i need you to do the right thing by me. i will when you do

I know from personal experience that one can get blinded in the pursuit of trying to get somebody to do the right thing, the ‘right thing’ being the opposite of whatever they’re currently being and doing.

Trying to get somebody to ‘do the right thing’ becomes our blind spot because we put doing the right thing by us on pause or just chuck it out the window. 

Our notion of the ‘right thing’ also blinds us as it might differ entirely from their idea of the right thing. We may see a little or a lot wrong with their actions, but they might not. 

Admittedly, our idea of the right thing may be based on them doing what we believe is right for us, which may conflict with what they think is right for them.

They may know that what they’ve done isn’t ‘right’ per se, but at the same time, they may not believe that ‘repayment’ should take the form that you desire. 

Sometimes, the ‘right thing’ is the right thing, full stop. And other times, it’s subjective.

It seems like the right thing to us, but if we were to get it, it might be wrong. Persisting in pursuing our view of things closes our eyes to the bigger picture, including why our version of things isn’t happening.

Often, we believe it’s right because it’s the picture we have in our heads. It’s how we see things unfolding and working out. And even if some of our expectations are based on what another person promised and claimed to intend, ultimately, we may feel that they owe us the correct version of events because we don’t want to accept the truth of the situation and the disappointment that comes with it.

Sometimes the right thing isn’t right, but we don’t and may not know that until much further down the line when we look back and think, Jaysus! I dodged a bullet on that one!

I remember thinking that the right thing for my ex to do was to leave his girlfriend. In my mind, I’d been and done so many things to please him and secure his love that the least he could have done was break it off with her. It burned me that my considerable efforts to please him in the form of having the affair on his terms and being willing to emotionally bankrupt myself in the process weren’t enough. He would not do the right thing. Even the whole, ‘I’m seriously ill’ wasn’t a trigger.

The things that piss you off in others shine a light on where you may be guilty of the same thing. 

I wanted him to do the right thing because I avoided stepping up for myself and away from him. I wanted to be ‘right’ instead of admitting I’d misjudged the situation. In the end, it was me who had to be brave. At one point, I’d thought we’d be brave together, but he would have left me hanging. It’d be like planning to dive out of a plane together and him insisting that, of course, he’d be right there with me, only for me to look around and find myself alone.

I used to do the whole ‘After everything I’ve done for you…’ and yada yada yada, and the thing is, I see it now with the benefit of hindsight. I felt as if everything I did was a show of faith and a contribution to our affair investment fund. He just thought it was who I was. I felt he owed me what I’d believed it was all leading to. I mean, what the frick did he think I was doing it for? To entertain him like some pop-up entertainment centre with an armchair psychologist, ego stroking, and sex kitten button, and all just for kicks?

I recognise now that the logical thing to do when you’re cheating is to leave or stop and sort your relationship out, but that I was not entitled to him leaving.

It wasn’t the ‘right thing’; it was just what I wanted. There is a difference. Sometimes, we mix the two up when we let our feelings and, yes, our egos dictate our outlook. It was far from crazy to expect him to leave, not least because he was the one to say that he would, plus he would not leave me alone. But my willingness to have an affair doesn’t entitle me to a straight exchange of him leaving. I wanted the wrong thing to be made right, and I did it when I left and stayed left.

Sometimes, the way that we see the problem is the problem in that we’re insisting that something is right for us when it hurts like hell, and it takes us in the opposite direction of treating ourselves with love, care, trust, and respect. We doggedly pursue this rightness even though it’s engaging insanity — repeatedly doing the same things, expecting different results, being surprised when we don’t get them, and persisting again.

We can’t make others ‘do the right thing’, especially when they’re resistant to it, but if we know what the right thing is, the best thing we can do is be brave enough to embody it in our lives. Don’t let the pursuit of trying to get somebody to do the right thing blind you to doing the right thing by yourself.

Your thoughts?

Step into a new chapter of love and self-awareness with the ‘Break The Cycle’ ecourse.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites