It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 37, I cover:
Sometimes being a little too passive becomes a turn-off: My friend recently ended a relationship because he didn’t ‘chase’ but it turned out that she ended it because his passiveness put the onus on her to direct the relationship, something she didn’t want. I explain what we can learn from this type of situation.
5 questions to help decipher your values: Your values express your preferences for how you want to live as well as your priorities. If you’ve struggled to figure out your own values, I’ve come up with 5 questions to help you start to make sense of yours.
Passive aggressive gifts: I explain why when you’re given a gift that really feels more like a gift-wrapped insult, you’re well within your rights to feel hurt.
Listener Question: How do I deal with my feelings of revenge? Gabriella still feels wounded by the ex that messed her about and who is not pretending that they were never involved. Feeling jealous of his current girlfriend and harbouring ideas about sabotaging their relationship, I explain what’s blocking moving on and how to deal with her feelings. | Curbing Your Obsession guide
What I Learned This Week: After almost two years of driving, I finally braved driving on the motorway without Em and faced down a big fear–woohoo!
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Nat xxx
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This is the best Podcast so far! Congrats on conquering your fear of the motorway (expressway)! It’s such a great feeling to face down those fears and just do it. Oh, and your daughter doing the intro on the last Podcast was adorable!
I’ve been guilty of being too passive in relationships. If I didn’t have a preference and the other person did, I’d just go with theirs. I realized though that I often didn’t give myself the time or permission? to recognize if I had a preference. Now I do and I’m much more assertive about expressing it.
The passive aggressive gift…I went on a camping trip last weekend and one of the people I was with said he brought a bunch of stuff and to help yourself to anything you want (food) and then he almost immediately closed it all up and put it in his car! He did that a couple of times. It was confusing. I didn’t say anything, I brought plenty for myself and to share. It was just strange. After hearing this I started wondering if that was actually passive aggressive.
Sort of reminded me of my mom when I went to visit her during chemo with my siblings. She had some face cream and she offered to me and I said sure and then she asked my sister if she wanted it/or my sister said she wanted it, and my mom gave it to her. Ouch.
Thanks for everything you do, Natalie, it helps immensely! Veracity
Enjoyed this podcast. (I too enjoyed hearing your little one’s voice on the last podcast!)
Gaby’s story is familiar. She saw the prize stallion, she wanted to win the prize stallion, he stayed with her for a little while, then he moved on, and now she’s jealous of anyone else who gets to ride that stallion.
That is the way we BR readers get into trouble – by seeing the one we wanted as the “prize”. It’s usually looks or some sort of charisma that draws us in, coupled with perhaps some nice words that person may have said to us. We are so in need of validation, and in our warped efforts to meet that need, what is more validating than winning the “prize”.
Until we start falling for character first, more than the outward package, we will forever be stuck dealing with the AC contingent. I was not at all surprised my AC was an AC. He was tall dark and handsome and cultured, one of those types where all the women wanted him and all the men wanted to be him, and I bet some of the men wanted him too! I’d always been smart enough to avoid the ones that everybody wanted – it is no surprise that socially popular men treat women badly. What surprised me was the emotional game playing, the hot&cold, the lack of growing reciprocity. Even though we were both over 40, it seemed like high school maturity levels were at play. He enjoyed the drama. Nope. Not interested.
About Mr. Passive. I dated him too. Men like that do not ever want to take responsibility for the direction and progression of the relationship. I don’t believe my Mr. Passive ever asked me to a movie, or a dinner. It was always my doing, my pick, and we mostly went dutch. That was because I insisted on going dutch, because I certainly did not want him to think I was taking him out because I did the asking. And he never fought me on it, meaning he never insisted on paying my way. He was also extremely passive/aggressive. He never came on hot, but he would run warm/cold. He’d call on a holiday, we’d both be off from work, he’d keep you on the phone for two hours…with you thinking that maybe he wants to get together since we are both off..then he’d say “see ya late, I’m going to fix some dinner now”…leaving you to your own devices for the holiday. I learned to not answer the phone. Then of course , the next time you talked, he’d tell you about a party you missed. I used to follow his band around town, and during the band breaks, he never bought me a drink. But if a man started chatting me up, during the band break Mr. P/A would attempt to block. Confusing. I finally realized I did not have warm feelings for him, so why continue this nothingness? I’ve ghosted him. It will take him years to figure that out.
Never been given a shady gift, but have had the left-handed compliment thrown my way. Mom never mentioned my 43 pound weight-loss, but did exclaim with much surprise in her voice “You’re wearing horizontal stripes!” Uh…..yes…?….thanks?
Elgie R, your Mr Passive sounds a lot like the one I encountered earlier this year. It lasted about 3 months in total which is the average amount of time it takes for me to see what a complete tool they are.
Anyways, he was super non-phased about whether or not we had plans to meet and even when I did he always seemed kinda reluctant to set a precise time/date (he used to like to go with the flow). After a while I told him that this situation wasn’t working for me and I wanted out, and as if by magic he would become more attentive, take me somewhere nice, and generally make a bit more effort for a few days until he inevitably slipped back into passivity.
For me, passivity in a relationship is a major problem. It’s almost like they don’t care enough, so they’re not going to make any hard decisions one way or another. If a guy can’t show enthusiasm or get excited about me and/or our relationship – then what’s the point?
I’m currently dating a guy who can make plans and stick to them, but it still doesn’t feel like he’s very interested and quite passive about romance.
We just had our third date and he’s a nice guy, but he hasn’t paid for anything for me. We always pay for ourselves, 50/50. It shouldn’t matter, if you really like the guy, I suppose. But it also makes me wonder if he cares? Then again, I’ve dated a guy who paid for the first few dates and I still didn’t feel much. So it’s certainly not the be all and end all! But I also find it hard to date an unromantic guy, who’s just ‘there’! The type of guy who doesn’t seem to care about impressing me, or winning me over.
Sure he keeps asking me out, but I feel very ‘meh’ about him, and it feels like he’s the same about me. I know I should be wary of fireworks from the start, because that might be blind me to who he really is, but I also wonder if there’s any point in continuing with someone I’m still not feeling much for after 3 dates?
I’ve tried to do it before. I’ve gotten up to the 5 or 6 date mark with guys I don’t feel much for and realized I can’t continue with the charade anymore. I’ve never gotten any further than 5 or 6 dates with a guy I felt nothing for from the second date onward. My feelings don’t change.
I guess I’m just wondering how am I supposed to feel anything for a guy who’s nice and appears to have integrity, but there’s zero romance, chemistry, fireworks, amazing dates etc…
Am I focusing on the wrong things? If so, how do I spontaneously grow feelings? I’ve tried a few times in the past, it doesn’t seem to work that way for me.
I get you’re not supposed to be all about the passion, but whats the point of being with someone who has all the ‘right things’ but you feel nothing for?
Am I the only one who feels this way? Do other women get sick of the impressive guys and then get together with the unromantic guys and somehow develop feelings? Is that possible?
So_true, it sounds like your approach to dating is “Show up at my door, treat me like a queen, and make me feel wonderful!”
No where in that do I see any attempt to get to know what he is about. And are you letting him in on what YOU are about?
Dating is discovery. It’s not just about the action of going for a meal or to see a movie.
A good way to get to know someone is to observe them in different settings. Think of ways to get to know your date. How do you entertain yourself? Is there some activity you do that you can share? Do you like museums? Or crafts? Or lectures? Are there volunteer activities you can sign up for together? Pick up the local paper – there’s always a section listing community events for the week. Even if you’ve never done that before, choose something to do from that list for your next date. You’ll observe how open is he to new things, how does he handle not being good at something, how do you handle learning something new in front of him…etc….
Has he ever had any pets? Did he ever see his Mom & Dad hug and kiss? What movie did he go see and hated? Is he lactose intolerant?
Etc.
There are lots of things to find out about each other. But if “dating” really means “find the one who makes my stomach flutter when think of him”…then…you aren’t really trying to get to know the person…you are looking for someone to fill the role of Prince Charming in your life. No depth required.
One thing I did not quite understand…he’s asking you out, but you are paying half? So I guess you are offering to split the bill and he always says OK. That does indicate he is not trying to “win” you. Sounds like both of you may be passing time candidates to each other. No harm, no foul. Don’t force yourself to emotionally invest when all signs point to Boredom City.
I agree Elgie! I do kind of expect them to treat me really well from the start. I’m not sure why I have that attitude. Maybe as a self-protection method? Because if he shows me how much he likes me, I’ll feel safe to let my guard down? But at the same time, shouldn’t I be trying to find a guy who treats me really well? I’m just not sure…
I have tried my best to ask him all sorts of questions from the start. And to go really deep and show him who I am. We’ve spoken about our futures and pasts and I’ve even told him that I don’t think I ever want children which he agreed is something that should be discussed early on and I appreciated that. So he doesn’t shy away from the deep topics at all, which is great.
I just don’t feel much though. And like I already said, it’s not a huge deal that he doesn’t pay for anything. (But yes, he is asking me out, without offering to pay.) It’s just another little thing that adds on to the ever-growing pile of “meh” that I feel when I think about him. There’s just no romance. And I really feel, honestly, that he’s feeling the same way about me. Just dating me for something to do. So yep, passing time candidate for sure!
I’m just afraid I’ll never find a guy who has all the good hallmarks, as in reliability and depth and good character along with the chemistry and wanting to kiss them and touch them and whatnot. Whenever we kiss, or make-out, I feel bored or repulsed. Not good! But it’s like I keep waiting for my chemistry feelings to develop, while I waste my time and his!
Ugh, now he just texted me about plans this week, when he said he’d call me as I told him I prefer it! His “plan” is for me to go over to his place to watch a movie…
You used the word REPULSED. That says it all.
The “whether or not we want kids” thing seems more like a checklist item to me. Yay, he’s tall, he hates sports, he likes rock, he doesn’t want children…… check mark things that determine if he can fit the role of perfect boyfriend.
I think the reason the workplace is fertile ground for romance is because it’s almost the only place most people actually get to interact and see varied sides of another person, and show varied sides of themselves. You actually talk about a mutual topic of interest to both – work – and that requires you use parts of your mind that aren’t focused on “is this a relationship?”. Movie and dinners dates don’t allow you into the multiple facets of a person.
He doesn’t float your boat but you’re making out with him. You’re bored, So_True. And you are letting boredom rule your choices.
Yep, bored, repulsed. I’m just not feeling it. What can I do? Except flush!
Nothing. You can’t make it happen with someone just because you want it to. I know; I’ve tried. At this point, the best thing you can do for the both of you is cut your losses and move on.