One of the things that I consistently say about healthy, positive relationships is that it takes two people with both of their feet in it to make it work. When one person is a solo thinker whilst the other person is thinking as a team and trying to make up for the other person not pulling their weight, it cannot work. I remember doing a project with someone at university and she slacked off and of course took the credit when after I stepped up and compensated, and then we got a high grade… It was a deflated success and I realised that not only was she taking advantage of our friendship and my conscientiousness, but that I had allowed her to and assumed that she was on board the way that I was on board. When I’ve been in ‘relationships’ with lazy or reluctant team mates, it’s been comparable to trying to cycle a tandem bike on my own with the ‘team’ mate on it, with a flat tyre… Very tiring and a pain in the arse.
Many people assume that if they feel a connection, the other person feels that ‘connection’.
Many people assume that if they do the work of both parties in the relationship and love unconditionally without boundaries, that somehow they’ll reap the reward at some point in some sort of ‘cup runneth over and reciprocates eventually’ sort of fantasy.
The types of people that need you to have little or no boundaries and values in order to be with them assume that if you’re still there, that you are OK with doing things on their terms – see my post on terms and conditions in relationships. This is another example though of someone projecting their vision of things and assuming that the other person is on board – in this instance, the solo thinker, because they can’t see past their own nose, thinks that stuff they do in their interests is in your interests, because they’re happy or it ‘suits’ them.
Either way, you’re not a ‘team’ or a ‘partnership’ or at least not a healthy one.
You both existed before you met. If you cannot identify who you are and merge in your personalities, characters, interests, desires etc, it is very easy to become lost and co-dependent.
By the same token though, you can be an individual with boundaries and values within the team – it’s called ‘sense of self’. It’s called being an individual entity with a decent level of personal security.
It is really important in relationships that you keep your feet in reality. That’s not to be a killjoy; that’s so that you enjoy a real relationship but are also aware of when things have shifted significantly enough for you to sanity check your decision to be with the other party. One of the key reasons why we can find ourselves in dubious relationships is that no matter what we believed the person or the relationship to be at the outset, we have received contradictory evidence that indicates that we need to adjust our perception of things, and ignored it.
We’d rather opt for the illusionary alternative where we hope they’ll return to what we thought they were, or realise potential that they’re not actually going to realise.
Even if at one point you were on the same page, sometimes things change and if we keep on blindly assuming, blindly trusting, and blindly loving, we miss problems that are right in front of our faces. We don’t live in a bubble. Life moves on, circumstances change, and things that are often out of our control influence the relationship or the other person – if we’re not aware of factors that are impacting on the relationship because we’re assuming that things are the way that we envision them to be, it’s like falling asleep on the job.
It’s also important to note that I come across an alarming number of people who believe themselves to be on the same page for the wrong reasons – they think because they have mindblowing sex, read highbrow books, and share the same political views that they’re on the same page.
It doesn’t matter if you appear to share common interests if you’re not in the same relationship.
The reason why you will find yourself struggling in a dubious relationship is because you believe the relationship to be more than what it is (or want it to be more than what it is) – you’re trying to operate as a team with lazy or reluctant team mate. That so-called team mate doesn’t see the relationship in the same way. It’s ticking their boxes because they might be getting a shag/shoulder to lean on/ego stroke or even money, or whatever it is that is that they perceive as the ‘benefit’.
When you realise they’re not on the same page, you try to teach them how to be a team player instead of hanging solo.
This is why it’s important to know who you are and have boundaries because you’ll recognise when you’re alone hanging solo in a relationship instead of trying to make up for their lack of contribution. When we don’t have boundaries and identify ourselves based on our interaction within relationships, it creates a huge imbalance that doesn’t allow us to see the other persons lack of interest because we’ll engage in behaviour that involves us throwing everything that we have at them in the hope that they’ll eventually reciprocate and also validate us.
When you build your existence on another person and effectively have the sun rising and setting on them, it creates an unhealthy balance and puts a huge amount of pressure on the relationship and the other person because you have no personal security.
I regularly ask people what their interests are, what they desire, what their goals are etc and most of them have become lost in the other person and have lost touch with what they want.
Have you ever found yourself at a loss as to what to do with yourself because your ‘significant other’ is busy elsewhere?
Have you found yourself single and suddenly realised that you’ve been so immersed in your relationship that you’ve sacked off your friends and family?
Even as a mother, I know people who base their entire existence on being a mother and then gradually as the child grows and has increased independence feel totally at a loss. I even know people whose personalities disappear with motherhood and they find it difficult to identify with their partner and vice versa.
Here’s the thing: when it comes to being a team, each person on the team knows that they’re on the team, wants to be on the team, and is aware of how they need to work together for the common goal and benefit of the team, and that by doing so, they feed into the individual needs and goals.
People who actually want to be on a team don’t see it as a hardship to be on the team and don’t try to ‘resist’ it.
Likewise, in relationships, people who can’t resist being with you, don’t resist you. People who want to be with you will not run the risk of losing you. People who actually realise the possibilities of a relationship and see beyond serving their own needs, don’t see a relationship as hard work, or look at the other person as an ‘option’ or someone to get what they want from.
For those of you who genuinely want to find compatibility and love, I suggest you find a good running mate; a good team mate. You can keep choosing mates that you can try to build from the ground up and effectively try to teach fundamental basics, but your efforts may be futile because people who actually want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship come to the relationship with some level of basic decency and are open to learning, not because they’re being radicalised into being someone totally different, but because by learning more about themselves and how to be a team mate, whilst still being themselves, they grow and want to be the best they can be for themselves and whoever is at their sides.
In a good, healthy relationship, when you ‘win’, they ‘win’, and vice versa.
That’s not because you’ve merged and become co-dependent, but because you’re still individual enough to revel in the greater good of each others successes but also share the difficulties when things don’t go so well. You’re on the team, but you won’t assume too much and become complacent – you’ll make sure you’re both on board and nurture one another.
In a poor, dubious relationship with little or no boundaries, when they ‘win’, you lose.
There’s no two ways about it – people who are in dubious relationships with little or foundations and boundaries, will basically find that a lot of stuff gets done at their expense. If they want to stay on the team, they have to normalise bad behaviour and have little or no boundaries for it to work.
If you’re with someone who is happier than a pig in sh*t being a poor partner for any relationship, not just with you, it suggests that you need to get out and stop trying to turn a pigs ear into a silk purse. Even when you don’t have another person to be a team mate, you still have to be your own best buddy and act in the best interests of Team You, even in the face of uncomfortable, but necessary decisions.
Your thoughts?
My new ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, you can also get Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl.
Add to favorites
No wonder I always felt so alone in the relationship, I was the only one who was really there. These past several posts have really made an impact on me. Yes the other day I was shaken by his one word “Friends??” email to me after my 4month imposed NC but it just takes time and knowing there will be good/bad days but sooner or later the good days surpass the bad ones.
….”you still have to be your own best buddy and act in the best interests of Team You, even in the face of uncomfortable, but necessary decisions”. So true NML, so true.
It is tough. The fact that you have felt alone whilst being in a relationship speaks volumes about him having at least a foot out the door. It’s true that when you know to expect that sometimes you’ll feel bad, it’s easier to deal with and it most definitely gets better.
I thank you for your posts. I can totally relate to this one, it speaks to the exact situation that I am going through now. Thank you!!
This is similar to what I’m learning about what counseling and helping really means in one of my classes for one of my degrees in Human Services. The point of that class is so that we don’t end up like the other Human Service professionals who are no longer recognizable because they have had their life force drained from being martyrs—taking on their client’s responsibilities for them rather than leaving the client’s responsibilities to the client. To simply put it, it is us learning to say no.
@Brokenbutstrong You’re welcome 🙂
@Vanna Yep, it’s the same thing. We’re absorbing too much of someone else’s problems and absolving them of their responsibility and at the same time removing our own power
Hi NML, Brilliant just what i needed to hear to remind me and snap me back into reality. It almost reads just like my past relationship just add the hot/cold, setting up huge expectations one minte then taking them away the next, mood swings and its it !!!! Perfectly put and very wise 🙂
Thank you.
Excellent, VERY enlightening! I just can’t decide which is you very best post. Absolutely ALL have a point. This spoke to me very much. Thank you for writting!!
@Trinity Thank you and glad to help. Stay cool and stay real 🙂
@Katty Thank you! They’ll all no doubt speak to you in different ways.
great post. i have certainly done these things, and the only result is that i felt lonely, yet i was supposed to be in a relationship with this guy. he was content because his boat wasn’t rocked, whilst putting in little to no effort. and it’s only now i realize it was because he didn’t value me, so why WOULD he put forth any? i was just ‘miss right now’ for him. and that is why no matter what i tried to be or give, hold in, ignore, etc. guess what he still ditched me! but i am so thankful he did because that was the last in a long line of eum i will EVER waste time on. all that work and analyzing and trying to be 2 for 1 got me nothing. i wish now i had expressed myself, made it clear from the start of any nonsense that i wasn’t having it and followed through. i hate that i stifled myself for the sake of being a couple with that p.o.s. you cannot control anything they do, you cannot focus all on their alleged needs, or kill yourself trying to get some specific result. no one should have to practically keep tapping a guy on the shoulder saying ‘excuse me…i’m a person deserving of your respect. hello…remember me?’ the very moment you stay and try holding out hope for someone to love and respect you is the very moment you have assured these guys you hold neither of those things dear for yourself.
Yes…I have definetly been in this type of “relationship”. To be honest I have been on both sides I have been both the reluctant and willing partner. When Mr. UA started mirroring many of my own issues, instead of running I stayed and watched his lack of willingness unfold…and for a while I did things only on his terms. I was unhappy with what I was getting…. or rather not getting. I soon understood how frustrating it must have been for the person in my previous relationship. It’s really hard to do a reality check with yourself….I am struggling with that right now.
@mE “no one should have to practically keep tapping a guy on the shoulder saying ‘excuse me…i’m a person deserving of your respect. hello…remember me?’ the very moment you stay and try holding out hope for someone to love and respect you is the very moment you have assured these guys you hold neither of those things dear for yourself.” Amen! Don’t hate yourself – now you know what you will not put yourself through again because you know what it feels like and you know the net result.
Yes it feels horrible….it makes me realize the importance of NC.
I wonder if there isn’t a different way to look at laziness.
Sometimes what is called laziness is differently motivated – but I think much of the time the issue is really rebellion, opposition to the task or project. Disrespect for the one that initiated the project, distrust of the goals or some aspect, perhaps personal antipathy to those involved. Maybe a passive-resistance kind of rebellion as a plea for attention or validation.
Sometimes “laziness” is clinical depression.
The reason to mention this, is that calling your partner lazy because she/he won’t contribute, won’t participate – might be overlooking a serious disconnect in communication and goals. When he/she isn’t pulling their weight – ask if there is a reason they don’t care about “winning” or completing the task.
For the discussion here – instead of laziness, oft times failing to put effort into a relationship could be a red flag. The offending party might not be interested, might not care, or possibly is afraid of what the relationship is or where it is headed. It is possible the partner has *found* everything wanted – a cuddly bed partner and occasionally some social recreation. Lack of effort might be a reasonable choice, given a different agenda.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Read the fine print, then watch against changes =-.
As always you have an interesting and very valid perspective. But they certainly don’t share the motivations or the common goal – as you say, they have a different agenda. It’s about being real though instead of trying to force the person into cooperating with your agenda through resistance even though that agenda may not be something that is wanted. Likewise, it’s also about recognising that when you say the goal is X and the other says or clearly shows that their goal is Y, we have to stop trying to impose our agenda and realise that we’re not on the same page playing for the same team.
Thank you! I needed this today.
Yes that’s also been me in my “addicted to bad boys” past.Plotting,planning,scheming,over thinking,waiting,playing games,while all the while living out this fairytale in my head that one day in the future of gaga land, we would sail off into the sunset together and be the perfect, passionate couple. I think I even had the orchestras and violins ready as well.[lol].Meantime he was merrily getting on with his life,enjoying the shags /ego strokes/ whataever,unaware of the soap opera he was part of.Or perhaps aware of it and continuing his lazy ways, cos after throwing an odd hizzy fit here and there, I was normalising and accepting his lack of effort.Thank god I have put those days behind me and thank you Natalie for reality reminding me and keeping me grounded by posting these great articles.
@Michelle – No probs!
@Kay It’s true that they don’t realise that they’re a part of a soap opera! I often think if we let them know what we were *really* thinking, they’d back away quicker. In fact if we gave voice to a lot of the stuff rolling around in our heads, we’d soon gain a lot more perspective – lol!
How I wish I could print this off and give it to the other woman in my unhealthy triangle, but I can’t and even if I did she is still in the ‘blinkers on’ stage and is still trying to fulfill her dream of a fulfilling relationship with the AC.
Over the past 5 years he has managed to manouvre both her and me into a position where we both give him exactly what he wants, all without seeming to actually DO anything. It’s not thought out or planned, he just does what he wants most of the time, and appears to give in to our demands now and again, and it got both of us hooked.
I realised many years ago that I was the one putting the effort into everything and he was along for the ride so stopped, and he quickly found a more accomodating replacement. OW does everything for him, buys him everything,organises his holidays, now she’s moving in to take care of his flat and cook for him, and she will also now have no income, no family and no friends. Of course to these men this is a sign of total adoration and love, and a cue for them to treat the woman badly, they know all too well that she is well and truly hooked.
I read something a long time ago which also explained the dynamics in these relationships very well. Imagine yourself in a rowing boat, rowing towards this excitement or that one, and your partner is sitting behind you, VERY happy to be rowed to wherever. Then stop rowing and imagine what will happen, you may drift, you may drown, for sure you will not go forward, your partner is probably asleep or even worse has jumped out to be with someone else.
Once I realised this I stopped doing anything proactive to see what happened, he then took to making more of an effort, which of course I took as a sign of his ‘connection’ with me, and I’ve not managed to separate emotionally -but that’s another story.
Bottom line, get honest with yourself and if you’re the one doing all the work, try stepping back a bit and see the reaction!
“Then stop rowing and imagine what will happen, you may drift, you may drown, for sure you will not go forward, your partner is probably asleep or even worse has jumped out to be with someone else.” Brilliant. Many women think it’s ok to be the solo rower – it’s not. It speaks volumes about the other person and the type of relationship you have. It’s easy to think you’re doing it in the interests of the both of you but you end up alone – with or without them.
Recently found out that AC has got back with his longterm fallback (going on 7 years on and off, still hasn’t acknowledged her publicly though he’s now only with her as far as i know). We only had something going five months and it blew up when we women found out about each other’s existence, over a year ago. So even though I’m glad to be away from him and know more than enough about him to know he is completely toxic – utterly self-absorbed, deceitful, emotional coward, which would be so much easier to take if it were intentional, but it’s due to background and mental issues too i think .. anyway, even though my brain knows this i can’t believe that the knowledge they got back together is so hurtful…
Trying to deal with it has brought something positive though, was reading the fantastic advice here, as ever, and hit this analogy which i think i might have improved on, it really made me truly digest the often stated point here not to envy the OW who gets him after you, it will all go wrong soon enough:
So, trying to have a relationship with these guys is like rowing a boat with them, he has one oar and you have the other. The idea is to row into the future together but what actually happens is that you (or she, it doesn’t matter at all) is the only one rowing (he may be the player purposefully pretending to row, but not actually, or in my case, he just doesn’t have a clue how to row). And so predictably, you (or she) keep rowing around in circles. After a while you get frustrated and leave the boat, maybe (I know she did this repeatedly while he promised to sort himself out), but if you get back in together the same thing is just going to happen over and over again, doesn’t matter if he puts in a bit of effort at the beginning to kid you it’s different this time. So the only solution really is to get out of the boat for good or else kick him out and take over both oars and row off some place else – both very hard to do on your own, true, but there’s no other way.This thought _really_ made me realize she’s doomed and that i haven’t lost a thing.
Actually, reading this makes me cringe. Ive been in an awful relationship for 3 yrs with an addict who last year went into recovery. Anyway we split last August, I got into another thing v quickly then finished it. Addict comes back tells me he loves me, I believe him, however I had’nt gotten over the first rejection and was in such a mess, ie in the talking and thinking to much modeand just kept on and on about his recovery Blah Blah Blah actually becoming obsessive. and he has just told me Im not the one and he didnt love me. The thing is all the signs where there and I just dint listen it took him to atually scream at me that I was too ill for him to be with! now that hurt. To be honest I dont blame him, I dont love myself anymore, I dont know who I am or how to fit in with anyone. How the flippin heck cld I expect him to love me. He was out within 3 weeks of coming back, but I just kept clinging on and explaing and convincing him. Im totally ashamed.
@Peacefrog Whatever his problems are down to, the net result is that it’s not a healthy situation. You no doubt feel rejected by him because you wanted things to be different and to be the ‘exception’. In reality, you snatch back your power by realising that it was doomed and that it doesn’t work for you – rejecting his behaviour. You’re right – you haven’t lost anything in the wider sense because what you thought could be didn’t exist.
@Nicola I really feel for you and I hope that you are OK. These things are incredibly painful and it sounds like you got lost in your feelings. He is a prime example of why it is dangerous to be a fixer/healer/helper with someone who is an addict – there issues take precedence and if you want them in spite of their problems which existed long before you were there, when they deal with their problems, they associate you with the negative part of their life, the negative cycle. I think that instead of knee-jerking into anything else, grieve the loss of the relationship and understand why you felt the need to try to help an addict – what were you trying to heal within yourself etc. Don’t open yourself up to further pain by engaging further. Step back so you can get some perspective. Hugs x
Any man that I have to convince to be in a relationship with me; doesn’t belong with me. I will NEVER be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have TWO FEET IN! Excellent posts as always!
Indeed! Trying to ‘sell’ the idea of yourself to someone is a futile experience!
I’ve read many posts here, but this one really struck me. It struck me on two levels. The first, I once was the exception to the rule. A major exception to the rule. At the time, I read all the statistics and I thought, hmmm maybe, but HE will leave her for me and he did. Well, I am here to say becareful what you wish for because it might come true. Being that coveted exception has brought me over 10 years of misery. Not because he is an assclown, at least not the kind we discuss here, but because of all the baggage he brought along with him. It has been a living nightmare. The second, as I recover from my experience of being an exception, I have found myself wishing to be an exception again. Again!! Who am I kidding besides myself? Does lightening strike twice in the same place? Who wins the lottery twice? And yet, I cannot convince myself I will NOT be the exception this time. And I cannot make myself understand I probably don’t want to be based on past experience. Moreover, this new guy is an assclown in the truest sense of the word. I think that what I am trying to say is that I really understand how hard it is to shake this delusion despite all evidence to the contrary and even while having much experience in knowing all the glitters is not gold.
I really enjoyed this thoughtful post. While it leans towards romantic relationship advice I was able to apply it to a very longstanding friendship that has, of late, become extremely upsetting to me. This post was IMMENSELY helpful in making me realize I have been letting this friend slide while I did all the work quite literally as we are a writing/performing duo. I don’t feel better (it’s actually quite daunting and I know now the partnership will definitely have to end) but I know I will after reflecting on this and taking action versus being a victim. Thanks so much.
Amazing insight and wisdom NML!!! I’ve been on this site for a year now and have learned an awful lot but it’s still been extremely hard trying to shake my AC/EUM!! I am a thirty five yr old smart woman who has been caught up in feeling sorry for him to the point where it’s made me a basket case trying to keep him around! well ladies i have shut the man-boy down once again and this time he came with an engagement ring!! what a nut!! he has put me through hell and has been disrespectful, dubious, ambivalent, deceitful, and on and on.
it’s been almost two yrs of it and i wish i didn’t love him at all! he’s never had both feet in and when i would bitch about it he would pretend to be just to keep me around. I never actually caught him with anyone but there is a woman in NY that he’s been lying about the whole time! i found out he’s taking care of her financially and he expects me to be with him regardless!! I’m confused and tired! yet i’m wondering is this something i should deal with-
I have never felt “alone” in a relationship, until I had my recent one. NOW I know what that means. As long as things were going great for him, he didn’t think he had to do anything. NO effort. And even the “physical” stuff went out the window, even though he claimed he loved me. What was up with that?
I’m so sad after 3yrs of emotional commitment with my partner he is not willing/does not want to commit to me…..Feels good to put it down in writing I need to have NC from him,even though he say’s he has other things to think about his kid’s etc and the way it will impact on them I have children too and the same aplies for me…I have come through a divorce with him by my side expecting to have a future with him and security of a loving relationship….which he led me to believe we would have it all..he has turned cold and treats me like i’m a burden? high maintenance! and I feel that lets him off the hook to continue to do what he likes,when he likes, he is living the life if a batchelor…and treats me like a convenience….has his own home, good job, friends stay over weekly,goes to the pub when he likes activly plays sport on a weekend and expects me to take our children and sit and watch and even if we dont have children on our weekends off which is 4 days a month! I still have to sit there all day watching him! rain or shine..its like if I want to be with him and see him I have to do what he wants on his terms….he is a control freak..he has made me dependant upon him financialy which makes me feel out of control…HELP 🙁