Following part one of this post where I explained why boundaries are necessities, how boundaries are mostly taught through actions, how we teach people how to teach us, and how the core thread of human behaviour in relationships is acceptance and rejection, here are the next three:
5. Even if you don’t have boundaries, believe it or not, he does.
Whilst an assclown or Mr Unavailable will get no brownie points for their relationship style, when they manage your expectations down by blowing hot and cold, or manipulate you into corners, it’s because they have boundaries of their own that they don’t want you crossing. Rightly or wrongly, they do have boundaries and their ‘my way or the highway mentality’ plus their tendency to pull passive aggressive strokes where they appear to be doing as you ask only to do exactly what they intended, combine to keep you inside their boundary lines.
In poor relationships we soon discover how we have to tow the line if we want them to stick around and not be scared off (even if they could do with being scared off). They may not be big on words, but as I’ve repeatedly said, actions speak way louder than words and this is how they maintain their boundaries.
His boundaries aren’t necessarily about values – in a poor relationship it is often about ensuring that you don’t want, need or expect too much of him. When you cross the line and start treating him like he’s your boyfriend, a signal goes up and he reacts to this. Cue disappearing act or whatever his modus operandi is. Ignoring you, disappearing on you, or letting you think that speaking your mind is a bad thing are all master strokes on their parts.
What we fail to realise is that if we had some boundaries of our own, we’d feel the conflict of being involved with them much quicker and register it for what it is and opt out.
This is what makes the whole idea of not needing boundaries redundant – if you don’t, the other person will, only you’ll have to be super adaptable and you can only play by their often shitty rules.
6. If people believe there is no consequence to their actions, they continue with their behaviour – there has to be consequences!
One of the biggest trappings of women is that we consistently reward shitty relationship behaviour with more I love you’s and demonstrations of our love and commitment to the relationship.
You can’t be rewarding bad with good constantly, especially when repeatedly doing this yields the same crappy results! At some point you have to recognise the madness in treating someone good after they consistently treat you bad and expecting a different, better result each time!
There has to be consequences – If someone thinks that there is no negative consequence to their crap behaviour, why would they stop? Why would they change? More importantly, if you’re not creating consequences, when do you get your signal to opt out? Even more importantly, why are there no consequences? I don’t mean pretend consequences where you repeatedly say you’re mad and done with him, but real ones where you say you’re mad, you recognise how inappropriate this is and way over your boundaries, and you actually cut him off.
It is not up to him to decide the fate of his own behaviour – it’s up to you. You can’t do the whole ‘If he doesn’t want to be around, why doesn’t he just leave? Why does he keep coming back?’ You need to be asking why you can’t end it and why you keep letting him come back when he persistently disrespects you.
7. NO is not a dirty word
Life…is not about saying yes all the time because saying yes to everything, again creates a lack of boundaries. Yes and No are opportunities to define your space and ensure that you put your welfare and best interests at heart. Many women don’t know how to say NO – that’s why they’re run ragged by work colleagues, family and friends who take advantage, and men who recognise that they don’t recognise themselves as entities to be respected.
People operate within the boundary lines that you set.
Yes it would be nice if we could all have a common code of conduct with the expectation that people will be respectful and not take advantage, but it’s your responsibility to set the boundaries of your relationships, not theirs. If people hear yes from you all the time, they after a while take it as a given that it’s a yes. You can’t complain after you’ve said yes a thousand times that they didn’t recognise that you may not want to be or do the thousand and oneth thing!
NO is a combination of actions and words. You don’t need to bellowing it at opportunity but if you don’t say it very often, you need to say it a hell of a lot more because if the reality is that by saying NO that the recipient of it will be uncomfortable around you and won’t want to play ball anymore, you know exactly where the land lies.
All of your adult relationships are a two way street. If people can’t hack that you say NO when their behaviour is inappropriate and can’t adjust to that, it is a sign that they are only comfortable with the relationship on their terms and where you get to be the agreeable, pliable one. Clearly, that can’t work and it’s not a very good indicator of how they see you.
Part 3 will be published on Wednesday is published now. Also read part one.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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mariposa,
he’s teasing you…these guys are good at that…he wants you to feel him there, and get you to make a move for contact…not because he wants you, but for another ego stroke…they are selfish, unempathetic and make me sick! We have to watch out for ourselves!
As you, I feel so fortunate to have found this site. It has given me so much insight into myself as well as all the screwballs that exist in the dating world. With the tools we have gained, we will be able to recognize the red flags early on, which will hopefully prevent any further pain in our relationships. The sad thing is is that there are so many that do not have the insight we have gained.
Thats what I learned from this site and from Leeane and your post today finallyseenthelight– is that even if were to contact me– it wouldn’t be because he cared or missed me– or any of the reasons I would want. Thanks for reminding me of that and helping me to get back on track!
mariposa: Im sure that he is trying to get attention from you although in a very subtle way. Sounds like he is looking for an ego stroke but doesn’t want to have to ask you for it. So instead he wanders around you to see if and when you will give in. Looking to see if you will say or do anything because you know… they do think so highly of themselves!! But just like others have said today to me on this post— he is only doing it for selfish reasons !! DONT GIVE IN!!!
If he wanted to he could just talk to me. Why is he going all around? Just to show me that he could ignore me?
Cause these men are cowards mariposa. He wants the attention he just doesn’t want to work for it or ask for it or anything!!! Because if he were to say hello or come talk to you– he would have to own up to the fact that HE INITIATED the contact not you…! which in essence would mean that he is doing the chasing. He isn’t going to want to admit to this. It is easier for him to justify it to himself by saying… “Oh– i was just walking around minding my own business and she approached me” These guys really do make me sick! They are such liars!! Not only to us– but even worse… TO themselves!!! Its all about them NOT HAVING to take any responsibility for being the A**clowns that they are or for anything for that matter!!! Ugh!! Please dont give him the time of day or even look his way!! Thats exactly what he wants!!! This isnt about him ignoring you– this is about tempting you to come his way…. you don’t ignore someone by putting yourself right in their face. His actions are saying something that contradicts someone who wants to ignore you (very typical of EUM)
Mariposa- I think you are falling into his trap. He wants you to wonder and to notice that he has been on your floor. He is dangling a carrot so you will bite. Don’t do it. So pathetic on his part. Look at it like this. He is not showing you that he is ignoring you he is showing you that he is a coward and won’t make the first move to get you hooked back in. Ignore it and try to think about how pathetic his behavior actually is!
Right on Karen!
Mariposa,
It is pretty sad.
Mariposa – it could be whistling past the graveyard. That is, trying to show he isn’t afraid, when really, he is lost. What does he have to fear? Losing his job, for one, for harassing you.
You might mention this to your supervisor/boss. “I notice he keeps drifting around this floor. Doesn’t he have enough work on his floor?” and let it go. You don’t have a good case of him interfering with your work, yet the fact you said something will give a perceptive boss the message that he is interfering in your work. (Making a complaint to an unperceptive boss won’t accomplish anything at this point.) Hopefully just shining some light on his antics will get things straightened out. May get together with a couple of others in your area, and set up a daily pool for when he first shows up, and how many times each day. That would start the kind of notice he likely can’t afford. It should be easy to start, “I got a quarter says Bozo will be by twice today.”
He can’t be seen to harass you at work, so he won’t want anyone to pay particular attention to the fact he is “out of bounds” when he (and those around you) are supposed to be working.
In your case, “boundary” can be really simple – your work area. If you don’t defend your boundaries – who will?
Thanks guys. What sucks is that just when I start to feel better. He does something like that. It totally sucks. I woke up this morning actually feeling good. It’s like he knows and does something so subtle that I can’t really complain and then it sets me back a little again.
Mariposa, I really feel for you because you have to deal with this at work. I know that makes it so much harder for you to put him out of your mind. Just know that he’s trying to get your attention…and it’s working…just don’t let him know that. You will get his goat by ignoring him and not giving him that ego stroke that he is dying for…these guys are like vampires…they live off of the ego strokes we give them, draining us of our good self esteem…don’t let him do it…just keep writing on here and doing anything but making contact with him. He’s put you through too much misery already.
We all have to realize that a good relationship would make us feel good and not bad. So keep telling yourself that he’s not worth it…
Good Luck…………HUGS!
finallyseenthelight,
Believe me I am not letting him know. I’d die before I let him know how much he’s getting to me. I am trying to move on. I’m going to therapy. I’m journalling. I’ve even started dating, which might be too soon. If he thinks I’m going to call him I will not.
Thanks for talking to me.
Hey Brad K.
I think the advice you give is great.
But, I do have to ask, why are you so hard core?
Just asking, do you have a background to share yourself?
As a guy, I can’t believe women like you exist. Come on, we just don’t want to be with you any longer. We wait until someone better or more “interesting” comes along and then we move on. Most guys have already figured out with girls like you that we are NOT responsible for your actions. If we string you along time and again and you decide to put up with it, we know it!! If you allow us to have sex with you time and again – especially if we treat you like crap – but think we are committing to you, it’s your own damn fault for the pain you cause yourself when we decide it’s time to move on. You ladies sometimes think we have no right to move on. EVERYONE has that right. Face it, we lost interest in you – for whatever reason we wanted – and moved on. Period. Perhaps we found someone more intelligent, more attractive, more “fun” – we just know that we no longer wanted to be with you.
Mike,
Then why do these men repeatedly come back proclaiming their undying love???? Normal men leave and don’t string women along!
Gaynor- Because they can! these men are totally selfish and have no thought. Errrr exactly how all of us should think about them when we’re dating them, take it or leave it. Ladies have to take responsibility for there own hearts, as we cannot assume or expect anyone else to. Some men will take advantage of a no boudaries situation, in fact alot of men will, and leave it up to you to deal with. Like he says it is not their responsibility for our actions, as there stupid action behaviour is not our responsibility to stay and fix. we should move on to.
@ Mike Even though they are harsh words, how you describe this kind of guys actions and perception of the situation are actually quite accurate. The troublesome thing in this situation is that you’re right – continuing to take very clear poor behaviour, regardless of what comes out of their mouths places and onus of responsibility on the woman (far from all of it though) because we cannot live off words. But…these aren’t your average, ‘normal’ guy because if they were, they wouldn’t string and draw it out and so where the responsibility comes in, is that instead of taking what you can get and saying all of the right things to get an ego stroke and a shag, YOU should take responsibility and get lost. At the end of the day – someone has to opt out and whilst yes, the woman can always opt out of the shitty behaviour and should, it’s about time guys like this took some responsibility and did the decent thing and got lost. You do have every right to move on – but there is a big difference between doing that and literally straddling the fence so that you get the best of both worlds.
Men Suck!
Right on NML!
Rules,
Thankfully,I have become very clear on bad behavior in relationships.
I guess it is a little surprising even now to see such callous words in print. He thinks it is acceptable to treat people like crap as long as they accept it. This is narcissism at its best!!!! We could all follow his example but thankfully most of of know this is wrong and choose to lead our lives differently and treat people with kindness and respect . Would he want his mother or sister treated this way, I think not! Now, I’m not taking any of the responsibility off the woman, if a man is treating you poorly then get out. If she is choosing to stay in an unhealthy relationship then she is half of the problem and has her own issues to deal with. Enough said!
I am just so amazed at the information on this blog. It is by far the very best relationship advice out there! I’ll just post to everything in one post instead of making several little ones.
Chloe, yes during my marriage I gave up myself. My friends, hobbies, and just everything because there would be He$$ to pay if I didn’t. He was abusive.
I see this happen so much with women. They get with a guy and suddenly she takes on his life and hers is gone. Have you noticed this?
I have a workmate who just moved in with a guy and he doesn’t like the air con on so she is just supposed to sit and swelter in the heat when it is 42 out! I said look you live there too and you should speak up. I heard her on the phone the other day hunting around for boots for his kids. She has met them a once and now all of a sudden she is stuck with his child rearing things. She is going on a bunch of holidays with him and they are all his ideas. She always goes out for NYE and he didn’t want to so she didn’t. So yeah she has given up her life to this guy.
The consequences thing just really hit me when I read it today. I mean Wow what a light bulb. My thinking is that I just ignore things because I don’t want him to know I am angry and then he’ll deliberately do it to make me angry. If I ignore the behaviour they’ll stop doing it. Well maybe that works with little kids, but it doesn’t work with men. They just keep on doing the behaviour because they think because you haven’t said anything, then it is ok with you.
Like the last AC I was with. He would make the comment “you’re old” just like that. He just said it like he was saying that wall is tan. I just ignored it and thought he would stop saying it and then I tried agreesing with him saying yeah I know and I’m quite happy about my age. But he would keep on saying it so it was a put down. I should have given him consequences about it and then it would have stopped.
Cynnie, yes you find out their boundaries are quite firm. You do all the compromising and they don’t budge a bit. Talking did absolutely no good. None. I would say I would really like it if you told me you loved me more or I would like it if you bought me flowers sometime. Did he do it? No of course not as he already decided what he was going to do and not do and it wasn’t up for negotiation. He would say, I’m not romantic. End of conversation.
Rewarding bad behaviours! Gosh we women do this Soooo very much! I guess my thinking was if I kept giving and do nice things, he would see this and return the favour. Nope, they just keep taking and think you are a sap.
This other forum I read a gal was dating some AC for maybe 6 months and then he up and vanished poof. So about 6 months later he calls and leaves a voice message on her phone. Well instead of just ignoring it, she calls him back the next day and leaves one on his phone. People told her to just ignore him but she said ignoring him wouldn’t be polite and she is ready to forgive him!!!! Accck! So she thought it was all done with and now he is calling again and really he was just fishing looking for some action. Now she is all confused wondering if she should give him another chance! Another chance for what? To treat you like rubbish!
I have done it too. The disease to please and not be thought of as rude regardless of how the other person has treated you. I am getting much better at that though.
Ok I’ve written way too much.
Cheers
Boy isn’t it true that they have their boundaries and if you cross them, woe be you!!! Last week, my EUM and I were on vacation. His phone kept getting texts, so when he was asleep, I looked at his phone and a 27 year old girl from his work (he’s 47) was texting him. The text I saw said, “Beautiful pictures” meaning he sent her pictures of OUR vacation. I also saw that his ex-girlfriend sent him a text asking him “how’s skiing?” This was 2 days AFTER he told me he never hears from her. I should have turned the light on and thrown him and his friends who were staying with us out the door. Instead, I sent him a text (so I wouldn’t embarass him in front of his friends) saying I had a bad dream there was someone else and asking if there is anyone else because if there was, we could both walk out the door the next day and go our separate ways. He acted as if I hadn’t sent him a thing. Monday, I apologized for the bizarre text. What did he do???? He went off on me about how we had previously discussed this issue. ??????????? 3 months ago, I asked him on 2 occasions “are we okay?” and he got exasperated that I asked him, so we agreed I wouldn’t ask him that if he agreed we would tell each other if we wanted to end the relationship instead of doing the slow fade or disappearing – its what I call “The Rule.” THAT is what he meant and when I said it wouldn’t happen again, he repeatedly said, “You said that before.” Ultimately, he said, “Don’t let it happen again.” Now, I haven’t heard from him in two days despite a text and a phone call and I’m sitting here panicking that I pushed him over the edge and he’s ignoring The Rule and disappearing or is going to come back and say its over. If I had boundaries, I would have thrown his sorry butt out the door!!! Why, oh why, can’t I do that??? Why can’t I let go if this AC? I’ve read Natalie’s book and I STILL can’t let go!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Judy,
You’ve got to let this bum go!!! How long have you been together and are you happy with this man?????
I got a little confused with your story (needs to be broken up a bit) but from what I gather there has been a lot of lying and disappointment in the relationship. It sounds like this man has implemented his boundaries but you have clearly not done the same. Remember, there was life before this man .
I think you need to ask yourself what you are getting from the relationship
Gaynor,
We have been together 7 months. This is the first instance of which I am aware that he has lied – were there more? I don’t know. I was very happy at the beginning. He works a 12 hour shift schedule where he has every other weekend off and switches from days to nights each month. For the first 3 months of our relationship, we were together all weekend, every weekend that he had off and 1 day during the week. He would text me every day or two.
We had a big weather event at the end of month 3 that caused me not to have power for a week and he invited me to stay at this house. The weather event caused damage to his house but did not render it unliveable, so after it and up until just before we left on vacation, he has spent most of his free time dealing with insurace, repairs, etc. His work schedule also increased because 2 people in a small organization were out sick.
Following the major weather event (September) until now, I can go many days (as many as 5) without a text or phone call and we have gone as long as 2 weeks without seeing each other. It is always me going down to his house (about 60 miles away) because “its easier for [me] to find someone to take of my dogs than it is for him to find someone to take care of his” and his dog and one of mine do not get a long. Basically, he determines when we have text/phone contact and when we get together “because of his schedule.” There are many other signals that he is EU.
I am here on Natalie’s site and read her book to help fortify me to make hard decisions because I am NOT happy with the way things are. The few times I have asked him to do something different (call instead of text, take down his online dating profile), he did. But, we had our first argument on Monday with because, several months ago, when he first got whiggy, I asked him on 2 occasions, “are we okay?” to which he would get exasperated and ask me why I was asking. The third time, instead of asking if we’re okay, I suggested that I wouldn’t ask him that anymore if we could agree if one of us wanted to end the relationship, we would tell the other instead of disappearing or doing the slow fade. (The disappearing for days without contact was having an emotional toll on me). He agreed. I now call this “The Rule.”
Since our heated discussion on Monday (what I would call our first argument), I have not heard from him (did not respond to a text from me or a call) which, as I said, is not unusual for him, but because of the argument, I am having anxiety/panic attacks because I haven’t heard from him – kind of like an addict going through withdrawal – thinking he’s disappeared and not abiding by “The Rule” or that he will come back and tell me he doesn’t want to see me anymore. In other words, give me a few days to not hear from him and then do the deed as if it would make it easier to take, somehow. It would probably be a good thing if he didn’t come back since I am going through the grieving/withdrawal right now.
Monday’s argument was because I asked him via text if there was someone else. He equated that with my asking him are we okay and when I said I was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again, he kept repeating, “you said that before.” Ultimately, we ended the discussion and the phone call by him saying “don’t let it happen again.”
I will add that, from day one, I have let him do all the pursuing. Until recently, I would respond to his texts/phone calls but not initiate them. Only recently have I initiated and I may or may not get an answer. For instance, I texted him on Monday night that my son just asked to go live with his Dad and he did not answer. I called his cell the next night but did not leave a message.
In Natalie’s book, my EUM is “The Convenient One With Feet Set in Cement.†Fits him to a “Tâ€!
I will add that, from day one, I have let him do all the pursuing. Until recently, I would respond to his texts/phone calls but not initiate them. Only recently have I initiated and I may or may not get an answer. For instance, I texted him on Monday night that my son just asked to go live with his Dad and he did not answer. I called his cell the next night but did not leave a message.
Judy, let me give you piece of well intended advice. Whatever this ‘rule’ is, it doesn’t sound like he would abide by it. He controls the pace of this relationship which is not a good sign although this has been taught by you both as you say you let him do the pursuing.
“Are we OK?” is an extremely indirect question and not likely to achieve much. I suspect no matter what you say, he’s going to get p*ssy with you anyway, but there is no other way to ask if he is sleeping with someone else, other than to ask him straight up if he is.
Someone who has regard for your feelings and doesn’t want you to be in a position of feeling uncared for or like you’re being cheated on, would speak up and say no, I’m not cheating. You will keep going around in circles on this discussion until you are direct with him. Many a man would tell you that things were fine if you ask them if you’re OK…even if their shagging ten women behind your back. Clearly, if a guy is screwing around behind your back, he is OK with that – it’s you that isn’t.
What you have is a man that doesn’t want to communicate and doesn’t want to have his honesty questioned, even if you are justified in doing so. However, you must learn to be more direct and have the uncomfortable conversations – should he ever pick up the phone again…
Personally, he sounds like a real class act – change the table, assume the power, and YOU cut contact. You know what you are dealing with so why prolong the agony? What is it that you need him to ‘clarify’ for you? His actions speak volumes.
Natalie,
Thanks SO much for your advice. You are very right that he does control the pace of the relationship. Actually, the text I sent him on Sunday did, in fact, ask him if he was seeing anyone else. Notably, he never answered the question and, instead, said I thought we’ve been through this before – meaning the are we okay and, then, “the rule” that, until he tells me otherwise, we are fine and in an exclusive relationship.
Right now, I really don’t think I need him to clarify anything and I just need to pull up my big girl panties, acknowledge the AC that he is and move on. That’s what I’m having problems doing and why I keep hoping he makes contact. I keep reading your articles here and the comments in the hope I will get mad enough to do the deed and call it off. The thought of that has me panicked.
Dear Judy, I’m so sorry for you. But you are only seven months in, so you should be able to recover from this bad treatment pretty quickly. Just try to extrapolate into the future…how would several years of uncertainty and his evasions and refusal to say anything to reassure you, how would that affect your emotional well being? If you are already feeling panicky now, you’d probably be a basket case later.
If he doesn’t have somebody else now, it sure looks like he is shopping or open to the idea. I hope you can get out before that happens. Take care!
Judy,
Why is this relationship in his control, there are two people involved here??? What percentage of this relationship are you happy???
I realize that you love this man-we all have-but the world will not come to an end, you must recognize that another cannot have so much control over your life and actions.
Lastly, this guy mainly texts? Big red flag. Also, you said he you can go five-days w/o NC, this is not a relationship. Judy, I’m sorry but you have to recognize what this situation is and move on or you will or you will lose yourself and your self respect. Not worth it!!!!!
Thanks Regina! This guy works around a lot of women (health care professionals) and he claims they are all just very good, close friends. I have met several of them, which would support that claim. the thing is, here we are 7 months in and I should feel a lot more secure about our relationship than I do. I’m constantly wondering why I don’t hear from him for 2, 3,4 and 5 days at a pop. I can see how he manages down my expectations, I can see how he is keeping me close, yet far enough away. I am just having the hardest time accepting all of that and doing something about it. I am also having the hardest time thinking of him with other women – why them and not me? What’s wrong with me? Why am I ALWAYS second best? (My XH left me for another woman and I have a chain of relationships that ended because the guy left me for someone else).
I think it was Mike who commented that we all seem like intelligent women who are above these guys. My EUM should be thanking is lucky stars to have someone like me. I am very well-educated, multiple degrees – he graduated from flight school in the Army. I have a 6 figure salary that is almost 4 times his. I could go on and on and on. Yet, here he is holding all the cards, exercising all the control. I NEED to force myself to break contact (although, we’re in one of the periods where there’s been no contact for several days) and having such a difficult time with it.
Judy,
You know all the signs, he screams EUM. Do you think he’s going to change??? We cannot expect people to change, this is who he is.
Oh, I’m very clear he isn’t going to change! That’s one thing I’ve known from the outset!
Judy,
Then why stick around???
Judy,
How far into the relationship was his online profile up? Also, I don’t get why you’re always going to this clown? If he wanted to spend time together he would have made an effort to come to you on a 50/50 basis. Remember, it’s all in the actions!!!!
You also asked why you come in “second best.” Perhaps this is because you have not set any boundaries with these men-I did the same in my last relationship-why would they want a woman who does not respect herself enough to stand up for her beliefs and values, would you if the situation were reversed???? We must implement boundaries or we will continue to be doormats in every aspect of our lives. Go back and reread the series on boundaries, and also focus on the comments made by the male posters.
Gaynor, thanks so very much. I am reading and rereading and rereading. His profile was up 4 months from the day we started dating. When I asked him, he took it down. I drive his way because of the dogs. I have 2 very big and one little dog and he has 1 VERY big dog (Great Dane).
Today has been good and bad. The anxiety attacks continue, but at least now, I am vascilating between wanting him to call/text and not wanting him to because I have sworn to myself I will not contact him – and so far I haven’t. When I am wanting him to text/call, it so overwhelms the practical side of me (the side that hopes he doesn’t). Its as the fear that he is mad at me still, rejecting me, disappearing/abandoning has to be removed before I can rationally take action to end the relationship. Stupid, I know, but the pain is killing me.
One of the male posters (Mike) said when men text they only want sex. That hit me square between the eyes because for the first several months of our relationship, all we did was text unless we were making plans to go out. He RARELY called. It wasn’t until I told him I would like him to call more often that he did. But, the texts at the beginning of the relationship were always about sex….what I was wearing (panties), were they wet, etc. It was very erotic and exciting. Speaking of sex, when we would have sex, he’d pull my hair and say I’m such a whore because I like it so much. At the time, again, it was very exciting and erotic, but when he did it last week when we were on vacation, I was offended because I feel we’re past that – yet, I didn’t say anything.
I would appreciate any good words of wisdom on how to stop obsessing and wallowing in limbo hoping and praying he’ll text/call. I’ve tried the keeping busy, working out, etc. I even tried one posters suggestion to sing a song because it redirects you and makes you feel happy. (Funny, the song I keep singing is from the Spongebob CD, Plankton singing, “You will obey. Body and soul, you will obey.” Can’t get it out of my head). Nothing is working. I can’t even sleep.
To tell you how nuts this has made me, I am so worried about this 27 year old that i drove past her house. She lives in a row of condos and there was a guy who looks exactly like my EUM (even same color/type sweater EUM has) on the balcony of either hers or the condo next to hers. He stared at me as I drove past. Would have sworn it was him. Then, I drove past his house which is some 35 miles away and his garage door was open, one of his two vehicles was visible (the other could have or may not have been behind the other, closed garage door. and lights in the house were on. I am still sitting here panicking that the reason I haven’t heard from his because it was him on the balcony…That is now illogical I am being….how would he have gotten there? Neither of his cars were anywhere to be seen near her condo unless his little sports car (the one that would have been behind his other, closed garage door) was in her garage, she would have had to drive him there from 35 miles away (why would they do that) and EUM would have had to left his garage door open and lights on (he’s very meticulous and a bit OC with regard to orderliness) or called one of his neighbors to go open his garage door (they have the code) when he saw me.. THIS shows you how neurotic my thinking is right now!!!! I am SO panicked it was him and that’s why he hasn’t contacted me. (YES, I am seeing a counselor)!
Hi Judy,
I wanted to let you know I was where you are about 2 months ago, (only it was for the umpteenth time for me). My last EUM only texted though (that was his management tool, to manage my expectations down). I obsessed for a while and I was the one that cut contact. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter because what my perception was and what his was were two different things and there wasn’t any relationship to begin with. I got on this site and it’s made a world of difference in my life. I too, had to read and reread before I got it and I am still working on it, only working on me!
At any rate, this is a suggestion, Do Not give away your dignity to this guy by calling him, texting him checking up on him, it’s a waste of your time and energy (I know, easier said than done). You will look needy, it’s just not worth it and you came to the right place to help with that. Forget about the “Rule” obviously he is not playing in the same sandbox as you so there are no “Rules” and be glad that your investment is limited to 7 months rather than years down the road….Gail
Judy,
I hope I wasn’t too tough but it’s what got me to see reality.
I find it very disturbing that you had to ask him to take down his profile, he should have done this once it was established you were together. I still don’t get the dog thing. You have three and yet he only has one, this doesn’t make sense. It’s all in the actions or should I say inaction!!!!!
I think you need to ask yourself what you get from this ‘relationship’ besides misery. Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he’s contributing much of anything. How can you miss nothing???? When I went NC from my Ex-assclown it was so liberating, b/c you know what, I got my self-esteem back and that’s more important than any man could ever give me. I really think you need to look within and ask yourself why you believe you deserve so little in your life.
What helped me was keeping very busy. I got involved with volunteer activities, Salsa dancing, meditation, courses in school, etc…. Not only did I discover fun activities I also made a lot of new and wonderful people. This is up to you, you can choose to hold on to something that is painful and destructive or you can choose to do what’s best for you. As I stated before, the world will end if this man is no longer in your life.
Gaynor,
You are not being too tough. You are forcing me to look at reality and I appreciate it GREATLY! Stick with me girlfriend!
Judy,
You got it!!!!!
Having a really tough time….fought the good fight but can’t seem to maintain no contact. I keep reaching out to him. Called him yesterday and had a nice conversation. Sent him 2 texts today and received no anwers to either one. UGH!!!!!!!!! Why can’t I stay away from him? I’m like a moth and he’s the candle.
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
YOU ARE BRILLIANT!! Absolutely Brilliant. I found this site 6 weeks ago after getting dumped in January (he disappeared from the face of the earth) and it is paramount in helping me get my act together…It has not been a smooth ride…but when I am feeling weak or down…I read another post to reinforce my resolve. THANK YOU SO MUCH…
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