In part one, I explained the two types of assclowns – Out and Proud, the guys that are skilled at getting women and have no issue with letting you know that they’re no good, and the ‘Unknowing’ assclowns, who actually do know they are but are too disconnected or egotistical to recognise how inappropriate their behaviour is.
The trouble with assclowns is, like anyone, they have an ability to exhibit some positive character traits and they can be extremely charming when they are pursuing you or in the early stages of the relationship where they need to win you over.
The mistake that women who get involved with assclowns make, is that even if for the next ten years their asscown never did another decent thing, they would focus on the behaviour he exhibited briefly and believe it was indicative of the potential that he could realise with the ‘right’ love and attention.
What you need to realise about men, especially assclowns, is that many of them have bodies overloaded with testosterone and ego, and they are hardwired to more often than not, see themselves in their best (false) light. It doesn’t help that they have mothers and the various women that have been in their lives, blowing smoke up their arses and saying how amazing they are no matter how they behave, plus evolution, culture, society, and emotional schooling have only served to enlarge their egos.
There are assclowns everywhere whether you live in a huge city or a small town in the middle of nowhere with a population of ten.
Assclowns are attractive for many reasons whether it’s their strength, arrogance, their looks, confidence, or the fact that they treat you mean or keep you keen, but the core thing that they all share is that when you are on the receiving end of their behaviour, it’s far from being a fairy tale and even if you do have fleeting highs, you’ll have many more lows, and at some point you realise that these men have no substance.
When engaging with your assclown, it’s important to remember the following things so that you keep things in perspective and don’t find yourself assuming too much responsibility for his behaviour and giving yourself another reason to stick around:
Stop overanalysing his behaviour.
It’s actually not that hard to figure out how you consistently feel as a result of being around someone or in a relationship with them. Looking for loopholes, glimmers of hope, justifications, and excuses is another example of wasting time. Often, it is what it is. Why do you need to analyse what he’s done, why he’s done it, and how he’s doing it – shouldn’t you be looking at how you feel as a result of being involved with him? At the end of the day boundaries crossed, are boundaries crossed. Examining the hell out of it is like trying to work out whether he cut ten holes in the boundary fence or twelve – who cares? He jumped the fence!
They lack empathy – don’t expect him to see things from your perspective
Whether he’s ‘unknowing’ or Out and Proud, he does not empathise with what it is like to be you on the receiving end of his behaviour. You may find excuses for you to empathise with him and find more compassion than you should have for him…but he won’t be doing that for you! Millions of women burn up energy trying to get these men to understand them or their perspective. They explain why what these guys have done is wrong and expect something to happen – it doesn’t. They don’t want to empathise with you – if they did they’d have to see themselves in a negative light. And don’t be fooled when they make all the right empathy noises – it can often be passive aggression – they appear to empathise and appear to change, and then continue doing exactly what you don’t want them to do.
One person’s assclown is another person’s assclown
I said in part one about how it doesn’t matter if he’s kind to the little old lady down the street or any other person he deigns with his kindness, but one of the biggest things that assclown lovers lose sleep over is whether he’ll still be an assclown with someone else. If he’s an habitual assclown, you can rest assured he’ll be an assclown elsewhere. These guys play with as much rope as you’ll give them and they don’t stay with women who don’t afford them the room to treat them like sh*t. They may be one assclown flavour with you, and a different with someone else, but at the end of the day, they are what they are. If he cheats on you openly and won’t call you his girlfriend, but he cheats on the next one on the down-low and does call her his girlfriend, does that make it any better?
Relationships are the sum of two people.
Both of you need both feet in the relationship and one person cannot do all the feeling and loving etc for the relationship. It takes more than love, especially if it’s not really ‘love’. I can assure you that rewarding poor behaviour with your undying love will reward you with…more poor behaviour. Assclowns don’t think ‘Wow that Mandy was so understanding when I walked all over her – I’ll be nice to her from now on’; they just walk all over you with more ease and with even less of a conscience.
Poor behaviour is poor behaviour.
Don’t rationalise, justify, or make excuses for it, and certainly don’t blame yourself for his behaviour. You have to remember that his behaviour is independent of yours and that’s why we all have something that is called free will. If we could all lay the ‘You made me do it’ card, there’d be no such thing as responsibility. There’s no quarter assclown, or half assclown, he’s just an assclown.
They are not an assclown because of you; they’re an assclown anyway.
However, if you accept their behaviour and you stick around, you become an enabler of their behaviour.
You could spend the rest of your days trying to give someone the ‘right’ level of love and attention but
1) if you have to convince someone to behave decently in a relationship, there is something seriously wrong,
2) if you have to convince someone that you’re worthy and valid, deserving of being loved and in a decent relationship with commitment, love, respect, integrity, and care, again, something is really wrong here. If he doesn’t recognise the value of you, he needs to beat it,
3) and if you treat yourself as a person of value that expects the core basics and has boundaries, you will realise that they cannot give you what you need.
And that brings you to the fundamental problem with assclowns – it’s all about them. Their needs, their wants, their world, their rules, their beat to jump to. When they make out that it’s about you, it’s not really – these relationships operate on their terms.
You will know you’re with an assclown because in order for things to work, you have to morph and shapeshift and throw your boundaries, self-esteem, and self-respect out the window for you to stick with them…and even then, they may not even stick with you!