Have you ever felt so embarrassed about something (or even ashamed) that you try to avoid any and everything to do with it? I remember walking by St Stephen’s Green in Dublin and seeing a guy who I had an ambiguous flirtation going on with. Strutting in my wedge heels, next thing I found myself sprawled out on the pavement with my legs in the air. There was an audible gasp from the crowd queuing outside the club and then some laughter, including mine which disguised my deep embarrassment and even masked my tears of pain. Mor-ti-fi-frickin-cation. Every time I saw him after that, I steered well clear of him, which turned out to be a blessing as I discovered he was Mr Unavailable with a girlfriend stowed away.
Being really embarrassed or even ashamed and keeping a distance as a result of these feelings, isn’t limited to embarrassing moments though – I hear stories about parents, exes, and even one night stands that serve as a reminder that while it is so easy to make someone’s behaviour about us, there can be ‘deeper’ reasons than anything we’ve managed to come up with (normally a ‘one false move’ that we’ve pinned it on) or various inadequacies that we think we have.
I’ve said it many times before and I’ll say it again – It’s not about you. What others do and be (or fail to) is about them. Yes it can hurt and directly impact us as a consequence of their mentality, actions, and even their Overactive Pride ‘Thyroid’ but don’t get it twisted and think that you’re capable of Jedi Mind Tricks.
In the chapter The Making of a Fallback Girl in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, one of the issues I talk about is how some parents are so ashamed by their absence or what they’ve done, that rather than step up and at least make a good attempt at trying to build some bridges and be present now, they keep their distance out of shame.
“Sometimes they do regret their actions but instead of the issue taking precedence, their pride does. This means that they don’t do anything to make the original abandonment and hurt right because of their own shame and what they think you might say or do.”
You end up being a reminder of a ‘version’ of themselves that they’d rather disassociate themselves from even if you’re holding out an olive branch, a Reset Button, and some white wash. It’s like they can’t get past this and end up heaping on more pain. They may even be afraid of screwing up some more or having to be accountable and answer questions. Even if they attempt to forge a relationship with you, explanations and questions may prove too ‘taxing’ and so you end up keeping it zipped so that they stick around and you end up with an unsatisfactory ambiguous relationship, or they exit.
It may even be that they haven’t changed that much or at all, even if they’d hoped to, so being around you might feel ‘frustrating’ as even if you don’t specifically say it, they feel like they ‘should’ be more than they are. Next thing you know there’re avoiding you or cooking up a conflict to create an exit and ‘distract’ from them. The awful thing is that you may still be blaming yourself when you really shouldn’t be.
When you’ve had an unhealthy relationship with an ex, some will show up and keep showing up because they’re shameless (and may even believe that the issues and their own contribution were not ‘that bad’) and others, steer clear because their involvement with you may remind them of a them that they’d rather leave firmly in the past. Maybe they know that they’ve already caused more than enough pain. Maybe they know that they’d struggle to explain themselves. Maybe apologies aren’t their strongest suit. Maybe they just want to move on and have a ‘fresh start’. This might mean that they’ve changed or are in the process of changing (or so they think), or it might just mean that they’ve changed the setting and the characters.
It’s not unusual to hope for an ex, even if they didn’t treat you that well or even treated you really badly, to at least attempt to get in touch with you or even attempt to get back together. It’s that part of you that wants validation. It’s like when you’re not invited to something that you don’t want to go to but you feel insulted that you weren’t at least asked or like when you feel left out by a group of people that you don’t even like.
Most of us aren’t comfortable with being ‘forgotten’ and there’s definitely a lot of us that are not comfortable with people who’ve wronged us not at least attempting to show remorse. In time we learn that actually, being left alone doesn’t mean we’re forgotten (judging by the stories I read about people’s memories of their exes and the Returning Childhood Sweetheart our memories are long) and that actually, it may mean that we’re being remembered and the person knows to let things be. Some people’s way of showing that they ‘get it’ is to steer clear even though your version of them getting it might be for them to say or do something else.
Over the almost seven years of writing this blog, I’ve also heard many tales about one night stands and ‘great first dates’ or first few dates, where the two people got down and then….tumbleweeds. Radio silence from someone you’ve slept with can actually be painful to deal with. Sometimes and really, it’s in some respects neither here nor there because the net result is that you can feel discarded, a person ‘let’s loose’ on a date and ends up doing something that they feel quite embarrassed about the day after.
Maybe they feel it’s out of character, maybe they feel that they crossed the line, maybe they feel like you might think something about them – who knows? What I do know is that there are people out there that will sell you pipe dreams to get you into bed or who will judge you for sleeping with them (extra ri-di-cu-lous) but there are some people who judge themselves on their shenanigans. What you can rest assured about whatever their reasons, is that it really isn’t about you because whatever their reason, it says more about them than it does about you.
And that’s really the takeaway here: It’s not about you. People have their own emotions, mentality, motivations, fears, actions, beliefs, boundaries, values (even if you don’t agree with them), trust levels, judgement, experiences, memories, doubts, pain and more, that they’re dealing with and that directly govern what they’re going to do (or not do) in any given situation regardless of whether you’re there or not.
You have all of these same things. Remember not to judge yourself on a perspective gained from an unhealthy experience and don’t punish and berate you when what you want to happen doesn’t come to be. It doesn’t mean that these experiences won’t hurt (trust me, I’ve been the child in the parenting situation mentioned), but it does mean that they will gradually hurt less because they’re not intertwined with you giving yourself a very much undeserved hard time.
Let other people’s shame and embarrassment be their own. Don’t burden yourself.
Your thoughts?
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
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Makes perfect sense! I am really feeling the sting of being forgotten….If I really am, but realizing that this is not about ME….more about his need for a fresh start in a “normal ” relationship “…is not mine to own…it’s his.
As far as embarrassment……..due to our age difference that came through loud and clear….6 years into knowing him…my age and the fact that he had a relationship with me was totally embarrassing to him.
He was 24 when we met, I was 45.
When he turned 30…he was ready for more than what he had with me, told me he net “The One” and two weeks later texted me that he was engaged.
I’m embarrassed myself to say he had relationships with MANY women, in the time that I was with him.
As far as he was concerned, we were all special to him. The Haarem.
He wanted to keep me on as a friend.
Knowing him, I would be privy to the details of their love, the honeymoon, etc etc…. I said no.
I think it was a wise decision, but I do miss him.
Hi Susan,
I’m the same age as you are and,unfortunately, I’m only interested in younger guys.
I’ve TRIED to be attracted to men my age and older, because I was told by “well meaning” women friends that they would be more commitment prone – yeah right!
More baggage doesn’t mean more maturity or even more life experience!They suggested I was commitment phobic because I don’t want a man with children or even divorced therefore am forever pushing away the white picket fence lifestyle they are miserable in.
I’ve had a painful experience with someone 22 years my junior over 2 years ago and haven’t dated seriously since. He stayed in touch for over a year, but the sting came when he stated he had fallen in love like never before with some young drung addict, shesh! At the time someone recommended BR and I went NC. Best thing ever.
It’s hard to find support from girlfriends when you have these issues because people make it an age issue. There is no reason to feel embarrassed.
I wish you heal very quickly.
Susan, Rave
Take this with a pinch of salt, bearing in mind that I,m seeing someone fifteen years younger than me – there are suitable available men our age and up. They may be divorced(so am I) or have children. I don’t see those as issues, in fact I would quite welcome step kids now I’m too old to have my own. The children question may scupper my relationship yet, it,s on the cArds for me to discuss with him. We can’t let embarrassment and fear stop us talking about important matters.
If you will only date younger you are narrowing the field significantly. I’d say the same to men who will only date younger, especially twenty years younger. What’s wrong with someone your own age?
I don’t agree that older means he’s more likely to commit but there are issues with younger that take a lot of love and communication to overcome (same as any relationship).
Look for what matters. If you find that in someone your own age, why not? Looks and hair are not that important.
I wish the man wAs older, or even better if I was younger! It freaks me out that I will be ageing when he’ll just be getting older and growing up. But I guess it’s never perfect, you won’t meet someone perfect so make sure you compromise on the right things. Love, care, respect are non negotiable. And beware the men who are just passing through. Some, not all, assume that an older woman just wants a fling. You need to disabuse them of that notion if you suspect that to be the case.
He must whatever his age be treating you with care and respect.
Got it Grace……I always say…I was never an “older woman” , until I dated a younger man.
Still, it never stopped me from the attraction.
Susan honestly I wish that I could date younger; the only guys I am attracted to are my age and older and I wish that I could broaden my pool but I am not there yet.
Oh yes … am dealing with this now actually but in a different context. Very pertinent. Thanks!
Thanks, this is a message I really needed to hear.
Brilliant Nat – just what I needed to hear. Thank you
You seem to know exactly what I’m feeling and thinking. Thanks for the wonderful advice and support. Without these words at just the right times, I would be running back to Mr. AssClown for a second, third, and fourth helping of gut wrenching pain!!
Wow. I can’t even tell you how timely this article is. I’ve been thinking of this exact situation for the past few days. I have to stop now.
Thank you.
…”others, steer clear because their involvement with you may remind them of a them that they’d rather leave firmly in the past. Maybe they know that they’ve already caused more than enough pain. Maybe they know that they’d struggle to explain themselves. Maybe apologies aren’t their strongest suit. Maybe they just want to move on and have a ‘fresh start’….” All I can say is, wow. That IS my former fiance. I only recently starting reading this blog and have found it incredibly profound.
Thank you! I needed to hear his.I have been feeling forgotten and unvalidated.Like our 4 years together didnt mean a thing. I wish he would contact me but it is for the best.
This post pretty much saved my life this week. You are SO RIGHT. And I cannot believe how close to specific realities you get, how wise and philosophical yet clear and down to earth you are. My father left us when I was 2 years old, and all my life I blame myself for what happen in my relationships (I mean too much, I am able to critically see when I have been negative\doormat-ish, or acted out of fear and I grow from mistakes). But as you say, each person, is way too busy to deal\heal their own minds and hearts, to solely base their actions on the state of ours. Your blog has helped me so much, I think I read all your posts, they never fail to empower me and make me a better person\woman. Thank you 🙂
Anna, I agree I am always amazed by Natalie’s writing, and how some incredibly complex psychological behaviours and issues are boiled down to such readable, relatable and epiphany inducing articles! I can honestly say that in years of therapy I have never had an insight like I just did, that the reason my biological father is so painfully absent is his own sense of shame and regret…makes sense now, seems so obvious and yet it never came to mind. I love Natalie and baggage reclaim, her work has changed my life so much for the better.
If the last two heartbreakers have forgotten me, it doesn’t really matter. I am now in a wonderful relationship with someone who will stand my me through thick and thin and who will love, honor, and cherish me until the day I take my last breath. This person is someone who has always been there. I was just too blind to see that this person was ME.
PERFECT TIMING! Just needed this right now…After time of NC and reading this…I know now IT’S NOT ME!! Thank you.
This point cannot be made forcefully enough! People often steer clear of those who evoke uncomfortable feelings- shame, guilt and embarrassment being the most obvious ones many want to steer clear of. If you have conducted yourself well and your parent, friend or s.o hasn’t, then be prepared for avoidance and distancing from them. Great wisdom in this blog, thanks Nat.
I’ve experienced my share of shame more than two years ago. My ex AC, with whom I had an unbelievable chemistry, disappeared on me. Basically, I left to visit my family in Europe and when I got back I found out through his friend that my AC accepted job in another city. I was in a big pain, slowly moving on, but secretly hoping that he might come back, call me and tell me he missed me. Well, weeks later, after visit to the doctor I got a phone call back from the nurse that I have an STI and she also informed me to inform my boyfriend so he can get tested. I was in a big anguish and called him. The phone call was very awkward and he basically accused me of cheating on him which was untrue.
For next two years, I couldn’t erase that AC from my mind, hoping that he might call me, apologize and make things good between us. No, I didn’t want him back as a boyfriend but I was just looking for my closure.
I know it was not about me, but I didn’t know how to deal with feeling humiliated and ignored.:(
no more drama-
y’know, i thought i was the only one who did this to myself.
this guy *abandons* you, *gives you an STD*, and then *accuses you of cheating* when you do the responsible thing and call him and tell him about the STD – i hope you see now that, instead of feeling humiliated, ignored and ashamed, you could have just been royally pissed off. closure from him? no way.
what do we expect from a duck but a quack? why do we, in some sense, accept this type of behavior? why have i pined for an EUM who was, from the very beginning, inept and incapable?
we all need to quit it.
big hugs, NMD.
Yes, CC, ducks do quack don’t they? And we expect them to not quack, but to give a thorough, sensitive and kind apology…Wow, we expect a lot from ducks, don’t we;)?
No More Drama, as someone who happens to know a thing or two (or 38) about feeling humiliated and ignored by a jackass, the best way to deal with it is to really take it on board that this assclown’s actions had absolutely nothing to do with you. I know it feels easier said than done sometimes, but I don’t want you to spend another second feeling badly about this. Your life is yours to live and enjoy and no one, especially someone like this fool, should be able to rob you of that. If anyone should feel embarassed, it’s him. Sometimes, we misjudge people and situations and we end up in a very unpleasant place. That’s okay – it happens and oftentimes, it’s how we learn. Take what you’ve learned from this and let it go. Do something nice for yourself this weekend, no matter how small, as a reminder that you deserve happiness and that it’s out there – you just have to go grab it 🙂 Hope this helps! Xoxox
I sometimes think my ex is like this. I also know she’s afraid of confrontation and I made it clear that how she broke up with me was unacceptable.
But couple of weeks ago, someone created a fake fb page to become friends with me. And I can only think of one person.
I’ve been holding it together since. But in the last week, I’ve regressed.
I just don’t understand why she won’t have the decency to just explain and apologise. But I know you’re probably right. Problem is, it doesn’t help when the rejection still stings.
Im sorry he has gotten down to trying such childish things, I know it must be SO tough for you, Toby.
I dont know…I dont know if you will be happy or even convinced if she came back and apologised and explained. You will never know if it was heart felt and that creates another level of pain. We just have to let them go. They didnt know our value when we were with them, they wont value us anymore now that it is over.
I hope you get better soon. Please hang in there.
Toby,
Take the fake FB page, as the best that she could do, to apologize. That is the best she can do…it is pathetic, it does hurt but it is IN NO WAY ABOUT YOU AT ALL!!!! ((Hugs:)))
I cried reading this. Its been a tough few weeks(work, family etc) and this reminded me of the fact that I am finding NC really tough. Further, I realised that I do want the exEUM to reach out to me, say something..do something.
But I know he wont. I perhaps remind him of how awful he was to someone who was open, respectful and nice. So the logical thing for him is to discard me. Inspite of his poor behaviour, being discarded hurts. Now he can go on and plays date-and-home with someone else that he will tell himself is “better/she can be my wife” than I was.
I will be ok too but it still hurts because this person never cared and just couldnt be honest. THAT says more about such guys than anything else could.
I’ve been where you are. On one hand, you want that validation from this man. But on the other hand, you want to know that somewhere deep down that this guys is halfway decent so you won’t feel badly for investing valuable time in him. I know it may not feel like it now, but when you are finally past this you are going to be so glad this guy didn’t get in contact with you. Right now you might be longing for him to reach out, but you might not actually be strong enough to resist him right now. And then you would be right back in a bad situation. So think of this as the one good thing that he is actually doing for you. It’s a heck of a lot better than him popping back up to do more damage.
I am very thankful that one ex in particular did not reach out to me, even when I had mixed feelings about him doing so. If I look back at that time, I know that I was still too weak and would have been setting myself up for the same pain over and over again. But it took time for me to see it that way.
@ Lia : “…you want to know that somewhere deep down that this guys is halfway decent so you won’t feel badly for investing valuable time in him.”
Spot on Lia. I feel like it was this car crash and everyday, it is a new nightmare. Some days are great, the others bring tons of pain. I gave this person empathy, sympathy, my time, energy and kindness…only to get nothing back. Nothing but nightmares and tears. I need to just accept that it was a BAD (bad bad) investment and move on..wish it was that simple..
I am not strong right now. You are right. I might be made redundant at work, having issues with family and had to cancel a holiday that was my post-EUM comfort/treat. I think about the good times with him (few and confusing times) and I want a bit of that now…perhaps I might feel human again, in the midst of all this?
I am too weak at the moment. I feel so many kinds of shattered.
Thanks Lia. Hugs.
PurpleLily, please keep yourself busy, I am NC for few months now and very proud of myself. IT is very painful, I know…I have only one regret that I was in booty call “relationship” for almost 5 years and wasted my precious time on AC who never really cared about me! All the best, stay strong sister:-)
@ Little Star : Thank you. Good on your hard work, you are doing so well. It must be/have been so tough, 5 years, woah, I couldnt have done 5 weeks with mine and how he treated me the last few days.
Yes, keeping myself busy..have heaps going on but they only make me want to reach out to him (wont, because its not congruent to my values or how I wish I live).
I wish it didnt hurt so much or feel this lonely.
It is painful to feel discarded. It’s been ten weeks NC, but I still sometimes secretly hope that he will contact me. I have absolutely no idea how I would react if he did, but I feel it would go a long way in validating some of my feelings. I will not, however, hold my breath as I realise that my version of him ‘getting it’ is simply not going to happen. There will be no mature conversation where we discuss events, express remorse, each take responsibility, etc, etc, and then wish each other well. Perhaps his way of showing he ‘gets it’ is to leave me alone or maybe he doesn’t want to be accountable for inflicting so much pain. I’m never going to find out so I will keep working on my recovery and keep telling myself that his behaviour is not a reflection of me. One of these days I’ll truly believe it.
Its unfortunate that the only two options are that he doesnt get it or he is aware of how much pain he has caused and wont do anything about it. I know how you feel. Please try not to think about it. 10 weeks NC is great work, keep at it. He will never be back but that is the best thing that can happen to you. He doesnt deserve a moment of your time.
You will believe it, sooner than you think. Hugs your way.
I would prefer someone to stay the heck away from me than to come back without holding themselves accountable. Deadbeat dad tried that one on me last year after never really trying to have a relationship with me. When I asked him why he wanted one when he hadn’t any of the other years of my life he simply stated that the past is the past and there wasn’t any reason to relive it. Sorry buster, that’s not a good enough explanation for me. I continued to press the issue for the next ten minutes or so until he snapped on me. Haven’t talked to him since…
That experience has led me to believe that some people actually do stay away because they don’t want to be held accountable for their actions, and they know that they are gonna have to be if they want to rebuild any sort of a connection with you. Personally, I’ve learned that sometimes it’s just better that way…
I absolutely cannot tell you how much I needed to read this today, and the funny thing is I haven’t been to this site for a while and I decided to pop in TODAY.
The stuff about parents isn’t something I expected to read here either but here it is. I’ve been making our continued estrangement about them not caring enough or not having any remorse. But maybe it’s just them being the cowards they’ve always been, wow.
I don’t even want them back in my life, but I’ve been making their lack of acknowledgment of what they did and their lack of attempts to reconcile a measure of how much I matter, without even knowing I was doing it.
I feel like I can let that story go now and be the precious valuable me that I’ve always wanted to let others see. Any attempts to contact me would likely only be for their agenda anyway, for me to let them off the hook probably.
Thank you for showing me this.
close to what lia said…
i spent months involuntarily fantasizing (dreaming, waking up thinking, day-dreaming) about the ex-EUM coming back begging…which would never happen, by the way…
but it recently occurred to me that, if i did hear from him again, it would more likely be in a way that would hurt me further, for which i simply have no energy or desire. i don’t want to hear he’s happy, or getting married, or to receive some half-assed apology and forgiveness seeking that doesn’t benefit me at all, or, worse, some accusation/retribution. i mean, the guy didn’t love or really validate me (not that validation is his job, but invalidation certainly isn’t) when we were together, why would he suddenly start doing so now….
so, i’m genuinely and naturally staying in my little i-dream-of-jeannie’s bottle of mutual warmth and love and respect that i create with those close to me. the bottle is really clean and pretty, and admittance is strictly on a qualified basis – but if you do get in, you get your own pillow!
Not sure why everyone wants to hear from someone when it’s over. When I told him it was over, I meant it. But even 4 months of my no contact, he was still calling, sometimes 30 times a day (which I didn’t answer)& when I put a block on his #’s he called from pay phones, leaving letters in my mailbox (not mailed… he placed in there), candy and cards on my car when I’d come out of the dept. store, roses sent to my house. How can anyone want this??? He was as cold/calculating/controlling in the no contact as he was in the relationshit. Finally I went to the county attorney & had it stopped. Did I feel I got validation from him trying so hard to contact me? No.. just total crazyness. Don’t wish for it friends. It really isn’t cool.
This post has been SO helpful to me (as are all of Natalie’s posts, but this one really resonates with me today.) I recently had a several month relationship with a man who started out hot but toward the end got pretty cold. I think he overestimated his initial interest.
In the final few weeks he was never available to see me in person, and email was our only other mode of communication. We emailed very frequently when we first started dating, but we were barely emailing at all in the final weeks. Then,he left on a three week (I think) business trip. I say ‘I think’ because he didn’t tell me how long he’d be gone – I heard from one of his friends he’d be gone three weeks! I waited a few days to see if I would hear from him while on his trip, but of course I didn’t.
Since I had no idea when or if I’d see him again in person,and he clearly was losing/had lost interest, I wrote him an email that basically said ‘I wanted to talk to you face to face before you left before your trip, but since we didn’t get to talk and I don’t know when you’re getting back, I decided to send you an email. I’m looking for a boyfriend, but I can see that you’d like something a lot more casual, and I don’t sense I’m a priority for you.’ I wrote and re-wrote this thing until it didn’t contain any anger or sadness, and was very factual – ‘I want this, but apparently you want that, so because we’re not on the same page this isn’t going to work out’ kind of thing. I thought I would get a response, and I thought the response would be a calm one that just agreed with me that it wasn’t working out,and it would finally be done. But I never heard back from him AT ALL. That was a month and a half ago. I know he got the email.
I’m hurt that I went to such pains, even though I was very hurt and liked him very much, to craft an email that was factual and didn’t blame him and yet he didn’t even have the decency to tell me he received it. Obviously by his silence I know didn’t care I was ending it, but a short, platonic reply would have been a nice thing for him to do. I had been feeling very disrespected and forgotten, but this post has really soothed me. Thank you Natalie!
DAwn
Been there and understand how you feel but by the time it’s got to the only email or only text stage he’s already left the building. And good riddance. I assure you that one day you won’t even remember what you saw in this person.
Yes it would be nice if they did x y or z but if they were that kind of person you wouldn’t have had to send the email in the first place. Ya can’t get a silk purse out of a sows ear.
Very true! Thanks so much for the insight Grace!
Dawn, I know you weren’t in true “NC” mode yet at the time you sent your letter, but your story triggered an urge to respond regarding the issue of sending letters after a break-up. In my experience, the only time breaking NC for a “final” explanatory email ever works is if you can do it SOLELY for yourself without caring at all (and I do mean AT ALL) about getting an answer or making any kind of impact. I know this is damn near impossible, and therefore a very rare exception to the generally excellent NC rule – but not entirely impossible IF you have the right mindset going in.
I know that the conventional wisdom advice is to write letters that you tear up or burn later, but not send. I hemmed and hawed with this advice for quite awhile and finally decided that I owed it to myself NOT to let his abominable behavior pass without comment. I needed to write a real letter and really email it as a way of standing up for myself – and I managed to do so with absolutely no expectation that it would have any impact on his end. I have no idea if he even read it, if it went directly to trash unopened, or if he indeed opened it and read the first word and then deleted it immediately and so all my well-crafted phrases never had an audience…
Or perhaps he did read the whole thing and then a) sniggered and saw it as an ego-stroke, b) got angry, c) couldn’t have cared less, d) found it amusing, e) felt terrible or guilty, f) respected me more, g) respected me less or (h-z) whatever other meaningless thoughts flitted through his shallow brain. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I stood up for myself for once instead of being the complacent doormat I usually am. My words went forth into the universe and for me, there was power in that.
It felt great. And I turned a corner in my break-up recovery afterwards. I know this wouldn’t work for everyone, but if you are going to break NC in this way, be really clear about your motives. Expecting a response back from him should not be one of them. Do it solely and only for yourself.
Dawn, I am so sorry that you went thru that. Reading your story made me feel really sad. Ive been there so many times..they overestimate their interest and then decide to go all AC.
I know how much courage it would have taken for you to write that email and not blame him. But the truth is, he doesnt have the strength and decency in him to respond (hell, he just doesnt have it). This is not about you, he just doesnt know how to treat someone with respect.
I felt the same when I sent a text to the exEUM, asking him if he wanted to have a chat (he broke up on the phone) and that I had no other motive than to chat. What do you know – not a word back. It hurt me so much but it clearly demonstrated that he doesnt value respect and compassion. I dont want to know someone like that.
People who love you will never forget or disrespect you. And I am SURE you have those in your life. I hope you only get stronger. We got out, life can only get better 🙂
Thanks PurpleLily! You’re absolutely right. I just have to feel good about what I’ve done and let go of the hurt of no response. I have to really internalize the fact that we have no control over other’s thoughts and actions, and that we can’t take the blame for others’crappy actions toward us – it’s about them, not us! 🙂
Hey Dawn
If it helps, the AC who brought me here got no response from me, for a pathetic two line attempt. But I spend months regretting never having said anything, for me. My truth.
Trust me, you could feel bad about that too. It is just part and parcel of the break-up. Hurt comes no matter what course you take. You will be fine, I promise:) I only think of him as a joke now, and I used to cry my eyes out.:)
Thank you for this. I’ve been driving myself crazy the past week and a half wondering why this guy I had one great date with never contacted me again after the fact. I’m learning that whatever the reason, it’s his and his alone, and nothing that I can control.
Thankyou. Both parents avoid me exactly for these reasons. It is very painful & not my doing. I’ve tried my darndest, including forgiving terrible wrongdoings, neglect & in the case of my Mother abuse as a child by both but it has all been to no no avail. Thanks parents who left me to fend for myself aged 3 & to parent my baby 1 yo sister. It is because of you both that I am as strong as steel & capable as any man I know!
Maggie
It’s just one date. I suggest we have the date, then try as far as humanly possible not to assume there will be a second date, don’t book the church, don’t fantasise and get on with life as normal. If he calls, he calls; if he doesn’t nothing has been lost, assuming you didn’t shag him, but a couple of hours of our time.
It is his reason and who cares what it is? He’s little more than a strAnger. For what it’s worth, lots of people just give good first date, and that’s their limit. Buh-bye.
There will be more dates, promise.
I know, it just gets discouraging sometimes. It’s getting harder to meet nice guys I find, so when I do, and we hit it off, I tend to get my hopes up. I’ve been working on not taking things so personally, and realizing that a date is just a date. Just because it didn’t lead to anything else doesn’t make the guy a bad person and it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with me.
Cc… knock knock… I’m still very physically ill here although. I did get through my exams… I’ve lost a lot of weight from stress
.. may I please curl up on one of your pillows & quietly observe the proceedings… I was crying on the floor like a child tonight… it’s ok… tears are mere oil for my gun as I prepare for next round of battles here… I just need a safe quiet shelter & some TLC & your genie’s bottle sounds perfect… I’m so very tired…
c’mere honey. shhhhhhh
(pets teachable)
My ex MM left the area 2 years ago. He rang me from a pay phone after a year a few times to say he was leaving his wife and coming back to me, because he couldnt get over me etc etc. Then he never called again. I waited three months then changed my number. Just heard from a friend that he is back with his wife and living near me and he has been back a few months. So hurt really, I guess I wouldnt want him back but just maybe an explanation and an apology for the pain he has caused me. That will never happen though. Just wished he had never come back and wished in a way I hadnt changed my number, maybe he would have rung to explain although probably not!!
sarah-
ok, i’m going to try to impersonate grace, particularly how she advised dawn above.
its ludicrous for us to think “oh, i won’t go anywhere tonight in case he calls” (no! go out! live your life!) or “i shouldn’t have changed my number so the cowardly, cheating MARRIED MAN i was seeing who LIED TO ME could get in touch with me to explain his behavior” (O.O?!?). its not as if you locked yourself in a vault and threw away the key – getting back in touch with you or apologizing/explaining isn’t even in his vocabulary after he bullshitted you about leaving her and then flat out disappeared.
sarah, honey, baby, darling, sweetie – wake up. and let him go. he’s a complete and utter shit. his apology is worth nothing. i feel sorry for his wife. move on.
This post reminds me of my dad, who was neglectful and alcoholic; he will not ever discuss the past, my late brother, who was very troubled, might not as well ever have existed. Writing off family was easy; I knew that they had zero to offer starting at about age 11. Tis much harder to write off relationships and human companionship in general.I am still dealing with a situation where I was the one extremely humiliated; I often wonder if I coulda, shoulda done something differently but in reality I did the most dignified thing I could; turned my back and walked away. AC does not even seem to recognize he behaved badly and that he has the right to a harem and to flirt, f!@# around with anyone he wants. He acts as though the past three years never existed between us because he cannot handle (I assume) that I called him on his behavior, something that no other woman has done. At this point, I just wish he would go away, Stop showing up for events where he knows I have to be there, stop asking to borrow my stuff, stay the !@#$ away. Sometimes I want to tell him how much pain he has caused, how badly I feel every damn time time I see him but I don’t wanna break NC.
I really get you Miskwa. I too was completely humiliated by my most recent Creep, who was someone I worked with and STILL have to work with – although I have bent myself into a pretzel figuring out ways to minimize work contact and it’s been worth the effort. I didn’t know he was the Don Juan sleaze-bag of the small town I moved to, and I’m mortified I ever had anything to do with him. I too just wish he would go away. But we work together now and then, so it’s impossible to totally get away from him. I’m doing extraordinarily well with NC under the circumstances, and THEN it gets undermined because he also shows up to functions where he knows I’ll be (sometimes with his girlfriend, sometimes even coming to work events with her! ugh).
Or he calls me on the phone about work issues (instead of just emailing me, which would serve the same purpose perfectly well) so that I have to hear his damn voice and his fake professional demeanor. When this happens, it still has the power to sully an otherwise happy work day for me. The Creep even has the nerve to say something completely inappropriate like a cheery “keep up the good work!” which I find so patronizing and dismissive. Never even a hint in his voice or tone that we ever had anything intimate between us or that he treated me like dirty dishwater at the end. I want to scream into the phone, “Oh yeah? You effing keep up the good work yourself, assh–e!!” My, that’s a nice little fantasy… but, sigh, I know that NC is best and I am really proud I have kept my dignity and not said one personal thing to him in almost a year. Continue to keep your dignity, Miskwa. Eventually, for both of us, this too shall pass.
Sadder
if you possibly have the option, why not tell him when he phones that you’re in the middle of something, heading for a meeting, can’t talk right – please email me and I’ll get back to you.
(These guys have no problem telling us they are too busy to take our calls – be too busy for his phone calls, especially when he can easily email instead – he’s just taking the piss.)
Miskwa,don’t even give him the satisfaction. It would only be an ego boost for him, knowing that he has that affect on you. Focus on yourself and your part in the relationship and the pain will begin to lessen. I had to stop pointing the finger at the AC and admit that I was a lot like him and that was part of my problem. I didn’t like seeing myself in him.
So much time spent blaming and shaming myself. This post says everything I should hear. It is just hard to take the words from head to heart.
You are better off if they don’t contact you. Sure, it tastes sweet when they do but it turns sour real fast, at least for me it did – thanks to everything I learned and am still learning here at BaggageReclaim. Before, I would have thought I won the assclown lottery. Now, no way am I getting back in the ring with him so he can punch the life out of me again.
I feel like an overacting imagination; it’s the dreamer in me. But I think I wonder if the AC’s I met are embarrassed about the way they treat, or do they, realistically speaking, actually give one fuck how I feel? I recently saw a blog post on this website that we both read a lot and post to, and I could tell it was his writing. Basically in the post, he sounded slightly remorseful for his own behavior, but after reading through it a couple times to understand what was going, there was actually no understanding on his end about what he caused me; no real reflection about his own behavior within all of this mess; no real remorse then about what he had done at all. I think it’s really weird too that he posted this thing on a freaking blog, and decided not to send it to me directly. It just basically shows he really has no understanding on himself and his own behavior, is not capable of that any time soon, and a complete validation for what I was looking for: he was never worth my time.
More recently, I got a blocked call to me phone. It kind of scared me because I never get blocked calls. I think it might have been him, but it could have been any number of the people I have had to cut out of my life. It made my imagination go wild because I don’t have any blocked numbers on my phone. I’m thinking maybe that he accidentally called me, but had also blocked my number and made a mistake? This caused a series of ruminations about why he would block my number, like maybe one of his ‘friend-girl’s told him I was a loser because I cut him out of my life and vanished. He lies to everyone about everything, so i assume this might not be far from the truth. But it could be imagination going wild again.
I need a life but I’m so stuck in rumination. I need help!!!!
acaddict-
stop. breathe. relax. nothing has changed except the thoughts whirling in your head. calm….calm….calm….
1- the mechanism that causes them to behave the way they do is the same one that allows them to excuse/ignore/interpret differently their own behavior. they are broken in this respect. they do not have the normal allotment of sym/empathy. but YOU DO. you must sym/empathize with yourself and realize that investing further in this relationshiT, which is over by the way, is a terrible idea.
2- we cannot apply our standards of behavior to the ACs/EUMs in our lives – they do not share our values. he’s not doing anything on your scale, he’s working off HIS scale. you trying to interpret this is folly, you probably won’t figure it out, and seriously, do you really want to? he’s a liar and a shit, do you really need to know more? so what if he posted there knowing you’d see it – or maybe he’s such a narcissist that it didn’t occur to him that you’d see it – but even if he did, if he isn’t remorseful and is incapable of understanding what he did to you, does it really matter?
3- NC means working on disconnecting from him in your own head – try to discipline your mind. there is no cheese up this tunnel, only confusion and pain. no more chasing your own tail in your head. find another forum to post to. you must separate from him in every way or there he will be, taunting you when he’s not even trying to.
4- making a call to someone from a blocked number is for chickenshits. for cowards. he’s a bully? every bully is a coward. do you want a bully/coward? no. so, you don’t care about that blocked number any more.
the reason you were with him in the first place is that you are not enough on your own side. but you’ve made progress, don’t undermine that progress by giving energy to this ridiculousness.
i know how hard it is. but try to step away from the fantasy, from crumbs and bullshit occurrences that you inflate into meaningful interaction – they’re not meaningful. step into your own reality, and make it full of love and understanding for yourself. you KNOW that actually letting him back into your life, for real, would be an awful idea. so kick him out of your head. starting now.
acaddict,
cc’s response and Nat’s post are spot on in my experience. BTW cc, I’ve really appreciated your responses and totally loved “there is no cheese up this tunnel..”. I agree, it is/was difficult to train my mind not to wander off into la la dreamer land. I was particularly stubborn case as Natalie can attest to but there just wasn’t any cheese. I resorted to wearing a rubber band and snapping it when my mind wandered. There’s just no point in wondering what or how ACs think, assuming they do. Good luck to you.
hi runnergirl,
yes, I like the cheese in the tunnel idea. I might try the rubber band trick, but it seems sado-masochistic. Anyways, I’m attempting to focus on myself more, but it just seems impossible to do so. I just want to explode.
hi cc, thank you for the advice. Unfortunately it feels as though I am still trapped in my own mind with all of this stuff. I hope time heals me. I’m considering whether to see a psychiatrist to get me through this insanity. Anyways, thank you.
acaddict-
just so you know, its much easier for me to advise you than to take my own advice. i had rats running around in my head for MONTHS after the ex-EUM and i broke up, it felt like i would never discipline my mind. and, frequently, yes, i felt like i’d explode.
do seek help and guidance. but be easy on yourself. this stuff is really, really, really tough to heal.
hugs
dealing with this now … nc for a month … he cheated admitted it when he was wasted then took it all back the next day… and blamed me for being a bad gf for not helping him through a tough experience …yet i still want him to validate that the relationship meant something to him… but i will never get that and i know that … anytime in the relationship i would catch him in anything boom there goes the screaming at me and head in the sand… fucking coward douche bag piece of shit !! ok now i feel better … its still a little fresh but he makes me so angry and sad at the same time eerrrr!
Oh my goodness this gives me chills.i was just thinking today after 4 months of no contact, mmm i feel a bit ‘put out’ that i seem to be forgotten.we work together so it all makes it a bit more tricky..however i looked into my inbox and oh hello a message from natalie, and it was on exactly what i had been running through my brain that morning.Puts everything all into perspective. Once again thanks you will never know how much all your words have helped me over these past 4 months and continue to do so..
Louise- I work with the AC I got involved with (many of us do)and I have been NC for almost a month now (I don’t even make eye contact with him!). Twice he has used work related questions to get me to respond to him and it just GALLS me! I give as little a response as possible so that I can avoid getting sucked into a conversation with him. But it makes me soooo mad that he forces me to talk to him!!!
formerlyrecoveredloveaddict..this is the hardest situation i have ever been in..working with the person you have had a relationship with.Nat said that no contact gives you the objectivity that you need when its over.And i can honestly say keep at it as much as you can..as this has certainly helped me.Its very hard,however take day by day..But what does that tell you about him anyway??..if he broke it off why does he want to speak to you anyway? I also constantly remind myself things that nat says about the integrity of a person and if they are trying to start something they arent going to finish then it lacks basic thought and integrity.Keep at..and keep looking at Natalies website i can seriously honestly say this is the only way i have been able to stay NC for 4 months as far as riniging and texting..having to deal with a work issue is tricky,but keep it simple and professinal.
It happened. After four months of NC he texted yesterday. “Thinking of me, how are things, take care.” I read it and thought, why now? The next thought, lazy communication. Reading Natalie’s posts over the last four months strengthened me. I felt nothing when I got his text. True, like many of you, in the beginning I longed for the contact just wondering if I ever crossed his mind. Yesterday, I finally know the answer. Natalie’s words filled my head…I deserve better. Then I come to BR last night and find this. There was so much wrong about him and last night’s blog could have easily been about him.
If you are wondering whether or not I replied, I DIDN’T. Don’t want too! Don’t need too! Won’t get back on that merry-go-round!
tell it like it is-
good for you. really REALLY good for you. even better than you realize…because its worse than lazy communication.
he opened and closed the conversation in one text, it was a true drive by. look at its structure: hi; how are you; bye. as in he didn’t leave room for a reply, or even expect one, and probably wouldn’t know what to do with one if he got it. as in he was completely just scratching his own itch. so it had entirely to do with him.
yes, exactly, there is so much that is wrong about him, ugh, god, what a loser. i know how judgmental that sounds, but still. good riddance.
i once had a guy i dated get back in touch through text (or was it IM…same thing). he essentially said ‘hi’. i wrote back ‘what made you contact me?’ he wrote … drum roll … “you’re right, i probably didn’t have a good enough reason.” !!!! paTHEtic…
so good for you!!
cc, thanks for your support. You gave me more insight. He didn’t leave room for a reply. I think the reason he contacted me is his birthday is in a few days and…well it’s really pointless to do this because it’s exactly what Nat says not to do, think up reasons why.
Tell it like it is- I zeroed in on the first three words, “Thinking of me”. Clearly, the text was all about an ego boost for him. He would have loved it if you said you were thinking about him! If it had really been about you, he would have told YOU he was thinking about YOU! Their contacts are ALWAYS about them.
formerly, I must apologize for writing me in quotes. He actually wrote you. No matter, it really still was about him. Thanks for your reply.
I am contemplating how will I deal with my mother in the future. She is a very bitter, resentful person (she never acted this way in my childhood). She is verbally and emotionally abusive. She denies all the hateful things she says to me. Then she makes up things I never said (or would ever say) to her (maybe my 2 older siblings said it, but I doubt it). She is unreasonable. Example she blames me for things that break or need repair (the air conditioner or the garage door) rather then getting maintenance some how my presence broke them (they were broken before I came back here to live. She throws my education in my face. And has the nerve to say she is proud of me (of what, she still claims to this day NOT to know what my degree is in) and then call me a loser, wicked, stinky, lazy etc. Somehow negativity is suppose to motivate me. But yeah, how will I move past this? I am known to make myself feel guilty and I will not, can not. The things she says is so absurd. If I say anything, she yells in my face to intimidate me. I honestly feel when I get away this time it will be the last. My brother and sister have basically disowned her. Now me? People say I’ll feel different when I have kids. Doubtful. I will be scared she will do it to them or degrade me to them. She will never be alone with future grandchildren and might just know them through Facebook. I feel sorry for her, but I have to protect myself. I may forgive, but I don’t forget (even if I try). She on the other hand likes to prefer nothing ever happened. I have to say goodbye to my dogs and I feel so sad about that. I’m scared she’ll hurt them. Help me?!
Sabrina
My nieces wouldn’t be left alone with my mother either, even before she became disabled. We just couldn’t trust her to know what to do in an emergency. I see her like a child (except that’s an insult to children) in that she has very limited capacity.
That said, she was nicer to her grandkids than she ever was to us. I don’t recall her ever yelling at them and definitely never hit them. It’s your judgement call, but they can be not-too-bad with other people’s chidren. It’s their own they can’t stomach. I think for them the boundaries are too fuzzy. Every hair out of place, ever perceived failing is ALL ABOUT THEM because you came out of their body. Other kids they find quite tolerable!
The nieces are rather fond of her. They don’t take her yelling (at other people, not them) to heart. They seem to see her as an odd but essentially harmless pet. I don’t know your mother but it’s worth asking yourself if there could be some benefit to your children for them to have this grandma in their life. And you never know what is possible in time. Maybe one day you can spend short periods of time with her and not want to run screaming from the room. It’s happened for me and I never dreamt that would be possible.
Thanks Natalie, both myself and my neice have mothers who are narciscists. It’s still very hard to not make it about you when you want someone like your mother to love you, and sad to know that they are not capable….much like the men you write about. And, yes both of us found some of these as that’s what we knew growing up with narcissistic shame instead of the opposite. Thank you so much for your site, it has helped me so much and I copied the links to your site and gave to my neice so she would feel better too.
One thing that I’ve learned from the school of hard knocks is if it looks like an ass, stinks like an ass, and blows hot air like an ass – it’s an ass! And nothing can change that unless the person gets serious help or undergoes radical steps to change after admitting they were a jerk. I’ve learned to stop looking for validation from anyone else except from myself regarding past relationships with crappy EUMs or even crummy friendships. The best validation I’ve gotten is realizing that nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome anyway and also that a jerk is a jerk. Of course, if your friends and family genuinely think a person in your life is a creep -it’s time to pay heed and listen. I wish I would have done it more often and saved myself a lot of pain. 🙂
So true, I agree with the part you wrote about “not that bad”. The ex EUM would apologise (via email) and then say but he felt what he did “wasn’t that bad”…
Or you get the half assed apology where he says something like “he still feels bad, but not as bad as he used to”, and he’s “sorry that you feel the way you do”. (I was thinking WTF, I don’t give a damn what you are feeling, and what do my feelings have to do with you? What about your actions that contributed to those feelings?) I actually got one of those once, and it absolutely did not help, I was enraged. If anything, a half baked apology just pisses you off even more and it sets you back on your recovery. Better off just cutting your losses and going no contact…
Yes, I agree a half assed apology is worse than none. I had a particularly nasty lying, cheating, using, person who used me then went back to her ex. I went n/c for a year, and finally felt that I wanted her to know just how badly her treatment affected me. I was pissed that I felt so bad for so long, and she ended up after all her lying and cheating with what she wanted. I felt so used and this relationshit caused me serious damage. I wanted her to know that. I was mad I was so torn up and she got off scott free. It seemed so unfair (life’s not fair, right?)
this was her response which just made me even madder!
” I try not to be cruel but am selfish so I suppose cruelty must be an unfortunate side effect of selfishness. I am a difficult and thoughtless person and seem to have left a trail of misery behind me. You met me at a weird and transient time in my life, I was single, excited about the future and free of my normal life”
Honestly all this did was piss me off worse! wish i’d never sent the letter. the thing that bugs me is her idea that” cruelty must be an unfortunate side effect of selfishness”, that’s an understatement!
By the way for those who don’t know, I’m a gay woman, and this female lover of mine is just as bad as any male A/C! The problem with women is they are even more calculating then men are, so when you get kicked in the guts by one, it has an extra added twist that no man could even conceive of!
@Pinkpanther
Gay,straight,male,female,young, old, these narcissists all play by the same set of rules- theirs! My [male] A/C said something so similar about not knowing what he wanted as he started his “exciting new life”. I have a feeling his “new” life looks alot like his old life!
I absolutely LOATH that saying when AC’s say they “aren’t that bad”, they also aren’t that bloody GOOD either.
I guess this could be true of my ex…After playing me for well over a year, I reached out to my ex as I sat in a hospital, a few hours before my best friend’s life support was turned off. I just text and explained the criticality of my friends condition, and the realisation that life is indeed too short to waste a single moment, and I asked him to just be honest with me….my plea for some kind of support and closure was met simply with “I have a girlfriend”.
He is with someone now. He is probably happy. He would never dare to look back. I would imagine I have been erased from his memory.
It wont stop me treating someone with the same degree of love, kindness and respect I gave him, but it will make me more careful.
And a word of caution…even the biggest players or EUs can settle down. My advice is to look away the minute they leave your life,because the knowledge of them finding true love is utterly devastating no matter how ‘over them’ you think you are x
Beth, EUs never change their spots. Their spots just… age.
He merely persuaded some other sucker to play the part of his EU codependent… for now. Until his EU is revealed in all its glory. Because why? Because EUs never change their spots.
Dress him up for a date, dress him up as a groom for his wedding, dress him up as a first time daddy… but those spots, you see? They don’t change. He will simply have a date, a wife, or a child in his widening cast of supporting actresses who he recruited to play bit parts in the movie of his life. Oh they’ll see his spots too, eventually, like you do now. Only then it’ll be too late. He’ll be out there doing more casting calls for more bit part players while the one in the sad wife role will be home nursing the one in the sad baby daughter role. It’ll be a blessing that your part happened in the first reel of the movie.
If you think I’m exaggerating, believe me, I’m not. EUMs are EU not just towards certain individuals in their lives. They’re EU on a permanent and persistent basis, to everyone they ever know, because they have an insurmountable problem in their minds.
He was outright cruel to you when you just needed some kindness on a very very bad day. Remember that and get angry. The anger will protect you. You see those spots? Now imagine his reaction if his current girlfriend grabbed him by the collar, leaned into his face and purred “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have your babies. I want to grow old with you and have you at my bedside holding my hand when I die.” I think you can predict what his reaction would be to that. Her character will be written out, it’s casting call time again, and previous applicants needn’t apply.
As a female motion picture director who has encountered so many of these EUMs… most male actors are narcissists and EUMs and I got rid of and am suing one tonight who thought everyone on the set wanted him including me… suing him for sexual harassment… I got a good chuckle out of your movie business analogy. Spot on, thanks!
@Recoveringloveaddict
Nope, I have no intention of telling him off; when he pushes my buttons, I put on my stony, stoic face. We Indians are real good at stoic. I am not at all like him in terms of how I treat others nor in my level of emotional availability. If I am not interested in someone for a relationship, there’s no flirting, no touching, no invites to spend the weekend with me somewhere. Zero ambiguity. No collecting attention when the one you want to be with isn’t around. I realize why I took up with him in the first place; he’s gorgeous, intelligent, and we do share many of the same core values, just not those that deal with how to treat others. My other male colleagues and the available older men of this region, have none of those attributes. I am not good at forcing myself to settle for men I have zero in common with and am not attracted to. Quality men from other areas such as Boulder and Denver wont live here in this small redneck town. I have no family connection though I take care of my father. I do this because it’s the right thing to do. I have a few female colleagues that are friends but I cannot tell them about the AC. I have had my property here assessed and right now I am not going to get for it what I need to just sell out and leave. I have lost my love of teaching during the last year. I understand that my state of emotional and intellectual starvation led me to make a bad choice; I should’ve just written off the possibility of any real life here and waited till retirement. Right now I am working on my house solo to increase it’s value, am organic farming which IS part of the authentic me, and am trying to get a new sustainability program going that would ensure that I am off campus. But, yeah, it would be really great not to be alone.
@Beth EU’s can settle down. They can also settle down and be that same Emotional Unavailable AC to someone else. Doesn’t mean a thing.
Thank you NML! Perfect! I’m just commenting now but this post showed up the same day I had a conversation with my wise daughter and she shifted my thinking in the same way. I was/am still so angry about the outrageous incident which was the cherry on top of allowing too much devaluing behavior for too long. Based on years of history of resetting after outrageousness, I was wondering if/when I would hear from the ex AC. My daughter reminded me that it was different this time. I shamed/threatened him with exposure with all of my pent up hurt and anger. I occasionally wish I had kept my cool but I think I inadvertently did the one thing that will keep him away for good.
I point blank told him I wanted him to feel as bad as I did and what I could expose to make that happen.
Since going NC 3 months ago, I’ve learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and do think that’s what I’ve been dealing with in him. So, I/my feelings are irrelevant since he has new supply for ego strokes/sex but removing his mask and exposing him is the ultimate threat. I threatened him with some specificity before I went NC for good and learned about NPD but I now realize that I unintentionally did the one thing that probably will actually end this crazy dance of several years. For clarification, whether my armchair diagnosis of NPD is correct or not, this post applies.
I still have the very painful cognitive dissonance of missing the passionate, generous, fun parts of him/us and wishing he could show up differently in my life (the fantasy) vs the reality of knowing that he treated me so callously that he has no right to any good in me. I think I did the best thing I could have by losing it on him which ensured he will never contact me again but it still
hurts like hell.
Years ago, I had a very wise instructor who’s thoughts & world view stayed with me and helped me grow. One of his POV’s was that some people avoid you out of respect. If you think about it, that’s a compliment. They may not want to tangle with you, They may know you were in the right. They may know you were the bigger person and seeing you makes them uncomfortable knowing that.No big grizzly bear ever got his feelings hurt because the smaller bears made room for him at the stream!
I have been NC with my xMM for a few weeks now. I was the one who initiated NC after informing him that I can’t be second anymore and I need full commitment (him getting a divorce). I have not heard a word from him. I guess I was expecting a heartfelt explanation of why he wasn’t able to give me what I wanted, but I got nothing. I often wonder does he think about me. I hope his life is miserable in his miserable marriage! I guess any kind of text would make me feel like I meant something to him, but oh well.
I am trying so hard to stick to no contact for the umpteenth time. I seem to be able to start it because I am so angry and upset at being lied to, disappointed and avoided, yet I can’t seem to get past the bargaining stage. It sinks in that it is over and I start to panic, make contact or pick up when he contacts to hear the lies all over again. If I could just get past that panic/bargaining stage, I could do it. The one sticking point which I may also have to let go is I lent him some money some months ago and I want it back. Apart from truly wanting it back, it’s also a reason to contact him to ask for it back.
I want this roller coaster to stop but I also can’t cope with the pain that comes once I have stopped all contact.
Should I just do nothing and try to get past the pain instead of announcing it’s over (again)?
Scarlet, I, too, kept getting to a certain point in NC and then having so much anxiety that I allowed him to suck me back in. We had been together (including my living in his house) for years before the off/on crap. There was always some unfinished business that seemed valid that led us to engage again. I believe I was experiencing cognitive dissonance, too – I couldn’t process that the same man who could make me feel so good, could also be so bad to and for me.
We had a blow up over 3 months ago and have been NC ever since – after I sent some texts telling him all about himself for the last time. I think I finally embarrassed/shamed/threatened him into silence and there’s no way he doesn’t know I think he’s an AC. I finally really got it that the situation was not going to change. More accurately, it was only going to get worse because he saw what I was willing to overlook/forgive each time and escalated. “You teach people how to treat you.”
I don’t know how much money he owes you but, however much it is, is it worth your self esteem and sanity? Is he someone who prides himself on looking good by honoring his commitments? If so, you may be able to extricate yourself and also get paid back. My instinct, though, is that a man who will take money from a woman with whom he’s having sex, is not honorable and you will not be paid back whether you continue to sacrifice yourself or not.
I will not sugar coat that it has been or is easy to keep pushing through NC but the alternative is to continue to allow myself to be treated without care or respect. I’m furious that I allowed as much devaluing and disrespect as I did and will never again accept it from him or anyone else. Lesson learned from my gut and BR. End of.
You can do it, too. Good luck and a big hug! You can and must demand better for yourself.
Thanks so much for your support FX. I have asked for support on this site before and I feel a little embarrassed that here I am again asking for support to do the same thing – cut contact; put a stop to being treated like i’m a fool and certainly not a priority. I feel weak for not being able to shut the door on someone who is giving me NOTHING. Why do I yearn for someone like that? Is my self esteem that low? I am successful in just about every other aspect of my life except standing up and saying I am worth more than getting crumbs. What is so frightening about having nothing instead of crumbs and zero self respect? I am praying for some strength to let go. Your support is so important.
Scarlett,
Just lending some more support for you.
Look, it’s okay for you to still feel attached to this assclown. It’s not fun, but it’s normal right now. But wouldn’t you like to reduce the intensity of your attachment at this stage, at least in order to make yourself feel better? For this, only NC works.
If you pictured your relationship with this assclown as a small physical token — say, a small figurine of a very unfunny clown with his hairy ass hanging out. And your Mr EU has tossed this thing on a blazing fire, which is a terrible sight for you to behold. STOP putting your hand into the fire to try to pull it out. You can’t. You mustn’t. You’re only harming yourself and Mr EU is standing there chuckling at you like you’re crazy. STOP contacting him. That’s putting your hand into the fire again and again.
Wait til the fire goes down. Don’t keep looking at it. Turn your back for a bit and put your mind on something else while the flames die off. You don’t have to let go and forget, just wait a decent while. Once things have cooled off, take a look at what’s there. You can pick it up and examine it, whatever is left of this figurine. It may be that nothing’s left and you find you don’t really mind too much. It may be that it’s an ugly misshapen thing that makes you a little sad but then you wonder why you wanted to save it in the first place. Now, I’m also a romantic at heart, so I’m also going to suggest that there’s a tiny chance that the fire transformed that figurine into something else which is much more beautiful and appropriate which the two of you might agree some day to share again, under completely different terms, in another stage in life. Who knows, that’s for another day. Right now, just stop putting your hand in the fire, okay?
I really appreciated this article. And wanted to share a personal experience as testament that this can indeed be the case.
I dated a man off/on for several years. During this time we became very close, particularly in the end, both in terms of relationship and friendship. It seemed headed somewhere special.
That is, until he sent a ‘booty call’ type text to me instead of his intended recipient. I was out of town, so I knew it wasn’t meant for me.
I was gutted. And sent him texts and called him, asking how he could do this to me. Why not just end it with me first to save me the heartache?? He didn’t respond and never answered the phone. I felt abandoned and that I didn’t mean anything. That hurt most of all.
It took me months to truly feel better. And then, about 8 months later he called…. He wanted to say sorry. And explained that the reason he split without a word was because he was mortified with embarrassment.
Doesn’t make it better or make him a better person. I think it was cowardly. But obviously, so does he.
I just think that many people hide when they’ve acted badly. But they know it. Most just don’t ever admit to it.
Griselda, thank you SO much. Great analogy.
I can’t tell you how much your analogy has helped me Grizelda. I have been told and thought about a million reasons why I should not contact him and yet I still find it so hard to resist. However your post is the first thing that has truly resonated with me and today i have been able to resist because I just kept thinking I cannot burn my hand. It’s night time here in Australia and I have lasted one whole day thanks to you.
And thank you too, I’m flattered by that!
You and I and all the other ladies on this site have beautiful and exquisite psyches that are curled up in the foetal position on the floor in the corner. All because assclowns with identifiable mental/behavioural disorders have put us there. We’ve been, and are being, emotionally abused. Of course our first instinct is to reach out and beg to our abusers to stop, to comfort us, to love us. Which isn’t going to happen because they’re our abusers. So isn’t it a better plan for us to flee the scene while we still can? Once we flee the scene (that’s another NC analogy for you), we put some distance behind us so we can breathe and check our damage and start to relax. Only then should we turn around, look back, and see what’s what.
I have to admit, I differ a little from the wonderful and wise Natalie in that I’m a romantic who takes a long term view. All of my former lovers, partners, liaisons and crushes have — in one way or another — returned to me of their own volition, explained themselves, and in a couple of cases, offered much more of themselves for another chance. The one who shattered my heart first, and worst, took 11 years to do so, but it was gratifying when he did. He shared with me an incredible story of karma revenge — what he did to me, a woman did to him in a much much worse way a couple years later. He made the ‘what goes around comes around’ connection, and he ‘got’ the universe’s lesson. He would like to see me again some day. Other men took from 3 months to 3 years to come back to me — not to pester me, but to express earnest clear-eyed regret and in some cases carefully considered desire and a hope that I might consider seeing them some day. I never took up any of the offers, though, through my own choice.
I don’t want to raise false hopes with you. Everyone’s different. And your own hopes will alter and change over time as well, with or without assclown. But the more years one spends on this earth the more one becomes aware that connections that were joyful to us even for a short time remain forever with us on both sides. There may be — may be — a future time and place to reclaim your love, but the time is not now. It’s too hot to handle. Let it cool a good spell before you pick it up and examine it.
I feel kind of sick to admit I did this not that long ago.
I fell into a conversation while in a coffe shop that I wasn’t really very interested in, feigned interest to seem “nice”, and ended up agreeing to meet someone for a date at a public place.
I did tell him I was uncomfortable giving him my number, but I did assure him I was going to be there.
Then later I realized he was homeless (!) and I wasn’t all that interested anyway. I was just faking it and not setting a good boundary that I really just wanted to write on my computer.
I got so twisted and felt so horrible that I stood him up and put it out of my mind and have avoided the shop since.
Ugh.
I know he goes there nearly every day and it has ocurred to me to apologize, but I don’t really know what to say, or if it even bothered him.
Hey Natalie,
whether he changed, became a better person or hit the re-set button I will never know…and don’t care…cause He is married now but it always bothered me that after a two year relationship…many red flags, and a three day disappearing act with no contact..I was told by his boss who was a good friend of ours..more his.. that he fell out of love with me…I made a gigantic fool of myself afterwards..texting..etc and after a long silence, he texted me Hope you have a good Thanksgiving..I no contacted..blocked number..and that was it…lots of pain…lots of doubt..lots of self criticism…but lots of me time..and eventually I learned that I am better off..and really much happier..I have always wondered why (before he got married he never at least got in touch) he is probably a dous—bag but I like to think people have some heart…this blog gave me an ok possibly…very insightful…but your right its not about me…just would have helped to have a decent closure..thanks Natalie