“That ‘connection’ that you’d practically die on your sword by – the sheer number of women I come across that profess a connection with the most dubious people is quite frankly astounding. Sometimes, all it takes is saying it out loud: I feel deeply connected to someone who doesn’t call, often reduces me to text and emails, dips in and out of my life at will, is resisting commitment and consistency, and who treats me like a booty call whilst getting me to wash, cook, and clean for him.
We also feel ‘connected’ with dysfunction. When we hear about their pasts, we feel a connection because we feel for them and are sympathetic, instantly deciding, whether it’s subconsciously or consciously, that we can be the person to make their lives better and instantly feeling that we ‘know’ them and that they’re sharing themselves. It also means that we’ll likely use this so-called ‘connection’ to make excuses to not only justify our sexual and emotional investment, but also to excuse their own dodgy behaviour. ‘Oh, the reason why he can’t be a committed partner now is because one time, in bandcamp, that pet budgie died when they were five’.
If women presented themselves to men and said that they were screwed up, some guy had messed with them, or any of the other stuff that comes rolling out of these guys mouths, we’d be labelled ‘needy’ and ‘psychos’.
It’s not that some women don’t have tales that they ‘reach’ for when times get rough or to elicit a reaction, but let’s be real, we have a limited audience for it. The more tales we tell, the more they back off! The more tales they tell, the closer we get!
Thinking about these tales reminded me of when I dated a recently qualified doctor who I came to refer to as The F*ckwit. Five minutes into our first date, he told me that his dad was in prison for bank robbery while we were stood at the ATM. Within ten minutes he told me his brother was in prison for holding a foreign student hostage, and within half an hour, he also ‘divulged’ that his mother was a crackhead and how he’d been homeless and had fought his way to being a doctor. I swung perilously between shock, admiration, and an urge to laugh hysterically, something I do when I’m very nervous.
Over the few short weeks that we dated, I stifled many yawns. Really, I’m not a bitch, but after a while, I suspected that his tales were exaggerated and rolled out to tug at heartstrings, test out reactions, and absolve himself of being rude and very self-centred.
Theft and crack stories turned to women who couldn’t handle him being a doctor, black women that misunderstood him, women who’d wounded his soul, and itemising the various doctors, solicitors, and other seemingly well qualified friends that he knew and declarations of his poshness, quickly followed by sad tales of poverty. I quickly realised that he was incredibly insecure and that he’d clearly been through an awful lot, but that I had to be careful of not only taking on his problems but giving him license to think he could behave as he liked.
In another time, I’d have contemplated being the woman to ‘love’ him out of his insecurity and pain, and make him all better. There was a problem though – sob story, or no sob story, we didn’t have very much in common and I couldn’t stand him when he opened his mouth…
We didn’t last long – it gets tiring playing the smallest violin in the world as background music to what I call This One Time in Band Camp stories, something I talked about in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Inspired by the line from American Pie that’s synonymous with the girl who wouldn’t shut up about her band camp experiences and would start babbling when she was nervous or wanted to fill in a gap in conversation, This One Time in Band Camp represents the tales of woe that Mr Unavailables and assclowns roll out whenever things get rough. I’ve had much experience in listening to these, as have millions of women around the world.
“The first few times he told the story, it was heart wrenching and cute, but over time you realise that it’s just a story and he is so disconnected from himself that he is giving you the watered down version where he has no responsibility and he gets to pretend that he was this totally emotionally available person.
‘And this one time…in band camp…this woman let me down a really long time ago. She made me feel so useless and she wouldn’t even sleep me with anymore or give me a blowjob. Then I found out that she’d been cheating on me and I’ve just never been the same again…And then…this one time in band camp…I was devastated when this woman knocked back my proposal…and…and..”. You hear this. “Oh, the poor guy. No wonder he can’t fully express his feelings to me. He’s hurting and he needs the support of a good woman to help him though this. He’ll open up eventually. I know that I can make him feel like a man in the bedroom and I’ve got a whole closet full of lingerie and massage oil that will make him thing like king of the castle. I don’t mind giving him blowjobs and I’m going to make sure that he never even has to ask for one. Cheated on? God I know that if I had been cheated on, I’d be very distrusting so I’m going to show how reliable I am and how I can be trusted…’ and so it rolls on.”
The real story was more like this:
“He was let down by a woman a really long time ago after she got sick and tired of him perpetually disappointing her. She discovered that not only had he been sleeping around, but that he was trying to hit it with someone from their workplace. She was outraged because they had been sleeping together regularly and in an act of revenge, she cheated on him too, with a guy who had been chasing her for a while. She did give him blowjobs; she just didn’t feel like giving them morning, noon, and night. He did propose to an ex but it was after she’d cut contact with him for several months and he used it as a last ditch attempt to win her over.”
What’s scary is that often these tales are exaggerated, watered down, or outright fabrications! You only find out the truth as they ‘fluff their lines’ or pull the dripfeed manoeuvre and add in bits of the story when they think you can handle it. Either that, or you meet their ex and find out the horrifying truth.”
The other thing that’s scary is that as women, we are receptive to the pain of others and the kind of guy that relies on This One Time In Band Camp stories knows this and is very practised and will even sometimes roll out the crocodile tears, insincere tears used to manipulate and generate a desired result.
Much like with crocodile tears, the reason why women are receptive to listening to This One Time In Band Camp stories or knowing the details of a guys childhood or relationship experiences, is that we believe that it creates a connection because we believe these things to be a show of emotion, plus we also use this stuff to rationalise dubious behaviour.
We connect with pain because in being receptive, we often have our own pain and issues to deal with.
I was talking to someone recently and she told me she was in love with someone. I was a little taken aback as we’d only spoken about a week or so before! As I listened to details about this guy, I realised that the whole ‘nurturer’, let me become Florence Nightingale and fix/heal/help this guy was in evidence. He’d revealed some sad childhood experiences and she instantly felt connected with him and suddenly had a reason to ‘connect’ and feel ‘love’ for someone who moments before, she was actually quite ambivalent about.
I see this all the time and the key issue with falling for people because you perceive them to be wounded, is aside from having your own issues with control, it’s that you make dangerous assumptions about the person, almost because you pity them and believe that they ‘need’ you to fix/heal/help them and add whatever is missing to their lives.
This is not love. It’s also not healthy because rather than empathise (having the ability to share in someone’s feelings by understanding their position/perspective), you sympathise, which is basically pity and disempowering, something that gets exacerbated when you make it your vocation to fix/heal/help them or absolve them of their responsibilities by being too compassionate and overly sympathetic because it suits your own agenda.
Back in part two.
Your thoughts? Have you listed to This One Time In Band Camp stories? Are you responsive to hurt?
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So true Natalie. I’ve been sucked in by my share of Bandcampers who are often overcome to the point of tears by their own melodramas, but usually offered zilch empathy in turn for my problems, especially the problems created by their conflicting behavior.
Now the pendulum has swung and I’m more or less a cold hearted bitch as far as the Bandcamp stories go as my first instinct is to peg the stories as a ploy for these men to fulfill whatever agenda they have. Because really, who would sell themselves as victimized and broken to someone they wanted to impress for the long term? Imagine presenting yourself at a job interview in that fashion.
OTOH, society is plunging headlong off of the cliff of the underdog or the phoenix rising from the ashes, rags-to-riches saga. Did anyone check out the sob stories before each and every participant in the Olympics? Same with the TV show “Extreme Makeover.” Must everyone have some poignant tale of woe in order to be valid anymore?
lindsay bluth….I agree, I too get sooo tired of hearing every sob story about everyone on TV. Can’t there just be normal people living their normal lives. No wonder there is so much disfunction going on, our soceity glamorizes it.
Maybe Tiger & Jesse will write a book together about what unfortunate woes have befeld them that aren’t their fault but led them to their now so called remorseful behavior, now there’s some bandcamp stories.
Has anyone ever dated a guy by the name of Mike from Brantford Ontario….
STAY AWAY FROM THIS ASSCLOWN…….
I kinda wonder about myself though. We’ve all been through alot and I just started waking up..seriously waking up in October and felt in control of things..felt great. Both times we split up I said..”I get it”..we met at the wrong time..I get you..but I have to work on myself and just can’t do a relationship. I vowed the first time we broke up, it was going to be all about me. He came back in my life and I remained true to that (boundaries, fulfilling my needs with outside activities and friends), though I made time for him as well and enjoyed my time with him.
I didn’t unload any past really..just recent past and I”m still going through a divorce 3 years later. I shared a little bit about my relationship with my mother as he did the same. We certainly were kindered and that was my connection. We seemed to get along better alone with each other. In public he was different..almost anxious and loud.
Anyway..neither time did I try holding him back and just said..you do what you have to do..I get it..because I still have to keep moving forward to get stronger. My crawl has turned into a walk..etc.
He did share tidbits of his past but didn’t seem rattled by any of it. What rattled him the most and still does..is his relationship with his brother.
Maybe I am the one with issues and the EU one…or..maybe we both are. I guess this post sort of sounded more like me..than him.
This is a repeated pattern with many people. The boyfriend/girlfriend may change but the situation is the same. We seem to have this internal saviour/God complex. Once we realise this and understand that we cannot ‘save’ anyone, life becomes much simpler – thank God, I finally discovered this one – just took into my thirties!
On another level, some people like myself, and I am sure Natalie and many of the readers here, do have people divulging information very quickly, perhaps even strangers. If it happens to be with someone we have just started seeing and where there is a strong physical attraction, things can turn a little Florence Nightingaley! I have received it as a step of faith and trust in me (and perhaps naively in the burgeoning relationship). However when that person doesn’t share these things with others, the issues can also become like a ball and chain and in extremes, lead to co-dependency – where your own actions are affected by his problems.
Tread warily and choose to become aware of any God complex that you, or the person you are with has. One of my goals now is to let God do his thing (or whatever word you want to use here, some say the universe), and for me to control my own things. No-one likes to be controlled and I am sure it is not just me who has wanted, or loved so much, that you want the person (could be partner, child, friend…) to do something and live a life of blessing. As one of my favourite speakers says she just got tired of running the world, then miracles started to happen.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Cost of Dating: Part 1 Power Positive Thinking =-.
I completely agree with this. While everyone has issues to deal with, and it is a part of any intimate relationship, you can’t excuse someone’s behavior for their past issues. I recently dated someone for a year and a half who treated me like nothing and couldn’t tell me he loved me because he was so hurt by other women in the past. They cheated on him, didn’t respect his privacy, etc. I tried so hard to understand and try to make him understand that I would never hurt him, but I ultimately lost respect for myself in the end because I wanted him to realize that this was OUR relationship and not his relationship with his past girlfriends and I wanted to be loved! He finally did tell me he loved me and, surprise, surprise, broke up with me two days later because I was “jealous” after seeing raunchy text messages between him and another woman (i wasn’t even snooping!). I think women should take more time trying to understand their OWN issues and why they are staying with someone who is treating them poorly rather than spending all of their energy trying to justify someone else’s disrespectful behavior. And I love the point about women with issues vs. men with issues because it is such a double standard. If we act out or do something irrational we are “crazy” but if a man is consistently disrespectful and treats someone terribly, it’s because they can’t trust or are dealing with their past and we buy it – the only way to stay in a relationship with someone who is using this excuse is to buy them a basketful of therapy sessions…
MIchelle…exactly where I’m at. Which is why I let him go..in his eyes..with ease. I broke into pieces and am still having my moments..but I am taking care of myself. My issues are over and done with now. It’s just a matter of getting ‘me’ back and better! None of my experiences me have soured me, they have just made me aware. I just felt like..when I said..”I need to work on myself”..I suddenly felt like a selfish person..it was more important than the relationship. But ya know…we don’t have kids together..he has none..and yup…I was more important than the relationship. There just wasn’t enough invested for me to put up my fight. I needed my strength for myself. So yeah…all is good. Just fleeting moments of self doubt….
In the realationship..I was ‘in’..and gave it what I could…it wasn’t enough for him..he didn’t ‘feel it’…so be it….the truth..sometimes still hard…but it’s just a matter of time….I ‘feel it’ without a man…that’s a revelation! “it” is everywhere…
Well good for you!! You’re going to be so much better off!! All we have is our energy and our thoughts, and it’s pretty exhilarating to REALIZE that all of your energy and thoughts can be spent on YOU. Don’t think about him. He has his own issues to think about, but they’re no longer yours, so you’re FREE!!! Omg, it is so much better to be out of these shitty relationships. I would so much rather talk on this forum than talk to the ex who always told me I was an idiot or berated my comments…whatever, FREE AT LAST!!
Even is the sob stories are true, they can be maximum half of the truth… there is always the other side of it. He will never tell you *his* real role in the story.
Chances are, the reason why his previous girlfriend(s) dumped him will be the same reason you will do it too (if you have enough self esteem not to put up with his BS ad infinitum).
I would change the word “connection” to “attraction.” Obviously I didn’t feel connected to the guy who never called, and treated me like he could take me or leave me. But because of this need to “fix” him, and just general chemistry, I felt attracted to him enough to chase after a connection. That chase is what caused me to spend four years of my life going after a man I was very attracted to, but also VERY dillusional about. The connection never really materialzed since he was never around long enough to allow that to happen.
How true is that we are so willing to hear their stories but if the roles were reversed we would look like needy, clingy crazy woman! I can admit to building a connection off seeing that I can nuture their wounded selves (I didn’t know any other way) I didn’t even know myself and I’m still learning. I can tell you though I would never be attracted to that NOW.
I have definitely been there…… listening to the one time at band camp stories and the ‘Poor Me’ lines only to discover that he had cheated on his partner long before she had cheated on him! I hate to admit it but I fell for the sad stories and thought I could heal him…..the connection was so strong…. we were made for each other……blah..blah
I haven’t been here in awhile and just loved this article (actually, I love ALL of them…but anyway).
I think it would be great if we could start a contest for the best “one time in bandcamp” story that we’ve heard. NML, you could use these to write a best seller for sure. : )