Our troubles with unavailable men (Mr Unavailables) is a popular topic of discussion but it occurred to me recently that whilst these emotionally, spiritually or unavailable men are a very real issue, the female behaviour needs to be inspected a little more closely under the microscope.

I’m loathe to believe that there are a lot of thick women out there that are gluttons for punishment and just love to keep going for the unavailable, and I do believe there is a very real probability that the men are unavailable and the women have commitment issues.

If we continue to forge relationships with men that only give us a hint of what they could ‘potentially’ deliver and then we ultimately end up being let down and unfulfilled, it is all a self-fulfilling prophecy because we are not putting ourselves into the zone of being with a man who could even begin to give us what we want.

Do we actually know what we want? I’m not so sure.

We think we know what we want, we say we know what we want, yet we do a very different thing and ultimately actions speak louder than words. I think that most of us whether we are male or female are conditioned to a certain extent to pursue a union of two people that is supposed to result in a committed relationship, possibly marriage, possibly some kids and the happily ever after (cough, cough), however thinking about it, discussing it and expecting it are very different things to living it.

There are a lot of women out there that are unhappily single, yet the type of guy that they will ultimately chase after and have a relationship of sorts with, is a man that can’t find it within himself to be available to her. His version of available is calling her when it suits, treating her like a booty call, running hot and cold, being elusive, and telling her that if the situation were different he’d be with her in a shot. Her version of availability is that he should want to be with her as much as possible, she should be the only woman, not one of many, he sees a future with her, they socialise together and the relationship is legitimate and out in the open because he is sure of his feelings for her and can’t bear to be without her.

If this is what the woman wants, why is she with a Mr Unavailable?

I think it’s time to explore the possibility, that somewhere deep down inside, women like this are afraid of commitment. There is something that holds this woman back, ebbs into her subconscious and allows her to place herself with people and in situations that do not lead to commitment. When it all goes wrong, these women get to be upset, be miserable and nod their heads in a sure-fire agreement that men are a pain in the arse, unavailable and that they’ll never find happiness. It gives them permission to be right and they don’t ever have to properly address the reason why they aren’t getting commitment and how they could ultimately end up alone, or attached and unhappy. Because remember ladies, just because you ‘have’ the guy, it doesn’t make you committed. You could be just as miserable as you would be if you were single! Making a semblance of commitment with a guy who doesn’t seem to know his arse from his elbow with your relationship is a one sided thing and a guaranteed trip to Misery City.

Committing to someone in the true sense of commitment is a very scary thought for most people, but plenty of people do it, despite all the tales of divorce and heartbreak. Giving yourself entirely to someone and trusting them with your heart, your feelings and essentially your life is a bloody scary thing! If we have witnessed examples of it all going tits up with someone close to us, say at a very young age, or even took the risk once of letting it all hang out only for it to end in tears, something internally in the back of the mind, or for some people at the forefront of their mind, decides that they should protect themselves from these situations. Like damage control.

The fact of the matter is that if a woman met a guy that was half way decent, that truly cared about her and wanted to have a proper relationship with her, that would scupper that secret fear of commitment because she’d have to make the effort and put herself at risk. An unavailable guy (even if he is decent) removes that fear because ultimately, deep down we all know the way the story goes. I’ve said it many times: If a guy doesn’t want to be unavailable, he won’t be. You can try everything in your power to change him, but if he doesn’t want to, he won’t. Often when it’s all over with you, he meets someone within a few months and next thing you know you’re hearing about the marriage notice.

I wonder sometimes do unavailable guys recognise something in the women that are attracted to them which gives them a sure sign that they can be however they want to be. I’ve been asked whether we’re giving off a scent, are we saying something in particular, do we have a certain look?

No, but the very act of giving them your time and energy lets them know that they can be unavailable with you because they know that if you’re willing to play ball with them, you can’t really want to be committed anyway.
And in case anyone is in doubt, this doesn’t absolve these unavailable guys of their responsibility, but we are the only long standing cast member in the soap opera that is our life, which means we have to look a little closer to home first, and we may start to make some real progress. We can’t change them, but we can change our attitude.

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