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Such a great podcast with perfect timing. I recently fell for someone who exhibited controlling behaviors from the beginning, but I ignored my instincts because I was enamored with his charm. After a lot of work through my Yoga Teacher Training, and an incident with my grandfather… he is a classic chopper and can never be happy for anyone… I’ve had some major epiphanies about why I’ve probably normalized such abusive behaviors! In fact, I’ve found so much sadness and compassion and love for ME! Finally! Thank you so much for this podcast and all of your blog posts… they have been pivotal in my recovery. Namaste.
I was thinking as I started listening to the podcast that what if we are too vigilant for red and especially amber flags? I surely am (this was my thought at the start of the podcast, not really coming from the podcast just my own thinking). Breathing is an amber flag to me sometimes because I’m not very trustful having been burnt in the past and a bit over sensitive now to negging and other such behaviors. Ain’t nobody got time for that etc. yet as a friend said to me about her own dating story ‘it’s not like I’m such a perfect catch’.
So I think it’s also good to see amber flags as something that don’t have to be acted on at the first whiff and that you should build confidence in handling. Meaning that any single interaction which seems a bit amber or suspicious may not mean anything but two or three is a pattern. Just ask questions and allow yourself time to figure it out and think it out. For people like me – a bit too quick to dismiss – it might be useful also to have confidence in your own ability to pull the plug at any time. As in, it’s ok to give at least a second chance being confident that you can get closer to someone and still pull the plug. In other words there are no sunk costs. You’re allowed to figure people out over time.
Don’t take things further with any man that sets off alarm bells of any kind at any time. Wait for someone who feels calm, easy, safe, nurturing and non-triggering based on your own internal compass — that has been adjusted to account for whatever foul things went on in your childhood and you’re not gravitating toward dysfunction as normal. Don’t ask questions, don’t give time to figure it out — thereby giving HIM time to adapt. Don’t figure out people’s deal-breaking flaws over time — they won’t change. The only use in that is questioning why you gravitate toward/tolerate such behavior.
The vast majority of men will only do what is necessary for them to have sex — no effort will be made toward a committed relationship and intimacy, for the most part, initiated by them — but they will go along to get sex if/when the woman shows she is vulnerable. They use vulnerability of yours to get laid, meanwhile not showing and, in fact, fearing their OWN vulnerability.
Your vulnerability includes testing the willingness to change yourself for them — to toy with you (sadistic, red alert) and prep you for what they like sexually (amber alert at minimum). When they start saying weird stuff and asking for weird stuff — “weird” meaning stuff that asks you to be something else it means the following:
1) They are letting you know in so many ways, that they are EU/incapable of intimacy, e.g. I don’t want the real you, could you be someone else (for my fantasies, insecurities, etc.)
2) Yes, it’s control, a gateway to abuse
3) Both of the above plus you’re about to be used for sex and discarded later once you’ve complied with their wishes – – game over, fantasy fulfilled, control needs met, time to move on OR be sucked into an abusive situation which will suck the life you once had out of you
There’s not a such thing as a “catch” — that’s built on fantasy. I’ve given all sorts of men at least a chance — grocery store workers, guys “starting a business” (e.g. functionally unemployed) — IF I thought they had a character, kindness, etc. worth delving into and I felt that they wanted to look into those aspects of me. I bolt immediately if they screw up an initial, genuine connection in some way — revealing a sexual agenda, doing or saying weird stuff that shows they don’t want a relationship, etc. etc. To be balanced — I’ve been with guys “good on paper” that revealed they had nothing else to offer than “catchy” things like money, status, etc.
I have found over time that there are VERY few people/men that are a match on an emotional level. For me, an amber alert is if they cannot discuss their feelings/have difficulty, a red alert is if they outright refuse/avoid/hide from feelings. I’m not talking about how they feel about ME per se, at least not in the beginning. But if they go on and on about topics or situations or pop culture or whatever, and not one sentence in there starts with “I feel. . .” — that’s a cause for concern. Such as, you’re talking about something upsetting on the news or whatever, and they’re focusing on facts and not “I feel so sad that (all those people got hurt, are starving in Africa, whatever.)
The things people and Natalie have mentioned as far as negging or suggesting changes are an absolute no-go. No need to ask questions, because the answer is always “Because we are not a match.”
There’s a super-huge difference between discussing improvement plans for yourself in the course of an intimate relationship/partnership and gaining support for that change, vs. someone, as Natalie outlines, you’ve known for a wet week saying things to you about yourself that need changing.
I personally avoid men in particular and people in general who have “types” — that usually means what gets them off sexually and that they don’t have an interest in getting to know all different people for who they are as people and relate on that level. People who have “types” need role play, not real, intimate, messy relationships.
Alright — reached the ’nuff said point. Thanks.
You are Quite Correct …
Real comments from a guy I dated for TWO months:
“Aww, I really like your little paunch!”
“You need to go to the gym. I can see the veins in your legs and I’m just concerned about your health!”
“You would look even better if you put on some red lipstick with that dress.”
“When I told my ex about changes she should make to her hair, she thanked me for it. I think you will thank me, too.”
“Look at how you parked.” (mere degrees away from perfect within a parking spot). “I’m only telling you this because someone could come buy with their keys and scratch your car.”
It was 2 months too long. What an arsehole.
Just heard by a sleazy character on a TV thriller:
“You’re not my girlfriend, Frieda, just someone I sleep with when it suits us both.”
His tone was annoyed, as if she should know. She didn’t. She had just finished sleeping with him.
Don’t be a Frieda.