It’s that time of the week again– there’s a new episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!
Here’s what I cover in episode 20:
Do neglected chores break a relationship? After reading this post over at Must Be This Tall To Ride about how the author’s wife effectively felt unappreciated, disrespected, unloved etc, due to him failing to honour her request to not leave dishes etc in the sink, I talk about why when stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste or laundry on the floor becomes the fuel for a battleground or even a breakdown of a relationship, it’s a sign that we need to acknowledge the deeper issues behind our frustrations plus why being of service isn’t the same as showing up. | Read more about Buffers (as mentioned in the segment) and being indispensable instead of vulnerable.
The 8 Types of Inner Critic Find out about the motivations and irrational fears of the 8 types of inner critics including The Perfectionist, The Spoiler, and The Pusher. | Find out more about the Tune In To Your Inner Voice 30-Day Project.
Six magic words for the responsibility dumper: It’s demoralising to argue with someone who is coming from a perspective where they actually think that they can dump their responsibility for something on you. I share a one-liner that makes it clear that you’re not going to be drawn into trying to make sense out of nonsense.
Listener Question – Should I keep trying to initiate a healthy confrontation conversation [with the conflict avoider]? What do you do when you have issues in your relationship but your partner is a conflict dodger and then next thing, they’ve ghosted you? I explain why it’s time to leave it alone.
What Nat Learned This Week: My daughter being unwell over this past week gave me a good reminder about intuition and why we don’t need to get hung up on whether it’s ‘right’.
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Nat xxx
Nat xx
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mack down! I relate to all 8 inner critic types you identified. There is a rejection theme going through my head. Because I WAS rejected. So although the inner critic represents irrational thinking, it remains viable because I replay my rejection scenario in my head each day. So the inner critic seems logical…
‘This rejection happened:
Perfectionist – because I wasn’t good enough. If I was, he could not have disappeared.
Pusher – because maybe I didn’t try hard enough and ask the right questions. I was too content believing that all was well.
Spoiler- because I DID trust and let myself be vulnerable and happy. I finally relaxed and accepted goodness.
Guilter – because I expected too much from someone else. I depended on someone else other than myself.
Conformist – because I let myself ‘be seen’ and shared who I am, thinking and believing that he actually liked me as the person I am.
Limiter – for feeling comfortable and confident in myself and the relationship.
Shamer – for believing that it could be real and mutual.
Chopper – because in the end, I got what I deserved. Rejected.
It feels very real and true for me, not so illogical. My inner critic is the combination of all these types you listed reinforcing that what I deserve is disappointment and rejection. Good relationships and happiness are not for everyone, sorry, pick something else like … Cutting the lawn with scissors. I sound and feel bitter. I guess I am. Which is worse… Hopeless or bitter?
What you said, it all makes sense. But when real life reinforces these negative ideas, it’s really R-E-A-L-L-Y tough to convince myself to believe otherwise. Bottom line… I trusted myself that it was ok to believe and trust someone who deceived me. And now it’s like I’m telling myself… ‘See. Told you so. That’s what you get.’
As painful as it is to hear, thank you for this podcast. Happy people don’t think like this, right?
Hi Say Something. Of course it feels very real and true to you– it’s what you’ve been carrying for so long and irrational doesn’t mean based on zero truth but it does mean a hell of a lot of distortion and very little compassion.
Is real life really reinforcing these ideas?
Take me for example. I had a horrible situation unfold which ticked an old and actually still sneakily underlying belief: grown-ups cannot be trusted especially female elders in my family. I felt very wounded for quite some time and while I had undoubtedly been let down, what happened was not really evidence of ‘elders’, especially female ones, being untrustworthy full stop.
Every single one of the things that you’ve listed contains untruths hence why you are bound to feel bitter and hopeless.
Us humans are very good at putting 2 and 2 together and making 200. We make things fit and if you are telling the story in the same old way you’re telling the story and seeing things in the same old way that you’re seeing things, then what you say fits, but just remember that your story isn’t the fundamental or universal truth otherwise none of us would ever go anywhere, do anything or ever came about a damn thing.
People have terrible things happen every day- rape, poisoned water, killings, cancer, chronic illness, abuse and the list goes on. If you think that life is about not being good enough and about what is deserved, that applies to everything and everyone.
Believe me when I say, I hear you, because the first thing that popped into my head and continued to pop into my head when I was hurt was, “You see. This is what you get for being a fool. Stupid you. You’re a f*ck up and always will be”. When I noted how much pain I was in with this attitude and connected with who I really am, I had to tell that voice to shut the f up.
*Some* of your unhappiness is about these things having happened but the overwhelming majority of it is about how you have thought about and treated you in response to what has happened. The untruths.
Thank you, Natalie.
I have read and reread your comment several times now. Trying to digest. When I read other people’s comments it seems fairly easy for me to assess for logical reasoning. What you say MAKES sense – that my personal reasoning cannot be the universal truth. There is still a part of me that feels like something must’ve been so horribly wrong in order for things to have ended like they did so I guess I attribute this belief the way I do, blaming myself. I really hope I get the opportunity to try again (with someone else) but I truly think that time may never come. It’s not like there are people I’m turning down. There is NOBODY. In seven years I think 3 people have asked me out in real life. Online was disastrous for me. Several ‘one and done’ dates, ghosting, bleh, and also how I ended up on BR. It is SO HARD to believe that I am ‘normal’ as opposed to ‘undateable’ when I have zero dating prospects. I wish there was some screening or evaluation service that would meet me, interview me, test me, look at me, talk to me, and give me feedback on all areas. Like an annual review at work. Or a job interview. Probably if I searched enough and paid $$$ I’d find just that. (Maybe that’s the cosmetic surgery industry? For $85,000 we can begin phase one…) My sister has done boobs, lips, botox, laser treatments. She was already tall, thin, and beautiful. Someone please tell me why … When she has been sickly thin (eating disorder thin) she receives uber positive attention from men. Same in high school, when she was 98 lbs the POSITIVE comments and attention reinforced that she needed to look that way. Even a few years ago my friend at 5-10 dropped to 125 lbs after her divorce. She was too thin, but guys LOVED it. She told them she was a mess, they didn’t care. I observed these dynamics, and could only figure that a majority (not ALL I know) could care less about a woman’s mental/ emotional state, and were willing to accept serious drama if they could attract the attention of a model thin woman. Both my sister and friend are attractive. BUT get so thin to the point of unhealthy, and it seemed like it was encouraged. (Not sure where all that body image stuff came from, I guess it bothers me)
To finish up my rambling, I’m not over-trying, I’m not hiding. I’m just trying to *be*. I’m TRYING not to stress; I’ve maintained my distance from social media, online dating, and television since last summer. I still have several group activities I participate in, but mostly there are couples groups within them all (example I show up and it’s 4 couples plus me). I’ve cut so many ‘fillers’ out of my life. In essence, I’ve modified my lifestyle in the pursuit of clarifying what is really important to me. Do I feel happier? Not really. I don’t think I abused the things I’ve given up. Really, I just feel lonely. And tired. Because I am. So I’m trying to convince myself that lonely is the new black. And that someday I’ll sleep again (thanks Fitbit for clarifying that I suck at sleeping). I’ve spent so much money trying to fix myself. I don’t even know what’s broken! Sorry for the word purge. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.
Awesome Podcast, Natalie. Thanks for all your work. I shared this on Facebook.
Thank you Kim M. Much appreciated!
This reminded me of how when the ex and I lived in Tokyo and were both earning decent money and pulling our weight, the piddly stuff didn’t stand out so much and he could get away with doing his transactional thing of abusing me and then throwing a tonne of money at me to square up, i.e., fancy expensive date; shopping spree; fun trip; etc., but the poverty we’ve been suffering since relocating to SoCal has curtailed that “pressure release”, so every little infraction compounded the toxicity, contributing to the recent bust-up of the marriage.
I now realise that where one is on the housekeeping spectrum constitutes a core values issue and when sussing out a potential partner, I need to have a good, accurate understanding of whether that person shares my ABSOLUTE NEED for a clean, peaceful, orderly home where I know what I have and can find and access it easily. That said, don’t get me wrong: I am no OCD-level neat freak by any stretch of the imagination. I have four indoor cats.
A question to ponder: what did my mother go through that gave her such a ruthlessly self-defeating army of inner critics that I inherited? As is the case with the man I just divorced, I’m not even mad anymore. I am just grateful for the lessons. Now I know what that looks like and can avoid it going forward. I no longer feel compelled to engage in a continuous, ongoing self-demolition derby. I no longer feel any need to stay in a losing battle out of morbid curiosity just to see how fucked up it will get.
P.S. LOL at the butter quirk! That reminded me of when I was a little kid and how I loved getting to be the first to use a new tub so I could carve out the swirly bit in the middle. I’ve been using butter in stick form for so many years now that I’d forgot all about that!
Em gets a real bee in his bonnet about the butter. Even the kids love winding him up about it!
Recognising your mother’s journey humanises her rather than defining her and you on your relationship (mother daughter) which when we do the latter, becomes about, “You’re my mother so you should ________ and if you don’t then this means that I’m not a __________ daughter”.
Your mother had a whole life full of experiences before having you and while in an ideal world, our parents would be wiped clean of disorder and dysfunction before conceiving or laying a hand on us, that just isn’t going to happen. We all make these journeys for a reason. Your mother parented partly on what she probably experienced as a child and partly out of responding sometimes chaotically in the moment. Self-loathing isn’t a good recipe for a strong mother-daughter connection!
It sure isn’t! It’s so sad to see what it did to her. At least I managed to catch myself in time to make a turnaround at age 49. It’s never too late though. I wonder how to start that conversation with her???