So we (finally) come to the final part in this five part series, where in parts one, two, three and four, I’ve explained how focusing on compatibility, type, and ‘common’ interests is pretty dangerous when you have poor relationship habits that are being driven by some unhealthy ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, and failure to look at the big picture and put all of these things into context.
In constantly chasing a ‘feeling’, we put up with some pretty crap behaviour from men in the name of feeling good for what ultimately ends up being for moments or brief periods of time. You get a taste of what you think is the good stuff and then you keep trying to get him to cook up the same recipe with you again so you can taste it and extend the high.
But really, even though you’ve had some times of feeling good, or even great, invariably, you more often than not, feel pretty awful and you spend your time trying to make yourself be compatible with someone else’s bullsh*t. This is in the hope that you’ll get that feeling, be validated, and get the relationship you want.
In chasing the feeling, even when a relationship ends, we then try to recapture it with our ‘type’, hoping that ‘this time’ things will be different. Be we end up with same man, different, dodgy package.
We then wonder why things are not working out or how we can possibly be expected to start something with someone else when we had so many things in common.
We look for common interests so that we can validate our reasons for staying invested, for trying to make ourselves compatible with them, and to keep pursuing the same type.
Clinging to compatibility, type, and common interests is about justifying why we are continuing with these men and trapped in inaction.
Yep, this is all about The Justifying Zone. As explained in my ebook, this is:
“….the slippery slope we go to when we sleep with a guy too soon or before we have really assimilated whether he is ideal relationship material and then we hang in there as a justification for sleeping with him in the first place.”
We claim common interests with men so that we can validate our decision to stay emotionally/sexually invested with them and to keep pursuing the relationship that we know ultimately, we’re not going to get.
At the end of the day, it really doesn’t mean anything if you claim to have a love of music, healthy living, sports, travelling, reading intellectual books, watching foreign films, cooking Asian French fusion food, no smoking, going to church, dressing up in rubber, dancing till the break of dawn, or whatever you think you have in common with him.
If you and your man do not share basic fundamentals that yield two people with both of their feet in the relationship that share the common interest of loving, caring about, respecting, and trusting one another, no matter how many ‘interests’ you claim to have in ‘common’, you don’t have things in common where it counts.
I am telling you right now that the interests that you place so much value in as a reason for being interested in him and sticking around, are overvalued.
In the meantime, you’re undervaluing the things that do count – values that give you a man with integrity that respects your boundaries, and wants to be a decent guy in a decent relationship.
These common interests are superficial and they don’t add any substance to your relationship because when it’s not working because some of the fundamentals are missing, your relationship doesn’t hold up well to scrutiny.
The worst thing is that many women lose themselves in men so they actually don’t genuinely know what their common interests are because they’ve spent so much time morphing and bending to men.
In trying to make ourselves compatible with the ‘types’ that we pursue, we’ve adapted to suit in the hope that this one guy would finally accept us and validate us. There we are thinking we’re made because he makes us feel excited and he runs marathons, and he likes talking about politics, yet he’s resisting being with us.
Men who are genuinely interested in you and forging a relationship don’t burn up the bulk of their energy trying to resist you.
If he’s resisting you, it’s not because you have so much in common that it’s too hot for him to handle; it’s because whatever you do have in common, it’s not enough to keep him there.
It may appear that he’s playing hard to get but he may not be trying to be caught.
But there’s an even bigger, scarier thing about common interests:
What you think you both have in common, may not actually be the common interest between you both.
A lot of the whole compatibility, type, and common interests issue is ‘assumed’ and ‘projected.
We decide we have a lot in common with these guys and we overvalue it, but the fact that the relationship does not work out shows that they don’t value these commonalities. Often, many women discover that the common interests that they thought were so important to the relationship and made them so compatible with the guy in question, weren’t actually important to him.
Often these men value different things so your common ground that you think you both share is not actually his common ground, so you’re standing alone.
You’re also standing alone because in projecting your idea of him and what he could be, and your ideas about the commonalities you share, you neglect to examine the actual commonalities that you don’t share.
Yes, we’re back to illusions, stepping back into reality, and looking at the bigger picture and going beyond the ‘moments’ and the bits of him that you like.
You struggling with him to get him to be the man you want or to give you the relationship you want is about trying to get him on the same common ground as you which means you really can’t have that much in common.
He’s just not got that much in common with you, and even if he does, it’s not enough of what matters.
As I said on my post last year on common interests, it’s not up to you to decide what you both have in common because for a start, you shouldn’t have to force the issue and if what you had in common was good for the relationship, it wouldn’t be floundering.
What people who are in poor relationships have in common is fears, inaction, overvaluing the wrong things, undervaluing the important things, and beliefs about themselves, love, and relationships that impact negatively on our personal happiness and success in relationships.
You’d be amazed how when you address what’s been driving your relationship patterns and opt out of the misery and inaction, you discover that you don’t have very much in common any longer with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns.
I actually bumped into a reader a few days ago who had got in touch with me in her darkest moments with an assclown Mr Unavailable who she’d thought was her type, had tried to be compatible with, and thought they had a lot in common. Months later, she’s happy, has got back her figure after being skeletal, and dropped him and cut him out of her life. In hindsight she recognises that the man drove her mad and to despair and she had nothing in common at all with him. She’s moved on with someone else who is very different, who shares some interests, but more importantly treats her really well and has never given her reason to hate herself and her life.
At the end of the day, if loving a man means you can’t love you and you have to find ridiculous commonalities to give you a reason to stick around, it’s not worth it because you’ll lose yourself and most of us discover in time that we’re not compatible with pretending that this is as good as it gets. Oh we have a damn good go at trying but life rapidly becomes a tedious battle of pain, disillusionment, disappointment, and despair as we try to reconcile the illusion with the reality…and fail, not because we’re failures but because we spend too much time trying to put the proverbial square peg into a round hole.
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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I don’t know how I came across this site, but I’m extremely thankful I did. I read NML’s articles on compatibility and interests and the EUM..and as I read, I had the sinking feeling that I was in a relationship with one. Many signs. Many symptoms. The message from the posts were to get the courage to leave this EU and not wait for him to. Well, at that time, my guy hadn’t spoken to me in a week…didn’t return calls or texts, or make any attempt to contact me. I had a tennis match and he didn’t come to support me, I was injured and known over FB and no contact…All this after several weeks of bliss…he had just told me he loved me the day before all contact stopped, we were making plans to do a bit of fun things in a couple of weeks…then all of a sudden he disappeared. That time was horrendous for me…the pain, the hurt…not knowing what I had done to cause him to go to this extreme…I mean he had done this before not talking after being angry, but he came back after 3 days. Now it was a week… I refused to believe that it may be a sign it was over…After all he had done this before, 3 days…maybe he needed more time, or so I thought. Finally I saw him at work (yes I work with him too) and he acted like nothing happened. Two days later, meeting up at a local bar, that’s when he decided to break it off with me. He said he did not want to be tied down…this was always there from the start of our 8months together. Every so often he pulled himself back from the relationship and thought he can’t continue knowing he doesn’t think it’s gonna go anywhere. We broke off twice before, but each time he came back and stayed. I let him because I wanted to be with him still. But in the 8 months of being together, he was hot …very charming and loving and nothing felt as good as when he was attentive to me, but he was also cold and went away for long periods of time if he was really angry or if he didn’t want to talk about something we didn’t talk…he didn’t follow through on plans, he always said ‘I’ll make it up to you” and never did, he disrespected me by changing or cancelling plans last minute and walked away when I got emotional or when I wanted to talk and he didnt…This last week of silence was the most disrespectful, because when asked why he didn’t call, he simply said I didn’t care. What’s worse is that we ended things saying hurtful things out of anger. I walked out, without saying what I wanted to say. And now, not only do I feel awful we broke up, I feel moreso that I want just one more time to talk to him, so that we can end on a good note…I emailed him asking for one last time, but as expected, he didn’t respond. I have been at home on these lovely lovely days of summer, not doing anything except staying in bed with my laptop… I came on this and other sites as my sources of comfort in the hopes of pearls of wisdom. Yes, I waited…I didn’t break up with him, I waited until he did…though I wasn’t surprised at its coming. So many signs of EU that I didn’t know about til I came onto this site, but who am I kidding…I’m not sure I would have had the strength or self-respect then to just break off. I realize my abandonment issues are there…I stayed because when he did show me ‘love’ and caring, I’ve hung onto that as my reason for staying…I guess I just CRAVE the love and affection, that I would stay to take what I could get.. and I stayed because, after reading all the posts here, I didn’t have the self-respect to do anything about it..because in my small mind ‘love’ was better than not having it. I realize it all now…in my mind anyway…and I will be on this site for constant constant reminder of what I need to keep in my brain, and not fall back into my delusional thinking. Part of me wants to make excuses for him (he really is a nice guy, he had no parents as models, etc etc) but I stop…I need to start thinking that he wasn’t as ‘wonderful’ as I made him out to be, but more importantly I need to start thinking about building my self-respect…which I’ve often wondered…How do you do that? How do you learn to love yourself? How do you learn to build that self respect to a healthy level? When your whole life of 46 years, you never knew how to do? Again I think I will be scouring this sight for some much needed comfort and wisdome and a slap upside my head if I need it. So please go ahead and slap me upside the head…if that’s what it takes. NC??? Well I’m one day in…I’ve re-thought the idea about meeting him again and I will let that idea go. I plan to leave my company (due to another job opportunity) so I won’t have to see him) and I plan to avoid him at the sportsclub or gym where we went together, at least for now. I feel numb, and I do break down in tears…but my mind says this is what I need to do. I’m so thankful for this site, and I’m thankful for seeing the posts by all of the women who had/have the courage to get on the right track…it’s my inspiration and support that I’m not alone. Wishing everyone the true love that we all deserve…
Magenta´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net
@ Magenta,
Be sure you follow the links and read the full description of what NC is defined as – an active choice, a physical block to any means he might have to contact you, by blocking his phone, filtering out his email to trash before ever knowing he emailed you, blocking his texts. The point is to never know if he *tried* to contact you. If you see he left a voice message or text, if you notice an email, even if you don’t read or hear the message, then that is not NC.
NC is about taking a stand. NC says to your inner self, “I am done.” No matter what he wants, I don’t care. “I don’t care if he changes, I don’t care if he mends his flaws, I don’t care if he left X and is ready to settle down with me.” You recognize that men, dysfunctional men, don’t change. And you recognize that, for the rest of your life, you cannot risk his contact or attention, because it *will* harm you.
NC is about healing. You accepted someone into your life that wasn’t suitable for the long term relationship you need. That is a problem, a well adjusted woman in charge of her own destiny, exercising her knowledge of what she needs would not have allowed herself to be distracted by eye candy, a sob story, or a fixer-upper that would be oh, so grateful if her loving could fix his problems. Shoes don’t stretch, the song goes, and men don’t change. NML points out the insecurity, the danger, the silliness of falling in love with what he could be, instead of rationally dealing with what he is.
NC lets you identify why you accepted this kind of dysfunction partner-prospect, and why you stayed when you should have known that what you wanted wasn’t in the works. Because you need to change that inner vision, rediscover the inner voice that screams “This guy ain’t got it! Run!”, you need NC to keep the past, the bozo, from distracting you from the work and self discovery you need.
NC helps put time and insight between yourself and the silliness of the past. As long as you wait on his input you are really deluding yourself that he will come around, that the dysfunction of the past will be mended, that even though you picked a perpetual dater with no concept or interest in anything beyond a dating relationship, that he might become prince charming. By leaving him in the picture, by keeping up the idea of a relationship with him you bind yourself, body and soul, to your dreams of what he might be – and you bind yourself into the pain and disappointment and delusions of the past.
So NC is a conscious choice to build a new you, one without bonds to that bozo. NC recognizes that you cannot afford to have him in your life. NC is a promise to yourself, to pick a mate-prospect that is suitable first, and only then will you pursue the important question of whether you enjoy making him happy.
NC is an important step toward self esteem. NC is a refusal to compromise what you know is right and what you need for the sake of someone that isn’t going to be happy with you anyway, or at least beyond the moment.
We talk about red flags and warnings. And we talk about boundaries. When one does something that steps across what we consider acceptable, we might enforce a boundary with a warning, “I was disappointed you didn’t show up last night. Lying to me about plans, failing to let me know when something comes up is very disrespectful, and feels as if you take me for granted.” But letting such things repeat – is not a boundary. A boundary has teeth. “I am sorry, your lack of consideration shows lack of character, lack of honor. I cannot trust or respect you or your word. Thanks for your time. Goodbye, please do not contact me again.” A boundary might trigger either a warning or an ending. Knowing and acting on boundaries is a very good way to discover and develop self esteem.
“Didn’t your mother tell you that it is the dates a girl walks home from that shows her mettle, not the ones she rides home from?” (Mike Shepherd, in a SF novel).
Value your own values and needs first. This is very, very scary stuff.
Best of luck!
Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence
@Brad
Wow…thanks for giving it straight up, and taking the time to do this. I take to heart how important NC is, and trust me, will read your post NML’s posts and all the others, over and over again, for strength and courage when I need…and that will likely be every day.
@NML
This site is such a blessing…its raw honesty and bang-on insights, the like of which I’ve NEVER EVER seen before…I’m day 2 NC. And never in my life did I get it until now. I’ve had AHA moments before, but WOW…reading your posts and the experiences of others REALLY puts all the disjointed pieces…puts EVERYTHING together me. I’m only now just starting to “get it”…the pieces are fitting…and now, for the first time in my life, I understand what seems to be the huge missing piece of the puzzle…the answer to my achilles heel. Funny enough, it feels like the windows have opened and I am breathing fresh air again, and look forward to ….discovering my life. I’m only just starting to feel a sense of empowerment that I never had before..it’s been a lifesaver. I still have a long road ahead of me…but thanks to you and your posts, I’m starting to get it…finally, after a lifetime…finally.
Your site has helped me get over my very long term trend of being with men who are bad for me.
I have decided to educate myself on how to get past choosing the wrong guys, and for now decide to be alone. I have not been in a real relationship in two years yet have been stringing myself along (and being pulled in by) a bad unrequited love for years.
I am very sad lately because I do not believe there are great guys out there. I cannot trust a guy- how he will be wonderful and pull me in only to turn out to be a jerk. I cannot trust a guy. I can only trust I will not involve myself with one.
I’ve been busy with a lot in life anyway so I have a lot that makes it easier being single, but as far as I recall I wanted a wonderful man to call my own and me all his.
I just don’t believe anymore. I don’t believe there are great guys at all.
I will value myself, and do what I want to help the world a better place alone by myself.
My heart wishes there were great guys. If there are, I don’t live on the right planet.
I do not feel broken in spirit. I do feel my dream guy bubble is burst. I’m very tired. Thank you for letting me get this out so I can get some sleep.
SadLady,
I am pretty sure that by the early twenties, most of the good guys have either found a mate – or stopped looking very hard. And that is what you are facing. Nothing that pairs you up in the singles market is likely to include all those men of good character that aren’t interested in dating as social recreation.
My recommendation is to continue as you plan, to stop dating for a couple years. But I think you will find someone in your community, if you get active in your community. Get to know the good people and important issues in your community, and let a few (happily married) women know when you are again interested in making a home and family. Call it networking, call it being active in your community. Or just call it healthy living. Focus on character issues, and honor and honesty, in your life and those around you. Don’t assume that any guy knows or understands any social rules or expectations, especially about dating. At the same time, run away, quickly, from any guys with slick lines, that are too easy to get to know – that are demonstrably focused on sex and not a shared life.
The guy boxing groceries, the guy in the back of the hardware store or ushering at worship service – that you never see where singles hang out. There are lots of candidates for a woman looking for a good man. Just be prepared to win his trust before you can get his attention. Keep everything based on respect and honor, and the worst that is likely is to win a friend.
Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Thank you Brad, I appreciate greatly your insight.
I’m almost 33, and have lived so much I may as well be 80.
When, and if I ever, decide to date then being involved in local community service will be the way to go. I have no more fears of running from a guy who alerts my danger vibe now- I used to be a fixer and one who craved outside validation (“If I fix him, he will love me forever and then I will feel love for myself” kind of thing). No more. I have been loving myself okay for two months now. I have no wishes to have the past two guys be in my life due to their abuse, as well I will not let anyone remain in my world if they get out of line. This site has helped me realize that abusers can only change themselves (if one in a million chance they realize they are abusers). I don’t have time to waste on that project, nor energy.
I will kick away any prospect who turns out to have abusive signs, and I will practice daily healthy boundaries so I do not let myself get trapped again. I can get angry at me at times for staying with two of them for so long- but I was not the abuser just a sad confused girl with no boundaries and no idea of what love looks like. I do have a vague idea now, but trust that someone can meet that vague idea is low. I know I have been sucked into abuser-boy-land for the last decade so as I write this, haha, I think I need to go discover great-guy-land then maybe hope will return. For sure.
Where is great-guy-land? I need a map.
Thank you Brad, and thank you NML!!
xoxox
Thank you again, Brad.
Well these series are so great and insightful. I will share something that I am going through that scares me and some of my friends disagree with which makes me more scared and doubtful! I am 25 yrs old and I started seeing a man who’s 38 yrs old, has been in the servics for almost 20 yrs, he loves his family, has plans for his next career after he retires, respects me, treats me like a lady, encourages me, listens to me, he is kind and patient..the only “problem or problems” is that he is divorced and has a little boy. All my friends are telling me that I am better than that, including mom, that I should date a single man with no previous engagements, in the beggining I did not realy care about his history since he is now single and completely emotionally available but i cant lie, my friends are puting doubts on me. The other problem is that while he is not a bad looking man, he is definitely not what I would go for usually, he doesn’t have the athelic body that one dreams of or my friends tell me I could have..superficial?? yes it does sound that way..but when you have people constantly telling you you can do so much better it gets to you and you wonder. So I went from really liking him just for who he is a person to completely freaking out (maybe a lil bit of committment phobia happening here too, since I have dated EUM before)about settling too soon. You see I was in a really hurtful 3 yr relationship with a completely EUM last year and I just feel as though if i dont date more people and just settle that I may be misiing out on something..the whole package..ANY ADVICE OR COMMENTS???THANX
lil scare of love:
I dont want to seem harsh but i do think your friends and you to a certain degree are being very superficial about how you judge this man. Im 33 years old and I’ll tell you, if you have a good man that has all those nice qualities you say he has, go for it! And not for nothing but he has a son……not a disease. Alot of men may have “no baggage” (as your friends try to tell you) but then again– they aren’t responsible or mature enough to know what it takes to be in a serious relationship with someone not to mention how to really take care of a lady. It really comes down to what is more important to you. You dating this guy doesn’t mean you are accepting “less” or settling. In fact, I would say thats a bit insulting– not only to all divorced men who are now single dads but women too as if this makes them “damaged goods”. But if that is really how you feel and see the situation than to be honest……. this man is better off without you. If what you say about him is true— there are plenty of women out there who would be willing to date him and have no problems with it.
I question however, if you are being fair and giving 100% of yourself to this man if you are having these doubts? I question whether or not you are mature enough (at 25) to really understand what is important in finding a partner and not being so easily “swayed” by your friends?
Like I said, this is really up to you but it does sound like your friends and your mom etc…. are being a bit superficial. Most women come on this site because they have been with a man who hasnt treated them well…. i would hate for you to later regret having let go of someone who was treating you well over these really lame reasons.
Sorry– like i said, dont mean to be harsh but once again– you are treating this man like he is “damaged goods” just because he has been divorced and has a child and not really taking a look at the “bigger picture” and giving someone a chance who might really be sincere and genuine.
Good luck with your decision!
2much2handle:
I trully appreciate your time, advice and thoughts. Your way of looking at my situation is refreshing and it opens my eyes to things I have not thought of. It does bother me that my inmaturity allowed me to have outsiders potentially ruined what could be a great relationship.
Unfortunately, before i read your response I had told him that I was perhaps not ready for committment and may need time for me and to meet people before I can commit. He’s response was interesting he only said “ok sounds good”, i think is because I had told him about my fears before and he is not at a point where he desires to wait around. All I can do is wait to see what happens, I do believe what’s meant to b will b. Some of your words were a little harsh but needed:) Thank u again!
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