A couple of stories have highlighted how even when it comes to telling you the truth when confronted, Mr Unavailables and assclowns (as usual) do it on their terms.
One friend suspected that her Mr Unavailable was either cheating or lining up his next victim. A friend from high school, he was spending a lot of time with her in a group of friends and would never invite my mate and was also clearly besotted and reliving a high school crush. She tried to get to the bottom of it and after feeling repeatedly disrespected, dumped him. He denied cheating and any romantic interest but then what unfolded over the next few months was him gradually admitting to being attracted to her, to emotional cheating, to her ‘springing’ a relationship on him and eventually admitting that they’d shared a clinch…
In another tale, a reader tells me that she catches her boyfriend red handed when some stuff for his online dating pops up on the screen. She confronts him and asks him why he’s doing it and he claims he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Eventually, over time, he starts to admit it.
When someone pulls The Drip-feed manoeuvre on you, the aim is to control the information and control the reaction. Instead of being upfront and giving you all of the information, they make the private decision to only give you information that they think you can handle at that time. It also serves a darker purpose – ensuring that they don’t admit to more than they have to.
Sometimes it’s a bit like telling you 90% of the story but leaving out the crucial 10%…
Sometimes it’s claiming that she’s ‘just a friend’ and then saying ‘I did not have sexual relations with that woman’. Yes…but you did get a blowjob but you won’t be admitting to that until you have no choice…
It’s also helps them to stall and avoid conflict that they haven’t got a plan B in place for. They think that if they tell you a bit at a time, it’ll soften the blow, or that by that point, you’ll be too weary to argue or too eager to have them back that you won’t register the significance of it. Even if you do register the significance of their crap behaviour when they finally ‘confess’, it won’t be as bad as what they imagine it would have been, if they’d told you from the outset.
Of course they’ll never know how you would have reacted because they thought it was better to lie to you by holding all the cards and withholding information.
It’s like when they deny that they’re screwing someone behind your back when you break up because they don’t want to look like a bastard even though they are, and then you find out that they were cheating at a later date, but by then, you may be powerless to have the same reaction you would have originally had. They may even blame you for the break up while painting themselves as the poor misunderstood guy. One woman told me that this happened to her and that when she did call him on his deceit, he said “I didn’t want you to use her as an excuse for why we broke up. We were over anyway and I would never have had to cheat if you’d been giving me what I want…”
Dreepfeeding you information let’s them duck the full responsibility for their actions. Often each bit is dealt with in isolation instead of in its full context where it would have had a far greater impact.
This is why it is really important to have boundaries, exercise judgement, and process information.
Often we know all we need to know without having to get them to admit it.
Even when you catch some of these mofos red-handed, if they have mastered the art of screwing with your mind and having you second guess yourself, you might actually end up believing you’re mistaken!
I explained to a reader earlier how in Eddie Murphy’ ‘Raw’ (always great for poor relationship examples) he does a skit where he tells the story of a woman bursting in on her man in bed with her friend. He races from the bed chasing after her and obstinately denies that things were what she’d seen. Eventually she agrees and he adds “I eff her but I make love to you”.
It’s all semantics with these guys and they’ll run rings around you while moving the goalposts and keeping the truth under heavy guard. They’re relying on you being caught up in the illusion and so they feed the illusion with crumbs of truths and half truths, much in the same way they’d throw you crumbs of emotions and carry on like it’s a loaf. Some of these guys even act like you should be grateful they’re fessing up like honesty’s a commodity to trade with as if it’s in short supply.
You don’t need to be grateful; you need to be worried.