A couple of stories have highlighted how even when it comes to telling you the truth when confronted, Mr Unavailables and assclowns (as usual) do it on their terms.
One friend suspected that her Mr Unavailable was either cheating or lining up his next victim. A friend from high school, he was spending a lot of time with her in a group of friends and would never invite my mate and was also clearly besotted and reliving a high school crush. She tried to get to the bottom of it and after feeling repeatedly disrespected, dumped him. He denied cheating and any romantic interest but then what unfolded over the next few months was him gradually admitting to being attracted to her, to emotional cheating, to her ‘springing’ a relationship on him and eventually admitting that they’d shared a clinch…
In another tale, a reader tells me that she catches her boyfriend red handed when some stuff for his online dating pops up on the screen. She confronts him and asks him why he’s doing it and he claims he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Eventually, over time, he starts to admit it.
When someone pulls The Drip-feed manoeuvre on you, the aim is to control the information and control the reaction. Instead of being upfront and giving you all of the information, they make the private decision to only give you information that they think you can handle at that time. It also serves a darker purpose – ensuring that they don’t admit to more than they have to.
Sometimes it’s a bit like telling you 90% of the story but leaving out the crucial 10%…
Sometimes it’s claiming that she’s ‘just a friend’ and then saying ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman’. Yes…but you did get a blowjob but you won’t be admitting to that until you have no choice…
It’s also helps them to stall and avoid conflict that they haven’t got a plan B in place for. They think that if they tell you a bit at a time, it’ll soften the blow, or that by that point, you’ll be too weary to argue or too eager to have them back that you won’t register the significance of it. Even if you do register the significance of their crap behaviour when they finally ‘confess’, it won’t be as bad as what they imagine it would have been, if they’d told you from the outset.
Of course they’ll never know how you would have reacted because they thought it was better to lie to you by holding all the cards and withholding information.
It’s like when they deny that they’re screwing someone behind your back when you break up because they don’t want to look like a bastard even though they are, and then you find out that they were cheating at a later date, but by then, you may be powerless to have the same reaction you would have originally had. They may even blame you for the break up while painting themselves as the poor misunderstood guy. One woman told me that this happened to her and that when she did call him on his deceit, he said “I didn’t want you to use her as an excuse for why we broke up. We were over anyway and I would never have had to cheat if you’d been giving me what I want…”
Dreepfeeding you information let’s them duck the full responsibility for their actions. Often each bit is dealt with in isolation instead of in its full context where it would have had a far greater impact.
This is why it is really important to have boundaries, exercise judgement, and process information.
Often we know all we need to know without having to get them to admit it.
Even when you catch some of these mofos red-handed, if they have mastered the art of screwing with your mind and having you second guess yourself, you might actually end up believing you’re mistaken!
I explained to a reader earlier how in Eddie Murphy’ ‘Raw’ (always great for poor relationship examples) he does a skit where he tells the story of a woman bursting in on her man in bed with her friend. He races from the bed chasing after her and obstinately denies that things were what she’d seen. Eventually she agrees and he adds “I eff her but I make love to you”.
It’s all semantics with these guys and they’ll run rings around you while moving the goalposts and keeping the truth under heavy guard. They’re relying on you being caught up in the illusion and so they feed the illusion with crumbs of truths and half truths, much in the same way they’d throw you crumbs of emotions and carry on like it’s a loaf. Some of these guys even act like you should be grateful they’re fessing up like honesty’s a commodity to trade with as if it’s in short supply.
You don’t need to be grateful; you need to be worried.
Part two and Part three
Your thoughts?
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Yep, the dripfeed is one sneaky tactic. Esp. when, as you say, these ACs give them a big pat on the back for “honesty.” I recently came up against this move: “I’ll never lie to you, just be careful what you ask.” This was in reference to whether this AC was sleeping with other people. The answer, of course, was yes, though his behaviour was doting, devoted, and of course, devious–the whole making me feel like the center of the universe thing. Yet, he could claim he had not “lied” when faced with the question, and thus hold some moral high ground. I still do not think I have recovered from this mind f*ck! Anyone else deal with move?
Thank you NML! I’ve been dealing with this for a long time but I had no idea what was actually going on! It’s like pulling teeth and sometimes days would go by before I’d get the next ‘piece’ of vital information. He would tell me he felt like he couldn’t be honest with me because he was afraid of how I would react. Well – um, guess what, if you act like crap, my reaction is that I will likely get upset, and you’re just going to have to deal with it, or, your other option is to not act like crap! The other option is not to continue to act like crap, and lie about it so you don’t have to ‘fear’ the reaction. Ugh.
I never really thought of it a power and control thing – but thank you so much for the enlightenment. I thought of it purely as a CYA manuever.
Someone who drip feeds you information is a classic manipulator, who wants to do nothing more than pull your strings. Get away from that fool as fast as you can.
THIS POST IS SO HELPFUL!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!
In a relationship, we women always love to talk and share; but with men, it’s like taking a plier and yanking teeth to get an ounce of info! I just don’t get it!!!!
NML,
I think I’ve actually been guilty of this kind of behavior…. I don’t do it anymore as an adult, but I recognize it as a learned behavior from when I was younger. Yuck! I learned it as a coping tool when I was afraid of my dad, so I wouldn’t tell him the whole truth. I’d just tell him as much as he could handle. I’m actually sickened by it now as I read your article.
What you wrote right here is so amazing. It is pretty much saying “Swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” Don’t just tell 1/2 the story and then drip feed the rest of it to your partner. And if you figure out that someone is telling you 1/2 truths, then run the other way!
It’s amazing how when these clowns are caught they will bold face lie – or play dumb just so they don’t have to take any responsibility.
My ex EUM/AC said to me when I figured out he had brought his “friend” into our home during a time we were supposed to be figuring things out – “I didn’t think you’d care” What? What? I think I threw the paper shredder his way in response… he knew damn well “I’d care” the absolute gall of this man playing stupid is something I will never forget – I told him either his is entirely stupid or he thinks that I am – either way eff you!
It’s being willing to SEE what is going on, rather than cooperating in someone being able to deceive you with a partial lie.
Their version of the truth is not THE truth. You have to use your own discernemnt and judegment and not depend on them to tell you how the relationship is going.
If a guy is doing something that you do not feel comfortable with, trust your instincts.
They usually will be more reliable than fantasizing you can blindly trust a man who thinks lying/deception/being misleading/only giving you partial information is acceptable.
I had a man lie to me for 4 years. At the time, I howled and cried and was utterly destoyed. I was a victim who could not undertsand HOW he could not want my love and how he could have lied to me so flagrantly and plausibly.
Facts are – I lied to myself. If I hadn’t, he never could have lied to me.
I wanted the romance of a relationship so badly I decided it was going to be him EVIDENCE OF BAD BEHAVIOR TO THE CONTRARY…
There is always a price to be paid for cooperating with bull****.
It usally means heartache for you.
Heartache you can put an immediate stop to by not participating any further with someone of a dubious character.
I guarantee you, Bill Clinton hasn’t stopped being a cheater or playing word games. Neither will ANY guy who has an “verbal drip feed” modus operandii.
Wake up and walk out on him. You deserve more – that is if self-esteem matters to you
Do you love yourself enough to want more for yourself ? Prove it by not having someone like that in your life. No excuses.
Just as his words have to be backed up by actions to be proved trurthful — so do yours.
DO YOU DESERVE MORE THAN A DRIP FEED ?
I say Yes. But only if you are willing to face the reality of what your relationship is and is not.
p.s. NML – Can you get spell-check on here ? I’d love it. I need it !!!!
“Often we know all we need to know without having to get them to admit it” Oh, so true! If we stick it out until we get “proof” we waste so much time. Even when we catch them, If-you-were-only-better manipulation kicks in.
The roadblock I ran into with this gem of wisdom is not trusting my own instincts (low self-esteem). I allowed my ex-husband (EUM) to do this to me all the time. I spent 7 years waiting for “proof”. Every time I would get it, his behavior would somehow be my fault.
Trust your gut. I believe I have been given instincts for a reason, and they don’t go away! I just learned how to ignore them….now I’m re-learning to listen.
What I truly don’t understand is the reason why these EUMs feel the need to lie. I can’t figure it out he would have had a much beter chance if he had just told me the truth outright instead of this dripfeeding or outright lies rubbish they go on with.
I guess NML makes the point that they control the information and prevent you from seeing the truth of what they really are and sometimes by the time you have all the infomation required you do doubt yourself and your reaction.
Even when you point everything out to them the truth basically it is a no win situation leaving you to put up with them or to get out.
NML you are spot on again:-( I dont know why these men threat us like we are stupid? I can see my EUM thro when he is lying …I told him so many times to “open-up” but he gave me all cr@p…I am starting NC, I dont want to be a muppet:-(
You are absolutely spot on NML !!! And I thank you for putting those scenarios into written words.
I think the drip feeding also comes from the fact that they are pathological liars.
The Assclown I have been involved with, spent a night in a hotel with me last winter. We were sitting in the lobby holding hands, kissing, hugging etc. Weeks later he confessed he had a girlfriend who was actually sitting in the same hotel lobby at the same time !!!
I asked him what her reaction was, he said they had a bit of a row but he lied his way out and she forgave him !!!
After I dumped him because of this girlfriend, he told me that in fact he has another girlfriend he has been with for the last 6 years (all the time I was with him) !!!!! But she doesn’t mind if he has sex with other girls occasionally.
The hotellobby GF is not really his girlfriend, only a friend he sees occasionally.
I went NC 3 months ago and I have no intentions of ever letting an Assclown like this into my life again.
Talking about drip feeding !!!!!
Oh my goodness, it’s like reading about my own life!
I had to extract info by pretending i knew more than i actually did based on the “drips” of info he was feeding me…. we were having problems, but then he begged me to stay (classic EUM behaviour judging by this website) then proceeded to meet another woman, we then had a “break” and 2 weeks later he said there was someone he “liked”. I was devastated, so he tried to backtrack, but he is still seeing her now. we’ve been split 2 months (he ended it over text in the end, what nice man) and now i’ve been no contact for 2 weeks and i have come on leaps and bounds. He texted me last night to see how i am, i didn’t respond, he’s not worth it, and am just trying to tell myself that it’s me thats better off now, not him.
Just hope this new “piece” will see what he’s like. I’m realising that by not contacting him, i’m not fuelling the whole reason they got together, and that eventually the “newness” will burn out. These pathological liars will never change. I am just so glad i found this website, as i will be tagging the “red flags” for any future men!
Stay strong girls, the don’t deserve us at our best if they can’t handle us at our worst. xxx