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Back in 2009, following what at the time I considered to be an alarming number of emails and comments from readers who had been burned by an ex that had contacted them via their alumni site or Facebook, I wrote about the trap of the returning childhood ‘sweetheart’. You know who I’m talking about – they’re normally just fresh out of a relationship, possibly with the person they burned you for all of those years ago, or they’re actually literally just separating or just fishing around on email wanting to chat about ‘old times’ which soon head into steamy territory.
If you respond, you’re either delighted to hear from them because it’s a huge source of validation after possibly never fully getting over them, or you have “What if?” curiosity and convince yourself it’s ‘serendipity’… even if the last time you were in touch, it was to slap them with a restraining order.
Over the past three years, thanks to Facebook (or Fauxbook or Fakebook depending on your feelings towards it), incidences of having your heart broken by someone from your past who returned into your life in a blaze of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding glory are frighteningly common. I’m still genuinely surprised that people find hook ups and new dating prospects on Facebook, or even manage to juggle several flirtations at the same time on there.
The Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ is basically fantasy relationship territory.
It’s not that there aren’t incidences of people who lost touch under healthy circumstances who bump into one another randomly or end up reconnecting at a group gathering, but I just don’t understand why so many people think that there is a fairy tale and a pot of gold at the end of the crumb communication rainbow, where someone who didn’t treat you with love, care, trust and respect all of those years ago, or someone who cheated, or broke your heart, or even ditched you while you were pregnant, or just wasn’t a great person and had a penchant for telling lies… is now a ‘happy ending’. What the what now?
Too many people want the fairy tale and too many people are stuck in the past.
The problem with the Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ is that they get back in touch because when they flick through their mental Roladex of people who think that the sun shines out of their arse, are still likely to hold them in high esteem and are likely to drop everything for the possibility of being with them, or will at least stroke their ego and engage in some sexting or a weekend fling, they think of… you.
They’re stuck in the past too and in an eagerness to press their Reset Button and connect with a part of them that’s seen better days (or is even extinct…) , they use you like a time travelling machine to feel ‘young’ or ‘sexy’ or whatever again. They often have a few ‘Poor, Poor Me Tales, or even This One Time At Band Camp yawnathons, or have casually omitted their partner and children from their lives, and will lay the charm on thickly with a trowel.
In your eagerness to live the dream, you might be willing to hit your own Reset Button and act like however many years haven’t passed by. Especially if they claim that they have a lot of regrets, your heart may swell in excitement that you’re being validated and vindicated because you think that they’ve missed out on having a good life because they weren’t with you (like some sort of ‘punishment’ for not choosing you), and now you can ride off into the sunset. You may believe that they’re ‘rightfully yours’ because you were with them first and if you’ve been through your fair share of trauma in your life, this ‘romance’ might feel like everything is finally coming together for you.
You may find that you both have two different memories of your time together. You remember that while you were in love with them, that you were unhappy, that you were often on your own, or had to watch them flirt with others, or that they weren’t very nice to you. They’ve repainted your past together as a wonderful time where you were both so madly in love and thwarted by ‘outside forces’.
They may end up patronising you by talking about you as if you’re still the age you were back then. “You’re so shy – I bet you still don’t have a lot of friends..” All this while you have lots of friends. Or “Gosh, I’m so surprised that you’re running a company now.”
Even if you did have a great time together ‘back then’, you might realise that they’re not the same person. When you come down off your cloud, you notice that they talk about themselves a lot, that they seem to be unable to manage to be single for more than about two seconds, that they have anger issues, or seem to talk the talk but don’t have much to show for it.
What I do know with 100% certainty is that someone who comes back into your life after a lengthy period of time if they are a genuine person with honourable intentions, will not try to pretend that X amount of years haven’t passed and attempt to pick up where they left off. They won’t get in touch before they’re even separated or not too long after they have, they won’t attempt to hide parts of their past, they certainly won’t try to act like you don’t need to get to know one another in the present day, and they certainly won’t be Future Faking and Fast Forwarding. They won’t.
I can also safely say that they won’t communicate primarily by text, email, or Facebook (yes I’ve heard of entire sagas taking place on Facebook email/messenger) and they won’t ask for nude shots or keep pushing things towards meeting up for sex.
I have seen all too often the devastation that is caused by having someone who already left their mark on you in the past, come back and do you over again. It’s like having your house robbed twice by the same thieves – bad enough once, but the second time feels so insulting because it feels like they spotted something about you that says “Soft target, must rob again.” It’s easy to rake over things and wonder why someone would do this. Yeah there are some very shady types, but often, it’s a mixture of nostalgia and overestimating their capacity.
But this is real life and you can’t afford to be someone’s time travelling machine or confidence booster that essentially gives them a clean bill of health after they’ve messed up in other areas of their life, like “Well, I’ve been married five times, had a drug addiction, sex addiction, and am actually broke as hell but I mustn’t be too bad because Natalie still loves me anyway and sees potential in me.”
What you have to be careful of is being so invested in this fantasy of being rescued from a life you don’t want or having someone ‘change’ into the person you want and come back to get you, that you leave your proverbial windows and doors open by betting on potential.
They’re just not that special and you’re just not that desperate that you have to be fishing around in your past trying to reconnect with someone that should be left alone. It’s not that people don’t change – some people do – but you need to ask yourself how much validation your ego needs that no matter how much time has passed, you want to have a chance at being with someone who previously treated you badly? Also just because someone gets back in touch it doesn’t mean your default setting has to be We’re going to get together and live happily ever after.
There are genuine childhood sweethearts out there. You know first loves, broke up because they were young and yada yada. If they were genuinely this person, it’s understandable to be curious, but if they weren’t, I’d proceed with caution or hit ‘block’ on Facebook…
Your thoughts?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is now available from my bookshop along with with Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. You can also check out my ecourses.
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This is absolutely spot on Natalie! I originally found the Baggage Reclaim website after breaking it off with my childhood sweetheart. He was dishonest and a cheater when we were younger, and for some reason I was surprised when he was exactly the same 25 years later! The worst (or maybe the best) part was that he would diminish my achievements and make assumptions about me based on how I was as a teenager, or how he thought women/girls are. It ended for me at 2 o’clock one morning when I woke up thinking “No! I deserve better than this! I am brave and strong and a pretty amazing woman and I deserve better than someone who treats me like this!!”. It was my first strong sign of having any self esteem at all, and it made me proud of myself. 😉
“What I do know with 100% certainty is that someone who comes back into your life after a lengthy period of time if they are a genuine person with honourable intentions, will not try to pretend that X amount of years haven’t passed and attempt to pick up where they left off.”
Oh yes, oh hellllll yes! I like to think of it this way: If I rekindled a platonic friendship with someone from high school that I hadn’t seen in a decade, would I fastforward through the pleasantries and launch into a bunch of highly personal anecdotes the first time I met them for lunch? No, because it would be off-putting and uncomfortable. For everyone. Likewise, if someone who was a d*ck to you a decade ago shows up (on FACEBOOK…oy vey), skips the pleasantries and goes right for naked pictures, it should be off-putting and uncomfortable. Again, for everyone involved. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that people with good intentions genearlly aren’t trying to take shortcuts. This goes double if they’re trying to take a shortcut into your pants! Having fallen for shenanigans like this in the past (helll, a couple of times it was an assclown from way back when – and by “way back when”, I mean “six to eight months prior.” AHEM.), it’s amazing how downright unappealing this kind of foolishness is when you get your self esteem and relationship thinking on the right track.
p.s. That intro…ohmygod. Lionel was on Chelsea Lately few weeks ago and he’s still got it. Bless his heart!
Wow, this is like a really really really bad case of fantasy relationship!
yes it does its okay to have that fantasy relationship with them in your head but you hurt real people and actually act on these fantasies big trouble occurs theres some arguement that even states its not a good idea to have these fantasy relationships with them in your head that its taking something away from your current relationship it can go both ways it can turn you on and you givwe all that love to your current significant other or it takes away depends on you
He was my first love teenage sweetheart… he treated me well… but as adults there was the promise of a relationship and it never became one… when I read the bit about requesting nude photos, I stopped reading and went onto facebook and blocked him. Thank you for that detail because it clarified things. All I can say is that I wrote a rather amazing love song about him recently, so I got something lasting out of it. I haven’t played it to him either, it’s just for myself and it makes me feel good. So maybe I can keep the fairytales in my head for entertainment, but not make myself available for being used just because it’s such a romantic story… to fall back in love as adults… well I am worth more than that and I’m not going to experience it if he’s asking me for nude photos etc… luckily I didn’t fall for that one. But I was a bit upset that he asked… because deep down, I think I knew what that meant. I just didn’t want to think about that because the daydream cheered me up… so I guess he is gone and whatever it was is over now. So I am available for a new relationship just in case that ever happens…
I didn’t have someone from years ago contact me, but from a few months ago.
I got a text at 4am from him that read:
“Through it all you were one of the best girlfriends I’ve ever had. I hope you find what you deserve.”
I was flabbergasted…I wasn’t his girlfriend…in fact that was the problem! He wanted a casual relationship between me and some other girl so I opted out and cut contact. What is this mind effery?!
Did he forget that he didn’t wan’t to be monogamous or the fact that he didn’t like long distance?
What is his deal??
(And no…I didn’t respond…hardest thing ever.)
He was most probably drunk and sentimental. Do not give a drunk message attention it doesn’t deserve.
He probably confused you with somebody else, punched the wrong number,
He doesn’t drink….I think he knew exactly what he was doing, since he didn’t want to “lose” me.
heather
don’t get derailed by a text. it’s only a text and what it says doesn’t amount to much either.
Well done for not responding.
The last thing you want, believe me, is a jacked up text “relationship”. I had one of those for six months with a returning childhood “sweetheart”. What a complete and utter ass he turned out to be.
Yes, this situation is also what brought me to Baggage Reclaim. All absolutely true, he contacted me 3 months after a 10 year relationship, got engaged straight away. Now, in large part thanks to NML, I can see exactly what that was – fear on his part, grabbing the first life vest, and a niggling resurfaced guilt on my part for breaking up with him before.
Since then he’s been and gone (his choice), and I’m so glad! It’s so well and truly over, and although I regret answering his first email after 20 years and wasting another 18 months and lots of money I couldn’t afford with him, it does mean that any and all nostalgic thoughts about him are completely gone and I am completely free! It seems I was only in remission before:)
Oddly also feel stronger too and much less likely to be used again – I guess it helped that I didn’t beg and and was strong with NC etc – left with self-respect intact.
Hello,hope all r fine
I was reading in a book by robin norwood (women who love too much, when u keep wishing and hoping he will change)
Sometimes when we come from dysfunctional families, we become addicted to men and to emotional pain
In the words of stanton pole author of love and addiction. An addictive experience is one which absorbs a person consciousness, and as with analgesics, relieves their sense of anxiety and pain. There is perhaps nothing quite as good for absorbing our consciousness as a love relationship of a certain type. An addictive relationship is characterized by a desire for another person’s reassuring presence… The second criterion is that it detracts from a person’s ability to pay attention to and deal with other aspects of her life.
We use our obsession with the men we love to avoid our pain, emptiness, fear, and anger. We use our relationship as drugs, to avoid experiencing what we would feel if we held still with ourselves. The more painful intractions with our mam, the greater the distraction he provides us. without a man on whom to focus, we go into withdrawl, oftem with many of the same physical and emotional symptoms of that state that accompany actual drug withdrawl:nausea, sweating, chills, obsessive thinking,depression,inability to sleep, anxiety attacks and others. In an effort to relieve these symptoms, we return to our last partner or desperately seek new one. Your thoughts?
This is so funny and timely! I had the same situation. My mother contacted this guy I had been friends with back in the day. We crushed on each other at different times but all in all I found him to be a Jr. Assclown, flirting with my friends, creating epic dramas, pushing for sex and cockblocking me even though we were never in a relationship. 20 years later she contacts him and he eagerly responds and gives her his numbers and email addys to pass on. Months later I call and he’s completely weird and off putting. He complains that he’s not a kid anymore and talks about having grown up but then talks to me as if I’m still a 13 year old with braces and a super crush. I’m a grown-ass woman with a few long term relationships under her belt and far higher standards than when I was 13! We connect on FB and he starts flirting on FB suggesting we are getting together in person when I thought we were just old buddies keeping in touch.. I don’t flirt back. It was all a weird show he was putting on. Turns out he has a string of women he plays all while being in a relationship with someone who’s apparently trying to buy his love. Crazy.
Wail! I wish I had read this article three years ago before I fell prey to this type of emotional unavailability.I thought I had seen them all. Mea culpa, though, for not seeing the never-married-yet-over-40 distancer that he is.
I believed the whole “I never married because I never got over you” bullshit line that he liked to repeat to everyone. Three years later and six weeks post-breakup, this article was the illumination I needed to get to the heart of why it didn’t work, why I was only happy in the beginning when I bought into the fantasy but then began to see the real man and the real emotional unavailability. Because of my own deep needs, I was sucked into the assclown’s vortex for awhile…but not forever! Ladies, get out of this situation before you throw good years after bad.
Elle Minnow
Love the expression of the assclowns vortex! We have all been THERE, and now we are now HERE on BR, living and learning and gaining insight. I bless the day I found this web site. The good thing is we are wiser now. I struggled as well to understand what the hell was going on, I was throwing away good years but not now. The good thing is its taught me a lot and what I do want in a relationship. NEVER AGAIN!
Help!
I am struggling so much right now. Was in an addictive relationship for almost 2 years and trying to get out is so hard! I stooped yesterday to accusing him of replacing me with his ‘female friend/ co-worker’ after he told me how much they talk, spend time together, it is so platonic, etc.
I just snapped and said I know she is my replacement. He got angry and said he does not have to be subjected to my offensive comments (only time I have ever done this) and told me never to call or write again. I immediately apologized, and have been sitting on my hands ever since. This is crazy!!
We broke up b/c he cheated on me and lied to me, and I had been NC for almost 2 weeks before this, and he had sent me a nice message after I tried to call and then I went bitchy on him. That is not who I am. It hurt so much to hear he does not want to communicate with me. I just want to stop wanting him….I know it is a quest for validation that I am losing.
I feel like I am acting like that crazy EUM who won’t go away!
biker
You’re making it harder on yourself by remaining in contact with him.
Here’s the newsflash – he will meet someone new and, so will you, if you stop stalking him.
Commit to NC and a better future.
Bikergirl,
The operative words are, “he cheated on me and lied to me.” What part of this relationship is worth fighting for? There’s certainly no relationship worth demeaning yourself. I say this kindly: You are acting desperate, and that’s a no-win situation…. especially when you’re chasing after a loser. He’s not willing to work it out, and it can only work if there’s two of you invested. Time to walk away.
You feel desperate because you’ve convinced yourself you need his validation, because your self-esteem is in the toilet. Save yourself, flush this relationship instead, get ready for the pain (you’ll survive; just read BR), and work on building your self-esteem so that you can find a happy, mutually loving relationship. There’s no other way around this.
Dear bikergrl
He LIED.
He CHEATED.
The nice message may have been sent out of guilt. Why did he have to tell you about this female co-worker, the time he is spending talking with her, he should have been talking with you, the time he is spending together with her, he should have been spending with you. I am not against having friends of the opposite sex in the workplace or anywhere else but it seems that although he says its platonic, he must have a level of attraction to her to want to share so much of his personal life. As you said this is the first time you have let your angries out, and sorry to say that his equally angry response to not call or write to him makes me feel that he was ready to move on. You deserve so much more. Maintain no contact, sit on your hands, stand on your head if you have to but do not contact him. He is a lier and a cheater and he will never change.
bikergirl-
here’s the similarity between you and me:
you were probably RIGHT when you told him that his work friend was a replacement for you.
you were probably RIGHT to call him out on it (although shooting anger at guys rarely works and generally causes them to do what he did, retreat to some fictional moral high ground that, in his mind, you handed him, so the mechanism of telling him about himself, and the telling itself, is WRONG).
i, in a prior incarnation, would have probably done both things.
where you and i both go WRONG is in sticking around, apologizing, trying to win back his approval, when he has repeatedly demonstrated it isn’t worth having.
bottom line: had you, after going bitchy on him, told him to get lost and stuck to this, you would have been better off. or, just avoid going bitchy and do not engage.
the thing is, we aren’t wrong in our assessments – but we doubt ourselves and do not act accordingly.
stop aiming so low. you are worth more than this, only you don’t believe it. you must start believing it.
Very, very well said Rana. It has helped me alot though not eased the pain of the returning a/c, to see the connection to the dysfunction junction that is, sadly, my birthright.
With facebook it makes it so much easier, like if you are older someone might add you on facebook and it’s the first glimpse into their life you have had since you lost contact but with people who are younger, like my generation, chances are unless you deleted them or they deleted you, then they will have been on your facebook for the whole time, so they probably feel like they still know you because they can see who you are with, what you are doing at the click of a button.I think the validation thing is really sad, because I know that if the recent EUM got in contact with me, I wouldn’t want him back but I would like to see that he thinks I’m worth thinking about, and I want to change, I want to feel good in myself but it’s just figuring out how.I feel really sad and down recently and I think it’s because it’s the first time I have been properly single ( like I am actively trying to stay single) for ages, which worries me, I don’t want to have to have someone loving me (or acting like they do) to be happy, because then when they take it away you have nothing.Thanks for another good article, I really look forward to coming on here and hearing peoples thoughts and things x
“We broke up 28 years ago”…this cracked me up because it is so true! I havnt had anyone come back after that long but my first boyfriend came back after 3 years. Funny we broke up because he moved away but he’d been back 6months when he called. Seems he just broke with his gf of a year. Yep I was the first person he thought of, yep I thought it was destiny. I was only 18, so my fbg ways started early. Needless to say we dated about 4 weeks then he got back together with his gr. Go figure, that was 27 years ago. It’s the same as it ever was and ain’t nothin new under the sun.
I had an old high school boyfriend “friend” me on facebook. He was a sweet kid back then and we drifted apart when I moved away to go to college. No hard feelings, no bittersweet breakup. I didn’t see him for 25 years.
One night he was a guest at a private club (I’m a member) and he ran into a mutual friend. He had the friend call me and ask me to come down for a drink. We ended up staying up most of the night talking about the things we had been doing. He was divorced and had custody of his two children, was gainfully employed, had a home of his own and really seemed to have his $hit together.
It didn’t take two dates before he got so drunk that he couldn’t drive himself home. He wouldn’t leave the club and his MOTHER tracked him down and begged me to drive his car home. His MOTHER drove me back to my car so that I could go home. I’m such a forgiving idiot – a heartfelt apology was all it took for me to give him another chance. After the third date he suggested we visit one of his old friends. That old friend was sitting at his kitchen table stirring up a substance that he kindly informed me was crack cocaine and there were 20 year old girls hanging around, snorting Xanax. (I had to ask what the drugs were because I just didn’t know). I left and old BF followed. I took him home and his MOTHER thanked me for getting him out of there because, don’t you know it, he went through rehab and they don’t want him doing drugs again. It seems he abused crack cocaine and alcohol, while his wife was addicted to prescription pain meds and Xanax. That was enough for me. I’m effing history. Except it wasn’t over for him.
I went back to my private club one night and there he was. He was drunk, buying drinks and flirting with a married woman. He spent all of his money then asked if I would lend him some. I said NO and he began verbally abusing me. He and the married woman left together, he still screaming at me as they were walking out the door. I deleted him from my facebook and told him not to contact me again. But that still wasn’t enough. He came to my home and asked why I didn’t want to be “friends” anymore. I told him didn’t have the energy to deal with addictions and abuse. He got down on his knees and begged my forgiveness. I said no, sorry, I just don’t have it in me to forgive right now. We lived without each other just fine for 25 years and we would make it through the next 25 much the same.
I’m not sure why he thought I would accept any of this. I suppose he thought I was still a carefree teenager, the same good “friend” and sexual partner I was in high school. What I couldn’t get through to him was that somewhere along the line I grew up. I don’t think he ever did.
Hello everyone! I am so glad I found this site! I have been having issues with an EUM for 5 years now. This man told me from the beginning that he wasn’t ready for a relationship…but i pushed thinking that I could change him. He was very cold and distant for the first 3 years…but over the course of the last 2 he has talked about a future for us. He brings up having children, a home, and getting married. Although this is the case, he says he is not ready for a commitment and won’t be until he is 30 (he is 27, I am 26). He doesn’t disappear, texts me everyday and tells me that he loves spending time with me and that i know him better than anyone. I just feel like i’m being used. I can’t get away from him!
I’m also bitter because about 2 years ago he had a 7 month relationship with a girl and failed to tell me about it until 4 months in when i told him that I was engaged. How can he tell me that he isn’t ready for commitment but then date another person?
When I try to get away from him he calls and texts incessantly and tells me that I’m being childish and that the things he says are true. I’ve been reading articles on this site and I know now that i’ve created a fantasy in my mind and that I’m devaluing myself by waiting…but its so hard to stop. I text him and told him I was moving on and he is trying to reel me back in. NC starts tomorrow!
I also have a very loving boyfriend who I have fun with, treats me well, is funny, attractive and just plain amazing. I feel like I’m not giving 100% to him because I’m sitting around creating alternate realities about the other guy in my mind. How can I stop this cycle and move forward?!
Anna
Cut him off, out of respect to your boyfriend if not for yourself! I would hate it if the man I was seeing was texting another woman every day. I would consider it deceitful and disrespectful. And texting is crumbs, it’s not worth putting your life on hold for texts.
Cold and distant for THREE YEARS?! Have you no pride?
“How can he tell me that he isn’t ready for commitment but then date another person?”
Wrong question.
How can YOU flap around with two men? How. Anna, how? Choose. Make a decision and stick to it. It’s called growing up and I say that kindly as someone who avoided decisions for years and ended up in one mess after another.
You can’t keep all options open. That’s what commitment implies. Yes, there is an element of risk in that but what’s the alternative?
You stop by stopping. There isn’t a magic moment where it all becomes easy and painless. It does require work but at least it’s fruitful labour, rather than FIVE YEARS of nonsense.
Anna it doesn’t seem like you are trying too hard to get away from him.
It is also seems like you only have a texting calling relationship so if you really want this man to go away change your number.
I agree with Grace you have to make a choice about which man you want and commit to that man you are completely disrespecting your boyfriend by engaging with the eum.
The eum has given you his topline data “I am not ready for a relationship” and he has stayed true to his word he has never given you any indication otherwise.
Grace/Tulipa:
I know that you are both right….it has been hard for me because i’ve really put him on a pedestal that he does NOT deserve. I have changed my number once before(right after I found out that he was in a relationship), and then his Mother emailed me saying that he “only talked about [me] the whole time they were together” and that she “always knows when we aren’t talking because he is very upset.” I’ve settled for these crumbs knowing that he sleeps with other women and hasn’t changed his tune in 5 years. This situation is something i’ve never dealt with before…Ive always had a very loving/healthy relationship…never felt like I wasn’t good enough for this man. I’ve tried so hard to change myself (he would tell me I was fat at 5’3 110lbs, that his friends thought I was ugly, that I was lazy and that my happiness depended on a man and he isn’t ready for that responsibility), but I’m starting to realize that it was him using the power that I GAVE HIM in order to manipulate me. He also says that something is missing in my relationship with my bf that makes me go back to him and that I am not happy; when he is out of the picture my relationship runs smoothly and I know I’m with the man that I want to marry. (my bf is so supportive, positive and genuinely loves me for me unconditionally; sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be treated well and that is why I run to this monster; so he can validate my inadequacies). The second he comes around I start to doubt my relationship and this isn’t fair or healthy. I have to do the right thing for my sake and realize that I’ve been living a fantasy and allowing a EUM to dictate my life for 5 years! If he didn’t commit after 5 years of bringing me around his family and using me as a crutch, he never will! Nor do I want to be with someone who treats me badly, is insensitive and doesn’t even lift a finger to keep me in his life when I say I’m leaving for good!
I appreciate the blunt and honest words and I need them to stay strong! I am alone in this as everyone is sick of listening and just tells me to “move on” and that he is trash. If he is trash what does that make me? Someone that chases trash…Today is day 1 NC and I feel that I can really stay away this time if I stay on this site and allow myself to believe that the ALTERNATE REALITY ENDS TODAY!
Hi Anna
A couple of things if you have experienced healthy relationships why would want an unheathly one ?
No one comes on here to say how great they are.
Maybe you feel it is an ego thing if your other relationships have been healthy and you feel you can make this into a heathly relationship, but you can’t change anyone.
If his mum e mails again about how he is always talking about you DELETE it because that is his mother not him he isn’t doing a thing to have a relationship with you.
I’m glad you have made a decision and I hope you stand behind it. Be kind to yourself and explore why you were chasing this man. All could not be well in your current relationship either because if it was healthy you would stay far away from the other man.
Don’t let your opinion of yourself be defined by him and his friends.
Tulipa
Thanks again for all of your honest comments! I have taken your advice and blocked his number and email address. I hesitated while blocking the email…knowing that I would have zero contact with this person if they changed their mind, but I realized that he will never do so if he hasn’t in 5 years (also that I do not want to live this fantasy anymore anyway!). I’m starting to realize that it may have been an issue with my ego, but even more so it was one with my self esteem. When I would feel down on myself I would cling to him and he would validate and enforce my weaknesses. It was sick.
“All could not be well in your current relationship either because if it was healthy you would stay far away from the other man.” I have considered this as well. I feel like something was missing in my life that propelled me into living this fantasy. Sadly, I believe it was because I didn’t believe I deserved to be treated well…I now know that everyone does! I have cut ties with this man, told my bf everything, and I plan on moving forward and giving him the 100% relationship that he deserves.
i can’t believe that i actually have a story that fits exactly with the topic of the post.
my 7th grade boyfriend, who broke my 12-year-old heart and then went on to spread a vicious lie about me in high school, facebook friended me several weeks ago. he apologized for everything he ever did to me, said he did it because he was so in love with me and his home life was falling apart and he didn’t know how to deal with it and so he pushed me away, has completely grown up into a thinking feeling human being, etc. all of which feels and sounds true. i believe him. and it healed something inside me that he said it and meant it. which is nice.
but see, he’s not really contacting me for healthy reasons. there’s something obsessive (i know all about obsessive attraction, and i know it isn’t about the other person) about the way he’s pursued me, ignoring the fact that xx years have passed (a LOT), that while we are naturally friends, we really don’t know each other as we are, which would take more time. and there’s this redemption theme that runs all through everything he says to me. and there’s this need he has “just be my girlfriend” “will you marry me?” even while he’s saying “you’re oout of my league” and “i’m not good enough for you”. he puts this PRESSURE on me that he doesn’t even understand, he thinks he’s just going about his pursuit of me wrong, completely missing the fact that he’s trying to get me to fill some hole in him that i cannot fill. i honestly don’t know what he’d do with me if i let him catch me.
if i hadn’t worked on myself so hard, including BR, i wouldn’t be able to see the truth of this, i’d be all flattered, and while it is sweet, and we may end up being genuine friends, to be flattered by it would be utterly irresponsible on my part and a recipe for disaster. i’m actually in a precarious position – he’s not a bad guy, he’s actually sweet, but he’s a wounded, obsessive guy. that is not the basis for a healthy relationship, and i’m not allowing myself to be deluded into thinking anything else. i’m keeping my distance because really, i don’t want to hurt HIM. i’m being clear about where i am in this. and he doesn’t seem to be able to be friends, when we talk, the conversation devolves into his pressuring me.
anyway. thank you natalie and all of BR. for saving him from me.
cc
i think you’re too soft on him, be careful. He doesn’t sound like friend material to me.
“i’m keeping my distance because really, i don’t want to hurt HIM” Famous. Last. Words.
I wonder how many of us didn’t want to hurt HIM but then ended up getting hurt ourselves.
Oh, Grace, you are soooo right. I actually had the same excuse: I didn’t want to tell the guy who forced mo to have sex with him, to fuck off, since I didn’t want to hurt HIM. It took me about 6 months to break it off with him, so that “he can get used to the idea that we are not going to have any contact ever more”. Jesus Christ :the ultimate facepalm:. Then I got sick of it, got my spine back, and just went NC, without any explanation.
CC, dear, you are too nice. Please flush the weirdo and stop trying to be friends with him. He’s weird. Who want a friend like that? Don’t go down the same path again. I know he sounds harmless now, but beware.
defenitely a no win he doesnt care about your feelings at all forced you to have sex he needs to get gone
CC,
I think the longer this goes on, the more he will get hurt. I think it’s time to cut contact.
The guy sounds like he has some big problems. He is warning you in advance when he makes statements of inadequacy, this is how they can remove themselves from responsibility. It also sounds very strange that he is asking a stranger to marry him and be his GF. This is weird!
Lose him, or you’re opening yourself up to a boatload of drama! You owe him nothing!
grace, allison-
to be clear he’s hardly a stranger. i went to school with him, i just haven’t seen him in more years than i care to admit. and nothing is really “going on”, i saw him once and we’ve talked on the phone a bunch of times.
however, the hair-splitting i just did above doesn’t detract from the validity of your points. as i think about it, and hear it more the way the two of you heard it … you’re right. i already know we can’t really be friends because HE can’t be friends, however much he professes to want to “be there” for me, it doesn’t feel like warm, nice, fun, supportive friendship, it feels like he’s sucking all the air out of the room.
i think i may already have gone NC without really meaning to. in our last conversation, he started off fine, and we had a fun chat, but then he got more and more intense and, like .. needy. i got really annoyed. i told him flat out to knock it off, that his intensity was unjustified, that this didn’t feel like friends, and that he was making me uncomfortable. i kind of pushed him off the phone. he texted me once after that and i didn’t reply.
and you’re right, i don’t owe him anything. he doesn’t try to make me feel as if i do, but i think i feel guilty on some level that he’s all hot and bothered and i’m tepid at best. except i know that his hot and bothered-ness is just him trying to fill a hole in himself with me. i can’t do that. nobody can but him. and he’s not building a friendship with me, he’s trying to fast-forward me into relationship – even if he really means that, its not healthy, its suffocating.
ugh. you’re right. ok. i thought i saw it, but i didn’t really SEE it. thanks, guys!
heres my story my first boyfriend wanted to go away to college said we should sleep with others whilee he was away yet still see each other I was devestated said we should start 6 months before he left he took someone else to his prom I was drevestated prior to this we were very close he went away said I could not visit him until he slept with others I did not here from him again until 8 months later he came home called and had me over said He had made a mistake and we should get back together and that he had not found someone to sleep with i said forget it I was no ones back up plan and besides that I was seeing someone else. I went on with life had more relationships got married and have been happily married for 22 years He contacts me on facebook says hes been happily married for 23 years apologizes for howw badly he treated me I forgave him said he thought aboout me often and had a warm place in his heart for me he did not tell his wife he found me which bothered me we emailed a few thhat night said any thing else would be up to me which I thought was strange he started playing these songs that reminded me of him and I was getting swept up after a month I unfriended him but he still kept commenting on my posts while he was in college I found out he was sleeping with my best friend and my neigghbor he to;d me as I unfriended him that he did tell his wife about me and that it was okay with her if we were friends even though I unfriended hhim he kept commenting on my posts my friend passed away he commented on that I had photos of our old neightborhood up and he said he was planning on taking a trip without his wife and kid fishing for me to say lets get together I was creeped out and blocked him do you think he was planning on having some sort of affaif with me he said he was happily married and upon looking at photos of him and his wife id agree but who knows whats your opinion said him and his wife had achieved all their dreams and had no place else to go and werre not as happy as they were in the beginning
stacey a-
honestly? i know i am too prone to throwing pejorative labels around, but he sounds like a perfect slime.
the way i read this, way back when, he told himself that he was being “honest” (the guy version) that wanted to sleep with other people so he could clear his conscience that he (probably already) was sleeping with your best friend (O.O!!!! and what was SHE thinking?!?!?!?). his consistently treating you like a fallback girl, his tenuous relationship with the truth and his coming to you for an ego boost on FB all spell DOUCHE. and he’s been a douche all his life, apparently.
did he want to have an affair with you? probably, if he could get away with it while still appearing to be, in his view, a good guy. i am always astonished at the tortured logic some men apply to preserving their images of themselves while simultaneously permitting themselves the most *abominable* behavior.
whether or not he and his wife were happy is irrelevant – everyone smiles for pictures. more to the point, he proved himself a bad guy WAY before he was married – don’t for 1 second excuse his actions because his marriage might not have been happy.
i really have to hand it to you – all through the years, you behaved very strongly, in good defense of yourself, and it couldn’t have been easy, it must have hurt. well done, you. you instinctively reacted well to absolutely disgusting behavior on his part. ew. EW.
now, don’t think about him anymore. stop FB stalking him. he’s gross and so far beneath you i’m surprised you can still see him in focus. ew. he’s classic.
thanks for all the kind words sunday i will be celebrsating 22 years married to the one who did not cheat on me lie tell me he was just being etc he bought us tickets to see once on broadway second row he knows everything about that ex he thinks he was fishing he knew hed come up empty I told him id never go for such an idea even if i was not married to him he had nothing to do with it if i had single he wouldve been blocked anyway i feel sorry for his wife I would not want my husband telling someone else we couldve been so happy together and im thinking of taking a trip back to nyc without my wife and kid…
the first time i turned my ex down thank goodness there was no facebook or ways to track people or otherwise I might not have been able to stay away from him so long also thank heavens for my transitional high school boyfriend that helped me get over him till I fell in love again that time I was the onee who messed things up in answe to my exes lament oh stacey we couldve been so happy I was happy with people that were at the time 100 percent sure that they wanted to be happy with me not any of this nonsense of me being the back up plan when I told my husband all this he said your no ones back up plan and I said thats why your sitting with me here now
Stacey,
He’s just sniffing around to see if you’re still up for more of the same. You’re not. You could have blocked him from f/book sooner. My advice is to block and NC this moron like he’s the plague.
***”i’ve always had a very loving/healthy relationship…never felt like I wasn’t good enough for this man.” To clarify, I meant not good enough for “A” man…not “this” man. I’ve always felt that I wasn’t good enough for him.
I told my mother in law about this ex and she had the perfect reply to im planning a to visit nyc without my wife and kid… she said I should have told him to have a nice trip I cracked up my mother in laws 83 she acts like shes 53 Ive known her 24 years I have great admiration for her after all i have a grown son so im going to be in her spot one day my son just graduated high school so i told her and my sister in law im becomming one of them mothers of adult children I have a 20 year old daughter with moderate autism… of my own
This post is a huge wake up call to me! I’ve just been involved in a marathon email session with someone from 25 years ago who was my first passionate love. We parted amicably when we went off to different universities. We lost touch and both went on to new partners, marriages, etc. Last year my husband of 20 years left me for another woman. I was devastated and have not yet processed what went wrong and gotten back to a healthy place. All of a sudden a sexy email appears in my inbox and I fall hard. Can’t eat, sleep, etc… Thank you for helping me get back to earth before I do something stupid.
its hard just think of the reason you broke up hes catching you in a vulnerable spot what with your husband leaving you nobody worth it will rush you on anything especially after so much time has past is he married you just divorced give yourself time to recover and then maybe if you want to your gut will tell you if its right thing then you can reconnect on your terms and if he doesnt understand theis then you have your answer
just remember your in the driver seat he contacted you if he disses you for not immediately connecting with him emotionally or going back to the way things were by saying something like what came through after i blocked my ex like what kind of a person would put things on facebook meant for me meaning him to see and then block him when he responds some people sure can change over the years then you will also have your answer
the answer in my case would be a loyal one do you think for one moment that the people important to you in the life youve created like having kids etc would be important to this person in his miond you are probably just the same as you were before as you think he is too which in my case is a good thing to help me stay away all im saying is that with him you know what you are getting people dont change tat much over the years ususally when someone contacts you and spends alot of time trying to find you theres usually a hidden agenda like to apologize or to see if your stillup for the kind of relationship you had before or ego i also think its a lie when people say there been searchinmg you for so long they know you name and on these white pages sites your name comes up and it says aka with your married name next to it so there goes that
You are so in my life aren’t you? Writing from the sidelines somehow. It’s amazing how much of this stuff pertains to what I have been through recently. My AC was my boyfriend from 25 years ago and he broke my heart and I let him back after 2 divorces, the last one finalized only 6 weeks before. But at least I realized it was screwed up early on.
It’s been interesting reading these posts about the “childhood sweetheart”. They’re validation that I have come a long way in my life and my ability to look out for myself.
An old fiance and I reconnected through facebook a few years ago. Just the occasional “hi, how are you”. He eventually shut down his profile and continued to send “so glad we’re in touch again; I have good memories of you” e-mail.
I have good memories of him, too. He was my best friend, and we knew each other for years before we started dating. Problem was, once we started dating, he got very controlling and tried to cut me off from my friends, couldn’t share in my success if he didn’t feel good about how his life was going, etc.
Anyway, he called about a month ago and it was a great conversation. Time collapsed.
Problem is: He was drunk. He was drunk the next time he called, too. According to him, he’s “nervous” about talking to me.
And this is where I’m proud of myself: I made it clear that I would prefer that he be sober when he calls. And that while I was happy to be back in touch with him, it was because I was curious about who he had become after 20 years, and what his life experiences had been. I was pretty clear that I was happy to be reconnecting with an “old friend” and that was it.
I know that even a year ago, I would have been sucked in to the “what ifs” he kept hinting at. Now, I have no patience for a grown man who can’t make a phone call without liquid courage. Seriously? If this is how he with something as simple as calling an old girlfriend, it doesn’t bode well for how you handle the really had things in life. And I will not apologize for being “intimidating” anymore, either. Men who feel that a strong, independent, attractive, smart, funny, kind, generous and self-assured woman is too much for them need not apply.
Next contact was a text at 2:30am.
Made it clear that if he wants to contact me, he can do it before 10pm.
No more contact from him. I’m not shocked.
And I am PROUD of myself, because I was able to see what was going on and not invest myself in any of it. So I’m also not hurt by it. And that’s a HUGE leap forward.
Reading these posts has confirmed that I made the right choices right from the beginning. It may be the first time in my life I have been able to do something like this!
(Now, if I can just stop having this fantasy relationship with someone I only went out with once…) Working on it! Baggage Reclaim is definitely helping. More than the therapy I’m paying for, actually!
Cheers to you, Natalie.