What motivated me to rein in my pleaser was that I recognised that I was doing good things for the wrong reasons. Yes, I was trying to please but I had a hidden agenda of ‘I’ll do this for you and you’ll give me what I want or spare me from unpleasant outcomes’.
What I wasn’t aware of is that people pleasing comes from what we feel we are obliged to do in order to be a certain type of person but to also gain love, attention, affection, validation and approval, as well as avoid conflict, criticism, disappointment, abandonment and loss.
In truth that means, ‘I feel that I have to do this ‘for you’ so that you feel obliged to give me what I want (or to spare me from unpleasant outcomes)’.
We all, well certainly empathetic folk, do things that despite our intentions, we in retrospect realise that it wasn’t a good idea or that we need to approach it differently next time. We learn from the experience.
When we’re entrenched in people pleasing though, so we don’t even recognise the habit as being an issue, or we do but can’t see another way to be, we keep doing the same thing and expecting a different tipping point result.
It permeates every area of our life and we feel resentful, victimed, powerless, helpless and downhearted.
Invariably there comes a point where we can’t take anymore and we’re forced to confront our pattern, no matter how discomforting it might be. We realise that, yes, people do take the piss, that we are always the one who, for instance, volunteers their time, sorts out problems, keeps quiet. backs down, overperforms, puts everyone first etc, and that we’ve had some pretty painful experiences, but we also realise that we are the common denominator. That doesn’t mean that we’re responsible for other people’s behaviour but what it does mean is that we have to look at what we’re bringing to the situation and calling ‘right’.
Remember that we’re often feeling short-changed, like we’re not ‘good enough’, and like nothing we do is ever enough, yet we still think that being pleasing is ‘right’.
We become aware of such a thing as boundaries (knowing where we end and others begin and knowing our line and our limit so that we live in line with our values) and realise that we are the key player in the management and creation of our own, but then feel genuinely perplexed and anxious about how cutting back on people pleasing isn’t going to turn us into a horrible person that everyone wants to argue with, criticise, reject and abandon.
And let’s be real: a few too many rides at the people pleasing rodeo mean that we’re left trying to figure out a new way to be without becoming bitter and suspicious.
It’s like, ‘Right, world! You’ve maxed out your credit with me and if anyone wants anything from me in future, they’re gonna be put through their paces. No one’s gonna get away with anything ever again’.
We put up a wall and get panicky about boundaries because we quite simply don’t know the difference between giving and sacrificing.
Giving is wholehearted, autonomous and authentic. It’s the free transfer of something so basically, it has no strings attached. If we are giving something with a specific expectation of what we should get back, if the other party is unaware, it’s not a give.
Similarly, if we decide to give (read: do or be) something because it’s just something we decided off our own back or we thought, ‘If I do this, they’ll do that, and then such-and-such will happen’, that’s not a give.
So, for instance, when I was involved in an 18-month affair with a co-worker, I felt entitled to him leaving due to my pain and suffering. I’d given him a grand ole time, made it super comfy for him, and in my mind, given him everything he wanted, and all without him having to cough up a relationship or even be faithful.
Newsflash: He did not ask me to do that. If I’d told him from the outset that this is what was expected, I can assure you that the affair would never have got off the ground.
Now, granted, he did make out like he was going to leave, how tricky the situation was, how he saw me as his girlfriend and blah blah blah, but all of this was in response to my dissatisfaction with the situation.
Truth be told, part of my people pleasing in life has been to pretend that I had less needs than I had, that things didn’t bother me as much, and that I was super independent.
Sure, I’m an independent person but truth be told, that people pleasing was really my form of self-protection that allowed me to feel safe while still trying to get what I want without having to admit that actually, I did bloody well have needs, things did bother me, and while I was independent in some ways, relationship wise I was codependent and acting out issues stemming from abandonment in childhood.
Now, you can apply this to anything you’ve been a pleaser about and that same truth will remain: you’re doing stuff that no one actually asked you to do or that they’re certainly not going to take responsibility for.
They’ll go, ‘Yeah, sure, I have asked you if I can borrow money off you on a number of occasions but if what you really wanted to do was say no, you could have’.
They’ll go, ‘Yeah, you did sleep with me, listen to my problems and feed my cat when I was away even though I made it clear that I’m clearly not going to give you a relationship, and yes, I did text you, but the fact that you did those things doesn’t mean that I should want to have a relationship and if you really wanted more, you should have told me to jog on’.
They’ll go, ‘Yes, you did go above and beyond at work and it’s appreciated, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t flag up an issue or that you have to be first in line for promotion, plus actually, if you’d asked me what I was looking for to promote, I would have given you far easier suggestions.’
They’ll go, ‘Um, yeah, thanks for never being honest with me and not trying to hurt my feelings but I’m a grownup, I didn’t ask you to hold back, and I don’t appreciate you unleashing all this pent-up stuff on me and telling me how I’m a bad friend for not being able to read your mind about something’.
Which brings me neatly to sacrifice, the act of giving up something of value for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.
Being willing to make sacrifices is a part of life. We do it every time we make a decision because there are trade-offs to every decision. We say yes to something while saying no to something else. Sure, we can try and sit on the fence but it never works out well.
If we do something that involves giving us up, pretending to be something we’re not, and suppressing and repressing our needs, expectations, desires, wants, feelings and opinions, this is not giving—it’s sacrifice.
Just so we’re all clear, sacrificing yourself for a relationship isn’t giving; it’s degrading you. It instantly makes the relationship imbalanced and unhealthy.
People make sacrifices within their relationships but when they’re made from a healthy place, they become autonomous gives.
We do something not just because we want to but because when the other person gives, we don’t want him/her to come from a place of feeling manipulated, coerced and guilted, just as we wouldn’t want to either. We don’t want to keep score and say stuff like, ‘After everything I’ve done for you!’
When we feel obliged to do something, it’s an automatic precursor to guilt and resentment and so when it comes to the relationships we value, we gradually work out that we have to decide what we feel we have to do versus what we want to. Wrestling with a sense of obligation becomes a jump-off point for an honest conversation with ourselves and with the party in question.
We consider what the baggage might be behind our obligation, what our motives and expectations are including what we might be afraid of, and we also have to consider the consequences of doing it from a place of obligation, so how we might feel if we go ahead, but also how we might feel if they and life don’t meet our expectations of what we think will happen if we meet that need.
People pleasing is based on the idea that we are obliged to meet someone else’s need quite simply because they have it. To be clear, we’re not.
People pleasing is our attempt to say yes to ‘everyone’ while always saying no to ourselves.
What we don’t often realise is that some of our closest, most valued relationships, interests and causes get sacrificed because we haven’t figured out how to say no and be OK with someone being disappointed [due to us saying no] to meeting a need that we don’t have to meet.
We have to treat ourselves as a person of value and actually, that starts with taking responsibility and figuring out what our values are and living by them, instead of trying to shape shift for everyone. It’s realising that we hate feeling guilty and obliged, so why would we want to do that with others? It becomes clear that we can’t keep ignoring us and putting ourselves last and then expecting others to make up for it. We decide that if we can’t give it wholeheartedly, then we need to speak up about our expectations and be OK with the other person having a different viewpoint, because at least we’ll know where we stand and will have spared ourselves pain and problems. We can consciously choose our preferences, priorities and principles so that we feel like the worthwhile and valuable person we’d forgotten we are.
If you feel guilty, obliged or bad before or after you give, it’s not giving. The truth is, it’s time to stop emotionally blackmailing yourself. It’s a vicious cycle that ironically will leave you feeling far worse than if you’d said no.
Your thoughts?
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Interesting article Natalie thanks. I wonder if any of this is linked to having an ’emotionally absent’ parent when growing up? Reasoning as a child that if I do XYZ, be the good son/daughter, then dad or mum will give me affection, time, etc.
I’d be interested if you have written anything on ’emotionally absent’ fathers and their effects on daughters future relationships with men.
I’m the child of a narc mother and emotionally distant/absent, aggressive, controlling, step-father, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that the tendency to people please is linked to the spectrum of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and other traumas.
…what she said.
I find giving a confusing subject. I am now aware of the people-pleasing kind of giving & how negatively that works out for everyone involved.
It felt so good to mail a small, personal gift to the MM during our whatever/relationship. I was so happy to have someone I wanted to send a gift to, experience the fun of him getting it, etc. I don’t think it was done from a place of people-pleasing by me. It felt genuine.
Going through the motions of “giving” fake emotional support to people over the years, when I felt it was my people-pleasing duty, felt terrible. At work it felt terrible to pretend to care about people expecting a certain response to something. So I try to avoid these situations where the people-pleasing seems like it is expected somehow… I’m too likely to take the bait & it helps no one at all.
But I do sincerely miss the genuine feeling of giving to the MM, whether in conversation or in the other small ways, like the (inexpensive) birthday gift I sent. I appreciated what he gave me, whether it was being the only one to talk to me or share a kind word, or help me with work tasks, that sort of thing. I can’t seem to make friends in RL & have a lot of bad experiences (burned bridges with people who I somehow offended, or who badly mistreated me).
Having a bad night, having looked at his new, post-me social media account for first time tonight & seeing him again for first time in months. Better than breaking NC–thanks to this site, I will never grovel or beg or even approach for crumbs–& I know he can’t see I checked out his account. He hasn’t blocked me, which I find odd, as he is the one who started NC after sending a message indicating his marriage/family life were at risk because he had been feeling vulnerable & so let things get out of hand with me, the friend.
I don’t feel I gave anything to him I didn’t want to, & I don’t think he was using or playing me, just being ignorant of his callousness in order to get his needs met. I was callous & ignorant in giving & receiving what did seem to be genuine love & care with him, both sides, despite knowing there was a wife & child out there, being ignored for the moment.
I know I should be so happy & proud to be OUT of this exchange of affection with a MM, but I just feel very sad & lonely. I am finding that spending time with unrewarding substitute people just doesn’t make me feel good at all the way he did. I spend so much time alone anyway that being NC with him just reaks my heart oevr & over again, & I do find myself reading the messages I saved from him just to be able to eat & sleep. I can handle alone. After what seemed to be a real friend & real love, which maybe wasn’t, in the light of day, I find alone much harder & this site is keeping me together right now, daily. I find no solace elsewhere but work. Thank you, BR.
“Just so we’re all clear, sacrificing yourself for a relationship isn’t giving; it’s degrading you. It instantly makes the relationship imbalanced and unhealthy.”
Also super confused now, because the MM was the one who seemed to be making the sacrifices to me–he was literally begging to be allowed to give me a foot rub, back rub or “anything”, to go to future events as my date, etc. He took enormous risks & ultimately got caught after sending me a long love letter by email. He sent me protected emails from a past employer, proprietary info from work, etc. Spilled his guts in ways I never did (mercifully–maybe I’m the EU one, more than him, as I never gave him anything blackmailable).
I regrettably saw on his timeline he’s now mentioning things about having a burned-out mind cause bad behaviour (I am not named, nor is his cheating, just ‘the psychology of burnout’ kind of link to a web article). In his NC declaration to me, he said he let our friendship go out of control because of “burnout”, so I guess that’s the excuse or rationalization now. He was burned out, so he turned to me, I reciprocated, it got out of control, & now I’m just an unmentionable symptom of his burnout. I don’t understand why he took all the risks he did, making overt sacrifices to have my company (no sex), then this…
Be patient and steadfast Lost it will get easier as the time passes with NC – no contact means no checking up on him online though. This is a recipe for ongoing suffering, avoid. Did you notice how he is phrasing his contact with you as something that is all about him? Yes, I know he can’t mention you by name or allude to your situation, but this is not kind or respectful to you or his wife, child. If he were more sensitive and aware he wouldn’t be posting anything online, at all. Finally, all those ‘risks’ you mention him taking mean very little if there is no expected follow through in his mind re action. Maybe he just got taken by the fantasy and drama of it all? And there’s zero judgement from me here I spent years in a destructive/abusive relationship with married man, something I would NEVER do again. It almost killed me. Don’t look back, focus on your work and be patient it will get better when you move on from him.
Be patient and steadfast Lost it will get easier as the time passes with NC – no contact means no checking up on him online though. This is a recipe for ongoing suffering, avoid. Did you notice how he is phrasing his contact with you as something that is all about him? Yes, I know he can’t mention you by name or allude to your situation, but this is not kind or respectful to you or his wife, child. If he were more sensitive and aware he wouldn’t be posting anything online, at all. Finally, all those ‘risks’ you mention him taking mean very little if there is no expected follow through in his mind re action. Maybe he just got taken by the fantasy and drama of it all? And there’s zero judgement from me here I spent years in a destructive/abusive relationship with married man, something I would NEVER do again. It almost killed me. Don’t look back, focus on your work and be patient it will get better when you move on from him.
Thank you Magpie-“Did you notice how he is phrasing his contact with you as something that is all about him?” seems to be the real key here with the MM, as you said. So giving anything (time, love, gifts, whatever) to someone like this is probably seen same way: they think it’s all about how great & deserving they are, not anything about the relationship or the giver at all.
I saw MM put one more thing about how “grateful he is for his wife & child” on his social media, & now I have muted him. Don’t know if it’s true or not, but I read that narcissists get a massive ego stroke if they see that you blocked them, so muting is better.
“Finally, all those ‘risks’ you mention him taking mean very little if there is no expected follow through in his mind re action.” I agree Magpie, but he did purchase a train ticket, hotel room, etc. & seemed very very invested in meeting up, proclaiming how excited he was to meet again & how he couldn’t wait. We had time/place set, right before he ghosted, only letting me know a month later how he couldn’t survive without his wife & child. I realize now that his wife is the primary breadwinner, & he would be in a serious financial jam if he left, she dumped him, he had to go to court, etc. He has no money for that, while she has good income/job.
The NC continues, even as all I attract is elderly sleazebags & I do every damn thing in life alone. I keep coming back to BR for the great advice & support. It’s very eye-opening.
Interesting article and I wonder if I can get some additional insight.
I normally get the opportunities to go to many sporting events and movie premieres. As I’m single, I bring friends to come as my guests. I’ve been doing this for years.
I recently decided to run a marathon and raise money in honor of my mother who died of a heart condition so thought I would raise funds for Heart Association. I did a call out to my friends (many of who have benefited from the outings as my guests) in hope they would donate. I had never asked them to pay to come but some have not donated to my cause (this is a first ask in like 10 years so it’s not like I ask for donations every year). So I’m starting to feel resentment. Like how can you not donate to something that is dear to my heart and I have brought you to so many events for free. I feel that this is bad to feel for I understand I should want to invite and give them this experience with no strings attached but then, I feel what kind of friend are they are they don’t support a cause which I explained via email on how meaningful it is to me. I don’t know if I can hang out with some of these friends when they didn’t even donate. And then a double edge knife for I had one dear friend donated, but donated the least and I know he is not in a financial bind for he goes out every weekend. One of my friends says, some people just aren’t as giving so you can’t fault them for that. Am I bad to feel this way? Am I setting expectations that I shouldn’t because they it’s not really giving and hoping for something back in return?
Sammi, that’s a tricky one…were the friends who didn’t donate there for you and emotionally supportive when your Mom died or during the time she was sick? Were they true friends in that way? To me that would matter more.
It doesn’t sound at all like you invited them with strings attached, you’re just now finding out what you maybe don’t like or find insensitive about some of your friends and that’s OK.
The thing with donating is how can you know what other organizations, go fund me’s etc they may be donating to and maybe don’t have it within their budget to donate to yours? If the friendship is important you could let them know that it hurt you that they didn’t respond to or even acknowledge? your request for a donation on behalf of your Mom.
I’m sorry though it does sound hurtful and i think i would be wondering same as you.
I wonder if you’re feeling bad that you were vulnerable about your mum and no one responded. You publically stated your loss and didn’t get the response you wanted. There was a validation you needed from
that request. I wonder if it’s not about the money really. I would suggest – let it go. If they were and are there for you generally in life, don’t burn bridges over this. Not everyone wants to donate money. And to remember your mum, reach out to friends and family that loved her and talk to them. Your mums passing is the hardest thing in your life. Your friends have their own hardest thing. You don’t need them to donate to you to recognize in yourself how much you loved your mum.
@ Wanda and Suki
Thank you for your comments. My mom passed away 15 years ago. I run the half marathon every 5 years in her honor. I reached out to my friends explaining this. Because I haven’t fundraised in a long time and explain the importance of this half marathon for me, I was surprise how some friends did not donate. It just disheartens me for I have been so giving and inviting them to events that the one time (in a long time) i ask for support, they don’t show any. Hence why I feel bad feeling this way for I know not everyone donates or understands their financial situation. But if one can go out every weekend and another offer to pay for a ticket for an event (which I have never accept payment), I am just sadden they couldn’t think of supporting me this way.. I think i just won’t invite them anymore to events and invite those who are more supportive of me.
I am having trouble with this”giving” concept from the other side. I rarely ask anyone for anything, but sometimes my boyfriend offers things and if it is of benefit to me I accept. I see no problem with this and do not think I am doing anything wrong.
Then some time later, weeks months whatever, he will have a “need” of some kind and he just expects me to meet that need. Often it is something I cannot do without causing myself some form of harm/distress, so I say sorry but no, I cannot help you with that, without harming myself. Again, I do not see anything wrong with my response. I am not being selfish, I would help if I could, but I must look after my own health and well-being, that must come first priority for me.
So when I cannot help he calls me selfish and I get it thrown back at me “but I did X, Y, Z for you!”. To which I respond that yes he did and I was and am grateful, but that does not automatically make me able to help him with his need. I tell him to stop calling me selfish (we have some almighty rows about it) because looking after myself (my own health and well-being) is not selfish, and I do not appreciate being called rude words and spoken to harshly when I have done nothing wrong.
My question to you all is this: Since trying to explain myself (that I need to take care of my health and well-being first and foremost) is not working, is there anything else I can do to stop him treating me badly? Except to walk away, of course. I know I can always break up with him, but that is my last resort. However, I feel like maybe every time he starts a row and calls me selfish etc and there are no real consequences to it (because I do not break up with him), then maybe I am allowing him to bust my boundaries? Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
I think that aside from the loved-upty feelings, it doesn’t sound very enjoyable. If/when they fade, what are you left with?
You can’t accept nice things in case you unwittingly commit to something that you don’t want, he doesn’t care about your wellbeing and he can’t accept no as an answer, and nags. Fun!
From my (completely detached) perspective, I’d say break up with him, because it’s always easy to say from a distance. But not as a ‘consequence’ or a means of getting him to realise the error of his ways, more as a way of getting out of a situation with someone who isn’t particularly bothered about making you feel happy or safe.
It does seem like an unhealthy dynamic… some of your wording made me think. You say: sometimes my boyfriend offers things and if it is of benefit … that doesn’t sound like a gift. If it is of benefit. It makes me wonder about both of your attitudes and values toward giving and accepting.
You put his needs in quotation marks. Does that mean that he asks for something that he says he needs but you doubt whether he truly needs it? And what harm does it cause you? Money? Time? Effort? Does it really affect your health? I mean is he asking for a midnight jail break in your busiest week of the year?
Harm. Benefit. “Needs” in quotations. What do you two like about each other ? I think you should explore your dynamics around what relationships mean to you. Do not live under this burden of gratitude.
Was he a mamas boy? Sounds like a pattern from being a child. He doesn’t get what he wants has a hissy and insults to guilt trip you. Personally I’d get out pronto. Putting yourself first if you have health problems is very important and if someone can’t recognise that then flush.
I have a friend who has health problems which I fully understand as I also have had health problems. However she is using that not to see me at her place but can go out and do other things. I haven’t offered to help her or give her lifts as she has a daughter living across the road from her and other people who can help. When I’ve been ill I have had no-one and ended up coping on my own as my family live hundreds of miles away. My feeling is that if she isn’t happy because I haven’t given her lifts to appointments that isn’t something I can do and she has family who can do that. She has had lifts from me in the past and never offers any petrol money plus often looks for a lift. I am not working and would appreciate something towards petrol so am now not offering as I feel she uses people. I own’t be contacting her again in a hurry.
Thanks for your replies it is interesting reading.
Feisty, he had emotionally absent (addiction)/ actually absent parents so not mummy’s boy, but I see where you are coming from and you could be right, he has learning disabilities (me too) and he is more used to Support Workers than ordinary relationships with non-professional people.
I did not put much detail because it would have been really long and personal. Basically I am a self-sufficient and independent person. I am long-term ill and there are lots of ordinary things I cannot do or struggle with, I also need to rest a lot or my illness gets worse. I find alternative ways, or else leave non-essential things undone. It is just the limitations of being ill and I accept that. I think I am more bothered by the way things are between us because I never expect anything from anyone in terms of favours, I think it is totally fine for people to not offer to do things, it is not their fault I am ill. I just have a problem with people who tell me I owe them because they chose to do me a favour or give me a gift. I do end up wishing I had not said yes to something.
Suki, midnight jailbreak made me laugh 😀 no he is not criminal, I thought a nice person (still think? Confusing.) but he seems very demanding, to me, wants lots of attention reminding me (maybe should not?) of a small child always wanting attention. I put “needs” like that “” because the blog post describes essential things as needs but I feel its a strange way of looking at it, almost like a medical term? It did not seem right for me to type it without “”. And yes you are right there are times when he says he needs something and it turns out he could have managed alone but it would have taken longer, or it was something totally non-essential that could have waited for another day. Sometimes a genuine need but just because he needs whatever it is does not mean I am able to give it. I *have to* rest.
Yoghurt, I have been having the same thoughts of what is left after the lovey-upty feelings fade. When things are fine they are fine, when we row I think why am I even bothering?
This might sound bad but I thought I was too ill for a proper romantic relationship and I only looked for casual, someone to have fun with, enjoy each others company, go places. He wanted more so I try to step up because I think he is worth it, but then he starts all wanting things his own way all the time, like how I first posted. I think I need some distance from him and maybe he is not my Mr. Right after all 🙁
Well internet friend. If you have health issues that sap your energy, you must ask yourself — ‘am I practicing self care by being with this person in a romantic capacity?’. I wasn’t sure when I responded earlier if you were both being somewhat non generous. With your details in your new post it’s clear he demands more than anyone can give let alone someone whose energy might be low sometimes. You don’t owe him anything. You can give him whatever you want and care for him but you don’t owe him. I feel like the only thing you can do short of leaving him is changing the relationship to a totally different level. Eg maybe only meet outside the home where it’s easier to cut meetings short and it’s harder to ask for favors. Be friends rather than romantic partners. He will have to be on board with these changes and it seems like he doesn’t handle stress well. Put your health first.
Suki thank you so much for saying all this 🙂 . I was having all these thoughts myself but, as I struggle with what is “right” and what is “wrong” in general, so I was wondering if I was being somehow less-than as a person or as a romantic partner. Or if I had just changed and gone a bit nasty and was now a bit non-generous like you said. I find life, and anything involving people (so, most things!), really confusing. Other people’s perspectives really help.
I will do what you said and see him out more, I think it might help both of us for things to be more defined like that with a start and a finish to meet-ups.
We met originally and I kept him at a distance until I knew him better, but after 6 months we just kind of merged homes/lives/ourselves and became inseparable, maybe it was a failing on my part to let that happen.
Saiskhia. It sounds like he is more dependent on others than you are and that his learning disability makes him more demanding. I like you have health problems and this would stop me having a relationship as I have days when I am tired and have to takes it easy. If on a good day I do too much then I will suffer afterwards. To have someone understand that for a relationship is for me not a place I wish to go. In my 50s I am like an overlooked pet because of my age and men who might be compatible with me are after young lassies in their 20s.
I find society is very shallow and misogynistic as in it is ok for a man to become wide round the girth, grey haired, saggy jowls etc. but it isn’t for women. What amazes me is so many 20 somethings give them the time of day but then these women are on meal tickets and if they enter into a “relationship” with these men they become little better than paid escorts. Men my age who are relatively recently divorced or widowed are like roosters in the hen house. They want to play the field to prove they still have it and many just want casual on their terms. If this means having a trophy hanging off their arm young enough to be their daughter (yuk) then that is where they will sniff. Personally any man so shallow as to base partner choice on looks, being slim etc. and actually going fishing in that pond to act out his fantasy, would not be a man I would entertain.
Men the world over are the same and I feel that the internet plus modern attitudes are responsible for a lot of the problems in relationships these days. People don’t have to make the same effort with social media, text etc. and when the going gets serious or though people bail. In older times manners were better, more effort was made and people worked at something before bailing because it was harder to meet the opposite sex. Now it is easy come easy go and back online for the next hit so for some men and women they never get passed the initial high or “in love feeling”. The internet has made it easier to meet people and is based solely on looks not character. I have never internet dated and never will.
Thank you, Nat! Sorry to see the podcast go but grateful to know the blog is still on point as ever.
This post came at the perfect time as I’m two months into a new job, and have slowly become aware of my inner people pleaser mode feeling constantly switched ‘on’ and trying to work out how to make it stop, especially in an office of mostly women (& mother’s) where some expectation of emotional labour seems entrenched to smooth running of operations. So far it hasn’t felt toxic but kind of a juggling act to empathize and anticipate co-workers’ and bosses’ (one of whom was actually my former teacher) needs, and not get entangled in giving at my own expense just to be on good terms.
It’s frighteningly easy to slide from being on my best work behavior into playing the role of “the good girl”.
Being a temp, I’ve decided I need to set boundaries around money-related contributions in the office (e.g. donations) as I do get paid the least for now. Almost dreading the pre-holidays panhandling lol.
I’ve also noticed that with the return of employment, the urge to spend on my friends (who do not ask for it) is back and it makes me wonder why my self-worth as a friend is so tied to whether I can help financially.
I’m sort of “practicing” giving and receiving without delusional expectations. I was seeing a man for a couple of months. Things were going swimmingly until the moment they weren’t. It’s now abundantly clear he isn’t interested in turning the clock backwards, though he still wants to keep in touch. I didn’t want to at first, but over the course of the next few weeks, I kept running across things I wanted to share with him due to our genuine mutual interests. At first, I realized I was partly sharing with him in hopes that these info shares would mean a payoff – that he would again revert to the person who was dating me so enthusiastically and had given me the “promise” of a future together. Each time that didn’t happen, I let go of my expectations a little more. I began to ask myself if sharing info with him, and what seems his genuine interest in certain parts of my life, and mine in his, could be done without romantic expectation. It helps that we weren’t involved for very long – but I did like him very much. Anyway, so far I’ve been able to find pleasure in our communications that outweighs disappointment that I’m not “getting what I really want.” Nor is he jerking me around or hinting about getting back together or trying to turn the conversion sexual. Nor am I devoting much time at all to this. So… I think I will continue, albeit very cautiously.
Diane you are a better person than me. Personally I wouldn’t bother giving a man like that the time of day from the point that things failed. He won’t be reliable even as a friend and is doing this to keep his options open and because it strokes his ego having a harem.
You know what? I don’t think he’s doing that (there is zero ego stroking in my emails, trust me. I mean, we discuss the stock market…) but today I decided to block him. Not because of anything he did but because I emailed him 2 days ago and haven’t received a response and I actually found myself getting a little miffed about that. (Even tho he warned me he is currently without a phone, it died, and responses might take longer.) Once I realized I was actually WAITING FOR A RESPONSE I blocked. I hadn’t realized that before. As Nat says, you don’t have be friends with every ex. Later gator…
Ego stroking can come in many forms often it is merely the knowledge that they can get a response. Sorry but I do feel from what you have said that he was making excuses. But you recognised that you were hanging on for a response and have blocked so now it is no contact which means you won’t be dragged through the mill. If someone is important then a person will make every effort to get in touch, borrow a friend’s phone even. Effort or lack of says a lot.
This article is SO TRUE. I have really seen that dynamic in the codependent who’s sometimes in, mostly out, of my life. And in myself, in years gone by.
What we don’t understand, when we practice martyred giving, is that, although we THINK we are being nice now, we are setting ourselves up to do something HORRIBLE later when we’ve gone without for so long we can’t stand the pain anymore and just BLOW UP and do something we thought we never would.
I’m reminded of my mentally ill mother. I used to say of her that she’d ruled out every healthy option for relating to others–out of fear of social disapproval–so all she was left with were all the unhealthy options.
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