Tags: auditioning in dating and relationships, common ground in relationships, common interests in relationships, Dating and Relationship Selves, Discovery phase of dating, fear of intimacy, getting along, getting along versus compatibility, persona in romantic relationships, Stage 0, we have so much in common
When you go on dates or are in a relationship, who shows up? Is it you, the whole you and nothing but the you? Or is it your representative, the persona you send out that’s a glossier or more watered-down version of you that you think does the best job of selling you as future partner or spouse material? In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the subject of dating and relationship selves and why there can’t be too great a difference between these and our authentic selves.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- Your dating and relationship self is a persona. It’s based on various dating, sexual and emotional experiences that shape your perception and attitude towards love, relationships and yourself.
- How we behave romantically isn’t just based on our experiences, though. Friends and family’s experiences influence us as well. We even file away stories we’ve heard from random people as well as what we read in the media. Keep in mind, also, that we’re biased towards information that validates our existing beliefs. If we really want a relationship but are also telling ourselves that there are no decent people left to date, we’ll notice anything in the media or in the experiences of family and friends, to validate this.
- Most of us would scoff at the idea of behaving like the wife-to-be in Coming To America who barks like a dog when asked because “I like what you like”. In reality, though, we’ve all engaged in our versions of this in our attempts to find love. If we consider all the things we’ve said and done in order, for example, to secure a second date, to get laid, to avoid being dumped/alone, to be seen as better than an ex/competitor, or to look sexy or like ‘marriage material’, her actions don’t seem so absurd after all.
”When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.” – Chris Rock
- An example of where we might let our dating and relationship self take over is where we feel that we’ve been penalised in the past for coming across as “too ambitious”. We might then determine that in order for us to be successful at relationships that we need to play down our accomplishments and achievements.
Some of us really don’t know, like and trust ourselves and rely on dating and relationship selves because we don’t feel good enough.
- Because our dating and relationship self comprises all of the things that we think that we need to be, do and have to ‘get’ love and secure a relationship, we get angry with partners or with ourselves when things don’t work out. We feel as if we’re playing by society’s rules and still getting shortchanged and knocked out of the running.
- The bigger the gap between your dating and relationship self and the real you, the bigger the problems. You can only be in low-intimacy relationships when you’re too afraid to let the real you out.
- Have you become less of who you really are? Do you do things while dating or in a relationship with the specific intention of trying to come across in a certain way? Do you try to be whatever you think your partner likes and wants? Do you feel lost when a relationship ends no matter how short? Yep, these are all signs that the real you takes a back seat when you experience romantic interest.
Links mentioned
- I ‘Failed’, and I’m OK
- The Five Stages of Relationships
- The Release & Relief of Giving Up On Try-Ing
- On trying too hard for relationship crumbs
- Getting Along On Common Ground in Your Romantic Relationships? Or Compromising Yourself?
- Podcast Ep. 209: The Compatibility Factor
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“Selling myself”. This pretty much sums up what I have been doing with this certain guy. But the excuse or reason that this is early in the relationship is something I can’t claim. No, it has been three years.
Even though I don’t really have him, I’m afraid of losing him. In 2017 he said that he cannot be emotionally available to me. So he drew the line in the sand. And so of course I present as a no needs! no drama! woman. I hold on at any cost.
At minute 22 in the podcast Natalie mentions losing ourselves. With him I alternate among anxiety, disappointment, and sometimes hope. If I audition really well, maybe he won’t leave. But he always leaves.
These situations are painful, MillionReasons, as you’re already all too aware. One angle you could explore here is what letting go of him represents. You talk about being afraid of “losing him” even though you don’t have him, and this cycle suggests that this situation allows you to avoid having to be and do certain things. This situation likely also allows you to feel ‘special’ albeit in a negative way. I think, also, that while he does always leave, you might getting high on those fleeting times when he comes back. Maybe believing that you have the power to at the very least distract him.
The thing that you have to remember is this: your effort has nothing to do with his availability. This isn’t one of those situations where the harder you try the more available become and the less likely they are to leave. His unavailability is within him and about him, not you. Don’t allow this man to keep doing the equivalent of popping back up in your life to poke you with a stick to see if you’ll still respond to him.
Yes, I most certainly did. There are so many societal messages given to women to act a certain way, look a certain way, dress a certain way or you won’t get a man.
I was married to an assclown who did the cliche mid life crisis. Cheated and ditched me at menopause for starters. Part of me absorbs the messages older women are worthless and invisible.
But I know he was EU and I think I knew it from the start.
He hasn’t changed. He has “been with” someone from another country for 2 years now and they still haven’t met. She talking marriage and babies and I’m sure he does too but he hasn’t even divorced me and I have tried and he makes excuses not to sign the papers.
I realize I’m avoidant too. After finishing your Dreamer book, I’m working on getting a real life life back. No more virtual and working on being true to myself.
Yes, Natalie, there are elements of power in play for me here. In calm moments, meaning not in his presence, I can reflect on his emotional unavailability as “it’s not that he won’t; it’s that he can’t”. But when he and I are together I consciously engage in trying harder, +charming, +funny, +reassuring, +attractive, etc.
And, yes again, to the high I get, not only from being with him but even in anticipation. I don’t know enough about it to form a conclusion, but sometimes I think he and I can be a source of narcissistic supply for each other. By now I should know and accept that hot will be followed by cold. So, I ask myself if I am better with him or without him. However I have to frame it in the context of the person he is, without the possibility of him changing, or of him being “fixable”. That someday he will realize he loves me and needs me and will act (change) accordingly. That’s pure delusion and fantasy on my part.
As Sara pointed out above, regarding social messages, for me aging is threatening. The pressures to be, to act, to look, to dress only increases, while the supply of available men only decreases. Narcissistic or not, emotionally unavailable or not.
I’ve read other advice that suggests women should lead with our ‘feminine energy’ when dealing with a man. However, in my everyday life, I tend to lead with more ‘masculine energy’ as I’m a take charge, independent, no-nonsense, self confident woman and I hate feeling that I have to suppress that (by leading with feminine energy) to impress a man. Feels inauthentic but also makes me feel as if I’m in a Catch-22.