I know I know – A lot of you may be thinking: what is Hot Alpha Female on about now?! Well let me explain because I guarantee that a lot of you have been in this situation. This post came from a realisation that I came across today. It was quite shocking actually .. made me feel a little sick
What am I referring to exactly? What is the repeater boyfriend?
The repeater boyfriend is essentially a guy that you are currently dating that is a replica of all your ex boyfriends. Just with a slightly different car, haircut, and brand of jeans.
Still confused? Well let me elaborate by explaining a hypothetical situation that I may or may not have made up….
You date and date and date and then you find someone who is worth dating and getting involved with on a more serious level. You stay with them for, lets say in this instance, 2 years ( really long time for some people…) and let’s just say this guy disrespects you, abuses you physically/emotionally, and uses you for sex and money. So finally after two years you realise that he is no good for you and you decide to break up with him. You stick out being single for a while…for let’s say…6 months.
So in that time you date and date and date until you find someone that you think is worth dating long-term. You are happy and things seem to be going well. But then you take a breather and a step back and you realise that this guy “disrespects you, abuses you physically/emotionally and uses you for sex and moneyâ€.
That my friend is what a repeater boyfriend is. Its essentially like dating the same guy over and over again because that is what you are attracting.
Seriously guys think about it. How many of your exes have been of a similar nature? Do some exes remind you of the previous ones before that? Why do we tend to date the same kind of people that may not be good for us?
Why do I raise this point? Well there are two reasons actually. The first is that you need to realise that we can take control of our love lives and the second is that the people we have attracted into our lives have not been a mistake but have been attracted into our lives because we LET them. Here is the harsh reality. If all you have attracted previously are guys that cheated and disrespected you … It was because YOU asked for it.
Maybe not intentionally, but on some level you did.
I know, it sounds harsh right? But I don’t say this to upset you, but rather to build your awareness that if you have the power to attract disrespectful guys into your life, you also have the power to attract great, genuine, and loving guys into your life too!
How can you stop falling into the trap of the repeater boyfriend?
Well don’t worry, its nothing that you haven’t heard before. The reason why you are attracting people into your life like that, is because there are certain beliefs that you hold about yourself that is attracting them in the first place.
If all you have preciously attracted into your life were cheaters, then ask yourself do you really believe that you are worthy of someone who has the heart to love you totally and completely. A lot of the time it’s not so much of how much we can give, but rather allowing ourselves just to be able to receive the love that is out there for us.
You guys want to know how you can stop the repeater boyfriend and how you can start attracting a different, more suitable type of man? Well this is one of the reasons why I always talk about self love first. That’s why I believe that you need to focus on building beliefs around yourself and relationships before you enter into anything and that is why I am an advocate of being a happy and fulfilled single because its only when you truly enjoy your own company, that you will be able to find someone who appreciates it too.
Good luck Girls
Hot Alpha Female is a new weekly contributor to Baggage Reclaim. She’s a vibrant twenty-something that loves talking about dating and relationships, as well as skiing and laughing uncontrollably.
Preach! Great post! I had umpteen boyfriends on repeat. I just thought I had a magnetic field around me or an invisible sign begging for assclowns on my forehead. It was only when I had a written record of my dalliances that I woke up and stopped thinking it was all one big accident. Funny how when I sorted out me, everything else fell into place… But it was a long, bumpy road. That’s why I love blogging – if I can spare women even a little of the pain, it’s good. So many choice lines in this post but this was the best : “if you have the power to attract disrespectful guys into your life, you also have the power to attract great, genuine, and loving guys into your life too!”
FinallyOverIt
on 11/03/2008 at 3:28 pm
I think this is a different way of saying what this blog is all about–the emotionally unavailable man. You can call them “repeat boyfriends” if you like, but they are still emotionally unavailable men. And, the reason we are attracted to them is usually because we have had an “incomplete” relationship with our fathers, or we have unresolved issues with men for whatever reason. We need to focus on ourselves and why we choose these kind of men before the pattern can be broken.
Plainbelly
on 11/03/2008 at 4:31 pm
I’ve been struggling with the emotionally unavailable man in my life. I’ve been frustrated with him because I want more and he doesn’t want to provide it. And then last week I woke up with Deja Vu. I realized if I continue down this road with him that it will turn out like the gazillion men who came before him. He would perform a disappearing act and I would play the horrified victim. This post helps. I can’t rewind… but I can stop the repeats.
Mims
on 11/03/2008 at 11:44 pm
I thought surely I was making “different” choices because each new man was (externally) different: a chef, a computer geek, a lawyer. Italian. American. Jewish.
Meh! Same shite, different man.
lisaq
on 12/03/2008 at 11:36 am
I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but then again he’s spot on here. You teach people how to treat you. We allow them to disrespect us and treat us like crap, get sick of it, move on and then attract the next one who we allow to disrespect us and treat us like crap. Then we wonder why we keep attracting them over and over when it’s all about us…about what we believe we deserve. You’ve hit the nail on the head HAF!
Vixen
on 23/03/2008 at 7:06 am
Wow, you are awesome! Just wanted to say welcome to Baggage Reclaim, love your energy and great tips. Let’s get those re-do boyfriends out of our lives.
The Evil Advice Columnist
on 19/07/2008 at 3:40 pm
I know a heartbreak can make a girl turn crazy against the man she loved, but what can make a man go bad for a girl he fancied?
Gina
on 24/03/2009 at 6:45 pm
Yeah, exactly. I suppose the reason why I knew the script was because I was with a different man, same issues and patterns. It’s funny though, I also had the same patterns and issues that got me connected with these assclowns and EUMs in the first place! When you first start out dating you can chaulk it up to being naivve—but as the years pass and you repeatedly are with the same losers, accountability is a nice little lesson!!
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Preach! Great post! I had umpteen boyfriends on repeat. I just thought I had a magnetic field around me or an invisible sign begging for assclowns on my forehead. It was only when I had a written record of my dalliances that I woke up and stopped thinking it was all one big accident. Funny how when I sorted out me, everything else fell into place… But it was a long, bumpy road. That’s why I love blogging – if I can spare women even a little of the pain, it’s good. So many choice lines in this post but this was the best : “if you have the power to attract disrespectful guys into your life, you also have the power to attract great, genuine, and loving guys into your life too!”
I think this is a different way of saying what this blog is all about–the emotionally unavailable man. You can call them “repeat boyfriends” if you like, but they are still emotionally unavailable men. And, the reason we are attracted to them is usually because we have had an “incomplete” relationship with our fathers, or we have unresolved issues with men for whatever reason. We need to focus on ourselves and why we choose these kind of men before the pattern can be broken.
I’ve been struggling with the emotionally unavailable man in my life. I’ve been frustrated with him because I want more and he doesn’t want to provide it. And then last week I woke up with Deja Vu. I realized if I continue down this road with him that it will turn out like the gazillion men who came before him. He would perform a disappearing act and I would play the horrified victim. This post helps. I can’t rewind… but I can stop the repeats.
I thought surely I was making “different” choices because each new man was (externally) different: a chef, a computer geek, a lawyer. Italian. American. Jewish.
Meh! Same shite, different man.
I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but then again he’s spot on here. You teach people how to treat you. We allow them to disrespect us and treat us like crap, get sick of it, move on and then attract the next one who we allow to disrespect us and treat us like crap. Then we wonder why we keep attracting them over and over when it’s all about us…about what we believe we deserve. You’ve hit the nail on the head HAF!
Wow, you are awesome! Just wanted to say welcome to Baggage Reclaim, love your energy and great tips. Let’s get those re-do boyfriends out of our lives.
I know a heartbreak can make a girl turn crazy against the man she loved, but what can make a man go bad for a girl he fancied?
Yeah, exactly. I suppose the reason why I knew the script was because I was with a different man, same issues and patterns. It’s funny though, I also had the same patterns and issues that got me connected with these assclowns and EUMs in the first place! When you first start out dating you can chaulk it up to being naivve—but as the years pass and you repeatedly are with the same losers, accountability is a nice little lesson!!