Angela asks “About a year ago, I went with my emotionally unavailable, narcissist ex, whom I was so deeply in love with, to see my “best friend” of about 6 years. She was graduating with her degree and exhibiting her work, so I went to see her, asking him to come along for the trip. After the show, we went to her bar where she worked, and on the car ride there, he began asking her for directions. Being already drunk, my friend began acting and saying obnoxious things, to which he began yelling, calling her names, and to which she yelled back. It became obvious there was some sexual, flirtatious tension in it all, which I definitely noticed.
When we arrived at her bar, she began dancing on the bar, drinking more, etc. He would not come inside, sending his friend to tell me he was sorry, etc.
After a few hours of this, he did come inside, and, to my horror, I witnessed my friend dancing/laying on the bar in front of him, while he sat, apart from everyone at the bar. I didn’t say or do anything, her friends separated them, and I didn’t say much the rest of the night, much less the next day, or the trip home. I asked them both if they were attracted to each other, and they both said no. But I am having a very hard time letting this go and forgiving, much less forgetting. I am currently not speaking to my ex, and I haven’t spoken to my friend in over a year as well. I have deep fears that they are in fact, together, that I should have said or done something, or that I could have stopped this by acting differently. I am trying to let this go, and I don’t know how to treat my friend. I am very confused and still very hurt by this.
Can you help with some advice? “
There are 2 core things that you need to drill into your head from this moment onwards:
1) When it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it is a duck. Don’t be afraid to accept your gut reaction or what you process with your judgement skills. Stop doubting yourself.
2) Stop assuming the blame for what is quite despicable behaviour on both of their parts. You can’t stop the irrational, the uncontrollable, the bad behaviour of a narcissist, or the attention seeking behaviour of a predator friend.
Whilst I appreciate that it would not be nice to discover that they are together, what can you do? With two personalities like theirs, they kinda deserve each other.
Let’s remember some key things here that you should use as a reminder of how lucky you are to have made an escape:
1) This guy is emotionally unavailable AND a narcissist – sweet Jesus you don’t know how lucky you are to be shot of him! No matter what you do or say, if he is a narcissist and ignorant to his poor behaviour, there isn’t a damn thing you can do to change him or the highly likely outcome of the demise of your relationship. These narcissists are a hop, skip, and a jump from crackerjack central and the best thing you can do is run for cover. Switchy at the best of times – attentive and adoring one moment, aggressive, arrogant, and out of control the next.
2) Didn’t you just want to get the hell out of there when these two dipsticks started arguing like two 7 year olds in the playground? This was aggressive, sexual tension! A total and utter disrespect on the parts of BOTH people!
3) Who the frick dances on bars and does a ‘private performance’ for their friends boyfriend? She sounds out of control! She certainly doesn’t sound like someone who you need as a friend because with friends like that to take you down, how on earth can you rely on her or trust others?
Aside from these factors, the main issues that concern me here is that you don’t feel prepared to trust you, your gut, your intuition, and basically your judgement. Why ask them if they’re attracted to each other? They both said ‘no’ when it was quite obvious that something strange was going on between the two of them and at the end of the day, you couldn’t let it go and you’re not speaking to them. Why? – Because at the end of the day, no matter what comes out of their mouthes, you know what you saw, you certainly shouldn’t forget it, and if anything, it should serve as very strong evidence that neither party should be in your life.
If they are together, there is nothing you can do and it is further evidence that you are well shot of the pair of them. The reason why this bothers you is because aside from their actions being incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, you’re still at a point where you are blaming yourself and thinking that you could have intervened and changed the outcome. It’s a bit like, two against one, so it must be you that’s at fault. You haven’t accepted what happened because you don’t want to. But you’d better because it’s happened, it’s not going to change, and it is, what it is.
The only person that you can control is you. I suspect that when dealing with a narcissist and a disrespectful friend that regardless of what you do or say, they’re gonna do what suits them anyway. Don’t think for one second that your feelings are of any importance to either one of them, especially with him, who by his very nature believes that he is the centre of the universe….
You didn’t create their behaviour – you enabled it and that’s different. You should be asking yourself why you want to be with a narcissist. You should be asking yourself why you want this friend back. You should be more concerned with why you want to allow people to mistreat and disrespect AND take the blame for it too!
You have to let go of trying to find some comfortable place with the situation so that you can either get with him or your friend. The person you need to forgive…is YOU.
The best thing you could do is stop refusing to accept the situation and their poor behaviour and characters, feel your hurt, feel your anger, forgive you and recognise that you didn’t create their behaviour. Deal with your own issues about why you want this guy and put some closure on the situation. We choose men that reflect negative things we believe about ourselves and if you want to be with a narcissist and were deeply in love with him in spite of his behaviour, that in itself shows that you have self-esteem issues and poor love habits to resolve because being with a narcissist is an abusive relationship. Oh it might feel like the most amazing time on earth when they’re having a great day, but there is more bad and low days with people like this.
If you haven’t got over it after a year, it’s because it’s unresolved, but the fact that it has a dragged on for a year is too much.
You have to let go of him, her, your unresolved feelings, face things, and move on. Unfortunately…they are already getting on with their selfish lies whilst you’re still stuck at 365 days ago. Let go and don’t ever blame yourself for other people’s disrespect and instead focus on ensuring that you don’t place yourself in the firing line of disrespect by being around people that diminish you.