Over parts one, two, and three of this series, I’ve explained how compatibility, type, and common interests are three things that can be pretty dangerous when you have been in a number of poor relationships because aside from you not looking at the bigger picture and looking at these things in context, you may have some unhealthy or misguided ideas that are driving your choices. Today, it’s finally time to talk about ‘type’.
I’m going to be blunt – If you’re someone who claims to have a ‘type’, talks about it and rests her proverbial sword on it, and has found herself courting misery, ambiguity and all of the other negative stuff and hasn’t been able to have successful relationships with her ‘type’, he’s not your ‘type’!
He’s your illusion, he’s your nightmare, he’s your fears, he’s your pain in the ass, but he most certainly is not your type.
Your type should be able to make you feel good for longer than ‘moments’ or fleeting highs.
Your type shouldn’t come with drama and excess baggage. Your type should be someone who can consistently make you feel good throughout the relationship and allow you to be yourself.
Having a ‘type’ is about justifying why you are not open to making a different choice.
If you imagine someone sitting you down and asking you what type of man will run you ragged, leave you in self-doubt, give you fleeting highs with many lows, and cater to your negative beliefs about yourself and run down your self-esteem, it’s your type. Particularly for the women who find themselves with men who treat them badly, you could remove the window dressing from your aspirations and just say ‘My type is *ssholes!’
When you are habitually involved with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, you will discover that you are the type of person that has made excuses and allowances for poor behaviour and has struggled or even outright refused to opt out, because it’s been preferential to dine on the illusion and hope that he would change.
‘Type’ is about choosing a particular type of person because you think that it’s what is most attractive to you and what will make you happy.
However, type is about following a pattern, and if you have discovered that you have a penchant for Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns, you have unhealthy relationship patterns, and have been choosing unhealthy men because you have an unhealthy or toxic type.
For a start, most of us don’t even know who the hell we are anymore as we’ve lost ourselves in a series of Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns. You can’t possibly know what makes you happy, because trust me, if you did, the first thing you have to ask yourself is:
If I know what makes me happy, why am I continuously opting for the unhappy route in the hope that one day it will make me happy?
Why not just cut straight to the chase and choose a man that is reflective of the values that you chase at end of the tunnel, instead of squeezing a poor candidate through the round hole when he’s actually ‘square’?
Even scarier, many of us mistake the feeling of the familiarity of something or some catering to our fears as passion, excitement, and ‘love’, when in actual fact it’s fear.
Remember, pain is not love, it’s just pain.
Type has you blinded because type it’s never really about aspiring to be with someone who with the aesthetic and sexual appeal, also has strong values, and loves, respects, trusts, and cares about you.
Type is very much tied up in the unimportant. It’s about making the nice-to-have-but-unnecessary -things a priority and forgetting about the important things that will actually determine the success of the relationship.
Because you are chasing a feeling, as discussed in part two, your ‘type’ is reflective of the types of things that you believe will generate this ‘feeling’.
Your type and your relationships are often tied into illusions, so you’ve been projecting your ‘type’ onto this feeling and not sanity checking whether your ‘feelings’ and your ‘type’ are compatible.
You want to feel good in a good relationship but your beliefs about yourself, love, and relationships mean that you have a type that caters to the beliefs, that’s actually incompatible with the feeling.
Your type allows you to create excuses to keep fishing from the same pool, but your pool that you’re drawing from is making you unhappy.
Choosing same man, different package just does not work.
You may be trying to reconnect with traits and behaviours of someone that you either last recall feeling vaguely good with or who you would like to right the wrongs of the past with. Your ‘type’ may represent the one that got away, your father, your first boyfriend who let you down, the guy that broke your heart, but ‘type’ can often be about proving something to yourself.
Type is about nurturing your pattern and keeping it alive.
Some women have been chasing the love and attention of their father who was tall, dark, handsome, with a desire to have a music/acting/art career that never did quite take off, ever since they were a child, and their daddy’s just been replaced by boyfriends that fit the mould.
At the end of the day, type is only as good as the men you end up with.
If your type yields the happy, solid relationship you want, yay for you, but if your type means that you welcome the waifs and strays of the dating pool that rely on you having little or no boundaries, you have a toxic type that’s going to hinder your prospects, play havoc with your self-esteem, and stop you from getting the relationship you profess to want.
Much like when I talked about the compatibility issue, there’s no point in going on about your type if it doesn’t bring you success because all you’re doing is making yourself comfortable with b*llshit and men who are poor prospects for a relationship.
Your ‘type’ is an illusion because whilst in your mind it makes you happy, in reality, it does the opposite.
You spend your time trying to get the illusion and the reality to marry up so that you can justify your investment and avoid looking more closely at your choices because you are afraid of change and what that will mean to you.
Type is about catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy where we say we want to be happy and in a relationship, but we end up sabotaging our own efforts by choosing men that offer the least likely possibility of delivering on our desires.
We then get to be right and say what chumps they are (and they often are) but it’s more comfortable for us to keep trying our hand with the familiarity of our type than it is to branch out into unknown territory.
Type is often superficial and I’m not saying that your guy shouldn’t have aesthetic appeal or share some of your interests but it’s unrealistic to keep chasing a figment of your imagination or to keep chasing just the superficial and paying no heed to whether the core values stack up to yield a decent man who can give you a decent relationship.
A reader said to me recently, ‘Of course I want to be happy and fall in love but I just don’t find guys who aren’t my type attractive. I like guys who like outdoor pursuits, you know, adventure stuff, healthy, likes walking and mountaineering’
The woman is so fricking miserable it’s scary! There she is traipsing up and down mountains with him and he hardly talks to her. He’s adventurous alright – he likes the adventure of flirting with other women on trips and shagging around behind her back. He’s healthy, works out, but is rather vain and takes pot shots at her about her own appearance and weight. I mean jeez, couldn’t she forgo focusing on these shared interests and maybe focusing on someone who makes her feel good, even if he’s waiting for her at the bottom of the mountain to take her home instead of walking on it with her?
She’s not looking at the bigger picture.
You don’t need a mirror image of your fantasy because much like when people discover that living out their sexual fantasy isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be, it may be time for you to start getting real in the real world.
Wouldn’t it be better for your type to be focused around the type of relationship that you want and feeling good, positive, and being treated well as opposed to being focused on the superficial qualities that often make up ‘type’ and yield men that you end up being incompatible with?
Because remember, compatibility, type, and ‘common interests’ go hand in hand together.
The very men you profess to be your ‘type’ are actually incompatible with you because you cannot forge a relationship with them, and when you do, it’s on their terms, which ends up making you frustrated and miserable because you have to let go of your own core values, have little or no boundaries, and try to become someone you’re not in attempt to make the relationship successful, forgetting yourself along the way, and still ending up with a relationship that doesn’t work.
You assume because you share interests (or take on his interests) that these are reflective of the type of man these interests will yield, and that man is your ‘type’ but you’ll learn in part 5 that interests only mean something in the overall context of the relationship.
Your type, much like your ideas about compatibility that are incompatible with your happiness, is holding you back.
It’s not about finding a perfect man; it’s about finding someone who as a base, is wholeheartedly committed to you. When someone is committed to you and protecting your relationship, no matter what and who they have been before, they’re now putting both feet in to do what works for you both. Where adapting is needed they do it – not try to bully you (up front or passive aggressively) into having no boundaries so they can continue on with their poor behaviour.
It’s time to come down to earth and evaluate your type and if it’s incompatible with making you and your relationships successful, you have got to address why you are seeking these types.
You will discover that some of these men are like self protection.
You know what you’re going to get with this ‘type’ even though you also hope that he’ll buck the trend and prove you wrong and be different…even though if he was different, you might not be interested in him….
Is your type based on your mother or father?
Does your type detract from you and reduce your self-esteem?
Does your type remind you that you’re not ‘good enough’?
Does your type bring out that competitive streak in you that makes you want to fight to prove yourself worthy and ride that donkey till it collapses?
Is your type dangerous? If you’re seeking danger it’s not exactly compatible with a stable, committed relationship.
Is your type lacking in character? If so, ask yourself why you are so attracted to men that are lacking in integrity and allergic to the truth?
Is your type dark, moody, and uncommunicative? It’s not exactly compatible with someone who thrives on being communicated with and is looking for validation.
Is your type wild and irresponsible? Why do you think he’s going to be responsible with you?
What is your type and what does that type represent to you, because if you examine your type, you might just start to understand why your relationships are floundering and what you need to heal within you.
More to come in part 5
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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@Jetred Well the power tripping for one thing and also if he is active on the BDSM scene or knows anything about the BDSM scene then it’s a fact that there are statistically few black women who are submissive. It’s a status symbol in some people’s eyes, and the fact that he called you the N word makes *ME* feel very uncomfortable (and I have zero right to be, other than by way of wanting to treat other human beings with dignity unless they have proved they don’t deserve normal consideration).
However, as anyone who has dealt with the idealising/obsessional/devaluing/devolving/re-idealising/spiralling downward devalation cycle will tell you (and thanks for post aphrogirl because it IS bloody exhausting), it’s not quite so straightforward as “inferior”. Were that it was, we’d kick these morons to the kerb so much easier.
@ Meant not everyone who likes some kinky sex is automatically a sick weirdo
Ooh Serena your post just showed.
The ex has, I am sure, sociopathic tendancies.
aphrogirl- You are right it isnt that easy.I will stop wishing that and concetrate on my healing.Brad afirmation was realy nice and I will use it to remind me to keep on my path.After reading his post I realized that I suposed to make a choice and stick to it,that I cant be with a feet here and other there.I chosed to move and have healthy relationships so I will realy do it from now on and remove any ties with my ex like he sugested.No more hoping he will change or anything like this.
@Butterfly
“not everyone who likes some kinky sex is automatically a sick weirdo’
I fully understand this, but combined with the way he made me feel other times, and that he was well aware of BDSM lingo (I had to look it up when he mentioned it) made me feel very uncomfortable. I am very open sexually myself, but it was the overall tone of our relationship ( and the way he said “I’ve ruined your life” with a proud tone of voice), combined with his fantasies that gave me a sick feeling in my gut. Am I making sense here?
Sadly Meant, yes you are babes.
I’ve heard these words before and what I am interested in is what you said to him … he wanted to hear you ego stroke him and say he hadn’t, I suspect, not that it would actually change how he acted.
Maybe I should make a mail address to use here and then if you like you can contact me and I’ll give you a real one? I bet it gets more complex the more you look hon – and whilst I was making light with the kinky sex comment there are a LOT of very very very VERY fucked up people in that world.
@Aega – My situation is similar to yours. I am an EU wife now separated from her EU hubby. And instead of focusing on either ending or retooling my marriage, I chumped out and got involved with an EU A/C co-worker (talk about upgrading).
I always suspected that something was ‘off’ regarding my issues with commitment. And this site has truly given me the tools to heal my self-esteem and strengthen my character.
@Butterfly,
OK, I am getting concerned now. Do you know a bit about BDSM culture? Is there a way we can get each other`s emails? I’m not sure how that works on here. I have one under a male name that I used to communicate with my ex MM so his wife wouldn’t know about me, but I don’t want to post it on here, in case he ever found this site. I would FREAK if he read the things I have put on here!!
But I *am* very curious about what you know about people who are involved in this area.
Oh, and when he said `I`ve ruined your life` I think I just said something vague like `not really`. We had been drinking that night, and I don`t remember all the details`.
The thing that bothered me about the whole BDSM hints, is that he said he hadn`t slept with his wife for years, and yet he mentioned these `slave` ideas. So, I wondered who he might be acting this stuff out with, since it wasn`t with me!!! During one of these chats where he hinted about this, I came out and asked him if he was into S&M, and he said Ì`m not into anything`. He said he had read about these things. He just said something like `lots of things intrigue me`. And so that conversation ended. `So yes, Butterfly, now I am very curious about what other insight you may have in this area!!!
What is BDSM??
I don’t know, Brad. Have you ever considered that some emotionally unavailable people are those that feel so much that it seems beyond what a “normal†person feels and gives of oneself? That the withdrawal is a learned defense mechanism because you have spent your life looking for the same kind of intensity in someone else and never found it?
You are so right about so many things; cheating not only harms but once it’s tainted a relationship it’s there to stay; it robs you of self-esteem, and it takes away both from you and the person you have wronged whether or not that person is aware of what happened. You are right that I have to make a choice and believe me I have tried. I have been suspended in limbo for two years now and all I seem to do is watch another day pass me by while I do nothing.
I’m not reveling in the sex adventure, though. One legacy I have from my parents is a pretty healthy attitude about sex: it’s what you do when you feel so close to someone that in addition to sharing your mind you want to experience them on another level. It’s not an act of revenge or frivolity, it is certainly never a poker hand to be played – or not – and it’s never had the allure of the forbidden for me because I think that physical intimacy grows out of emotional intimacy and you can only have that with one person at a time.
I didn’t go looking for emotional intimacy outside of my marriage. I thought I had peeled off for my husband as many layers as I ever would for anyone. He is a wonderful man who always listened and made it better, and after 10 years of marriage still always got up before me to make sure that he started my car for me and checked that I had remembered breakfast, keys, a winter jacket, and a laundry list of things to be done that he didn’t trust me to get done if not prodded. He meant all this from the heart. But sometimes, when we fought, he would express his frustration with all the ways in which I fell short of his ideal person. We would talk about it afterwards, when the heat of the moment passed, and it always boiled down to one thing – he said over and over that he had thought once we were married he would be able to work me free of my “irregularitiesâ€. The fact that I love dogs because they are straight shooters, that I can get lost in my studio for hours or stay up all night writing or reading with no regard to what the lack of sleep will do to me the following day. That it’s important for me to be liked. That I can’t cook because no one ever did in my house and I had traded domesticity for a demanding job, and I consider food as something your body bugs you about after you’ve run 15 miles (and this is why someone up there invented power bars). These were all weaknesses to be fixed. And I would say in return, over and over again, that I married him because of everything that he was, and loved him for his shortcomings, not in spite of them. And this was my definition of love.
I don’t really know what my point is here. None of this justifies the betrayal, I know. But I know exactly why I fell in love with “the bozo†– he gets me. He takes me as I am and doesn’t try to fix me. He relates to all the fears and understands that a part of me will never be able to mature because it shut down a very long time ago. I suppose you could apply the narcissist label to me in the sense that I do see myself through the eyes of everyone else and if there is no reflection of me to be found then I don’t really exist. He gets it because he got “broken†a very long time ago, too, and has spent the last 3 decades putting a fashionable stucco façade on the cracks.
Yes I should have left my husband if this was the case in the first place. I almost did, several times. But although I don’t really have any family and the concept of community is something I struggle with because I never really fit into one, I have always tried to do the right thing, and not because it allows me to like the person in the mirror, but because I don’t ever want anyone to suffer. And my husband said that he needed me. I’m really not trying to make excuses. I’m just saying that falling in love with someone else when you are married is not by definition a thoughtless act of a person with no scruples that feels some kind of sense of entitlement to do what she wants. It’s just falling in love.
Planet Jane, thank you for telling me that you had gone through something similar. I have been reading everyone’s posts here and you are all women with so much integrity, insight into who you are, and emotional maturity. I sit here and cheer you on as you forge ahead with NC to regain control of your life, and think that maybe I can, too. It’s lonely out here two thousand miles away from home and I’ve been carrying this secret for a very long time now. It helps to talk. For the first time in months today I went for a serious run and some of my former energy is starting to seep back in. I want to feel something good again. I had gone from trophy wife to a miserable exile and can’t say either one does much for me.
Nene, I’m hoping for the same tools here. You hit it right on the nail when you mentioned that feeling of something being off about your commitment issues. If I could turn my issues into stock options I would single-handedly lift the entire market out of recession… It helps to know that other women have been here too and that there is an “after†to this mess, even if you’re not able to define it yet.
Can I join in the group hug? I promise not to get EU cooties on anyone…
@Meant, Butterfly, Aphrogirl, and Serena…and the rest of the darlings on this site
Thank you so much. Had a difficult day, but this information makes it not hurt so much today. I’m re-reading it all…don’t want to forget or miss any part of it. You all actually seem to hear me through the bits and pieces of my story that I can stand to share so far. I don’t know what I’d do without access to this site right now. You all are such lovely and brilliant ladies.
Thank you again.
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