Over the past few days I have noticed a lot of discussion in the comments about money, namely some assclown/Mr Unavailable having borrowed money from you and now that the relationship is over and you want him out of your life, you want his money and you want it back now.
I will cut straight to the chase though and be blunt:
If you do not have a committed relationship with a healthy foundation, you don’t lend a man money. In fact, if you have a penchant for loving inappropriate men and fannying away your time and energy on poor relationships, romance and finance should not enter the equation. Ever.
Of course as an ex assclown and Mr Unavailable lover I have my own experience of money foolishness and more than eight years on, I am still over $2k dollars out of pocket. Did I want the money back? Of course I frickin’ did and Lord knows I tried to get it back initially but eventually a harsh reality kicked in that said that I wasn’t going to see that money again and that pursuing it was futile. It’s not like I didn’t need the money but there came a point when I had to get real and let go because the frustration consumed me and it didn’t change the fact that not only wasn’t I getting it back, but that I had been reckless and irresponsible with my money and had known it was a bad idea at the time. He is and was an assclown but I was a fool with money and that was the last time that I placed myself in that situation.
My biggest problem with women lending men money is, whilst I agree that often these men are chumps, no matter how wonderfully you perceive the fact that you lent him money, you invariably had ulterior motives or at the least great expectations of what you lending him this money meant; motives and expectations that are rarely communicated to the man in question.
Here are the most common scenarios:
You lend him in money because you believe, assume, and expect that you lending him that money and him accepting means that you will now be in a committed, serious relationship with each other.
If you are not in a committed and serious relationship that you BOTH recognise that you are in and are not afraid to state this, why the hell are you lending him money?
You offer to lend him money even though you don’t actually have a relationship with him or if there is anything, it’s fragile. You think you’re being helpful and that he should snap off your arm for it, but the expectation is that if you give him the money and he accepts it, a relationship will now exist, or if it’s fragile it will go to stable.
This is where I shout ‘Have you lost your damn mind? How desperate are you prepared to be?’ You are BUYING your man and putting the noose of unfounded expectation around his neck…and your own.
You lend him money even though you don’t know where you stand and there is possibly the existence of another woman or women. In competing to slide into pole position and ‘win’ him, the expectation is that if he takes the money, you will now be #1.
Oh HEEEEELLLLLLL NO! You are BUYING your way to the top. What do you intend to do? Keep throwing money at the problem? What will you do when you invariably discover that you’re not the only women he’s either borrowing money from or already owes money to and you’re all like his sexual creditors looking for your chunk of change?
You lend him money because you think it will allow you to have more control over the situation, after all, surely someone who borrows money would realise not only how generous and great girlfriend material you are, but would quit any form of bad behaviour because it would show their ingratitude. As a justification for believing this, you’ll tell yourself if someone did the same for you, you would demonstrate how grateful you were and recognise the love.
Control is an issue that many women do not realise is a problem of theirs, but trust me, it is. We control with doing things and expecting to be rewarded back with exactly the type of relationship we want, from men who are incapable of giving it to us. When we have money, we tag ourselves as generous and shower him with it because we assume that he will be ‘grateful’ and come to heel, instead of him thinking that we’re a complete controlling pushover to be taken advantage of.
There are appropriate and inappropriate things to do in relationships and what you do should be governed not by the type of relationship you think you’re in or would like to be in, but the one you’re actually in.
Your decision to lend any man money must be evidence based and whilst I don’t want you to pretend to be a bank, if you care that much about the money in the after event, you’d better start learning to care about where you spread your finance before you part with the money.
If you were a bank, just like your emotional investing, you’d be described as lender that uses poor criteria for determining whether the loan is appropriate and viable.
No matter how nice, kind, financially savvy and benevolent you believe yourself to be, you are being a fool with your money and that’s not his fault, it’s yours.
You don’t lend money to a man who barely shows up for the relationship.
You don’t lend money to a man who is not actually yours.
You don’t lend money to a man who is unsure about whether he wants to be in a relationship with you.
You don’t lend money to a man where there is ambiguity about what the status of the relationship is because if you don’t know where you stand, you shouldn’t be making the offer of money.
You don’t pretend that you don’t have expectations of what this money means to you because it is foolhardy to pretend that you are not expecting a reciprocal reward. Otherwise, why not go to a poor area and throw your money up in the air and see who catches it? You’d be better off.
You don’t disguise your desire to get things under control by putting your money down on the table.
You don’t lend money to him and then keep your expectations to yourself.
If he was treating you like shit before he lent you money, why should this change after he has taken it?
And don’t dodge the bullet on this and say that people are seeing a negative side to your behaviour. It’s not because I or anyone else is seeing something bad about a wonderful deed – it’s because there has to be a negative side to your behaviour because you didn’t recognise how inappropriate it was to not only emotionally invest into a poor relationship situation, but to then lend or offer money as well.
There has to be a place where you draw the line and your self-respect and some level of relationship smarts kick into place, because this is another example of doing and doing and doing to win over a man who doesn’t deserve it, only there are financial consequences and the result is that at the least you will be left emotionally out of pocket by these men anyway, but in the worst case scenario, you’ll have a financial tie between you both that may not be severed.
When you lend money, the terms must be clear, explicit, and communicated and this is where the silence likely occurred between you both because like many things about being in poor relationships, it’s likely you’ll have been afraid to broach the subject of the terms.
However, if you’re afraid to ask when and how you will get your money back, you shouldn’t be lending it.
What you assume is not what he assumes and if he already lacks integrity in other areas, why is he suddenly going to be a man of integrity with your money? Much like every other area of your relationship, you cannot project what you think and feel on him because you are not one and the same. Just because you believe you would be grateful, or believe you would pay it back in regular instalments, or believe that you would recognise how this person loved you, or believe that you do your damndest to return the money all in one go after the relationship ended, doesn’t mean that he shares the same views or attitudes. If you were on the same page, you wouldn’t be in this predicament.
If money is being discussed, it should be a case of discussing how long the loan is going to be for, how it is going to be paid back, and what will happen in the event that, heaven forbid, the relationship does not work out. Will the instalments still continue as is, or will he be expected to pay up in full?
In fact, it would help to clarify if he is in a position to pay the money back and don’t ever utter the words ‘Take your time’ or ‘Don’t worry about paying me back immediately’. Whatever the terms are, especially if the ‘deal’ will be coming to an end early should the relationship end, this must be communicated up front, not assumed. The worst that will happen is that you don’t actually have to lend him the money although you may discover you serve no further purpose…
If you haven’t done these things and the relationship ends, you need to broach the subject asap in as unemotional and calm a way as possible because anything else will come across petty, manipulative, and bitchy even though you are entitled to be pissed off but you must acknowledge your accountability for this situation and recognise that you didn’t have to be at this juncture as you added complication to an already bad situation.
I get it. You did someone a favour and it backfired and no matter what your motives or expectations were behind it, it is horrible to feel like you’ve been jacked from all angles.
The relationship is over and you want to sever the ties but you may not have a legitimate reason to change the goalposts and he may not have the means to meet your demands, or may just claim that he doesn’t.
Short of going the legal route, which is a bit like closing the door after the horse has bolted, you either need to suck it up and take the payments in as un-intrusive a way as possible, or you may have to accept the bad debt and get out now before you end up any further out of pocket, that’s both mentally and financially.
But what you do learn after this is not that there cannot be money in relationships, but that money is something that should never be a part of relationships that don’t exist, barely exist, or already have a whole host of problems because mo’ money, mo’ problems and you’re trying to plug a gaping hole in your relationship dam that cannot be filled.
Your thoughts?
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NML,
What if the Assclown is claiming to be broke but is making unnecessary purchases (new clothes and items for his car)? Would you consider any legal action in that situation?
Guilty as charged.
I gave a man who I was NOT living with (and had been delusional about thinking we were going to be gf/bf because of his misleading assclown b.s. ) $8k I had to go into debt for – to pay HIS overdue property taxes !!!
Not only did he NOT thank me, he yelled at me that I had no right to control his life – and never even attempted to pay me back a penny.
I’d thought he’d be impressed or touched that I’d done something only family will do. Ha !
All it did was show me up to be desperate and a finanacial fool in the bargain.
I’m wiser now. Harder aand wiser and no longer hooked on hope and illusion and lying to myself about what being treated like crap really looks like.
I don’t necessarily agree with you that giving someone money is always buying them, but I think when you have less than someone else – that’s an easy rationale to bolster your own feeling of inadequate financial position.
Money SHOULD be an exchange of value, plain and simple.
A man doesn’t deserve money just because you love him, unless you are willing to also love having a lot less money 🙂
And as far as expecting to get it back ? fuggedaboutit.
Only banks get paid back – and even then, as we have seen in today’s economic climate – even WITH all the paperwork signed and dotted, lots of people renig and are not liable.
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Pearls of Wisdom
The best advice anyone ever gave me about loaning money to family or friends: Loan it only if you will be okay (emotionally and finanacially) without ever being paid back. Because the reality is: You might very well not be paid back, and you will then be without your money and you will also be without a friend. And, that is what is really hard about money and assclowns when the two are mixed together. An assclown is hardly a friend.
And, the slow rate at which he pays you back, actually keeps him in control, and keeps you hooked. You think that maybe each time he has to think about you, and connect with you to pay you back that he will have the epiphany that will make him realize what a horrible human being he has been to you. It isn’t going to happen. An assclown is an assclown is an assclown.
Forget about the money. It is gone. And, to maintain any contact, no matter how miniscule, just prolongs your healing. And, obsessing over the money just might turn you into an angry and bitter woman. No man deserves that kind of control.
You gave out of love, but in these cases, you won’t get loved back. It isn’t in him.
I have to jump in on this post. My ex-EUM paid for everything at the beginning-mid and bought me pretty expensive gifts. I think that I wanted him to see me as an independent woman and someone who appreciated him, so I started paying for most things. Even when he told me about 6 months in that he was not ready for a relationship because of his child. Although he pursued me for a relationship. Should have ran then. Anyway, I took him home with me during the holidays and we stayed at an hotel (Mom’s home was full) and I paid for that which totaled about $600 and all meals out, another $400. Mind you I just started a new job. But I was Ms. Generous and perhaps I tried to control this by paying for this when he showed me that he was an Assclown. What I noticed around the first months of the New Year was that he stopped paying for anything. At the time, I was downsized and he wouldn’t even lend me $30 for gas when I had an interview. Rather he told me to run all the gas out of my vehicle and he’ll see what he could do. I didn’t do that of course, because he was not dependable and would have left me hanging and I would have missed my interview. I asked my family to help me and money was wired in 3 hours. Other times when we went to the movies and the Assclown took his daughter and invited me, he wouldn’t pay for a $10 ticket. I had to get in his face and remind him that he invited me. My self-esteem was crumbling. The Assclown went to Florida for a funeral, I wanted to ride along and just hang out at the beach rather than go to the funeral, the assclown told me that he didn’t have money for a hotel room for us and that he was staying with another friend. Instead he took his nephew and they stayed at the other friends home. No problem. But here’s the clincher, they also went shopping for a bundle of clothes and went out to eat alot. Gas alone in an 8 cylinder large SUV was alot in itself. Yes, he had the nerve to tell me. No money my booty. So my lesson has been learned. I won’t make that mistake again and particularly with a man who has one foot out of the relationship because he was still hooked on his ex-wife, although he denied, denied, denied. One other thing around money, it seemed that when I was working, he was sniffing around me, but if I were not working for whatever reason, due to a contract ending or a downsize and he was, he started ignoring me and I always got the feeling that he thought that he was better than me or I wasn’t useful anymore.
Sorry this is so long but……..
Loving Annie, I disagree with you, when you are giving a man money – you are buying him! You paid 8K for HIS taxes – WHY??
What was your agenda behind that?? You had 8 K just laying around? Don’t think so…
Gaynor, did that happen to you? If so, are you taking legal actions?
Elizabeth, I agree with your comment.
My Mom always told me – she died at 46 – NEVER feed a man,
yes, my Ex husband and the clown after that took my heart, but not my pocket book.
@Gaynor Well…what you deem unnecessary he may deem necessary so if anything this isn’t about what he claims he doesn’t have but the fact that he isn’t actually broke. Depending on how much money is involved, it’s worthwhile checking where you stand legally but you will need to be able to show proof that you have given the money. Sometimes the threat of legal action is enough for the money to magically materialise. Sometimes even just getting a solicitors (lawyers) letter can often be enough. But if it’s for a small sum of money, I wouldn’t go killing yourself.
@Loving Annie My thoughts on finance and romance for this post are purely about assclowns and Mr Unavailables and so in that context, if there is no foundation for the relationship or you’re not in the relationship, it is buying them.
@Elizabeth Amen and amen again!
@Isabella Well the message he was trying to send you is that I don’t want you being dependent on me for money or looking for any money from me, and I only want to spend money on you under my terms. In essence, he felt you wanted too much. From the moment that he was prepared to let you run out of gas rather than give you $30, you knew which way the land lay so asking him to do anything of a financial nature was futile. He also clearly stated that he was not ready for a relationship which meant you weren’t in one and were expecting too much from him.
NML, yep, yep and Amen. I see it now very clearly but at the time, my rose colored glasses were on my face, along with hope and confusion. Sometimes I cringe at the thought of me spending $1,000 during the holidays also I cringe when I think how generous my family was with him too. How could a person like that even look in the mirror.
Yes indeed and this applies to loaning money to friends and relatives too!
I don’t loan money anymore. If I have it and I feel like it; I will give it as a gift. That way I have no expectations to get something back.
I also think the loaning is along the same lines as women giving up their jobs, businesses, homes, family and friends to move across the country/world for some assclown.
Buying property with a man you aren’t married to. You buy a house and put down 20k or whatever and the relationship turns sour in a year. You are out your entire investment.
Moving in with a man and paying his mortgage. No way.
Never never never jeopardize your well being; emotional, physical or financial for a man.
I didn’t loan my ex EUM any money, but I did treat him to a few vacations. NML you hit the nail on the head…I did it hoping to bring the relationship to a place where I wanted it…and he just pulled further away after taking the vacations…
NML is correct, if they are willing to take advantage of us emotionally and physically…just add monetarily to the list too…hopefully, we’ll all be smarter now. HUGS TO ALL
Brad,
This isn’t in reference to me, I was referring to Karen’s dilemma.
Hi Astelle,
A big NO!!!! I’m with your momma!
Hi Brad,
No he wasn’t honest with me and probably from the start…Ugh….and I wasn’t honest with myself. I knew in my heart and head was was really up when I the foundation starting cracking. Gosh, when I look at the this period of my life, I see more and more examples of me lending him money. Yes, I should have exited when he didn’t want to pay $10 for a movie ticket for me yet went into the movies and got $30 worth of popcorn, candy and pop. His daughter who was 8 year old at the time, made a comment that I found a little weird at the time and at the beginning stages. She said “just because someone is dating doesn’t mean that a man has to pay for everything”. Looks like dad or his mother or his ex-wife were talking about this to an eight year old. ex-eum was a momma’s boy.
I am so glad to be away from this drama.
Thanks NML!
I guess I should of clarified that it was a carry over question from Karen’s situation
Right on NML! Just wish I would have been a lot smarter sooner!!! A lesson VERY well learned for me and never be to done again. My sister is there now with her current boyfriend and I cant tell you how much I stress to her to learn from the experience I have had and to really question her motives for lending $$$ to someone who she has only been dating for 3months!!!! It does take much reflection to bring much light into realizing what our unconscious reasons are for lending a man $$$ are…(im sorry to say she isnt seeing it this way — at least not yet! 😉
Gaynor:
Thanks so much for your concern and constant feedback 🙂
Elizabeth: You said: “You think that maybe each time he has to think about you, and connect with you to pay you back that he will have the epiphany that will make him realize what a horrible human being he has been to you. It isn’t going to happen. ” I dont agree with this Elizabeth (atleast not for me) Im no longer seeking validation nor wondering when he is going to have epiphany moment nor am i sitting here thinking that every time he submitts a payment- he is thinking of me or hoping that he is (thank god im not anymore!!! I know I have made progress being that Im no longer thinking these things) . Im also not “obsessing” about the $$$… I had posted the question because like i mentioned before, he is making timely payments (and like NML says– I will have to suck it up) but my disgust surfaces whenever I see that he has purchased something new all the while claiming he cannot afford to pay me more than he does (continuing with his A**clown behavior). Regardless of the fact, I dont sit and allow it to dwell in my mind nor take precedence in my life. I say this because I want to clarify the fact that yes— if women are out there using the $$$ issue to continue to want to keep ties with a man or in hopes of him coming back etc…etc… than yes— that is the wrong reason. However, I also think that if you are past this point and are able to make it solely about “business” than why excuse a man (especially an A**clown) from this responsibility? And I feel a hell of a lot better waiting for him to pay me back than to excuse him from the $1200 he owes me. (and yes its only $1200) but the point for me is… I allowed him too much poor behavior during the time i was with him…..Never putting myself first nor thinking of what was best for me im alot stronger now and privy to his “ways”…one of them being him hoping that i say: Dont worry about it …. and that I let it go because of his “situation”. Not for anything— but im thinking about “my situation” now…..and even if its only $25 a month— than so be it….. i think its better than letting him off that easy. (again– this is what works for me–and because i feel i am past the point where i am seeking validation from this person as well as the fact that him owing me $$ isnt consuming my every day thoughts).
Perhaps it seems so hard to believe for some, but yes I was one of those really naive women who really thought that she was and could be in a relationship with a man who was living with someone and I thought I was “in love” and that this was a “real” relationship. I know I have learned from the many other stories that people post (without judgement) and hope that some woman out there is reading this and learning from my story and to never put themselves in this situation.
Karen — that is great that you aren’t seeking validation from him any longer and I’m sure you are glad you see that now. I know if I was in your situation, I would wonder what to do as well. Although you are “over” him and it’s just about “business” — don’t you see that this is the result you are going to get from lending to an assclown—do you think he is going to make things easy, etc… etc… NO, there is going to be drama involved — the question is, if you had to weigh the two out, one being NO DRAMA, and DRAMA which would you prefer. You say that he hasn’t been responsible in the relationship— so why would you expect him to be when you lent him money; meaning of course you learned from the mistake, but there is a majority amount of responsibily/lesson for you too and you are NOT doing yourself any favors by trying to “teach” him his… in fact, it’s probably more of a disservice and annoyance if he is going to continue to charge certain things; and extend this period of time to pay you back — I know I’d feel like I’d owe it to myself just to cut him lose, take the loss of the debt (as NML said) and be closer to being emotionally free and healthy from this assclown, EUM.
Hi Gina,
I do see your point, at this time however, I am not willing to allow this debt to go (its been 4months now since I broke it off with him) perhaps in time I can……but for now this is what is working for me. He has not missed a payment (thank god) albeit its very little/the minimum payment. He doesnt make it hard per say, payments are done timely on a monthly basis without me having to remind him and of course he does not have the card I lent him any longer so there are no additional charges being made etc…. For now, there is no drama other than the one I allow myself to create whenever I think about it. I know for me, i would think about it a heck of a lot more if I let this debt go and see him every day at the office. That would probably make me feel worse (again, thats just me). I do not speak to him (although I work with him) and if and when needed, it is kept to a minimum. I work upstairs, he works downstairs……I maintain my distance and only go down when my work requires me to. Other than that, yes its a messy situation (one that I very well know I put myself in) however, I am going to make my own mistake work for me. What I mean by this is, I am going to take all the strength that I have to get through this. I love my job so I will not be leaving that for any man nor jeopordizing the opportunities that I have been given here…..and as long as payments are done timely and without any issues/drama etc…. I am willing to suck it up (atleast for now). Yes its the harder route, not gonna lie and say it has been easy…. but trying to turn my mistake into a positive in the grand scheme of things. Also, I am not concerned about teaching him a lesson, again… this is about me….not him. It is what is working for me…… I dont care at this point what on earth he is doing or not doing, learning or not learning, growing or not growing etc…. it is how I am choosing to deal with the aftermath of this situation and what feels right for me. I have been single since, working on me and perhaps that is what has helped me get so far along in such a short amount of time. My determination to understand what the heck my bad relationship habits have been, what not loving myself enough has gotten me and having patience with myself through the whole process. I have much to continue learning and addressing within myself to be worried about how to even begin teaching him a lesson or even begin to understand how to fix “HIS” issues. The only issue here is that I allowed myself to be with an EUM and what I am willing to do about it so that I dont continue to see myself in a situation like this EVER again.
I made hugh errors here.. I never thought of it as buying their love.. I thought more along the lines of buying their happiness.. for example wish i could to eat at the chinese restaurant I’d be happy eating there .. so you go to the trouble and expense of buying the meal and guess what they aren’t any happier .. this is just an example..
I will never see my money again I learnt to let it go and it was thousands always thinking if I just get this bill pay for that surely surely that will make him happy …. NOT !!! you can’t buy love and you can’t make someone happy with what you are paying for
Next eum had plenty of money we were the opposite ends of the financial spectrum.. so mostly he paid when we went out .. though i offered my share I would often get it wrong .. and i know he said stuff about him always paying for stuff behind my back which of course i didn’t confront .. it was like he left out the part where I did pay for things and left out the part where I did offer to pay the bill or pay my share when refused I accepted .. I always used my manners often double checked he was happy paying …. it is awkward ..
I dont know, I will be very suspecious if the guy I was dating for example, starts asking for money! It is alredy enough that he used me for sex. Please wake up and dont lend any money. I understand sometimes we trust them, and try to help..but still….I dont expect too much from them, and I think they dont expect too much from me, especially when money concerns…
Hi Karen,
I see how this situation can be complex and it seems like you are going a really good job, I guess I was wondering in my mind (only because I’ve been there, maybe not in this situation) if the money was a way to still attach yourself. No one is perfect, and I too could have made the same mistakes and it seems like you are trying the best you can to handle the consequences — that is when you really understand and change. The only reason why I thought to write you was; as long as you aren’t holding onto him to pay you back to teach him responsibility or hold him accountable (because he never was) but then again, we weren’t either when we allowed these assclowns to be in our lives… it’s almost like one is washing eachothers back and getting what we want subconciously or consciously. It seems like you have a good handle on things; alls I was saying that in your situation I may just do myself a service and cut him loose and pay the extras to get him completely off ties with me; despite the fact he still owed me money because my peace of wellbeing is higher than any dollar value—but like you said if there is no drama, so be it, however described in your post it seemed like there was some hositility, which is natural.. but of course you only know what is best for you… i wish you the best, and so happy you are choosing to be the best you can be and love yourself… life didnt come with instructions! I know I still have alot to learn, so hope I’m not coming across too strongly.
Makes perfect sense. Thanks for posting NML.
I used to take African dance classes with live drumming. One of the drummers asked me out one night after class. After a few conversations and ONE date, he told me that his mother was very ill and needed $300 for an operation. I never gave him a dime and eventually he stopped asking, but he was persistent. This was a man who b/c he thought himself “exotic” used women. He had more gold chains and designer clothes than P-Diddy! But his “mother” needed $$$$ …..right!!
These men are beyond bold, some come right out ask b/c you are to be soooo taken with them that you are honored they asked you or they’ll insinuate, imply or beg for $$$ and we give in for all the reasons NML mentioned in the post.
I’ve come to realize that a man who cannot be responsible with his money cannot be responsible with my emotions/heart and if he is constantly asking you for money or he never has money, than he’s deadbeat and not worth my time. If I have to be a grown up and take care of my finances then so should he.
Kissie,
Love your posts!!!! 🙂 Did he attempt to make to make you pay for the date?
Hi Gaynor, Thanks
No, he did not ask me to pay for the date, but we had to go to like three different places so he could collect enough money from different folks to take me to….KFC!!! Oh god, what was wrong with me??!!! Like NML said: don’t pay for a man’s love or attention. We’re worth both without having to do anything but be ourselves. I have to keep telling myself that, we all do…
Kissie,
Oh Lord!!! I hope you can look back and laugh now!
Yes, now I can. Live and learn…right?
Absolutely!!!!
I ended up giving my FORMER assclown approximately $2500-3000. We started dating around Thanksgiving,2008 and this took place between then and the end of Jan.AC does home improvements and the economy was really slow and people weren’t having things done. I was stupid enough and paid his rent one month, bought groceries, had him do some repairs around my house that will have to be redone b/c they were done 1/2 ass, plus some work that was never done.I wasn’t so worried about money @ the time b/c I had some money I got from my ex husband’s retirement in a divorce about 3 years ago. That money is now worth less than 20% of what it was 2 yrs ago. I am self employed and my business is way off and I am struggling financially.His business has picked up and he has lots of work these days. Not once has he offered to pay back any money or help me out.I decided to quit seeing him about a week ago. His blowing hot and cold is not good for my mood or good for my daughter.Anyway my counselor suggested I talk to him about it or send him a letter. I left him a message on his voicemail, but I know I will never see a cent of it.My part was I was stupid and gave it to him. He doesn’t play by the same set of rules that I do.
Update-My FORMER Assclown just called me.He said he will get paid on a job and will give me some money next week. LOL !!!! I will believe that when I see it. It will be a cold day in Hades.I told him I couldn’t take his blowing hot and cold anymore emotionally and that it wasn’t good for my daughter to have someone blowing in out of our life. He tried to pin it on me and said I had quit coming around.Truth be known after reading stuff on this site it made me realize that there was NEVER a relationship.I will post next week if even get a penny back. I need to dream on…
I’ve found that giving/lending money to guys/girls who do not deserve it often goes hand in hand with people who have gone on holiday to places like Cuba, Thailand or other exotic locations, where the general population is poor. They justify their actions and the entire relationship, which is long distance and therefore potentially not very healthy, with the excuse that the other person would pay their way/pay for the phone calls/treat them once in a while if they could..but they can’t. Isn’t that sad? I should know, I fell in love with a Cuban (grimace/embarrassment) and I’d love to read more about Emotional Unvabilability and falling in “love” with a poor person you met on holiday/while you were travelling :). I’d send it to a friend of mine who is in “love” with a Thai Beach Boy who has cheated on her, lied to her, allows her to pay for everything and who has just earned his right to a second chance by being very sorry now that she has said she has had enough. Grrrrrr.
Like you said some women can use money (amongst other things) to almost manipulate a man into believing that you are in a committed relaitonship.
I heard from T Harv Ecker …. That the decision we make about anything, does not matter. But what does matter is the REASON behind that decision.
A lot of the times you may lend ur man money because you just can’t say no, or you want him to have an (I owe you) stamped on his head or you want him to appreciate you more.
These are all reasons that you should not lend him money. Maybe if you mutually understand that you are in a committed relaitonship and this money is used to fund his dreams and its more about being able to accomplish something together, rather than just using and abusing each others resources.
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There are other scenarios, like mine, where it is not a case of them asking for mone. In my case, a civilised agreement has been reached (I’d like the money in one go but realise that won’t happen). This is the dissolution of a 10 year relationship though: anyone asking to borrow money over and above a certain amount (up to £20 is an acceptable risk for a friend) and if that person does not return the money quickly then they will never get 1p never mind anything else again.