Over the last few weeks, I’ve been meeting BR readers and a hot topic has been values, namely, realising that what they ultimately ended up doing in a host of situations did not reflect their true intentions, values, and basically who they are in the main. They each found that in situations that called for them to speak or stand up for themselves, or to show up as they truly are, they doubted themselves. They feared that if they didn’t play the game, “put out”, appear agreeable, let certain things slide, that they would be judged and rejected. They didn’t realise that aside from this being a self-rejection for what was often a veritable stranger or certainly not somebody that warranted self-abandonment, that sure, they may have felt that they avoided one form of judgment but what they didn’t like was that bigger picture of recognising that in that ‘one moment’, which actually became one in a number of moments, that they got into a habit with these people and that they were judged anyway. It might not have been done in a conscious fashion by the other party but nonetheless, that person did get an idea of what was and wasn’t permissible and no doubt used these judgements to form conclusions.
It’s very hard to be judged fairly on who you are if, despite your best intentions, your fear of not being liked, your fear of letting this ‘fish’ slip back into the bucket that ‘everyone’ is fighting over, takes precedence and causes you to be and do things in the moment that do not reflect who you are in the main.
It’s like, “What’s one chocolate bar gonna do?”, says many a person (like me) who decides to give up an unhealthy habit, but of course if that chocolate bar is one of many in the grander scheme of things, yeah, it means a lot. Incidentally, this happened to me today–38 days sans chocolate, accidentally ate a cupcake with heavenly white melted chocolate that I mistook for icing and thought, “Ah, what the hell! Might as well have another with a cup of tea”. Kettle’s boiling and no joke–I felt woeful due to the massive sugar rush in my chest and head. High as a kite! So I didn’t have another one. It reminded me of engaging with exes and other toxic people in my past, only I would have another ‘cupcake’ in those instances.
Momentarily forgetting your values and boundaries, isn’t a big deal in the grander scheme of things and it’s part of the on the job training of life—of course it’s all relative and it depends on what it is—but doing this a lot and with one particular person or in a particular type of situation, builds into something bigger, especially when you’ve lost the context of recognising that it’s not just that “one time”.
It’s vital to carry your values with you and to follow through as often as you can (this means you’ll be values driven in your outlook anyway) because you can’t be selective about your moral convictions. At that point where you’re willing to make one set of rules for one and different set of rules for another, is where you begin to come undone. I see this all the time—people who stand for a lot in certain aspects of their lives but who when they’re in a romantic relationship or whatever their ‘trigger’ is, they completely lose the run of themselves.
Your values need to permeate your life.
You can only know how committed you are to your values and in fact, how much you value them, by the conviction with which you follow through. It’s easy to talk about values but you really see where you are with them when you’re around someone who has a different set of values or where you have a fear of not being liked.
You eventually realise that you need to try to live by your values regardless of how much you’re ‘liked’ because you don’t like you too much when you don’t live by them.
If you say that you’re a person of integrity, that you value honesty, responsibility, assertiveness etc, that cannot be something that you just seek in others while ducking out from that task yourself and you cannot just have those values at work but then throw them out the window when you’re around romantic partners or family members. Yes, you do need to adapt for each environment but that’s actually governed by the depth of your relationship and how much you want to come from a place of love, care, trust and respect, not by assumptions and fear. This means that you have the same core values but they may be expressed in different ways. You might also find that due to certain healthy relationships, you can be really relaxed and lean in to who you are around those people, so you’re even more of who you truly are.
You always know you’ve got big problems when not only are you focusing on ‘good times’ or marking crossing your own boundaries and values as a one time thing, but you’re becoming less of who you are.
Choosing to abscond from your values because you’re afraid of how they will be judged, isn’t a good reason to shy away from your values.
It’s critical to live and let live and the only way that you can do this is to be focused on living and breathing your own values, not on trying to change others.
Live and let live means that you don’t judge you for not being the other person and you don’t judge him/her for not being you.
It’s basic respect. You agree to disagree, so if they don’t like the same things that you do, you can be OK with that as long as you’re not judging them for not liking those things or judging you for being different. Judging others just tasks you with trying to change the things you can’t control and getting trapped in your moral outlook, and judging you exacerbates insecurity because it leaves you open to being threatened by differences and needing to seek validation by either trying to convince them or morphing in to what you think will make you ‘OK’.
You cannot know the content of your character and the way in which you want to guide and direct you, until you are willing to stand for something. That takes paying attention to what matters and paying attention to your preferences because ultimately, you have a preference for how you want to live and be, and the only person who can truly express that is you. Take care of your own side of the street and not only will you feel like the worthwhile and valuable person that you are but you will not have to ride the disappointment cycle of feeling that you have let you down.
Your thoughts?
PS I haven’t done a TV show update for a while, but after finishing off The Affair (fantastic), it’s Girls, Togetherness, The People vs OJ Simpson (Gotta love David Schwimmer’s hairline and Travolta’s make-up–it is make-up right?), and The Good Wife (am still finishing off season 6).
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“At that point where you’re willing to make one set of rules for one and different set of rules for another, is where you begin to come undone”. Hell yes. Nat, I’d be the happiest Mom if you’d write a book for teenage girls. While I talk to my girls about self-respect, boundaries, knowing their worth, etc, I’m clearly STILL learning, lol. I wish I could verbalize things to them in the way you uniquely do. It would truly be an amazing resource to have your writings help our daughters navigate relationships (whether romantic in nature or not), from a perspective of heightened self awareness. (And plus…it’s common knowledge that most teens listen more to someone else’s advice than their Mom’s). Please consider it!!
I second this- do please consider writing for teens! I’ve been thinking a few years ahead and wondering just what age is too early to hand them a bundled gift of The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. 🙂
You’re amazing.
Thanks Nat, always a pleasure reading your blogs! There was a time in my life, I thought boundaries were for other people. I had no idea I needed to get some, till I started falling apart. In my case I was a people pleaser, and when they weren’t pleased
I blamed myself, thinking I hadn’t tried hard enough.
It took a long time to know myself. I’m still pleasant, however I please myself first, if I know I will be busting my boundaries.
Thanks Nat, you just helped me finish the soothing process for what has been a two day comparing binge over my exEUM’s new gf/victim. I am in a new relationship, do not want my ex back at all and know he is still shady as ( i didn’t seek this info on purpose, we bumped into each other in Dec and he was his usual EU self) and yet after hearing through mutual friends that he is heads over heels for a former acquantaince of ours he has been seeing since Jan, I was momentarily plagued by irrational beliefs that some type of women can Jedi trick an EU person into finally being available. One of friends even commented “I think this is the one that is gonna change him, she is a conscious person”
This new girl is a friend of a friend and very into the psychadelic, neo hippies scene, certified in reiki and acrobatic bondage yoga she has always seemed very cool she wears Indian traditional clothing, well travelled and even cool Bhuddist tattoos. Even though I have no problem with any of these things I could not help but wonder if maybe I had been more new agey and less “boring” I could have had a different experience and maybe have opened a part of his heart with some spirit force or something and if this would help me get other things in my life I had failed to get so far.She must have magic because I distinctly remember how vocal my ex used to be about how anti-hippy he is and now he is seeing one.
I know how ridiculous I sound, I am perfectly happy being the level of spiritual that I am and before I compared myself to a reiki doing acrobatic enlightened being I didn’t even feel I am boring or have a narrow worldview, I am well travelled, have close friends with all different world views, and have a degree in Anthropology! I sat for a few days wondering if maybe I seemed too materialistic cos I stayed in my job (which I like) as compared with her who quit her job so has more time to work around my EU’s busy schedule which was a major source of angst cos we always met around his schedule? Should I move to India? Should I find a guru? Should I go to aerial yoga class with my friends who seem to be having fun at it? It has taken me almost two days to come the other side of this and I really saw how shaky the basis of my self-esteem is and how EU I still am myself to even care about that awful relationship to analyse it anymore.
I suddenly doubted my values when I unnecessarily put them against someone else’s and then centred that comparison around magically turning a person I KNOW is habitually EU to EA. I felt uncool like I did in high school , total regression and absolute insanity. Then I was riddled with guilt for feeling even mildly jealous for her even though I have no problem with her as a person or her beliefs . I think a lot of the things that are important to me are shared by people who practice various other walks of life and I need to stop riding my ass for not being into expressing my values in the way others may.
And besides or most importantly ,seeing as my ex probably hasn’t changed (he started dating this new girl before he stopped seeing the last one) maybe me and this person are actually more similar to each other than surfaces may suggest : we both seem to have trouble getting behind our values if we choose to get involved with someone like my exEUM.
I still lots of work to do with my own conviction about who I am( this brought up a lot of old insecurities that go way back to before the ex) so I can get back to enjoying my new relationship which has not caused me any grief so far , so much so I mentally went out to get some grief from my ex without even seeeing or talking to him! Scary trip back to EU-land, hope I can get back to focusing on my new life and not ever revist that pile of vomit ever again.
Yay, Kookie! I enjoyed reading how you pulled yourself back from the precipice. You examined your belief system and realized ‘Hey, I’m doing well. For a minute I was missing some EU drama simply because it was what I’d gotten used to. ‘
Whoever this ex-guy is seeing, he is still EU. And I love that you can see that your insecurities are rooted to a time way before this ex-EUM showed up.
Again – YAY! – you caught yourself before you fell deep into the chasm of negativity.
Kookie,
Please stop letting your friends report info to you about your exes relationship! It is really none of your business and it only serves to hurt your feelings especially if you are still feeling vulnerable. Focus on your life and keep it moving!
Hey Kookie! Congratulations – and you remind me of something my (awesome) therapist tells me when I need to hear it: “It’s not about whether you fall into the hole – we all do. It’s how quickly you recognize you’re in the hole and remind yourself how to climb out.” There will always be potholes to snag us; it’s a matter of how fast we turn it around and get back on track. You’re doing great. xoxo
thanks ladies , glad i did not spend too long in the spiral! you’re right, nothing in his life is any of my business anymore ( praise be!) . i think my friends accidentally brought it up they don’t usually provide a weekly report on him or anything of the sort. onwards and upwards!
Hi. Your post prompted me to post one of my own.
I hear all you are saying. My ex husband, ( alcoholic, mean, cheap, abusive), started dating one of the “mean” girls from our high school right around our divorce in 2014. She’s so different from everything I am. My ex stopped drinking ( after over 25 years of being a drunk), they live together, and she’s a brat, in short.
However, recently I learned- it’s not all paradise with them. The core is: he’s not drinking, but still EU. She’s still mean. They have been fighting a lot.
Whatever.
The only thing I want from all that is to remember: I matter, I control me, they are not my issue, and now that I’ve started really working on loving ME- they do not matter. I matter. I deserve only the best.
I say it a hundred times a day, and it’s slowly sinking in. Keep going! You sound like you’re doing great Kookie!
Wow, Nat, I am always amazed at the timing of your articles. Just last night I had “one candy bar, oh well” and your wise words are just the antidote to shame and emotional bs I found myself going into.
I went and had dinner with a new neighbor (male) who came on way too strong, pressed every red and amber alert I had three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I drew strong boundaries (yay!) and felt very strong and good. Then, my people-pleaser must have had a hard time with all the pouting and glaring he did in the interveneing weeks because I accepted his offer for dinner as a friendship gesture. Well, it wasn’t friendship and I knew it on some level and I SURE knew it when he insisted on kissing and I bit into that candy bar and kissed him back. STUPID lonely settling-for-bad-food me. I did leave right away and now I have to exercise damage control but your article sure helped. There really is no such thing as being a little pregnant: I am either on my own team or off. I am either going to hold out for excellent emotional sustenance or I am going to eat emotional junkfood.
What I love about BR is that I am learning what a people-pleaser I am and how much I sell me down the river so as to be seen as “nice.” Yet you are kind and compassionate and so are all the lovely people who respond. No one is judging me so I try not to either. I am learning and I was lonely. He is not the man for me and we will not even be able to be friends. He is too needy and I guess I am, too. He is my mirror and I am not a hapless victim. My gut was right and I talked myself out of my first EXCELLENT response.
Hey, I second that need for a book for girls. We sure could have used this stuff when we were younger! And my daughter is recovering from all this people-pleasing just like me even as a woman in her 30’s with her own daughter. We are ALL learning this lesson as women, world wide.
Agreed, LauraG – the junk food analogy is so apt, isn’t it? If we’re giving ourselves plenty of good nutrition, we know junk food will just upset our stomachs and we’ll pass it by. I also had to cut off an ex-EUM – even friendship wasn’t possible, given his actions. He did a similar thing to me – came on really strong, lots of pressure and questioning why we hadn’t slept together yet after *three* dates… dude, if that’s *all* you see when you see me, you’re blind as hell. Good for us for catching it so quickly. And now, they will miss out on BOTH of us. High-five!
Michelle- “dude, if that’s *all* you see when you see me, you’re blind as hell.”
Thank you. I’m writing this down as a reminder and positive affirmation.
You’re line, Michelle, can apply to a wide range of ways a person can be using another and not caring or able to truly know the person.
Hello everybody, I enjoy reading those comments. This is my first time posting, I have learned so much just reading and listing to the advise given. I will also write this phrase down. Thanks again!
“Your values need to permeate your life.” Fabulously put.
Hear this and thought THIS is such a Natalie song. Had to share:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkVaiLROgSg
Thank you so much for this blog. You make the best sense.
Thank you for your insight on so many challenging aspects of love and relationships Natalie. I’m a new reader and have already made changes to myself in how I will go about approaching relationships in the future. I don’t have an extensive dating history and still feel very inexperienced even in my mid-thirities.
Though I know what I want and what I don’t, I seem to forget I have those boundaries when I meet someone I like. I automatically and I think subconsciously start trying to over-please and be perfect whilst I sacrifice my own standards and needs. I have now re-addressed this and moving forward I feel like my eyes are more opened than ever before.
Any man that does not think highly enough of me to prioritise my needs with the same regard as his own is an EUM or assclown unworthy of my time. It may take me longer (or never) to find that guy but I won’t cheapen myself or my boundaries to accept less. I’ve been through too much shit to de-value the hard work I’ve done on myself.
Thanx Nat. In all honesty, I’d rather have another chocolate bar; than another toxic go-around with my ex. Atleast chocolate is medicinal on some level, but that’s the addiction talking, haha. Thank you though, for your dedication!
Thank you for the article, I was nodding all the way through it! I can definitely relate as there’s been many times where I’ve set aside my values, worth, boundaries etc for a relationship and/or pleasing someone (usually a guy) In the end I’m the one that ends up heartbroken. Life is way too short for that.
On the tv update, I love the people vs OJ, great acting and I watch every week! I’m learning a few things about the case I didn’t know back then. I don’t think Cuba plays a good OJ but I can’t think of another actor that can? And I loved the affair, can’t wait for it to come back! It’s crazy how true to life that situation is.
This was great Nat. My values (spiritual/environmental/healthy living/responsibility/accountability) do permeate all aspects of my life. Like most Traditional Native folk, I practice reverence for all living things 24/7. A lot of folk have a hard time with that. It seems as though many want the good things in life without putting forth the sacrifice and discipline needed to attain them. In relationships this includes wanting sex/attention/adoration without having to be present. Staying true to yourself can and is often a very lonely journey but in the end, well worth it.
Thanks for this post Nathalie. I’ve been following you over the years sine 2009 or so. I find myself in a situation in which I moved too fast with someone who came on strongly, ignored signs that I should be asking more questions and paying attention to the answers.
And the sad realization is that maybe if I loved and valued myself more, I would have waited, and asked, and listened. I give chances to the wrong men, even when I know inside that they are wrong for me. 🙁
Like a reader said earlier in the replies, what matters is not whether you fall into a hole or not, but whether you realize it and climb out. I am just tired of falling into holes. I’ve put up with some pretty unbelievable shite… actually, no, most of the women here would probably believe it having experienced similar or worse 🙂
Nat thankyou for this perfectly timed article as I have just ended a 5 month relationship and “run for cover”. He turning up and pounding my door, calling out, demanding to see me after I had spoken face to face, phone conversations and finally email over the last fortnight.. Returning his gifts with grace, which he demanded anyway, including a Birthday Gift. His manipulating, demeaning remarks once I did speak up – telling me I am negative, over sensitive and need a psychiatrist, was the mask dropping. I am really shaken up. What I have experienced here, I guess, is the OPPOSITE of the Assclown, – The Possessor/Controller who wont take “No” for an answer. Said he cannot understand why I should not like him and I was making a very big mistake. He has money and power. If not for the Boundaries I have learned about on BR, I most likely would still be going along, because it was so subtle at first and I was not sure, not recognizing the put-downs and erosion to self esteem and the curtailing of my life as he took over. Having to account for where I was each day in a subtle way, he made sure he knew. When he saw resistance it all ramped up and he accused me of “enjoying creating a crisis “. I would be glad to see a posting from you on this issue. I was feeling increasingly anxious over time and could not work out why. I want to share this because it seems vital early on to spot the pattern which is so difficult to work out when it is happening and you are inside the situation, even with our eyes and ears open.
Good for you for spotting it and getting away!! It can be very subtle and is crazymaking and can make you feel like the bad person – and of course that’s exactly what the want- you’re easier to control/dominate. Be very careful, they don’t give up easily. He is panicking at the loss of control. He might try doing something very sweet or seemingly heartfelt to suck you back in or something to guilt you back in – he’s so hurt and needs you. Don’t buy it. ZERO contact. Take good care of you!
My ex-husband was like that. He always wanted to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. He wanted me to account for every penny of my money and where it went. He wanted to dictate what time I went to bed, how much sex we had, how I dressed for work. This went on for 20 years. Why did I put up with it? I grew up without a father and mistakenly thought this was love. I thought if he spent so much time thinking about me he must really love me.
One day I went to visit my mother and I asked her, “what time are we going to sleep?” She looked at me, surprised. “you can go to sleep whenever you are tired,” she said to me. A light went on. Grownups decide on their own bedtimes.
We went to counseling, but he thought the problem was all me, not him. He started to get more angry, kicking doors down and holding me against my will. The counselor said this was abuse, although I could not see it at the time.
I got divorced 8 years ago, and I have never been happier. I like being independent. I like making my own decisions, controlling my own money, traveling alone, etc. I travel a lot. I went to summer school at the Sorbonne and at Oxford. I took sailing lessons and am now a deckhand on a tall ship. I have learned how to shoot a gun. I read books. My life is fabulous.
I have a boyfriend now who is not at all controlling. He has a “live and let live” philosophy. I am learning how to be in a relationship but still be my own whole person. I’m still learning but it’s a great adventure.
Lesson: If you are with a controller, you need to get out. Now. He will not change. He will not get better. You are relinquishing control to him and he ain’t worth it. Be the master of your own fate.
I so resonate with your story – thank you so much for posting about your experience.
Nat,
I respect and understand your time away. I wanted to wish you well. I really hope you enjoy your break. I love what you said about loving and taking care of yourself for the rest of your days. I need to do the same. Thank you for all the love and support you have given me here at BR. I so appreciate every word you took time to write.
I am about to leave for a very long vacation –in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I hope I gain some more peace.
Wishing you nothing but the best. I will have my toes in some sand soon. Thanks for sharing your story. It is inspirational. Keep being good to yourself.
MJ
Good for you, Nat!! Thank you for everything. Happy growing!
Thank you Nat, and enjoy your break… And the same goes to everyone who is taking it easy and slowing it down to allow for the inner self to gain balance, perspective and just simply …rest for a bit in enjoyment of the good that’s found in just breathing in the Now… Take care Nat, and again, thanks for everything. Thank God last year I found this website in trying to understand what I was going through after my former relationship. Your words brought some sanity and peace back into my soul and some trust tin my inner voice.
I read BR for a long time last year, and then fell off “the wagon”. I met a man on a photography site. We fell in love quickly. Problem was: we were both married. My marriage had been over for years ( EU, alcoholic, abusive). His wife was a tyrant. An added twist? He lives in another country.
Long story short: we flew to see each other several times, he flip flapped back and forth, we broke up, got back together, blah blah, yada yada, fast forward to last year -he proposed ( both of us divorced by then), and I was engaged to a man 10, 000 miles away!
But I started freaking out. I was promoted to a great job, had an awesome new apartment, and didn’t WANT to move to another country. I broke up with him. He sobbed, wept. Blah blah. I was in a good place this January. Felt bad, but tried to steer the way. He called- ” let’s be friends”. It seemed OK. Then he started in: please consider marrying me. I was cautious, but fell back into old patterns, and then BOOM! He BEGGED me to marry him, I said I’d consider it, and he promptly went out AN HOUR later and slept with another woman.
I told him to jog on. ( in vile, curse filled, clear language). Deleted every single means of contact. Mailed his ring back ( no note, nothing).
It’s been over a month. I presume his replacement is keeping him happy. I have NO intention of EVER speaking to him again. I am going to stay on track this time. I’m going to love me.
I recognize my need to Florence Nightingale, validate myself through others, and heal the past with Code Red people while not dealing with my own issues.
I just wish I didn’t feel so stupid. I need to get over that awful feeling I wasted FOUR years of my life on a narcissistic, and ultimately cruel man who I thought I loved.
Thank goodness for this site. It’s my bible right now.
My issue with my ex and values was that he is incredibly more religious than me. We dated for two years, and his extreme religious beliefs came out of left field for me about a month before I called it quits. He suddenly did not want to have sex anymore, and about a week after proclaiming that, he announced he felt guilty sleeping in the same bed as me. He couldn’t explain to me what had shifted or why he had these thoughts, who he spoke to about it, what was said at his church or bible study, etc. Because I didn’t understand and also didn’t sign up for that way of living, I had to let go of the relationship. Easier said than done, even under these circumstances.
My biggest hiccup right now from our relationship was that I was always so much more open from a religious/ cultural perspective than he was. I was fine dating someone and perhaps marrying someone who had different religious beliefs than me. It was hard to go through a breakup with my ex who can’t accept or respect another perspective or viewpoint. I was open and accepting, so why couldn’t he be open to my beliefs? Why was that such a deal breaker for him and not me? Why couldn’t he accept that we had different religious beliefs but that there were so many other good things in the relationship and that religion does not need to be the end-all be-all?
Natalie, do you have any perspectives on religious differences and perhaps emotional unavailability that may be tied to that insular way of thinking? I’m having a hard time understanding why I’m so much more open than him and why he couldn’t see all the other good things in our relationship but had to focus exclusively on our religious differences.
I have been binge-reading the site for a couple days now and have been really experiencing the growth and change I need for some closure on some relationships. One pattern I notice and that I would love to ask Natalie and our readers about is why when I meet someone, I start up really clear in my head about my “boundaries” and my needs at the beginning and then I meet them and I am automatically trying to backpedal to fit them into my lifeplans or change myself to fit into theirs. What’s with that???