Tags: boundaries and walls, emotional guardedness, emotional walls, Get out of stuck, obsessing about my relationship or breakup, Obsessive entitlement, relationship lost its spark
When we feel stuck or even obsessed about something or someone, we’re often unaware that we experienced a lean period, an extended period prior to the events where we were starved of certain emotional needs. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I explain how, for example, a lean period where we experienced little attention, affection, connection, intimacy, etc., can cause us to feel destabilised and eventually entitled and in pain when something or someone comes along and basically wakes us up.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
Examples of Lean Periods:
- After a painful breakup or where you feel as if you lost big by the relationship ending. Next thing, a short break turns into a few or several years, or even longer.
- A longstanding habit of suppressing and repressing your needs due to them being routinely unmet during childhood. Basically, you’re subsisting on crumbs.
- A long-term relationship or marriage that ticks boxes and where you go through the motions, but you’re numb.
- Putting up a wall after a betrayal.
- Hiding out in something (e.g. work) that’s stopped you from having to feel too much or to explore who you really are.
- Focusing on caring for someone else has taken up so much of your bandwidth that you haven’t been able to meet your needs.
Examples of what might spark the desire to be less guarded:
- Someone throws you more attention than you or a partner has given you for a long time. You spring back to life.
- You’re pursued very hard. Why did they pursue me so hard and break down my walls only to disappear or turn into someone else?
- They represent a long-shot fantasy that if it were to come true, it would mean finally meeting an old unmet need.
Some people associate uncertainty, feeling out of control, your guardedness, with being interested. This means that the moment you reciprocate or they feel certain of your feelings (or that you’re buying what they’re selling), they lose interest. Their uncertainty is over.
- Might take a little (or a lot of) convincing. Or, like this person or situation is a reward for everything you’ve been through.
- Sometimes we try to think things out to the nth degree before we’ll put ourselves back out there. We’re afraid to be vulnerable, to make a mistake, to fail, so we try to work out the conditions for getting what we want.
- Activation: meeting someone or experiencing something that makes a previously unknown issue (or dormant or X one) active. Characterised by losing the run of ourselves including abandoning our values, boundaries, etc., as well as often claiming unbelievable or overwhelming chemistry.
- When you get ‘activated’, the person might represent parent/caregiver/old bully. Maybe it’s someone who you feel as if you should have saved them in the past and now this is your opportunity.
When things start to deviate from how you pictured them, or things end, stuckness sets in because of entitlement and obsessing: I did X, they should have done Y, Z should have happened.
- If you’ve always told you that the reason why an old relationship broke down is because you didn’t do ‘all the things’, and those same things represent other old shame and blame that you’ve given you about other earlier events in life, that reasoning habit (the beliefs) are driving your thinking, behaviour and choices. You’re linking what you do to how others should be and do. Yep, codependency.
- Entitlement becomes one or both of the following:“I did everything right. I did what I was supposed to do, and I still didn’t get what I want. I’ve been robbed. They’ve shortchanged me. I’m owed.” And then we keep trying to collect the debt. And/or… “I did everything right. I did what I was supposed to do, and I still didn’t get what I want. I’m unworthy. I’m not worthy of what I want. That’s why things didn’t turn out as I wanted.”
- We argue with ourselves when we matched someone’s intensity and they crashed out: I was holding up my end of the bargain. If I could keep up, why couldn’t they?
There’s a thin line between excitement and fear.
- When something feels so valuable, we then feel as if we have something to lose.
- Look back at the weeks, months or weeks prior to the situation or person showing up in your life. Locate the lean period.
- The experience of having the affair all of those years ago brought me to my knees. It was horrendous, and yet it’s the experience that broke me open.
- Pick apart the entitlement aspect. Figure out what you feel that you’ve been and done and what you think that you were supposed to get back. Dismantle this narrative that you’ve constructed around the experience.
- Starving ourselves of attention, affection, intimacy, connection, etc., makes it all the more intense (and later, painful) when we dare to venture out.
- Mustn’t throw ourselves into emotional purgatory each time things don’t go as we want. It’s like giving ourselves a prison sentence.
You’re not owed for all of those things that you did.
- Where did you get the idea that you do this, and so people should do that and then in turn that the desired outcome ‘should’ happen?
- If you keep insisting that it should have happened, you’re going to get the same situation again.
Links mentioned
- All is forgiven? (ep. 136)
- The Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’
- Activation: When something or someone activates old issues
- What’s the baggage behind it?
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Another brilliant post, Natalie, describing exactly how I felt after my last attempt at a relationship didn’t work. I came away not only disappointed & very hurt, but scratching my head thinking ‘what do I have to do?’ plus angry (that he didn’t do his share of the bargain when I’d tried to be/do everything I thought he’d want) & yes, entitled – which I actually felt very ashamed about. It did feel (& look on paper) like it ‘should’ have been the one that worked which led to much rumination, self-blame & immense regret which was actually heightened some time after we broke up when I heard from mutual friends that he’d met someone else & was being open (for him) about it (I was hidden away). In reality I’d put him on a pedestal, ignored blatant red flags & spent the entire time we were dating telling myself ‘not to screw it up’. The experience & the tsunami of emotions that surfaced afterwards almost broke me & has led to a long period of reflection & working on myself, healing deep wounds from the past – particularly the repetitive feeling of not being good enough & of people pleasing, both which started early in my childhood. I have learned & continue to learn so much from you, so thank you! I am finally finding the courage to speak up & not continue to accept shady behaviour in the hope of getting the relationship I want, but put my needs & being treated with love, care, trust & respect first. Your podcast always kicks off my weekend out here in Oz! Keep up the amazing work ?
After a double whammy with a narcissist, I emerged in very bad, sad, depressed conditions. Now, 5 years later, I’m still spooked by the thought of trusting anyone romantically again. But that is not what defines me.
Instead of ruminating on what may or may not be a permanent situation, I decided to turn romantic issues over to God, while I learn to genuinely love and trust myself.
The physical manifestation of that has been my new obsession–turning my backyard into a garden paradise. The hard word work and quick results (I bought lots of flowers already in bloom–screw seedlings) have made me happy, tanned and lots more muscular.
That level of exercise has put a huge dent in my depression, and now when I feel it creeping back, I go outside a dig a hole, prune a tree, or whatever.
I can no longer allow myself to postpone happiness until someone comes along to “make me happy.” If I make myself happy, it’ll show as real, sincere and attractive.
As for the narcissist–I realize there was no there there and I’d never tolerate another emotional vampire to use me for supply. No contact, ever again,
For me that’s been the most relevant and best podcast so far. Thank you so much Natalie ?
Hi there Natalie, this is exactly what I think I’m going through right now.
I’ve been married for 2 years (and been in the relationship for 6 in total) and somehow I did feel like I was numbing myself and just ticking along with the usual relationship, probably sweeping a lot of problems under the carpet and just keep on smiling – as you mentioned, starving myself with the lean period .
Until I’ve met someone else… I know you can judge me bad on this… (we kept it really low key) 4 months ago, long story… it started very casual as none of us wanted to catch the feelings… but then somehow we did. We had to mutually (well he initiated it) end it for more problems on his side with an ex resurfacing and I guess the reality that I’m married. So it just wasn’t fair on him or myself. We are both pretty devastated about it, and am still grieving, but life goes on.
I’ve got to say, that regardless of whatever happened between me and this guy, (part of me is hoping somehow we can rekindle) he helped me open up my eyes and did something to my heart that was buried away for a very long time. It’s like he threw a stone and shattered my own lying reality and woke me right up about what’s truly “happening” (or not) in my current marriage.
I’m not mad at the guy for ending it, but the break up is feeling and felt horrendous, but as you said, it was possible for the fact that I was drying my heart up like the Sahara desert with my current Husband, so it made it all intense (trust me tho, It takes me ages to connect with people on that level). So I need to pick up all my pieces, and be a mature person and sort out my mess.
Thanks so much for all your very valuable knowledge.
Thank you Natalie. I just found your website and books a few weeks ago but they have helped me tremendously. And i’m kind of embarrassed because I think “How could I not know about all of this about myself?!?”.
@Kylie – I just went through a very similar thing. Both of us were married. As you put it, I was “drying my heart up like the Sahara desert with my current husband” (probably because he dried his heart up as well). The guy I was with also experience the same in his marriage. That definitely made my affair so much more intense for both of us. And of course, I am having a hard time letting go (even though I was the one to end it…..he was definitely emotionally unavailable and not just because he is married. I knew I had to end it because it was just killing my heart each time he would be hot or cold or disappear). I’m sorry that so many people are going through the same heartbreak but it does give me some comfort knowing that I am not the only one. As I read the blogs and posts on this website, I am realizing I have so much self-work I have to do. I still don’t know how I never realized most of this stuff about myself but it all makes sense and I’m happy to do the work to become a version of me that can stay away from EUM!!
I really understands what you are going through and i hope somehow you managed to find your peace or are working towards it
My developments are that I am coming to conclusion that, marriage is literally failed but need to pick up the pieces slowly as there are a few things that need to be sorting out
AND, I persevered with the guy, and now I’m in the situation that it’s so complicated i’m over thinking, I feel anxious and I should cut it off.
The guy sort of tried to be involved into his Ex’s life (Imagine, she has a boyfriend, or anyway recently broke up with the new one due to a big fight with the guy) and got more confused on what he wants…
and now It’s me, playing the emotional crutch to be there for him, getting crumbs and getting even more confused about how he feels about me, and wondering if I’ve become the back up…
Now, I’m thinking in my head how to word it, but I think it’s time that i made the cut myself, and start moving on for good as this situation is becoming riduculous. too many players playing this game, and It’s taking over my mental state….
again, I feel stupid somehow, how I couldn’t accept to just let it go and focus on self love…
I still feel such an attachment to this person, that losing him really gives me such a heart time. but I have to accept the fact that I just lost him back when we ended things…. I’m delaying the inevitable…
Hope your situation has got better, and I am thankful to be able to talk to some of you
Dear Natalie,
I’ve been following your blog for several years now. Last year was very difficult on a personal level because I chose, at 31, to have a double mastectomy in order to avoid getting breast cancer one day due to a genetic mutation.
The result is great, and I’m so happy everything went well. It was a typical ‘lean period’ where I chose to stay single in order to protect myself.
In March I started dating again and met someone.
I broke things off 2 days ago with him because he told me he was stuck and couldn’t move things forward and was feeling he was wasting my time..he is a typical emotionally unvalaible man who did everything to ‘conquer’ me and then pulled away. I felt so much intensity at the beginning, exactly just like you described. I was also vulnerable because of my new breasts. I was like a drug addict and was giving and doing too much in order to get what I wanted (love and affection). Of course it didn’t work out.
This podcast was everything I needed today in order for me to heal and grow. Thank you so much.
Love from France.
Thank you Natalie for this episode about the “Lean Period” and getting activated by someone. It happened to me during 2018 and I am picking up the pieces now. It’s been a very long recovery process, but your website and in particular this episode on the Lean Period describes my situation very well and has been very helpful. I’ve listened to it twice and I am sure I will refer to it again over the coming weeks and months.
This is my first return to BR after many years during which time, I’ve mostly been single, not by choice but through failed attempts at relationships did not pan out combined with focusing on completing my edctn and dealing with chronic health issues. In short, a lean period. I’ve just extricated myself from a situation whereby the other party was physically unavailable due to being located elsewhere after initially meeting where I am located. Thankfully, I got out at only the two week mark. This podcast is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you Natalie!
Teachable