Most people who have been on the crappy end of the stick of an unhealthy relationship, really struggle with forgiveness, which is unsurprising when you consider that forgiveness is often mistaken for reconciliation, or a misguided conclusion that the person who ‘wronged’ you will change, or that you’re going to get struck by some sort of emotional lightening where birds sing and unicorns come skipping through.
For a start, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, that forgiveness that’s basically done under duress where you’ve been badgered and guilted into ‘letting go’ is never sincere. There’s a lack of respect for how you feel and there’s this expectation that you have to let go on the other person’s beat, when their beat may actually be “Please hurry the eff up and erase this incident so I can forget about it.”
I don’t need to forgive any of my exes, just like I don’t need to do some sort of roll call and round up everyone in my life that has pissed me off or hurt me. This doesn’t mean that I’m bearing any grudges or wishing them any ill – I’m just not that powerful. It’s not like someone does something to you and then a court order goes out that tells the other person that their life cannot proceed until you’ve granted them forgiveness. Often, as many of you have discovered, they get on with their lives regardless, and then you’re left there with this fiery ball of resentment, frustration, and anger.
Forgiveness has its most powerful effect on you, simply because whether you actively think about the fact that you haven’t forgiven them or find it difficult to forgive yourself, the greatest impact will be felt by you.
What many of us don’t realise is that when we have a pretty fragile relationship with ourselves and struggle with admitting what we consider are ‘mistakes’ or ‘failures’, plus struggle with disappointment and what we perceive as rejection, we make judgements about ourselves. This is why all it takes is for you to have one experience where you internalise negative conclusions about yourself, to change how you feel about you, your subsequent relationships, and life in general. Then imagine that you have several experiences or have long ago judged yourself as a child – each incident is then thrown into the big rejection and hurt pot and seen as further confirmation of the judgement you’ve made.
Experience has taught me, that the first step in letting go of anger, resentment, and frustration is really making an initial decision to begin to let it go and then committing to it so that your efforts are geared towards resolution and moving forward instead of throwing fat and coal on the fire. This is because much as we may like to think that saying it means it’s gone, we all know that the feeling is still there.
You have to make a choice about where you continue to put your energy – in finding more reasons to be angry and to punish you, or repairing your relationship with you. Opting for the former, is like when you take someone back after they’ve cheated on you claiming that you’ve forgiven them, and then keep reminding them at every opportunity.
A couple of days ago, I had to lay it down to my wedding dress designer. Six weeks of being passive aggressively managed by text, calls being dodged, and me already having paid, I drew my line. Firmly. The dress was either to be collected at 5pm yesterday or I’d walk away and have a refund. The dress was collected. The moment the best man said that he had my dress, drama was over.
Of course, the whole saga did mean that earlier that day, I’d wondered if I should tell her to stick my dress where the sun doesn’t shine. I don’t appreciate being mugged off and due to growing up in a high drama environment, I try to keep the drama to a minimum in my life. Would the dress mean all sorts of negative things? Would it be symbolic of me letting myself down?
Er, no. It’s just a dress. My problem was with the designer, not the dress.
Could I have done a few things differently? Due to the way that she operated, the key things would have been, 1) raised my concern about the lack of communication in that first two week period where the spidey senses were going and 2) turned off my accommodating switch around the same time.
Does me dropping the ball and her own behaviour represent me having low self-esteem or an opportunity to judge myself? No – there are things I can learn but I sure as hell am not going to internalise this experience and give a silk dress that much power over me.
And maybe this is what we need to remember about forgiveness – the judgements we’ve made about ourselves that are preventing us from moving forward, don’t have to remain in place. Your experiences don’t have to have the retain the meanings that you’ve given them.
When I stopped judging myself so harshly (which was ridiculous really because like a lot of people, I judged myself waaaaay harder than I ever judged any person I was involved with), and was actually more compassionate with me and listened, I changed the perception of myself in the context of these experiences.
You can too. You being in a relationship with someone who treated you without love, care, trust, and respect, doesn’t have to mean that you’re doomed, or that the last chance saloon has gone, or that you’re not good enough, or that you’re unlovable. It doesn’t.
I’ve spoken/corresponded with so many readers who have had similar childhood experiences, such as an absent father – so much of the resentment, frustration, anger, and grief in me faded away when the meaning of his absence stopped being “My father wasn’t around because I wasn’t good enough.” Instead, his absence is a reflection of him and his relationship with my mother. I’m just not that powerful.
If you’ve done things that leave you feeling embarrassed or even humiliated, bathing in blame and shame is not going to help you. Being compassionate and supporting yourself to overcome what brought you to this juncture in the first place is putting you on a path to forgiving you. You’ve got to start somewhere – you can keep raking over something and doing stuff that basically punishes you, but the fact that you’d do this means that you’d never really be in enough of an objective position to know where to say ‘enough’ and focus on recovery.
Should you be punishing yourself anyway? Isn’t that just repeating behaviour that keeps you stuck in a cycle from your childhood? It’s like taking on the role of being an aggressor and warden in your life. You need your love.
You also have to recognise that if and when you do forgive someone, they’re not going to change a perception that you have of you or your experiences. Just ask someone who doesn’t feel good enough that tends to blame themselves for everything – when someone tells them it’s not their fault, they just find something else to flog themselves with.
Sometimes you’ll say it out loud that you forgive you, and sometimes you’ll look up from a life that you’ve been gradually moving on from a painful experience and recognise that you’re feeling good and treating you well. What I do know is that as long as you participate in a painful situation or keep reliving it or decide that you can’t proceed until you’ve completed your self-imposed purgatory, you will continue to feel anger and resentment that’s not going anywhere, so you don’t get to give way to the lesson in your experiences and the opportunity for growth.
Your thoughts?
Oh and my assistant Kate and I finally made a trailer for Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl that went live a little while ago.
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl to change your perception of you and your relationship experiences.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
• 
• 
• 
• 
Related Posts
156 Responses to Can You Forgive You?
Get Notified When There’s A New Post
Natalie’s Books
I'm also on Google+.
Here is why I forgive me. I was a child of a functional alcoholic(my Mum)and a Dad who was weak,sometimes heavy drinking, sometimes’away’.
My emotional life as a child was chaotic, sometimes normal, even regulated…sometimes no holds barred,arguments,violence.
I hid my life from school, friends,wanted to pretend that things were more normal. From an early age I had control issues.
Positively, I looked after my Sis, who was four years younger, did v.well at school because it was consistent, had my grandparents who became increasingly hands on. I survived and developed skills to adulthood.
My relationship history ‘varied’.
Sorry pressed button by mistake…cont/ I looked for attention from men to validate myself, I was eating disordered(obsessive exercise) from late teens to mid twenties. My pregnancy and birth of my son sorted that. I married a man I fancied but was incompatible with, thankfully a pretty good guy,dutiful, steadfast, older(go figure), but after a decade was dying inside. Professionally I did pretty well, I was still bookish girl. I did what I said I would do and put two fingers up to my upbringing..when my marriage ended, old stuff returned. Alkie relationship of four years, co dependency city, and a text book EUM. Not great.
Today, I forgive myself. I analyse a bit and am gentle with other bits of my past. I am hopeful of love. I have my terms. I creep into my late forties, sometimes worrying about my age and time that has past but generally focused and positive. I have a beautiful adult son of gentle and caring ways. I work on my need for control daily. I value and love this site. I did a lot right. I know this.
Lynda,
It seems that a lot of us after a (whatever quality) marriage fell for EU men. I wonder if it happens because we might not be ready to date at that time yet (despite thinking we are oh so ready for something better right away)?
No probs Magnolia. I didn’t explain things well at the outset so I understand where your reply was coming from. I myself was wondering if I was acting inappropriately as a result of feeling lonely! After writing about it I don’t think I was though. I have since had contact initiated to me by my ‘friend’. I missed the call & left a message in return but am leaning toward her being standoffish due to being busy with study? Otherwise perhaps it’s a bit of both? Still observing here (& quite a long way from forgiving myself fully re xAC but accepting this is ok for now)…
Pls Natalie, help me out on here. This post is sooo written for me. My ex has been saying he is busy with new job and dont want to see me since oct 2011. I understand the fact that he doesnt want to be with me due to in the past I been going back and fourth with my actions and he had given me a lot of chances but I blew them away. Ever since then, I been living in guilt and hate myself every minute for it. I did some self reflection, which I know what my mistakes are and I swear wont do that again.
Secretly I been praying that my ex will contact me again. I know I m pathetic, but I am afraid if I call him, I will some cold answers and prob start crying again. Please help me.
Nemo
If you haven’t seen him for four months (or even four weeks) it’s over. I don’t know the full story of your relationship but I don’t need to know it. Even if you had been the perfect girlfriend (whatever that is), he can still finish it if that’s what he wants, and you need to respect that.
If you made mistakes you need to learn from them and get on with YOUR life, not pursue someone who has been avoiding you since October. Pursuing him is another mistake.
If you’re too scared to phone him, what do you have anyway?
I made some bad mistakes in a previous relationship too. Sometimes I want to find him to apologise but it’s the wrong thing to do. It’s about making myself feel better rather than making him feel better – I hope he has moved on. Sure, if I bumped into him in the street I would say my piece (provided he was on his own) but I’m not going to HUNT HIM DOWN.
Also, I question whether you have progressed as much as you think you have. Your comment indicates a high level of obsession, guilt, and self-hatred. None of those things are conducive to a good relationship. If you do re-establish contact, it’s going to blow up in your face because you are bringing TOO MUCH BAGGAGE.
The only thing you can do right now is concentrate on yourself. Get yourself to a place where you could call him and NOT cry. That’s if you still want to call him by then. You may find that you don’t.
And be careful of constantly revisiting the past. That’s how I spent years in relationships I should have just walked from, including the one I mentioned above. I should have just left it the first time we split up.
thank you Grace, wt does that mean by revisiting the past? like thinking about old memories, happy times?
Nemo,
I’m sorry that you are experiencing these feelings. I’ve been there too and can still go there. I agree with Grace. Give yourself some space, distance, and time to sort through your feelings. You are experiencing really important feelings.
In addition to Grace’s comments, give a few moments to think about the possibility that he may be blaming you. It’s taken me over a year to move from blaming myself to becoming accountable for my mistakes and moving out of the blame-shame cycle . Our situations may not be similar because I don’t know your background. However, Natalie’s post speaks volumes about taking responsibility for yourself, being accountable to yourself, and moving toward forgiveness of yourself.
I did the secretly hoping he’d contact me thing too. Then when he did, I’d eagerly respond. I would break down and initiate contact and he’d eagerly respond. Same story, different day, every time. I’m afraid to actually add up the years but I think it’s been upwards of three and a half years in this push-me-pull-you boom-a-rang situation.
No matter what you think you did wrong (you’ll have to address that with you) or what he thinks you did wrong, it may be time to cut the cord, wipe the slate clean, forgive yourself, and move on.
Like Grace, I’ve spent too many years revisiting the past and staying in relationships/marriages I should have never entered. I don’t want to pull the age card but at 52, almost 53, I’m left wondering what I was thinking at 20, 30 and 40 something. Take the parachute now and jump now. Jump into your own life.
Trust me, I’m still trying and I have good days and some bad ones. I know, after reading BR and all the comments, it is possible to turn things around. Nat’s the perfect example as are so many others. It takes a ton of work and a tremendous focus on YOU. So, I’ll read my comment to you in the morning and wonder if I was writing to you or to me! Give yourself a three month break at a minimum to focus on you. In 90 days, it’ll be a bit different. I had to do it in 90 day increments. Every 90 days or so, I had to see if I was still going to get burned by the fire, yup, I did. I think after over a year and half of getting burned, I get it. I hope you can hear what Natalie, Grace, and I, and the other are saying. Focus on you. I know I need to do this too.
thank you Runnergirlno1 !
that is so enlightening , while i am reading it, I am trying to absorb as much as possible so I can remind myself that. My father passed last sept during first week of school and I had this break up on Oct. It was a lot to go through and I can say it was the worst time period of my life.
Thank you for this article Natalie. I am a recovering assclown addict and am in the final stages of a long 2 year recovery. You have touched me with this article because I feel that this is pretty much the most important thing about the whole process – forgiveness and not forgiving the married EU/AC but forgiving me for being the silly woman that I was. My experience, like so many others, was a present father in the physical sense, but extremely EU. In fact both my parents were EU, mostly because of a semi-fanatical religion they belonged to that took over their whole lives. The experience with the latest AC was the straw that broke the camel’s back and like you said just another “rejection” to add to the pile of rejection poop I had gathered in my backyard. I finally realized, after much soul searching and reading this blog that the common denominator in all of it was ME. I was choosing to stay a victim, I blamed myself for the relationship’s demise, it was ALL my fault that my ex AC was gone. I must have done something because everything I touch turns to poop. That was wrongheaded thinking. Just so wrong. I am beautiful in my own way & a valuable person in society and by forgiving ME for making the mistakes I made it freed me up to realize all the good things about me, I was able to let go of the ex AC in every way, and I got my self esteem back – well it’s a work in progress, but I am 99% there. Thanks so much Natalie. Your posts are timely and so relatible. Bless you for helping me see that I am stronger than any one or thing, as long as I let it be so.
I would just like to say thankyou to all the women and nat for this website, basicsally i haven drifting along in a dream world for some time. I was married for 18 yrs to a mental bully who squished my spirit and confidence , i was a mouse and in the last years i started to fight back, i grew unhappy with my marriage , i saw my friend have a affair and wanted the excitment so i to started one even tho i knew it would end badly. This man was due to be married and had cheated before , he was a friend and worked his way in , i sucked up the warmth and attention , yes thinking i was a exception . It got heavy and intense for 6 months then he ended it came back and ended it again , i fell apart , tried to make a go of my marriage. I went no contact for 8 weeks but sent a closure email , i wanted him to see the hurt he’d caused (but i had as well). he got back in touch and there its been ever seen , wed meet once a week for coffee he’d text id hope he’d come back. when i moved to my own place it got physical again a lunch booty call for him and because he knows id crawl on the floor for him he could take it or leave it , its been 4 odd yrs of me living from week to week .But these last few months i’ve been trying to get away like a bird on a gluey branch not quite making it till i got wind from another women and my gut instinct that there’s a new women, i called him on and hes deneid it but he forgets i see the signs. so every time i feel like texting i know hes texting her i stop. he actually took me out two weeks ago and i said these 5 hrs are the longest i spent in your company , oh hed still shag me ,and that in itself drives home the fact he don’t care bout me ,her or anyone else. PLEASE PLEASE help me with this , i’m trying so hard but its the constant thinking bout him day after day, its like after all these yrs i’ve trained my brain and i cant stop, its knowing i mean fuck all to him and yet he meant everything, i know that 6 month man long gone , and really being totally on my own no contact i don’t want to do , but if any of you out there that can help i really like your advice.x
mouse
remember how you feel now. right it down in a feelings diary and when you get the urge to contact him, read it back and tell yourself I WILL ONLY GET MORE OF THE SAME. Delete his number, block him on FB.
The obsession I am familiar with. At it’s worse I had to take ADs for a few months. That may not be for you but counselling (for you, not couples counselling) will be beneficial IF you look for a counsellor you hit it off with and are willing to be helped and to help yourself. You’re wasting your time and money if you just complain about how you can’t do this and can’t do that (I say that with love having done the very same myself).
14 years of being bullied is not going to leave you feeling your best (to say the least). Cut yourself a break.
NC doesn’t mean you will be totally alone. Aren’t you alone already? NC is a time to make new friends, reconnect with old friends, see your family, take up exercise, sort out your diet, look after yourself. You make NC harder for yourself if you stay home crying and telling yourself you’ll never get over it. I cried in my sleep. The sound of it woke me up. I more than got over it and so will you.
Sure, cry, but limit it. Put “crying time” in your calendar and spend the rest of the day doing more positive stuff.
>>You make NC harder for yourself if you stay home crying and telling yourself you’ll never get over it.<<
Yes. Tell yourself you CAN do this, you CAN accept that it's over, you CAN move on, it's totally possible, you CAN be strong.
As a doula, one of the things I was taught is how important a mindset during birthing can be, and if a woman starts falling into, "I can't do this…" it is SO vital to redirect her mind to, "I CAN do this, I AM doing this," because it's TRUE and important to notice the REALITY of it!
I take another part of Grace’s reply- “NC is a time to make new friends, reconnect with old friends, see your family, take up exercise, sort out your diet, look after yourself.”
I need urgently to take that lesson into relationships.
I’ve even moved bank accounts as part of NC and trying to love myself. I didn’t like my old irresponsible, dirty-dealing and exploitative bank but thought that i was locked in it for life and deserved no better because of my wasteful spending and poor financial management in the past. Well, I chose a better bank and it accepted me and my debts and didn’t care about my dodgy history, the point was I’d worked hard and got things in a good enough order and that was all that mattered. Sound familiar?
Mouse, I can’t add anything to the brilliant comments you have already, except to say I’ve gone to pieces with the same kind of thinking about him constantly, to the point where I walked 5 miles, came home and felt no different, still couldn’t function normally on that day. But without trying to sound glib, tomorrow is another day and a new page, and that new chapter will come as you steadily redirect your thought patterns.
thankyou so much for your kind words . I have as ive tried to break free wrote a list of things i want to do to help my confidence, like sing at karoke , silly things but things id not do becauseim to scared. I go out and have made new friends and still seee my old ones ,the one thing i did do rallies and that help but hes in a band and he has started to get gigs at some of these things , i ignored him at the last one and was actually quite calm and at peace i was in my element ,he look out of place . I will not give up what i have done and love not over some ac. I have left a note on my fridge and in the mornings when the urge is strongest i read the note , it says “dont go begging from crumbs when someone eles gets the cake , stop i mean stop making a plum of yourself .YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. i was under the exstreme fantasy that because he still here years later was because he cared , WRONG due to this site i woke up it was because im a option , a causaul aquaintence he can get his ego stroke and being in a band its all bout him… thankyou once again and i wish all of you happy happy lives living for you and anyone lucky to find you girls.x
I had counselling when he left. and it helped she was a lovely lady and she said i choose to go there. I beeen a doormat all my life with fellas and friends i never get over breaks up well i cling on. he made sure he kept his toe in door , wed meet for coffee and kiss and cuddle he said cant do anymore im married now , what was the diff! but as soon as i got aplace of my own it got phsyical tbh i moved out thinking hed come back if i got a place of my own , and he paniced thinking fresh start for me new life so he paid me attention again he blows hot and cold. but he told me a vauge story but two women at his gigs and i smelled a rat i asked him and he said nothing . Then one of these women got in touch via fb and said she sure he seeing her mate it was like a punch in the stomach so i called him on it, he said yeh i like her i wanted somthing to happen it didnt as it not the answer , dont no why as i like her so ther was my big round hard slapp in the face for me , hes not on my fb his is open so i blocked him and went no contact for a two days . i got a text you not talking and then i take it thats a no then and then nothing. i went off for a weekend and his band there i could see him watching me and i just acted like he wernt there , but to my shame i crumbled and text him he bumped into me outside and cuddled me saying sorry for being so grumpy and i asked are you seeeing this women no he replied. well i got back and he s text but hes back to norm and bang he asks me to go away with him and he took me out one morning , im like why your not interested in me why you suddenly after all this time want me to go to gigs away, i think it was future mate faking coz he feels guilt coz he knows hes hurt me and feels bad . i know this is all bullshit , he also meant to buying a guitar of me for atiny amount of money hes got loads but hes given me a tiny amount ob so he can text me up to say he got rest, or he thinks like i know he does shell come crawling along soon enough with a hello how are you or do you still want this guitar. i hope this nxt women is the boiler type and when he gets bored she wont go quietly . I got what i derserved so read mine and take it as a warning , doing deciet you get deciet back in the end . sorry for my bad english love to you all.
little mouse,
If I am following this story right, it sounds like you were married when you met him and had an affair, in part to ease getting out of your marriage. Meanwhile, he *got* married, and is still married.
Forget about which woman on facebook might be coming to his gigs and getting his attention — he is married! He’s a serial cheater and he’s using you and anyone else he wants for ego strokes and nookie on the side and because having a secret life is fun for him and is a little “eff you” to his wife for expecting honesty and commitment.
Can you get some counseling (there are a lot of free or low-cost options)? You have to see who he is, really. It’s not just that he hasn’t and won’t give you a real relationship, it’s that he is not a good person or a mature man. Maybe obsessing about this has protected you from feeling and dealing with all of the emotional abuse and disappointment from your marriage.
Inxay
yes you are right. i started dating when i was about 18 and the two or three relationships i had before my husband were with moody or disinterested men i chased and became a doormat the last one bf my husband i was a fwb for 6 months after he kicked me in to touch. I met my husband and moved in after a month i thought this man actually wanted me as a proper girlfriend , i was a very mellow girl travelling about the country and time with him soon reduced me to a lack off self confidence. he was very critical and i was a mousey looking dumpling, he knew how to upset , with comments like “run along little girl” or the silent treatment after a row or when i bought stuff up. i got angry and when we row i would shout to stop a row he spat in my face on two occasions and the resentment inside burned , he is a very strong man and used to fight alot in his youth but stopped all that when he met me . he ha spushed me over a couple of times , i had two children with him but nothing i did was good enough i worked and worked part time , i kept a clean house and stayed at home , the last straw was during a row he knelt on my arms in front of the kids , i hid behind a curtain in front room as i didnt want the kids to see me cry , it was little while after , i got talking to mm. he had been having a affair with my friend it had eneded and he talke d to me about it i just then saw him as a friend but over the months he text all day every day he got to me he cracked the nut and the affair started even tho i see him dump my friend , i make no exscuses for my behaviour i hated my husband and i was angry and i wanted loving so i threw it all out window, the mm decalred he loved me said i was the only girl he cried over all the usually suck u in and spit u out stuff and because this was all new to me i sucked it all in. but of course he tired of keeping this up and got shot of me and demoted me to MATE gradually over the years he knows how i feel . all that the girls above have replied is THE TRUTH and i must act abone it , i have got slighty better i did meet a single man a yr ago but he wwanted a hook up and i cut contact quick as i didnt want to go chasing down same path , i got over him real quick and am now friends with him and the girl he wont admit to seeing.lol so where am i , well im waking up as i read the advice here and all the questions my crazy…
mind had been answered. i havent heard from him since fri , he doesnt even bother to finish a text conversation with me, i never text him he texts me . but normally i start to wobble is it me have i done somthing to upset him no cynth hes found some one new to chase and get his ego stroke she to has now left her marraige or so i told so thats three broken marragiges to his credit whilst his carries on. but if i look at it im just pissed he rather be with her than me , at least now im admitting the truth and looking at my part in it. i cant do friends with him it hurts to much. i hate the fact i go week to week if i hear , whilst he doesnt even give me time of day what with work bands etc asy for him to forget. im trying to fill my life up with other stuff im scared ill never feel what i did with him ever again with someone eles . But im clinging on to a big nothing and i gotta let go , i know i should block him on fb but does that look like it bothers me or just carry on like he nothing to me.
Why is it that some men are so good at what they do? I went from being a stable classy woman with a good self esteem and morals to having something short of a breakdown over this one man. I still shake my head wondering what happened. Baggage Reclaim is “always” right about my” responsibility in this whole thing. I should have not had SEX with him!!! That is the mistake and always is always the mistake with these guys! Sex is the power and it is what we give them sometimes so easily, or even if not once the prize is taken or we fall for them they are done with the challenge of it all. Then it becomes either a fallback girl for his lonely days or NEXT!!. To me giving him sex was like giving him my soul and that is what killed me and will ALWAYS kill me, because he took it and used it and it mean NOTHING to him except power and games. I played don’t get me wrong, but my motives were love, not sex. It was never sex. Sex is special, sex is precious and sex is supposed to be love. I will never make that mistake again. Never! I love you Nat