Returning Childhood Sweetheart Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Advice: Why Did He Agree To Meet Me After 20 Years Just To Mess Me About?

November 30, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Alison asks: I recently visited a friend I hadn’t seen in twenty years. We had the briefest of hook-ups a long time ago that I vaguely remember as him not being able to ‘perform’, but it was still loving and caring. He’s smart, funny, insightful and back then gave me some advice that turned my world around.

I had not been in touch with him in all this time as we live in different countries and only reconnected just before I planned to visit his country. At the end of my trip, we planned four days together. I think he Future Faked me by writing how he’d thought of me and our connection over these years, on how he felt about me and that we would become ‘we’ on this visit. The visit really built up in my mind and then of course, when we met it was as though he wished he wasn’t there.

He talked a lot about himself and was cool to me. Aside from a hug and one moment of holding my hand, he never touched me. It was bizarre. I asked him about it and he got very angry and said, “What’s the urgency?”. Later when I asked why he agreed to meet me, he told me that he never asks why. I then went so far as to read one of his emails back to him and he said, “Well, I would be happy to receive an email like that!”. Sure, if the person who wrote it followed through. He also seemed to get very angry that I remembered the life-changing advice he gave me 20 years ago. It was so troubling. I have absolutely no idea what happened. When I left his country a week ago I said, “Have a nice life. Goodbye!” and that was the end of it. I haven’t heard from him and am pretty certain I won’t. I feel confused, angry, and hurt, like I was sucker-punched. What the hell happened?

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On a recent episode of the HBO/Sky Atlantic series, ‘Insecure’, when Molly introduces her hot, new guy who she’s only been on one date with to her friends at an engagement party, and they refer to him as her ‘boyfriend’, he goes along with it, causing Molly to feel rather excited. Alone at the bar afterwards, Chris essentially says that he could see her desperation so he was happy to fill that role for her but that it essentially should be oh-so-obvious to her that they’re not a couple.

Your pen not-so-much-of-a-pal, Alison, is quick with words, light on action.

He’s the type of person who’d give someone The Best Date Ever TM because he wants to feel good about not wanting to take it further. When the date feels confused about why they haven’t heard back, especially in light of what they thought was the “amazing chemistry”, he rationalises that at least he made sure he gave them a good time and goes on his merry way.

He’s insincere. What does he think you are? A charity that needs old flames to send love letters so that you can keep up the will to live? What’s the point in sending the letter if it’s fiction?

I think you hold him in too high an esteem. I’m not saying that you have to think of him an assclown, it’s just that a lot can change in twenty months never mind twenty years.

There you are thinking of him as your very own Buddha (or Yoda) and he doesn’t either recall what he said to you or rate its importance. Now at the end of the day, if advice he gave was life-changing, that won’t be changed by this recent fracas, but he’s either not the man you thought he was or he’s not the man he used to be. It’s also time to recognise that you’re not that woman anymore either.

Sometimes Embarrassment / Shame Stops A Person From Making Attempts To Remedy A Situation Or Get In Touch

September 5, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Have you ever felt so embarrassed about something (or even ashamed) that you try to avoid any and everything to do with it? I remember walking by St Stephen’s Green in Dublin and seeing a guy who I had an ambiguous flirtation going on with. Strutting in my wedge heels, next thing I found myself sprawled out on the pavement with my legs in the air. There was an audible gasp from the crowd queuing outside the club and then some laughter, including mine which disguised my deep embarrassment and even masked my tears of pain. Mor-ti-fi-frickin-cation. Every time I saw him after that, I steered well clear of him, which turned out to be a blessing as I discovered he was Mr Unavailable with a girlfriend stowed away.

Being really embarrassed or even ashamed and keeping a distance as a result of these feelings, isn’t limited to embarrassing moments though – I hear stories about parents, exes, and even one night stands that serve as a reminder that while it is so easy to make someone’s behaviour about us, there can be ‘deeper’ reasons than anything we’ve managed to come up with (normally a ‘one false move’ that we’ve pinned it on) or various inadequacies that we think we have.

I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it again – It’s not about you. What others do and be (or fail to) is about them. Yes it can hurt and directly impact us as a consequence of their mentality, actions, and even their Overactive Pride ‘Thyroid’ but don’t get it twisted and think that you’re capable of Jedi Mind Tricks.

In the chapter The Making of a Fallback Girl in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, one of the issues I talk about is how some parents are so ashamed by their absence or what they’ve done, that rather than step up and at least make a good attempt at trying to build some bridges and be present now, they keep their distance out of shame.

“Sometimes they do regret their actions but instead of the issue taking precedence, their pride does. This means that they don’t do anything to make the original abandonment and hurt right because of their own shame and what they think you might say or do.”

You end up being a reminder of a ‘version’ of themselves that they’d rather disassociate themselves from even if you’re holding out an olive branch, a Reset Button, and some white wash. It’s like they can’t get past this and end up heaping on more pain. They may even be afraid of screwing up some more or having to be accountable and answer questions. Even if they attempt to forge a relationship with you, explanations and questions may prove too ‘taxing’ and so you end up keeping it zipped so that they stick around and you end up with an unsatisfactory ambiguous relationship, or they exit.

Are You Too Eager For The Fairy Tale ‘Ending’? The Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ Revisited

July 30, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

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Back in 2009, following what at the time I considered to be an alarming number of emails and comments from readers who had been burned by an ex that had contacted them via their alumni site or Facebook, I wrote about the trap of the returning childhood ‘sweetheart’. You know who I’m talking about – they’re normally just fresh out of a relationship, possibly with the person they burned you for all of those years ago, or they’re actually literally just separating or just fishing around on email wanting to chat about ‘old times’ which soon head into steamy territory.

If you respond, you’re either delighted to hear from them because it’s a huge source of validation after possibly never fully getting over them, or you have “What if?” curiosity and convince yourself it’s ‘serendipity’… even if the last time you were in touch, it was to slap them with a restraining order.

Over the past three years, thanks to Facebook (or Fauxbook or Fakebook depending on your feelings towards it), incidences of having your heart broken by someone from your past who returned into your life in a blaze of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding glory are frighteningly common. I’m still genuinely surprised that people find hook ups and new dating prospects on Facebook, or even manage to juggle several flirtations at the same time on there.

The Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ is basically fantasy relationship territory.

It’s not that there aren’t incidences of people who lost touch under healthy circumstances who bump into one another randomly or end up reconnecting at a group gathering, but I just don’t understand why so many people think that there is a fairy tale and a pot of gold at the end of the crumb communication rainbow, where someone who didn’t treat you with love, care, trust and respect all of those years ago, or someone who cheated, or broke your heart, or even ditched you while you were pregnant, or just wasn’t a great person and had a penchant for telling lies… is now a ‘happy ending’. What the what now?

Too many people want the fairy tale and too many people are stuck in the past.

The problem with the Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ is that they get back in touch because when they flick through their mental Roladex of people who think that the sun shines out of their arse, are still likely to hold them in high esteem and are likely to drop everything for the possibility of being with them, or will at least stroke their ego and engage in some sexting or a weekend fling, they think of… you.

They’re stuck in the past too and in an eagerness to press their Reset Button and connect with a part of them that’s seen better days (or is even extinct…) , they use you like a time travelling machine to feel ‘young’ or ‘sexy’ or whatever again. They often have a few ‘Poor, Poor Me Tales, or even This One Time At Band Camp yawnathons, or have casually omitted their partner and children from their lives, and will lay the charm on thickly with a trowel.

When Your Ex Returns AGAIN, It’s An Opportunity To Do Right By You

April 13, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Five years ago, a reader got in touch after her Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ breezed back into her life after nearly 20 years, Future Faked and Fast Forwarded her off her feet, gradually started to blow lukewarm, then cold, and then unceremoniously dumped her for a woman closer to home because he couldn’t handle the long distance…even though she was moving there. Devastated, as she thought this was her second chance after nearly a decade long dating hiatus, she couldn’t comprehend how he could bust her heart into a million pieces all over again. Yet would you believe it, just like Mike Myers in Halloween, this man is back for a third attempt.

Now at this point, there are two paths to choose between: the path of least resistance, or change? So what do you think happened next?

She went down the path of least resistance, re-engaged, and started contemplating a third future with him. He admitted that he has issues (no sh*t Sherlock) but then made no indication of whether he is dealing with them and in fact seems resigned to them. When he got in touch the second time, it was after his divorce and this time, he’s got in touch after his relationship with the woman he left he for has ended. Flattering, not. He doesn’t really have anything to offer, he hasn’t dealt with the issues that broke their relationship, he doesn’t like to be alone, and he’s basically looking for a quick fix from the woman he can always rely on to get a good reception.

I was horrified that she would actually even contemplate putting her hand back in the fire again, not least because this man has had her heart and her hurt for all of her adult life. Where does this end? She’s not alone – I heard from a reader who has been doing this for fifty years.

As I was shoving stuff into the washing machine, I thought of this woman’s mother who passed away recently and made her promise that she’d go and live her life. I then thought of some of the very heart-wrenching comments and emails that I read from so many others in the same situation and then it came to me:

When your ex who broke your heart for whatever reason, comes back into your life, it’s an opportunity, just not for what you think.

As I said to her “He could equally be back to give you an opportunity to make things right with you and knock this whole palaver squarely on the head. It’s a test of your resolve, your emotional backbone, and an opportunity for you to gain closure, not so much on him (although this will be gained), but also on the things that have rumbled around in your head all of these years. You have an opportunity to grab your regrets and knock the wind out of their sails.” This could be you.

Why You’re Nobody’s ‘Option’

June 17, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

It’s Friday night here in the UK and I’m pretty sure, as happens every weekend, that some of you will be waiting for that ‘certain someone’ to call/text/email about the possibility of making arrangements. Some of you by the time you read this will have ended up making last minute plans and have been on tenterhooks all week watching your phone etc for ‘The Big Invite’ and some of you will end up sorely disappointed either because you don’t hear from them or because when you do, it’s at some obscene hour or they behave like a twit.

Here’s the thing: When you wait around for someone to ask you out and you put yourself on layaway so that you can be available should they see fit to ‘make contact’ and dignify you with their presence, you inadvertently communicate that not only do they not have to value your time or even you as a person, but that you’re an option. An option I might add, that could do with filling up their life with better pastimes than being lastminutedate.com. or Dial-a-Lay.

The weekend thing is just one example of many where you communicate that you’re OK with being an option. Here’s a few more:

No matter how many times they reject you or the relationship, you’re up for another sequel – A Nightmare on Relationship Street #135

You say you’ll ‘wait’ even when they tell you not to.

They say they don’t want to commit and want to keep things casual and you play the ‘long game’ so that if they spontaneously combust into being available, you’ll be ready to ‘step in’.

They’re dating/sleeping with others and even though it makes you feel like crap, you stick around.

You sit at the round table in their harem, fawning over them and competing for their attention.

They say “You know where I am if you change your mind” after you told them to take a run and jump because they’re attached/otherwise unavailable/a dipstick.

You play The Good Girl/Guy and suckerdart yourself to them as Friend of the Year post breakup so they can recognise your greatness, validate you, and hopefully see the error of their ways – they think “Hmmm, looks like they’re OK with being tapped up for a shag from time to time”.

They can call you up at any time of night and sextext with you or arrange to hook up.

No matter how much time has passed and no matter how flimsy or bad the history, they can come back. Don’t believe me? Just ask many of the people who get caught out by the Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’.

What Hooks You in Your Relationships? Understanding the combination of hooks, picturing & potential

September 22, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Yesterday I explained about how when we tell ourselves ‘stories’ about why we are with someone, why we think we feel so much for them and why we can’t let go of the relationship, these are ‘hooks’. They often inexplicably draw you to the person and common examples of them are money, status, pain and problems, regret, appearance, disinterest and rejection and sex and passion to name but a few.

“Hooks will become your ‘blind spots’ because they affect your ability to see the person in their entirety because you instead, allow these hooks to carry so much weight that they distort your perception of the relationship, them and even you….We latch or ‘hook’ ourselves onto something and then based on being attracted to it, we correlate it to the rest of the person and assume that they will possess other qualities and characteristics that someone we believe is ‘right’ for us will possess.”

While I will be doing a separate post to further discuss ‘unhooking’ yourself, it’s important to understand how you use potential to get hooked.

Over the years I’ve warned many women in particular, of the perils of betting on potential.

This is where you bet on the potential of what you think someone could be based on behaviour that they may have briefly exhibited at the beginning of the relationship or you bet on the potential of characteristics and qualities that you assume they have. You’re either stuck in the past wondering why they can’t go back to being what they were or stuck in the future, willing, waiting, and hoping for them to come good on realising your vision. If you’re a Florence Nightingale, partial to fixing, healing, and helping for instance, you’re the type of person that will see potential in pain and problems.

Realising a potential that you have envisioned for the relationship, even if there is evidence that suggests that you should abort the mission, is what hangs you off the ‘hooks’.

The more overactive your imagination and the less inclined you are to be actions focused and match them with words, is the more potential you will see in people and your relationships. If you don’t reconcile reality with your vision, it’s a bit like having a relationship with your ‘hooks’ or your imagination.

The Trap of the (Returning) Childhood ‘Sweetheart’ Part 2

February 11, 2009 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

In part one a couple of days back, I explained why a childhood sweetheart reappearing in your life may not be the start of your real life fairytale. This isn’t because there aren’t some incidences of people genuinely reconnecting and having a happy ending; it’s just that when you couple one sneaky man with a hidden agenda with a woman who is unlikely to ask enough questions and likes to bet on potential, then mix that with a possible dubious history between them both in their past, the likely result is…disaster.

Any person, no matter what the history, how they came into your life, and what they claim to be, can essentially claim to be anything they like. It would be nice if we could assume that everyone had good intentions, was upfront, and truthful, but this is the real world. This means that whilst no-one is expecting you to play Columbo or Miss Marple, having healthy relationship behaviours, with decent self-esteem is a surefire way to ensure that you don’t just welcome people back into your life with none or very little questions, or ignore red flags; you’ll see the wood for the trees and process that information to see if it sits well with you.