Why does he still think that I’m that kind of girl?
She then thinks: I must be giving off a vibe! He must be able to sense it!
She then derails her own progress and convinces herself that all the work she has done is futile, that she is doomed to be with him or other Mr Unavailables, and ponders whether she should just be that kind of girl because surely it must be what she is if these guys keep ‘a calling?
While it may appear that these men have some sort of in-built homing device or that you are giving off a vibe, I’m here to tell you that in the instance where they call you up and expect to pick up where they left off this is not the case at all. All they are doing is being their usual self-absorbed selves and taking a chance.
These men think of what you were like on previous occasions and assume that until they know differently that they can expect the same ‘level of service’.
The most deluded guys may even take several instances of you telling them to get lost before they finally get the message. They may actually think that you were having an ‘off day.’
Their mind is a bit like: Well I have one example of her telling me to feck off but I have countless examples of her not.
On those odds they reckon that if they try again, there’s a possibility that you will basically let them bust your boundaries.
Let me repeat: the fact that they keep trying isn’t really about you per se, especially if they are being rebuffed and met with a closed door.
They don’t know that you’re not available to come out to play anymore. If in previous instances you’ve gone back on your word, they’re not to know that you have changed.
The only way that they can know that you have changed is if they repeatedly get the same message.
The first time they’ll be surprised. The second time it starts to potentially sink in to their thick skulls.
You’re giving them too much credit and assuming that they know what is going on in your head and life. Technology isn’t that advanced! There isn’t an ‘I’m off assclowns and Mr Unavailables alert system!’
I know it feels like they should know what turmoil you have experienced and how much brain power you have expended but they don’t. You and he are not the same person! He’s living on planet Me, Me, Me.
They. Don’t. Care. Whether. You’re. Available. Or. Unavailable.
Much like No Contact where you get the message when the amount of time that you have ignored them for exceeds a previous maximum, they take you seriously when they are consistently shown that you are not taking their bullish*t for longer than you previously had.
They don’t know who you are anymore. You’re not the woman you used to be so stop assuming that they know some deep, dark secret about you and that all your hard work was a waste because they still called you up and assumed that they could bamboozle their way in. They’re not the oracle. They’re not a sign that you’re doomed and that you might as well give up and let them back in your life.
You can apply this knowledge about Mr Unavailables to the wider context of their behaviour – they’re always taking a chance, pressing the Reset Button, and using The Outrageous Principle. While they have become skilled at recognising some women who are more likely to be receptive, really they just run around chancing their arm with various women and pulling their crappy moves on receptive women. That’s it. The moment that you allow them to have some airspace in your life, they get a signal that you are a ‘kindred spirit’ and shazam they start pulling their moves.
Your job: To stop being receptive and to learn not to leave so much as a crack in the door opening for them to get the idea that you may be receptive to giving them a shag, an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on or anything else they can get.
They’re going to do what they do anyway and regardless. Eventually they will move on to a new target but they will keep taking a chance while they think for their own conceited and deluded reasons that there is a chance.
But remember: they don’t know a damn thing about the you that loves and takes care of yourself. Stop giving them too much credit and power. These men are just chancing their arm – you don’t matter. If the chance pays off, they’re quids in but if it doesn’t, the nature of these men is that they always have someone else lined up to chance their fall back strategy on. Just make sure that woman isn’t YOU.
Are you a Fallback Girl? Tired of being with unavailable men? Check out my ebook Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. If you’re trying to get rid of a persistent one or need to wean yourself of someone who is bad for you, you need my ebook the No Contact Rule and more in my bookshop..
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Hi NML! 🙂
These types of guys is what I call D-O-Gs, woof-woof! They’ll come around sniffing thinking there’s snacks around to nibble on. Unfortunately, it takes more than once, twice, 20 times to tell these woof-woofs to go away. Yep, it takes that much energy, time and space for messages to register in their tiny brain. Eventually, they’ll get it or just block their phone number. I’ve had these woof-woofs sniff around before and I have to shhooo them with a stick. But, they eventually got the message.
Sherry
…and if they don’t, the Order of Protection might give them a final clue! BE GONE FLIP FLAPPING ASSCLOWNS!
I choose me 🙂
this could not have come at a better time- LAST night I got a text from my emotionally unavailable assclown (who is saved in my phone under that name, after reading Mr. Unavailable). I told my EUM two months ago that I was looking for a real relationship and would no longer tolerate his booty calls and hot and cold behaviour. I then cut him out- facebook defriended, deleted all conversations and texts, and never looked back.
I laughed out loud to myself last night when my phone read- 1 text from “Emotionally Unavable Assclown”: “Hi, I want to get it on!”.
It’s like this guy read the textbook on how to be an EUM and followed exactly. Looking for his ego stroke and a quick shag, despite my asserting he would no longer be getting that from me. he just doesn’t care what I want. he’s only thinking of himself.
this guy has no idea how I’ve changed- how I’ve set boundaries and decided what I will and will not tolerate from a man in my life. he has no idea that i’ve wisened up to his predictable behaviour and knew his next move even before he had the whim to send that text.
I realize I’m worth more than a text-message booty call. And you want to know the best part? I don’t care if EUM ever realizes that. I feel no need to tell him about my improved ways. His message merits no response. And I’m moving onto greener pastures- to stop focusing on this EUM and find a real man who can give me what I want.
I’m only 24 and I feel like i’m on the right path to being smarter about these men and making decisions with my head AND heart- thanks for your wisdom, and sharing articles like these at just the right times!!
I like the “I want to get it on”. It’s not even a question!… yes, Planet ME ME ME all the way!
It’s astonishing how self centred these clowns are, he can’t even pretend to be interested in what you might want, or even be polite enough to ask for what HE wants, even “would you like to get it on?” is too big a leap for his brain. Pathetic.
My ex after months and months and months of NC sent me a one word text “Friends?”. I too didn’t even respond and just chalked it up to him still being the pathetic spineless jerk he always was.
This article reminded me of a recent weekend away with some friends when a very great friend of mine spilled the beans about his ways with ‘receptive women’ during what he referred to as ‘lean periods.’ This guy is someone I ‘ve known since we were teenagers, he is articulate, funny, non- judgemental(i thought) and has sustained long term relationships, he’s still friendly and supportive with some ex’s a far as I know… In short I wouldn’t have labelled him emotionally unavailable. The conversation turned to his ‘lean period’ and what he was doing to relieve the situation ‘Well’ he said ‘ There’s a woman or two I can phone’. He even went as far as to mention a name, a name I recognised as a joint acquaintance… Mutual booty call? I asked this childhood friend of mine…. I suppose so he said. ‘She’s, (lets call her M) always….pause…long pause…..enthusiastic.’ What makes her that I said…spill the beans? He went on to list behaviours that touch on the jist of NML’s spot on article. M will answer a text at 3.00a.m in the morning, swing right into a texting session with the emphasis on flirting. M takes a date for the next day, etc. The thing is I do not know whether M is actually in touch with how she comes across to my friend or indeed to other men who may be experiencing ‘lean periods’. My wise articulate friend has her sussed in an awful calculating way. He has her compartmentalised as ‘available’, she’s the archetypal fallback girl. Does she relish this? I doubt it…. Their mutual dance may end in tears on her part and he may realise that and still goes ahead. I like and trust my friend and find this dubious skill on his part unsettling. I find her response equally so….. Is this how he sees all women..?.in my opinion (and I ‘d love views on this), definitely not. He has been exceptionally reliable to his partners in the past and as a friend has always been there for me. If I ever got into a difficult situation, stuck anywhere, in an unsafe place I can call him. Does he categorise and define women by their actions I believe so. As for ‘M’, I wonder how she feels after her enthusiasm or as NML states ‘her vibe’ has flagged and she’s left amid another bit of wreckage. It’s happened to us all, I ‘m not claiming the higher ground here, but she appears to repeat this continuously, obsessively, In terms of feedback to my friend I did tell him what I thought about this behaviour and how I thought it stood apart from all the things I liked and appreciated about him. ‘I ‘ll think about it’ he said…will he? Not sure… I suspect he’ll think about the prize in hand and himself. All we can do in these situations is not be the fallback girl ourselves. I appreciated the article very much and plan to read book. Thanks.
I would be really really wary of being friends with a man like this. I am also dubious that he is such a good boyfriend if in the back of his mind he always has this fallback girl. I would hate to think that an SO of mine had a fallback girl.
It’s so disrespectful of women and unkind. I certainly don’t see him as wise.
Oh and he is friends with you, and a number of exes, and has this girl on call. Sounds like a harem to me.
I could be wrong, but I am not liking what I’m hearing here!
Wow, this guy sounds like a total dirtbag AC.
Of course he’s nice to you; it doesn’t require much,
and he can tell himself that he’s a “nice guy.”
You’re an intelligent and lovely woman, so if you are his friend,
he can’t be that bad. Right?
Wrong.
I am totally with Grace here.
His behavior is disrespectful and degrading to ALL WOMEN
— including YOU, who had to hear about it.
Good for you for not letting it slide!
And be very careful of this guy.
He’s a user.
Sorry if this is harsh, but from the outside it’s obvious.
Best,
Over It
yup. they love to leave it “friendly” so they don’t have to take responsibility for their sh*tty behaviour.
too bad!!
wait i just re-read that.
you know, two things occur to me:
1) some women really are ‘casual’ like that, and enjoy a nice booty call with an old buddy
2) some MEN take the above mentioned behaviour for what it is, and may not realize they are hurting her, if indeed they ARE!
Now, if “M”, your mutual friend, had in any fashion let Dude KNOW , in any way, that she really actually wanted MORE than a booty call, then yeah, ok, guy’s a jerk.
But, you don’t say (and maybe you didnt’ ask and maybe he wouldn’t tell anyhow) if “M” is a fallback girl to this guy and acts the part by demanding more, pursuing between his “lean” periods, etc, or whether she simply doesn’t bother calling him etc at all because SHE’S DOWN WITH THE BOOTY CALL thing. It IS a possibility. Maybe he’s not so fab, in her eyes, and she has “lean” periods too.
Grace, Columbia, Over it…thanks for posts.Wanted toget back before I have to work again.. Yeah, I ‘m with you Grace and Over it. I do not think the transaction between them was honest…in this part of his life he’s a sleazy guy. I hate that about him too. Columbia, your post is exactly where I ‘m coming from. If beforehand she’s up for this kind of call, in charge of her emotions, then yes, I think why not. It’s two adults getting it on… But, as I said and as NML is stating, there seemed to me a dishonesty there on his part, that she is someone he conveniently uses to feel good about himself and be damned with any emotional fallout. It’s hard whenyou know a guy in a non sexual context and like him but then see how he can be with other women. Like watching shape shifting before your eyes.
WHOO HOO! Right on Nat! Kick their sorry asses to the curb for good! The Ex EUM won’t contact me this I know for sure. He is scared of me and should be. Now that I went NC on our mutual friend because of her AC ways he can’t even get info on me anymore by a third party. Even if he got the guts and found a way (I have long since cut off communication possibilities) I know it would be about him and not me. He never knew me in the first place – just the shell of a person I was then. Not the tower I am now – go ME! and Thank YOU!
What a cool comment, MovedUp. Congrats on being a tower of you!
Hiya Natalie.Thanks for this article which pretty much sums up the problems I’ve been having recently after a summer of ex assclowns turning up all over the place.Texting,mailing,calling,literally appearing on the doorstep,you name it! Now while I completely see that this is how these dudes operate,irrespective of how much I may have moved on,nonetheless,being contacted by all these dipsticks again, hugely unsettled me.One major reason for this is that this summer I read “The Law of Attraction” and
“The Vortex”,both by Esther and Jerry Hicks, where the basic premise is that we attract absolutely everything that happens in our lives by our thoughts,feelings and emotions.So there was me hoping I was doing and thinking enough to attract quality people and instead I was literally bombarded by rubbish men! But another way of looking at it is that life keeps presenting you with the same problem until you solve it once and for all.Namely, SHUT THE DOOR AND BOLT THE LOCK to all ex assclowns and only then are you free of the past and ready to attract the good into your life.
also, as i am fond of mentioning, you will get FEEDBACK from PREVIOUSLY held beliefs/attraction-creations that you made BEFORE…until your new beliefs/attraction-creations begin to manifest
Hi Kay
I believe in the Law of Attraction (ie what we focus on is what we attract), however I was so glad to read your last sentence because it showed you got it!
Natalie’s article is great (as usual) because it tells us that we shouldn’t doubt ourselves when these guys turn up like bad pennies to try to gain entry back into our lives. They would do that with ANYONE! It is not about us……. so don’t take it personally.
The key is that when they turn up, we show our own growth by not giving in to doubting ourselves and by ‘repelling’ them with the strong, clear no access signs (thereby not giving into loneliness, neediness, desperation for anyone or any attention – even negative attention!).
It doesn’t mean that ‘you attract’ just simply because someone approaches you. That is the way of the world – all sorts good and not so good people will pass by – it is our ‘reaction’ to it that determines what we attract INTO our lives. It reveals how healthy we are (or not) to spot and take appropriate action when approached. Not to cling on to what everyone else can immediately see is a dubious character.
Do you ’embrace’ into your life or ‘repell’ out of your life such unsavoury people? This will always be the question that one has to ask of oneself.
I agree totally. It is your reaction to these idiots that determines the quality of relationships you have in the future. It’s like when you go to a club or bar and have one of those nights where every man and his dog comes up to you (usually when you’ve all made a pledge to have a girly night), from the gorgeous arrogant ones who never imagine being turned down, to the sweet but slightly clueless ones, to the ugly, drooling ones who are too drunk to stand. They’re just chancing their arms – doesn’t mean they think they’ve found a kindred, drooling, drunk, spirit and it doesn’t mean you have to give them the time of day.
All manner of people will be drawn to you, all the time, but it doesn’t mean you have to accept their advances. There will always be chancers, no matter how great you feel about yourself or how strong you are, it just means that they get dismissed and forgotten about after 10 seconds and it’s the truly yummy ones that stay in your memory and make you smile :).
@Columbia,Enlightened,Minky,thanks for the feedback.It is indeed our reactions that count and not their actions.You’ve helped give me more perspective and I appreciate that very much.
@Lesley Binnie.Glad i gave you a laugh.Summer of beating off assclowns is what it was.[lol,lol]
Hi Kay, I just love that ‘Summer of Assclown’ phrase! taking it with me in my mind to work….makes me laugh! Lx
I loved your comment Kay and I’m glad you’re getting plenty of perspective. While I get the whole law of attraction thing and echo certain sentiments, for us to assume responsibility for actions that are done in isolation and don’t care what we do or we don’t do, is giving us too much credit and power.
These men base their actions on chancing their arm and how they think you will act based on what you have done previously. They reflect your old beliefs and they don’t come back because you put some invitation out to the universe! They’re not psychic. They come back because they hope you’re still the same. Now these jackasses know you’re not.
Don’t be so hard on yourself (((hugs)))
I tell em straight that they should just ask me for sex if that’s all they want~ be real, honest and upfront~ use your spine, be a Man. More chance that I will say yes. I block their number if they just don’t get that I am not interested in booty calls (well, not again until I’m around 65 years old ~:-)
LMAO!!! this may be my favourite one yet, NML. right ON .
I have been so blind! I gave over my heart and trust just because he asked me to and had professed his love and wanted to marry me. The return of the childhood sweatheart was the worst thing to happen to me in 20 years!
I just learned and “officially certified” that he is still married, and it has devastated me to the degree of which I was lied to, manipulated and downright played. I am shocked and I have been almost a basket case. Barely able to focus on anything, reeling from this truth. This really, really, REALLY hurts. I was naive to think that “we” were really in love; that this man could really love me, and I am equally dissapointed to see how he– as a human being –can live with himself. How HE can be so callous with my heart and emotions due to a mid life crisis? or because his wife cheated on him?….After he 1st reached out to me on the social network, I soon after deleted him BECAUSE i thought he was married (and, I don’t talk to married men, and made that VERY CLEAR), and he told me I had it wrong, he was divorced. And, he’s not, not even close!
It was like he set out to hurt me. I am barely recovering every day, and I only today learned for sure that he is still married, and this has been a process of 3 weeks of silence on his part and NC on my part.
The answers are staring me in the face but are so painful to learn. I can’t shake the pain of being so disregarded. I broke NC today because I was basically in shock when I fully realized he is married, and I had been in denial. I have had a hard time accepting that he lied to me to that extent, our entire “relationship” was a complete hoax for his benefit.
Fortunately the email wasn’t long but told him I knew now that he was married and I aked him how he could lie to me and use me? I didn’t use any foul language but told him I despised and loathed him. God help him… and me, for ever thinking he was worth it. I told him I hope he finds his heart one day. And I hope my heart recovers.
Left wondering, ah, I can see it! You give him all your great energy and he lamely decides to only tell you so much. He knows its not the truth but justifies it immaturely ‘I don’t want to hurt you’ thinking he’s god’s gift and you need him (and surely you’ll want part of him at least, because you’ve told him how much you’re into him). He doesn’t have a clue if he’s coming or going but thinks its better to keep you around (and after all you want him regardless). It honestly feels like devotion and unconditional love are completely wasted on someone who’s not ready. They just turn it into something they can toy with. It actually makes them uncomfortable so they keep rejecting you but then come back for the treats, with just enough story to keep the door open. Wait til they’re in your life properly, they are available and then I’d guess that loving gestures are not only appreciated but reciprocated. I think that’s another reasons this can feel so damaging, women are so nurturing and if they give so much and are not appreciated it’s a cruel blow to them. Good luck, Dianna
Left Wondering
I am so sorry. I feel for you. Don’t be so harsh to yourself. He used you and you believe in him because it was imposible for you to imagine such evil. If you are a believer, then believe that God will heal your wounds and mend your broken heart. Commit everyday to Him.
left wondering…I’m so sorry for your pain and anguish. Not much can be said right now but keep your NC and know that you’re a strong woman, I can tell just by how you wrote your post. My thoughts are with you today and even though you’re at your lowest right now I know from experience it does get better.
@Left Wondering: These kinds of guys just do this sort of stuff. It’s a ‘how’ question that can’t be answered with your own values. They’re cut from different cloth, to use a bit of a hackneyed phrase. They don’t go through the channels of thinking and reflecting we do, they haven’t been brought up in the same way we have, they want to be heroes, but in the glory-boy sense, not the person who turns up every day and does the right thing. They’re always operating on behalf of their need to feel good about themselves (even if it costs others in pain) and also to look good to this fictitious audience they have created (which means that full, sincere apologies that could mean contradicting an image they have put all their energy into constructing are uncomfortable, inconvenient and, therefore, to be avoided). They’re not really interacting with people, they’re creating contexts in which to enact their power and hero myths. They’re weird, harmful people.
I have had two more EUMs enter my life since the AC. Have dismissed them kindly but very quickly. This post describes their approach perfectly. In the meantime, I know I spend way too much time profiling ACs, instead of sending my energy out, in positive ways, as Kay and Enlightened have mentioned. My AC has been given way too much mind-time by me, though I recognise that it takes a fair bit of time just to work out what the hell happened so you can actually grieve the right thing and let go. I hope it’s a speedy, smooth process for you, LW.
Elle, what you said makes perfect sense and describes the EUM/AC I was messing with to a tee. The desire to be admired, to been seen as larger than life while avoiding personal and interpersonal responsibilities, the flippant way he treats people, etc. I give it too much thought too, but it’s the only way I can make sense out of what happened to me and what kind of man I was dealing with. I figure if I understand the ins and outs of it, I can avoid guys like him the future and warn others.
Leftwondering,
Unbelieveable. What a bounder. I go with Elle’s ‘these guys just do this sort of stuff’… there is no reason, far less a reasonable excuse. .they are on planet ME ME ME; but it’ll get better for you and he will always be… well… just vacant. Hold on in there. Wishing you all the best. Be very nice to yourself. x
Good post Elle. That image thing is resonating with me tonight. You think if only the emotional investment was as important to these guys as proving they have status, materially,intellectually… I saw your earlier post and was encouraged by your resilience to these new AC’S. I too started dating again, after two years where I worked really hard to find me/restore balance/know my boundaries. The new dating scenario has not worked out for me for similar reasons to the ones you mention succinctly. The guy I dated was superficially perfect for me and had I not done the work I had I may have been in deep trouble. I recognised quickly what was happening, challenged and was dropped like a stone. Classic AC, hot off the blocks, declaring his love quickly with no real back up in tangible action.( I took real exception to being ‘auditioned’for a role he was creating for me that had nothing to do with the clever, independent woman I am ). As you and article say, its was all about ME, ME, ME in terms of his outcomes, his plans for what This site and comments like yours have helped a lot. They confirm I am healing well…. My wellness is shown in my optimism for the future. My obsessions don’t happen withthe same fervour any more and I love the calmness. You sound great just now, a true inspiration L x
thank u thank u thank u all ****
My heart was literally breaking yesterday. It was a painful and difficult day and a restless night of sleep. I cannot control if someone is going to lie to me to the extent that this man did to get what he wanted from me. I can’t take it all on. But it defo pushed all the abandonment buttons from my childhood and hurt me to my core.
Thank you for reminding me not to be so hard on myself, it’s just an emotional time no matter what I do, I find myself close to tears. A better and bigger part of me understands that I am lucky this ended sooner rather than later. And I appreciate more fully that I can’t expect him to provide any kind of rationalizations (there are none anyway) or care about his actions and careless ways with my heart. He will never be able to say anything to make up for this.
I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck with the truth he is married. I have always -ALWAYS- stayed away from married men and despise them for cheating or even flirting, I am truely angered that he somehow managed to get me to do something competely against my values, unknown to me until now. I would love to make him understand (and slap him) , but I know that I will have to somehow let this go. But I find myself so angry at him and wanting to lash out. “How dare he” is what keeps popping in my mind.
It’s up to me to empower myself for the future. I appreciate all of your comments and well wishes so much at this time. I look forward to the day that I can look back on this awful situation and say “shame on him” without feeling hurt.
Hi left wondering – I am so sorry you are hurting. My thought after reading your blog “I have been so angry for not being stronger – yet I did set boundries with my AC and he still violated them” i.e. you and married men.
My AC was a HS crush that looked me up after 28 years – he had to adjust his dispicable behavior because of my boundries and I believed he was worth it. After tolerating more than I have in the past 25 years – I have finally ended it. It does get better – I promise. But I know what a hard concept it is to realize that there are people out there “using others” but that’s what they do – I would tell my AC that he didn’t care how I felt and he would say that was not true – AND I BELIEVED HIM. Actions speak louder than words. How much more eveidence did I need – he couldn’t even show to my mom’s funeral and then “eye–f****ed” a girl in front of me on our date night, letting me leave for the night 6 weeks after my mom died.(This is not the only discretion in 2 1/2 years)
I broke my NC almost 2 weeks ago to tell him that I finally know the truth about him – and now I feel liberated! (An old GF that is only friends according to both of them is spending nights and weekends w/ him) The truth shall set you free – it may hurt – but it has set me free from all my self-doubt, the insanity in my head, and to move forward with my head held high. I also enjoyed telling him that he is a taker, user and a mind-f***ker.
When I broke it off with him in mid-August I said to him “I am banging my head against a wall that isn’t coming down, it’s insanity, I am in a dead-end relationship, and your nothing but poison for me” I think he got it and I got it as well. POISON!!
Keep reading, taking care of your heart & soul, do the work on yourself and remember YOU ARE WORTH LOVING and THE TRUTH!
Another thought provoking post. I think I have been guilty in the past of giving my AC too much credit and assuming he has put too much thought into things. We work together and after 2 weeks of silence and open hositility from me, he has been sniffing around, looking to see if I am ready to forgive him and hit the reset button – pretend it didn’t happen. I am not. I have not forgotten he is an assclown and that his behaviour was disrespectful and ridiculous. I was wondering if I was, subconsciously, still sending out some sort of signal that said I was interested when I was not. It’s comforting to know that it isn’t me -its him. They just keep trying till there is no hope. Hopefully he gets that message soon.
A positive affirmation:
I don’t need ___to keep on living.
I don’t need to have___in my life to feel alive.
What I am feeling is my body and mind healing from years of____.
This is a temporary feeling and will pass. I can and will live without____.
I do not need____to survive, nor do I want____.
I am happy I____despite how I feel at present.
The benefits from making this decision far outweigh the consequences during my temporary adjustment period.
This will get much better as promised by those who traveled this journey before me.
I have faith in that!
Be good to you!
Best. Post. Ever.
I am so thrilled to find this place ! It has truly confronted me to read this stuff and recognise me , my life, my pattern , my pain and now , my future freedom.
Mr EU is still ” sniffing around “, he’ll be in town soon (IM message ) , shall we meet for a curry??(oh and yes , he is “seeing ” someone, but we are ‘friends” arent we?).
I did the whole Fallback thing for 4 years . I WAS THAT GIRL!!! I am 50 years old , divorced several years . I was a plum ripe to be plucked . I did the shag , shoulder, stroke to perfection, and I called it love. I had NO IDEA men like this truly existed . I am a highly educated professional people person and i really believed in his underlying goodness. I thought he was traumatised and just needed enough LOVE to heal him…yes truly , how sickening…BLAAAAAAAHHHGHH!
What helped me most is a visual image and pics of a BIG slimy corpulent leopard slug feeding and gorging itself ..did you know a male leopard slug has a sexual organ that protrudes from the back of its head???? YES REALLY!!!!
Thanks Natalie and all , thank you , thank you ,I am healing REALLY fast . Theres gotta be a better way though than repeating the shut off message over and over till he gets bored. Will consider that one.
Leopard slug is ace! Thanks for the laugh tonight older and wiser…. Lesx
Oh, and a Leopard NEVER changes its spots!!!!!!!
Awww..I miss the forum here. But still check back to read NML’s blinding articles. haven’t commented on one for over 3 months, but this one is timely. I had been NC from ex EUM since early June. I have had no slip ups. Deleted all previous comms, telephone numbers and defriended on Facebook.
I got set up with a guy back in early July at a time I was least wanting to date. But I am glad I got bullied into it. I am having an amazing time with my b/f and it is so different to what I have experienced in previous relationships. I have learnt so much from reading NML’s books and website. I entered into dating this guy and then taking it further in a completely different way. We have frequent, open communication and we are both after the same things in life. Also, we have a huge amount of fun :).
Well, the true test of my happiness and resolve came last Sunday. I was home alone and a text came through from the exEUM “hello, i have been thinking about you and wondered how you are doing.”
IGNORED.
Tuesday – another one. “Do you have any plans for next weekend?”
Me: Hello. I have plans made for next weekend, yes.
D: No worries. have fun. Maybe some other time.
Oh, I think not.
Thanks NML and to the ladies (and Brad) here who have educated me and taught me how to take a long, hard look at myself.
Much love to you all
xxx
Hi CMG – Do you think you were able to blow off your ex loser because you have a new love? Or would you have been strong enough if you were alone? I am alone and 7 months NC. He emailed and texted a few weeks back – stupid nonsense and I texted to leave me alone. Haven’t heard anything. I just feel like if he would REALLY try – I might listen. Help……
He isn’t going to really try. Sending an email or a text isn’t realy trying, it only takes a few seconds or minutes. It’s not a lot of time out of his day. Don’t read too much into it.
A grand gesture like booking you a holiday isnt really trying either. It’s just money.
Really trying would be if he asked to see you at a place where there is no chance of sex, to tell you that he recognises what he did wrong and apologises. He would have an explanation for why he did it. It would be him telling you that he is willing to change and how. It would be him actually showing an interest in your life, in how you have been, and in your future plans.
Now, how likely is that?
Oh Grace…thanks for the note. NOT likely I assume. Painful but true. I’m just lonely that’s all I guess. My middle name is Grace by the way. Thanks again
Cat’s chance in hell?
….Pigs might fly… Not in a month of Sundays…When a tartan moon shines in the sky…When the Pope turns a protestant….When hell freezes over…When the sun rises in the west… when Lord Lucan is seen riding on the back of Shergar chasing Elvis…so, no very likely.
Hi Ramona. I am alone and 3 months NC. Got an email a couple weeks ago from the ex AC with a pic of us, captioned:
“I know you remember.” First I laughed and thought, oh I remember all right, all the crap you put me through. Obviously, he is still banking on me not seeing him for who he is. Second, I blocked his emails. Third, had an honest conversation with myself about what I would do if he made a “real” effort to make me believe in him again. He won’t, as all he could muster was crumbs (he hasn’t changed), BUT if he did, and actually meant it, I would never believe him. That ship has already sailed. His attempt to throw crumbs at me only enforces my strength. He still looks at me like I’m a fool.
“I know you remember” – that’s actually quite creepy. You are wise to give that a wide berth. Good for you!
Fearless – funny one – liners – thanks.
Jenny – I appreciate what you said and am impressed with your strength. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t believe anything he said even if it seemed valid and true. Thanks.
Jenny,
OMG! Mine sent me a photo of HIMSELF.
It was from a time when we were together — but still, what an ego.
Did he imagine I would think “Wow, you are actually great looking, and who needs self-esteem anyway!”
When I saw it I’m happy to say I actually thought “Yea, I remember you. You’re the loser who I let make me feel like s**t for months.” No reply. Delete.
And then I laughed!
Hooray for me,
and hooray for you too!
Best,
Over It
When we can laugh at them for their pathetic attempts to STILL assclown us, it shows how much we have grown. I realize that I look at him different and he has lost his power over me. Why oh why did I agonize over this man for so long????? What seemed like the end of the world to me now seems kind of silly. I go back and forth from good days to bad days over this, but am having more good ones just lately. 🙂 I still have to heal and undue all kinds of damage, but having a moment of lightheartedness over this feels like such a relief.
hi Ramona,
Gooooood question! I really don’t know. I KNOW that these odd texts are shots in the dark. I had a couple from him when I was in the early stages of dating new guy. One at the exact time of first kiss! I thought I was being followed!! I know if I was a woman the exEUM really wanted a relationship with, he would be doing a whole lot more than sending the odd ‘fishing’ text. What makes my situation easier is he lives 100 miles away so there is no chance of me running into him. You have done 7 months of NC…even with the odd wobble, I think that is fantastic. I think back to the first 7 days and what a mess I was in. Time, friendship and knowledge are all great healers. But what you said was bang on – if he wanted you, he would be doing more. Heal yourself. Be the person you want to be and you never know when love will turn up again.
Thanks CMG. I’m working on it.
Hi Ramona,
Hope you are doing well. I have been NC now for almost 5 months. After about 2 months NC my ex called and hung up on my work voicemail twice, then again around the middle of July did it again. Then at the beginning of August he actually called me at work, when I answered he hung up on me. I think he was throwing “bait” out there to see if I would respond. Playing the usual AC games. When this happened I realized he sure as heck hasn’t changed and it occurred to me that he is just plain old pathetic. A decent person would not play such games. At times like that I have to ask myself what did I ever see in this guy? Like Nat says they do stuff like that just because they can. Just to see if you are still a willing pawn in their stupid little games. Ignore them ladies, and move on to someone decent and caring. These AC’s are not worth a second thought.
TJ
What is it about defriending from Facebook that sends EUM/ACs into a panic? The two times I did it with the guy I was messing with, he was so friendly and attentive, trying to win back my approval, I guess. But as soon as I friended him back, he’d back off and become cool again.
Wow – my AC didn’t even let me know he was on FB. I found out by googling him after 9 months of flip-flap ( I was not on there until he was). I also found out he was friends with these girls he said he didn’t talk to – past one-niighters – it’s his HAREM. This FB stuff really scares me.
When he finally asked me to be his friend on FB – he never acknowledged me as his GF nor posted any pictures of us. Yet he did have one picture of him and his buddies in front of MY family cabin in his photo album named “home”. I guess he wanted to show the other girls he has a mountain home – hahaha not any more. I then defriended him and then he wanted me to connect with him at “Yahoo.com”. I told him no thanks!! Every boundry – he tried harder – this is what I have learned. With every new and better boundry I set he tried harder – you begin thinking to your self that he is changing – truth is YOUR CHANGING and it takes more for him to engage you in his “dance” – one that he can’t even master nor continue – he just doesn’t have it in him. Willing? Yes. CAPABLE? Absolutely NOT!!!!
Wow, another marvel from Natalie! I have sent Natalie’s Baggage Reclaim web site address to so many women on so many of the online groups that I belong to, that I feel like a one-woman advertising agency. 🙂 However, seriously, now, what Natalie says is SO WELL analyzed and she sees things so clearly, that we really do need to stop and listen to what she is telling us.
In particular, I like this that she said above: “They’re going to do what they do anyway and regardless. Eventually they will move on to a new target but they will keep taking a chance while they think for their own conceited and deluded reasons that there is a chance.”
This happened to me as well with the same guy of 2 years ago that I mentioned in a post a few minutes ago in a different article of Natalie’s. I had to break up with him when I discovered that he was online talking to another woman (a friend of mine who acted as a decoy) telling her that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to be in a committed relationship, although he was trying to be (that was with me, or perhaps he had more than just me thinking that he was in a committed relationship with her!). He then immediately jumped at the chance that she offered to have strictly a fun sexual relationship and he was ready to go meet her on a Saturday morning, which was supposed to have been our first long weekend together, the Thanksgiving holiday. My birthday was coming up just a few days after that, and then Christmas and New Year’s, so essentially, the SOB ruined my Thanksgiving, my birthday, my Christmas, my New Year’s and on top of that, he ruined Valentine’s Day because it was in February and I didn’t have the heart, the emotional wherewithal or the time necessary to meet someone to spend Valentine’s Day with.
Then he had the balls to call me 5 months after that to tell me that he missed me and that he wanted to try again. Then the next day after that, he emails me again and says that he apologizes but that he was retracting the previous day’s message because he had written it under the influence of alcohol.
I think he was just playing a very vicious head game with me to try to hurt me amd get back at me because I left the SOB salivating over the blonde in the bathing suit that he thought he was going to shag (he couldn’t have sex anyway, as he was completely impotent, even with the aid of the “magic pills”), but it was my girlfriend playing a role as a decoy.
These types of men are just disgusting, self-centered and downright evil. I have no other words with which to describe their behavior and what they do to women. I hope there are women out there who will teach them a lesson they’ll never forget.
Right on time as always, Natalie. I find the last couple articles you’ve written have been ON POINT. They resonate with me so much it’s unbelievable, especially the one about painting yourself into a corner, that’s me to a ‘T’. To read these stories from all these women is at once depressing, enlightening and empowering because sharing the stories shows us that we’re not crazy and our reactions and choice of no contact is not unfounded. THEY (assclowns) live among us.
This article is a masterpiece. I think sooner than later you’ll need bodyguards, because the GAA! (Global Assclown Association!) is going to realize that the worldwide fallback girl inventory is dwindling 😛 Peace and blessings to you Natalie and to all you ladies. I’m glad you’re here, you’ve helped me finally rid myself of emotionally destructive relationship that I held onto. I pray you all experience true happiness, solo and in coupledom!
Here I am feeling kind of stupid. It’s been 3 weeks today of nc…and I am sitting here like wow…he is not even trying to contact me. Why do I care? Why the freak do I care? Arrggh!
Angel Face –
Trust me , I understand how you feel. Believe it or not it’s better when they don’t contact you. If they do, it gets you all messed up inside and you may backtrack. Sometimes it helps me to imagine what I would say if he did contact me because…..I have nothing to say that would make me feel any better. I am pretty sure he doesn’t either. Although I don’t know your story, this has helped me……along with this site.
Thanks Ramona;
You’re right. I really do want to just move on…I LONG for the day when I wake up in the morning and there is no sadness in my heart, no missing him, no longing….just pure contentment with my life.
@Angelface
I get what you’re saying. This is the story of my life (with the EUM); I think it’s because we put all the effort into keeping a relationship (of a fashion) going and so also we have to put all the effort into making it stop. Doesn’t seem fair!
It’s because we have to try really, really hard not to contact them (we need to study the NC handbook and muster every ounce of strength to carry it through) but they don’t need to try at all; no contact is no problem for them. They are easy come, easy go. That’s the problem. We are easy come, not so easy go!
I know how exactly you feel. I find it a bit odd that other folk on the site have a problem with him ‘not going away’!! I have never had that problem. And it has frustrated the hell out of me. I have never had to fight with him to achieve NC!! And the seeming ease with which he will not contact me at all eventually drives me half insane, and so I end up contacting him… maybe I am not leaving it long enough to find out (not that that’s the point, I know!). I know though, that he is reluctant to give me up as an ‘option’ as he would make little gestures of maintaining me, like a wee book he thinks I might like sent through the post – but always such arms length gestures; just to let me know how much he cares!! (i.e. not v much!)
If I am honest with myself, I know the relationship would not have lasted past his first blowing cold/disapearing act if I had let it be at at that. But I was like a dog with a bone (and not sure I have buried the bone even yet!). And it would have ended a hundred times since that first time if I’d just let it go.
Oddly, it is the believing that if I let it go I would never hear from him again that keeps me always being the first to contact him – not the other way round.
So I think the vibes I am giving off is more that he doesn’t need to contact me; I will contact him, eventually! But I do think half of the frustration with going NC is that you are trying so hard not to contact and you are not even getting the satisfaction of rebutting their calls, so you feel as if all your hard work is not paying off. I suppose the thing to remember is why you are doing it – to STOP all contact and move on, so intellectually, you know that him not contacting is supposed to be a good thing, but emotionally it’s still hurtful that they don’t think you are worth chasing.
But I say, bide your time for as long as you possibly can. And try to remember that no contact is the objective; that it is a good thing!
My dad (now sadly gone) used to pat my knee whenever I had a problem and say – ‘dinna fash yirsel lassie, things’ll maun by somehow’
Don’t worry yourself girl, things’ll mend by somehow.
Thanks Fearless
I did write down a list of reasons why I decided on NC…They all have to do with me and my feelings towards him. I want someone who no longer wants to be with me. NC is for me to get over it and move on. Funny thing is, he doesnt even know this is what I’m doing because he has not attempted to contact me, lol. *sigh* But I’m having a down day. I’ll be better tomorrow. I know I will.
@Fearless & @Angelface. I know exactly how you both feel. I was 4 weeks NC yesterday. Last time we broke up, i dumped him and there was lots of contact from both sides. This time he got back with me so that he could have the satisfaction of dumping me and neither of us has contacted the other since. I was feeling down about it until yesterday, because you want some kind of ‘proof’ that they want you, some validation, some reward for your effort, the chance to reject their contact – but they don’t want us! They didn’t want us even when they had us! I did a lot of thinking and i realised that they have never made a choice about this whole thing. They are what they are, they’re stunted, they couldn’t give to a woman even if they wanted to, in that sense they haven’t really rejected us, they haven’t chosen not to ‘bestow their commitment’ on us – it’s not theirs to bestow in the first place! It’s like wondering why a really unfit, couch potato won’t come jogging with you – it’s not because they decided they’d rather not, it’s because they literally can’t. We, on the other hand, can feel, can love, can devote ourselves, but by doing NC we have CHOSEN not to. We have decided we want better for ourselves and that we want to change (which is more than can be said for them).
It’s all about taking care of ourselves now, as NML always says. I strongly suspect that my ex EUM is going to be out tomorrow night at a frequent hang out (we have mutual friends), but i have decided to stay in and watch a dvd by myself, even though my flatmates are both hitting the town (and almost definitely ending up in the same place as him). I am treating myself with care, like NML always says, and keeping myself out of harm’s way. When you make contact with them it does mess with your head and set you back. Much as i would like to tell him what i think of him and get some answers, i’ve decided to protect myself and have a chilled evening in with some popcorn :).
Best of luck to you both – you don’t need them!
Very right, they don’t want us; and continuous contact fools one into thinking the contrary. As Natalie says, the contact isn’t to show care, it’s to see if the closed door is well sealed, that’s all. Yeah, you’re tempted to validate yourself by whether or not you’re contacted but contact is actually a bad sign lol. It means they think there’s a chance in hell. When they stop contacting you, you know they’ve learned to well and truly piss off!
Fearless – I hear exactly what you are saying. I was so sure my AC would chase me when I went NC. I figured he wouldn’t last a week. Well, its been three months and it seems he has little problem We work together every day and other than trying to have two conversations about work in which I shut him down, there has been nothing. No emails, no texts, not a syllable of non-work-related contact (and very very little of that). While intellectually I am glad and I know he is an absolute assclown, there is some part of me that was insulted or disappointed. Why is he not making more of an effort? Did I really mean that little to him? When we ended, he gave me the whole song and dance about staying friends forever and how he would never allow us to come apart. That didn’t last long. That he isn’t fighting for the friendship hurts most. I get what Natalie is saying and I realize I have always expected too much from my AC – expected him to care, to invest, to feel. I know that its a waste of time. It’s just hard to have actual proof that he doesn’t think I’m worth it. Sigh. Validation seeking, I know, but can anyone really be so soulless?
Fearless and Sule – Right with you, in that I had the same thoughts after going NC. But I have come to realize that if I trust myself, my instincts and my feelings, I know he is not a good guy and that I am not missing anything. While we all want the validation and thrill that comes with having them chase us a little, I am actually now grateful he isn’t. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn’t really like him – I just liked the way he made me feel when he adored me, chased me, picked me out of all the girls that were after him. Truth be told, he is a childish jerk, but I loved the attention. When he got bored and began to blow cold, I freaked, again not because I really liked him (although I thought I did) but because I liked the attention. When I started NC, I was certain he would turn up but he didn’t. He had lost interest (the man has the attention span of gravel) and I was no longer an easy ego stroke, so he moved on to the next girl who would adore him unconditionally, accept his nonsense and expect nothing in return. I, meanwhile, have begun working on me, regained my self-esteem and self-respect and see him as the ridiculous man-child he really is. Yes, I would have loved the additional ego stroke of him texting and phoning every day, pining for me, but that wouldn’t have been any more real than the attention and “love” he gave me while I was flavour of the month. If we focus on ourselves and learn to give ourselves what we need and learn to trust ourselves, these morons don’t stand a chance.
He was not a good one that got away. He was a waste of time I am well rid of.
@ A. It was funny how you said he couldn’t have sex anyway even with the magic pills. Sounds like my ass clown ex who is 40 to be exact. He was having trouble keeping it up when were dating and I am 34. He was 39 and having a hard time a year ago. Bless him. I guess that’s why he called me two weeks ago. He had apparently sexed all of his shags and tired of them so he comes back to young me. He’s 5 months too late. On to 6 months Sept 29 straight NC for me. Thank God for 20/20 vision!! I once was lost but now I see!! Stay NC. Good luck.
The ego is one of the most confounding things in all of this. I mentioned in a comment this week that I was told that AC has moved cities and started a dream job, for which he got me to edit his application only days before the old surprise email dumperooni. He had told me at the time we would be moving to this city together. Hearing this STUNG like a bucket of detergent on a seeping gash. I couldn’t help feel pretty low, and then resentful that I have to rebuild my paths of thinking and self-esteem, while he is apparently living it up (and I know these are only parts of a person’s life – but a job and fancy city are pretty constitutive of identity!). I would drown in a shame-pool (and reach out to say thank you) if I was offered a job which I used a partner to help me get, whereas he would have felt entitled and minimized my contribution anyway.
By insisting on NC, the vibe I am giving off to him is that I don’t approve of him. I think he handled the last weeks and the break-up terribly, cruelly in fact, and I need to get on with things – which is pretty much what I said, in a very matter of fact way. This seems intellectually sensible, and even, in a spiritual sense, the most wise – because letting go is the only way we can ever receive. BUT, my goodness, I would like to have a way of taking my ego out of it (and hurt heart – it’s not all ego!).
I know that I am not seeing things healthily or wisely, but it’s my yappy ego which either makes up the most horrific version of his rejection of me – which was more than systematic, but I make it even more comprehensive in my mind – OR it skirts around the loss, as if a quivering little animal, unable to cope, hoping for a way out of facing it. I spend so much energy – STILL – trying to manage that ego of mine. It sucks…And, yes, I wince outwardly (and scramble inwardly) at careless remarks friends make, like ‘You must feel bad about helping him get a job where he’ll find his future spouse’ or ‘You know he will be treated like a God by women in that [U.S.] city [given his academic background, charm and looks etc].’ OUCH.
This guy WON’T be contacting me, that’s for sure, and that does hurt a bit. In some ways, I know he’d be relieved that I asked for NC because he can then make me the bad person and reinstate himself in his favoured role: victim. Plus, I remember him telling me (in a kind of threatening way) that he was ‘very good at detaching.’ I have to keep reminding myself that NC is for me, and my healing and future.
Anyway (sigh), it’s all the same loops. It’s the same little train taking me around the same sights. I need to be more creative with this whole thing.
I understand the ego bit, I find that I had to ‘flip the script’ on myself, so to speak. Instead of focusing on the fact that he’s not calling, that I’ve been left, etc. build yourself up (i.e. do what HE does!) and realize that he isn’t worthy, the fancy city can have him, as can the fallback chics of said city – you and your ego deserve to be stroked, but not by the likes of him. Remember that you are worthy of goodness and decency and he doesn’t fit the bill. And for all those making those comments to you (are they REALLY friends, damn!), just smile on the inside. It’s like that Kelly Rowland song, ‘Rose Colored Glasses’ – they don’t know what you know and losing him is actually a gain.
Elle –
My heart breaks reading your story. I know exactly how you feel. You trust, you invest, you think you are building something together and then are subjected to the most inhumane, heartless treatment. The opposite of love isn’t hate, its indifference and it is killing to come face to face with it in someone who used to care (or seemed like he did). I know its hard. You blame yourself. He saunters off, guilt free, while you are left behind to pick up the pieces. Its devastating. The only thing to cling to is that if he could do this, he isn’t a good man, he isn’t worth your time and whatever investment you had made was never going to pay off.
The most we can do is give our hearts honestly. If the people we chose to give them to mistreat them, it doesn’t make us bad or shameful, it just means we need to find a different selection criteria. I hope you heal, recover and come back stronger and better than ever. There is simply no question you deserved better than you got. I know your friends likely don’t mean harm when they say things like that – sometimes others don’t know what to say in the face of heartache. He wasn’t worthy of you. He just saw it before you did.
Natalie – a great post, but reading this and the next one about “is he a great guy that got away”, I have to wonder – if he isn’t contacting, isn’t chasing, isn’t sniffing around, could that mean he’s a good guy? I struggle still (almost 3 months NC) with whether I was too harsh with him or am just expecting too much. We work together, were friends briefly and then one day he shows up and just starts acting like a boyfriend. Very physical but oddly enough no kissing on the lips (although almost everywhere else). We never had sex but we did sleep together. We were “together” about three months and he kept inviting me to where he was spending the summer working. After he asked about 50 times, I agreed. He left about a month before i was to come join him. I got a “goodbye Grandma” hug as he was leaving and a “I’ll be checking email most days”. Nothing else. But, then the emails, texts and phone calls kept coming, he kept calling me “baby” and I kept wanting to believe everything was ok. The night before I was supposed to fly to meet him, I finally asked what we were. He said we were friends and if he had done anything to confuse me, he was sorry. I was devastated and said I wouldn;t go on the trip. He texted back to come, we would talk and sort it out. On the ride in from the airport, he said he had changed his mind weeks before, didn’t want to pursue the relationship, had not told me but hoped we could stay friends and continue to hang out. I was sick, and felt foolish and stupid. He kept acting like I was a bit crazy and he didn’t get what I was upset about. I ended up leaving early and after a few emails in which he professed his unwavering friendship, I went NC. After 2 months he returned to work and we have not spoken a word to each other. No apologies, no conversation, no attempt to reconnect in anyway. I feel stupid and foolish and can’t figure out if it was all in my head or whether I have been had by an assclown. I have read Natalies other posts on delusions and being in relationships that don’t exist and I am not sure whether this was really happening in my head (then why all the physical contact and promises? Dates and acting and talking like a boyfriend? Because he had walked in saying he was a commitment phobe, I had always let him contact me, so as not to seem needy). Is he a good guy I have misinterpretted or a player who changed his mind and doesn’t want to be held accountable? I always felt the no kissing, no sex thing was significant, although he always had excuses and stories about what it all meant to him and how he always went slow with past girlfriends. I cannot figure it all out and its tough to know what to work on and heal when I literally don’t understand what happened. Should I interpret the complete lack of contact now as anything other than a lack of interest in his part? Was this all in my head?
Eyes
It’s not all in your head. He is a classic EUM, read some of Natalie’s posts for more insight.
They basically raise your hopes and then backtrack while still trying to keep you in their lives. This then begs the question WHY DO THEY DO IT. But we don’t need to know why, we just need to know how to extricate ourselves and how to avoid it in future.
Oh dear Eyeswideopen,
I believe many of us have felt what you are feeling.
You think you are going completely out of your head.
You wonder if you made it all up.
How could you have misunderstood??
No worries (about your sanity, that is!)
It happened.
As Grace said — Classic EUM; and I would say AC as well.
The no sex is just a twist on the same old story.
And I don’t think it’s much of a departure if you think about it.
These guys love control.
They love to play games.
And they still want to think of themselves as “good guys.”
The withholding sex allows him to do all three.
(And don’t forget that he could have been having sex with ten other women, while you were thoughtfully waiting for him to feel ready to be with you.)
I don’t have a history of EUMs or ACs, so after mine put me through the wringer, I honestly thought I had lost my mind.
When he came back around for a second chance, however, and started the hot and cold etc., again, I was like “Wait a minute, I was never crazy. There was no misinterpretation. You’re just a manipulative Jackass.” The end.
Hang in there.
You’re fine.
Watch Gaslight with Ingird Bergman and Charles Boyer.
It’s a great film, and you’ll get a vicarious thrill at the ending.
Best,
Over It
I remember on my 27th birthday I met an unavailable man. At that time in my life I was trying to improve myself and take responsibility for my life. Long story short thanks to Natalies blog I was able to recognize my part and didn’t intend on “staying friends”… after I broke it off with him, he low and behold was trying to contact me and trying to guilt me into why I don’t want to be friends! (when you damn well know we were never friends in the first place!) I concentrated on my life, joined the National Guard and a year later calls me on my 28th birthday like it was just freaken yesterday, not recognizing the number I picked up… “Hello, who is this? He tells me it’s him, I go “I’m sure you were just wishing me a happy birthday but I do not want to talk to you!” and hung up, then he sent me a text stating how mean I was and I never responded! Now he never contacted me for my 29th birthday that just passed in August!! I’ve learned so much and realized that these are just ways to build yourself up and eventually attract someone healthy that is in reflection to you.
I just love the friend card – mine would try this on occassion and when he realized I wouldn’t be friends, he would blow hot and pull me in again. My favorite one was in April when I said to him “Why is it so important for you and I to be freinds?” He said “Don’t you want to surround yourself with good people?” I told him “I already do – people who don’t lie to me or cheat on me!” What could he say – he really believes he is a good guy – that is the ONLY reason they want to be friends – so they don’t have to feel guilty and say – “I must not be that bad – she’s still my friend (BIG EGO)”
Nice one Aimee!
I would do well to remember this. I always end up being ‘friends’ with mine – and it seems to suit him just fine, which really annoys me.
I am NC for 3 months from an AC I was with for four years. It was the most destructive four years of my life. Even though he was ruining me, the breakup left me in pieces. Slowly, I have been working through it and putting the pieces back together. I decided that it was time to come out of my cocoon and start living my life again and become more social. Recently, a guy a dated briefly (before the AC) has been sending texts motioning like he wanted to get together and catch up. I thought, harmless, he seemed nice enough even though things didn’t work out. I don’t have any romantic ideas about this guy anymore, it might be nice to be friends, right? After 3 months of HIM texting me (he initiated it), saying lets get together but then HIM never being available when I respond, he finally did come over for an hour saying he was just swinging by. Okay. So, then he says, I’ll have you over next week for a glass of wine and to show you my new place. Okay. About 6 days later he TEXTS again and says, super busy at work (he’s a carpenter, swinging his hammer in the moonlight I guess), maybe we can get together next week (stalling). None of this is really horrible on his part but he is showing telltale signs of an EUM and we aren’t even dating. Contacting me to get together, then avoiding me, pretty consistantly for 3 months. What the heck? Always texting me instead of calling. Makes me realize, looking back at when I dated him, he was an EUM. Still is. Instead of feeling bad and wondering what I did to scare him off I realize it’s him, not me. The old me would of started the hoop jumping routine to get his attention, the new me is completely turned off. He looks immature to me now. Natalie’s wisdom is starting to sink in, thank God. Although this guy isn’t behaving like a full on AC (yet), he is acting like an EUM. The red flags are already popping up. Will I recognize a good guy when I meet him? I hope, but recognizing the EUM’s is a good start. I’m not mad at him but am not willing to engage in his flip flopping, save myself the trouble.
I want to say to all of you, as many of us are, or have been in very similar boats, keep taking care of yourself, keep working through it, because eventually it does start to get better, your heart mends and the empowerment you feel when you use your new wisdom is breath of fresh air.
Hi all
I stumbled across this website a couple of weeks ago & ever since have been reading all your comments and find myself agreeing with everything you all have to say about EUM’s 100%!!!!! To give you a brief background of me, I was with ‘the love of my life’ for 3 years before my woman’s intuition got the better of me and after a bit of snooping, found out he’d been cheating on me the whole time. There was no word to describe the sheer desperation of my tears that I shed when I cried myself to sleep for the next 12 months. Seriously, do they have a CONSCIENCE??? He would look me in the eye and promised me that he loved me and wasn’t cheating on me. But I now know that talk is cheap. So after visiting my doctor, counsellor and a shrink to help heal my wounded heart & mentally exhausted mind, I moved towns and have started uni. I’m back on track to realising it wasn’t my fault and that I didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Eventually I would love to be married but for the time being I’m learning more about myself each and every day and am enjoying the solo journey!!!! Peace to you all from Down Under 🙂
@eyeswideopen
The kissing and witholding sex is him playing Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. That’s redflag #1 and it doesn’t mean that he’s screwing just women. He could be screwing men. Read up on narcissist and their characteristics. Witholding sex; no kissing;(but it never started out like that in the beginning of the relationship). Assclowns like these you want to keep away from. My ex used the withholding sex on me and it really tore me self esteem into pieces long after I cut him out of my life. His narcissicist ways really came out when he asked me if I was interested in swinging. Are you serious?? That was my cue that it was time to exit quickly and never look back and I didn’t.
Red earth chick, I feel your pain. My situation was very much the same. Three and half years, I loved him and I thought he loved me. Like you, my gut was telling me things were off–and they were. I snooped also. I found things I wished I hadn’t, but glad I did. It was painful, hurtful, and yes devastating. I confronted him with the evidence (and there was lots of it and different women over the years), naturally he denied it. He lied and lied and lied some more. It’s difficult to pick up the pieces and move on. I know for myself I wonder why I wasn’t good enough. I know I am, it is just he is defective. In his years of being single after his divorce, he has never lived with anyone, come close to marrying anyone and his dating record is one after another, of course it was always the women who he dated that were the problem, not HIM! The sad thing is, eventually they are going to keep repeating the cycle with the next one and the next one…..its up to us to find that person (one day) that will appreciate our core values and they will have the same and return the love we give. Hugs to you!
Just what I needed to read I keep worrying about him making contact with me and am finally starting to understand the only way he can get back in is if I let him unfortunately the last time I did no contact with this guy I left the door open a crack with his can I call you in the future and see how you are I said yes and he did and the door opened wider till we were back to the beginning with the reset button pushed and him bringing things back to the status quo.
I have to go a year of no contact for this door to remain shut.
This is so true! I’ve experienced a situation where a guy I dated for a short bit last year suddenly decided to call and email me constantly after 6 months no contact!! I initially ignored him, but finally I texted him and told him I wasn’t interested. He ended up taking that crumb of contact as a gold nugget and began blowing up my phone with calls. I warned him i would take legal action but he still called and when i ended up answering , he tried to talk to me like he had no clue what’s up and act like he wanted to make small talk and get together. Bottom line: I called the police on him. Some people really are so self absorbed and only care about themselves. People need to respect your boundaries.