In part one, I explained the two types of assclowns – Out and Proud, the guys that are skilled at getting women and have no issue with letting you know that they’re no good, and the ‘Unknowing’ assclowns, who actually do know they are but are too disconnected or egotistical to recognise how inappropriate their behaviour is.
The trouble with assclowns is, like anyone, they have an ability to exhibit some positive character traits and they can be extremely charming when they are pursuing you or in the early stages of the relationship where they need to win you over.
The mistake that women who get involved with assclowns make, is that even if for the next ten years their asscown never did another decent thing, they would focus on the behaviour he exhibited briefly and believe it was indicative of the potential that he could realise with the ‘right’ love and attention.
What you need to realise about men, especially assclowns, is that many of them have bodies overloaded with testosterone and ego, and they are hardwired to more often than not, see themselves in their best (false) light. It doesn’t help that they have mothers and the various women that have been in their lives, blowing smoke up their arses and saying how amazing they are no matter how they behave, plus evolution, culture, society, and emotional schooling have only served to enlarge their egos.
There are assclowns everywhere whether you live in a huge city or a small town in the middle of nowhere with a population of ten.
Assclowns are attractive for many reasons whether it’s their strength, arrogance, their looks, confidence, or the fact that they treat you mean or keep you keen, but the core thing that they all share is that when you are on the receiving end of their behaviour, it’s far from being a fairy tale and even if you do have fleeting highs, you’ll have many more lows, and at some point you realise that these men have no substance.
When engaging with your assclown, it’s important to remember the following things so that you keep things in perspective and don’t find yourself assuming too much responsibility for his behaviour and giving yourself another reason to stick around:
Stop overanalysing his behaviour.
It’s actually not that hard to figure out how you consistently feel as a result of being around someone or in a relationship with them. Looking for loopholes, glimmers of hope, justifications, and excuses is another example of wasting time. Often, it is what it is. Why do you need to analyse what he’s done, why he’s done it, and how he’s doing it – shouldn’t you be looking at how you feel as a result of being involved with him? At the end of the day boundaries crossed, are boundaries crossed. Examining the hell out of it is like trying to work out whether he cut ten holes in the boundary fence or twelve – who cares? He jumped the fence!
They lack empathy – don’t expect him to see things from your perspective
Whether he’s ‘unknowing’ or Out and Proud, he does not empathise with what it is like to be you on the receiving end of his behaviour. You may find excuses for you to empathise with him and find more compassion than you should have for him…but he won’t be doing that for you! Millions of women burn up energy trying to get these men to understand them or their perspective. They explain why what these guys have done is wrong and expect something to happen – it doesn’t. They don’t want to empathise with you – if they did they’d have to see themselves in a negative light. And don’t be fooled when they make all the right empathy noises – it can often be passive aggression – they appear to empathise and appear to change, and then continue doing exactly what you don’t want them to do.
One person’s assclown is another person’s assclown
I said in part one about how it doesn’t matter if he’s kind to the little old lady down the street or any other person he deigns with his kindness, but one of the biggest things that assclown lovers lose sleep over is whether he’ll still be an assclown with someone else. If he’s an habitual assclown, you can rest assured he’ll be an assclown elsewhere. These guys play with as much rope as you’ll give them and they don’t stay with women who don’t afford them the room to treat them like sh*t. They may be one assclown flavour with you, and a different with someone else, but at the end of the day, they are what they are. If he cheats on you openly and won’t call you his girlfriend, but he cheats on the next one on the down-low and does call her his girlfriend, does that make it any better?
Relationships are the sum of two people.
Both of you need both feet in the relationship and one person cannot do all the feeling and loving etc for the relationship. It takes more than love, especially if it’s not really ‘love’. I can assure you that rewarding poor behaviour with your undying love will reward you with…more poor behaviour. Assclowns don’t think ‘Wow that Mandy was so understanding when I walked all over her – I’ll be nice to her from now on’; they just walk all over you with more ease and with even less of a conscience.
Poor behaviour is poor behaviour.
Don’t rationalise, justify, or make excuses for it, and certainly don’t blame yourself for his behaviour. You have to remember that his behaviour is independent of yours and that’s why we all have something that is called free will. If we could all lay the ‘You made me do it’ card, there’d be no such thing as responsibility. There’s no quarter assclown, or half assclown, he’s just an assclown.
They are not an assclown because of you; they’re an assclown anyway.
However, if you accept their behaviour and you stick around, you become an enabler of their behaviour.
You could spend the rest of your days trying to give someone the ‘right’ level of love and attention but
1) if you have to convince someone to behave decently in a relationship, there is something seriously wrong,
2) if you have to convince someone that you’re worthy and valid, deserving of being loved and in a decent relationship with commitment, love, respect, integrity, and care, again, something is really wrong here. If he doesn’t recognise the value of you, he needs to beat it,
3) and if you treat yourself as a person of value that expects the core basics and has boundaries, you will realise that they cannot give you what you need.
And that brings you to the fundamental problem with assclowns – it’s all about them. Their needs, their wants, their world, their rules, their beat to jump to. When they make out that it’s about you, it’s not really – these relationships operate on their terms.
You will know you’re with an assclown because in order for things to work, you have to morph and shapeshift and throw your boundaries, self-esteem, and self-respect out the window for you to stick with them…and even then, they may not even stick with you!
Your thoughts?
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You will know you’re with an assclown because in order for things to work, you have to morph and shapeshift and throw your boundaries, self-esteem, and self-respect out the window for you to stick with them…and even then, they may not even stick with you!
That says it all!
I really could use some advice on working on my self esteem. I am not anywhere near the person I was before the assclown came into my life. Now that he is “sorta” gone from my life I am trying so hard to focus on me. We are in the “friend” zone and I don’t want to be hear either. Any advice would be great. Maybe if I build myself back up again, I won’t feel the need to be a friend to him either.
Oh my have I met my share of assclowns lately. I hope I filled my quota because really, there has to be good men out there too.
Jen’s last blog post..What about Atheists?
Good Monday to you, NML !
This is SO true – and in so many ways ! From the massive ego making them think their sh** doen’t stink no matter what thyey do, to their total lack of empathy to anyone but themselves, to it being all about them – their way or no way, to their m.o. being the same…
I’ve actually seen this same assclown-iness with a girlfriend, and with my trainer at they gym.
Both behaved in the same way you described, and do it consistently over time with virtually everyone in their lives.
And think they are good people – the girlfriend because she attends Church, and the trainer because he keeps saying women don’t meet his criteria !
Never mind that she’s married to someone else and going to church with her boyfriend who is also married to someone else !!!
Never mind that he doesn’t tell the women he dates from the get-go that he has a total pattern of unavailability, managing expectations down, and takes no responsibility whatsoever for the false hopes/beliefs he created in them with his intial behavior.
She is no longer in my life because I couldn’t stand the total disconnect she has between how she behaves – and how she sees herself.
She lies to herself nonstop – and expects everyone else to accept it, and then accept her bold faced manipulation and lies to them as well.
And he will shortly no longer be my trainer because I have no interest in contributing to his income anymore when he’s even starting to treat me with disrepect for my value as a client !
I use them as examples because clearly there are no romantic relationships there – but they are assclowns as you describe it, without a doubt.
You MUST not look at potential or past glimpses of decency as defining someone. You have to look at HOW they operate within their relationships, because nobody will be the exception to their rules.
And I must look at what my boundaries are, because people like this can’t be destructive in your life once you see them clearly and let go.
In the past, I didn’t even know what healthy boundaries WERE. I thought it was up to someone else to either keep me in their life – or not, no matter how they were treating me and how miserable and emotionally starved I was at the end of the day.
Now I know it is up to me to know what being treated well looks like, and it’s no longer of any interest when I am not.
I no longer take it as a challenge, or think I’m going to be different because of my love for them. (which was really just my unhealthy refusal to see the situation for what it was)
I don’t obsess anymore about ‘why’ because that was just another way not to let go.
And I no longer cry at night because of assclowns. I just know that that’s not what a relationship SHOULD look like, and I detatch myself and go about enjoying the rest of my life.
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Decisions That Work
A really great post today. I have not been on the site in over a year. I just went through another break up, and while I have show great growth since last on here I am not sure I didn’t find myself with another emotionally unavailable guy. I find it hard to spot them though because this one, like my last ex, left me saying I was too much work, etc. I am at a point where I have learned much more, and realize I still have more to work on. I am not yet feeling as positive about myself as I should.
However, when I met this man I had been single for several months and feeling really positive about life… suddenly it all went downhill. I am blaming myself for the end of it and seeing him as this perfect, successful man that I have now lost due to my own insecurities. I wish these guys came with a label so that you could know. Due to my own faults, I tend to let them off the hook for their faults. Truth was I did not feel happy when with him. However, he was the best boyfriend I had had to date. He didn’t disappear, we he said he would call, which was every day, he did. When he went on vacation he called me, said he missed me… and he was very affectionate. Can someone display all these traits but still be emotionally unavailable.
He did sweep me off my feet but I also felt he didn’t listen to me. When I tried to communicate issues, it was me giving constant updates that he could not handle. He didn’t lean on me for support, and often seem to talk down to me and tell me I had to manage my life better when I tried to talk to him. He was 10 years older so I felt that he was right, I was just being immature. Finally he left me, saying I was too much work, too demanding, made his life nothing but stressful.
I feel this person was emotionally unavailable but I also see how my bad behaviour can be stressful for people. I think I am quite needy emotionally. How do you know when it’s them bringing out your existing insecurities or whether he was secure and I managed to ruin the whole thing? I feel I struggle to identify these guys from the get go because they are not “all bad” and I wonder if it’s me that “turns them bad”, which leaves me begging them back and saying I will change. He certainly had some of the red flags, but unlike my ex he was not some crazy person who didn’t call for days and did many lovely things for me.
I would just like some advice so that in the future I will know how to better identify these people, and avoid them before they destroy my self esteem.
Thank you.
I just want to sincerely from the bottom of my healing heart, THANK YOU for this FANTASTIC website!!!
I stumbled upon when I googled “emotionally unavailable men”. I’m obviously a habitual offender, and I needed some advice on how to BREAK this intensely destructive habit!!
I thought I was at a point where my self-esteem was at a healthy level; until I met my most recent assclown.
A lot of my youth was spent with assclowns who verbally abused me, and who were what society would define as ‘loosers’ (i.e. no schooling, unambitious, etc. etc).
I then took a sabbatical away from men to ‘find myself’ and thought I did. Again … until I met my most recent assclown.
So I found a guy that was ambitious, handsome, intelligent, and whatever other positive trait you want to attribute to him, but at his core – he was a grade A certified assclown.
Over 30, and hasn’t committed to a relationship in over a decade.
So now I was dating successful men that were treating me like garbage.
Your website has really opened by eyes to the core of what’s really going on here – a lack of love for myself.
I’ve made a commitment to ditch the assclown and remain single for a while until I learn to love, appreciate, and most importantly – trust myself.
Thank you for opening my eyes and essentially – saving my life. You’re valued and appreciated by many women out there!
Lots of love –
Reformed lover of assclowns.
Devastated…
You said he was “Sorta” gone from your life…maybe that is one of the reasons why you feel your self esteem needs some work. I know it is easier said than done but I do not think you will feel ‘normal’ until there has been NC for a period of time…Also, You said you are not nearly the person you were before your AC came into your life…Understood. It is hard…although hopefully your “normal” will be even better than before you met him. It is going to take time…I am 5.5 months into it and it sucks…but it does get better…Today has been one of my good days…hopefully it keeps up.
Work on yourself. Think of activities that you always wanted to do but never had time or guts to try…or take a class…something to occupy your mind and spirt.
Ah, recently, my AC from the 90s returned into my life like an F5 hurricane. Long story short, I have decided to completely delete him from my social networking online and implemented the no-contact rule. I am going to stick with the rule, but I don’t know if he will. I hope he does because I have all sorts of boundaries he couldn’t stick with and I believe that’s what may have made him walk. All I say is keep walking buddy! 🙂
Kimba,
We work together. I have to see him every day. I thought that I could do the friendship thing with him, but it is way to hard for me. The worst thing is I don’t want to know what is going on in his life. Why do they insist on being friends? How is it so easy for them to jump from relationship to friends in the blink of an eye. He says it would kill him not to have me in his life. I will have to do NC, but I don’t know how to do it at work?
He could not give me what I needed…. You eventually get to a point in one of these devistating relationships where you just have to accept that truth. He cannot give you what you need. Assclowns give you what you need once to hook you in but they are incapable of giving it to you on a regular basis because then the relationship would be about you….not them. When you look back he was only giving the first time so he could have what HE wanted…someone like us to want him.
I think it is easy for them to jump from relationship to friends because if he wasn´t committed in the relationship, what´s the difference for them?
In both situations he just does as he pleases and gets what he need (sex, hug, empathy, egostroke, flirting). Only now he officially doesn´t have to answer to you anymore.
It was only untill I very convincingly told my xEUM that I would never again sleep with him, cuddle, kiss or hold his hand (I had to specify to make the boundaries very clear for him ;)). Only then did he decide he didn´t want to be “friends” with me after all….
Hitting the nail on the head, as always.
It cracks me up how when I read one of your articles I find myself shaking my head in agreement, say yep, yep. Been there.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..How Will We Love?
NML, thanks for a wonderful post! Thoroughly enjoyable and completely on point. I loved when you wrote that “if you treat yourself as a person of value that expects the core basics and has boundaries, you will realise that they cannot give you what you need.” AMEN!!! So true! These me are incapable of being in a reciprocal relationship, they only know how to take. It’s always about them. I’ve dealt with assclowns whereby I’ve been hospitalized or very ill and told them about it and it was like “oh ok.” NOTHING!! No empotion at all. I mean, jesus, people have more emotions for road kill than that! I am so tired of these men. What a waste of energy they are. But everyday, I read and re-read your posts, I pray and say my daily affirmations and I work on loving me and setting my boundries. And I’ve noticed that I am more confident and willing to stand up for myself in all of my relationships with different folks in my life whether family, friends or co-workers, I demand that all people treat me with respect. So thanks NML and keep these wonderful articles coming!
truthhurts
That was his exact point when we broke up. He didn’t want to be tied down anymore. Didn’t want to have to answer to anyone. he is a “grown ass 30 year old man” and he wants to “do me” for awhile. Who says that? We had talked about getting married and having a baby. Now I guess he is seeing other “friends”. This is what is so hard for me to accept. You don’t want a relationship, but you are dating other people. I guess I’ll never understand!
Great post, thank you!, all my questions answered and even more insights to meditate on!!
Bless
Devastated –
I feel the exact same way. We don’t work together but socialize in the same circles. I’ve told him we are no longer a ‘couple’ but he has given me the same – I can’t live without you in my life – bit. I know he’s done some crappy things to me and I’m trying to decide if he would even be a decent friend in the end, but for now it seems less mean to at least talk to him a couple times a day. I’m as torn as you are because I also have no desire to know what is really going on his life — so what is the point of remaining friends? I think I’m doing it because he’s just ‘there’ when I feel like talking to someone and it makes me feel less alone in some ways, instead of bugging the people I’ve been driving crazy the last 6 months about him and his behavior. And I think I’m doing it because I would feel too mean or guilty to completely ignore him and do NC. Do I need to just somehow take that final step to NC or can we remain friends somehow? I think I answered my question – its always the execution that seems to be the problem. Let me know if you come up with something.
i hope NML reads these comments b/c i want her to know how absolutely amazing her posts are. she touches people’s lives and breaks things down in a way that is very powerful. i have trolled the internet many times trying to find support for my very unhappy, unhealthy relationship. when i came across this website it was unlike any other i have come across before. or since. with the information she gives, she has helped me make better choices and in turn…live a better life. so i just wanted to say thank you.
If there were one post that says it all it’s this one. I actually had both types of assclowns described and one is no better than the other, in the end they both made me feel horrible. I can see now that I exhibited about every behavior described that enabled them to treat me that way. If I’d put my foot down those relationships wouldn’t have made it past the two week mark, instead they draggged on for a year each. I finally figured out (through NML of course) that it doesn’t matter how hard you try, you can’t do all of the work by yourself. And they have no reason to break it off because they don’t have a conscious and they’re getting everything they need. I especially love the point
“he may be one assclown flavour with you, and a different with someone else, but at the end of the day, they are what they are. If he cheats on you openly and won’t call you his girlfriend, but he cheats on the next one on the down-low and does call her his girlfriend, does that make it any better?”
I sometimes wonder if my ex-EUMs will treat the next girls any better, but I know it doesn’t matter because they still have no chance of ever meeting MY new set of standards. I’m at a point where I’m so much happier single than I was with those guys!
Devasted, it took me 4 times to finally cut the chord and stick to no contact after over a two year relationship which never turned into what he said it would… I wanted him in my life as a friend, too, but the only reason he wanted to stay friends was so that he could have an ego stroke and have a glimpse into my life…. it took me over 6 months to figure it out that he wasn’t really a friend, just a voyeur of sorts, and all that ever came out of it was hurt (on my end). So, unless you really need this guy in your life, I’d let him go. You can then free yourself up to heal and be ready for a really great relationship. Only you know when you’ll be ready to finally stick to the no contact. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but don’t keep going back for “more” if “more” is no good for you.
Take care,
lisa
This site is like serendipity every time an update comes out. I have been on round 2 with my assclown and yet again, just when I am making excuses for his inconsistent behaviour and hoping against all hope that he’ll change, I get an e-mail with a post that is so timely. I have to tell myself 100 times a day this guy is unhealthy for me because if I don’t, I start to pine and long for him. I don’t understand why I keep wanting someone who gives so little, but I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one who’s been blindsided and fooled. It’s so easy to take it personally, but seeing all the posts on this site help me to see that it isn’t just me. Thank you for this site. It’s truly a godsend.
NML,
Could you please write a post on remaining friends with AC’s?
I know I’m not NML but I’ll put out a warning bout this friends thing, I was friends with the AC and when the s*it hit the fan, and I needed him to come clean on something that involved my personal safety, he flaked, big time. Lies, venom, irrational, ugly. The same deficiencies of character that make these guys bad dates, make them not so great friends.
The only OK about bad friends is that friends usually do not have quite the same significance in your life as a romantic partner, so when they dis you, which the AC friend likely will do, the dis isn’t as disheartening to you as if from someone you trusted your heart and soul to. But, take it from me, it can still be pretty shocking and hurtful. I’m at 10 weeks of NC and I am starting to recover.
If you think about being friends because you harbor fantasies of the guy coming round to being worthy of romance, I would think staying friends in this instance is a very bad idea; distracting at the very least, and setting you up for the horror of wanting, waiting and not getting, at the very worst. This is also disrespectful to you for all the reasons in so many posts on this site.
The only person I have ever had to do NC on, in my entire life, was the AC that got me here, and he was a very close friend. NC goes against ALL my beliefs on humans getting along, working out differences, learning from those differences, acting with sensitivity and intelligence, seeking kindness and compassion for others, etc ect.
But the AC is a special breed, and the level of disrespect, the lack of intelligent communication, the lack of truth and integrity, and the laziness of it all, crossed a boundary line of mine and challenged my beliefs like nothing else. NC was right for me in this case; the AC proved to be a really lousy friend.
There is a reason they are called assclowns, and my gut feeling is that an AC can never really be a friend. Maybe an AC can be an acquaintance, but I don’t see how a real friend. A friend has to be willing to work to give. And be sensitive that the giving is what the person wants. An EUM maybe could give a little, but not an AC; I do draw a distinction.
Aphrogirl,
We’re on the same page, I just wanted NML to back it up for others.
You made terrific points on the topic!!!!
It is not because you have some shared drama that you are instant friends once the relationship ends. A friend is not supposed to hurt you and a friend is supposed to have your best interest at heart. So you don´t stay friends with your EUM because by this definition you were never friends to begin with.
And why would you want to make the choice to become friends with someone who has hurt you, belittled you, stood you up, cheated on you and what not?
My EUM has proven in our relationship that he is very egocentric, very oblivious about his own issues and unable to see the consequences of his behaviour. He doesn´t just act that way in the context of a relationship. It´s rooted deep inside him. He might be able to hide it better from friends because he doesn´t see them that much or his friends might not care as much because they are not that emotionally involved with him. But he is still a selfish bastard, in any context. And once I realized that I had no desire to keep this person in my life.
I tried the “friend” thing with my AC. It DOES NOT work. If you still want to be friends, I believe it is because it will allow you to see into their lives. This is not what you want. This is very hurtful. And I agree, why would anyone want to consider the very person that has used, and hurt and confused you so much to be a friend? With friends like that who needs enemies? I sure don’t. There are too many good, caring people in the world! My AC insisted that we stay friends and I tried so hard, but I can honestly say that, I wanted to stay a part of his life so that if he changed his mind, I would still be here for him. What was I thinking! FALLBACK?? We also work together, so I thought that would make work life a little easier. It does not. They do not know how to be boyfriends, so how can they know how to be friends. During our year together, I saw how he treated his friends. Hot and cold with them also. This is not how I want to be treated by anyone. Friends are there for you through thick and thin, good and bad. I will promise you that the AC’s will not be there for you when things get bad. To anyone who is considering this….please re consider being demoted from girlfriend to friend. It sucks!!
truthhurts,my ex was exactaly like yours.As soon as I said I didnt want the sex anymore he totaly changed.He started to make contact much less often and a few weeks later said he wanted to stop it because “it wasnt working for him like that”.Aparently it looked much more as a friendship to him when we were having sex(I dont know how) than without it.I even tried to explain to him that since we are friends we suposed to behave like it and so that shouldnt include sex but he didnt seem to get it.And when he asked to stop it he said it had nothing to do with the sex being cut,that just hurted him being just friends.But how come he seemed to be just fine with it when I asked him if we could be friends and the 2 months or so that we were friends with the sex still there? It wasnt until I cut it that he realized it hurts him? They think we cant see their real intentions,but we can.I wanted to be his friend but after that I realy wonder if is worth to be friends of somebody that does something like that.
Aphrogirl–You’re dead on and actually NML has written a couple of articles about remaining friends (available on this site). Her answer is very similar to what you wrote. Though there may be a distinction between EUM & assclown (I understand what you’re saying), there is no distinction in whether they can be friends–they can’t. EUMs are no more capable of it than assclowns. On their side of it, what they, the EUM/Assclown are thinking is, “great–I’m still in her life so if I ever need an ego stroke or maybe a quick shag, she’s there for me.” Trust me on this. They really don’t know what the word friend means. PLUS, they still get to have a foot (or toe) in YOUR life so you can’t move on. There are guys I dated that I could still be friends with–not the EUM. And, once I got away from him and all of his EUM tendencies, I realized I really didn’t want to be his friend.
One year ago I decided to not engage any more with my boyfriend who was married because he was married. He promised me a future after his divorce and told me that he just needed two years until his son ended college. Fishy or responsible exception? His marriage was beyond repair and both partners were agreed to this divorce plan. So he told me. Yes, of course I thought him “different†but doubted it at the same time. These two years were “not negotiableâ€. Men have totally other definitions of “duty, obligations and honour†as women which let me think it over and over again. Well, I was interested in a relationship now and then not in two years or whatsoever. First mistake was on my part to get involved believing in that “futureâ€. I corrected my mistake as quickly as possible and ended the relationship. I wanted him to make a clean cut. He was full of admiring words about my character and boundaries, but short after that I received an email in which he told me that he already had replaced me. (He could’ve got divorced and send me an email “I’m free!†But no!) That hurt nevertheless like hell. The OW a woman who was married, cheating and also in some “future divorceâ€. As partners in crime I wished them well and no contact. I nearly forgot about him.
Just the other day I received a kind of grudging email from him, nicely wrapped in a few questions how I’m doing, in which he told me that his relationship had deepened and that they are going to move together in a month and all theirs plan for the future. It was like “There you are, it could have been you…but you couldn’t wait. I’m going to get my divorce.†Triumphant mail?! BTW, he wouldn’t move out without an other woman being afraid of living alone, he states it himself.
I’m interesting in understanding men as well as understanding women, I don’t like men bashing as well as women bashing – and as many women here I struggle to tell the behaviours apart. Very difficult and so confusing. I felt really sad after that email, but remembered also these awful feelings about being second fiddle and not being able to accept the crumbs of being just an affair. Does it sound like assclown?
Dazed and Confused –
I missed your post somehow last time. Again – I can relate to this same feeling of somehow my emotional neediness turned a nice guy into an uncommunicative mean spirited person. When I look at it completely objectively (his failed first marriage which he doesnt seem to take any share of the blame for, his somewhat tense relationship with his mother, everyone he works with is an idiot in his eyes, etc.) I realize he certainly has issues with all kinds of relationships and its unlikely that I ‘turned’ him bad, but I still cant help but wonder if I were a more put together person if things would have been different. Anyway – it helps if you really try to look at him outside of his relationship with you and maybe you’ll see some things there that you certainly did not contribute to – i.e his other relationships and just his personality in general.
I’ve read some of the NML ‘friends’ posts and they are on point. I guess I’m just wishing for something, not even sure what. He wants me back – so its not like I’m wishing he’d take me back. I dont want to go back to a romantic relationship with him – he crossed the boundaries in a big way. But I guess based on my actions I still want him in my life since I’m still talking to him. Sometimes I really confuse myself as to what the heck I want. :<
Arlena,
I doubt he is going to get a divorce and move out with the other woman, and even if he does, BE GLAD IT ISN’T YOU! I was involved with a married guy (that is the one and only AC after my divorce) and he said similar things….I also told him I couldn’t see him anymore until he was actually divorced, and he used the “soon” “someday” “when my kid starts college” theme, too… they never leave, and even if they do, there is so much baggage that it makes for a rough relationship. I hope you can take care of YOU and keep your life moving forward. I’m feeling so much better and “normal” with 4 or 5 months of No Contact behind me. He has showed up a couple times in my neighborhood at places where we used to go, but I’ve just said “hello” and walked on even when he tried to engage. You can’t change them. They are what they are, and they probably had other women (behind their wive’s backs) before us, and they’ll have more after us. I DON’T FIT INTO THAT plan, and I’m sorry I ever let myself get sucked in, but so glad to be out! 🙂
Don’t let him contact you anymore. He has someone else on a string now and shouldn’t be trying to rub it in your face. What a jerk. I’m not into man bashing, either. I like men a lot, but you have to see that for what it is…. just plain mean.
I can sooo sympathise with so many of you because I’ve been there too and I worked with my AC/EUM as well. But a couple of things on staying friends…
I tried to stay friends with my AC until one day it dawned on me that there is no point for staying friends. I wanted to stay his friend honestly because even though I knew he wasn’t good for me and I broke it off, I wanted to be close enough for him to still see that I was a good person, just in case he decided to try relationships again (he was dumped by a fiancee before me). I also thought that it would be mean and cold to cut off all contact with him but then I realised that I needed to think about how this makes me feel and SO WHAT if he thinks you’re mean and cold! What he thinks of you shouldn’t matter, you need to protect yourself. Plus if your AC treated you so badly, a little coldness seems like a small punishment for his bad behaviour.
The last point I want to make is that I think there’s a difference between staying friends and being cordial. Calling to say hi is staying friends, saying hello while you keep walking is being cordial. I don’t think anything is wrong with being cordial, especially in circumstances where you have to see each other but staying friends is not good for your self esteem or self image and we all know that we only want to stick around for those glimmers of hope that make us feel like we’re doing something worthwhile. NML, if you write something on this, I would love if you talk about that!
Men who are assclowns/EUMs cannot be good friends to anyone let alone women they have messed over. To be a good friend one has to show empathy and concern for other people in one’s life. Assclowns and EUMs don’t have empathy b/c it’s always about them and their wants, needs and desires. They tell us they want to be freinds once we put demands on them because they are playing on our hope that they will change during the life of the “friendship.” They know we are afraid of being alone, have low self esteem and basically believe we deserve they’re shoddy behavior. They know we’ll put up with their shit b/c they know we think we can change them. These men are master manipulators and are expert on getting what they want. This isn’t male bashing. This is the true character of many men and that is sad. We as women must have clearly defined wants, needs, desires and boundaries so that we can be able to spot and deflect assclownery when we see it. These men have needs and they will walk over anyone to have those needs met and be damned your feelings.
Why are we so concerned about if our needs pushed him away? And what are those needs exactly? Tell me the truth, call when you say you will, don’t cheat on me, show some concern about my well being, take me somplace nice, show me a little (non-sexual) attention, get a job, remember my birthday for once, be there when I need someone to lean on once in a while, care about me. Are those things too much to ask a man who claims to “love” us and who have “never met anyone quite like” us. Please…give me a break. NML has said it a million times, actions speak louder than words. If he is an AC when he dated you he’ll be an AC as a “friend.” They won’t change. Face reality, stop wasting your precious energy hoping he’ll have an epiphany, it won’t happen, and move on, becasue he certainly has.
Made a mistake
I love the name you have assigned yourself. Helps me remember to take full responsibility for my involvement with the AC.
It’s so easy to rag and be hurt and angry keep thinking about what an AC he is. And while realizing that is a relevant and necessary step of recovery, that thinking puts all the blame on him.
The more important thing is that I made a mistake getting involved.
I doubt I will ever knowingly do such a thing again.
QT… thanks for the response. I went back and read the posts on passive aggressive behaviour today… really interesting. You know my EUM was a gentleman. He did call, he did pick me up when I went out with my friends, he did take me to nice places… but when I invited him to parties he cancelled at the very last minute by suddenly saying he had other plans. I would ask to go away for a weekend… and he would say he might be busy with work. He wouldn’t even directly tell me he didn’t want to go, he just annouced other plans as if I was supposed to read between the lines. And I would be so frustrated. My communication was constantly put down by him. I kept thinking oh no it’s me… but NML mentions something about them running circles around you until you doubt yourself. I became a mute, lost my train of thought, or often ended up yelling because he would interrupt me without even letting me finish.
So I am sitting around blaming me, saying oh no I lost my temper, he is right I do not deliver messages well and then I think wait a minute I did try… I tried to use ‘I’ messages, talk calmly, approach the situation with understanding… but I also remember storming out when he would distract me and clearly not be listening.
I think there are varied levels of EUMs. I would not call this man an assclown… but he has lots of baggage, several failed relationships, and only one relatively long term one to speak of, which he describes as him ending up with no self esteem as his ex abused him and brought him down. He might know how to “treat” a woman… but he does not know how to be partner.
So it does not matter that he is not a total assclown who pulled disappearing acts… he is not trying to come in and out of my life now… he left and has permanently left. I take this as meaning oh no he’s not like these men in your lives. But I think I am strong enough to know how he did treat me… We work together and after screaming at me and telling me I was absolutely no good, he just walks up to me and talks to me now as if nothing ever happened, asks how I am and how I spent my weekend… I am flabbergasted!
Thanks for reading and responding.
Speaking of passive aggressive – is this passive aggressive or is this just a nice guy trying to get his girlfriend back after cheating on her (I know there are inconsistencies in that statement about being nice and cheating in the same sentence but I used nice for a reason)? We are in friend mode now, at least in my mind, and he asks me if I’d like to take a week long vacation for my birthday (in September). That’s the seemingly nice part – everyone loves a trip. With obvious reservations, I tell him we need to talk about this offer. He gets angry (or as he puts it – frustrated) and starts shooting off emails about how he can tell I want nothing to do with him, how he’s trying as hard as he can and there’s no movement in the direction of reconciliation, how he’s upset and sad, how he’s frustrated, how he’s… you get the picture. I was kind of ticked – we’re not a couple, why should I put my life on hold so to speak for 4 months to go on a vacation with him, when who knows if we’ll even be speaking at that point.
So… is this a nice guy who wants the love of his life back (as he puts it) and wants to use a trip to a romantic destination as a move in that direction, or is this a guy who is trying to manipulate someone into doing what he wants, when he wants it, and keeping her on the hook? I dont even ask for these conversations – he starts them, gets me upset, then appears to be quite happy with himself about the way the whole thing played out. What is that about?
Or am I seeing this wrong – is it me and he’s just trying to make amends and I’m not open to it and he is rightfully frustrated? Am I really just some sort of cold hearted, unforgiving, wench? I’ve become so confused by everything I can’t seem to even think straight. I’m thinking he’s an AC just because he’s so confusing.
Qt… This is a tough one. But here is what I would say… if he wants the love of his life back he would 1) be patient and understand what he was already put you through and 2) he would be willing to take baby steps to get your trust back. I find these guys are famous for taking you off on vacation… fun all around right? A solid relationship with someone you care about takes work and he needs to put in work, not get himself a nice vacation with some babe.
QT,
What’s the story with his cheating? How many times did he cheat and how did you find out?
We were together for 8ish years. He started acting kind of weird in December and in January he said he needed some time. Said he was depressed, confused, etc. I had a feeling there might be someone else because we never spent time apart if we didnt have to and suddenly he wanted to be apart. It was a pretty big shock for me to say the least.
I asked a million different ways if he had met someone else and he said no and I even asked if he wanted to see other people and he said no (just to sort of give him an out) asked if he wanted to break up he said no – that he just needed time alone. I actually got worried about him when I didnt hear from him for a week – so I went to his place one morning before work and found him with another woman. Some woman he was working on a project with from out of town. I guess he met her in December and she came and stayed with him for a few weeks in january and february.
He never told her about me or that he was currently in a relationship when he was with her – he basically lied to her about all of that. In February he sent her back to where she came from, told her he didnt want a long distance relationship and told me he made the biggest mistake of his life – etc. wanted me back, etc. He maintained contact with her for awhile- she thought they were still together I guess and I told him that had to stop if we were going to have a chance. He said he was just trying to be nice to her. I was so excited at the thought of having him back – I really didnt think clearly about what an AC he had been. He started another relationship behind my back, he basically fell off the planet as far as I was concerned since he stopped calling me completely when we used to talk 20 times a day and he didnt seem to care one bit about hurting me.
Anyway – in my excitement I agreed to see him again and the contact finally stopped for awhile -then she contacted him late one night and it was a little here and there after that. I freaked out over it and he insisted it was nothing, that it was over, but it went downhill from there. He’s angry with me because I wont ‘work’ on us. I’ve asked him to go to counseling from the get go and he said yes, but never made the appointment. I think by work on it he means – me to just get over it,but that doesnt seem to be happening. I seem to be getting farther and farther apart from him. My head has already decided he’s bad news for me but my heart was telling me differently. I loved this guy like crazy – but maybe now that I’ve read so much of this website it was just crazy love and not real love. I dont know. I dont know what to do. I’m scared to be with him. He’s not very understanding, or empathetic, and he was being outright mean and uncaring by staying in contact with the other woman. He even broke up with me at one point and called off a vacation we had planned because I was upset at him for texting her.
Should I even give him another shot? I feel like I was trying to and he screwed it up by randomly contacting her when I begged him not to. (We share a phone so I can see the calls/texts). Like I said – now he’s accusing me of not trying or wanting to work on it. I’m feeling like the guilty one. I hardly know whats going on with this anymore.
Any insight would be appreciated. I’m sorry this is so long 🙁
And honestly – now that I just read what I typed I think he’s a complete jerk and I’m a complete idiot for even considering taking him back.
I cannot agree more with the posts who say you cannot be friends with an exEUM …
I too went against my gut instinct that a friendship would not work.
After a few phone calls on his part and some charm but no EPATHY as to what he had put me through I rang him and said okay I will be a friend he took this as good news but the dynamics totally changed he no longer called, when we met up I felt I had done all the work to be at the agreed venue with him just sauntering along late (I find it rude when people are late) It was like I was back in the harem and he no longer cared a small crumb here and there and lots of lies and absolutely no follow through on anything he said.
I finally saw I was unhappy and ended the so called “friendship” like NML says the whole friendship was based on his terms but with me doing all the work.
In five months he has rang once and blamed all his bad behaviour on his stress but he had absolutely no empathy the whole conversation was designed for me to have empathy with him.. and though Im occasionally tempted to be in contact for the most part Im over him and remind myself how much more peaceful life is without him my life.
Sometimes though like me you have to learn the hard way about things,,,
There is somewhere also an article about the no contact rule in the work place..
OT
That is a sad story, did you have any clue in the eight previous years that he was an EUM/ AC ? Not defending him, cause he sure is AC now that it really matters but, maybe cheating messes one up a bit. It’s a pretty big mistake to swallow and own up to and come to terms with. Takes a level of maturity that I bet many are not naturally equipped to deal with.
Regardless, a betrayal is hard to recover from. If he does not go all out to earn forgiveness, I don’t see that it can be given. And, of course his keeping in touch with the OW is symbolic of his lack of understanding of the seriousness. Forgiveness must be earned by the one who does the damage, and you can grant him forgiveness only after he has earned it properly.
If he had no AC tendencies before and you really feel you love him, this I’d get right to counseling together because this does not look good.
But, if he was AC all along, I think you what know most of us here would recommend – NC now, to get away from the crazymaker. I am sorry, this must really hurt.
QT,
I am so sorry you have gone through this ordeal.
I think his lies and continued contact with this woman says a great deal about the man and his commitment to the relationship . You must also consider the fact that he has not sought counseling and shows a complete lack of empathy for your feeling, to me this does not seem to make him a very good life partner.
You have no reason to feel guilty, this man had disrespected you and your relationship, my advice would be to go NC and move on to someone who will be faithful.
EXCELLENT. Thank you.
I friend recently posted this and it is so appropriate for us all. “However strong your love for someone else is, the love of SELF should ALWAYS trump it. Don’t forget how much you love yourself, don’t be a FOOL for anyone! If a person (lover, husband, friend, relative, etc.) repeatedly treats you shi**y, why would you want them in your life? We women will cut off friends, co-workers, etc. for the smallest thing. But a man can continue to fu** us around and we’ll cling to him like glue. Speaks volumes about the ove we have for ourselves..
Soory for the typos!
Sorry, it’s early for me!
@QT,
I’m with Aphrogirl and Gayle…this guy is an ASSCLOWN! I don’t know how to say it any other way. He wants you when it’s convenient for him, when he wants, and then turns your words around so that you are thinking you’re the one with a problem not him. He is manipulating and intimidating you and I would suggest the NCRule from here on out.
He’s cheated, lied, and quitely simply been abusive to you and has no idea how to sustain a relationship with someone. Let him go, start NC, start grieving the loss, and start moving on with your life. You deserve a whole lot more than was this AC has to offer. If you’re having a hard time dealing with the emotions (since you have been with him for 8+ yrs it’s going to be hard) get into some counseling so that you can get yourself back to a place of normalcy. Being with an AC doesn’t give you normalcy, it’s crazymaking and they’re the crazy ones but pointing fingers at you telling you that you are. It’s the rollercoaster and you’ve paid for enough of his rides with your self-esteem and insecurities. Get off the rollercoaster, get away from him and start the healing process so that you can find some happiness.
That comment he made when you were upset that he was still in contact with the OW “He said he was just trying to be nice to her.” is so typical of these AC’s. What about being nice to you? Oh that’s right, he doesn’t have to because in his eyes you’ll accept whatever he gives you even if that is a bunch of crumbs. How pathetic is that? Do yourself a favor, cut the cord because you deserve much better than what this guy has to offer.
How can I stop wondering why my exEUM doesnt love me? I just keep thinking why or on all the could,shoulds and so on.Before when I used to like a guy and he didnt like me I would keep trying to win him instead of just walk away.Is like I have to make them love me.With my exEUM was the same,I would try to make him behave like my idea of how a bf should be.Why I cant just walk away when I see there is no fellings in return instead of keep trying to win the guy over? I want to be able to just let go in situations like that.
Anusha,
I am going through the same. I am also quite sure my EUM has moved on with someone else. I can try and suggest a few things.
1) Did you love him when with him? Or has this just come up with rejection? People who feel abandonned often idealize their partner, and remember them as better than they were.
2) I remember an old post from NML about remembering that you both may have seen the relationship differently. What you love about you, and therefore expect him to love, may not be the same. My ex told me I was demanding and stressful and that he needed a less strong woman. I want him to love me for the driven woman that I am… but it’s his issue that he has no modeling of a strong woman in his background, that he wants to be the success and in control,
It is good to love yourself and know what you like about you. I told my ex that i was this great catch and didn’t understand how he didn’t want me. I am a good catch, but it does not mean that I am a good catch for him. Remember someone not loving you does not mean you are not lovable, or that you are not worthy. There are many great people out there who are simply not for you either, that you would dislike. Have you not ever dumped someone? Can you look back at those guys and say there was something fundamentally wrong with them? I dumped plenty of men in my life MOST OFTEN because I was a mess, not because there was something wrong with them.
Love is mostly a feeling, you need to connect, there needs to be caring on both ends. He is not going to simply love you because you are there and have a list of great qualities. If he can’t “feel” or “connect” with you… love will not foster. I also read somethign recently about love being an action as well… you will not fall in love with someone unless you actively seek to love them. These guys tend to be more focussed on them and the game of keeping you, fending off their own insecurities, it’s very hard to fall for another person when you are so caught up in managing your fears and trying to protect yourself. We are normally doing the same, which is why these relationships fail. If both partners are so preoccupied making sure they are not getting hurt, they are not busy trying to take care of the other person and to love them.
So please try not to see this as him not loving you… he is not “loving” anything.
truthhurts
You’re so right about boundaries. Guy I was interested in recently who took me out and then revealed at the end of the evening he still had feelings for someone else and was hoping to preserve the relationship but wants to be friends with me.
Naturally as I didn’t know I was stunned and felt foolish but decided to do the friends thing and think I’ve got the mindset down right.
He came around two nights ago to return some stuff I had lent him and he commented that I was not my normal effusive self. I have had a lot of study and financial things to consider as well as being blown off by him so was maybe more subdued than usual. I sat there thinking to myself ‘you did not reveal information that I would expect any other person to, made it plain you want to be friends and then act hurt when I’m not all over you – wtf?’
Anyway, after him having a coffee he got up to leave and went to hug and kiss me on the cheek and I held him off saying that I didn’t think it was proper for him to kiss me as he had unfinished business with his girlfriend overseas. He replied that he had lots of girls who were friends and he was a huggy kind of guy who even had male friends that he hugged. I said, “That may be and maybe I would be considered old fashioned but I could not be a party to hurting someone of my own sex and that perhaps if it was my birthday or Christmas a cheek kiss would be OK but not all the time.
I think this has thrown him for a loop that I will not do the platonic substitute girlfriend type thing and maybe it will get him to consider boundaries with his other women ‘friends’ but somehow I doubt it. At least I have laid my boundaries out for him.
He was by the door and said, “So I’ll see you….” and I answered “Whenever” and wished him good night.
I have been working very hard for two weeks to quell any of the “likey-like” feelings by saying to myself each time I find myself thinking of him in a romantic light ‘Get over it, he’s not interested – move on’ and it’s been very effective because I deserve better.
Perfect satisfaction will occur when I have someone worthy of me and I can say to this guy when he comes around, “by the way I’d like you to meet my bf xxxxxxxx.”
DazedandConfused,thanks for your reply.I did love those guys from the begining so it didnt start with the rejection.Anyway I dont know if what I felt for them was love.Like with my exEUM if you ask me why I love him I cant say,I just fell that “wanting” for him and I called it love but maybe it isnt.I was thinking about it and to love somebody you have to like things about that person and to be honest I dont like how my exEUM is.He can be very self centered and hurtfull,sure he has qualities but not the ones I apreciate like being sweet,romantic,caring,etc.I see your point that I shouldnt take it personaly but it does afect me.Anyway you are right,EUM arent conect to their fellings so they cant love anything.I think he confused how I made him fell with love,I remember asking him once what made him love me and he said it was because nobody had never been all that nice to him like I was when we first meet.Like I would pay a lot of atention on him and make compliments.But love is about the other person not about you(and neither me knew it too by then).He used to say he love me and I think maybe he did on his own way.But I keep wondering about it and I would like to just let go.Like think to myself “Ok he doesnt love me on the way I want” and just let go.And I did that on my actions by not being with him and being in NC but is like on my fellings Im still doing that strugle to win him over understand? By thinking all the whys,hows and looking for explanations.
Jus to to explain more,is like I have that fascination to change things and cant just acept them how they are.Instead of just acept and move on when I notice that somebody doesnt like me I just keep trying to win they over.Anybody can relate and know why I do that?
This is the best article yet!!!! I am having such a terrible time right now and am almost 5 months of no contact. This article describes my assclown perfectly. I can’t believe it. My assclown was UNKNOWING. Oh he said and did all the right things in the beginning, but that only lasted a month or so, just long enough to let me know the “good” was in there….. He never cared about my feelings, had no empathy, no tolerance when I shared my feelings. I trusted him completely and told him things only a very few people know about my life and my past and he made a mockery of it later down the road. I shared with him my innermost feelings and he even made the comment “I don’t need your psychic razzle dazzle”. I was so hurt and felt of such low value. He basically admitted he didn’t value anything I had to say and more or less made me feel like I was a “nuisance” to him. Still so hurt.
Another thing interesting that Kissie stated in her post is what are OUR needs? Like we are asking to much for just decent respect, to be valued etc. I was so accommodating to his moods and needs all the time, I started to lose myself. He got so bad at the end, I flat out told him I refused to tolerate him speaking to me with such meanness and disrespect and that if he valued me he would not speak to me like that. That is when he cut me off, ignored my texts, ignored my “apologies” for “upsetting” him, completely stopped loving me I guess. I was getting paranoid that I was being high maintenance and expecting too much out of him for him to be decent to me!!!! I never asked him for anything except to be treated kindly, the way I would expect he would want to treat me since he pursued me for 4 years. But NOOOOO! I was just a supplement to his life. I told him I was not “Supplemental Susie” and deserved more than that. He just got more aggravated the more I told him what I felt I deserved.The analysing and the poor behavior on his part, this article states it perfectly. I tried to make excuses in my mind for why he would do things. And still AM. Why he isn’t contacting me, why he glares/stares at me. Now after not speaking to him for 5 months, he glares at me, I feel, to intimidate me to believe I am the one with the problem. I have to see this assclown every day and that is why I haven’t fully recovered from this horrible time in my life. As with Anusha, I can’t stop wondering why he just stopped loving me without any problem? This man pursued me for 4 years saying that he loved me for 4 years, etc., verbalized his love for me till the day before he just stopped talking to me. Gee, I guess he woke up that morning and just stopped loving me. Well, I wish all us women could just do that too. When you love someone you love them 100% forever. I still love him and will until I take my last breath.
I am trying to figure out what type of mind game he is playing with me by staring, etc. Does he want me to feel that he misses me? Does he want me to feel like he still wants me? Is he staring because he can’t stand me? Is he staring because I am still his eye candy and he is happy with having just that and none of who I really am? I am at a loss in trying to understand this assclown and wish I had the ability to read his mind. He won’t talk to me to verbalize how he feels so I am just left in the dark – wondering….
Miserable Love,
I have been following your story for some time now and was wondering if you have sought any counseling?
Anusha
I think it’s like Dazedandconfused mentioned above. It’s like you feel everyone must love you – if there’s one person out there that doesn’t, you feel like you are basically unlovable to all – despite all the others that do love you (family, friends, etc.) I think its a self esteem issue – or perfectionism issue or something. Having to be liked and loved by all. Probably something from childhood maybe? I mean I would think everyone wants to liked and wanted but we have to be realistic about these things. If everyone wanted us – that would make life even harder wouldn’t it ? Maybe 🙂
The part about wanting to change things – maybe it’s that the grass looks greener on the other side cliche. You can’t see things for what they really are – you just have this image in your mind of what you think they’d be like if only you could change this or that.
Thanks so much for everyone’s response to my issue. You are all so caring. Whenever I read a response I feel like I’m getting a big hug. It’s really nice.
QT I totally agree… I think part of it is too that we think we love these guys, and wonder how we can love someone and they don’t feel it. I truly believe we don’t really love these guys. How can you love someone who treats you like this? That is not love… that is addiction and pain. The pain gets even worse when they leave and I think we think that is love getting stronger.
I do not recall loving my ex when with him. Now it’s like oh no I loved him what do I do now that I lost him… And Anusha you hit the nail on the head when you said you can’t think what you liked about him. I did the same! I started a list which consisted of affectionate, loved good music, liked to read, picked me up all the time and always always called. These are not characteristics of a “person.” Like funny… no he was not. A good listener… nope. Thoughtful… nope.
I see him now with his new woman and think 1) How does he just get a new woman (he’s really shy, not one of these guys who approaches women) and 2) I am goign through that freak out that he will be different. I try and remind myself that it’s unlikely but also different people do cause you to behave differently. I am aggressive, I can be very critical, I respond loudly to poor treatment… the next woman could be much more laid back, she could be a total doormat.
I do sit and wonder if he was not all that bad HOWEVER if when you are together you create a toxic situation then it’s not good for either of you. It’s so hard to say that, so hard to let them be with someone else, but you are saving yourself from that misery. Men tend to shy away from conflict, and dealing with emotions. While he has bailed on you, you feel hurt that he doesn’t want to put the effort in with you, this really is the best thing for you. He will similarly keep seeking a relationship that does not require a lot of emotional input.
What do you do when the AC you are with has been your boyfriend for 8 years now and it’s gotten to the point where you have a 1 1/2 year old baby boy together? He is a total freeloader but you stay with him it seems just for the child and having nowhere else to go? We live in a house his mother pays for so to him that’s his way of contributing. I feel really stuck in this relationship due to having nowhere else to live with my son. I know most people would be like why did you ever have a kid with him? It’s very complicated in that after 4 years of dating my father got diagnosed with lung cancer and was given two years to live. It clouded my judgement cause at the time all I could think of was how he was never going to see my first born. Next thing I know I get pregnant by this freeloading AC and now there seems to be no way out and I have no one to talk to that can help me.
Amazing! I WAS sitting here thinking about an assclown..justifing his HORRIBLE behavior and this article completely turned me around. I get it now! And this is just what I needed to move on..closure and understanding.
Michelle,
LEAVE!! I was with my AC for 13 years. I now have 4 children and his antics started after i had my first. Stayed because he was a “good dad” and “good provider” Now i am single, mid 30s and 4 children later, he is off somewhere without a care. All i can say is that there IS help out there and do not consider it charity but a hand up. 8 years is way too long for you to be stuck. Go to your local community centre or welfare and see what you are eligible for. Thank heavens for this site, I can now see an AC or UM coming a mile away!
Dear All,
thank u for all the posts and the very helpful information on this site. I would like to share my history of Assclowns, emotional unavailable men and even a narcissist.
I lived with an EUM for 12 years, during this period he brought my self esteem down to zero. In the end I dragged myself up and left him.
Seriously damaged, the door was wide open for Mr. Assclown. He told me repeatetly how wonderful I was, but never called me, never initiated contact, lied, cheated, never spend a weekend with me, didnt take my calls, dissappeared for a week or two and came up with another lie. I was with him for 3 years. In those 3 years I can count the amount of times he called me on one hand. (he is also an alcoholic)
After 3 years I finally had enough and left, as my self esteem was now even lower, I met the Narcissist. Now this is something else, as he is a real and fully blown one. After 6 months of him doing everything possible for me, including throwing himself in a puddle so I can walk on dry ground (honestly) I moved in with him and married him. I left after 4 weeks of marriage when he got abusive and tried to kill me.
I have hit rock bottom, but luckily I met some amazing people who managed to get me back on track. In the process of putting my life back together, I met my former Assclown boyfriend. And guess what, I tried to reel me in immediately and succeeded !!
He has now got himself a girlfriend and wants to keep me on the side. After our last “meeting” I suddenly realized what an amazing liar and cheat he is and that he would also make a shitty friend.
I have posted the break up letter to him today (can’t help it, needed to get a few things of my chest) and will apply the NCR.
By writing this post, I have realized how awful my history of the men in my life is. Awful, terrible.
I know I have to change my pattern and do a lot of work on myself and it will be hard work. But I have done the first step, realization !!!!
I have managed to sort my life out again from hitting rock bottom after my marriage. Why would I want to be with an Assclown after all this hard work ???
I am so glad I found this wonderful wbsite, it gave me a lot of answers and it helped me immensely in realizing I was on the way to allow the Assclown back into my life. And thanks to this site it won’t happen !!!
Best wishes to all of you
Alice
My MM is definitely the perfect assclown! He says and does it all!
Ladies,
The one thing each and every one of you needs to understand is, it is OK to love yourself more than you love the loser that you thought was “the one”. For some reason, we seem to think that if we love ourselves for the wonderful people we really are, then that somehow makes us the same, selfish arse that he is. Think about this, if you do not love yourself, why would anyone else love you? I am not saying to become arrogant and obnoxiuos, just know that you have worth, a lot of worth, and if some guy wants to jerk you around, there are many more guys out there that will appreciate you for simply being you. Please, stop selling yourselves short.