There’s a new episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!
Here’s what I cover in episode 25:
Understanding the key reason why our relationships don’t work out. It’s easy to get lost in the minutiae of what went down in our relationship and to find ourselves engaging in self-blame or pointing fingers at the other party without recognising the bigger picture—that it’s about incompatibility. | The post I mentioned in the segment, Understanding Why Some Relationships Don’t Work Out
Why aren’t we enjoying our birthdays? From bad memories of birthday parties, forgotten birthdays, gift disappointments, to absent loved ones, negative associations with growing older, unrealistic or never communicated expectations and more, so of us really are not enjoying our birthdays! I also delve into uncovering what the baggage is behind an issue in episode 2.
We’re irritating too. Much as we might have plenty to say about what irritates us in others, we can often have a blind spot about our own quirks.
Calming down from negative self-talk. This week’s listener needs tips for calming herself down where she gets into a state of thinking and feeling awful things about herself. | 7 Steps For Calming Yourself Down When You’re In A Negative Self-Talk Spiral | Check out the How To Self-Soothe Quick Guide I mentioned. Also, the 30-day project, Tune In To Your Inner Voice (& Calm Down Your Inner Critic) is full of insight and strategies.
What I learned this week. My 8-year-old reminded me that sometimes we think that we’re in trouble when we really aren’t!
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Nat xxx
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After listening to this podcast twice, I read the referenced blog: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-relationships-dont-work-out/
Yes those points make sense. And I agree the end signifies incompatibility. I think it’s torturous to not have any clue what the issue was, because the ‘window of opportunity’ never appeared: just the escape hatch. For a few weeks now I’ve been seeing a new therapist after ending last summer. Without hesitation, she immediately and repeatedly used the word *narcissist* after speaking with me. She is the only person I talk with anymore about my continued state of upheaval. I still can’t shake the belief that maybe the essence of who I am repelled him. I mentioned that I’m approaching a year of not going on a date, or even being asked. She appeared genuinely surprised and said she wondered if maybe I’m giving off a bad vibe or something, but I responded that well, wouldn’t I at least attract ‘wrong’ people then as opposed to nobody?
And ughhh the birthday thing. Mine is soon and you touched on so many negative thoughts I have. I didn’t always have these thoughts, but I seriously want to skip the day because for me it’s one more year of not feeling ok. I DID used to be a thriver. USED to be. I like other people’s birthdays, just not my own anymore.
Maybe you could do a podcast on fraudulent/ narcissistic partners. I know it falls under the umbrella of unavailable and future faking, but I think there is that extra layer of deceit and betrayal that can leave a person feeling totally gutted.
Say Something,
There’s nothing wrong with not being on a date in a year. As Natalie says several times on this blog, taking a break from dating can actually be a good and healthy thing. Not going on dates doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or that you’re doing something wrong.
I think sometimes that society can place an unhealthy and unfair expectation on people, especially women, that there’s something “wrong” with them if they’re not currently partnered. I think it’s far more unhealthy to mindlessly hop from guy to guy without ever really getting to know one’s self. I’ve been single for four years, and, yes, I’ve gone on dates in that time, but I haven’t met anyone available that I felt truly passionate about starting a relationship with. I think it’s important to weed out the time-wasters as well as the guys who make great platonic friends, but you just don’t see a strong attraction developing there.
In all honesty, I think I probably could have been in more than one relationship in the past few years, but I don’t regret choosing to be single for a moment. It’s been a healthy time of consciously choosing to focus on other things. If you are still in a “continued state of upheaval,” as you say, it might be a good idea to consciously step back from dating for awhile until you can approach it from a happier and calmer frame of mind. Yes, it is frustrating when you want a relationship *now,* but I truly believe that the time we spend focusing on ourselves will be invaluable when we consciously *choose* to step into a relationship again.
Hi Freedom,
While I appreciate your advice of stepping back, not dating, I also feel this is the “go to” answer that just keeps me stuck in the same cycle. I understand that being single and not dating does not mean that there is something inherently wrong with someone. Please let me explain, as I’m trying to move TOWARD, not away. I am NOT a relationship jumper whatsoever. Probably why 90% of my last 7-8 years has been completely alone. So I know what alone and single feels like. I get it. I feel it. I live it. I think it’s also hard to not even have the *choice* to be single. It’s by default. I have gone YEARS without anyone, or even being asked out. But constantly asked by others if I’m dating, seeing someone, in a relationship…. I live in the land of unicorns or I’m the ugly duckling. Maybe. I’m really not sure.
I took a full 18 months “off” while processing my divorce. 2008-2009.
I made my first attempts of a year or so of dating. Not productive.
Then I took 2.5 full years off in late 2010-early 2013. Took care of myself, and all I thought needed taking care of. Thought about what I wanted, what mattered, what was important to me. Lots of time off and time alone.
Tried again in 2013. Finished up with Relationship in 2014 (BGE) that brought me to BR. I can honestly say I still miss and grieve the person I THOUGHT I knew; the person I was happy with and believed shared that happiness with me. But that’s gone.
A break in 2014 for a few months. Many one and done dates (on-line) after, and a few weeks with a guy IRL, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing. Deleted the online profile last spring and I’m pretty sure I can’t go back to the likes of the dandelion slayer, the proud owner of a state liquor license, or guy who doesn’t kiss onion eaters. (Still a bit of my humor intact).
Almost an entire year off since spring 2015- present.
And all these times, working on myself. THOUSANDS OF HOURS (and dollars) and entire weekends spent researching, reflecting, reading, wondering, alone, doing coursework, trying to feel normal again. Months of therapy. Keeping up my activities. Trying new things. Removing social media from my personal life.
It makes me feel like I must be a huge f*ck up when the immediate answer is ALWAYS just be alone, don’t date, be single. How many MORE years do I have to do this? Most of my life is all in order: Work, home, health, finances, kids. It makes me really sad to think I’m unwelcome as a potential person to date. Sometimes I look around. I see/hear about people in the most dysfunctional relationships. I really think I’ve got it more ‘together’ than most people around me. Yet it doesn’t appear to matter. I don’t have any drama but my one crash and burn story that people don’t even know about. I don’t broadcast or discuss.
It’s like… I haven’t paid my dues; I’ve not recovered ENOUGH from feeling rejected and discarded so the answer is just stay alone longer and just feel those feelings for a few MORE years until maybe I wake up and decide that being alone feels SO good that NOW I’m finally worthy of meeting someone. Because feeling ‘cut-off’ is hurtful.
I DO appreciate your kind words, as it feels as if you’re trying to be helpful. It’s super frustrating for me I guess. So I’m focusing on trying to look like Jillian Michaels, since I have hours each day with nobody to talk to. Realistically I can’t be so disciplined, but I have to put my energy somewhere.
Again, thank you for responding.
Hey, Say Something,
Thank you for your response to my response. I’ve been following your journey. Although I only know you in this online setting, I do think about you and wonder how you’re doing. One thought I have in response to your remarks is that I actually believe the more “together” someone is, the harder it can be to find a potential mate. I have certainly experienced this for myself. I think it’s because, at this point, we are no longer looking for “the lowest common denominator,” so to speak. When we don’t need a man to meet our basic needs, the process becomes more focused on what we want, which I think actually makes it harder. Also, there’s a self-selective element of weeding out the guys who are going to feel threatened because they know that you can leave the relationship if you need to. I’ve talked to people (women) in real life who are experiencing the same thing: the “together” girls are feeling overlooked, watching men fall over themselves for the “damsel in distress” and they all find it just as frustrating as you do (including me). Now, obviously, this is a generalization. I’ve been through some hard times myself and even then, I think I unintentionally threatened some guys because I still had principals, still thought for myself, and wasn’t going to get bowled over the first dude who wanted to step in and “save” me (blech). I don’t know if any of this is helpful to you, but, at the very least, you are not alone!
Thank you Freedom,
I completely relate to what you’re saying. I take care of myself, make my own decisions, pay my own bills and mortgage, cut my own lawn, do my own taxes. I have raised my kids and continue supporting them as they attend college and transition into the ‘real’ world. One is still in high school. They have a father and I have NEVER looked for someone to take on that responsibility. There are some things I’m not so good at/dislike and sure it would be great to find someone that might take the lead on some of those things, but I guess I am quite selective as far as who I let in my life. Or so I’ve MEANT to be. I’m not looking to be ‘saved’ but rather just ‘valued’; by someone with a strong mind, reliable character, and kind heart. Someone active, healthy, and stable. Must love dogs. I don’t need someone who’s indecisive, unemployed, or unsure of himself. No addictions, attachments to exes, criminal history, or racists. Ok, seems pretty straight forward and reasonable, or maybe I’m delusional. I think these qualities are reflective of some of my prime values, so I am not willing to compromise. Did I describe a unicorn? Sometimes a unicorn is a narcissist in disguise.
This is how Ive been feeling for the last two years. Never in my life did I think Id feel this alone for this long. While I work on myself…I feel like I must be being punished for something..