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The way the world tells it, dating is hard, there are less decent guys to date, women have a finite amount of time before they pass their ’sell by date’ whilst men seem to have all the time in the world, and there’s an element of suck it and see and work with what we have.
Throw in the fact that there are a lot of emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) and assclowns out there, and that many of us struggle with low self-esteem, and you would be inclined to believe that you have to ’settle’ and that love is an elusive thing that comes in a package of drama and ambiguity.
All the settling and relationship dumbing down to accommodate men in the hope of getting the relationship we profess to want has me wondering, are we giving up on love?
I don’t believe in settling. It doesn’t mean you opt for creating standards that no-one can meet, but settling is a path to misery.
Settling sets you up to wonder about the should, woulda, coulda’s and its very nature, has you seemingly placing yourself in a position of accepting something that ordinarily you wouldn’t, because you feel like you’ve run out of options or that you don’t want to take a chance on you and believe that a healthy, loving relationship with a healthy, loving mate is out there.
The trouble is, when you don’t like or an awful lot and have poor love habits, you have a tendency to have little or no boundaries, and unwittingly find yourself behaving like someone that has no options.
You choose men that reflect the negative things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships and in turn they appear to remove your options.
Think about it – there you are sticking to that one man like glue wondering if and when things will get better, or wondering what that one man is thinking, saying, doing right now because you’ve become obsessed with thinking about him and the relationship because you wonder what you could have done differently to change things.
There’s that one man you keep letting come back into your life because you think things will be different this time or that one man who you’re wondering why he chose her instead of you. It may even be that every time we meet a guy, we’re wondering if he’s The One even though he has familiar behaviours that we recognise from other poor relationships, or we haven’t even gotten to know him yet and seen whether he is a suitable mate.
The strange thing is that more often than not we know that the man in question is not right for us because he makes us miserable, has so far demonstrated that he is incapable of giving us the relationship we want, and makes the act of staying within boundary lines and treating you with love, trust, care and respect like hard labour.
Why are we banking on one option or treating a guy that has failed to see our value and who has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship or behave with decency, as if he is the only man who is capable of ‘loving’ us or us ‘loving’ them?
You have got to stop believing that this is as good as it gets.
You’ve got to stop limiting your options because in doing so, you’re creating limited thinking and then in turn choosing limited partners. They limit what you can expect by managing down your expectations and limit your hope by blowing hot and cold so you never know what to expect or which way your relationship is headed.
As I’ve said before, if we give up on love, we give up on ourselves.
In banking everything on that one guy it’s like saying, I give up on me.
There is life beyond this one guy. In fact, there is love beyond this one guy.
But your own capacity to love will be limited as long as you keep yourself closed to truly liking and loving yourself.
It’s very easy to say you love someone when there’s not a cat’s hope in hell of him actually delivering the relationship you want and it ends up catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy where you get to believe that all men and relationships are like this, or that there must be something wrong with you.
You can’t truly welcome love or truly love someone until you start to treat yourself with love, care, respect, and trust. If you’ve inadvertently given up on love as a result of your beliefs, even though you may be appearing to seek to challenge them, the negative beliefs are sabotaging your success.
At the end of the day, trying to challenge your beliefs by trying to find a man is not the answer. Challenge your beliefs by addressing your own feelings about love so you go out there as a positive woman who feels positive about herself so that she can find positive love.
There will always be chumps and there will always be people with ‘issues’ but you don’t have to be with these guys and in you learning to like and love you, which in turn means that you trust yourself because you have boundaries that allow you to exercise judgement, you teach people how to treat you and what to expect from you, and those that don’t want to play by your basic rules, need to step.
If more assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s heard the word ‘No’ and had their options closed because women were less accepting of their behaviour, you’d see a lot more of these guys being forced to adapt their behaviour.
We’ve got to start believing in love again. Not fairy tale assclown or Mr Unavailable love, where you choose a poor partner and get him to go from cockroach to frog to prince, after you triumph over a few adversities, but love of the healthy kind. The kind that starts with you.
We’ve got to believe in love by breaking away from the familiarity that a lot of these men and the poor relationships bring and getting uncomfortable with the unfamiliarity of healthier options.
Get uncomfortable and pull yourself out of your comfort zone and start truly embracing the possibility of love and a healthy relationship by letting go of the illusion of that one Mr Unavailable or assclown, and embracing the one you.
Your thoughts?
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Brad……
I completely agree that keeping an active online profile when you’re in a relationship is totally wrong. I faced this issue with my ex and it was one of the first red flags that popped up in our relationship. He never met an ex he didn’t want to stay in touch with. These women were always IM’ing him and we had several fights about it. Even when we became exclusive and took down our online profiles I found he continued online communication through IM. So I consider online profiles, constant IMing or txting to be very intrusive in a relationship. There is only one reason a man would continue to do that and that’s to keep his options open and receive ego strokes from other women. Whenever I would object to his IM’mg he would say they were only friends and try to make it look like there was something wrong with me for objecting to it. This is a huge problem in a relationship and EUM’s love online communication because it’s a very lazy way to stay connected and EUM”s are almost always lazy communicators.
Anusha…
On the NC question, I would say if you were involved with an EUM that NC is probably permanent because as soon as you give them the slightest attention they take it as a sign you’re interested again and may start pursuing you. You’ll find yourself back to square one emotionally. If you’re not interested in being in the “friend zone”, which to me is just a demotion from gf, then what is the point? I think if you meet them in a social setting or have to work with them you can be cordial but I don’t see anyway keeping in contact with them, even months after a breakup, would be beneficial.
miimaa
When they say they love you but don’t want to be in realtionship…LISTEN. I heard that a year ago, and I still hung on and believed I could make him want to be with me. We were together 1.5 years and he played the I’m not ready card…NOT READY? If I would have listened 1.5 years ago when we started this, I wouldn’t be so devastated right now. When someone shows you their true self….believe them. I am so in love with this man and he wants to stay friends, it is very hard to do that when you have strong feelings. I told him if I had only wanted to be friends, I wouldn’t have given him my heart in the first place. I am working very hard at getting over this. But I do believe that men who use this for an excuse, will never commit to you if they know you are ok with this scenario. Doormat or fallback girl comes to mind. Run the other way and don’t look back!
I probably have a bad slant on things – but sounds like he’s keeping you on a string right now for his own benefit. He wants his freedom, but he doesnt want you to have yours (emotionally anyway). He knows you care about him and seems to be using that power at the moment to keep you interested in him, even when he’s not ready for a relationship with you.
He may also know or sense that you are worried that he is your last great hope at finding someone — so he figures you’ll stick around and wait for him no matter what? (Seems like a bad position to be in for you!)
What bothers me a little is his use of the victim card – he feels bad about what he’s doing. If he feels so bad, why is he doing it?
I’m a cynic – so I think if there is no one else right now, there at least may be the possibility of someone else and this is the core of why he ‘cant be in a relationship right now’. Maybe he thinks if shares that part with you — you’d be gone. If he phrases it as – he cant be in a relationship right now – that’s easier for you to live with and you’ll stick around until he’s ‘ready.’
Just my 2 cents – like I said though – I’m a little cynical right now so take it with a grain of salt
miima, how sad, and butterfly raises a good point… not everyone who takes a step back, or freaks out or whatever is EUM/ EUW. But what is important is how willing they are to work with the things that drove the emo unavailable behavior when it causes a problems in the relationship. Or as NML said somewhere ( paraphrased) ….what happens after the negative behavior occurs ? There is plenty of good info all over this site to help you take a hard look at the relationship.
My best friend has been married to an EUM for decades. It’s a tough road but she is fully committed to raising her kids and working on herself so she does not get taken down by the worst of his hurtful behavior. He does not cheat but he’s just so “not there” so often.
But, he also sees that there is a problem and is willing to work on it some. Slow going, but luckily my friend has the patience of a saint. I recently read a bit of a book her therapist highly recommended and found it really worthy. It’s called Hold Me Tight… it addresses the core of insecurity that drives a lot of the EUM behavior, and includes insights in how both parties can work on it.
I think something that gets people to attempt to talk honestly at the first sign of this EU business is the best hope. Lots of people get scared, do stupid things, take steps backwards, based on fears and insecurities. But is it does not dealt with the EU behavior can spiral downward into drama and longing and other assorted hurtful and unhealthy stuffs.
And if a person is not willing to address it intelligently, in a meaningful way, that certainly is a sign of a pretty unsatisfying relationship ahead. uhhh, ask me how I know
)
That’s the thing about this site: can reply on the people to be there for us!
miimaa, I do think you have perhaps misunderstood NML’s post though. Take some time to read some of the other articles, because her message is meant to be positive in that we should not be wasting our time, spirit and love on men (or women) who CAN’T love us back and are not themselves wanting to change. What she is not saying is “hang on in there” in a bad circumstance …
I’m glad there’s others around for you, I am not so much use today, I’m backsliding a lot (maybe subconciously I know it’s now longer than it ever was without contact? maybe it’s cos my other ex is moving in with someone he doesn’t love, has told me he wants me back and just a whole mishmash of hurt feelings there – truly, I wish him to be happy, even though I know the chances for him are low and that he will hurt this girl in the process because he is not over me even more than I am still struggling with thoughts of my ex-ass today). I’m putting it down to period cramps!!
Thank you all.
Butterfly… I didn’t read her post as saying to stick with a bad situation but as don’t give up believing that there is someone out there that will love and cherish you.
Life can sure look gloomy for a lonely lady and I’m lonely now. It’s hard to stay positive and believe that you will be loved by a good man when you look around and see nothing. No one. The spot next to you in bed is cold. Dinner alone most nights. Television keeps you company.
Oh I go out and have people to call but you know what I mean. I liked sleeping next to him, with his arms around me. I liked cooking dinner together, watching tv together. That kind of stuff is what I miss and it’s not the same with a girlfriend or a cat or a dog. It’s lonely and it makes me angry! Angry that he is a mess right now and doesn’t know which way is up, angry that he’s running away because it wasn’t hard being together, angry that he’s gone, angry that he tells me he misses me but he’s there and I’m here.
What about when the EUM is one way in the begining of the relationship and other later? I mean how to reconize he is EUM if he is acting like a normal guy?
@myalmostlover — Thanks for posting your perspective of the online dating profile issue. My EUM and I met in person so I didn’t know he had an active online dating profile until well after we were exclusive and later in the relationship. I indirectly confronted him about it and he removed it, or hid it, who knows. He probably felt safe keeping an active profile thinking I wouldn’t ever be on the site. Before I knew about his profile, we had conversations about online dating. I told him I thought it seemed to be more of a virtual world of fantasy. He said he’d met some very nice people through online dating. He talked about how it was an ego boost when someone tags you as a favorite. I responded, “It depends on who tags you as a favorite” to which he responded, “You’re not normal.”
On another note, during the relationship I only knew about one ex that my EUM maintained contact with. They consulted with each other abut their relationships and got together occasionally. He never hid this from me and I always thought it was very strange. I knew she still had the hots for him but he was insistent that this wasn’t the case. One night he called me up all frantic because she had tried to come onto him. He seemed genuinely shocked but I thought to myself, if she tried to come onto him he must have been giving out some signal!! WEIRD!!
Looking back, he likely had a slew of other exes and fallback girls that he kept in touch with electronically. With us, he never wanted to use text messages or e-mail, said he didn’t understand why people communicate this way when they can use the phone. Looking back, I’m sure he was engaged in LOTS of electronic communication through the online dating site and likely with his fallback harem. So what gives?? Why was he so opposed to communicating through this format with me?? Perhaps his intent was to create an image of himself to me that was contrary to who he really is.
Anusha: Imean how to reconize he is EUM if he is acting like a normal guy?
I think people tell us who they are, but sometimes we just don’t want to see or hear it. We project our ideals onto them and give them the qualities we wish (or assume) they had. I think there’s a point when we start to feel uneasy or unsettled or insecure (warning sign!!!) but we ignore that feeling, especially if we’ve invested any time/emotion in the man. They say it usually takes 3-5 months for the infatuation to wear off and a person to show their true colors. Might be wise to hold back a bit, not jump into anything, be a little more reserved, a little more aware… I think unless we recover and heal from the AC/EUM “addiction” we’re going to zero in on the same type of men (or they’ll zero in on us) so it’s important to pay attention…. “butterflies” in the stomach could really be nausea… the AC/EUM making us sick again.
Giving up on love doesn’t mean that I’m feeling sorry for myself (very often) or that I’m bitter. I’ve been “loved by a good man.” But I’ve never been “looking” and wasn’t expecting to fall into this strange and wonderful (and passionate and joyful and heartbreaking etc,etc,etc)relationship. For I’ve found myself to be the OW, you see. And after this I will have nothing left, for I plan to patiently expend every bit of my romantic soul.
We often write about the AC that walks away without trying to resolve problems, that is scared of intimacy, that won’t be responsible or handle conflicts, that won’t take a leap of faith. I won’t be that AC .
So what is, is. I’m too old to do this again and if this once I can’t have my happily-ever-after, then I give up. But that’s just me. I still plan to have a strong, self-confident life.
You’re right, miimaa, there aren’t many good ones our age – we ALL have baggage at this point! I hope he gets his head together to see what a treasure you are.
Anusha, you need to download NML’s book: Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl, this will answer a lot of your questions. If you want to know the warning signs, this is a must read. Have you read her other posts, like “How to spot Mr. Emotionally Unavailable”?
Search her posts, when I first found this website I was reading a whole weekend, would shower and eat, read some more and was like OMG, OMG. This site is packed with great information.
TJ, about the “butterflies”, I used to feel that way and then realized this sick feeling was because I was walking on eggshells.
miimaa, I hope you don’t mean that, there are good people out there at any age, so don’t feel that you are too old to find the right partner.
Age has nothing to with that, I think that a@@clown get worse with age, because they are messed up to begin with, for a normal person, male or female, the mind does not change just the body.
A screwed up person is screwed up period, at the age of 20, 30,40 and so on, doesn’t matter, screwed up is screwed up.
I have not giving up on love, my life is good so far, if a great partner can enrich my life, that would just be great.
Miimaa,
I was thinking about your posts today, and I hear what you wrote about you about being lonely and thinking that your man who has asked for space from you might have been “the one.”
I don’t know how you found this web-site, but you must have been seeking answers and looking for support.
If you and this fellow are meant to be together, I hope you two can work on it together and find a good plan for the rest of your lives.
But, if you are feeling lonely and unsure, and you don’t know for sure how he feels anymore, it might be time to move past it and figure out what is next for your life.
From my own experience, the loneliness can last awhile, but as you establish a break from him and get further away from it for awhile, if the guy doesn’t come back to you and really commit, you sort of have your answer as to where he stands. I don’t know if that makes sense.
There is a really good song that I’ve always loved, but just really currently applied to my life, and it is called “Good to be Lonely” or “It’s Good To Be Lonely” and it was written and performed by Julian Lennon.
Maybe you’re going through a time where “it’s good to be lonely.”
Even though it hurts right now, you’ll figure it out and be stronger eventually.
Best to you.
@miimaa – I do understand and sorry for my error. I’ve been telling my story in dribs and drabs as I can bear to – I know all about the empty bed. I am not proud of myself – I stayed for 10 years with someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive who also played the victim card AND I managed to get myself involved very distructively with my ex-ass probably cos he was making all the right noises and my need to change my life. When all that ended I have moved to another country, I hardly know anyone and far from “being unable to live without me” the first ex had a new girlfriend within three days … he is now moving in with her because he cant cope with life alone (I made myself poor by paying to move him into an apartment and moving our shared stuff which I bought and let him keep) … so I do know. I am 42, and I now live somewhere I consider highly unlikely to produce many opportunities to meet anyone as – how ironic – it is a country which really does still believe in marriage as a sacrement so they are all married.
Most of the people here have their support network of family, friends etc … I have nobody much and I can’t express myself in the local language, but I am going to ride out my year cos most of the time it is very rewarding.
The more I have thought about it, the more I think you probably are better telling him “come back when you are ready to commit” and then write him off. You are betting on potential … I’d read NML’s book personally. Hugs.
I don’t need to say much …just that I LOVE you all. There ya go , Love won’t die as long as I’m around.
Thank you Lisa. Really GOOD advice — “if the guy doesn’t come back to you and really commit, you sort of have your answer as to where he stands.”
and Butterfly thank you also for this — ” “come back when you are ready to commit†and then write him off. You are betting on potential”
We were childhood friends and it was easy to fall into comfortable friends and lovers relationship. It’s not the end of the world and in the big picture this is not going to ruin my life. I’m really feeling the disappointment and loss this week.
Thanks everyone. You are all great. It takes another set of eyes and another brain sometimes to see the light.
@Astelle-I read NML’s post about “How to spot a EUM”.The problem with my ex is that he wouldnt show any of the warning signs in the begining.He would act as a sweet guy that was very into the relationship.For example he would talk to me for hours and was always doing/saying something sweet.And later on the relationship I had to praticaly force him for him to talk with me for 2 hours.Is like he totaly changed.He showed later that he wasnt a guy that liked much contact and that wasnt sweet often but why on the begining of the relationship he was then? With the information I got here I guess maybe he was just blowing hot to get me and once he felt secure that I had felt for him he started blowing cold.Even though he wasnt acting like a EUM on the begining he didnt treat me very well so I guess that was something to watch out for too.
myalmostlover,
I see a different problem with keeping in touch with exes, with keeping an online profile while dating – with flirting with others while dating.
Whether you consider this sloppy relationship discipline, predatory habits, or refusal to commit – anyone that doesn’t understand that ending a relationship is necessary to be available for anyone will never have both feet in *any* relationship.
Consider a toddler, tottering from one bright and shiny object of attention to the next. Some are delights, some are terrors, and none hold the attention for more than moments.
The danger I see in keeping contact with exes, with flirting, and with paying attention to possible new bed mates – is that they aren’t *there* in the relationship. When you spend attention on others, you neglect your partner and yourself. It may be fun, like a trip to Six Flags. But Six Flags closes each day. They sweep up the debris, they empty the trash. But a toddler doesn’t want the day to end, to leave behind the fantasy and the memories. Parents learn (or should!) that vacations, special events, celebrations, indulgences – end. That we give ourselves to the experience, and if it ends, carry away the best parts (or the horror stories, or NML would be quietly writing her way to health with no company at all!).
What I mentioned about taking out trash is about the baggage, the emotional ties, and not a reference to people we part from. Carrying anger, disgust, fear – these are baggage that bind us to the past. Reclaiming control over our ties to the past, to dysfunctional and dangerous people, is one of many steps we can take to take control over our lives. This is not about forgiving or forgetting. Merely refusing to empower old ties will let them dwindle in relationship to concerns of the day, and let us move on with life.
The Tarot Major Arcana card 13, the death card, and the Lightning Struck Tower both symbolize the transition from what has gone before, to a changed life. Whether a traumatic destruction of what had been, or a quieter but more complete severing of what had been is *necessary*, to allow and embrace change, and to enter into the changed life to come. When he keeps contact with exes, he fails to let change occur – he relives what went before for the rest of his life. He can *not* be considered available, if he is distracted by others from the past, present, or future.
This is not about social faux pas like picking your nose in public. This is not about respect, exactly, or lying. The issue that concerns me is that someone that cannot let go telegraphs that they don’t understand how to hold on. They may never have seen a reason to let go of home, never found someone so wonderful they embrace them without looking back, that they never cut the apron strings to home or have never seen a reason to give themselves to a shared life.
I guess someone could choose a partner like this. You would have to assume that your partner would *never* be more involved with you than a close friend. Family would be habit, not a life goal. You would risk losing them to whim, distraction, or interference from others. They would likely be low maintenance – would neither need, nor be able to provide, much emotional support or involvement. Shallow, I think is the concept that comes to mind. On good days this would be an amiable companion. On bad days you would likely expect support and help that he would never, ever think was appropriate.
That is what bothers me about someone that can’t recognize the danger of keeping their ex in their lives. That they never make room for a life-mate.
@Anusha – I think you have answered your own question, and your ex was likely “blowing hot†at the beginning, and then started to blow cold when he knew you were developing feelings for him. I found the same with my ex-EUM. At first we would chat for hours, almost every night, sometimes till really late even though both of us had to get up early the next day. Sometimes I would suggest it was time to go, and sometimes he would. But *he* always asked when we could chat next. Then, after about 3 months, and after I told him I was developing feelings for him, he started to communicate less often, and he would start to end our chats after shorter and shorter periods of time. And then he went to the “I’m good with chatting once a week, plus a couple of emails†spiel. I do think guys like talking on the phone, or chatting online less than we women do, whether they are EU or not.
You mentioned your EUM wasn’t treating you very well – was that right from the beginning? If so, that was a red flag you could have picked up on. Besides that, I think in the beginning it can be hard to tell that they are EUM – but from my understanding, maybe EUM’s “blow hot†even more than an emotionally available guy at first. Maybe they are a little over the top at first, where a normal guy would just be “very warm†as opposed to hot? Or maybe it’s just hard to tell at first unless they have some of those other signs like: not over an ex, can only express feelings physically, etc, that NML pointed out. I guess we just need to take things slowly at first, and let them “show us who they are†over the first several months. If things get better and better instead of hot and cold, that would be a great sign!
I’m not positive about any of this, but just how I see things. I hope you’re having one of your “good days†Anusha. Hugs to you.
@Meant to be Happy-OMG my ex was exactaly like yours!!!!!! Even the coment about Im fine with a chatt per week and a few emails he would do too.I know that guys dont like phones and chatts like we women do but I know a lot of people that have a LDR(mine was like that too) that call and chatt everyday.Most of them,the bfs calls everyday and more than once a day even.My ex would almost never call and he was happy with chatting once a week or less even.
Yes he wasnt treating me well since the begining.He admited that he would take out on me his anger from other problems that had nothing to do with me.And he would set up chatts and dont show up(and didnt let me know he couldnt make it too),ignore me when he was mad and so on.It went like that for the first 3 years we were together.What you said made me think.Yes he was “super hot” in the begining,I mean he said he was falling for me and wanted to come over on his holidays to meet me just after 3 days that we been chatting.We were just chatting by then,he had never seen me in real life yet.We would talk a lot about sex too,I remember that on the first day we started chatting we talked about it already (so I think that can go under just can express fellings phisicaly).I think maybe I was so anxious to find a bf that I just jump in too fast without giving it time to know him more.I took what I saw from him on the begining and thought that was how he was.Thank you for your answer and yes Im on one of my good days today
Hugs.
@Brad K., does myspace register as a “dating site”? And it’s funny that so many of these unavailable assclowns have hundreds of friends on their space. They’ll post very vague, ambiguous statements on random pages. One moment they’re commenting on one girl’s profile with something that can be interpreted 10000 ways, and the next moment they comment to someone else. As far as not being able to cut apron strings, my ex lived with his mother and the rest of the family. When discussing his exes, he said our relationship was the rockiest. According to him, it’s not that i’m beautiful or they he loves me, it’s that they were all beautiful and he’ll always love them TOO (his words). Even when it came to sex, what was important to me (my values, virginity, monogamy), he strangely turned it around and said “I wonder if anyone from my past was like that and I didn’t know about it…” Instead of listening to what I said, it was SCARY how he’d brush it off and immediately put attention to his past. And then he wondered why I had a complex about his exes! Because we were many states apart, my ex EUM once asked me what my problem was with him observing other women. (Because distance was his rationalization). In fact, he questioned why I had a problem with him hanging out at DJing events with his friends (both single and attached), and no, because I was in another state–I never went. We’d have fights (which wouldn’t start off that way, but escalate) and then mid-conversation after very little of his input, he’d declare he’s going to see his friends and of COURSE his friends brought THEIR friends and it was officially mingle time at the turntables. By the time I called him, he was over there and I was humiliate, dubbed the crazy clingy girlfriend that can’t let go.
Have you girls ever been in the same situation?
@BradK — You said: “The danger I see in keeping contact with exes, with flirting, and with paying attention to possible new bed mates – is that they aren’t *there* in the relationship. When you spend attention on others, you neglect your partner and yourself. It may be fun, like a trip to Six Flags. But Six Flags closes each day. They sweep up the debris, they empty the trash. But a toddler doesn’t want the day to end, to leave behind the fantasy and the memories. Parents learn (or should!) that vacations, special events, celebrations, indulgences – end. That we give ourselves to the experience, and if it ends, carry away the best parts (or the horror stories, or NML would be quietly writing her way to health with no company at all!).”
I understand “not wanting the day to end” as it pertains to those of us hanging onto the fantasy of a healthy relationship with an EUM that in the beginning seemed like a day at Six Flags. What I don’t understand is why the EUM wants to hang on and keeps coming back to preserve a relationship the he’s “managed down” from a day at Six Flags to a swim in a murky pond. Why doesn’t he leave the “pond water” relationship behind as he moves on to other “Six Flags” relationships. If he’s managed the relationship down to “pond water,” what’s he getting out of continuing to swim in the murky pond? I would think Six Flags would be enough to hold all his attention and the pond water would be little more than a distraction.
@SomethingSomethingDarkSide — You said, “he strangely turned it around and said “I wonder if anyone from my past was like that and I didn’t know about it…†Instead of listening to what I said, it was SCARY how he’d brush it off and immediately put attention to his past.”
My ex EUM was constantly comparing me favorably with his exes. Ex: “She did _____ but you aren’t like that. She did _____ that made me uncomfortable but you don’t.” yada yada yada I always thought it was very strange that he’d verbalize his comparisons to me in this way. This guy thought out loud alot!! I don’t think this constant comparison is normal. Looking back, I think what was going on in his mind was, “you’re better, you’re better, you’re better, you’re better . . . BUT, you’re not good enough.” He had much earlier described himself as a perfectionist to me. Toward the end of the relationship he said, “You’re 75% of what I want and I don’t know if I should settle.” I did not respond kindly to that!! I think he is on a quest for the perfect woman which we all know doesn’t exist except in fantasy. Someone said to me he’s looking for a five star hotel when he’s only a two star.
@ Brad “Consider a toddler, tottering from one bright and shiny object of attention to the next. Some are delights, some are terrors, and none hold the attention for more than moments.” Wonderful, thank you. If I had been listening I’d have listened to “I am easily distracted by shiny things. I dunno, I chase butterflies, it’s a miracle I haven’t been run over in the road” and HEARD what it said instead of thinking he was being cute … “Shallow” … yep, you said it.
@Meant – hi sweetie. They DO blow hotter than normal – it’s now become one of my red flags. Case in point a week or two ago “You better get used to compliments because there are going to be a lot of them” sayeth he … sounds great doesn’t it? I was instantly wary – next time we talked (and i mean the next time) he was all “there were loads of really pretty girls there” and telling me about the “birds” – I ended it not too much later and he was furious saying that he should have a say in who he saw or not … I was quite sad about this as I thought we would have a lot to talk about (and we would have, and I think we know where it would lead, right?)
@Serena. Something … yeah he talked about his exes ALL the bloody time. I actually said to him the first time I walked that I hoped I wasn’t going to become one of his sob stories (“she wanted me but she married someone else” was one which came up twice and made me go HMMM but I didn’t listen to my instincts … never again!!!!). I’ll be “She wanted me but then she left and went to a country in Europe” no doubt. Idiot
Sorry to repost, just to clarify – when he was saying he should have a right to decide who he saw or not he meant *me* i.e. that I had no right to deprive him of the right to choose to dump me. I wish these posts could be edited!
NML … you are on a roll. Your words are inspiring – here, recently, they have touched me deeply.
I’m beginning to wonder if this is because you have been touched by super-inspiration or because I am finally ABLE to really understand – deep inside my heart and soul – what ou are saying and what the truth really is …
Maybe I’m healing after all?
@Butterfly
“when he was saying he should have a right to decide who he saw or not he meant *me* i.e. that I had no right to deprive him of the right to choose to dump me” – wow, what an ego. Not to mention that he likes to “objectify” women by calling them (us) “birds”, and by telling *you* all about the pretty women he saw. Hmmmm, not sure I’d want compliments from this man either, no matter how hot he was blowing!
@ Serena,
“What I don’t understand is why the EUM wants to hang on and keeps coming back to preserve a relationship the he’s “managed down—.
What I meant to say was that to be healthy, we have to recognize that sometimes things end. We move on as best we can. Healthy adults should have learned that living in the past denying what went before and what ended, wastes our time, our effort, our love, and is unfair to those we cherish.
Why does the EUM hang on past the bitter end, grasping to renew the dregs of what might have been? Mostly because he doesn’t know any better. Partly because he fears having to start over, partly because losing “control of his wimmin” is unmanly and tarnishes his self image and reputation. And, yes, I do think such a dude deserves pity and not condemnation, as long as you keep a safe enough distance away. Three states seems to be about the right distance.
@ SomethingSomethingDarkSide,
You said, “And it’s funny that so many of these unavailable assclowns have hundreds of friends on their space. They’ll post very vague, ambiguous statements on random pages.”
I consider most EUM’s to be perpetual daters. People with no concept of home, no interest in sharing lives, and resentful of anything that might interfere with their next date. Their life-skill of winning bed partners is *important* to them, and they continue to practice up for the rest of their lives.
If you want a puppy to enrich your home, get a puppy, not a cat. If you want a life-mate, run away from the bed-partner chasers.
Thanks NML! Just started dating again and am noticing myself thinking in terms of ‘the one’ and letting myself go insecure over these guys. Needed to hear this.
I don’t think most men really care about relationships and certainly not the way women do.
With so many women willing to play house with a man, there is no incentive for a man to have anything really long term.
I think many can have the 3-7 year relationships and then move on to another model when the are bored.
Women give the men everything without them having to make a commitment.
Before reading this I was feeling pretty low. Its been exactly a year since I have been out with any men of any description. I just had to stop dating because I was seeing a parade of idiots. I thought it would be better to retreat and focus on having a happy life.
During this time my little sister got married and my older sister has found the man of her dreams and is moving in with him next week. And my happily married best friend had a baby. Meanwhile, I have gained weight and got depressed. However, there are two ways I can think about this- poor me will never find love or have kids- or- my sisters and best friend have proved there are men out there who are decent so its not completely hopeless. Yeh its lonely but at the moment there is nothing I can do about it. Except go back to dating scumbags and there is no way I will do that. I do feel like I have given up on love – romantic love with a man. But at least I’m not kidding myself any more. I feel lost a lot of the time but some of these posts have made me think that I worry too much about the future instead of just enjoying the present.
pigsly,
I think the point here is that you tried idiots and bozos before. Now is the time to bolster your self confidence, and start checking a guy’s character, before whatever you have been checking out.
Being more active, connecting and interacting with more people may help with the depression. Paul Harvey claimed that someone’s research found that listening to rock music worked faster and was more effective that anti-depressants. Another thing – look at the lighting in your home. Depressed people often prefer shade and darkness. Deliberately letting in more light can make a big difference. Sleep patterns are another place to look – make sure your sleep area is dead dark. Even a night light can affect your sleep, sleeping with TV or lights on definitely ambush that healing sleep. Ask at your pharmacy about melatonin, taken in the evening it can help make sleep patterns more regular.
What I really meant to say, before I got side-tracked, was that sometimes we need a break to heal. But we have to work at healing, too. Once the initial freedom-from-pain hits, we have to work on rehabilitation, getting reflexes and strength back in line to go on with life. That may be with a partner, or may not. In either case, you will be better suited to proceed with life with a good understanding and belief in yourself. For one thing, if you believe in yourself, you won’t tell a guy that gives you crap to stop – you will tell him to hit the road, permanently. Call it boundaries, call it self esteem and values, character – there is a world of things to see and do, before deciding you don’t dare try love again.
Luck.
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you generalize against guys wayyyy too much….you make us to be cold hearted ‘easy to move’ on dufus’…and that’s not true at all….you gals are blessed in being raised to open up and share your emotions of heartache with one another…vs us guys in which this isn’t a cool thing at all (despite being told it’s ok to nowadays)…instead we suck it up and stuff it down for the most part.
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