Tags: coronavirus relationships, disappointment, expectations, healthy friendships, managing expectations in relationships, Online Dating : People supermarket, the five stages of relationships
During the pandemic, I’ve heard from an increasing number of people who feel wounded after spending sometimes hours talking/texting with someone each day, only for it not to blossom into the friendship or romantic relationship they expected. They often feel messed about, duped, used. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into why we have to be careful of letting our imaginations and expectations run the show, especially when we don’t really know someone at all. Sometimes, it’s more like we’ve been getting to know a hologram!
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Nuggets from the episode
- One of the traps that people have fallen into during the pandemic is assuming that the restrictions made us more honest and authentic. It’s a cognitive leap, though, to assume that video chats with someone who might be significantly out of routine are exactly the same as if you’d been dating in person.
- In contexts where we’re not making romantic assumptions, such as when we’re being friendly with people online, we tend to be more aware and grounded. We are aware of the context. While we might bond over a shared experience or activity, it won’t necessarily cause us to decide we know them inside out. We won’t map out our future.
- When we assume romantic intentions, have romantic feelings or where it’s implied by the situation (dating app/site), we seem to lose all sense of context. Because of what we hope to get or avoid, we let our imagination, expectations and even delusion take over.
- When we’re texting, DM-ing, Facetiming back and forth with someone we haven’t met in real life yet, especially every day or in intense bursts, we think that we’re getting to know the actual person. Depending on how real we and they are being, though, it’s more like two holograms hanging out!
- Talking intensely with someone we don’t know creates unrealistic expectations that set us up for a fall. It’s not sustainable. We might not realise how dependent we’ve become on the pattern of contact until the other party deviates from it.
If, before the pandemic, we tended to get caught out by our expectations and imagination, we now have an even greater duty of care to get grounded.
- Humans have a habit of putting themselves across in the way they want to be perceived instead of how they are. The less self-aware we are, the more likely we are to shift to suit the context and person.
- A virtual setting, so where there’s no in-person experience to draw from causes people to play-act, whether intentionally or not. Throw in a pandemic where someone may have been out of their typical routine and so had all day to sit on their phone and be whoever they (or we) wanted them to be, and it’s easy to see why we end up believing that we’re in something deeper than we are.
- We must be mindful about what it takes to actually get to know someone. If we are less inclined to be driven by unrealistic expectations and our imagination, we will be far less receptive to charming people who are unhealthy or even dangerous.
- Having ‘bestie’ expectations of a friendship that really isn’t that creates undue pressure and might even cause great discomfort for the other party.
- Getting honest about our original intentions and motivations helps us to manage the disappointment we’re grappling with. If we started chatting to an ex on Facebook because we were bored and lonely and this person was the perfect distraction, it’s OK. We’re only human. But we’ve got to keep it honest instead of rewriting the past and beating ourselves up. Acknowledging the truth helps us to understand why we got caught up in a fantasy or created unrealistic expectations.
- Only chatted with someone online or over the phone/video? There’s a second getting to know. This allows you to reconcile what you think you already know with reality.
Links mentioned
- Seth Godin’s Akimbo episode about AI
- Jessica Lauren of No Real Jewelry (also Instagram)
- Tiffany Han (also Instagram)
- Expectations in friendships (ep 106)
- The Five Stages of Relationships (ep 123)
- Do you have a dating/relationship self (ep 127)
- Texting anxiety (ep 167)
- Netflix’s Social Distance
- Nicole Antoinette
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Nat, what a interesting post. I would rather bite the head off a poisonous snake than risk another Internet romance. Alas, the Internet seems to be a huge breeding ground for people afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are barracudas, and I’m apparently a little guppy.
I’m happy for those whose luck ran better than mine, but I’m still reeling from the E Ticket Disney ride I took with that chaos loving, liar and cheater.
I’m healed and ready to get out there (in person) but this pandemic is a real BlockCocker, if you get my drift. 😉
How well I understand you! Decided to give the benefit of the doubt to a dating app for the first time during this pandemic (and was very cautious on my choice). As so many people, as I hear. And I’m traumatised already, in just a short while had to shut everything down and retreat to recover. Apparently got caught in a whirlwind ‘love bombing’ and ‘fast tracking’ romance, which ended abruptly when everything seemed to be going great. I considered myself to be well-informed, and therefore there is also a feeling of shame in all this. At some point started to let my guard down, everything seemed so perfect, and I surely deserved some attention for a change! I realise that along with the pandemic we are having a pandemic of emotional vulnerability, which is a breeding ground for all kinds of dysfunctional interactions. One aspect that I also realised is that, during these lockdown times, when we may not have physical contact and affection for a long period, sharing closeness with someone (when you get to know them in person) may have an unexpectedly strong impact. I realised the pandemic circumstances make it even more difficult to get over the situation and move on. I fear for those who are more fragile than myself at this time. I loved the barracuda-guppy metaphor, I feel exactly the same. Humour is still the best medicine 🙂 I can’t say I’m healed though, and doubt I will ever return to the app world. Right now I’m focused on keeping (some) faith in humanity.
The timing of your blog post couldn’t be more perfect and I look forward to listening to this episode. I start to become heavily addicted to texting my former family law attorney back in April and have been fighting myself to stop. He was responsive which also didn’t help the addiction. Logically I knew that not even a true friendship could develop from my interactions with him but my emotions didn’t want to match that and yes I’ve allowed myself to get lost in illusions which have been a beast to exit. I have a lot of trauma in my history and I am learning that I’ve escaped the emotions from these traumas never working to recover from them by escaping into my own fantasy world. Through your books and other resources I am beginning to not only fully realize I do this but to also recognize that it is in fact holding me back.
I ended up firing my attorney due to becoming so strongly attached to my illusion of him and struggling to let go of my texting habits with him and the heartbreak is very much real. Lots of tears, lots of journaling, lots of driving my friends crazy, lots of fighting myself to reenter my illusions in order to avoid the heartbreak.
Big hugs to you, Ash. Something about him maybe represents a sense of justice and validation given that he’s connected to whatever you hired him for. Of course, from his side, good boundaries and professionalism would have meant that he wouldn’t avail himself of your vulnerability and predicament. The heartbreak is indeed real. Be very kind to yourself, and make sure you get any additional support you can.
I will never make this mistake again. I have been left heartbroken by an EUM who I was in text only contact for a year with before we started dating.
We then split and now he’s back to only texting. I’m not strong enough to make the break. I can see he’s not into this like me.
The intimacy I felt we built up that first year has floored me. I thought it was real, was sure of it. Why would he waste his day messaging otherwise?
It’s a huge headfuck and I’m not sure how to get out of it.