“Why are we attracted to this kind of guy? What issues are we trying to cover up with ourselves to the point where we have to find a guy with more issues so we don’t have to deal with us. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.”
The last line in particular is something that every woman who keeps expecting and demanding change from others and resisting the urge to take responsibility for her own outcome, needs to connect with.
At some point, you have to stop the if’s, but’s, and maybe’s and quit the cycle of Relationship Insanity.
Much like when I wrote about why do we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why it hurts, relationship insanity means that you are refusing to:
1) Get real and stop living in denial
2) Adapt your expectations
3) Accept responsibility for making your life different or better
4) Opt out
5) Stop wallowing
6) Stop attempting to force change.
You are dodging responsibility and instead placing everything on him, so it’s his issues, his behaviour, what he says, what he wants, what he thinks, him, him, him.
You then sit there and suck up all this crap and say
‘But he was so nice to me at the beginning!’ or
‘But if he didn’t have the problems that he does, our relationship would work’, or
‘But I am the one doing everything to save the relationship’ or
‘But I love him unconditionally (even though I don’t actually know the mofo and he treats me like sh*t I’m gonna ride this bashed up donkey of love till it collapses)’, or
‘But whilst I know I have my issues, I don’t have as many as he does’, or
‘But because I have issues and wouldn’t want someone to be mean to me, I don’t want to be mean to him’, or
‘But I’m a really nice person so I want us to stay friends’, or
‘But I’m a really nice person so I can’t just cut contact’, or
‘But he says that he does like/love/care about me and I’m just needy and I probably am’, or
‘But I can’t understand why it’s over and I don’t want to get over this. I want to wallow in my pain and I want a definitive explanation for everything that has happened!’, or
‘But if he can be with her, there must be something wrong with me and that’s why I’m not able to change anything’….
‘But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!’
Ladies, don’t bullsh*t yourselves as you already have enough BS to contend with in your dating dalliances and relationships.
This whole waiting, willing, wanting thing all boils down to the same ole usual thing:
AVOIDANCE TACTICS
Blaming him, saying ‘but’, avoiding taking responsibility for you and your own happiness is about avoidance.
Doing the same sh*t, different week and expecting something different…is avoidance.
Dating the same man, different package, and then wondering why it’s not working, is avoidance.
You being the same person, with the same self-esteem issues, carrying the same suitcase of emotional baggage, with the same beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships, repeating the same patterns, and also expecting that someone who has behaved the same way 100 times will change on the 101st time because you think they should and you expect change, is about, yep, you guessed it, avoidance.
At some point, you have to ask yourself who died and left you in charge and said that you had all of the solutions to someone else’s problems and what they should do in a relationship when you yourself have your own issues to deal with!
It is relationship insanity! If you put your hand in the fire ten times tomorrow, you can be damn sure, you’ll burn it ten times and do untold damage and it doesn’t matter that each time you put your hand in the fire you said ‘Please Mr Fire, do what I want and don’t burn me!’
The fire with it’s nasty heat and flames has it’s own modus operandi and presents it’s consistent danger signals, so putting your hand in the fire is damn foolish.
You may not know the length and breadth of a mans problems within two seconds of talking to him or even a couple of dates, but people reveal things about themselves through their actions and their words and when you are around them on a consistent basis, they are actually teaching you what to expect from them, and in turn, how you choose to deal with whatever crap they put your way, not only teaches them what to expect from you, but also what they can and can’t get away with.
You are being told everything that you need to know through actions, signals, and often even words that you are refusing to listen to, or attaching a different meaning.
But if you’re a Responsibility Dodger or a ‘But Girl’, as long as the problems appear to be all lying at someone else’s door, you don’t have to change.
And ‘appear’ is the key, because at the end of the day, no matter how much we deny the reality of stuff, deep down we know and at some point, you have to take a leap of faith on you and start taking responsibility for your own outcome instead of focusing on and obsessing about dipstick assclowns.
Right now it’s all about him but what about how you feel? What about you want, need, think etc? It cannot all be about him!
Now you can make a choice and say ‘F*ck it, I like this pain and drama and I’m not ready to be responsible for my own happiness’ and not only is that your prerogative, but it’s also your choice and all you need to remember if you go with this option is that if you’re in pain and misery (especially if the relationship is already over), it’s you causing yourself the pain, not him.
Or you can put yourself in the driving seat, feel the pain, grieve, move on, heal, build your self-esteem and power your own life and feel infinitely better that you’re not freefalling through life waiting for some man, any man to pick you up and put you on the right path.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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NML – you are correct. I am still holding on – and yes, I would like him to hurt as much as me, but I know that won’t happen.
Karen~ After reading your post it is remarkable how far you have come, and how much you have learned in such a short time. My wish for you is that you can lavish or bask in all the emotional accomplishments you have made thus far. I know you are still working through things but you’re getting there -it just takes time.
Chloe~ I’m glad you finally got the number blocked. The less you interact with him the better and just keep working on yourself, your dreams, your goals, your happiness. You deserve much more than this assclown could ever give you. Let him go, it’s time.
Epiphany! I am a “but girl”, in a backwards way. Wow!
My thinking goes like this: “I am a great gal!” But, he just needs some time to deal with his wounds, his past, and his broken heart. When this happens, he will be so thankful that he has me in his life. He will come to know that he is making choices, in his life, other than me, that are not good for him.
“I am so good for him. I can see it, feel it, and know it just by how he is when he is around me.” But, he is a different person around me. He isn’t a jerk to me like he is to other people. He’s so much kinder to me. He doesn’t have that tone of voice when he talks to me, like when he talks to his other woman.
I don’t know why it took me so long to see this. Maybe it is the almost 6 months of no contact. I don’t know, but this is an insight that I just hit upon. I am a backwards “but girl”.
I saw him the other day – as in he was in the same meeting I was in – and I noticed that he continually surrounds himself with not so nice people. That was the moment that the pain of the heartbreak began to lift. Well, to be honest, lifted temporarily. But, I’m doing the best that I can. Maybe next time I run into him, the pain will be lifted for 10 seconds more, and I can build a shield, albeit slowly. Anyway. . .
It finally dawned on me that no matter how kind I am, no matter how caring, no matter how patient, no matter how loving I am, he continually chooses to surround himself with people who are the opposite of me. People who are just like him. Both male and female.
And it became so clear to me, at that point. I would not have any one of those people in my life in any capacity, and yet, he gravitates to them. Here’s the “but” – it dawned on me, finally: What is wrong with me that I gravitated to him?
Addiction and more specifically, some kind of crazy addiction to only him. I have been able to shut others out of my life that mistreated me, but not him.
Now, epiphany aside, my heart still hurts, and I just want to have one 24 hour period go by, where the thought of him doesn’t pop into my head. Even six waking hours would be nice. I want to not to have to think, “Gosh, it’s day 162 of no contact; only 21 more days until the six month point.”
I have a question for anyone still reading this post. Part of my getting on with my life is to actually get out there. I’m not talking about dating, just living it. Occasionally, it is not always possible that a friend is available to see a movie, check out a concert, etc. In the past, i’ve either just skipped doing things altogether because I didn’t want to do it alone. Have any of you just went ahead and did something yourself? And how did it feel the first time and do you continue to do it? With a spring/summer approaching I would hate to miss out because I going solo.
Yes, I go out by myself all of the time.
It got easier and easier each time I did it. Now, it is not hard for me at all to enter most places.
Number one: Get dressed up and made up as if you were going on a date or to work. Not because you are looking for someone, but because it makes you feel good, and especially because you are doing it for you. You deserve to “see” yourself as beautiful. Always, always, always, leave your house with your game face on.
I have recently expanded it to always having my game face on, even at home, unless I am sick. It empowers me.
Number two: If you want to go to a restaurant, choose one that has a bar with tables; you can usually get seated right away, and you can have your dinner without having to wait. Also, choose a place that caters to business travelers. YES, be cautious, because there are many one night ASSCLOWNS out there. But, people who travel for business are quite often alone, and so in this setting, you are surrounded by people with whom you don’t have to engage. Or, if you do want to engage, there are people who are willing to engage in small talk. The other thing is that the bartender is usually always willing to engage in small talk with someone who is friendly.
Movies: Buy your tickets online, and then you avoid the awkwardness of waiting in line by yourself.
Theatre: The same. There are a lot of GREAT seats that are for one only. Again, you are surrounded by people, and the people on either side of you are usually quite friendly.
Chloe,
The first time feels awful. But there must be the first, and second, and third time — if only so as to make sure that these places, concerts, films etc. are no longer associated with HIM in your mind, that you are not dependent in any way – either on him or on any other person. And, as we know, the first step towards finding the right person is learning to feel comfortable with ourselves, when we are on our own…. After all, we do not want to end up thinking “I would go there, BUT only if he, or somebody else, were there”….Otherwise we are stuck….
Chloe,
Yes. I started by doing volunteer work. Not only are you able to contribute to your community but you will also meet some amazing people through the projects. I would also look into classes: cooking yoga, meditation, dancing, school etc……. What ever interests you. There is absolutely no reason not to get out there and live your life.
Also, try Meetup.com.
Chloe,
I agree with Gaynor and Elizabeth.
Find yourself a hobby, a reading group, a knitting group, a running group (you don’t have to pay for those), anything that you enjoy doing. at first it can be daunting. I started by go and sit in my favourite cafe/bookshop (Foyles in Charing Cross Road for anyone who lives in London), the gym, a salsa class, or a restaurant where people know who i am. Now I love to go to the cinema by myself. Museums, exibitions, theatres… the lot.
If you have some money to spend (doesn’t have to be a lot) go for a haircut and some new lingerie or maybe a small treat from the body shop. basically anything that can make you feel good.
believe me it works.
Thanks. I do volunteer work at local library and I am starting to volunteer at local animal shelters. But it’s things like concerts, movies, etc., that I would hate to miss out on. Thanks for all the suggestions.
I go to movies by myself all the time. I love it. You don’t have to share your popcorn, you don’t have to listen to other people’s opinions. You can just enjoy the movie. There is no shame in it. You should participate in everything you want to do without feeling like you have to have someone by your side. And you can meet interesting people at cultural events. Just be open and your fabulous self.
Chloe,
Just one last recommendation: I would say – go out even without looking for new contacts, but just say to yourself that you are doing this in order to observe others (in a good way), to enjoy the company of strangers, to relax while being completely yourself without the pressure of having to talk to anyone or anything else…. It is fun, really. Good luck.
Ladies,
Does anybody have a positive experience with doing therapy for these things? The posts on this site helped me tremendously — I used to think it was simply my nature, my fate, to attract such people/ men. I now realise this can be changed, and booked an appointment with a counselor who was recommended to me. I was wondering whether there is anybody here who could share her experience, and whether it was helpful, in the long run…. Thanks.
‘put yourself in the driving seat, feel the pain, grieve, move on, heal, build your self-esteem and power your own life and feel infinitely better that you’re not freefalling through life waiting for some man, any man to pick you up and put you on the right path.’
awesome!
thank u, thank u, thank u!!!
It’s funny, I was doing just fine then suddenly it comes from nowhere “he’s missing me”. Well if he is, so what? Even thinking that is completely rose tinted!
The urge to contact him is in the solar plexus, but he’s a small man, scared of himself, scared of the world and absolutely no use to me at all. He leaves me in pieces and even used “I’m scared of hurting you” … not that scared of it, or he’d have made sure he didn’t do the things which did hurt me (and which any healthy guy would have no problem avoiding doing but he’s screamingly narcissistic).
Brad’s comment about humour is spot on.
I am sad that there are so many of ‘us’ out there with the same dramas regarding EUM. That said, it’s comforting and inspiring to read all of your posts here and in only a few hours, I’ve learnt a lot about myself.
My NC challenge is that my EUM is also my boss. I see him every day. How do I get out of this when finding another job is pretty hard where I live? I am searching frantically but no joy. He has taken the week off ‘sick’ and we have only had functional ‘no other choice’ work contact via email.
I am determined to break this cycle but obviously that’s easier said than done. I stopped counting my EUM relationships when I made a list earlier and got to 12…..
I found this blog a few days ago and I have gotten so much comfort out of reading everyone’s entries. I too have been involved with an EUM for two years. I have been doing the pulling and pushing with him during the majority of this time. NC is in place and has been for 12 days now. Like many women involved in these kind of relationships I have enjoyed the times together with him and then when he disappears think WTF. and look for faults in myself. But after finding sites like these where other women understand what I am going through I am beginning the healing process and for me it’s was about the loss of my Father and never dealing with that hurt since childhood I know that it has taken me to this place in life. And so grieving a loss that I never did, understanding that people in my life whom I love dearly are dealing with their own pains and it has nothing to do with me, releasing me to stop trying to fix others and fix myself. I know I will be visiting this site often because I need to get myself right for when my Mr. Right for me comes along, I have had Mr. Wrongs to many times…Thank you all for sharing your stories on here..this is a healing place…
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