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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is inspired by a conversation with my cousin that reminded me of the assumptions and confusion that surround the early stages of dating, namely when conversing online or on the first date or few. Despite promising chats before what seemed like a great date, he ended things, citing travel plans she’d mentioned before they met up. His rather long-winded explanation left her feeling baffled and confused. This got me thinking about the importance of recognising that all have different thresholds for believing that we have a connection, for what we regard as getting along, and for desiring a relationship.

Some nuggets from the episode:

  • “What people say in the initial exchange via text/email/messenger isn’t necessarily set in stone for how things will be when you go on a date.”

  • We have to be careful of taking what people say they’re OK with prior to or on a first date too literally because the odds are that given a bit of time to brood, they’ll tune into their feelings or analyse, and decide that it’s too complicated.

    "It’s too much to expect initial texts or calls, or a first date to do the discovery work of an entire relationship." Natalie Lue, Bagagge Reclaim, relationship quote

  • Sometimes people use information that they gather via profiles or during date conversations, that when they then brood or over-analyse things, that that becomes the reason they use to justify why they won’t continue. Sometimes it’s about lack of enough connection to justify continuing, and sometimes they quite simply don’t know what they want.
  • Dating helps us to figure out what we want. We forget that it’s a discovery phase. Very specific ideas about what it is that we think that we need in order to fall for a person or be in a relationship. Experience shows us what’s true for us. We’ll often get exactly what we said we want even if it doesn’t look exactly like we thought it would.
  • We might assume that men and women don’t spend time together unless there’s romantic interest. The other party, however, might be someone who does this all the time, so it doesn’t mean the same thing to them. Someone’s threshold for believing that there’s a connection, for desiring a relationship, might be entirely different to ours.

“Anna might believe that you don’t get on with a guy like this unless there is romantic interest or unless you have a lot in common. She might think that they have various things in common and, yes, that may well be true, but that doesn’t mean that those are things that Bob values in a woman in order for them to have a relationship.”

  • If you haven’t been on a first date yet and so you’re at stage 0, you need to keep your expectations and ideas about what is or isn’t going on in check.
  • Sometimes we expect too much out of initial interactions and first dates. It’s like we want texts, emails and the first date or few to do all the work of an entire relationship — and that’s just not possible. We set ourselves up to fail, to be frustrated.
  • The less we spend our time trying to make others be like us, is the sooner we can appreciate people and situations for what they are, is the sooner we can stop being trapped, confused and cut up by illusions.

Talk is cheap. How okay someone is with something is evident in their actions. Natalie Lue.

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