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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is inspired by a conversation with my cousin that reminded me of the assumptions and confusion surrounding the early stages of dating, namely when conversing online or on the first date or few. Despite promising chats before what seemed like a great date, he ended things, citing travel plans she’d mentioned before they met up. His rather long-winded explanation left her feeling baffled and confused. This got me thinking about the importance of recognising that all have different thresholds for believing twe have a connection with someone. We also have different thresholds for what we regard as ‘getting along’ and for desiring a relationship.
Some nuggets from the episode:
- What people say in the initial exchange via text/email/messenger isn’t necessarily set in stone for how things will be when you go on a date.
- We have to be careful of taking what people say they’re OK with prior to or on a first date too literally. The odds are, given a bit of time to brood, they’ll tune into their feelings or analyse and decide it’s too complicated.
- Sometimes people use information they gather via profiles or during date conversations that, when they then brood or over-analyse things, becomes their reason to justify why they won’t continue. Sometimes it’s about lack of enough connection to justify continuing. And sometimes they quite simply don’t know what they want.
- Dating helps us to figure out what we want. We forget that it’s a discovery phase. Sometimes we have very specific ideas about what we believe we need to fall for someone or be in a relationship. Experience shows us what’s true for us because romantic interest is a hypothesis. We’ll often get exactly what we said we want even if it doesn’t look exactly like we thought it would.
- We might assume that men and women don’t spend time together unless there’s the romantic interest. The other party, however, might be someone who does this all the time, so it doesn’t mean the same to them. Someone’s threshold for believing that there’s a connection, for desiring a relationship, might be entirely different to ours.
Anna might believe that you don’t get on with a guy like this unless there is romantic interest or unless you have a lot in common. She might think they have various things in common. That may well be true. Still, that doesn’t mean they’re things Bob values in a woman for them to have a relationship.
- If you haven’t been on a first date yet and so you’re at stage 0, you need to keep your expectations and ideas about what is or isn’t going on in check.
- Sometimes we expect too much out of initial interactions and first dates. It’s like we want texts, emails and the first date or few to do all the work of an entire relationship. That’s just not possible. We set ourselves up to fail and feel frustrated.
- The less time we spend trying to make others be like us, the sooner we can appreciate people and situations for what they are. It’s also the sooner we can stop being trapped, confused and cut up by illusions.
Links mentioned
- How to tell someone you’re not interested without ghosting
- Episode about type
- The stages of a relationship
- Getting Along On Common Ground in Your Romantic Relationships? Or Compromising Yourself?
- Podcast Ep. 123: The 5 Stages of Relationships
- Podcast Ep. 145: Stage 0-1 of Relationships & The Recruiter Mindset
Next stop
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Ironically, this is the second post in as many days on this subject. I have had folk appear super attracted many times only to have it mean utterly nothing. Apparently, those of us with a past where abuse was the rule have a problem with this. Often folk aren’t attracted so much as that you have something they want. Financial responsibility and security, good character, common sense, intelligence, being knowledgeable and well read, skills and abilities. Regrettably, you have to risk, put in the time to see if the attraction is genuine. Consistent giving of self, actions, is what’s needed by the other party. Related to this is my odd rship with an 80 yo man. Met him last year on line and kind of rejected him for his fragility; saw a future of being forced to slow down, care for him much as I did my late father. We reconnected late last Spring and it really feels like love though my level of physical attraction is iffy. Was is great is having a kindred soul that I can discuss and debate the world situation with, someone knowledgeable, well travelled, experienced, highly educated, an equal. Rare yet important for me. However, knowing and understanding my situation, that I couldn’t remain in this town, at this job, and that in Colorado, there’s really no affordable places where I can live my lifestyle, he is sad and hurt that I’m leaving yet has made no effort to suggest a compromise to make the rship work. No offers to live part time in his large and empty house, no offer for him to spend time part of the year at my farm. He wants me in his life yet won’t budge from his own routine to ensure that happens. All the compromise is to come from me. Actions, eh?
Actions speak. Talk is cheap. Apparently you are great company while in his presence, but at his age I would venture to guess that investment in anything isn’t worth it to him. It may require too much energy that he may not have.
I’m not sure what age you are Noquay but my father is 81 and his companion is 10 years younger! He is slowing down and she has noticed this. Dad also can’t be bothered with any hassle and that comes with his age. I am on the same page but because I have health problems that require my energy not stupid bureaucracy dealing with the idiots on the bus as I call them that so many organisations employ these days. I have a 6 year up 6 year down age range, 7 at a push. Because of my health problems I am wary as this is appealing to some men who think they can manipulate and control if you are vulnerable.
You’ve said yourself that the relationship is odd which is a red flag so maybe that is telling you something and maybe he was giving you something you needed as in company and conversation. Loneliness can drive people towards those that wouldn’t normally be considered which might have been two traffic. At 80 I wouldn’t be bothered dating. Actions do speak louder than words and as people age they get more set in their ways. You’ve dodged a bullet there and maybe you need to look at your boundaries and what drove you to a relationship with such an old man who you could have ended up being a carer for with iffy physical attraction to boot. It sounds like something was missing in your life that he gave you but it wasn’t a sensible relationship as he is nearing the end of his life and that may be on his mind.
I would not expect a man to be my carer and have resigned myself to being alone because of my health. There are days when I find it difficult with low energy levels which means I don’t need complications in life and wouldn’t want to drag a man into that. At 57 I have my routines that suit me and my health. My guess is if my Dad hadn’t known his companion when both their spouses were alive and met her when he did nearly 4 years ago he wouldn’t have bothered with meeting a stranger and putting the effort in. I know my Dad and much as I love him I don’t know how his companion puts up with him as I would have shown a man the door by now. She had to put up with him flip flapping for a spell not committing to a holiday etc and is a lovely lady but not assertive enough for him as he has controlling tendencies.
Feisty
I’m nearly 58 and seem to only attract older men. Dated my own age and it never worked. A classic old soul. My husband was much older and we got along fine. I’m done raising kids, taking care of parents, don’t ever wanna do that again. Sadly, most men my age will need caretaking due to overwhelming rates of obesity, diabetes, heart failure amongst us Boomers. I’d have to date 25 year olds to dodge that bullet.
Strong need for intellectual/spiritual/emotional/Environmental justice connection is the driving force here as I’m in the process of escaping an intellectual wasteland. We’d had the talk about caretaking, debility, etc and nope, I would not be taking care of him. Ironically, had he been my age, most blogs would encourage me to look past the attraction thing. I have set a boundary; no commitment, no compromise, I’m outta here. Quit job, house on market. In the meantime, i admit its awesome to have someone who cares about my day, my life, someone to talk to on my level.
Noquay you are braver then me as I just wouldn’t go there with an older man nor much younger either but I have mainly dated within my range with men who are at similar stages in life which is important. I have learnt to live without love and intellectual stimulation and am happier that way, but I wish you well. Keep those boundaries as they really matter as talk is so cheap. If someone acts because you ask them to do something that isn’t actions talking. They should be doing without being asked to match what they say. I’ve learnt those subtle differences along the way.
Exactly, Feisty
Perhaps because I had to grow up really fast, raised my bro as my son starting at age 17, already did my own parents end of life care and caretaking, my life stage is equivalent to someone much older. You’re soooo right; having to ask for something means they either didn’t intend to or didn’t have a clue they should give it. Was doing more thinking of the world situation, the state of my dating pool and yet again wonder if the move to my remote farm will be the start of my withdrawal from society. One thing that has kinda annoyed me are all the folk here, many men included, that don’t want me to leave yet were never there for me either. Tis like they kinda set up the situation of loneliness and isolation and now are upset I’m acting in response to it. Actions baby.
Yes Noquay it is the same in a job. You bust your gut doing it well don’t get appreciated, then when you are leaving suddenly the sun shines outta your ass! Go for what you want and stuff other people. It is being true to yourself that counts even if you don’t succeed with what you wish to achieve. Those men just don’t want to see available totty (no disrespect intended) disappearing as then they become monks! To some extent I have withdrawn from society and find I am better off for it. I got fed up meeting people who were shallow that I had nothing in common with. Also too many cougars my age and men who don’t know what they want out of life or in a woman. Also my health has become a barrier to socialising. Go for what you want and good luck.