In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, it’s time to rethink our attitude to interest and recognise that interest is a hypothesis. Thinking that someone is interested in us, or trying to figure out their agenda, or trying to make sense of why they’re no longer interested or showing interest the way we want them to is often a huge source of anxiety, confusion, misplaced assumptions and hurt.
When we’re interested in something or someone, we think about it/them a lot and we’re fascinated.
We think we want to know a bit or a lot more about it or them, or we think that we want to be or do something as a result of the interest.
It’s thinking that we want to know them and for them to know us.
We think that we want to make this a big or our biggest interest.
It’s taking little fragments of information, known, assumed, guessed or outright made-up and thinking that we’re a good fit. Or using this info to decide that we want to be, do or have whatever it is.
Interest in someone or something is a hypothesis.
We have a story in our mind based on whatever we’re feeling and our level of awareness at that time. We use it to explain or even justify our own interest or to assume someone else’s, and we do it on the basis of limited evidence. The hypothesis of that interest is a starting point for further investigation and exploration.
We treat interest like a statement of something or a contract.
Interest in someone or something isn’t a commitment. And it doesn’t mean that we (or they) know anything or a lot about the object of our or their interest.
Our anxiety about interest is about 1) on some level knowing that we don’t actually know them and we’re anxious about that and 2) feeling responsible for the upkeep of the interest. This plays into outdated notions about relationships including:
If someone is interested enough, this overcomes everything from them being emotionally unavailable, grappling with addiction, otherwise occupied in another relationship, a sociopath or narcissist and more.
Someone can know immediately without actually knowing you, and possibly just by judging your appearance, that you are The One. This means that if things don’t work out, it’s because we effed it up.
Sporadic, snatch-it-away interest from a user is often mistaken for being ‘needed’.
If interest doesn’t materialise into what we think it should or what they implied it would, we determine that it’s our fault.
There’s a big difference between interest and committed.
Sometimes the reason why interest is ‘scary’ is because much as we might fear being wrong, making mistakes and failing, we’re often even more afraid of being ‘right’. In danger of getting what we want. That makes it valuable.
We have to decide if we can we be the person who commits? Can we be the person who allows us to go into the unknown?
Sometimes, I was interested in proving something about myself. Or I was avoiding being alone. Sometimes it was about seeking validation, getting security, being right, punishing myself. It was trying to right the wrongs of the past from my relationship with my parents.
We only know how interested someone is in us and a relationship by what unfolds, not by working out things in our head.
“Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you.” — Orebela Gbenga
As our interest increases, we become a stakeholder in it. We build up in commitments through our actions, attitude and intentions.
When it comes to trying out new things, some people prefer to be the novice who tried out something a few times and appeared to be brilliant or showing talent at that point. They fear developing that experience and running the risk of disappointing and not being perfect or ‘the best’.
It’s difficult for some people to commit on their interest because they don’t know themselves enough.
If they want something different to you despite their interest, the relationship isn’t going to work. You don’t share core values where it counts. If how they lead their life means that we can’t meet our emotional needs and we have to be, do and have less than who we really are, interest is far from being enough.
In the early stages of dating somebody and you’re trying to predict if this is “it”? You’re trying to gauge the wrong information. You don’t have enough information yet.
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This is a mistake I made for many years. Not only did I always blame myself when a guy I dated lost interest in me. No, I also believed that something was wrong with me whenever I lost interest in a man myself (usually after a few dates or a few weeks). My assumption was that as a healthy person, I should be able to reciprocate any interest someone else showed in me. As a result, I put even more pressure on myself.
Yes, maybe I was unavailable. Yes, maybe someone “got away” because of this. However, most of the guys I didn’t want to stay with probably weren’t the right fit for me, anyway. This thought is quite liberating.
NATALIE
on 22/11/2019 at 2:14 pm
Wow. This: “My assumption was that as a healthy person, I should be able to reciprocate any interest someone else showed in me.” Actually gave me tingles reading it because this is the truth for a hell of a lot of people out there. And why we don’t realise when we operate with this assumption is that it means that we have little or no discernment so we can’t make choices and decisions that support us. Thank you!
Raine
on 27/11/2019 at 11:15 am
Natalie, if only I had known this since I was a teenager. Being a very imaginative person, I pined and lamented over guys who I hadn’t even kissed (!) which is the clincher for me.
It’s one thing to admire someone’s looks, talents, or style, but who knows how they would actually treat you in a relationship or how much they would want to be known.
I almost feel like this should be a mandatory class in high school. Like First Aid.
The years I spent lamenting…
NATALIE
on 03/12/2019 at 2:06 pm
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Raine. This subject is so crucial because we can spend a hell of a lot of our life suffering unnecessarily and not fundamentally understanding what is really going on. So many people blame themselves without understanding the enormous mental leap they’ve made that’s distorting their feelings and perceptions.
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This is a mistake I made for many years. Not only did I always blame myself when a guy I dated lost interest in me. No, I also believed that something was wrong with me whenever I lost interest in a man myself (usually after a few dates or a few weeks). My assumption was that as a healthy person, I should be able to reciprocate any interest someone else showed in me. As a result, I put even more pressure on myself.
Yes, maybe I was unavailable. Yes, maybe someone “got away” because of this. However, most of the guys I didn’t want to stay with probably weren’t the right fit for me, anyway. This thought is quite liberating.
Wow. This: “My assumption was that as a healthy person, I should be able to reciprocate any interest someone else showed in me.” Actually gave me tingles reading it because this is the truth for a hell of a lot of people out there. And why we don’t realise when we operate with this assumption is that it means that we have little or no discernment so we can’t make choices and decisions that support us. Thank you!
Natalie, if only I had known this since I was a teenager. Being a very imaginative person, I pined and lamented over guys who I hadn’t even kissed (!) which is the clincher for me.
It’s one thing to admire someone’s looks, talents, or style, but who knows how they would actually treat you in a relationship or how much they would want to be known.
I almost feel like this should be a mandatory class in high school. Like First Aid.
The years I spent lamenting…
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Raine. This subject is so crucial because we can spend a hell of a lot of our life suffering unnecessarily and not fundamentally understanding what is really going on. So many people blame themselves without understanding the enormous mental leap they’ve made that’s distorting their feelings and perceptions.