One of the mistakes I used to make was assuming that if a guy expressed interest in me that he was:
1) Not in a relationship already
2) Over his ex
3) Interested in a relationship with me
4) We had a lot in common (I know, I know!)
From there, my next assumption was that if we were hanging out, sleeping together, plus I was playing armchair therapist, and, in my eyes, we were for all intents and purposes acting like boyfriend and girlfriend even if it wasn’t labelled as such, we were doing so because he was interested in it developing into a relationship.
I was so hung up on whether he was ‘interested’ that I failed to pay attention to what his interest pertained to. I’d feel rejected when they’d utter such guff like, ‘You’re a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have you… but I’m not over my ex /not ready for a relationship/not ready to be cut from the umbilical cord yet’, but the truth is, they were interested in me within certain contexts but separate to that, they weren’t interested in a relationship. I used to make that a me-problem, as if how interesting I was could make a man spontaneously combust into being relationship-minded even if he had issues that meant he wasn’t. It was also foolhardy of me to make assumptions about where a person’s interests lay when I could show up and let the person unfold.
Anyone can be interested in you just like anyone can browse or pick up something and play about with it for a bit, but there’s a big difference between interest and commitment.
As humans, we’re interested in a lot of things but our personal priorities shift some of those interests into the commitment category.
If, for instance, we have an interest in how online businesses work, fishing, and how to make paper rosettes to name but a few of our interests, but part of our plan is to run our own business one day, we’re likely to develop the interest in online business if we’re serious about it.
We might, for instance, be very interested in fishing and do what so many of us do when the urge to know everything about something overtakes us, and order up all sorts of equipment, books, and maybe even a cool outfit to go with it, but never have the fishing rod touch the water or only fish sporadically.
That doesn’t mean that the person isn’t interested in fishing but what separates someone who is interested in something from someone who is invested in something, is the actions.
Similarly, every time they see a paper rosette, they might think, I’d really love to be able to make those, but without actions, it’s not a priority or even a developed interest.
Now we could in the fishing example, take the attitude of, ‘Well, we’ve purchased top of the range equipment and booked (and cancelled) a fishing retreat, so how dare anyone question my interest or commitment?’, but realistically, the people who are driven by intention, action, a sense of purpose about fishing, well, fish, consistently. Sure, some will fish every day, some will do it weekly, monthly or whatever, but none will be saying, ‘I went fishing once so that makes me super interested in fishing’.
It’s what someone does with interest that counts.
Interest is not an automatic precursor to commitment or even actions.
I learned the hard way that there is no point in latching on to hallmarks that we think indicate a relationship if the landmarks (commitment, consistency, balance, progression and intimacy) aren’t there. We can also tell a great deal about the lengths and breadths of someone’s interest if we open our eyes and ears as opposed to deceiving ourselves.
Sure, someone might be texting or calling, but if they’re afraid to talk about their feelings, reluctant to say that they’re in a relationship, but are happy to shag and ultimately do things on their terms, they’re not interested in a mutual relationship.
This is when we have to acknowledge that a lot of the things that have gone unsaid have really been about dancing around the obvious fact that we’re not in a relationship (or certainly not the one we want) but that they’ve also been managing down our expectations.
We get too hung up on interest.
Yes, we want a partner to be interested in us and to take an interest in us, but that’s not where it starts and ends, especially if you’re like me and the reason why you get hung up on interest is because you spent a lot of your childhood craving a parent’s interest and feeling wounded by their absence whether it was physical or emotional and then diverted that to romantic partners. Someone takes an interest in us and we’re carrying on as if it’s the loaf when it’s really crumbs.
Focusing on ‘making’ someone interested causes us to ignore the content of their interest. It becomes about collecting attention and getting strokes from the supposed hallmarks and then we wonder, ‘You’ve been giving me attention (albeit sporadically or in certain contexts only)—where is my relationship?’.
If we’re honest with ourselves, getting stuck on interest taps into a root belief that we’re not interesting and worthy enough (based on our perception of events in the past). Trying to get validation on How interesting am I? is the real-world equivalent of living your life off of ‘likes’ on Facebook.
If they’re texting, calling, sleeping with you, keeping a foothold in your life or whatever they’re doing but you’re not in a loving relationship, you’re clearly ‘interesting’ to them but what you truly need (if you want a loving relationship), is someone who will consistently act with love, care, trust and respect.
Someone’s priorities dictate their interest.
Someone can be interested in you but not be interested in co-creating a mutually fulfilling relationship but if someone values and so prioritises being in a mutually fulfilling relationship and is also interested in you, they will demonstrate that interest in you as a by-product of engaging in the relationship and allowing it the opportunity to develop rather than narrowing it only to the areas that suit them.
If they’re genuinely interested in a possible relationship as well as you, they don’t burn up their energy resisting being emotionally available and letting the relationship develop.
And there is one key way to ensure that you don’t sell yourself short on someone’s ‘interest’: take a genuine interest in you (get to know, like and love you) and you won’t rely on other people’s interest as the barometer of your worth. When you are the thing that you seek, you won’t accept less from others than you already be, do and feel for yourself.
Your thoughts?
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Muchas gracias!! Thank you so much for this post, Natalie!!
I believe I am on my way to really like and love myself.
It’s not a linear journey but i’ll get there with a bit of faith and compassion for myself.
This is timely indeed. Thanks for this! I’ve been faced with this situation more than once & reading this makes me take a step back & look at what the F I’m doing reading too much into “intetest”.
Natalie,
I am really struggling in this area. I seem to keep winding up in painful breakups bc they seem so interested and then when it gets to be to much like a relationship they say they are not ready for a relationship. It’s hard to not think it’s something that I am doing because it keeps happening. It makes me question how do you even gauge when someone is being genuine. I am looking forward to your workshop in a couple of weeks. I really want to get some introspect on how to avoid repeating these situations.
Oh my goodness, this could have been written by me today. Just this weekend I had the fastest whirlwind romance I’ve ever had in my life and it was not a boost to my self-esteem at all. He went from practically singing sonnets to not ready for a relationship to contacting his ex and getting back together with in a matter of 48 hours. Talk about mind f*ckery! Yesterday I felt awful about it, thinking “What am I doing to deserve this kind a crap…” but today I remember that I didn’t make him do anything. He just over estimated his interest, got scared and acted out in an effort to ensure he didn’t get himself in too deep. That’s not my problem. I went in with honorable intentions and gave it my all. I can’t do his part as well as mine and I’m not carrying the guilt for his erratic behavior. It’s not my responsibility to know where his head is at when going into a relationship – I’m only responsible for me. And I stayed true to my values so I have nothing to feel ashamed of. I want to encourage you to not beat yourself up about it because you are only one half of the equation – as Nat always says, you don’t have the power to make him an assclown – that’s all on him!
Hi Beks,
That’s awful. He should have known his own mind a bit better and not started leading you on when he was still hung up on his ex.
Sorry that he went from ‘100-0 mph’ over one weekend. If he was feeling conflicting emotions best he’d stayed on his own for a bit to figure things out, not get you involved in his ‘drama’. The only upside is that he didn’t waste your time for weeks or months (or longer). Don’t know if you’ve read my sad little story, but I just had a guy waste weeks of my time and energy. Not a good feeling.
Getting a bit tired of these guys doing this sort of thing to women (many of them are repeat offenders as well). They need to work on getting their shit together, not start dating only to leave a path of emotional destruction wherever they go.
Karen, Congrats on getting your little boys. I’ve had dogs and cats all my life, I am currently ‘catless’ as my remaining cat passed away last April (devastating, she was almost 19 years old). Enjoy the kitten ‘madness’. 🙂
I thought I was in the clear with him since the relationship ended 3 years ago and he claimed to be over it. How feeling all the feels with me equates to a sudden resurrection of feelings for his ex is beyond me. Maybe Nat can write a post about this phenomonon (hint-hint). When he texted to say he wasn’t ready and had contacted his ex (finding that she was single again but forgot to bring him into the loop) I just wanted to scream “You’re a idiot! If she wanted to be with you she would have told you she was single without you reaching out to her!” But then realized that 1) its probably a lie and 2) its not my problem.
Wish these guys would work to ‘fix’ themselves, rather than trying to ‘break’ us with their BS.
Chin up, they can’t ALL be idiots (I hope).
I think you should hang on to ‘its probably a lie’. Either that or both him and his ex are cray cray and that doesn’t bode well for any future.
I used to believe if I loved someone “enough,” my love could carry us through until theirs caught up with mine. It only took 20 years or so to figure out that was not how it works.
Now I’m single with not even a speck of potential love interest on the horizon, but I feel emotionally calm, stable and I’m working my ass off outside painting my house, and inside designing T-shirts to sell at some of the upcoming protest rallies I’ll be attending against a certain new narcissistic, assclown, president-from-hell.
Surprisingly enough, I no longer consider myself to be living in suspended animation whenever I’m single. I’m too busy to be wistful.
It helps that I decided to cure my need for physical contact and affection by adopting identical twin kittens back in November. Now at 4 months old, the boys are at the maturity level of 4-5 year old human kids, so I am more than entertained by these little maniacs.
They are a very odd duo–one is mega alpha and the younger one (by a few minutes) is kind of… well…s-l-o-w. The slowpoke is learning every one of the crazy alpha’s sneaky habits, like saving a little bit of “waste” so they can both jump in the litter box at the same time, the moment I set it down– all clean and fresh.
I know that laughing at cat crap is not a replacement for true love, but I’d rather watch them and laugh than fall for someone who makes me cry.
It’s getting better all the time. 🙂
Hi Karen,
I wanted to let you know I responded to your post about people pleasing. Not sure if you saw it or not. Just wanted to let you know how your post impacted me. Thank you.
Please add in some extra protesting for me 🙂
The “boys” sound like so much fun to watch. What a nice diversion! They will offer you a world of fun and will make you smile, and that is ALL that matters right now, and for future. They are showing you (and all of us) that they have a high sense of adventure and humour, we can all learn from them.
That’s awesome Karen. Love your comment about being too busy to be wistful.
The kittens: great idea! I have a dog and 4 cats and I know they help keep me anchored. I am working on getting busy and fulfilled in my own self as to not accept sub-par relationship prospects. It is so easy for me to think a dude is worthy of my bed when I don’t have projects, interests and my self-esteem in self-care mode. I noticed that it is so easy for me to think, if I have put in the time and work on myself, then that will be enough for both of us. But it ends up feeling like I am picking up the emotional tab all the time and spending my reserves while they come to the table empty handed. It costs me too much mentally, emotionally, spirituality, and physically. And I turn into a person that I don’t even like.
So in pursuing my dreams, inspirations and desires for fulfillment, I have to ever be checking myself if I am settling when someone comes along. After reading so much on Baggage Reclaim, it makes it harder to deceive and lie to myself about what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour in relationships…..theirs as well as mine. I can be a jerk too when I am out of integrity with my own values. I end up taking it out on them!! Much to learn.
Knocked it out of the park, Natalie!
The analogy of the online business, fishing, and learning to make paper rosettes is really useful in terms of understanding what different levels of interest may feel like. In addition, we are all familiar with the result of not making time for and pursuing our own interests. Beautiful and brilliant!
This hit me so hard. I’m ashamed to say that in my last (failed) relationship, I was actually counting the weeks that my ex didn’t dump me. Wow, there’s 10 weeks! etc. I thought if I could make it week after week he might actually be the real deal! We had all the “hallmarks” but none of the landmarks, literally none of them. Much as I regret this relationship, it has forced me to do a ton of work around understanding why I accept crumbs and why I am attracted to EUMs over and over again. Natalie, your words regularly “convict” me and force me to examine my behaviors, motivations, and why I expect too much from people. Thank you!
You’re not alone in this way of thinking, Julie. I became aware I needed to invest in some professional help when I realized that I consider it a red flag if the man is both attractive and appeared to be genuinely interested…so not healthy!
Thanks, Beks. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person. I have to say I’ve gotten more insight from Natalie than I have from years of expensive therapy in NYC!
‘Anyone can be interested in you just like anyone can browse or pick up something and play about with it for a bit… If they’re texting, calling, sleeping with you, keeping a foothold in your life or whatever they’re doing but you’re not in a loving relationship, you’re clearly ‘interesting’ to them’
The clues are there when they say ‘I can’t give you what you want/you deserve better’ but they still hang around for the benefits until they’re done and are bored with you/no longer find you ‘interesting’. They use you and start to ghost you and then dump you when a new toy catches their eye just like that with no regard for your feelings.
Karen,
No matter how much love we have/had for them, it will not make a difference to these AC/EUM. They were not/are not committed and never will be, not with us anyway.
Glad your kittens have helped with your need for physical affection. At least you know that any love you get in return from them is real and unconditional.
x
From Natalie:
“…but the truth is, they were interested in me within certain contexts but separate to that, they weren’t interested in a relationship. I used to make that a me-problem, as if how interesting I was could make a man spontaneously combust into being relationship-minded even if he had issues that meant he wasn’t.”
“Focusing on ‘making’ someone interested causes us to ignore the content of their interest. It becomes about collecting attention and getting strokes from the supposed hallmarks…”
This was my specific challenge. Although I have never been to an acting class it was a matter of what persona was going to work for each interaction. I paid great attention to his apparent mood and responsiveness, and adjusted MYSELF accordingly. Sure, I cognitively knew his issues but I set up my own barriers to emotionally accepting them. If I was not the priority in his life it was my fault and I had to try harder. The moments I may have been the priority in his life were few and far between. That did not stop me from trying to change him and the situation: be more interesting the next time. In return I only felt exhausted and exasperated never replenished.
From Beks: “but today I remember that I didn’t make him do anything. He just over estimated his interest, got scared and acted out in an effort to ensure he didn’t get himself in too deep.” Beks, you had the prescience to get out quickly. Your comment made me feel so angry with myself because I let this happen at least ten times in the last six months. No shortage of drama and absolutely no consistency.
I admire you.
MillionReasons,
I’ve made so many mistakes regarding men, and I am able to take responsibility for my part in this most recent tryst, but one thing I’ve learned is to not beat myself up for having very real human reactions and emotions. Also, I find it counterproductive to admonish myself for wanting/needing human contact and falling prey to a man who’s offering it. Unlike what society wants us to believe, women and men are not always different in their needs.
Something else we need to remember – we cannot predict the future. Nat has often said, there’s no point in beating ourselves up for not making a right decision based on information we didn’t even have yet. No matter what you may feel about yourself right now, I guarantee you’ve learned from this situation and you’ll move forward stronger and wiser than before. And that’s something to boast about!!
“I’ve made so many mistakes regarding men, and I am able to take responsibility for my part in this most recent tryst, but one thing I’ve learned is to not beat myself up for having very real human reactions and emotions. Also, I find it counterproductive to admonish myself for wanting/needing human contact and falling prey to a man who’s offering it. Unlike what society wants us to believe, women and men are not always different in their needs.”
Yessssss Beks! Couldn’t agree with this more! I honestly believe my path to salvation and healthier dating habits started when I accepted that I’M THE ONE who chooses to entertain these men. I’m the one who was ignorant (and in some cases blind) to the warning signs that were right in front of me. I’m the one who accepted their crumbs instead of telling them to f**k off.
Thankfully, I’ve always had the good sense to drop ’em when I eventually came to my senses, but the hardest thing for me is the post-break up battle with thoughts/feelings of anger, pride, and frustration:
How dare he treat me this way after everything I did for him?
How dare he waste my valuable time / effort / energy like that?
Who the hell does he think he is, I’m a freaking catch?! (Yeah, I really did think that lol).
But the truth was, I was never really angry with them, I was more pissed off with myself and angry that a savvy, smart, experienced, no-nonsense woman like me was taken for a fool again. Angry that I allowed another POS man to mess with my head and emotions again. Angry at the amount of time and/or money I’d invested in yet another failed relationship. Frustrated and angry because I felt as though I’d failed yet again.
I spent so long blaming everyone and everything else for my shitty luck in love, before I realised that the problem was ME and my piss poor taste in men combined with my own naivety – even though I thought I knew everything at the time.
Rachel,
I love your post….I believe it is anger, pride and frustration. I was such an enabler of his behavior because I desperately wanted him to want me, while never really asking myself if I really wanted him. He was a bore. I paid for everything. He had all kinds of addictions. But hey, he “wanted” me in bed and I fell for it, added to my incessant need to be liked. It was hard for me, too, to admit the problem was ME. He showed me who he was from the start….I am the one that refused to run.
Michelle says
My boyfriend and I had a nice relationship, lately he has been
Angry and moody sometimes. I usually sit by the dining table
To let him cool off, when l’m at work my female friend told me
My boyfriend was cheating another women behind my back.
he keep a secret from me. Lately when we go out on dates
My boyfriend lose his temper everyday, I feel frightened by him. When I was at home my boyfriend called me he said
“I’m breaking up with you”! My boyfriend left me.
As sad as it is to take Michelle, it sounds like you’re waaaaaaaay better off than being with a guy like that. he did you a favour. Focus on yourself now. And DONT take him back when he comes crawling!!!
Hi Everyone! Natalie, this couldn’t be more right on time! I just ended a relationship two days ago for the very same reasons. I feel like I was in church reading this, when the sermon pertains to your life. I couldn’t be more thankful and grateful. Moving on to taking a genuine interest in me and being the thing that I seek!
Go on Angela!
Thank you for this! I had an arrangement with a guy the past year that has fizzled out. He still keeps my interest ‘dangling’ with sporadic emails, Facebook/Instagram likes etc but I know he is just keeping in touch for his own convenience. I am trying to stay No Contact with him. I’ve gone off all dating apps and websites and am just working on myself right now.
Super excellent article! Thanks so much! So helpful!
Spot on! This clarity, perhaps related to where I am in my realization of “interest” vs. “commitment” with a particular guy, is easy to digest. Not just easy, but also a sigh of relief with this gem of a new insight attained.
Thanks, Natalie!
Hi — Not sure if this thread is still really active so I’ll comment in general reaction–
So. . .
1) I think this post goes nicely with the one about people pleasing (upon which I commented a lot). You cannot please your way into a relationship or keep one with pleasing. People pleasing does not upgrade “interest” to “commitment.”
2) Worth it to take a look at ALL your relationships, not just the romantic ones, and see where they fall on the “interested vs. committed” spectrum.
When I did that, it was a huge yet painful insight that only SLOWLY is starting to feel like relief, to FINALLY know what’s what and really, truly be alone with me and MY interests, if that’s what it takes. For example, it’s been very confusing to actually discover a high number of “interested” female friends in my life, rather than “committed” ones — regardless of how long we went back. You forgive and forgive and forgive, and “reconnect” and “reconnect” to save the relationship or get one started or re-started at a detriment to yourself — that’s kind of like people pleasing, too.
With that insight, I’m kind of starting to discern that if you stand for mostly”interest” in non-romantic relationships, you cannot easily upgrade to “commitment” in romantic relationships. Because you can’t distinguish one from the other. That may come from childhood, don’t know — particularly if you may not have known your father was only “interested” in, not “committed” to you (and your growth) and transferred that lack, that loss, to other relationships. Let alone if he happened to be outright DISinterested — pfff — a related but whole other kettle of fish.
Right on time as usual Nat! Thanks so much!
I have a question to pose to the community.
Many of my “friends” are men who have had an interest in me. We hang out, go to dinner on occasion, and just do the chill thing. It feels like they’re content to just hang out in my life with no intention of making anything happen or even progression in friendship. I don’t get much in the way of deep consistent emotional support, nor much in the way of intellectual stimulation, it’s kinda just killing time. I’m at a place in my life where I want more out of my relationships (familial, romantic, platonic) all around. I feel I just don’t want to waste energy on these men anymore who are barely real friends. I sometimes figure I’m just eye candy or something lol. It has been nice, I’m fairly new to the city I’m in so just hanging with them has helped some of the alone time. And believe me, I love me and am my own best friend, very introspective and can occupy my mind and time so well alone. But we’re social creatures and to avoid going too deep into myself it’s nice to have folks to spend time with. I want to just cut ties and focus my energy on other things even if I am lonely; yet I linger because…I don’t know…not so much the hope of things becoming more, but when I possibly go into my dark places some in-person support is better than none.
I’ve had relationships sort of like this before and they’re usually transient, fizzle out in some time. But I will say these current guys are of a higher caliber generally in terms of character. Yet, I’m not getting younger (29) and want to start a family in due time. I’m very relaxed in the search for my future partner not super actively pursuing dating, moreso working on creative and self development. My time and energy are valuable and I feel I’m setting my standard for what I’ll accept by letting them linger. It reminds me of a saying about your train not being able to come in the station if another one is occupying its spot.
But I think I’m talking myself into my answer haha, keep my standards high. I’m so proud of the person I have worked so so very hard to become, and if at the end of the day it means I’m less compatible with many in the masses so be it. I’m physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally strong and healthy and incredibly loving and this has taken a lot of inner work, falling and scraping my knee again and again, crying, laughter, learning and growing to be here. What I bring to the table should be valued and matched in some translation or another with a healthy dose of effort and respect.
big hugs!
Hi everyone,
I’ve been reading BR since 2009 when I discovered it during a very soul-destroying relationshit with a very messed up man who exploited my lack of self esteem and boundaries. I am 34 now, and despite my efforts to evolve as a person and to meet suitable mates have not had a single long term relationship, only a bunch of false starts and disappointments.
I’ve come to the conclusion that most men just don’t want a healthy, mutual, committed partnership. They think it might be fun, buuuuuttt…
I am at the point where I am so tired of doing little things to please men. Like wearing cute uncomfortable underwear. I’d rather spend that money on ME.
Or being nice and kind and giving, sexually or emotionally, to a man in hopes I’ll make him realize I’m a catch. Eff that. It leaves me feeling cheated.
Seems like the men that are interested in dating me are either unnattractive physically to me, want short term fun, are not emotionally available, or are just plain socially wierd. The fact that I don’t want to have kids further narrows the dating pool for me :/
Seriously, it just astounds me how many awesome people I come across who are looking for a partner, but keep getting dicked around left and right by dishonest people.
🙁
Hi Marianne,
Yes, it is pretty brutal out in the dating world. Don’t know if you’ve read any of my posts on here, but I was recently ‘ghosted’ after dating a guy for a few weeks. On (what turned out to be) our last date he was sitting there holding my hand at the table like everything was just fine, so what does that tell us? There were a few texts back and forth after that, then nothing from him for a week. I then sent him one final message suggesting that he ‘have a word with himself’, since then (and forever more) No Contact. He has been sent to the island of pathetic, cowardly ‘men’ (to use the word loosely). That island must be getting a bit crowded by now, judging by the number of alarmingly similar stories I’ve read on this site!
Do things for YOU. I personally buy pretty lingerie because I like it, the fact that a potential partner would like too is an added benefit (not the sole reason for wearing it). Buy/do things to make YOURSELF feel happy and confident. Be your ‘best self’ yes, but don’t ever be ‘fake’ you. We should never try to make ourselves into ‘someone else’ to please ANY man. No way.
I too decided (years ago) that having kids is not a priority for me. There is actually a big upside to this that you may not have considered, you (or any of us who have decided not to have children) don’t have the extra pressure of being single with the so-called ‘ticking clock’ in the background. I can only imagine how difficult dating must be for women in that situation (or single mums looking for a partner). So, we each have our own dating/relationship issues to deal with.
I’ve actually noticed that there are a lot of men around in their 30s and 40s who already have kids from a previous relationship, so having more kids might not be something they’re that interested in anyway. The fact that you (or I) don’t want kids might even be something they see as an advantage in dating us (no added pressure on them to ‘settle down and procreate’ straight away). See, ‘every cloud’……..
I know (believe me!) how many loser guys there are out there, but just try to think about what it is Marianne wants and don’t settle for any of their crap. We all deserve to be treated with respect. That’s NON-NEGOTIABLE!
Look after yourself and let your sisters (and brothers) in the BR community know how you’re getting on. We can help each other through the dating ‘mine field’. 🙂
Wow thank you so much for sharing this info. Loved this post. Reading from Venezuela. Thank you for writing and sharing this, it’s very helpful when you share your perspective and knowledge.
Natalie,
Another amazing post. I came on this site when I had my first taste of Mr Unavailable, I found him so bizarre, yet he was so sexy. I was googling for ages then I found this site, and i was like BINGO.
This was the most craziest experience EVER. I swear, I am not making any of this up!
He was 37, and I am 22, and police officer (in my head I thought that meant he was a nice person!) Oh boy was I wrong.
I was seeing him for 10 months and he didn’t ask one single question about me, i found it so bizarre. Everything he knew about me was through me telling him, we also worked in the same borough and i saw him ONCE a month if i was lucky for a ‘quick drink’ which usually meant two hours and he would end up finishing my drink because ‘he didn’t like drinking’ and he doesn’t like ‘hanging out’ he only does it ‘to make me happy’. say what now?? LOL.
We never slept together as i told him i can’t sleep with someone I am not committed to, and he was perfectly fine with it. Again i was like WOW.
But after reading this site, not having sex made him feel good, made him feel like he wasn’t using me. Even though he was, in other ways.
Also….. he would make me delete his texts because he shouldn’t be messaging girls sexually and he was scared i would tell the police. As alot of coppers get into trouble over these things. LOL. How stupid am I. I’m hardly a suspect PC Pr*ck (Wife there maybe?) and i had never been to his house where he lived with his ‘brother’as he moved out of his flat with his ex of 4 years, yet was happy to invite himself to mine, and the answer would always be NO from me. Can’t have ya cake and eat it luv!I broke it off 3 times and he would worm him way back (i went back once) but he would always welcome me back with open arms and be understanding. But like you said, of course he would. He’s getting the best of both worlds, its on his terms.
He would worm his way back by asking me things about ‘my new job’ and in my head i thought oh my gosh he cares. Nope, he faked interest to get me back, and when i took him back he wouldn’t ask me anything. Anything he would ask, that i thought to be nice was only to get something from me, like ‘new nudes’.
He also would call me when he’s on the move, never at home. When we would face-time it would be on a Friday morning when clearly nobody is at home.. and every-time i would call him ‘i can only talk for 10 mins’ ERRR. what?? He also used to like watching ebony porn and I’m black….I’ll leave that there. He would also constantly say ‘don’t fall in love’, ‘im not a nice person’ Again i would be like ‘don’t say that about yourself!’ Oh Jayzuz.
He ‘had so much fun with me’ ‘you have so many admirers, I’m so lucky and if he lost me it would be ‘his loss’ but was never willing to move it any further. I couldn’t understand how he could ‘fancy me so much’ yet have no drive to see me, more than ONCE a month. Then a few weeks ago he told me, he didn’t know whether to get back with his ex, ‘but he doesn’t love her, she’s not like me, its just because its easy and familiar’ (that old chesnut) and in my head I was like what???? You would rather get back with your ex then pursue something new? Made no sense. Anyway, I told him i couldn’t do this, I was so over it, I deserve better and I deleted him. He was abit sad, and i was like ‘YOU’RE SAD?’ delusional.
I felt rejected, bit of a bruise to the whole ego, but again maybe he was just interested in having a fun fling, deffo got peter pan syndrome, maybe in the back of his head he always knew he would go back to her even though she doesn’t make him happy. Or maybe they were always together? Who knows. I am on day 10 of no contact and feel good, i often wonder why the hell we even met, but maybe i needed him to come into my life to re-evaluate my values and my views on love and commitment.
Thank-you for this site, i know I’m not cuckoo!!!!
Dolly
xxxx