on this post
Yesterday, in the first of my three part series about what I’ve learned about being the Other Woman (OW), I talked about how you’re an escape from reality, that all the cheating guys are liars, that the situation is far from being unique, that these guys are manipulators, that they rarely leave their wives or girlfriends, and that as women we treat the dysfunctional relationship we have with these men like a competitive sport.
But of course there is more.
I relate to Oprah’s admission that she felt pathetic and powerless. Often, when we are involved with attached men they reduce us to feeling or acting pathetic and they remove your power. I remember often feeling helpless and I attributed it to this overwhelming amount of feeling I had for him, but in fact, the helplessness arose from being stripped of everything I knew that was right and wrong about relationships, and also the good things about myself. All the arguing, discussing, crying, threats, ultimatums, crying, screaming, and whatever else you’re doing reduce you to feeling utterly powerless as you go round and round in a vicious circle where he never does leave ‘her’ but he keeps screwing with your mind to keep you invested. But what gets me most is that aside from feeling deep regret about my actions with him, I look back and see not only how pathetic I was at times but also remember the pitying looks that some people use to give me. How often did I hear the words “You can do better.”; “He really isn’t worth it” and “What’s a great girl like you doing with a lying cheat?”
But by the same token, whilst I realise what assclowns these men are, I also recognise that you are totally responsible for your actions. I chose to get into it, I could have chosen to get out of it, and eventually I did exactly that. It is very easy to point the finger at these guys and by God do they need a big finger pointing session, however, I am a grown woman and if I had placed a higher value on myself, and lived by the values that I normally hold myself and everyone else to, there was no way on earth that I would have allowed him to juggle us both.
You need to be in a pretty dark and dubious place to be with someone else’s man. I had broken of an engagement two months before and I really thought I was an independent, single woman passing time by having some no strings fun. Two two’s and I was so hooked in and dependent on him validating me. I look back with the wonders of 20:20 hindsight vision and realise that I had not healed from the demise of my engagement, that I had a whole lot of issues about myself and relationships that I was trying to avoid, and that being involved with him kept me as far as possible from a committed relationship.
OW’s don’t want a committed relationship because we have issues about commitment. I think that often we look at these attached guys and think that because they’re married or in a long term relationship that it demonstrates that they are capable of commitment but that they’re just in an unfortunate situation. However, his actions demonstrate that he’s not committed to anyone other than himself and my actions showed that despite my proclamations of wanting to be in a proper relationship, I couldn’t possibly have wanted that because I sought out the one man who was incapable of giving me that. We like the fantasy of what things could be like if only he’d leave her and in order to continue being with him, we have to take ourselves out of the present and focus on the if’s of the potential we see.
Unless you are a rhino, no matter what you say, OW’s do get hurt. I used to be all “I’m strong. I can handle this!” and then it was a matter of months before it was sobbing -o-clock. I know many OW’s who profess that they are totally fine with things and that they don’t hurt and they are either completely disconnected emotionally which is an even bigger problem or they’re talking out of their bums with bravado. To suggest that you’re not hurting from this, is to suggest that you don’t care about him or what he is doing, which begs the question: Why are you involved with him then?
For some women, being with someone else’s man is a power trip, particularly if you get involved with a high achieving, successful man, or even a work colleague who holds a superior position to you. Initially I thought I was this powerful woman in control of her life and just screwing a guy for fun. I liked seeing how under my spell he appeared to be but at some point the tables turned and clarity arrived showing me that I didn’t have any power at all, after all, if I had, I’d have walked away! Sometimes the power is derived from knowing that you have someone else’s man in the palm of your hand and this is actually quite twisted. It’s never just about the sex or the power because we get drawn in emotionally, particularly when the sex is great, and there is only so much power you can derive from a man who pops up when it suits and then skips home to his wife or girlfriend.
You become a master at expecting less and living off crumbs. In terms of a relationship, OW’s represent a person in a third world country struggling for food. What little ‘food’ and ’sustenance’ you get, you’re very grateful for but that doesn’t detract from the fact that you’re still ‘hungry’ and you’re still lacking. Being with an attached man and pretending that you’re OK with things is a bit like when you break your leg but try to downplay the pain because there are other people out there with bigger problems than you. Yes that may be so, but the legs still fecking broken and the leg still fecking hurts! The trouble with being on OW is that you’re always chasing the loaf but keeping getting the crumbs and an occasional crust whilst the main woman gets the greater part of the bread, and this also represents all that is missing out of your life. He’s not rationalising her down to crumbs to give you the main chunk! It’s the other way round!
I love it when a plan comes together…but that just doesn’t happen for OW’s. From the moment that we realise that we’re in to deep and that he’s not exactly rushing to leave her, we always have a plan to extricate ourselves. The plan just doesn’t come together though so you’re revising and editing it, justifying why you should hold on for a little longer. Deadlines come and go, ultimatums quickly become redundant and after a while you’re too scared of what will happen if you do go.
As an OW you live in fear, whether it’s acknowledged or not. We are scared of not being able to find someone who treats us properly and doesn’t have the baggage of a wife and girlfriend. We’re afraid that if we leave, they’ll think that we didn’t love them enough and that we abandoned them and then will decide to stay with their wives. We’re afraid that if we walk away, we’ll discover that he’s left her but gone to someone else. We’re afraid that if we walk away, he’ll still be with her in five years time which make you have to face the cold, hard, reality. We’re afraid of committing to ourselves so instead we commit to someone who is doomed to disappoint us and make us feel less than.
Check out Part 1 if you haven’t read it
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9 responses so far ↓
1 Dating Advice - Anything ‘08 : Blog Archive : Being The Other Woman - The Lessons I Learnt - Part 2 // Jan 23, 2008 at 3:23 pm
[...] Sara wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptYesterday, in the first of my three part series about what I’ve learned about being the Other Woman (OW), I talked about how you’re an escape from reality, that all the cheating guys are liars, that the situation is far from being unique, that these guys are manipulators, that they rarely leave their wives or […] [...]
2 Nada // Jan 25, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Well, yes I agree with the articles but they seem to focus entirely on how the OW gets a bad deal. There is a big difference between the average Mr Unavailable and the guy in a relationship. The existence of a wife and/or a family at the other end. This gets a mention at the beginning of the first article (cite Oprah) but not anywhere else (maybe article number three?). By being the other woman you are actually hurting somebody else than just yourself. Sure the guy might be a jerk, but that is still a terrible blow to his family.
3 Been There // Jan 25, 2008 at 7:49 pm
These articles are straight to the point about being the OW. Yes he is a manipulator to the wife as well. The wife is someone we do need to discus but for now im looking at this article lean more for me personally being the OW. Well I once was. Realizing that we all seem to think our MM are different from the others. When all in all they are not. What im getting out of this article is what we all have or are going through with our MM at some point. Reading about the Wife would be an interesting topic the truth about His Wife because yes she is there and she is hurting and she is real. For now im glad to read what has been posted. I felt very alone being the OW. embarrassed to tell family or friends I was in love with one. No one to talk with what I was feeling. To read about someone else who has felt the same love, pain , hurt and anger in the same way as me has helped me tremendously. Thanks for these post.
4 otterwoman // Jan 26, 2008 at 8:06 pm
I write as an OW too. the thing is that I don’t beleive that he took my power. he never got close enough to me to even really see me. I GAVE my power up, thinking if I tried harder he’d leave her, if I worked smarter, if I was this or that, that I’d “win” him! That was ME who did that.
Sure, I was putty in his hands, but I did that to myself, and I broke my own heart.
I have also been the wife and been cheated on, and let me tell you, that sort of heart break is completely different– that REALLY is betrayal, that really is being devastated, having the rug pulled out from under you. If you can’ trust your life partner, who can you trust?
I realized I’d rather be the OW than the betrayed Wife anyday. He really is breaking her heart, and maybe his own. But mine? I am breaking my own because I am doing something I know I shouldn’t. From the get-go, I knew I shouldn’t. And he never lied to me or gave me the impression he would leave her, or loved me more. I made up the seriousness of the content of our connection, and my psyche took that ball and run with it, making us, in my mind and heart, a way more serious deal than in fact we were.
It’s the nature of the role of OW, and IMO, it’s the ROLE that reduces good strong beautiful women to little crumb gobbling mousy things.
the men in question… they are really no big deal. NO one takes advantage of you without your consent.
If you are an OW and not having a good time, don’t drag it out. It can go on forever. Just stop being stupid, grow up, and do what you know you probably should have done already.
If it’s still fun and not bothering you when he’s away, then enjoy it while it lasts– remembering you’re outta there the moment you no longer feel good.
Otter
5 Been There // Jan 27, 2008 at 6:18 am
Hey Otter, That was painfully direct. Its truthful.
6 cheekie // Jan 27, 2008 at 8:59 am
Hmmm, even more thought provoking that Part 1.
The big one that got me was the attaching yourself to an attached man because YOU are emotionally unavailable…for whatever reason.
I honestly believe that is true. From both personal experience and from hearing friends stories (male and female- there are OM’s out there too)
I think that we try to save ourselves the pain of yet another doomed relationship by having a relationship that is already doomed to begin with, and we know it. No surprises, no hope, no real commitment whatsoever.
No matter how delusional we might get thinking they might leave their spouse, we do go right into it knowing this. We do, even if we choose to ignore our gut.
So, that might be what we want or need at that point in time. But at who’s expense? Ours? His? His family’s? Easy to get caught up and trapped in a life of non-commitment…but as Otter said above. When it ain’t fun anymore, get out, FAST.
Ah man, what’s life without drama eh? We would be in a blogless world that’s for sure!
7 Being The Other Woman - The Lessons I Learnt - Part 3 // Jan 28, 2008 at 7:58 pm
[...] women we treat the dysfunctional relationship we have with these men like a competitive sport. In part 2, I discussed how we’re responsible for our actions, how they remove our power, how we need to [...]
8 molly // Mar 8, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I’m the OW and up until now just felt alone, ashamed & consumed. Constantly consumed.
I’m trying to give excuses for my MM and whether he is just stuck in a situation or just an EUM. He never wanted to commit to his wife, but she gave him an ultimatum and he couldn’t be bothered to put up and fight or start gain, that is the first red flag.
Reading all the forums has helped, but I toss back and forth from ‘thats it, its over’ to ‘he’s the love of my life, I’ll’ wait’. Its pathetic and knowing that his wife is right in thinking he’s having an affair and him being able to still go on seeing me, makes me feel sick sometimes. He has a kid and the last thing I want is to break his heart and hers. Though if there was a pill to take all this hurt away, I’m not sure I’d take it because its addictive. I think I’m addicted to being unhappy. I got married 4 years ago, after a difficult period we sorted everything out, I got over his infedelity, not like me at all, I’m jelaous and insecure. I couldn’t let him go, after 6 months I gradually let him back in, he was like a puppy, did everything for me, we we’re really happy for a long time.
Then I started a new job and met my MM. I’d walked through the door, sat next to him and within 5 miuntes that was it, smitten. After a few months, I liked him, even though he was married and acted like a ‘lad about town’. He was used to putting on a front. Then one day he came in all red eyed and tired, his kid was ill and they’d thought it was serious, he was distrought. That was it, I saw a side I wanted to see more of.
A year later, we’re on. off, on, off, he loves me, he avoids me, he loves his kid too much to leave, I love my husband, I want more from him, we argue, he hides. I know that me and my MM have no future, if we did we’d have committed to each other and owned up to our partners by now. We are unavailable to each other and our partners. How’s that for a screwy situation?
I said he needs to break up with me and mean it, but he says he can’t lie. I want kids soon, I can’t wait for him to get balls.
I suggested he got a job somewhere else near to where he lives (he travel 3hrs a day), then he’d be less stressed, get on with his misses and we could get on with our lives. He nearly went, then decided to stay, he jokes that it was because of me.
Is he EUM, he jokes and comes out with crass comments than actually talking about feelings?
9 karin // Mar 19, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Once you become a parent you are a role model. Everything you do must be an OK thing for you children to do (or OK for someone else to do to your children). I wonder how many women who cheat with married men would like to see thier daughter’s husbands cheater??? If you endorse infedility in you behavior it may revisit your life in unexpected ways.
Like the 55 year old married man with a 25 year old girlfriend. How would he like to see his 25 year old daughter dating his girlfriend’s father?
If it is OK it must be OK.
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