“I met a guy at work, who at the time had a long distance relationship going on 5 years. We somehow started talking at work and soon, we were IMing all day long. At the beginning, I had no feelings for him. He was just a cool guy at work that I started talking to. But slowly, it turned into something. He showered me with attention, we started eating lunch everyday, walking to and from work (1 hour walks each way). It seemed that we could not get enough of each other’s company.
Then it turned into physical, very slowly, until we were totally and completely involved. By this time, his girlfriend had moved here and they lived together, but he continued to text me all the time, he called me while he was on vacation with his friends, we made date night plans and ate out at nice restaurants all the time. I knew it was wrong, and that it had to stop, but he was this addicting drug to me. It also didn’t help that I was falling in love with him, and it was the first time I had ever fell in love with anyone.
His relationship with his gf was odd. He slept on the couch, they never went out, and to this day, I don’t even know what she looks like. When we would start talking about “us”, he would tell me that he was really confused and that if things were different, he would be dating me. But he kept saying how long they had been dating and ending a relationship like that was so difficult….so I waited….and waited.
It was at this time that things were slowly unraveling between us. I was becoming more and more jealous, insecure, needy, and dependent. He was becoming more distant. We still talked everyday cause we worked together, but there was a definite change. We seemed to get into fights a lot. Mostly cause I wanted more, and he felt that anytime he talked to me, I would make him feel like shit.
Then one day, I found out he was starting to talk to another girl at work…..I confronted him about it and he denied it. But I could see it with my own eyes. The most painful part was seeing him do the same thing he did with me, with her. The IMing all day long, the stories, the jokes, etc. I had thought I was special, but now it didn’t seem so. Basically, that went on for weeks as I stupidly was continuing to hook up with him, thinking that would win him. I was heartbroken, and things came to a head at work as everyone soon found out about us. He was so angry at me for telling my friends at work about us that he stopped talking to me. That was honestly the lowest 2 months of my life. But I had incredibly supportive friends and a therapist and I tried to go about it in the right way.
I was starting to get over him, very slowly. Then one day, I got an email from him saying how sorry he was that he turned his back on his “best friend”. But not one mention of his hurtful behaviour in regards to the new girl. At this point, he’d broken up up with his girlfriend, and he told me the reason he started talking to the new girl was because he needed to get away from that relationship, and that in a way, I was part of that old relationship.
So, he reached out to me, and I finally let him have it. I let everything out - I told him he was manipulative, mean, and hurtful. I told him that I was over him (which was just a survival tactic on my part), that I would never be able to trust him, and that I was too good for him. He apologized and told me all he wanted was his best friend back. For some reason, I forgave him. He is now dating the new girl, of which he now complains to me about. I know he is very toxic for me, but for some reason, I can’t say no to him. Recently, we were commuting home from work together, and we ended up hooking up again (I know, very bad of me!)…..basically, this VERY long explanation leads me to my question.
I can’t get past it and I’ve asked everyone, including my therapist. So, how was he able to date someone else less than 2 months after his breakup and not me? He would not break up with his girlfried for me, but said he would date me if they weren’t together. But then they break up, and he can’t date me because “it’s too soon”. This question has made me lose what little self esteem I had; it made me question my entire being.
Was I not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough? He has recently told me that he is still not over me and he tells me how great and how beautiful I am, but if he means this, then why did he not choose me? I know I would not want to be chosen, as he has proved himself to be a liar and a cheat, and being his gf means being screwed over but I can’t get that question out of my head.
The good news is that my last week at my job is next week, and in a perfect world, I would leave and never talk to him again. But in reality, I know that will be the hardest thing, even though I know he is self involved, manipulative, and emotionally and physically unavailable (and it doesn’t help I live 3 doors away from him).
NML says: The key thing when you meet someone and contemplate embarking on a relationship is registering red flags and doing something with the information. The key information that screams red alert is the fact that he was in a long distance relationship for 5 years. Who the frick does long distance for FIVE years? This guy is on some sort of serious avoidance trip!
Now what is clear is that this man is a classic Mr Unavailable. He clearly had commitment issues with his hocus pocus relationship, he was hot out the gate in pursuit, doing the build up through talking and IM’ng and suddenly slipping into your life. Many women say that their emotionally unavailable men’s pursuit was subtle and that it just “somehow” happened but it is part of their M.O. They turn up the attention and draw you in, creating the illusion of a false connection, which in turn makes you believe that you’ve met this amazing guy, who is your soulmate because he appears to say and do all of the right things.
Now what I don’t understand is that for his girlfriend to move in with him, this must have meant a serious shift in the dynamic of the relationship, a push for further commitment and to take the relationship in the right direction, but the fact that this guy was pursuing you and then sleeping with you even whilst she had already made the move shows that this guy had no intentions of being committed to this woman or to you. He was trying to avoid the reality of what was happening with her and you’ve essentially been used as a diversion and a stepping stone. Ending a five year relationship is difficult but one of the things that people do with extended long distance relationships is that they rationalise it somewhere in their mind that it’s not like a ‘real’ relationship because they aren’t together all the time, but on the other hand, they find it difficult to let go of the person because they have something (and someone) to fall back on. Your guy is a classic Mr Unavailable, a narcissist that needs attention all the time. He will have loved having you falling for him and being taken in by him.
Truth be told, you don’t really know how his relationship was with his girlfriend. Do you have any idea how many men come out with crap like “I don’t sleep with her”;”We don’t share a bed”;”She sleeps on the sofa”? Even if what he’s saying is true, all it does is cement the fact that this guy and the relationships that he engages in are odd and dysfunctional. The whole timing and different situation thing is BS - Timing is what the emotionally unavailable man uses to hide away from committing to you or to doing things. The situation thing is a flimsy excuse because it is what it is. You’re not in Back To The Future, you can’t turn back time, and if he knows that he can’t be more, why he is he messing with you?
I noted that you live three doors from him - Are you sure that this girl even existed? Whatever he had going with her when she was living with him must have been a very covert operation!
The danger with being taken in by a man like this is you start to believe that you’re irresistible and that he just HAS to be with you and that’s why he’s doing what he’s doing with you. He’s actually doing it because he’s a user and he can’t commit to anything, which means he can’t commit to being with you (or her) and he can’t commit to not being with you.
What he did at work was very brazen and shocking. It was incredibly disrespectful but I doubt that he even recognises how his behaviour actually is or perceived. I sense that him being with her may actually be a result of being inadvertently out in the open. He can’t be covert about it and he’s probably telling himself that he’s not as dishonest as his peers may perceive him, because “Look, I’m going out with this one in the open!”. All of this competing for his attention, whether it was with the ex or the current girl must be exhausting. You may feel that by getting him that you would win, but actually you are losing. He is devaluing you with his behaviour and trying to compete naturally affects your self-esteem. It must have been soul-destroying to witness his behaviour, confront him about it, AND have him choose to be with the other girl and my heart goes out to you.
This is not about her, or you, it’s about him. He operates in a certain way and right now, whatever she is doing allows him to be his usual dishonest, emotionally unavailable self. You already know that all is not well in that garden because he is slagging her off to you. It’s not about her looks, her figure, her brains, or how well she sexes him, or whatever. Part of him being with the current woman may be about proving to others and himself that he is capable of being honest and engaging in a normal relationship, but he’s not. He’s still emotionally unavailable and he’s still lying. I suspect that you and this girl are just two of many girls that he has been with in this manner - the pursuing, showering with attention, the so-called friendship, and I doubt that either of you will be the last.
You expected more because you felt like you had fallen for him but you must realise that when you have relationships with men like this, it is like self-sabotage. You are in a situation that goes against everything that you profess to want and all he’ll think is that he has bitten off more than he can chew.
At the end of the day, you did the right thing by telling him to take a run and jump and the fact that he’s taken up with someone else doesn’t really mean anything in the grander scheme of things. This man needs attention and doesn’t actually care about the women he’s involved with. You may represent the idea that you’ll expect more from him and to be fair, even if you fancy him on some levels, you actually know what he’s really like. His latest victim has no clue and he gets his fix of attention and she doesn’t realise that he’ll start under-delivering on her expectations and his promises all too soon.
And now for the brutal honesty. This guy is not your friend. Stop listening to his sh*te and certainly don’t allow him to moan to you about his current girlfriend. Stop competing for his crap attention and realise that when you involve yourself with a man like this, it’s out of a lack of self love. Somewhere within, you don’t think you’re worthy of something better than a man who throws you some crumbs. You are seeking out relationships that reflect what you believe about yourself and this man is using you. Little do you realise, but he has you pegged as a fall back. He’ll probably try to start sleeping with you again soon, so you’d end up playing second fiddle again. Chalk up the ‘accidental’ booty call as a slip up and put yourself on mega lockdown.
He is toying with you and literally taking you for a ride. All the stuff he’s saying to you is giving you just enough to keep you invested. He needs to feel that you want him…even though in reality he doesn’t want you. What’s his excuse now? He hasn’t got five years or it’s complicated to fall back on this time. His new relationship is barely out of the gate! Don’t try to rationalise why her and not you because with these men there is no logic or reason to fully satisfy you and Mr Unavailable’s tend to be with women that make it easy for them to be themselves. At the end of the day, do you really need to know why a lying, cheating, deceiving, weak, morally lacking man, chose someone else not you? It sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape.
When you leave your job, leave him behind and reconnect with yourself. Move if you have to but cut off contact! You have wasted enough time on this guy already and don’t give yourself to men that don’t deserve it. You are so much better than this, you just need to start believing it.
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17 responses so far ↓
1 Grace // Dec 12, 2007 at 3:18 pm
boy, do i ever agree with NML!
and i too feel for you. what a rotten situation - but not so much of an unusual one as you seem to think……..most women just wouldn’t want to ADMIT to being used this badly - so they are less likely to talk about it………which might be why you aren’t aware that this sort of crap goes on all the time with selfish ‘men’ like that.
the reason i feel strongly enough to respond to you, is that something vaguely similar has happened to me - of course lots of details are different, but he was definitely a Mr Unavailable as long as he was around a wonderful woman (i.e. me), and a few other women i’m aware of - but eventually i heard that he had MARRIED a complete slut (excuse my language - but believe me, HERS is far worse……….)
so HE was unavailable until the ‘right’ person FOR HIM turned up. and the right person for him was someone who i could not be in a million years, and who i would not want to be.
and every now and then, i delude myself that he will turn up and want me back! but WHY? if that’s what he wants , and i can’t BE that, then i can’t BE what he wants - so i would only ever be a consolation prize. is that who you want to be with? someone who doesn’t really want YOU?
no way jose. that’s asking for trouble.
frankly you (and i) are better off alone. (believe it or not.) but i DO miss the sex - and even THAT was all what HE wanted.
hope something in my ramblings here has helped you to rise above.
like NML says: Move out and move on. Get right out of his pathway. Don’t provide a forwarding address. Change your number and your email. Get new friends (Easier said than done, but look at it as an opportunity.)
Remember: “The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone”! Good Luck.
2 Ashley // Dec 12, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Wow do I identify and did I need to read this posting on Baggage Reclaim. I have a similar story with a Mr. Unavailable - working together, the best friend part, the making me feel special, the great sex, the other woman and the breakup. Mine wasn’t married but at the end of the day - all the stories are very much the same when the guy is unavailable to you.
I have been missing him. I’ve been missing the fun, the talks, the laughter and the sex. But the bad times were horrible. We broke up about three and a half months ago. It was a clean break because I found out how he’d lied about telling me he loved me. I won’t get into the details but I was devastated and I hit rock bottom. I felt like a fool and all he could say was “you know you are not a fool and you know I care about you.” To which I resolutely told him where he could shove it and told him why he was such a farce and how he’d lost all credibility with me.
He hasn’t tried to get me back. Sometimes I wish he would - but then I remember how horribly he made me feel, how low my esteem was and how far I’ve come in a few months.
So thank you for the post. I totally empathize. But - I agree with the other responder - he’s not your friend. Focus on people that treat you right. Sure, it may not be the same, but eventually, you will feel much more happy and healthy without him in your life. You may still miss him sometimes, but I think that is natural. We all like attention and when we don’t have the romantic kind, we think back fondly to the last person we had or fell for. Hang in there - have faith that it will happen for you. That’s what I keep telling myself - easier said than done I know.
3 Brad K. // Dec 12, 2007 at 7:45 pm
This guy sounds ignorant and confused. He seems to like the closeness, and the warmth of getting to know a new girlfriend. He seems to have learned that part, enjoys it, and shares that comfort.
But. He apparently doesn’t have a clue about what comes next. The closest he comes is to let things fall apart, then try to start over. That leaves him working in the ‘just starting’ euphoria stage that he does pretty well at.
Major problem. He doesn’t know where to go with the relationship. He isn’t working for a stable relationship, and doesn’t appear to know what a committed relationship should be - or he wouldn’t try to meet one partner before closing things off with the previous. I agree with NML - it isn’t clear whether the first, long-range then live-in, girlfriend exists or is even female. This is one seriously confused (in the long term) dude.
Because he doesn’t have a goal past ‘get acquainted and start getting physical’, he has learned to deceive himself and others. He is also dishonest and disrespectful to his partners, because he is looking to others for comfort while still jerking around the current ‘comfort’ date.
In the near term, the guy doesn’t seem that dangerous. I wouldn’t worry about the guy as someone to work with. But think of him as the boss’s daughter - someone you have to be very careful around, with every word, with every look. And not someone you will be dating this century.
Hint: If you have to be the one to recognize the disrespect and dishonor of a guy coming on when he enjoys the attentions of another woman - he doesn’t have enough honor or respect for you to risk getting to know him.
Also, if you keep your focus on the reason for courting and mating - making a life home - it will be easier to spot the guys hung up at detours.
4 Ashley // Dec 12, 2007 at 8:19 pm
One other thing I meant to add - it’s so easy to ask “wasn’t I good enough or pretty enough?”. I’ve asked it many times myself in my situation. But - I don’t think his rejecting you is about you. I’m sure he thinks you are very desireable and fun. He rejected you in the end because he couldn’t give you what you wanted. He’s fine with you having him on his terms - but at the end of the day - his terms are only going to make you feel badly.
Focus on those that give you the kind of relationship you want - whether that be in a friendship, working relationship etc… Any less - keep them at a distance.
I don’t think you can be friends with this guy. Your feelings and emotions will only get mixed up and it’s going to keep you from recognizing someone with good intentions towards you.
Good luck!
5 Alison // Dec 12, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Argh! I had the EXACT same thing at work a few years ago! The guy ended up going out with the girl I was managing, it was horrid. The answer is very simple and has been said already, but as a little practical tip, whenever you feel yourself asking ‘why…?’ remember the answer to it all is ‘he is lying’ and say it to yourself at least three times in a row. His lying is what elucidates the mystery of his behaviour - why do you believe you weren’t good enough before you will believe he is a lying *rse? I know, because you have feelings for him - but don’t let that cloud your mind. Good luck.
6 SEC // Dec 12, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Thanks so much for everyone’s comments! I really appreciate all the advice everyone has given me. Truth be told, at this point, I think what I’m feeling is a combination of a broken heart and a bruised ego.
I know at this point, it just doesn’t even matter anymore, cause as NML states, no answer will be satisfying in addition to the fact that no one will ever know the real motive to his actions towards me was. But one question, Ashley - you think that his rejecting me was because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. But all I wanted was a “normal” relationship, which I assume that is what this other girl wanted too, and he was able to give that to her so easily and so quickly after breaking up with his longterm GF, which was one of the main reasons he told me he couldn’t be with me.
I know I should not care about him anymore, and I just need to worry about me cause no matter what, I can’t change him or anyone for that matter. It’s just very hard to not take it personally I suppose, and everytime I think about it, it just brings back the hurt all over again. I suppose I should just stop thinking about it :-).
7 Ashley // Dec 12, 2007 at 10:39 pm
SEC - Sure, I guess you are saying that he gave more of his time to the new g.f. or to his ex - but -you really don’t know what those relationships were like. The time he spends with them could be filled with content or interaction that would have been totally unacceptable to you.
I’ve felt the same way about my situation. It really, really, stinks. I totally empathise.
One book that helped me was “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” specifically the part that requires a 60 day “he-tox”. I highly recommend it.
Ashley
8 Grace // Dec 13, 2007 at 8:33 am
great advice, Ashley!
especially: “He rejected you, in the end, because he couldn’t give you what YOU wanted. He’s fine with you having him on HIS terms - but, at the end of the day - HIS terms are only going to make you feel badly. ”
that’s very insightful, Ashley.
i am probably twice the age of all of you, but i’m still single, so i’m still in this position. sorry to have to let you know that even experienced, mature, ‘ should-know-better’-aged people, still fall for CRAP. especially when sexual attraction is involved - it’s CHEMICAL. it’s BEYOND your cognitive control. & some men are so GOOD at it……….(the crap, i mean).
it’s been 2 years since i saw ‘my’ (NOT/NEVER ‘my’) bloke, and a year since he married, but BECAUSE NO-ONE ELSE HAS APPEALED, he is still the only one i think of. even though, on an objective level, i know better.
absolutely the quickest, least-painfree solution is someone new…..
i DO still ask myself “why am *I* not enough?” the answer is because i am NOT a wildly uncontrollable, selfish, risk-taking, foul-mouthed, bisexual slut - like the woman he married…………
they DESERVE each other - and, sooner or later, HE’ll feel the pain *I* felt, because she WILL treat him as badly, in return - which i would never have done………
sorry to rave on about mySELF but i still need to lecture myself severly and often……….
~ find a POSITIVE way to answer that “why not me?” question - because that is the one that can bring you down!
9 Nada // Dec 13, 2007 at 9:51 am
Don’t you just love it when they say you’re their “best friend” or “soulmate” - *after* having dumped you? So you are meant to feel special, because after all, he really does feel something for you that he doesn’t feel for the others…aagh!
10 audrey // Dec 13, 2007 at 2:33 pm
“Unavailable’s tend to be with women that make it easy for them to be themselves. At the end of the day, do you really need to know why a lying, cheating, deceiving, weak, morally lacking man, chose someone else not you? It sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape.” This is so true. An unavailable dude i wasted time on told me once during a heated conversation that he liked women who were easy, not sexually easy, but easy accomodating. He screamed at me, YOU ARE NOT EASY. (but in essence i was because i kept taking him on) I told him i was no doormat and would never be easy for him. slammed door walked out. He still kept coming round after that. That little bit of feist kept him interested. He liked easy, he liked a challenge. In the end, he loved attention. He needed me he needed to know all women found him the hottest dude in the room. I hated him for that. Really. He used to go out to clubs and tell me oh al the girls around we need them to get us in to the clubs. real poser. Then i found out mr. hot stuff, banker vp, relationship screw up was doing coke…. Ok, now things really hit a wall. His weird phone calls telling me things that were so out of place and how he needed me had to have me and i meant so much to him. and then he would say things to me that made no sense. I had an inkling it was drugs but he fliply mentioned his coke habit which he hid and now he doesn’t remember saying it… isn’t that a pip! also i see he is completely unable to understand how to treat a woman. i thought it was me…. and now i see it wasn’t. in a way yes because i saw his issues and kept him in my life. i thought he is my one. not…. but still he played a good game and i know he cares for me in his own way. but it isn’t enough. i am pretty hot intelligent sassy chick. i am just beginning to see myself again. but couple an emotionally unavailable dude with drugs to mask his own insecurities and wow…. well, to go back to what i started these guys do go for you if you are easy and accomodate. they don’t want you to find them out and when you do well sionara. they leave you or just get bold and tell them to f… off. a learning lesson i suppose. but still i am going through the pain. but it lessens each day and i smile more and more knowing i don’t have to take his stupid stuff anymore.
11 Brad K. // Dec 13, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Audrey,
I wonder if you couldn’t get the police to help you get a ‘breathing space’ separation from the guy.
File a criminal complaint. State that you didn’t see any drugs, the guy got incoherent at times, and he claimed to be doing cocaine. Keep a copy of the complaint. Mail a copy to the guy. Even if the police won’t follow up, this should annoy the guy enough to make his stop bothering you. Else go back and file a second complaint, for stalking. “If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”
Besides, you don’t want a reputation .. for hanging out with druggies. Guys that aren’t into drugs will avoid you like an addict. And you certainly don’t want to get caught up in any investigation when the guy eventually crashes and burns. (Note, be pretty sure how you feel about this guy, first. It would be difficult to get away with, “Oops. Sorry about filing a complaint.”)
12 heather // Dec 14, 2007 at 12:00 am
what i want to know is.. whoever asked this question.. do u EVER sit there and think of how the women hes dating and living with feel about this, or would if they knew? U now what goes around comes around.. maybe hes not WITH you because well u were the other women once why wouldnt u be again? and if he knows ur gonna let him drag u thru dirt I am sure as hell sure he aint gonna be sweeping that dirt away anytime soon.
13 Brad K. // Dec 14, 2007 at 7:53 am
Heather, Does she ever think of how many people she is in intimate contact with, just once or twice removed, in very short periods of time?
As for him choosing to misuse the lady because she was willing to be ‘the other woman’ - the odds are he has never thought about how his actions and choices affect his partners. He may not care, but he more likely never thought to consider - to take responsibility for - treating her like, well, a lady, beyond simple manners and courtesies. Whether she behaved as a lady or not.
14 ALD // Dec 20, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Oh Boy! If we would have only knew early on. I have had the same situation. Worked with the guy, live a few blocks from him (that sucks), thought he was so cool, his ‘friends’ still do, let him into my heart, home, family and went on a paradise vacation that was the “best of his life, best times with me, best sex and you name it”.
Every time we went to a new stage in what most people would be able to admit was a relationship, the b%&#tard would start sobbing and tell me how bad his old relationships were and how he had been wronged. Finally (just two weeks after the “best trip of his life”), he told me he was in love with me (sobbing) and needed time away. That was just days after he blew me off when we had a date. He said he just went to the bar and closed the place. I was “in love” and believed him.
Of course, he waited a while and contacted me to tell me that he was going to get some help and he missed me…. We went out, were back in the sack within a few weeks and just a few nights after thatI caught him leaving the bar where I was supposed to meet him with another girl.
Six months have gone by and now he has started openly dating his next victim - an old but good looking lady - one who was always at the bar on the day of the week we had our date that he blew me off on. Now I have the final pieces of the mind f&%k he put me through. I am sure he had a fling and realized once again he is a jerk so had to go cold. All the things he said at the time should have gave me more of a clue than I took.
I am still struggling to heal from this mess. It is sometimes hard to get out of bed in the morning. I am praying every day to get stronger. I know I am a good, cute, fun, loving person and not a liar. I just got messed up with a bad one that will never respect people or love the way I do. I feel for you and hope we both grow from this. A good read is “Men Who Can’t Love”. You will see a definite pattern and there will be several of his behaviors to identify with that are in the book. Try to be able to trust again. That is what I hope I will be able to do when the time / person is right. Love your real friends. They will always be there – people like him will not.
15 NY Tanning // Dec 22, 2007 at 10:04 am
Thanks the comment is delightful.
I like your diary..
Thanks
16 ITC // Mar 24, 2008 at 11:06 pm
I can’t believe how similar your experience is to mine. From been coworkers and living nearby him, to him befriending another woman at work and going back to his gf and the question: why her and not me? The only difference is that the little piece of sh*t is marring his gf next month and I found about it last Tuesday and I can’t leave work. Last night I was seriously considering taking a lot of sleeping pills but reading NML’s blogs, book and specially her advice to you made me feel much better and see things clearly. She’s right. They are not worth it and yes, we had a lucky break. I hope you started leaving this jerk behind and enjoying a new life and a new job.
17 NML // Mar 25, 2008 at 10:54 am
ITC, I was very shocked to read your comment and I hope that you are continuing to feel more positive. This man doesn’t deserve that kind of energy. I recognise how he has marginalised you with his behaviour but he’s an assclown and she will have bigger problems on her hands. It will get better but whatever you do, don’t base your value on his treatment of you. The biggest blow to their egos is when you just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Big hugs NML x
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