If you’ve ever experienced self-doubt, confusion, disappointment and a sense of rejection after someone said or did things that intimated or outright promised a future that didn’t materialise, you’ve experienced Future Faking. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I revisit one of the all-time most popular topics on Baggage Reclaim to make sense of some of the persistent questions that linger in the aftermath. Why would someone say/do this if they didn’t mean it? Was everything fake? Was the Future Faking intentional? Did the future not happen because I wasn’t good enough?
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5 key topics in this episode
- It’s both confusing and attractive when someone intimates, promises, says or does things that contextually reflect a much longer relationship. The more outrageous and big something seems, the more we rationalise that surely they wouldn’t say/do it if [the promised future] weren’t true. We imagine they’re aware of the consequences, so the impact on us or what we think, feel or do in response.
- Societal conditioning says that men ‘don’t like’ relationships and will only commit/change for the ‘right’ person. Saying that divorce rates are high, ‘everyone’s’ into casual, monogamy is ‘dead’, etc., means that we place a lot of value in future talk.
- A Future Faker feels the need to say and do this stuff because they’re trying to convince us that they’re legit. On some level, they know they’re not. For instance, they know that there should be question marks or that it’s a bit fast or that we don’t know each other very well.
- Future Fakers jump right past building a relationship foundation and then feel deeply triggered by reality and the lack of substance. In truth, they can’t handle the weight of what they’ve said and done. It seems ‘too’ intimate and committed.
- A major sticking point and source of pain is the belief that we’re supposed to be what the Future Faker imagined and projected. We’re sold a fantasy that represents our Idealised Self, and then we think we’ve failed.
Links mentioned
- Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
- Future Fakers: Understanding why somebody fakes a future with you
- Future Faking is partly about using intentions to enhance self-image
- Are you future-faking yourself for a short-term fix?
- What learning about the special effects in Apollo 13 taught me about Future Faking
- Future Faking is like The Emperor’s New Clothes
- Letting go of a relationship that didn’t exist
- A deep dive into gaslighting (ep 185)
- Jumping into relationships and belatedly realising commitment and intimacy are involved
- Perfectionism and The Idealised Self (ep 198)
- They’re Just Not That Into You? (ep 222)
- Understanding code amber and red behaviour and issues
- Using Code Amber and Red Alerts to Be More Boundaried (ep 197)
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Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to “please” or protect yourself from others? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.
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