new years resolutions Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Getting Truthful About Your Intentions

January 10, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

It’s that time of year where despite our best intentions and even resolution(s) to move forward and have a fresh start, we can find ourselves grappling with temptation. Our unconscious intentions and fears make themselves known and if we feed them, they become stronger than our conscious intentions and desires.

When we feel compelled to reach out to an ex or to do something else that we on some level have doubts (and possibly alarm bells ringing) about doing, acknowledging our true intentions can be the difference between pain and gain.

By living with more conscious intention in the areas of our life where we’ve felt a great deal of stress, disappointment, loss, resentment etc., we set ourselves up for success. We also break unhealthy patterns because we’re quite simply living more consciously.

Take my friend’s recent situation: She broke it off with her ex due to his boundary-busting behaviour and made it very clear that despite their mutual friends, that she has no interest in remaining in touch. This was a big change because her pattern was to stay in touch with even the shadiest of exes.

Several months later while chatting to one of these mutual friends about a tax situation (which she knew nothing about), he suggested that he call up my friend about it (because she’d had an issue with the same department). The mutual friend told him it would fine… and then made a panicked call to my friend to warn her but also pointed out that it seemed like he had changed [from being super possessive and controlling]. Side note: I don’t know how that can be gauged from a call…

So, now this story makes its way to me while we’re enjoying a cuppa.

Me: Wait, why the frick would he be calling you? Who does he think you are? HMRC (the British tax office)?

Cue my friend doubled-up laughing trying to stop herself from choking on her tea.

Me: I can think of a few other options before he would even get to you. After HMRC, there’s, oh I don’t know… his accountant…. or a tax advisor. Then there’s Job Centre Plus… or the Citizens Advice Bureau… or, wait for it, Google. Not being funny but even you would happily admit that you’re no expert on [the tax matter]!

She’s still doubled up laughing and begging me to stop so she can finish her tea.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that this guy isn’t calling for tax advice.

Like many a person (including myself) who has concocted an excuse to get in touch with their ex (or to go where you know they’ll be hanging out, dressed to the nines in heels they can barely walk in… cough…), his need for tax advice from his ex was a ploy to create an entry point for getting her attention.

It’s like, ‘All I want is some tax advice. How can she refuse?’

Easily, actually. She wouldn’t be refusing because she’s a ‘mean person’; it’s because she doesn’t want to be manipulated and she values good boundaries even in the face of awkwardness.

Her conscious intention is/was to be done with him. In the past, her unconscious fears and intentions meant that fear of being disliked, fear of conflict but also fear that one of these guys would spontaneously combust into a prince as soon as her back was turned, caused her to have a revolving door of exes in her life.

As humans, we’re all living with intention.

Some of our intentions are conscious, some are unconscious and either way, they lead to outcomes and consequences. Unhealthy patterns can only exist when we’re living unconsciously. Awareness of why we do what we do in the way that we do it can halt what might be destructive and/or disingenuous choices. The more we live with conscious intention is the more we grow.

Why are we texting our ex at Christmas/New Year/on their birthday and other occasions that jump out at us?

Is it because all we want to do is wish them happy Christmas etc and there’s no agenda, no expectation?

Or, is it because:

while we might tell ourselves that we want them back, what we really want is to win?
we’re feeling crappy about something else and so receiving their temporary attention seems like a worthy distraction?
we want to confirm that we still have the power to get their attention but also that they haven’t moved on or changed that much?
we’re sabotaging something good, so reaching out causes self-rejection and lowers us back to feelings that reflect our negative beliefs?

Being honest about our intentions can help us make choices that better serve our well-being.

Even if we proceed because we, for instance, want that distraction, doing so will help us to learn from that experience. We, at least, won’t have to go through the rigmarole of fooling ourselves in the future and this can be quite an eye-opener as time goes on.

We can also acknowledge where we have conflicting intentions. If we intend to, for example, move forward with our self-esteem in tow after a breakup because we desire a better relationship but then opt for something casual to get attention, we can acknowledge where we’re taking us away from who we are and what we want.

Honesty about intentions also extends to recognising other people’s intentions.

No, we’re not mind readers but what a lot of us find ourselves doing is emotionally blackmailing us into ignoring our instincts because we don’t want to appear mean/judgemental/crazy/needy/too sensitive etc.

We then kick ourselves for what is often a split-second decision to repress what we know. What we know is often something that our rational brain is keen to talk us out of. What we know is often something that we’re uncomfortable with admitting or that yes, sometimes go against our [misguided] intentions and what we want to do.

I spoke to someone recently whose married ex got in touch. She knew that he didn’t mean her any good but admitting that meant letting go once and for all. It meant recognising that he’d always been dishonest and manipulative. She regretted letting herself get sucked back in.

Acknowledging other people’s intentions or even the reality of their behaviour isn’t about seeing the worst in people. Hell, it’s not even about seeing the worst in ourselves.

Another reader explained recently how she’d intended to disclose the affair to the wife. Admitting that that her true intention wasn’t to ‘help’ helped to ground her in her true values. It prevented her from doing something she would have felt ashamed about. That, and it also forced her to acknowledge what she was trying to avoid.

Being honest about intentions isn’t about being judgemental of you or others; it’s about judging the situation and recognising whether it’s in alignment with how you want to feel and continue feeling but also who you truly are.

With this in mind, here’s a few self-care tips:

Forget about trying to make you (or others) ‘wrong’. Instead, use recognition of intentions to set you up for success by acknowledging how intentions influence choices but also outcomes. For example, on a night out, I check in with me about whether I want to drink and why. If I want to, cool, but if were thinking that I ‘should’ drink to ‘fit in’, the latter would lead to me feeling crappy. Another common example: Are you having sex because you want to or is it because you feel as if you ‘should’ if you want to increase your chances of seeing your date again?
Acknowledge the desired outcome. Be honest about what you want. If you weren’t going to get [the desired outcome], would you still go ahead? Have you done this (or similar) before? If so, what happened? Make sure that you’re not putting you on the disappointment cycle. If you wouldn’t still go ahead, you either need to be honest with the other party about your expectations or revise them. Using the sex example above, I hear from far too many people who have sex almost like a down payment on a relationship and then feel aggrieved when things don’t work out. If they were honest, not just about that intention but also how that intention compromised them, they’d halt.
Remember that hidden intentions often means hidden agenda. That doesn’t make you shady but what it does mean is that you will be conflicted. Progress is slow if hidden motivations and fears are running the show. If you value integrity, honesty, peace of mind and equitable, available relationships, lose the hidden agenda by bringing it into the open.
Keep in mind who you really are and where you want to go and grow. Are your intentions in line with your values (priorities, preferences and principles) and boundaries? If not, halt.
When you’re tempted to do something that you suspect doesn’t have your best intentions in mind, get grounded. Sit in a quiet space, take a few deep breaths and ask, What am I afraid of? and see what comes up and then ask why and keep asking to get down to the root fear. It might take 5 to 7 whys but you’ll get there.
Consider what you you know about the person. Are you intentions in some way based on this hypothesis that they’ve changed?
Beyond the instant gratification, is there the potential for a medium- to long-term hangover?
Acknowledge where your intentions might be different to those of the person involved. Thinking If it were me can blind you to the truth. Stay in your lane.

Podcast Ep.21: The Early Stages of Dating Is Guesswork, Do I, Don’t I? Decisions, Decisions!

January 30, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

GABRIELLE BERNSTEIN EVENT IN LONDON It’s been a fun and illuminating week. Last Saturday I attended Gabrielle Bernstein’s workshop where I enjoyed a funny, heartwarming day learning about how to get out of your own way. I also bumped into a few readers while I was there– I love it when people say hello and share their stories of how they discovered Baggage Reclaim. What are the chances as well that not only would I find myself sitting directly behind a reader but that I was also sitting near the Irish contingent? Em immediately knew I’d been around them without me telling him because my the brogue in my accent was much stronger than usual. I also bumped into another reader a writing workshop I attended. It’s a small world!

Right–it’s time for this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!

Here’s what I cover in episode 21:

Don’t write off the year if it hasn’t started off on the right footing Many of us start the year all gung-ho and full of promise talking about how it’s a, “New year, new me” but then something comes along to knock us or we lose momentum or yes, we do something that represents the habits we need and want to break, and then we write off our possibilities for change. I explain why it doesn’t have to be this way and how to get to a more realistic perspective and attitude.

Why do we struggle to make and stick to our decisions? I explain the components of decisions and what we need to ensure that we do in order to make authentic decisions that we’re not going to be mired in regret in the future. I also explain the blocks to healthy decisions including wanting to make perfect decisions, playing Columbo collecting info but not reaching a conclusion, and fear of uncertainty–What if I commit to this person and we have a great time but then our relationship breaks down in 2031? | More posts on decision-making— About Sitting On the Fence | There’s No Such Thing As a Decision-Free Lifestyle | Change Doesn’t Come Without Change | The Right Decision Doesn’t Always Feel Good | Can You Make (& Stick) To A Decision?

The early stages of dating is guesswork What happens when you treat guesses like facts and predictions for your future with somebody? Big problems. I explain why we need to recognise that a lot from seeing someone on a site or app or meeting them somewhere, to going on some dates, it’s guesswork and if we can recognise this then we will be less attached to rigid ideas and snap judgements as well as less attached to predicted outcomes.

Listener Question – What do you do when two different partners claim that sexual attraction was the reason why they don’t want a relationship with me? I help Stephanie pick her way through this messy situation including what this experience is truly here to do for her.

What Nat Learned This Week: I attended a writers workshop and noticed inner resistance coming up when doing certain exercises centered around planning.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Don’t write off the year if it doesn’t start how you pictured it

January 7, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Many of us put a lot of emphasis on the first couple of months of the year by inadvertently believing that if we’re going to have the year we want, we’ve got to get things right up front. We start the year all perky and full of gusto: This year’s going to be different. It’s a new year and a new me. I’m going to be optimistic and attract a different life. Next thing, as life tends to do, something goes awry, or… life doesn’t look the way we pictured it.

Maybe we have a dream about our ex and we attach the meaning that we’re not over him/her and that we’ve carted what we thought were our forgotten feelings for them into 2014. In our minds, we pictured that if we were going to get off on the right footing, we wouldn’t think of our ex and we wouldn’t have to make efforts to not chase after thoughts.

Maybe we experience a trauma or have a series of stresses and unfortunate incidences and decide that there’s no point in gradually dealing with these and recovering because we decide that there’s no point.

Why should I bother changing unhealthy beliefs? I tried to think positive and I still ended up stressed / hurt / disappointed etc.

Sometimes we fall into the trap of believing that because we’re trying to project a sunny attitude or are making changes, that we have the power to control the uncontrollable.

I’m trying to think happy thoughts and squash down negativity – why are things still happening to piss me off?

Maybe we feel tempted to go back to an unhealthy relationship and even if we don’t act upon it, we shame ourselves over having even thought of it, forgetting that we’re only human and that it would be more useful to look at what the trigger was for feeling this way.

Or maybe, despite having started 2014 resolving to do better by us, a week in and we’ve fallen off the wagon. Now we’re thinking, Well I’ve started so I may as well finish, as if to suggest that a wobble or a fall makes for a waste of time. Sometimes we’re so busy berating ourselves for not having handled something or for slipping into an old habit that we continue on a poor course of thinking and behaviour in the hopes that maybe we can make something good come out of it. It becomes about making a return on investment when we actually stand to make more from folding.

Don’t write off the year over a bad day, week or choice in the early part of the year. Hell, don’t do it at any point in the year. You do it and you end up growing weeds instead of nurturing and growing seeds.

Many people judge themselves so harshly over these, colouring their perception of their options and distorting their self-image. It’s as if they believe that it’s wrong to hit inevitable bumps in the road and that they have to get things right first time because in their minds, they’re all out of chances. It causes them to predict that the past will be the future and if they don’t get perspective, it has a domino effect on their subsequent thinking and choices.

Writing off time that hasn’t happened is a trap anyway. No matter what the time of year is (beginning, middle or end), thinking this way means you’re going to do the proverbial throwing the baby out with the bath water. It’s a disproportionate response that clouds learning, growth and ultimately your recovery.

It’s not a bad day, rough week, or a dodgy choice that makes the year a write-off – it’s your mentality and actions that decide this and these can be changed. It’s too much to expect that there won’t be eff up’s or that life will occur according to the predetermined picture and plan in your head. You will get back up. You’ve successfully managed to do this on every day of your life so far so keep your eyes on what matters – you and this on the job training experience that is life. Aiming to have a perfect grade year is a futile pursuit!

Your thoughts?

I just wanted to give a shout out to all of you who are affected by adverse weather conditions. Talk about extreme weather! Stay safe! Big squeezy extra-warm hugs!

Happy New Year (and of course a few words)

December 31, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

2013 is drawing to a close and this means lots of reflecting on what the year has and hasn’t been, as well as looking ahead, planning, anticipating, and possibly worrying.

This is definitely a time of year when it’s all too easy to languish in the past playing scenes over and over in your mind while latching onto a few specific elements to give you a hard time over, or to even convince you that if you’d done or been such and such, that the outcome would have been oh-so-different.

You have to be careful of accepting the way it wasn’t and rejecting the way it was.

On the flip side, a new year brings fresh uncertainty and you’re either going to find this restorative with its almost blank slate appeal or, it’s going to induce anxiety – worrying about what isn’t happening yet and/or forecasting doom based on past experiences or imagined scenarios.

You can live on autopilot and carry the same baggage, beliefs, behaviours and attitudes while engaging with the same or similar types of people. From there, you can keep expecting a different result but at the same time taking comfort in the safe familiarity of your uncomfortable comfort zone and being able to predict what happens next. Sure, you reduce uncertainty by limiting vulnerability but you’re also limiting your experiences and your happiness at the same time.

I used to be terrified of uncertainty and I think that a part of me hoped that when I was ‘enough’ and being and doing certain things including having my void filled by others, that I could control uncertainty, which is a bit like trying to cup the ocean in your hands or trying to control what others think and do.

The other option is to accept uncertainty as part of the package of life.

When we accept it, we also accept possibilities instead of seeing all uncertainty as ‘bad’. We put our energies into the present because it’s where we have the power to be our best selves, to do our best work, and to do things that align with who we are and where we want to be (our values, goals, aspirations etc) instead of going off message due to operating on autopilot and being too in our own heads.

When we accept uncertainty, we’re able to focus on what we can control – who we are, what we do and the choices we make.

One of the key lessons of this year that I’ve emphasised to readers, particularly students on BR courses, plus myself, is that we can’t control how we feel or even the thoughts that pop into our head but we can choose the meaning that we apply, the judgements that we make, and basically what we feed the feelings and thoughts with.

Feelings and thoughts aren’t a statement of what is, as these can both happen instinctively without knowledge or reasoning.

Before you run to jump to conclusions that whatever you’re feeling or thinking is ‘bad’ or how you’ll always feel /be, or even predictive of what can and will happen, or a message about your capabilities or worth, breathe. Come back to earth. Don’t run your life with the BS that results from treating feelings and thoughts as facts and letting them run the show.

You are your commander. Not your thoughts, not your feelings, not even ‘everyone’ or that certain somebody that’s actually just not that special that you need to pump them up or even glorify them.

Whatever 2014 and beyond holds, there is hope. Don’t give up on you, your now and your future, do find the blessings in disguise in what may have been some painful lessons, and definitely don’t dim your light. Be you and all that it entails. Remember that we are all flawed so your flaws don’t actually distinguish you. Don’t aspire to be superhuman. Be you.

Happy new year from Freetown, Sierra Leone, where we’re holidaying with Em’s family until next week. See you in 2014! Big squeezy hugs, Nat xx

Happy New Year

December 31, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 1

natalie baggage reclaim

Wishing you all a very happy new year! I had planned to do a video and write a longer message but I’m laid up with the worst flu I’ve had for years! Em also has it although he’s soldiering on far better than me.

I can’t believe that I’m going into my eighth year of Baggage Reclaim and I’m looking forward to continuing the BR journey with you all. This year has been amazing and emotional. I’ve laughed so much and even though there has been some pain, it feels like it was an opportunity to grow as well as to change my perception of certain people and to make further sense of my past.

I hope that whatever you’re doing today, you’re doing it with self-esteem at the heart of it – don’t do something today in an attempt to revisit the past and even undo it, that’s going to leave you with a regret hangover. Whatever this year was supposed to be, it’s been. While it’s good to look back, do so to learn from the insights gained, not to beat you over the head for it and to stew in regret. These experiences – the good, bad and indifferent – pave the way to better opportunities. Believe.

Big squeeze hugs Nat x

Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But I’m Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But You’re Still Broken Up

January 11, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

I regularly hear from people who are in the rather uncomfortable and ambiguous position of having an ex that they still love (or think they do), claim that they miss them and/or that they wish they could be together. However, these exes haven’t left their current partner or are unwilling to address the issues that broke the relationship. In some instances, these exes claim to miss him/her but are not making any moves or suggestions towards getting back together.

If you’re experiencing this, it’s likely that you will become very heavily invested in the idea that your ex wants/misses you. You will reason that it’s an obstacle out of yours and their control that’s preventing you being together. Are we getting back together? Why aren’t we getting back together?

The reality is somewhat altogether different: The obstacle isn’t whatever excuse they’ve given. They are the obstacle.

Someone can miss you but not actually want to get back together.

They may think you’re great, claim to be crazy about you, or miss the things that ensured they got their needs met, but they don’t miss you that much. They like their life, and even if you don’t ‘get’ it or think it’s wrong, their situation works for them.

Someone can miss you but have enough awareness about their own capabilities to know that nothing would actually change if you were to get back together.

Someone can miss you because they get to avoid dealing with someone or something much closer to home. Dodging being emotionally available and of course, being uncommitted through their actions.

Someone can miss you, but it may not be for the reasons that you think. It may be for an ego stroke, shag, shoulder to lean on, money or whatever floats their boat.

There is a disparity between your idea of what they miss you for and what they actually miss you for.

People who say they miss you but don’t back up the sentiment with real action are talking hot air. They’re being non-committal. If this is how they were in the relationship, this “I miss you” BS is just an extension of the all-talk-and-little-or-no-action issue.

The mistake that we often make is assuming that they miss us or that they want to get back together because they:

1) Got in touch

2) Are looking for a shag

3) Moan about their ex

4) Tap us up for an ego stroke

5) Poke around in our business

6) Don’t want us to move on because they like having us as an option and backup plan

7) Ask hypothetical questions about what we would do if they made themselves available. Then they swiftly follow up with noise about how they can’t do anything at the moment but ‘might’ in the future.

Ultimately, what this head-wrecking boils down to is this:

If someone misses you that much, they will handle their situation to enable them to be with you. Period. Anything else is talking doo-doo.

Think about it logically: Let’s imagine you hear from someone for a few months to a year or even more.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. We were so good together. They don’t get me like you do. I can’t talk to them like I do with you. If only I could be with you. Blah blah blah blah blah.

But ask yourself this:

Why, if you miss me so much, are you ensuring that you stay in a position of missing me but never actually doing anything about it?

Why continue with your merry little life or even your merry little relationship, while muggins here (yes, that would be me), puts my life on hold on the possibility that you might actually do something about it one day?

If you are not in reality about who you were involved with and the reasons for the breakup, and are still looking for validation, such as wanting them to crawl back on their proverbial hands and knees and say how crazy they were to leave you to be with someone else (or whatever it was), you will be receptive to your ex’s bleating.

What isn’t acknowledged is that You.Broke.Up! You are a valuable individual entity.

The least they can do is miss you.

But stop enabling their sense of entitlement by allowing them to enjoy so much access to you.

What’s all the more galling is the chief offenders of this type of behaviour are often involved with other people. It doesn’t matter what you think of their current partner. It’s disrespectful to a current relationship for your ex to creep around telling you that they miss you.

For you, the eager beaver listener, keep your ego and your boundaries in check. It may feel like sweet retribution that they appear to be coming back and that you seemingly have the upper hand, but this isn’t a win.

You need more than an ego stroke and empty promises. They are moving on with their life while using you as an emotional airbag to cushion the transition. They’re securing a very comfortable fallback position should things ever not work out.

Surely you are worth being more than someone’s emotional airbag and their backup plan?

Put a golden boundary in place: Never allow someone to hang around in your life claiming they miss you while disrespecting another relationship.

It doesn’t matter what their reasoning is. What they’ll do to others, they’ll very comfortably do to you. Don’t bother taking the high road of “Well they were mine first” because it opens you up to petty reasoning. That and unless you fell out the sky into this year and they have no prior history before you, someone else could easily come along and have that same attitude.

The more you listen, the more you sandcastles you build in the sky, is the greater the illusionary relationship that you create. You end up in No Man’s Land, and basically, you don’t move on.

Do you know what’s so horrible about this situation? The more airtime you give it, the more you delay the inevitable process of grieving the loss of the relationship. When it all goes tits up, and you finally accept that the relationship is over, it hurts that you put your life on hold. You feel wounded by your willingness to believe in them and, yes, angry with you for being afraid to let go.

And, no matter how annoying and even manipulative your ex’s behaviour might be, if you put your life on hold and that includes in the physical day-to-day and the emotional, you need to own this.

Don’t own their behaviour; own yours.

That means being honest with you about what listening to them has allowed you to avoid. It means acknowledging any fear and resistance you had about taking responsibility for your happiness.

You have a responsibility to yourself to assess the risk and act in your best interests, even if the reality of something involves making uncomfortable decisions. Yes, they should be aware that they’re playing around with your time, energy, effort and emotions, but actually, you should be even more aware of it.

You’ve always had the option to pay attention, weigh the information, and opt out.

You might say “Oh, well, I was afraid if I didn’t give him/her attention that they might think I wasn’t interested or they wouldn’t leave their partner”. That’s not a good reason to not have your back. If them stepping up to the plate is dependent on you putting your life on hold and not acting with love, care, trust, and respect for yourself, this whole thing is doomed anyway. If they can only leave their partner if they have someone on ice, the relationship is also doomed.

When someone claims that they miss you (whether they’re with someone or not) and you’re thinking about getting back together, slow your roll and say:

You know what? I miss you too. But let’s not have this conversation unless you’re prepared to convert that sentiment into action and get back together.

Or the not so polite version: Come back when you’ve got your shit together/are not creeping around behind his/her back.

And make sure when you miss them, as in the reality of them, not the person you thought they were or hoped they might become.

And asking why they tell you they miss you is like asking “How long is a piece of string?”

In short: It’s because they can.

We’re not all responsible with words. Many people are out of touch with their emotions. They don’t know, acknowledge and express them. So many people (and that might include you) assume that feeling out of control and wanting to get back in control equals missing someone. It doesn’t. It means wanting to control the uncontrollable.

One of the questions I regularly ask clients in these situations: Do you truly want to get back together or do you want to win?

The biggest fear that someone who claims to miss you has is fear of not having you as an option anymore. And yours? Fear of no longer being an option. But remember, don’t sell yourself short. There are better ways to feel needed and valued than being your ex’s In Case of Emergency.

People who genuinely want to be with you don’t resist being with you. Your ex needs to stop missing you and be with you, or…jog on.

Your thoughts?

Figure Out How You Feel & What You’re Experiencing With a Feelings Diary

January 6, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When I first started writing about emotional unavailability five years ago, a common problem I experienced and encountered with so many others, is that we don’t really understand our feelings and connect the dots to what we’re experiencing and factors that may be impacting. This may be because we are out of touch with our feelings and not used to vocalising and validating how we feel, but it may also be because we’re very practised at ignoring any ‘difficult’ information so that we don’t have to experience conflict or make difficult decisions.

At the time when I was connecting the dots about my own emotional unavailability, I was also working on my health after struggling with the immune system disease sarcoidosis. I became super aware of my body and how I reacted to foods and as I started jotting down notes about what I was eating, I thought it would be handy to also keep notes about how I was feeling and the circumstances surrounding it. One of the first things I had to acknowledge was that I found interactions with my mother emotionally and sometimes physically draining. With a guy I dated I realised I was very neutral and hanging back because he was so over the top and self-involved that I would mentally leave the building. When I thought back to the ex with a girlfriend, I realised that often after I spent time with him, I suffered with migraines.

I started suggesting to readers that they too keep Feelings Diaries and I remember one woman in particular emailing me to thank me for giving her back her sense of self and saving her time. She’d been convinced that she was crazy about a guy she was dating but after tracking how she felt, she recognised that not only was she dating the same guy, different package, but that she was very anxious around him and very enamoured with who she thought he was, not who he actually was. She ended it, continued keeping a diary, and a few months later ended up in a relationship with someone who she was totally at ease with.

A Feelings Diary is an empowering opportunity to learn about and connect with yourself.

It’s basically keeping a journal or ‘notes’ on your feelings to help you understand and process them by identifying shifts and what triggers a change in mood so that you can pinpoint how different factors are impacting you, such as:

How you respond to specific fears.

The impact of the other person.

The impact of events and incidences.

Shifts in your mindset and how you react to these.

Anything that feels familiar.

Red flags.

What you perceive are the consequences to experiencing the feelings.

For the purpose of making a Feelings Diary a really productive and simple task, I’ve found that it’s best to stick to short notes and include bullet points as it makes it far easier to spot patterns so that you can find ways to tackle them rather than being hijacked by your feelings.

Common situations where you should be using a Feelings Diary are:

When you are building your self-esteem and striving to be authentic in your actions and interactions.

When you have trouble identifying what you feel and why.

When you are primarily fear driven and experience a lot of anxiety and bring drama into situations where there is no real need for it.

When you’re No Contact or just generally broken up and are trying to process your feelings and work through the loss.

When you’re tempted to get in touch with an ex.

When you feel that there are problems in a relationship and/or are contemplating ending it.

When you’re not sure how you feel about someone.

When you’re starting to date again and ensuring that you don’t get carried away and love and trust blindly.

When you’re feeling down.

In your Feelings Diary, you need to capture:

Mood – What primary emotions are you feeling? Do you feel good or bad? Down or up? What is your general mood? Write down a few words if you need to and note if there are any conflicts. For instance you may say you’re happy but at the same time afraid. Acknowledge why you feel afraid. If you think there is a consequence to what you’re feeling, note it. For eg, If you associate feeling angry with a consequence of confrontation which you try to avoid by suppressing how you feel.

Eg, Are you happy, sad, elated, flat, depressed, angry, disappointed, horny, bored, vulnerable, afraid, anxious, frustrated, powerless, enraged, helpless, aggressive, incapable, resentful, jealous, possessive, ashamed, bad, good, optimistic, pessimistic, empty, embarrassed, passionate, excited, affectionate, loved, unloved, secure, hopeful, sensitive, hyper-sensitive?

Is It Time To Go On a BS Diet?

January 4, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

One of the biggest obstacles to happiness is resistance which is something we engage in by living in denial by telling ourselves lies and half truths, that enable us to continue doing and investing in people which also helps to create illusions. This means we end up resisting acceptance, resisting the truth, and resisting change because if we didn’t resist, whether it’s actively or in quietly passive ways, we’d have to see things in reality and potentially make uncomfortable decisions and more importantly take action.

When we deny and lie to ourselves, we:

Say that it’s them not us.

Claim that the reason that we continue to engage with someone or do something is for reasons that it’s not.

Focus on their problems, their lives, their everything to distract from looking closer to home at ourselves.

Continue being and doing things that in the wider scheme of things detract from us but because we’re only looking at the trees, the short-term and ‘reacting’, let us stay in our comfort zone.

Create obstacles to why we can’t be or do things out of fear and use these as reasons to remain afraid and spend more time worrying than experiencing the reality of these fears.

Claim we’re addicted to someone as our reason for continuing to engage when really that person and the situation is a distraction from experiencing other feelings and being accountable.

Act happier than we feel, so much and for so long that we lose touch with who we are, what we feel and our values – we often end up normalising bad behaviour too.

End up not knowing who we are, what we like, our dreams, hopes and ambitions.

Claim that what we want from life is to make others happy because it seems easier to do this than to put the work into making ourselves happy – we think our own happiness will happen as a by-product but end up often trying to make the wrong types of people happy.

Shoot down people who don’t say what we want to hear, get defensive sometimes even aggressive, and can end up isolating ourselves because we’re not ready to hear the truth.

Hold onto our anger, indignation, frustration for an extended period of time and keep replaying the situation, analysing them, pondering the coulda/woulda/shoulda’s and basically holding on tight to ‘it’ or ‘them’ as a security blanket.

Become people so distanced from our core selves that we become inauthentic, acting out of sync with our values, doing one thing, saying another.

There are lots of reasons why we end up effectively bullsh*tting ourselves and it all leads back into a central theme:

Even though it may only be for the short-term, we focus on the ‘payoff’ – the benefit that we think we experience from believing that whatever we are being or doing as a result of the denial/lie.

Happy New Year – Thoughts For 2011

December 31, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Greetings from the cosy confines of my duvet – yes, for the first time in a long time, we won’t be doing anything for New Years as I’m sick with some flu-ey type thing that seems to be doing the rounds. Thank you for all of your lovely congratulations messages – I’m grinning from ear to ear about our engagement although it’s been tempered by the fact that a family member is really unwell in hospital. A very bittersweet time.

I want to thank you all for being a part of my life journey and taking the time to read my thoughts on relationships and self-esteem. Your support means a lot and I’m humbled that I’ve been able to be a part of your own journeys and that what I share with you here is helping you have better self-esteem and more positive relationships.

Life is an ongoing journey and you never stop learning, with the same situations being thrown at you until you heed those lessons.

We only get one ride through this life so we should be conscientious in who we choose to make our journey with, especially when they detract from us, hold us back, or take us down a rather shady path. Ultimately, we’re all in charge of ourselves, even if it feels like others are behind the wheel – they’re not, you’re just taking a bit of a hands off approach. When we own our choices, both good and bad, we’re no longer powerless and are in a position to seek alternative solutions and take action because we realise that if we wait around for others, not much is going to be happening. We’ve got to focus our efforts on what we can control – US.My lessons this year have mostly revolved around family (I had to stand firm about my boundaries which meant my mother and I didn’t speak for most of 2010 although Christmas and the engagement has brought a ‘thaw’) and work (I’ve been overwhelmed and very time poor and have had to make uncomfortable decisions and realisations and also set boundaries and expectations with others). One of the things I realise, is that much like in painful times gone by, while it would be ‘easier’ for me to learn without feeling the pain, the experiences and being honest with myself has been 100% worthwhile.

There are no shortcuts.

We want to do the same thing time and again and generate a different result instead of getting uncomfortable, we want to be the exception, we want to love without limits and not have those limits busted. We want to date someone else to feel better about the rejection from another, and we want to numb the pain by immersing ourselves in another relationship or in Other People’s Problems. We want the solution to lie in someone else’s hands, we want it to be someone else’s fault, and we want to attach ourselves to people who are not capable of giving us what we want and somehow magic up a prince or princess and live happily ever after. We want to be cautious, withheld, distant, afraid of being vulnerable, distrusting, fearful, and basically emotionally unavailable and have someone else come along and prove themselves to us so that we can think it’s worthwhile to be different. We want to choose someone based on looks and how much our libido fizzes and then for the values, qualities, and characteristics that we think we need for a relationship to be automatically there. We want to either love without risk or take a punt on a three-legged horse and love and trust blindly.

There is no shortcut. You’ve got to start loving and liking yourself instead of looking for others to fill you up and challenge the very beliefs that are governing your relationship patterns anyway. You’ve got to address your beliefs and how they tie into how you see relationships, love, and yourself, you’ve got to be prepared to go on a Bullshit Diet and be honest with yourself instead of living in lies, and you’ve got to be emotionally available.

You can be and do all of these things. Within each and every one of you is the power to address these things and be different and start living and feeling the life that you want to live. I’m not saying it’s easy but actually it’s a damn sight better and easier than continuing to resist and avoid getting uncomfortable. You know the deal by now – you can keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, but that would be insanity. You also have a back history of experience to draw from that shows that it doesn’t work. If you can’t date or have a relationship without being able to love, trust, respect, and care for yourself with healthy boundaries, always choose you; don’t choose them. Don’t sell yourself short.

There are people finding love at all ages all the time. Someone I know who is in her fifties, divorced, three kids told me recently she could easily have given up especially after the guy she met on dating site didn’t work out and the next load were all imbeciles, but she decided she had nothing to lose by trying again. Eighteen months on, she’s very happy with someone else she met online. I’m no fan of dating sites but I know of a lot of men and women like her that take care of their emotional wellbeing, back away from inappropriate situations, and are prepared to take their time and get on with enjoying their lives in the meantime. Their lives are rounded and they derive their happiness from various sources. The difference – they believe there is healthy love out there for them somewhere in spite of any painful past experiences and they’re prepared to keep learning and take action.

Wishing you all much love, light, and happiness. See you in 2011.

love Nat/NML x

Quitting Distraction – Time To Experience the Feelings and Make The Changes

December 30, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Well…it’s good to be back after taking a bit of a break for Christmas. I have some exciting news (no I’m not pregnant) – the boyf proposed on Christmas morning (yay) but I’ll have to talk about that some more another time! I promise!

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This time of year often brings a lot of introspection. We’re moving from one year into a new one, a fresh year and we’re likely to reflect on the year that’s gone by, the highs, the lows, and any changes that we know we should make but haven’t yet. What can be particularly tough is realising that something hasn’t changed from one year to the next or that when you do the maths on the year, you may have spent more time being unhappy/frustrated with something than you’ve actually spent living and enjoying. One thing I recognise from my own experiences is that focus is key and that distraction can be a major obstacle not only to that focus but actually getting closer to doing and experiencing the necessary action.

I’ve often spoken about relationship insanity which is carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours, choosing the same people different package and then expecting different results. That same insanity can be applied to work, or really any aspect of your life where you repeat a pattern but still end up wondering why a different outcome isn’t resulting.

Clearly in spite of often knowing exactly what it is that we need to do to bring about a different, better, more positive outcome, we still persist in throwing ourselves in the front line of pain.

How and why do we do this?

We distract ourselves and it’s because aside from focusing on something that appears to be less painful or uncomfortable, it can also ‘protect’ us from experiencing feelings that we’re working very hard to avoid.

Want to know a key reason why we go back to people who create pain for us and/or have rejected us?

Because it distracts us from having to feel whatever we’re trying to avoid – rejection, abandonment, pain, loneliness and the list goes on. Rejection is a primary fear and for those of you who have chased after someone after you’ve broken up or have even broken No Contact, it’s because accepting or making successful contact, even if it’s short-term, stems that annoying, pervasive feeling of rejection that we don’t want hanging around for too long, plus just working your way through the pain of losing the relationship or the love you thought you had or would have is pretty difficult, albeit necessary in itself. Of course what can then happen after you seek out the source of your pain is that you end up having a sense of self-loathing when you see the situation for what it is or even experience more rejection and have to grieve the loss of the relationship again, so you try to go back to them or even try to date someone else, or spend your time online collecting attention on dating sites.

Another common distraction is Other People’s Problems. It’s easier to absorb yourself in someone’s shortcomings, the changes you think they need to achieve to benefit themselves/your relationship, or all the ‘wrong’s you think that have created the demise of the relationship and the ability for your love to be properly received.

But really, focusing on fixing/healing/helping or even playing armchair psychologist and ‘diagnosing’ them is a distraction from you.

When we persist in uncomfortable or downright painful situations with people who cannot or will not love or treat you with respect, you distract yourself by pursuing answers to the wrong questions:

Why won’t they change?
Why don’t they want/love me?
Why do they behave in this way?
Why do they choose him/her?
How can I get them to be and do what I want/need?

These are all interesting and some are even, to an extent, valid questions for shedding light on you but the majority of your time and effort should be spent answering this question:

Why, if someone is behaving in this manner are you still there putting up with it or claiming that you’ll never get over them?

If you’re not focusing the bulk of your efforts answering this question and taking appropriate action, you are distracted with looking for solutions in things and people that are out of your control. Your mentality and physical effort (that’s if you’re taking any action) are distracted.

Looking at it in a wider sense, when I want to dodge getting uncomfortable with work stuff, maybe out of confidence issues, I’ll immerse myself in numerous less important tasks, or get caught up in sorting out stuff in the house, or throw myself into getting distracted with the girls. I know this now after going through the pains of work insanity and have had to get really uncomfortable so that I can focus instead of distancing myself from whatever anxiety I’m feeling.

There is a pattern to your distraction and if you want to experience change in 2011 and beyond, or actually even in the last day of the year, it’s quitting the insanity of repeatedly thinking and doing the same stuff and not letting yourself get distracted. It’s pretty exhausting work trying to avoid yourself or the changes you need to make and it’s time to recognise why it’s important to feel what you’ve gotta feel and start doing what you’ve gotta do – avoidance is a key part of being emotionally unavailable and if you’re serious about being personally happy and even getting into a healthy, loving relationship, getting in touch with you and feeling whatever you feel, good, bad, or indifferent is pivotal to being emotionally available.

Tackle and eliminate your distractions by having a honest conversation with yourself, getting familiar with your pattern and more importantly, not giving in to the impulse, the habit to do what you normally do. You can spend all the time in the world being distracted by their problems or immersing yourself in stuff that kills time or makes it easier for you to blame your lack of action on. You’ll still eventually need to take the focus off them or bring it back to you.

Your thoughts?

Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.

Image Credit: Jenny Rollo

Happy New Year & No Contact Ebook Out Tomorrow!

December 31, 2009 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Just a quick pitstop to say happy new year everyone! Some of you are already in 2010! Hope you had a good one! Whatever you’re doing, enjoy yourself or just breathe out and relax. Don’t spend the evening waiting for a call or getting stood up or disappointed – you’re nobody’s backup!

Thank you all for your continued support and I look forward to being there for you in 2010 and beyond!

It’s been an incredible journey for me, not just this year, but the past decade. I’m still me, but I’m not the person filled with a lot of pain and self dislike that I was at the start – you can see my sum up of the decade over on my old personal blog. I started out tangled up in assclowns and unavailability, but it’s safe to say that that part of my life is behind me.

Stay strong, take care of you, and always remember that if loving someone means that you can’t love you, always choose you.

I’m not big on new years resolutions but a new year and a new decade, could, and should signal a fresh start. It’s time to embrace you, enjoy life, and exhale. Let go of the anger, the pain, the illusions, and work your way through it to the other side. Check out yesterday’s post on how you’ll be approaching love and relationships.

And…I have some good news. Tomorrow, I’ll be announcing how you can get your hands on my new No Contact Rule ebook which was written in response to so many questions about how to cut contact, why it’s necessary and effective, especially when you’ve had little or no boundaries, and how to maintain it.

On 31st January, How To Lose an Assclown in 90 Days will be available to buy. Yes, finally! Around the same time, if not before, Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl will be available in print.

I apologise for the delay in the books. Babies and nasty run of being unwell kicked my ass! The lessons of the decade are, assclowns and Mr Unavailables are bad for you and I’m not superwoman!

Lots of exciting things happening next year, see you then, love Natalie/NML xxx