Following on from part one yesterday here is the second part of the excerpt:
Loving, trusting, and choosing blindly are all things that I address in How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days, particularly on the issue of not realising that we’re often choosing men who are lacking in substance and then wondering why the relationship and the behaviours that they display are insubstantial.
The jig is up. If you’ve experienced pain as a result of being involved with an assclown, it might be occurring to you that you’re caught up in your own bad fairy tale. The excitement, fireworks, and the happy, sappy ending, have created massive illusions which when they get pierced, cause us to come crashing down because we realise we have little or nothing.
There is the weight of too high expectations or unrealistic ones about the type of man we’re holding out for and many women don’t realise that the excitement, fireworks, and passion they pursue, are often tied up in negative patterns of relationship behaviour. In fact, I can assure you that if you’ve been in your share of dubious relationships and use excitement, passion, and chemistry as your benchmark for choosing who to become involved with, it’s likely that you don’t recognise the familiar feeling of fear and the lure of it that draws you into your relationship pattern.
You may also have a lack of awareness about your own contribution to your relationships because you’re too busy focusing on their actions.
You’ll soon realise that if anything feels familiar when you start dating someone and you’ve got assclowns dotted in your past, it’s probably an early warning sign to take off the rose coloured glasses and the fur coat of denial, and check for warning signs in the form of red flags. In fact, you also need to acknowledge that you may have a relationship pattern that’s standing in the way of you actually forging a relationship with prospects.
But we could ask, ‘If we want a ‘prince’, why not chase a prince?’
Well that would be too easy wouldn’t it! For a start, there is no ‘prince’ and the type of world we live in, particularly with online dating and the idea that there is a never ending supply of people to date, means that we have to weed through a lot of chaff to get to a decent guy. Even worse, many of us actually believe that there are no ‘good men’ to date, that most men put in sniffing distance of a cheating opportunity will drop their pants, and that it’s more important to find a man, any man and work on loving him and building him from the ground up than it is to be focused on quality. And let’s not forget that for some of us, we’re so used to dealing with assclowns that we’re damn near suspicious or completely disinterested when a genuinely good man is interested in us.
I wouldn’t even start to pretend that it’s easy to date and that it’s easy to meet decent guys, however, you will quickly realise that irrespective of the type of guy that you are meeting out there, you are likely to have some relationship habits that mean you are far more likely to gravitate to assclowns than you are to be interested in someone who actually offers genuine prospects for a relationship.
The reality is that when you’ve been chasing assclowns instead of chasing a ‘prince’, it’s because you either believe that you can’t do better, or believe that it will be easier because the assclown will be grateful that a lovely, decent woman like you will be interested.
Other people’s dodgy behaviour is very distracting especially from our own issues that place us with them in the first place, and when faced with feeling that we love someone who behaves like a value lacking, unappreciative dipstick, we cannot fathom their behaviour and are often convinced that people who don’t behave very well are looking for, or are in need of someone to show them the error of their ways.
We mistakenly think we are the solutions to many a problematic mans problems. We think we can fix, heal, and help them and love them into being different. We believe that all that’s been missing has been someone to love and believe in them and swoop into their lives and magic away their problems and assclown ways. It’s a major challenge – it’s a message to your self esteem that if a man loves you, no matter how much of a jackass he is, he will change. In fact, we believe that if a man will change for us, that it finally creates that validation we’ve been seeking that we’re worthy and loveable.
Therein lies the problem though, because in viewing yourself as a ‘solution’ to their problems, you’re acknowledging that there’s a problem, but not assessing the risk and scale of the problem. Of course, the confusion and horror sets in, when it becomes apparent that they don’t value you, which in turn causes you to wonder what on earth is wrong with you and kick into high gear trying to win them over because it beggars belief that someone who behaves in this way couldn’t want you. Doesn’t he realise how lucky he is? Doesn’t he appreciate how accommodating you’ve been? Doesn’t he realise that he’s not really that great? No. And so, a little tale of assclownville begins…
Your thoughts?
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Hi NML,
This is the part that worries me even after all my self discovery and how much ive learnt:
In fact, I can assure you that if you’ve been in your share of dubious relationships and use excitement, passion, and chemistry as your benchmark for choosing who to become involved with, it’s likely that you don’t recognise the familiar feeling of fear and the lure of it that draws you into your relationship pattern.
That feeling of fear you talk about I have felt but I pushed myself because im constantly told that I don’t let many people in, or not open and trusting enough. The fact is im quite shy and im not a social queen. I actually no that im shy but Im not sure I believe I don’t trust or let people in, I just don’t let a lot of people in because most people annoy me or are so draining! I try to look for the right ones I guess, that will compliment my life. So I guess I feel a bit worried how do I know that its fear because im either shy and nervous, the guy is all wrong for me or now even because ive been hurt so many times, will this cause fear.
Its worries me a tad 🙁 Does anyone have that concern or advice?
i really do not know what to say. i have been reading this web site for over a year and i agree with so much that is said. i sit in front of my computer and laugh because so much of it is what i do. i know the men i chose are a lot of work. i feel awful after my relationships and wonder if it was me. it has to be i get treated the same all the time. i just want someone to care and give me the love and kindness that i give them. i think life is a lonely journey. i am at an age now where i want to give up and just spend the rest of my years alone and in my own pain then trying to find someone to share feelings and love together. but i will continue to read books and the internet and try to find what i am looking for . love is hard to find
jackie
@Jackie & @NML-
I did the same thing, laugh to myself and shook my head when I read this. I too, have always felt bad after all my relationships, especially my most recent one. I’ve questioned myself on what I did to make the relationship go bad, what I could’ve done to not make it fall apart, etc. Sometimes I also wonder if it’s just better to be alone than to have to go through the fear and the pain of meeting someone who may just turn out to be another AC. I wish there was an AC-dar invented so we could spot them a mile away….
Jackie,
Please don’t give up! Perhaps taking a break from looking for a while might do you some good. I know that’s easier said than done, but you sound so sad and sometimes we just need a break to gain some perspective. 🙂
Women are the answer to so many issues in the world. ie when we allow ourselves to be beautiful, nurturing, feminine, peacemakers … I am in the middle of a course learning about this one – so looking forward to really know how to fight like a woman! We all know that what we have been doing – becoming more masculine at work, at home, in relationships… and generally more androgynous, just isn’t working. Any others out there sick of being the man of the house?
‘Fear’ of being alone or choosing the wrong one is just an ’emotion’.
Choose to feel it. Where does it live in your body? eg your throat, stomach.. what does it look like? shiny and flat or round and soft… If you could talk to it – what would you say? What would it say back?
Fears can not handle being explored. Go with it – yell ‘bring it on’ and study it….. that will release it!
Try it – what have you got to lose?
Wishing you love!
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Cost of Dating: Part 3 Emotional Cost To Valuable Lesson =-.
Hey Natalie!!
First of all I would like to say that I think that you are very talented writer. Your articles are ALWAYS engaging and informative. Now, to add to your perspective, I think that anytime we engage in interpersonal relationships in hopes of changing our partners, we are already fighting a loosing battle. Further, I think that the problem lies more in what we are attracting, rather than whom we are chasing. The manner in which we carry ourselves, our level of self-esteem, and the principles that we live by are imperative in determining whom we attract. If we are principle centered, we can more easily weed out the “AssClowns” who are contrary to our unchanging principles.
As always, NML, I feel as if you’re my personal therapist, pointing out all the flaws that I had missed (would not acknowledge) in my own fairytale from hell. And they all start beautifully don’t they?
When I first met my EUM AC, he was just like the prince charming I always hoped for (too good to be true really): polite, considerate, great with kids, attentive, gorgeous, cultured, smart and imminently available. We were new to this, having both experienced long-term relationships in the past. I felt lucky that I’d known him as a friend first and relieved that I found “my soul mate” without having to resort to bars or internet.
When it was on initially, it was all hot, passionate and amazing. We had so much in common and he always encouraged me as I encouraged him in our endeavours. His words of admiration (and there were many) melted away any reservations I might have had. This lasted months and even years. I felt we were growing as a couple and he even spoke of his painful family history and fears (I saw this as a good thing that he was opening up to me… privileged even). The relationship changed when I felt there would be a natural progression to the next level: a deeper commitment and honest discussions of the future (we were both of mature age after all). Neither of us ever wanted to get married again, but I at least wanted some firm commitment to each other and to announce to everyone we were a couple. Something suddenly shifted in him. He became “confused” with love, had “issues” with his past and needed “time” (!!!?). He slowly withdrew attention, communication and started playing mind games. And so fairytale became a psycho-story-of-madness: with red flags waving left, right and centre. The once “fulfilling” (I now realise this was just my grasping at what specks of fantasy remained) relationship was reduced to ego stroking and booty calls.
This AC-ex of mine is now like a stranger to me and after 10 years I’ve FINALLY ditched him with NC (7 weeks!!!). Why do these guys change so completely? Why don’t they remain like the people we first meet? Do they get complacent? Do they get a taste of the game they can play and so become EUM addicts? This guy was so humble and respectful initially, that even with the knowledge I have now, I would never have picked his EUM/AC potential. Ours became a long-distance thing, so it’s not like I was ever needy. He got himself a bachelor pad a couple of years ago, so I can only assume that he’s been keeping his options open, scoring with many other princesses (victims) while keeping me on hold. I liken my AC/EUM ex to the classic character of Dr Jeckyll & Mr Hyde. That’s him to a tee.
There’s only one thing I disagree with: the comparison of these guys to frogs, frogs are too nice… these guys are more like toads: warts, poison glands and all.
Loved “turning a Cockroach into a Frog into a Prince 1 & 2”. Actually I think its the other way around, Prince-Frog-Cockroach. At least in my experience that’s what they were then turned into.
@trinity….I know how you feel. I don’t let many people in either and I have wondered about that too. I’m not shy just cautious. I think we take something from each relationship no matter the relationship and its those life experiences that makes us who we are. We don’t live in bubbles, people do affect us. And its hard to read someone at first, most are on their best behavior but its the chance we take in any relationship. I’m always willing to give someone a chance but I’ve come far enough on my journey not to stick around once their true self comes out and its inconsistant to what they portrayed in the beginning. Stay true to yourself.
Haha – MaryC I laughed at that! Prince-Frog-Cockroach. Sooo true! This exactly that pattern that my AC exhibited. The Cockroach phase, or the true self as it really is is, is the worst of all. When every hope, fantasy, dream is shattered and you realise what it is you have. A vile man who holds contempt for you and others. These fairytales never have a happy ending.
I am sitting here crying because I let an assclown have a second chance. Thank goodness we only dated three times last year, and two times this time. I knew going in the second time that his ambivalence towards me would most likely kick in.
But wow – he came on stronger, was paying attention, etc. And he was way more physically affectionate (arm around me etc.). But even before the second date ended, he switched off.
But you know what I see? I look in the mirror and feel sick because I let it happen.
I am an idiot. And all I can see if what I did and what I may have done to create something that was his own darn fault.
“And let’s not forget that for some of us, we’re so used to dealing with assclowns that we’re damn near suspicious”…
NML because of this site and links from here and 4and a half years off sex (!) im 39, divorced 6 years, and 1 year off dating. (just been dating/ healing focusing on my life purpose et al) I now find myself in a new and so far very healthy (seeming ) situation, howev, when he took two days instead of his usual every one to text/call after returning from a trip (and after our first sexual encounter btw and then texted he “forgot” to call but then subsequently called as expected and followed up w/plans I felt the old feelings of insecurity come back and luckily realized they were self generated (since i have no direct evidence hes an assclown, i picked him cuz he seems anything but after all this time and knowing what values to look for , interestingly enough his looks were def not the first thing that attracted me even tho i think hes sexy:) M
aybe you could do a helpful post on making that transition from assclown to healthy relationships since youve obvs been there.. and it def> a process for sure i just dont want my fear to get in the way anymore and some guidelines for staying balanced with awareness between being cautions and optimistic when something appears healthy.. Anyway you have been the light in my love life with every post I feel I owe most of this growth to this site!!!! THANK YOU!!!!
Hi girls, – seriously?? Frogs? Toads?
I’d like to say they are more like the worms that live in a dogs asshole.
I just spat hot tea everywhere because i couldnt control my laughter 🙂
@ BrandNew
Girl you are so right. You can’t refer to these ass clowns as FROGS. Cause frogs are much nicer. 7 wks NC myself today and I am feeling fabulous. By the 29th of May I will have hit 2 months home run of NC and I have to say that it was the best decision that I could have ever made for myself and meaning business! I know my ass clown narciissts is waiting for the chance to see how far I’m going to go with this since we have had so many repeated short cycles of breakups but there is absolutely no looking back or leaving any doors cracked to allow him back into my life. I thought about blocking his number and I thought to myself for what? When he does come around to calling and he will; I won’t to have that chance to let him know that I have moved on and am no longer an OPTION for him.
I know EXACTLY what you mean JJ.
Any money my AC/Narcissist is just biding his time probably thinkin ‘Any day now, any day…she’s gonna cave, just like she’s always done’. Yes, too many times I did cave. But that was before I found this site. Now I regularly tune in for positive reinforcement of my decision to dump the loser. I’m well and truly over all the crap that he’s been dishing out over the years. Seriously, when I think of the excuses he used to come up with when I confronted him about his questionable behavior. I knew it deep down that he was stringing me along, but was afraid to just let go. Now I’m free and sane again!
Pushing Thru
Yea worms that live in a dog’s ass hole is right. They are worms that eat away at your life if you allow them to. Great way to sum these ass clowns up. Great way!!
Yea, these guys suck! I finally cut my EUM/Assclown off 3 months ago, exactly four months next week (I remember the day I went NC) after over 4 freaking years. A couple years as friends, the rest were ‘serious’; what a joke. There has been no texting as I don’t text anyway, no email, no IM and no answering his calls. He tried to call me a few times in the beginning, but finally the calling stopped to my knowledge thank goodness.
The only thing is I know the address to an online profile of his, which I can’t stop checking every now and then. He didn’t know that I knew he had this profile, which is how I found out a lot of things he doesn’t know that I knew then. I see messages from other women and stuff and I can’t help but speculate sometimes. Ugggh! It disgusts me that I even care, but I find it hard not to check the dag on thing every now and then. I know how to block the URL if I need too, but unfortunately I also know how to get around it, which I have done before. Ignorance is truly bliss.
I’m obviously still holding on and checking to see if he has moved on yet, but I want to shake this so bad. I know it’s just fear b/c I certainly do not want to get back with him because I don’t think he’ll ever change, something he told me numerous times. I’ve been reading here well before I went NC on him, probably about a year and I always told myself he would have to be the one to cut it off b/c I just couldn’t ‘hurt him’ like that so the fact that I ignored his calls and other modes of communication is huge b/c I never thought I would be here. It’s just this last online profile thing I can’t shake and it makes me feel like an NC fraud!