In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about how so many of us have got into a cycle of feeling bad about ourselves. Guilt has become the currency of our relationships, and it’s bankrupting our self-esteem to keep doing everything from a place of feeling guilty.
Feeling guilty all the time is a habit. It then becomes our default label even when we don’t actually feel guilty or have a reason for doing so.
Boundaries are not just about saying no, telling people off and letting people know when we have a problem! They’re for us. They let us and other people know what is and isn’t permissible. They help us communicate who we are and to choose the people and things that align with our needs and desires.
We can’t feel guilty all the time and also have healthy boundaries at the same time. Why? Because near-constantly feeling guilty is a co-dependent mentality.
When we consistently do things from a place of guilt, it means that we use feeling bad to drive our life. How can we expect to know what we need or want when everything that we do is as a result of activating our conscience and feeling shame and guilt?
A lot of the things that we say we’re obliged to do and the rules we follow aren’t real rules or obligations.
Having a parent that treats us like an extension of them breeds guilt into us. By being enmeshed with a parent who doesn’t let us have our own identity, we learn to feel bad about anything that indicates our separateness. Saying no, growing up, having our own life, is seen as threatening.
Any role that we play within our relationships facilitates the roles that others have. When we feel guilty, it’s often because we think that we’re letting the other person down in some way because we’re going to stop them from being able to continue their role in that moment.
People-pleasing and playing roles are all about showing other people how to behave. We’re dropping hints about what we want them to be and do.
Feeling guilty all the time, especially around boundaries, having needs and self-care is emotional blackmail of the self.
If everything has to be about us feeling bad, we’re saying that we’re never allowed to feel good.
We will, of course, feel guilty on occasion about certain things with loved ones. This is more than OK. We don’t, however, need to use guilt as our way to love people.
Guilt is an easy emotion to reach for. We need to be more honest about where we’re avoiding vulnerability and feeling our feelings.
A lot of people who feel perpetually guilty are avoiding their potential, purpose or taking the next step or moving on to the next stage of my life. They’re avoiding getting back out there or getting hurt.
It’s not our job to go around cotton-woolling everybody and managing their discomfort. We’ve got to stop preventing people from feeling.
Breaking our cycle of feeling perpetually guilty means recognising the difference between desire and obligation. If we can’t turn an obligation into a desire, we need to be honest with the person, revise our motivations, or say no.
Doing things from a place of guilt always leads to resentment. And resentment is a sign that we did something for the wrong reasons. It means that our guilt was unwarranted or that maybe we weren’t feeling so guilty after all.
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I was born Catholic, so guilt came with the turf. I grew up and decided Catholicism was not for me. But codependency was for me, and it came equipped with plenty of guilt. I was attracted to Narcissists and users for a long time, and they took me on several trips–guilt trips, that is, and a guilty-feeling codependent just delights people like them.
Narcissists are my least favorite humans. They are like honey badgers.
I digress.
I can no longer afford the luxury of guilt.
Over the last three and a half years, we Americans have had the added stress of a narcissist with daddy issues turning America from a shining city on a hill to a flatland swap meet/ garage sale/odd n’ ends mart, where shoppers and shop keepers are armed.
If you dare go in, you can buy a new tire, a puppy, fresh fruit, a prom dress, a 10-pound drum of potato chips and a casket, all under one roof. It’s starting to feel like it is imminent. We never know what is open for business, or what their their hours are. The 24/7 Walmart now closes at 8:30.
Between the mysterious armed guards with unmarked paddy wagons hassling regular folks in liberal cities, cops going crazy on black people, and the fact that America has the most COVID-19 cases in the world…well, we are screwed.
The pandemic is literally being ignored by the Orange Menace, and for him to consult with world renowned epidemiologists like Dr. Anthony Fauci, would be as much as him admitting he is stupid and had to ask for help. To think we have to tolerate his Daddy issues when he’s 74, and his daddy has been dead for years.
I am too damn old and therapy-filled to have to witness a narcissist ride herd on an entire political party, then discard the rule of law and—sorry, I could go on for a week and not even get to the misdemeanors.
The angst is palpable.
This is a time to kick butt and take names–and we’ve nothing to feel guilty about in these war-like conditions.
Besides, I think guilt is a useless emotion.
As a quick aside–did you ever notice that the people in your life who trample your boundaries the most are the one who bitch the most about you firmer boundaries?
NATALIE
on 29/07/2020 at 5:23 pm
Wow, Karen. I really felt everything you said in this comment which echoes much of what I’ve felt and thought over the last few years as I’ve watched the rage of unresolved emotional baggage play out in such a drastic way. And it is *always* the people who want to trample your boundaries the most that will kick off. Boundaried people don’t do that because even if they feel a bit or a lot uncomfortable, they grasp the necessity of boundaries and the importance of respecting their own and those of others. And although I’m not Catholic, thanks to my Irish upbringing, including going to an all-girls Catholic convent school and then mixed in with the Jamaican, Chinese and English background, guilt was bred into me!
LauraG
on 25/07/2020 at 10:30 pm
Karen
It is a relief to read your words because I share your distress over the Narcissistic damage our country is going through. My greatest hope is that the many Narc skills I and my fellow recovering-codependents have learned will help our culture on the other side of Cheeto’s rule.
On a less global note this podcast helped me to see several things. First is that I, too, use guilt to try and train others to respond to guilt, just like my mother taught me to. And, also, that I have greatly turned down the over-active guilt gland I was raised to have.
Recently, a male friend went over the line and began to be sexual in his talk and compliments. Also being grabby and wanting hugs all the time. Bleeech! When I said I wanted some space he pulled the guilt trip that I was his only friend. Probably true. But as i listened to Nat’s podcast I realized pity is not a good reason for friendship and that I need not feel guilty for not getting much out of the friendship except a sort of guilty sense of “doing the right thing.” For who? Certainly not for me. For an idea I have of a me I believe I should be but not the actual me who would rather be alone than pawed over by a supposed friend. I am not comfortable but I am learning to turn down the guilt one encounter at a time.
Such a well-done podcast. I will listen again. I especially loved the part where you said boundaries aren’t just about saying no. Which is why they are so hard! They are everywhere and in all relationships even our societal ones.
NATALIE
on 29/07/2020 at 5:29 pm
So feel you on this. I was in that very situation a long time ago, and it soured a friendship I’d truly valued. And while the violation bugged me, I think what saddened me is how much guilt I wrestled with over shutting him down. Like I was doing a ‘bad’ thing. Pity works well for donations or just realising that we feel bad for someone’s situation, but it’s *never* a good reason to bust our boundaries or someone else’s. Thanks so much for sharing!
Amelia
on 08/08/2020 at 7:33 pm
You know, based on the title I didn’t think this podcast would apply to me, but it does!
Listening to it, I realize I’ve been in relationships and felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to end it. I know that this sounds crazy, especially as I say it out loud, but….I knew how I felt and what I wanted, but absolutely unable to say it. How would I even get those words out? It seems so impossible.
And in the relationship context, my parents definitely passed on the sense that breaking up with somene makes you a bad person. So even at 20, I was holding on this – which would mean that I would have no choice but to keep dating anyone that I basically ever went on a date with (if that’s what he wanted) even if I didn’t feel the same? Again, this is crazy. No wonder I avoided dating!
There was one guy who cheated on me, tried dating this other woman for a while, and then just acted like we were back together as normal once things didn’t work out with her. And I knew how messed up that was, but didn’t say anything (this last bit seemed to happen a lot – recognizing bad behaviour but remaining paralyzed and doing nothing about it).
If someone else is pushing for something or angry if we disagree ….well, I guess I have no choice but to go along with what they want.
Guessing at causes here, but potentially: an angry, erratic parent who never took responsibility for anything (so just walk on eggshells and keep your head down when you’re being screamed at for no good reason), and another passive parent, who often says things like “you don’t want to do THAT, do you?” (translation: she doesn’t like that and I’m being told not to do it or she will disapprove).
NATALIE
on 18/08/2020 at 10:54 am
Hi Amelia, you are not alone. Society, including what might be our parents and caregivers, has imparted the message that breaking up with someone is ‘wrong’ unless they’re a ‘bad’ person but also that relationships are scarce and so we should hold on at all costs. I think that something else at play here is feeling worthy of saying no. You grew up walking on eggshells in a chaotic environment where you normalised someone’s shifting moods and lack of responsibility along with second-guessing yourself. So choices never felt like an option for you because you were continually robbed of yours. In turn, you replicated aspects of your parents’ dynamic and didn’t realise where you were being passive to please both of your parents. Recognisng that what you experienced isn’t the template for loving relationships and that you’re not being disloyal to either of your parents by breaking their cycle in your life is pivotal. Be compassionate with you because the reason why you freeze is that you grew up in an environment that continuously pushed on your fight-flight-freeze response. The people responsibility for your safety were sometimes unsafe, so you’ve learned to go towards or ‘stick’ when you need to fold around danger.
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I was born Catholic, so guilt came with the turf. I grew up and decided Catholicism was not for me. But codependency was for me, and it came equipped with plenty of guilt. I was attracted to Narcissists and users for a long time, and they took me on several trips–guilt trips, that is, and a guilty-feeling codependent just delights people like them.
Narcissists are my least favorite humans. They are like honey badgers.
I digress.
I can no longer afford the luxury of guilt.
Over the last three and a half years, we Americans have had the added stress of a narcissist with daddy issues turning America from a shining city on a hill to a flatland swap meet/ garage sale/odd n’ ends mart, where shoppers and shop keepers are armed.
If you dare go in, you can buy a new tire, a puppy, fresh fruit, a prom dress, a 10-pound drum of potato chips and a casket, all under one roof. It’s starting to feel like it is imminent. We never know what is open for business, or what their their hours are. The 24/7 Walmart now closes at 8:30.
Between the mysterious armed guards with unmarked paddy wagons hassling regular folks in liberal cities, cops going crazy on black people, and the fact that America has the most COVID-19 cases in the world…well, we are screwed.
The pandemic is literally being ignored by the Orange Menace, and for him to consult with world renowned epidemiologists like Dr. Anthony Fauci, would be as much as him admitting he is stupid and had to ask for help. To think we have to tolerate his Daddy issues when he’s 74, and his daddy has been dead for years.
I am too damn old and therapy-filled to have to witness a narcissist ride herd on an entire political party, then discard the rule of law and—sorry, I could go on for a week and not even get to the misdemeanors.
The angst is palpable.
This is a time to kick butt and take names–and we’ve nothing to feel guilty about in these war-like conditions.
Besides, I think guilt is a useless emotion.
As a quick aside–did you ever notice that the people in your life who trample your boundaries the most are the one who bitch the most about you firmer boundaries?
Wow, Karen. I really felt everything you said in this comment which echoes much of what I’ve felt and thought over the last few years as I’ve watched the rage of unresolved emotional baggage play out in such a drastic way. And it is *always* the people who want to trample your boundaries the most that will kick off. Boundaried people don’t do that because even if they feel a bit or a lot uncomfortable, they grasp the necessity of boundaries and the importance of respecting their own and those of others. And although I’m not Catholic, thanks to my Irish upbringing, including going to an all-girls Catholic convent school and then mixed in with the Jamaican, Chinese and English background, guilt was bred into me!
Karen
It is a relief to read your words because I share your distress over the Narcissistic damage our country is going through. My greatest hope is that the many Narc skills I and my fellow recovering-codependents have learned will help our culture on the other side of Cheeto’s rule.
On a less global note this podcast helped me to see several things. First is that I, too, use guilt to try and train others to respond to guilt, just like my mother taught me to. And, also, that I have greatly turned down the over-active guilt gland I was raised to have.
Recently, a male friend went over the line and began to be sexual in his talk and compliments. Also being grabby and wanting hugs all the time. Bleeech! When I said I wanted some space he pulled the guilt trip that I was his only friend. Probably true. But as i listened to Nat’s podcast I realized pity is not a good reason for friendship and that I need not feel guilty for not getting much out of the friendship except a sort of guilty sense of “doing the right thing.” For who? Certainly not for me. For an idea I have of a me I believe I should be but not the actual me who would rather be alone than pawed over by a supposed friend. I am not comfortable but I am learning to turn down the guilt one encounter at a time.
Such a well-done podcast. I will listen again. I especially loved the part where you said boundaries aren’t just about saying no. Which is why they are so hard! They are everywhere and in all relationships even our societal ones.
So feel you on this. I was in that very situation a long time ago, and it soured a friendship I’d truly valued. And while the violation bugged me, I think what saddened me is how much guilt I wrestled with over shutting him down. Like I was doing a ‘bad’ thing. Pity works well for donations or just realising that we feel bad for someone’s situation, but it’s *never* a good reason to bust our boundaries or someone else’s. Thanks so much for sharing!
You know, based on the title I didn’t think this podcast would apply to me, but it does!
Listening to it, I realize I’ve been in relationships and felt like I wasn’t “allowed” to end it. I know that this sounds crazy, especially as I say it out loud, but….I knew how I felt and what I wanted, but absolutely unable to say it. How would I even get those words out? It seems so impossible.
And in the relationship context, my parents definitely passed on the sense that breaking up with somene makes you a bad person. So even at 20, I was holding on this – which would mean that I would have no choice but to keep dating anyone that I basically ever went on a date with (if that’s what he wanted) even if I didn’t feel the same? Again, this is crazy. No wonder I avoided dating!
There was one guy who cheated on me, tried dating this other woman for a while, and then just acted like we were back together as normal once things didn’t work out with her. And I knew how messed up that was, but didn’t say anything (this last bit seemed to happen a lot – recognizing bad behaviour but remaining paralyzed and doing nothing about it).
If someone else is pushing for something or angry if we disagree ….well, I guess I have no choice but to go along with what they want.
Guessing at causes here, but potentially: an angry, erratic parent who never took responsibility for anything (so just walk on eggshells and keep your head down when you’re being screamed at for no good reason), and another passive parent, who often says things like “you don’t want to do THAT, do you?” (translation: she doesn’t like that and I’m being told not to do it or she will disapprove).
Hi Amelia, you are not alone. Society, including what might be our parents and caregivers, has imparted the message that breaking up with someone is ‘wrong’ unless they’re a ‘bad’ person but also that relationships are scarce and so we should hold on at all costs. I think that something else at play here is feeling worthy of saying no. You grew up walking on eggshells in a chaotic environment where you normalised someone’s shifting moods and lack of responsibility along with second-guessing yourself. So choices never felt like an option for you because you were continually robbed of yours. In turn, you replicated aspects of your parents’ dynamic and didn’t realise where you were being passive to please both of your parents. Recognisng that what you experienced isn’t the template for loving relationships and that you’re not being disloyal to either of your parents by breaking their cycle in your life is pivotal. Be compassionate with you because the reason why you freeze is that you grew up in an environment that continuously pushed on your fight-flight-freeze response. The people responsibility for your safety were sometimes unsafe, so you’ve learned to go towards or ‘stick’ when you need to fold around danger.