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“Selling myself”. This pretty much sums up what I have been doing with this certain guy. But the excuse or reason that this is early in the relationship is something I can’t claim. No, it has been three years.
Even though I don’t really have him, I’m afraid of losing him. In 2017 he said that he cannot be emotionally available to me. So he drew the line in the sand. And so of course I present as a no needs! no drama! woman. I hold on at any cost.
At minute 22 in the podcast Natalie mentions losing ourselves. With him I alternate among anxiety, disappointment, and sometimes hope. If I audition really well, maybe he won’t leave. But he always leaves.
These situations are painful, MillionReasons, as you’re already all too aware. One angle you could explore here is what letting go of him represents. You talk about being afraid of “losing him” even though you don’t have him, and this cycle suggests that this situation allows you to avoid having to be and do certain things. This situation likely also allows you to feel ‘special’ albeit in a negative way. I think, also, that while he does always leave, you might getting high on those fleeting times when he comes back. Maybe believing that you have the power to at the very least distract him.
The thing that you have to remember is this: your effort has nothing to do with his availability. This isn’t one of those situations where the harder you try the more available become and the less likely they are to leave. His unavailability is within him and about him, not you. Don’t allow this man to keep doing the equivalent of popping back up in your life to poke you with a stick to see if you’ll still respond to him.
Yes, I most certainly did. There are so many societal messages given to women to act a certain way, look a certain way, dress a certain way or you won’t get a man.
I was married to an assclown who did the cliche mid life crisis. Cheated and ditched me at menopause for starters. Part of me absorbs the messages older women are worthless and invisible.
But I know he was EU and I think I knew it from the start.
He hasn’t changed. He has “been with” someone from another country for 2 years now and they still haven’t met. She talking marriage and babies and I’m sure he does too but he hasn’t even divorced me and I have tried and he makes excuses not to sign the papers.
I realize I’m avoidant too. After finishing your Dreamer book, I’m working on getting a real life life back. No more virtual and working on being true to myself.
Yes, Natalie, there are elements of power in play for me here. In calm moments, meaning not in his presence, I can reflect on his emotional unavailability as “it’s not that he won’t; it’s that he can’t”. But when he and I are together I consciously engage in trying harder, +charming, +funny, +reassuring, +attractive, etc.
And, yes again, to the high I get, not only from being with him but even in anticipation. I don’t know enough about it to form a conclusion, but sometimes I think he and I can be a source of narcissistic supply for each other. By now I should know and accept that hot will be followed by cold. So, I ask myself if I am better with him or without him. However I have to frame it in the context of the person he is, without the possibility of him changing, or of him being “fixable”. That someday he will realize he loves me and needs me and will act (change) accordingly. That’s pure delusion and fantasy on my part.
As Sara pointed out above, regarding social messages, for me aging is threatening. The pressures to be, to act, to look, to dress only increases, while the supply of available men only decreases. Narcissistic or not, emotionally unavailable or not.
I’ve read other advice that suggests women should lead with our ‘feminine energy’ when dealing with a man. However, in my everyday life, I tend to lead with more ‘masculine energy’ as I’m a take charge, independent, no-nonsense, self confident woman and I hate feeling that I have to suppress that (by leading with feminine energy) to impress a man. Feels inauthentic but also makes me feel as if I’m in a Catch-22.