You’re on a date and pass on going back to their place. Or, maybe you’ve arranged to go on a date and opt not to give out your phone number yet. Perhaps your co-worker wants you to take their work, and you decline despite your fear of being disliked or not looking like a ‘team player’. Maybe you finally say no to your parents. If they respond in a less than favourable manner to what basically amounts to your boundaries, does this mean that your boundary is wrong? Um, no!
In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain why it’s unrealistic to expect people to be all-singing and dancing about our boundaries even when our boundaries are entirely fair and reasonable.
**I mention a London meetup in the episode. Details: April 6th 2019, 12pm – 1.15pm, Le Pain Quotidien (near Victoria Station), 128 Wilton Road, London, SW1V 1JZ
When things don’t proceed after we asserted a healthy boundary (e.g. not wanting to have sex when we don’t know someone or we don’t want to), it feels unfair. There’s a sense of indignation and rejection because we can’t understand how our boundary makes us ‘wrong’ (it doesn’t).
Sometimes people are surprised at our boundary, not because it’s ‘wrong’ but because they are unfamiliar with a boundaried us. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t have boundaries but we also shouldn’t be surprised that they just expect the status quo to continue regardless of whether it’s good for you or not.
Boundaries: knowing the difference between us and others, and knowing what does and doesn’t feel good and right for us so that we can live our life in alignment with our values.
It’s not that we don’t want to have healthy boundaries but the that we conflate the value, necessity and validity of boundaries with gaining agreement from others.
You have a say in your own life, and behave like someone who has agency, so someone who believes that they are in charge of their life. You know where you stand, that you have a say in what happens to you and that you have some ability to shape your circumstances. People know the line when you know the line.
Boundaries are two-fold, so when you set or know what the boundary is for others, you create that boundary for you too. That removes the ‘telling people what to do’ element out of them.
We get angry at other people’s seemingly negative responses to our boundaries because, especially when we’re aware of how ludicrous the other person’s request or expectation might be, we see ours as the prevailing boundary. The ‘right’ one. So when they, express their discomfort, we feel offended by what we see as the dismissal of our boundaries and the ‘importance’ of theirs.
Boundaries don’t hurt people’s feelings. The story they tell themselves about the expectations and the person’s boundaries ‘hurt’ feelings.
Just because someone has a need, it doesn’t mean that we have to meet it.
It is OK for people to get upset, to feel uncomfortable, to act weird, to not want to go on more dates or whatever. That’s their stuff.
Sometimes all someone needs out of a situation is a clear no.
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
I’m sorry to hear about your brother, Natalie – sending good thoughts your way.
This podcast was helpful. While I have not had a boundary issue recently, a co-worker who I was friendly with has suddenly changed in demeanour towards me and been a bit cold and critical. This helped as a reminder that someone else’s feelings may well have nothing to do with me, and that I don’t have to try to “fix it”.
It’s disappointing as the workplace I’m in isn’t that friendly and I feel a bit isolated there. It was really nice to have someone to have some fun chats with. I’ve been trying to think about whether it’s something I did, as I’ve seen this person stressed before, and it’s never resulted in this sort of energy/shift in dynamic.
The only thing I can think of is a comment I made that may have bothered them, but it was quite minor/nothing serious or even relating to them. Now they have accused me of being negative a number of times in response to comments that I really didn’t think were negative at all (one instance was literally in relation to a comment about the weather). I also mentioned something about an issue that everyone is curious about, and they essentially indicated that I was hoping for something bad to happen (which isn’t the case).
It’s affecting me more than I would have expected – maybe because of how the workplace is overall. It somewhat has me questioning my likability, to be honest.
I’ve tried to back off and just give the person some space, thinking maybe they are just not in a good space right now and it has nothing to do with me, but the dynamic hasn’t shifted back.
I guess maybe I just need to accept that things have changed and I don’t know why, but I’m not sure how to let it go and have it not bother me. I’m realizing that growing up, since no one ever talked about anything, I was really tuned in to any shifts like this, and had to try to figure out on my own what was going on. It was a lonely and confusing place to be. Maybe as a result these sorts of situations trigger me a bit more than what would be expected.
NATALIE
on 26/04/2019 at 12:41 pm
Thanks Ella.
Given that work is somewhere you spend a significant chunk of your week, their shift in attitude is bound to feel very uncomfortable. The thing is, if you keep trying to push a connection with them, you will only feel even worse and potentially aggravate the situation even further. Without this person saying what it is that you’re supposed to have done or explaining their own behaviour, trying to retrace your steps is a bit like asking ‘How long is a piece of string?’
They seem to feel that there’s a negativity, and this may be a manufactured issue or something that they genuinely believe and are now using that to put up a barrier. Work is one of those places where the professional boundaries and expectations come first and foremost. Friendship, as in genuine friendship, or even just people who you actually like and appreciate, is a bonus. Now, if it’s a high up there in your values to work in a friendly environment, then the issue isn’t so much this person but that you’re working in the wrong place. It might also be too much to bank all of your friendship energy on this person because your need to try and have a bestie in the place might be blinding you to who they really are.
You have a couple of choices:
Something like “I’ve noticed that there seems to be an awkwardness between us over the last few weeks, and given that we used to get on and that we also have to work together, I thought it best to attempt to clear the air. Am I misunderstanding the atmosphere between us, or is there an issue?”
Or… you acknowledge that you haven’t said or done anything to warrant being treated that way, and accept that this person has their own stuff and is responding from their own place… just as you are.
The thing is, even if you have perceived a shift, that doesn’t mean that it has anything to do with you. That’s just a habit of thinking. Trying to identify what is coming up from your past and opting to respond differently so that you don’t have to feel like that lonely and neglected child any longer, will allow you to move forward.
Roby
on 06/04/2019 at 8:04 pm
Hi Nat,
I empathise with you and your family and wish you the best! X
Your podcasts are brilliant as usual. It’s funny cause I have recently had a situation at work where I found myself having to set boundaries because ‘Too much was too much’. I have always been the people pleaser kind and felt guilty to set boundaries and say no to people because I am scared of their reaction or what they may think of me. Unfortunately this has always caused me to burst when the situation becomes unsustainable because some people just don’t know when to stop asking you favours and taking advantage of your inability to say ‘no’. So, lately a co-worker has sent me a long and what sounded rather ‘flattering’ text saying that she has always cared for me (I have been in the company and known her for a year and a half) and she knows I am a genuine, good and hard-working person but she has noticed I have changed towards her and other people and acting weird and she hopes the old and real me (that was not the real me as I was feeling rubbish having to please all the time) would be back. I did not reply to her straight away as I have got into this new habit of waiting until I feel ready to reply to important text as I need time to think… so she called me after a while. I told her that yes I admit that I have changed but it is not personal, we are still friends and I have just changed towards certain situations (which I explained to her).I tried to explain that we cannot be exactly the same all the time as everybody can go through stuff in their life (including me right now) and that I hope she and the others could be more understating towards me. When she said I had sounded sharp sometimes when they were asking for help at work I said that it was not my intention to sound rude, dismissive or anything and that I was sorry if they had that impression. I thanked for her feedback obviously and said we are still friends and that I am still willing to help when/where I can.
Now I cannot stop thinking on whether I have used a tone of voice which sounded rude or sharp with them or it’s actually me setting boundaries causing this reaction because it’s the first time I do that. I would never want to sound rude or anything and of course my people pleasing side is telling me I did. However, I must admit I feel happier since I started setting boundaries!
Needless to say, I am now scared I will go back to people pleasing mode because of this.
NATALIE
on 26/04/2019 at 12:48 pm
Thanks Roby. I don’t know that that was a “flattering” text. While it may not have been their intention, a lack of self-awareness has meant that she’s felt the need to, as such, take you to task via text for not being the pleaser you’ve been in the past. Now the thing is, she might not be aware of your deal. On a deeper level, she’s likely aware of your pleaser inclinations, but may not be aware of how this is something she’s benefited from. The key thing here is to acknowledge what you’re being complimented for. Write down what you used to do, and how it used to affect you. It’s not that you are being rude; you’re not running around pleasing people at your expense.
You said more than enough and you don’t need to change anything. If the issue is arranged again, let her know that you used to be a people pleaser and that gradually took a toll on your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. While you do enjoy helping people where you can and want to, doing things to be liked, and, yes, allowing you to be used sometimes, meant that you were doing what were sometimes good things, but for the wrong reasons. It is not a personal thing to her, and of course it must feel weird to people that you’re not the Energiser Bunny of favours anymore, but that you hope that people can respect the need for you to be more authentic and to say no when you need to without being accused of being someone terrible.
Julie
on 07/04/2019 at 6:58 pm
Natalie really sorry to hear about your brother, hope he is found soon and safe. I know how awful it is when someone close goes missing when mentally unwell. It is such an anxious / stressful time…..
Roby, call me cynical and I could be wrong, however all I could think is that your co worker is trying to manipulate you into doing things for them again. If they are not so keen on the *real* you then so be it. Being you is the path to more authentic relationships, so overall you and your life will benefit and the people that don’t like it, they aren’t your people. Your people will like the real you. Don”t go back to your people pleasing as you will lose out and feel resentful.
NATALIE
on 26/04/2019 at 12:49 pm
Thanks Julie. And you are 100% spot on about Roby’s colleague. She was criticising her for not being what was actually the fake version of herself. If anything, it’s a sign to keep going!
Arora
on 09/04/2019 at 12:34 am
I like your Jeopardy tune lol
how cute are you?
NATALIE
on 26/04/2019 at 12:49 pm
Haha! Thanks Arora!
Arora
on 09/04/2019 at 12:44 am
I think we should have a high school course on boundaries. How much better would we all have fared with a proper education? With classes like: Interpersonal Boundaries, Taxes, Mortgage, etc.
NATALIE
on 26/04/2019 at 12:50 pm
Absofrickinlutely!
EMC
on 15/04/2019 at 11:42 pm
So timely Nat, thank you! I have such a difficult time telling friends and family no, especially since they’re generally very giving and available for me, so I don’t want to hurt their feelings. 95% of the time I am available and commit to the things they ask, but the few times I’ve said no, I get hurt reactions, or persistence, or even statements that try to make me feel guilty, and then I often get hurt that they are hurt with the fact I say no. Sometimes I end up backpedaling, and give in to the request at hand, after I’ve already said that I have too much on my plate, because I’ve taught friends and family that I don’t have strong boundaries, or that their reactions will get me to change my mind. I do enjoy the time and energy I spend in these relationships, but I have many of them and can be emotionally drained trying to maintain them, to where I end up putting off my needs, endeavors and responsibilties, and then I shut down or react angrily toward them.
This was the perfect podcast to listen to the other night…I had been rushing around from sun up till sun down all that week, and decided to take an evening to myself, turning down a couple of invitations. Thanks again, Natalieb for helping me to understand the reality of not being able to help other people’s feelings and behavior and that it’s perfectly acceptable for me to say no when I really need it.
NATALIE
on 26/04/2019 at 12:53 pm
Thanks EMC. While your friends and family generally mean well, no doubt, I think you need to reevaluate what “giving and available” means because, actually, the reoccurring issue here is that you feel as if you owe them, and they feel owed. Which means that it’s not so giving at all. It’s ‘giving’ with strings, that become very apparent the moment you don’t jump to their beat. And, you’re right: the pattern has been established, in part, due to you capitulating to previous demands and so creating the impression that you do indeed owe them a ‘yes’ at all times and at all costs.
Dani
on 24/06/2019 at 1:43 pm
Hi, I really love your blog 🙂 You know, I’ve been seeing this guy, and on the second date I went to his place. Things escalated quickly but I told him I didn’t want to have sex yet. He asked why. And I told him that I wanted to get to know him more, and that usually when I sleep so soon the guy loses interest. And he told me that he wouldn’t change the way he sees me, or perceives me, If I had sex with him. And he got upset because he thinks that I didn’t have sex with him because, in his words, ‘I dont like him enough’. That’s just dumb. I explained to him that I really like him but I just didn’t want to have sex just yet.
This would be the second day he doesn’t text me. I texted him two days before, asking how he was doing, and we chatted. But I want him to text me… Should I wait for later today and send him a text? I don’t want him to think I’m not interested!
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I’m sorry to hear about your brother, Natalie – sending good thoughts your way.
This podcast was helpful. While I have not had a boundary issue recently, a co-worker who I was friendly with has suddenly changed in demeanour towards me and been a bit cold and critical. This helped as a reminder that someone else’s feelings may well have nothing to do with me, and that I don’t have to try to “fix it”.
It’s disappointing as the workplace I’m in isn’t that friendly and I feel a bit isolated there. It was really nice to have someone to have some fun chats with. I’ve been trying to think about whether it’s something I did, as I’ve seen this person stressed before, and it’s never resulted in this sort of energy/shift in dynamic.
The only thing I can think of is a comment I made that may have bothered them, but it was quite minor/nothing serious or even relating to them. Now they have accused me of being negative a number of times in response to comments that I really didn’t think were negative at all (one instance was literally in relation to a comment about the weather). I also mentioned something about an issue that everyone is curious about, and they essentially indicated that I was hoping for something bad to happen (which isn’t the case).
It’s affecting me more than I would have expected – maybe because of how the workplace is overall. It somewhat has me questioning my likability, to be honest.
I’ve tried to back off and just give the person some space, thinking maybe they are just not in a good space right now and it has nothing to do with me, but the dynamic hasn’t shifted back.
I guess maybe I just need to accept that things have changed and I don’t know why, but I’m not sure how to let it go and have it not bother me. I’m realizing that growing up, since no one ever talked about anything, I was really tuned in to any shifts like this, and had to try to figure out on my own what was going on. It was a lonely and confusing place to be. Maybe as a result these sorts of situations trigger me a bit more than what would be expected.
Thanks Ella.
Given that work is somewhere you spend a significant chunk of your week, their shift in attitude is bound to feel very uncomfortable. The thing is, if you keep trying to push a connection with them, you will only feel even worse and potentially aggravate the situation even further. Without this person saying what it is that you’re supposed to have done or explaining their own behaviour, trying to retrace your steps is a bit like asking ‘How long is a piece of string?’
They seem to feel that there’s a negativity, and this may be a manufactured issue or something that they genuinely believe and are now using that to put up a barrier. Work is one of those places where the professional boundaries and expectations come first and foremost. Friendship, as in genuine friendship, or even just people who you actually like and appreciate, is a bonus. Now, if it’s a high up there in your values to work in a friendly environment, then the issue isn’t so much this person but that you’re working in the wrong place. It might also be too much to bank all of your friendship energy on this person because your need to try and have a bestie in the place might be blinding you to who they really are.
You have a couple of choices:
Something like “I’ve noticed that there seems to be an awkwardness between us over the last few weeks, and given that we used to get on and that we also have to work together, I thought it best to attempt to clear the air. Am I misunderstanding the atmosphere between us, or is there an issue?”
Or… you acknowledge that you haven’t said or done anything to warrant being treated that way, and accept that this person has their own stuff and is responding from their own place… just as you are.
The thing is, even if you have perceived a shift, that doesn’t mean that it has anything to do with you. That’s just a habit of thinking. Trying to identify what is coming up from your past and opting to respond differently so that you don’t have to feel like that lonely and neglected child any longer, will allow you to move forward.
Hi Nat,
I empathise with you and your family and wish you the best! X
Your podcasts are brilliant as usual. It’s funny cause I have recently had a situation at work where I found myself having to set boundaries because ‘Too much was too much’. I have always been the people pleaser kind and felt guilty to set boundaries and say no to people because I am scared of their reaction or what they may think of me. Unfortunately this has always caused me to burst when the situation becomes unsustainable because some people just don’t know when to stop asking you favours and taking advantage of your inability to say ‘no’. So, lately a co-worker has sent me a long and what sounded rather ‘flattering’ text saying that she has always cared for me (I have been in the company and known her for a year and a half) and she knows I am a genuine, good and hard-working person but she has noticed I have changed towards her and other people and acting weird and she hopes the old and real me (that was not the real me as I was feeling rubbish having to please all the time) would be back. I did not reply to her straight away as I have got into this new habit of waiting until I feel ready to reply to important text as I need time to think… so she called me after a while. I told her that yes I admit that I have changed but it is not personal, we are still friends and I have just changed towards certain situations (which I explained to her).I tried to explain that we cannot be exactly the same all the time as everybody can go through stuff in their life (including me right now) and that I hope she and the others could be more understating towards me. When she said I had sounded sharp sometimes when they were asking for help at work I said that it was not my intention to sound rude, dismissive or anything and that I was sorry if they had that impression. I thanked for her feedback obviously and said we are still friends and that I am still willing to help when/where I can.
Now I cannot stop thinking on whether I have used a tone of voice which sounded rude or sharp with them or it’s actually me setting boundaries causing this reaction because it’s the first time I do that. I would never want to sound rude or anything and of course my people pleasing side is telling me I did. However, I must admit I feel happier since I started setting boundaries!
Needless to say, I am now scared I will go back to people pleasing mode because of this.
Thanks Roby. I don’t know that that was a “flattering” text. While it may not have been their intention, a lack of self-awareness has meant that she’s felt the need to, as such, take you to task via text for not being the pleaser you’ve been in the past. Now the thing is, she might not be aware of your deal. On a deeper level, she’s likely aware of your pleaser inclinations, but may not be aware of how this is something she’s benefited from. The key thing here is to acknowledge what you’re being complimented for. Write down what you used to do, and how it used to affect you. It’s not that you are being rude; you’re not running around pleasing people at your expense.
You said more than enough and you don’t need to change anything. If the issue is arranged again, let her know that you used to be a people pleaser and that gradually took a toll on your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. While you do enjoy helping people where you can and want to, doing things to be liked, and, yes, allowing you to be used sometimes, meant that you were doing what were sometimes good things, but for the wrong reasons. It is not a personal thing to her, and of course it must feel weird to people that you’re not the Energiser Bunny of favours anymore, but that you hope that people can respect the need for you to be more authentic and to say no when you need to without being accused of being someone terrible.
Natalie really sorry to hear about your brother, hope he is found soon and safe. I know how awful it is when someone close goes missing when mentally unwell. It is such an anxious / stressful time…..
Roby, call me cynical and I could be wrong, however all I could think is that your co worker is trying to manipulate you into doing things for them again. If they are not so keen on the *real* you then so be it. Being you is the path to more authentic relationships, so overall you and your life will benefit and the people that don’t like it, they aren’t your people. Your people will like the real you. Don”t go back to your people pleasing as you will lose out and feel resentful.
Thanks Julie. And you are 100% spot on about Roby’s colleague. She was criticising her for not being what was actually the fake version of herself. If anything, it’s a sign to keep going!
I like your Jeopardy tune lol
how cute are you?
Haha! Thanks Arora!
I think we should have a high school course on boundaries. How much better would we all have fared with a proper education? With classes like: Interpersonal Boundaries, Taxes, Mortgage, etc.
Absofrickinlutely!
So timely Nat, thank you! I have such a difficult time telling friends and family no, especially since they’re generally very giving and available for me, so I don’t want to hurt their feelings. 95% of the time I am available and commit to the things they ask, but the few times I’ve said no, I get hurt reactions, or persistence, or even statements that try to make me feel guilty, and then I often get hurt that they are hurt with the fact I say no. Sometimes I end up backpedaling, and give in to the request at hand, after I’ve already said that I have too much on my plate, because I’ve taught friends and family that I don’t have strong boundaries, or that their reactions will get me to change my mind. I do enjoy the time and energy I spend in these relationships, but I have many of them and can be emotionally drained trying to maintain them, to where I end up putting off my needs, endeavors and responsibilties, and then I shut down or react angrily toward them.
This was the perfect podcast to listen to the other night…I had been rushing around from sun up till sun down all that week, and decided to take an evening to myself, turning down a couple of invitations. Thanks again, Natalieb for helping me to understand the reality of not being able to help other people’s feelings and behavior and that it’s perfectly acceptable for me to say no when I really need it.
Thanks EMC. While your friends and family generally mean well, no doubt, I think you need to reevaluate what “giving and available” means because, actually, the reoccurring issue here is that you feel as if you owe them, and they feel owed. Which means that it’s not so giving at all. It’s ‘giving’ with strings, that become very apparent the moment you don’t jump to their beat. And, you’re right: the pattern has been established, in part, due to you capitulating to previous demands and so creating the impression that you do indeed owe them a ‘yes’ at all times and at all costs.
Hi, I really love your blog 🙂 You know, I’ve been seeing this guy, and on the second date I went to his place. Things escalated quickly but I told him I didn’t want to have sex yet. He asked why. And I told him that I wanted to get to know him more, and that usually when I sleep so soon the guy loses interest. And he told me that he wouldn’t change the way he sees me, or perceives me, If I had sex with him. And he got upset because he thinks that I didn’t have sex with him because, in his words, ‘I dont like him enough’. That’s just dumb. I explained to him that I really like him but I just didn’t want to have sex just yet.
This would be the second day he doesn’t text me. I texted him two days before, asking how he was doing, and we chatted. But I want him to text me… Should I wait for later today and send him a text? I don’t want him to think I’m not interested!