The way the world tells it, dating is hard, there are less decent guys to date, women have a finite amount of time before they pass their ‘sell by date’ whilst men seem to have all the time in the world, and there’s an element of suck it and see and work with what we have.
Throw in the fact that there are a lot of emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) and assclowns out there, and that many of us struggle with low self-esteem, and you would be inclined to believe that you have to ‘settle’ and that love is an elusive thing that comes in a package of drama and ambiguity.
All the settling and relationship dumbing down to accommodate men in the hope of getting the relationship we profess to want has me wondering, are we giving up on love?
I don’t believe in settling. It doesn’t mean you opt for creating standards that no-one can meet, but settling is a path to misery.
Settling sets you up to wonder about the should, woulda, coulda’s and its very nature, has you seemingly placing yourself in a position of accepting something that ordinarily you wouldn’t, because you feel like you’ve run out of options or that you don’t want to take a chance on you and believe that a healthy, loving relationship with a healthy, loving mate is out there.
The trouble is, when you don’t like or an awful lot and have poor love habits, you have a tendency to have little or no boundaries, and unwittingly find yourself behaving like someone that has no options.
You choose men that reflect the negative things that you believe about yourself, love, and relationships and in turn they appear to remove your options.
Think about it – there you are sticking to that one man like glue wondering if and when things will get better, or wondering what that one man is thinking, saying, doing right now because you’ve become obsessed with thinking about him and the relationship because you wonder what you could have done differently to change things.
There’s that one man you keep letting come back into your life because you think things will be different this time or that one man who you’re wondering why he chose her instead of you. It may even be that every time we meet a guy, we’re wondering if he’s The One even though he has familiar behaviours that we recognise from other poor relationships, or we haven’t even gotten to know him yet and seen whether he is a suitable mate.
The strange thing is that more often than not we know that the man in question is not right for us because he makes us miserable, has so far demonstrated that he is incapable of giving us the relationship we want, and makes the act of staying within boundary lines and treating you with love, trust, care and respect like hard labour.
Why are we banking on one option or treating a guy that has failed to see our value and who has made it clear that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship or behave with decency, as if he is the only man who is capable of ‘loving’ us or us ‘loving’ them?
You have got to stop believing that this is as good as it gets.
You’ve got to stop limiting your options because in doing so, you’re creating limited thinking and then in turn choosing limited partners. They limit what you can expect by managing down your expectations and limit your hope by blowing hot and cold so you never know what to expect or which way your relationship is headed.
As I’ve said before, if we give up on love, we give up on ourselves.
In banking everything on that one guy it’s like saying, I give up on me.
There is life beyond this one guy. In fact, there is love beyond this one guy.
But your own capacity to love will be limited as long as you keep yourself closed to truly liking and loving yourself.
It’s very easy to say you love someone when there’s not a cat’s hope in hell of him actually delivering the relationship you want and it ends up catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy where you get to believe that all men and relationships are like this, or that there must be something wrong with you.
You can’t truly welcome love or truly love someone until you start to treat yourself with love, care, respect, and trust. If you’ve inadvertently given up on love as a result of your beliefs, even though you may be appearing to seek to challenge them, the negative beliefs are sabotaging your success.
At the end of the day, trying to challenge your beliefs by trying to find a man is not the answer. Challenge your beliefs by addressing your own feelings about love so you go out there as a positive woman who feels positive about herself so that she can find positive love.
There will always be chumps and there will always be people with ‘issues’ but you don’t have to be with these guys and in you learning to like and love you, which in turn means that you trust yourself because you have boundaries that allow you to exercise judgement, you teach people how to treat you and what to expect from you, and those that don’t want to play by your basic rules, need to step.
If more assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s heard the word ‘No’ and had their options closed because women were less accepting of their behaviour, you’d see a lot more of these guys being forced to adapt their behaviour.
We’ve got to start believing in love again. Not fairy tale assclown or Mr Unavailable love, where you choose a poor partner and get him to go from cockroach to frog to prince, after you triumph over a few adversities, but love of the healthy kind. The kind that starts with you.
We’ve got to believe in love by breaking away from the familiarity that a lot of these men and the poor relationships bring and getting uncomfortable with the unfamiliarity of healthier options.
Get uncomfortable and pull yourself out of your comfort zone and start truly embracing the possibility of love and a healthy relationship by letting go of the illusion of that one Mr Unavailable or assclown, and embracing the one you.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
{ 83 comments… read them below or add one }
this website is amazing. it’s like whenever i read the posts, it brings my a** right back down to reality and makes me look at things so differently. this article for one gives me hope. that once i free myself from an unhealthy, demeaning relationship i have been entwined in for far too long, my world isn’t going to end. that there IS life after this ONE guy.
NML thanks for this post, I really needed to hear this today!
It has been a few weeks of NC and I feel I have grown a lot in many ways. However, I still have my ups and downs. I definitely have more good days than blue days now.
But today It hit me, How could the ex not see the value in me enough to stick around in good terms? That is beyond me, probably I would never fully understand this but these post definitely bring me closer to the answer.
I know now is beyond my control but after weeks of NC I still sometimes wonder and makes me sad that I still haven’t found that kind of guy who would see the potential in me. Actually there is one guy, but I am not attracted to him!! go figure.
I am still stuck in the what if’s. UGH!!! Someone help me get over this!!
Once you realize these people add nothing to your life, and set some boundaries, they hold no appeal.
Now that the AC is out of my life, I sleep better. I feel a sense of joy and hope. I feel at peace. I’m focused. I’m positive. I value myself rather than question who I am. I’m motivated to do things for me (exercise, succeed, buy a new dress) rather than as an attempt get him to like me more.
Getting rid of the AC opened the door to so many wonderful possibilities– it’s kind of sad to realize how much time /mental space his drama stole from my life.
(Maybe that’s their point: create so much drama, we’re constantly thinking about them!??)
But now, life if full of options and these losers aren’t one of them. That’s a fantastic feeling! To be done with the all the AC and EUM and move on to a richer, fuller life..
TJ,
Words of wisdom!!!
Like you, TJ, I’ve found that since I dumped The Player (Mr EU) I’m sleeping better, eating better, getting up and out again. I did spend a few weeks mulling over what could have been and what had gone wrong and why…
….but life is too short. For someone like that? I figured, I’ll be lying down to die one day and I’ll never get this time back – so waste no more on Dead Ends. And then I really “dumped him”, from that somewhere inside I was letting him live in. You’re right – they add nothing to the mix (in fact, they sour it when they can). They aren’t worth the time of day!
I don’t know if I still believe in love or not; but I do know that I have trouble setting boundaries to begin with – I think I’m a little afraid of appearing “rude” or “harsh”.
Well, I’ve just joined a fairly specific dating site, so it should throw up a particular type of person rather than Everyman and his brother. But I’m still keeping my eyes open for what I’ve learned here so far, and what I’ve learned about Narcissists. EUs, ACs, Ns and Psycopaths thrive on the Internet and online Dating Services.
Nonetheless, I won’t be backed off. I should know enough by now to spot Red Flags; it’s time to practice setting boundaries; and maybe, just maybe, there might be a decent man out there who actually does know how to tell the truth and form a genuine friendship/relationship.
But Good Stuff in this article again, thank you.
Best Regards, Leonine.
I really enjoy most of the articles on here, but this one left me kinda “meh”. The premise started off great, but then the rest of the article doesn’t really apply for me. I am over a year out from a bad breakup with a cheating EUM and I have certainly raised my standards and am really learning to embrace me and my value and worth. I can spot the EUMs 1000 miles away now, and I don’t want them. So my issue is not that I am limiting my options by focusing on one specific EUM. It’s that I haven’t met one guy, not one, since the breakup who is a compatible match AND who sparks my interest. It becomes harder and harder to maintain that hope of finding a healthy man and relationship every time a new prospect dive-bombs into the ground; and it becomes harder to ignore the sound of my ovaries creaking with the passing months (which I am very much trying to eliminate, as nothing is a turnoff the way a woman who wears My Clock Is Ticking perfume is).
NML i too am in days tho’ only of NC. This site has has confrimed many things fro me and allowed me to see things differently and look at myself and focus on me. i have moments when i feel so sad, because i did want a relationship, but i am feeling a little stronger and i know that maintaining the NC rule is key for me. he is still calling and texting, but so far i have not responded. i pray for the strength to maintain NC.
Thanks NML,
I dont give up on love yet, but I feel so strange and calm and I love it! I was on holiday, went to visit my Mum and sister, and my EUM was the last person in my mind. Before my departure, he bombarded me with messages and begged me to meet him…I hope I will feel the same when I come back to UK, I just became so aloof towards him, that it’s even scares me…………..
Stacey: I’m with you here..I thought the article may be more relevent to me too..cos my current state worries me a little. It seems after a number of EUM relationships over the past few years I just love being single and have very little motivation to date. I have tried but the men out there seem to be EU or commitmentphobic. Society has changed and especially with Internet dating, people are disposable. Men, in particular, are like kids in a candy shop. This is not just from my experience but my single friends too..And this seems to be one reason why women stay in poor relationships – the thought that there is little else out there…unfortunately that seems to be true these days. It may be that I will never be in a relationship again..and that thought does make me sad sometimes..however I am happy, relaxed and content….
This site is great NML..keep up the good work! xxx
“If more assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s heard the word ‘No’ and had their options closed because women were less accepting of their behaviour, you’d see a lot more of these guys being forced to adapt their behaviour.”
My very thoughts as the alarm went off this morning (after “shut up”, of course). Very timely. Very true, the whole post, but this line says it all to me.
Yay! This is a wonderful post. I’ve been wondering lately, why I’ve been so focussed on this ONE guy, when there are so many out there that could be so much better for me…or not – cuz I’m focussing on me right now and it feels SO good. Love your words and love this site. I’m so glad I’ve pressed the eject button on my eum/ac. It is making so much difference in my life! Thanks so much for your invaluable information NML, and the support of this site!
Tons of love to everyone! I’m happy and free!
This was another great post NML! Thank you
Nice article.”The trouble is, when you don’t like or an awful lot and have poor love habits, you have a tendency to have little or no boundaries, and unwittingly find yourself behaving like someone that has no options.”
I can relate to that,I spent years acepting poor behaviour and not geting what I wanted on my last relationship.I fell even now I still behave like if I have no option.I have the believe that no guy will get interest on me so I hold to the one that shows some interest without even geting to know if he is right for me first.I think that is what I did with my ex and why it was so hard for me to let go even having reasons to.Im trying to concetrate on myself like NML sugest but is so hard to be away from relationships.Lately I was holding to a guy that seemed interested on me even though I wasnt interested on him just because I realy liked the felling of knowing that he was interested on me.Yeah I know that is using men to validate and fell good about myself and that I should be able to do that myself but is so hard sometimes.I know that just show me that I still have some work to do on my self esteem.I realy want to come to the point where I dont need people to love me because Im geting that love from me.
@Butterfly, yes, as NML stated, “If more assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s heard the word ‘No’ and had their options closed because women were less accepting of their behaviour, you’d see a lot more of these guys being forced to adapt their behaviour.â€
My sentiments exactly!! Every woman that puts up with this kind of behavior reinforces the behavior leading to it becoming more fossilized. Why do they behave this way?? The answer is because they can. They are permitted through the actions of the women who are willing to put up with it and settle for crap. Also, there is some really unhealthy relationship advice out.
The unfortunate thing with EUMs is that in the beginning they seem to be a dream come true. Thus the relationship fantasy is born and it’s oh so difficult to let go of it even while they are marginalizing the relationship.
I look back with interest on the strong reactions of my EUM every time I set a firm boundary. These boundries I set were usually in response to his trying to “manage down my expectations.” Every time I set a firm boundry he was initially literally stunned and then he proceeded to get all sad and react emotionally. I don’t think he was used to women saying, “No, I won’t settle for that and if that’s the way it is it should end” which is what in essence I said. So, I guess there really are some emotions there after all, at least in the case of my EUM. Imagine that!!
As for me, I won’t let this unfortunate relationship that I wish I could press the delete button on lead me to become bitter about love. I will be more cautious and careful though about diving in head first emotionally before first checking the waters.
@Leonine — I’m interested in what you said about “Narcissists. EUs, and ACs thriving on the internet and online dating services.” My EUM kept an online dating profile active during our relationship. I don’t worry that he met up physically with anyone because he didn’t have the time. In his case, it seemed to be more of a fantasy world that he seemed somehow addicted to. Can anyone explain this to me??
@ Serena- I think he probably liked the atention and felt flattered by the women that show interest on him trough this site.Even if he didnt realy get to have anything with them,for him it was still good to know there were some women interested on him.I think that is why he did it.
I wonder how things would be if I had set boundaries with my ex since the begining.We wouldnt have last a year probably but at least it would saved me from a lot of hurt.Sometimes I wonder if he would have changed if I had set a boundarie or just walked away.He had the habit to say “Either is that way or no way” and I always would give in and do how he wanted.I know I have part on that and that I should have just been stronger instead of give in to his wishes.Well now I know and will just have a totaly diferent atitude on my next relationships.
Hi Serena,
There’s a whole bunch of info and warnings on the net about how Narcissists and Psychopaths (in particular) use the net and benefit from potential victims not being able to see the Real Them. How they set up a False Self and can say and be whatever it is they dream they are in their sick heads.
Photos, etc., can all easily be doctored to underline this view of themselves, and most sites have private message facilities so that they can take it all “behind the scenes” pretty quickly.
But even men who are not Ns or Ps (like EUs and Acs) thrive because – answering or not, getting involved or not – they get the kind of “adulation and attention” they want: where they can believe women are hungering after them (so ego trip in place) but they don’t have to respond or even be present (so, emotional unavailability intact); and, of course, the AC can take his pick as and when his latest doormat has given up on him or is out of town.
It has to be as important to take care with security and details online as in Real Life where Ns and Ps are concerned.
But for EUs and ACs often just a verbal seeing to is enough for them!
Best Regards, Leonine.
Great post NML. I was just thinking about this very thing the other day since I want to explore my life after months of introspection, breaking away from the EUM, rethinking my boundaries and learning to like myself again. But one nagging question still comes up, am I ready to give myself to love? Do I really believe there is someone out there for me that’s not an AC or EU? I have to admit I’ve been jaded by my EUM relationship. He dragged my self esteem through the mud and I helped him do it.
I guess the answer lies with me. Do I believe in myself enough or love myself enough to attract the right people? To put myself out there not with the idea that I’m desperate and looking for love but that I’m a good person open to the idea of love if it comes my way. I know one thing I don’t want my Ex anymore and that is a true accomplishment because I was obsessed with him for a very long time, thinking he was the only one for me. Now I know he was the worst one for me. I have trust issues left over from that relationship that aren’t completely resolved but I do feel I’m ready to embrace life and love again, this time in a healthy relationship.
One thing I have to say about dating is that it can be brutal if you’re accepting dates from any guy that asks. When my ex and I broke up I started dating fairly quickly and that was a bad decision because I was not ready at all. I went on some pretty awful dates that made me feel even worse then I already did. So I just stopped. I knew I wasn’t over my ex and that was the first thing I had to accomplish before I could even think of dating again. I’m glad I took that break from men and the pressure of meeting someone. Now I don’t have that desperate feeling anymore. I’m feeling laid back and really just miss going out and having a good time. I’m actually looking forward to it but this time I’m going to be more selective and keep my boundaries up. I know what I want and that’s the first step I think.
@ Serena,
About guys and dating online – I think you misunderstand the gravity of your guy keeping a dating profile while you were together. There may not have been sex between him and online dates, although you cannot guarantee your next door neighbor’s wife isn’t one of his contacts! But emotionally? Fantasy or not, any investment of energy, emotion, and time into an online contact is time he cheats out of his relationship with you. Whether he converses, gossips, relates to another in fantasy or in person, this is inappropriate behavior that threatens, rather than strengthens, his relationship with you.
Many causal sex games threaten a relationship or marriage less than non-sexual cheating.
At least, I find his withdrawal of time and emotion, his refuge in online, electronic communication is as big a red flag of danger and trouble as the guy that wants to text message everything – history shows this is an emotional wall that he uses to manipulate others while refusing to get very involved. This habit makes it difficult for him to ever manage a meaningful interpersonal emotion-based relationship.
If he were hanging out at hunting or model train sites, then excessive time spent there, too, might signal a problem. But flirting, practicing winning bed partners? That is a life-skill and vice that threatens any relationship.
Amen lady!
And again..Amen!
Ladies,
I have said it before, I will say it again. I would rather be single and happy than to be mated and miserable. Period. I’ve been where all of you have/are and while it was painful, going back to the same thing over and over is no longer an option. I have a friend who will not go out to a concert or party (job christmas party) by herself because she says it screams loser. I tell her that I disagree totally;what it says is I am confident, this is where I want to be, and if no one else gets it, oh well. When the heck are we going to live for ourselves? Stop worrying excessively over what “someone else” might think. Stop being so needy to have EVERYONE approve of you. If you approve of you, that’s all you need.
I was thinking,how our EUM tends to see things so diferent than us.The only atempt my ex made to reach me since I started NC was a text a few weeks ago congratulating me for my team winning and I bet that he thinks he did a lot by doing that.That this was reaching out for me and being friends.Even thought he not even cared to ask how Im or what I have been doing (what in my opinion is what friends do).Isnt amazing how friendship for them are something totaly diferent than what it is for us?
@ Brad K,
I went out with a guy I met through mutual friends 2 times, once on a Saturday night and again the very next weekend’s Sunday for a late breakfast at a pancake house close to my condo. Two weekends later, on a Saturday, I ran into him at his favorite bar. The very next weekend Friday after that, I saw him at the monthly singles’ night at our local art museum! What do you make of that? (BTW, I am 29. He is 33.)
@ Brad K,
Forgot to mention that, when I ran into him at the bar, it was on a night he wanted to see me on. But, because he hadn’t called me for a while (about a week and a half), I told him I already had plans (which I did). He said he’d call me to go out again, though. Haven’t heard from him (though I have seen him!) since. (Don’t think he saw me at the museum, though. I left right after catching a glimpse of him there.)
Also, he is someone with a good job and is very good-looking.
I just read the title of this entry and started crying about this topic. After losing what I at least thought was a true, deep and til death do we part kind of love, I feel so cynical and down on relationships. Somedays I feel ok with myself and am very glad about not having to think about/worry about/consume myself with someone else (except my kids — which is a given
. But other days I feel blue and depressed at the thought of being forever alone. I know I alone control my thoughts – but how do you stay upbeat when everything and everyone around seems so happily coupled up and your coupling future looks really bleak? I feel like I’m just too old to even think about it.
“I have said it before, I will say it again. I would rather be single and happy than to be mated and miserable. Period.”
Spot on txwoman. I couldn’t agree more.
And QT – don’t cry too much too long. You really are already all you need in this life. Learn to enjoy yourself. Learn to live for and with yourself.
Relationships are often such crap (lying twice a week pretending to get off on what they’re doing, lol, come on – admit it girls! It ain’t THAT great, lol).
There are such thing to do in the world, such places to see and such people to meet and mix with (men and women). It’s not all about being tied to one man and cooking and shopping every day until your days are finished.
What do YOU want, QT? To be an Artist? To see a live volcano? To snorkel? To learn to fly or windsurf? To write a best selling book/song? Do something you want to do for yourself at this time – you don’t need a relationship for that.
Chin up, sweetheart. It all gets better, really it does.
Best Regards, Leonine
You are sooo absolutely right. Love reading these posts.. keep them coming
Beautiful post…Thanks again, NML…
I agree with absolutely everything you said Leonine, and it is such a vital, great way to look at life – and the only way for me! But I do believe that you have to let yourself grieve and feel bad, and worry, and ok, obsess in order to get to that point.
I felt like the more I beat myself up about how I was feeling, and how I should/could/would be feeling, the longer it prolonged my misery. Now, I allow myself the sadness, and the obsessing too…and finally, I’m getting tired of myself and movin on. What a relief. Don’t beat yourself up…for anything, that’s my new motto – even for being addicted to an AC and missing him, and feeling bad about it, and being “weak.” Just go NC – it really does work, and ride it out.
QT,
You wrote “I know I alone control my thoughts-but how do you stay upbeat when everything and everyone around seems so happily coupled up and your coupling future looks really bleak? I feel like I’m just too old to even think about it.” There is one thing you need to realize. Just because looking from the outside, it may look happy, but if you could see the real truth of the so called “happy” relationships, you would probably see the dirty truth. Many times, we look at what someone else has and think that that is what you want. If you really knew what it was like behind closed doors, you may change your mind. Do you know that many times, the people that are coupled up or married, secretly wish they were single. As far as your age is concerned, I have seen couples in their 80′s that get together and are super happy. In other words, what’s age got to do with it. It is your responsibility to make yourself happy first, and using age as an excuse is just that;an excuse. You will learn how to forget about such things as your age, your weight, because if you are happy with yourself, it comes across to everyone you come in contact with. Hang in there, it really does get better.
“positive woman who feels positive about herself so that she can find positive love.” That says it all in a nutshell NML! Thank you, you are awesome!
PlanetJane,
you’re absolutely right – we do have to grieve…but only a dream! A fallacy! That needn’t stop a minute of our own precious Lives as well. Cry while you’re windsurfing, lol. Turn your tears into a best selling romance. Just don’t stop living.
Too often we STOP altogether and sit rehashing all the poo we went through: He Said This; I Said That; They Said The Other. What does that count after it was first said?
That’s all gone and it was rubbish all along. Much more important is the lesson to be learned and pulled forward from. That way we MIGHT meet someone reall and true. But, still, we might NOT!
Have we got ourselves? Can we walk? See? Talk? Do things? Earn money? Then we figure high amongst the Lucky Ones. Let’s use that and go out into this “mansion of many rooms” and have a good poke around.
Live the Life. You can’t buy it when it’s gone.
So, yes, grieve… but don’t make a meal of it or teach ourselves to wallow longer than we have to. And when we realise that we’re grieving something stuck on the bottom of our shoe, or a creation invented by ourselves – well, the world becomes our oyster, lol.
If we can mentally make a Man of an EU or AC, what can we not do?
Best Regards, Leonine.
@Leonine
“That needn’t stop a minute of our own precious Lives as well. Cry while you’re windsurfing, lol. Turn your tears into a best selling romance. Just don’t stop living.”
Well said! I am getting tired of rehashing and trying to understand *him*, and with the encouragement of many on here, I am taking care of myself more and more each day. I took myself shopping today – all alone for the first time in a long time, and I loved it! I have been so distracted for the last 14 months, I almost forgot what it was like to do something fun *by myself*, and I enjoyed my own company – imagine that! I found some really nice tops on sale too! I highly recommend a “self” shopping trip to help put the focus back on YOU. (unless you find shopping stressful, of course, lol)
We must not give up on love, and we must not give up on ourselves.
@Butterfly
(from the last post) so glad you have made your list of objectives to meet each day. You go girl!!!
Lol, Meant to be Happy – who cares about *him* when you can go shopping!!!!
@BradK,
Thank you for your feedback. I agree with you that maintaining an online profile while in a relationship is a big red flag even when it doesn’t result in a physical meeting. I came to know about his profile later in the relationship and then came to know that he was checking into the site quite frequently. You said, “history shows this is an emotional wall that he uses to manipulate others while refusing to get very involved. This habit makes it difficult for him to ever manage a meaningful interpersonal emotion-based relationship.” I think this is likely the case as well as using it as an ego stroke. Thank you for helping me make sense out of this behavior.
Oh NML, what a timely post! I met a guy online approximately two weeks ago. After several lengthy emails, he sent me his picture (I didn’t ask for it) as a means of putting a face to the person I had been speaking to. I acknowledged his photo and reciprocated with mine – when he responded, he said NOTHING about my photo (strike #1). We subsequently moved to talking on the telephone and he asked me if I’d like to go to see a film on Saturday evening. I agreed and we agreed to firm up the place/time on Saturday itself. I didn’t hear from him until almost 9 in the evening on Saturday (strike 2)! I surely did not pick up the phone and had thank-goodness already made other plans. He tried calling again yesterday…he did not leave a vmm on either day. I will not be waiting for strike three – he’s out! Am I disappointed, sure a bit. But more so, I’m pleased with myself for sussing out these these AC’s sooner and letting go of them…and that is thanks in a huge part to this website!!! Thank-you all.
@Leonine
“Relationships are often such crap (lying twice a week pretending to get off on what they’re doing, lol, come on – admit it girls! It ain’t THAT great, lol).”
I want to disagree with you … I want to … lol
“I feel like I’m just too old to even think about it.”
And what’s worse, I know there is no one else, ever. I’ve been trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, because my heart is so tied up in him – enough that I feel when this ends – and it will – that I’m totally done. I’m just hanging on as long as I can watching the darkness at the end of the tunnel creeping closer every day. It’s not like not believing in love, it’s knowing that this one was the forever one, and there will never be another.
I’ve been avoiding your site, telling myself that we can be the 5% that makes it – but yeah.
brokenhearted, I do not know your story but this sounds like the very depressed thoughts I had months ago, before I realized I had to go NC, It’s been months now and that grip of depressive thinking is gone.
Regarding the 5%… with incredible honestly and self awareness and incredible amounts of work, from both parties, I do believe that most anything can work, But two people having the strength and ability to work through big problems, thats the minority. Only you can decide his capacity for growth within your relationship.
Somedays I fleetingly do think he was the one, old habits maybe, but I also know at the same that if he was ” the one” then I sure as hell am destined to be a very happy spinster because he made me more miserable than happy most every day.
I feel for you, I really do. It’s a dark place we go to with the EUM. Lord, the one I knew even considered that darkness special Yet in my heart, I just don’t believe in that “one special person” forever thing.
Love is way too big a force to be confined like that.
Do you know how he was not “the one”?
How you feel now. If he had been the one, you would never have felt that way in the first place. You sound just like me, exactly as I felt earlier this year, he was “all that” and more.
Thankfully I have wised up. I am fairly convinced he reads sites like these to get pointers, by the way, hindsight being the wonderful thing is it I see now more than skillful manipulation and a runing commentary. I place that next to my thoughts of having lost “the one” and realise I have my sanity back!
If all you allow yourself to look at is a black spot, you can’t see everything else around it … which is what you need to look at. The black spot possibly will never totally leave, but it will get smaller and drift out of view. It won’t be your life. Only you can make this happen.
Yes I too am scared I will never meet anyone else, but what good is creating our own self fulfilling prophesy? I can’t have kids, I am not close to my family, I’ve burned my bridges in my homeland pretty much and I have walked away from not one but two EUM relationships which got pretty snarkled up (and between the two of them was enough of a facade of one healthy one that I stayed there). You just have to let life happen. Does he really deserve so much of you when he gave you nothing but pain?
I have a question about NC,is it suposed to be kept permanently? I see the point of going trough that to move on and heal from the break up but there will come a point where I will have to drop it and stop ignoring the ex right?
I have other question,why the EUM cant get that when we love somebody we like to be around and are interested on how that person is or what she been doing? I tried to explain that to him milion times but he never seemed to get it.
Brokenhearted – was it NML who said the only ‘one(s)’ that are worth crying over are the ones that won’t make you cry? I’m sorry for what you are going through – I don’t know your story either but I know and understand those same feelings about ‘him’ being the one and only and quite possibly the only time you’ve ever felt like you were in love. You wonder how can I ever have these feelings again for someone else (or at my stage of the game – why should I even bother – it’s just going to end badly!!)?
Maybe it’s like when I had my children – I loved my son sooo much I worried about when my daughter was born that I wouldn’t love her as much (stupid I know – but true!). But — turned out to be not a problem. You have room in your heart for so much love. I feel a part of me will always love my recent ex and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I had so many experiences with him that I had never enjoyed before – I will cherish them forever. I also did some really stupid things to be with him – but that’s all part of the experience.
I guess the point is that these are things that are in the past – where they belong for me because things change, feelings change, people do crappy things that make everything change… you get the picture. You have no control over anything or anybody except your own self.
Hang in there. I know it’s really really hard to see past the present and the pain but have hope –
@ Leonine
You’re so right on so many points. Luv the insight.
“we do have to grieve…but only a dream! A fallacy!”
It’s funny, but this is the ONE thing that keeps me in reality, and keeps me NC – and I think it is SUCH an important “aha moment” for fbgs. Whenever I start thinking about contacting him again and engaging in the relationship, I realize that everything I’m missing about him and “us” is a dream, my dream – it was never real. And everything that is real about “us” is mediocre to LAME, or it flat out makes me miserable. Who wants that? Really…why bother?
“That way we MIGHT meet someone reall and true. But, still, we might NOT!”
I think all of us need to accept that we may never “meet someone.” We may be single forever, and that could actually ROCK
I’m there!
” And when we realise that we’re grieving something stuck on the bottom of our shoe, or a creation invented by ourselves – well, the world becomes our oyster, lol.”
“If we can mentally make a Man of an EU or AC, what can we not do?”
No doubt!
Love.
Hello good people. Please help me with this… great guy and everything going along fine for seven months. Beginning of July he does a 360 and says he can’t be in a relationship, not over his divorce, misses ‘family’ life (kids are grown and gone, has grandkids, ex-wife living with the man she left him for). Yet he txts that he misses me, thinks about me constantly, asks what I want, tells me how bad he feels. I miss his sweet warm body next to me at night… I miss his company… We took care of our grandkids together, chores side by side, cooking, sharing wine. I’m in shock really. So how do I not give up on love? All I can think about is how lonely the nights are now. We’re both 49 so not young and stupid. I don’t know what happened but I do know I don’t want to be alone anymore. Before him I had been alone for a very long time and now he’s ruined that for me (being lonely but okay with being alone).
miimaa: Please can you say: if he texts you and you reply does the conversation carry on and lead somewhere? Do you reply then there is nothing again? It’s hard to say on so little information, not every man who takes a step back is playing games or emotionally unavailable … it depends on so many factors. Hugs.
I reply and we text back and forth a few times. Does it lead anywhere? In circles. He’s not playing games – he is miserable. Tells me he is lonely and sad BUT also says can’t be in a relationship right now. I accept that, I don’t ask questions or try to convince him of anything. How do I not give up on love though when a man tells you he loves you but can’t be in a relationship? I know he’s having a difficult time and I’m leaving him alone. If he texts or calls I answer, I’m nice to him, but maybe this contact is just prolonging the agony.
Oh btw I am positive there isn’t anyone else. He doesn’t have time for that!! I know how busy he likes to be. Keeps himself constantly working because I think he doesn’t have to think that way.
He didn’t want a divorce, she did. I’ve known this guy all my life, know the ex-wife too. She wanted a divorce years ago but he didn’t. Finally she said that was it, she didn’t love him and he had to leave. He didn’t see it coming. Told me he knew things weren’t right but still didn’t think she’d leave. It’s been a year and that isn’t enough time for him, is it?
Sounds like he is emotionally unavailable though. Maybe he has been through the male version of what men put us through, maybe there’s a whole back story …
The main question is this: How is it making you feel? If you are feeling bad then you HAVE to think of yourself, your needs and your esteem – you’ve already seen that your peace of mind has been unsettled (unsettled – not ruined – a little rocked maybe but he does not have the power to ruin it, you have to choose to allow him to do that).
Perhaps telling him straight “I like you but if you need space to decide then we should call it quits, you are hurting me” is the way forward. What do you ladies think?
Yeah I feel bad, lonely, confused. I don’t want to be alone anymore and after reading NML’s post asking myself how do I not give up. Like someone posted up thread there is not a lot out there. Seems most of the single men my age are a little strange. Into computers or booze or chasing young gals. I’m staying busy and starting some new projects plus I have a grandson that I adore and now have more time to spend with. I don’t want to give up ever finding a life partner but looks pretty bleak right now. Feeling sorry for myself