As I prepared for this episode, it occurred to me that some of worst dating and relationship experiences were with people who I’d been ‘set up’ with. They were ‘recommended’, and people were eager to push us together or to push for another date — and I ignored my own misgivings. Of course, I’m not alone in my experiences, and so in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about why things can go wrong on both sides. I take it beyond dating to also look at why we sometimes feel confused or annoyed after someone we recommended in a, for example, work capacity, doesn’t live up to our recommendation.
Assume that someone recommended as a potential romantic partner is pre-approved or vouched for.
Conflate being, for example, a dedicated worker or coming across in a certain way with who and how they are in a relationship.
Believe that we know somebody even though we have little or no experience of them.
Act as if we know someone better than we do and don’t realise that we pass on trust to the people we’re recommending them to.
Use someone else’s viewpoint and disregard our intuition/knowledge in the process.
Feel indebted to the matchmaker and think that the way to pay them back is by agreeing to go on a date.
Agree to be set up because we worry about what they will say about us to the mutual friend.
Take it too seriously and we get carried away.
Don’t consider the implications.
Exaggerate and use conjecture to make a heavy sales pitch that can lead to unnecessary awkwardness.
Self-care is knowing the difference between what you want and what someone else wants.
Some of the things we need to consider when matchmaking:
Why do you think that they’d be a good match?
Why do you want to set this person up? If it’s boredom, meddling, pity, diversion or anything else that isn’t positive and in both parties best interests, you shouldn’t proceed.
Think of the person you love and adore the most: would you set them up with this person? If not, why not?
What assumptions are you making?
Be honest about deal-breakers. Don’t set people up in traps!
Don’t presume that someone being single means that they’re unhappy.
Factors to consider when being set up on a date:
Do you want to or do you feel obliged?
What assumptions are you going into this with?
What does dating this person’s, for example, friend, mean to you? e.g. raised status
Why do they think that you’re a good match? Ask!
Don’t let people use their insecurities, bad boundaries, misplaced pity or low standards to pimp you out.
Assuming that recommending someone will cause them to alter their behaviour is a source of tension, friction and disappointment.
We don’t have to say yes just because they’ve recommended us.
Whether it’s dating, work or anything else, if we want recommendations to improve, give people a steer. They’re not mind-readers.
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This episode is SO on point. Everything you said about matchmatching rings true, both for the mathmaker and the matchmakee. I also feel compelled to add that this might be a good time to re-read (or watch) Jane Austen’s classic about a misguided matchmaker (Emma), who almost destroys other people’s lives bc of her deep-seated need to play matchmaker!
Listening to the episode, I started thinking about an event in my life that I haven’t thought about in a long time – I guess I blocked it out. It happened years ago when I ignored my intuition and got together with a completely manipulative, narcissistic guy, not because we were set up per se, but because he was a good friend of my friend and colleague. She had known him for over a decade, and I met him at a dinner at her house. He was attractive and hilarious, and immediately started laying on the charm. The fact that I saw through him and rejected him seemed to make him even more determined to win me over. Although my gut told me he lacked the emotional depth I was looking for and wasn’t trustworthy, my friend’s connection with him made me question myself and eventually encouraged me to give him a chance. (He was extremely tireless in his pursuit of me, which was carried out over a long period of time and during a particularly lonely, vulnerable period of my life.)
Before we started dating, I even asked the friend about him and what she thought about me spending time with him, and she said she thought it was great and told me how brilliant he was, how he spoke five languages, how much fun he was, etc., etc.
Fast forward to a year later when I was making plans to move in with him. It was only THEN when she realized how serious it was that this friend asked me to meet her at a café, where she spent over two hours telling me the most horrific stories about my boyfriend! Every way he had ever wronged her was permanently etched into her brain, and she narrated story after story.. after story. She said that she had dated him when they first met in undergrad and that he was a manipulator who had no empathy and had ultimately cheated on her and then told her that he would like her to move out so that he could rent the house her dad owned (where they lived) and live there with his new girlfriend! She also told me that she HATED him and only pretended to be his friend. She described her rage when he used to come to her house expecting her to comfort him after the girl he cheated with had predictably cheated on him (which she did).
Needless to say, I was shocked and questioned her motives in telling me so late in the game when I was in so deep. Long story short, I moved in with him despite many misgivings and often found myself in the middle of their complicated, weird, unresolved relationship. By the time the guy was cheating on me and ultimately broke up with me, I had learned that everything she told me about his character and behavior was true – AND THEN SOME. I had also sustained some serious emotional damage and a major hit to my self-esteem. It took me a while to get over that. To this day I’ve never met anyone so manipulative, charming, and lacking in empathy.
Of course, he would not stop contacting me even after he got into a new relationship even though I asked him to leave me alone. When I got into a new relationship (with the person who turned out to be the love of my life – another story entirely and a much happier one!), he sent me an email melodramatically describing how he felt thinking of me “in another man’s arms” – all while he was dating someone else and probably cheating on her too. He was the kind of person who wanted everyone to want him and be thinking of him. I finally had to block him from email and Facebook and went no-contact. That did the trick.
The point of this story is that even when someone SEEMS to support your relationship, or push you toward someone, or has a friendship with that person – that should NEVER override your own gut. I have always trusted my perceptions of people, but that time I made a big mistake in part because of my friend’s approval and long-term friendship with the guy.
The weird thing is that after all this time, I couldn’t care less about the guy, but when I think of the friend introducing me to him and not warning me until it was too late, it still irritates me. Trust yourself first and foremost – it’s hard to know what’s really going on inside people’s minds!
NATALIE
on 01/10/2019 at 9:50 am
Wow, just wow.
This sums up everything: “The point of this story is that even when someone SEEMS to support your relationship, or push you toward someone, or has a friendship with that person – that should NEVER override your own gut.”
I’m sure you already recognise this, but that was pretty jacked-up of your friend to recommend him. My guess is that she was still caught up in the game-playing dynamic (she hated him but pretended to be his friend), but also that she may have feared that he’d pull something on her if he suspected that she had been less than praising of him. Relieved that he’s been out of your life for a long time and that you have moved on to a much happier you and relationship. Thank you so much for sharing!
K.S.
on 06/11/2019 at 6:19 am
Thank you for your comment! I agree with what you said about my “friend.” I don’t have any contact with her anymore. When I look back on it, I don’t think she ever cared much about my happiness. I guess we should all be careful when we choose our friends too!
Sue
on 13/11/2019 at 7:23 pm
What reasons are there for ANYone (much less a mad ex gf) to be “caught up in the game-playing dynamic”?
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This episode is SO on point. Everything you said about matchmatching rings true, both for the mathmaker and the matchmakee. I also feel compelled to add that this might be a good time to re-read (or watch) Jane Austen’s classic about a misguided matchmaker (Emma), who almost destroys other people’s lives bc of her deep-seated need to play matchmaker!
Listening to the episode, I started thinking about an event in my life that I haven’t thought about in a long time – I guess I blocked it out. It happened years ago when I ignored my intuition and got together with a completely manipulative, narcissistic guy, not because we were set up per se, but because he was a good friend of my friend and colleague. She had known him for over a decade, and I met him at a dinner at her house. He was attractive and hilarious, and immediately started laying on the charm. The fact that I saw through him and rejected him seemed to make him even more determined to win me over. Although my gut told me he lacked the emotional depth I was looking for and wasn’t trustworthy, my friend’s connection with him made me question myself and eventually encouraged me to give him a chance. (He was extremely tireless in his pursuit of me, which was carried out over a long period of time and during a particularly lonely, vulnerable period of my life.)
Before we started dating, I even asked the friend about him and what she thought about me spending time with him, and she said she thought it was great and told me how brilliant he was, how he spoke five languages, how much fun he was, etc., etc.
Fast forward to a year later when I was making plans to move in with him. It was only THEN when she realized how serious it was that this friend asked me to meet her at a café, where she spent over two hours telling me the most horrific stories about my boyfriend! Every way he had ever wronged her was permanently etched into her brain, and she narrated story after story.. after story. She said that she had dated him when they first met in undergrad and that he was a manipulator who had no empathy and had ultimately cheated on her and then told her that he would like her to move out so that he could rent the house her dad owned (where they lived) and live there with his new girlfriend! She also told me that she HATED him and only pretended to be his friend. She described her rage when he used to come to her house expecting her to comfort him after the girl he cheated with had predictably cheated on him (which she did).
Needless to say, I was shocked and questioned her motives in telling me so late in the game when I was in so deep. Long story short, I moved in with him despite many misgivings and often found myself in the middle of their complicated, weird, unresolved relationship. By the time the guy was cheating on me and ultimately broke up with me, I had learned that everything she told me about his character and behavior was true – AND THEN SOME. I had also sustained some serious emotional damage and a major hit to my self-esteem. It took me a while to get over that. To this day I’ve never met anyone so manipulative, charming, and lacking in empathy.
Of course, he would not stop contacting me even after he got into a new relationship even though I asked him to leave me alone. When I got into a new relationship (with the person who turned out to be the love of my life – another story entirely and a much happier one!), he sent me an email melodramatically describing how he felt thinking of me “in another man’s arms” – all while he was dating someone else and probably cheating on her too. He was the kind of person who wanted everyone to want him and be thinking of him. I finally had to block him from email and Facebook and went no-contact. That did the trick.
The point of this story is that even when someone SEEMS to support your relationship, or push you toward someone, or has a friendship with that person – that should NEVER override your own gut. I have always trusted my perceptions of people, but that time I made a big mistake in part because of my friend’s approval and long-term friendship with the guy.
The weird thing is that after all this time, I couldn’t care less about the guy, but when I think of the friend introducing me to him and not warning me until it was too late, it still irritates me. Trust yourself first and foremost – it’s hard to know what’s really going on inside people’s minds!
Wow, just wow.
This sums up everything: “The point of this story is that even when someone SEEMS to support your relationship, or push you toward someone, or has a friendship with that person – that should NEVER override your own gut.”
I’m sure you already recognise this, but that was pretty jacked-up of your friend to recommend him. My guess is that she was still caught up in the game-playing dynamic (she hated him but pretended to be his friend), but also that she may have feared that he’d pull something on her if he suspected that she had been less than praising of him. Relieved that he’s been out of your life for a long time and that you have moved on to a much happier you and relationship. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you for your comment! I agree with what you said about my “friend.” I don’t have any contact with her anymore. When I look back on it, I don’t think she ever cared much about my happiness. I guess we should all be careful when we choose our friends too!
What reasons are there for ANYone (much less a mad ex gf) to be “caught up in the game-playing dynamic”?