So we (finally) come to the final part in this five part series, where in parts one, two, three and four, I’ve explained how focusing on compatibility, type, and ‘common’ interests is pretty dangerous when you have poor relationship habits that are being driven by some unhealthy ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, and failure to look at the big picture and put all of these things into context.
In constantly chasing a ‘feeling’, we put up with some pretty crap behaviour from men in the name of feeling good for what ultimately ends up being for moments or brief periods of time. You get a taste of what you think is the good stuff and then you keep trying to get him to cook up the same recipe with you again so you can taste it and extend the high.
But really, even though you’ve had some times of feeling good, or even great, invariably, you more often than not, feel pretty awful and you spend your time trying to make yourself be compatible with someone else’s bullsh*t. This is in the hope that you’ll get that feeling, be validated, and get the relationship you want.
In chasing the feeling, even when a relationship ends, we then try to recapture it with our ‘type’, hoping that ‘this time’ things will be different. Be we end up with same man, different, dodgy package.
We then wonder why things are not working out or how we can possibly be expected to start something with someone else when we had so many things in common.
We look for common interests so that we can validate our reasons for staying invested, for trying to make ourselves compatible with them, and to keep pursuing the same type.
Clinging to compatibility, type, and common interests is about justifying why we are continuing with these men and trapped in inaction.
Yep, this is all about The Justifying Zone. As explained in my ebook, this is:
“….the slippery slope we go to when we sleep with a guy too soon or before we have really assimilated whether he is ideal relationship material and then we hang in there as a justification for sleeping with him in the first place.”
We claim common interests with men so that we can validate our decision to stay emotionally/sexually invested with them and to keep pursuing the relationship that we know ultimately, we’re not going to get.
At the end of the day, it really doesn’t mean anything if you claim to have a love of music, healthy living, sports, travelling, reading intellectual books, watching foreign films, cooking Asian French fusion food, no smoking, going to church, dressing up in rubber, dancing till the break of dawn, or whatever you think you have in common with him.
If you and your man do not share basic fundamentals that yield two people with both of their feet in the relationship that share the common interest of loving, caring about, respecting, and trusting one another, no matter how many ‘interests’ you claim to have in ‘common’, you don’t have things in common where it counts.
I am telling you right now that the interests that you place so much value in as a reason for being interested in him and sticking around, are overvalued.
In the meantime, you’re undervaluing the things that do count – values that give you a man with integrity that respects your boundaries, and wants to be a decent guy in a decent relationship.
These common interests are superficial and they don’t add any substance to your relationship because when it’s not working because some of the fundamentals are missing, your relationship doesn’t hold up well to scrutiny.
The worst thing is that many women lose themselves in men so they actually don’t genuinely know what their common interests are because they’ve spent so much time morphing and bending to men.
In trying to make ourselves compatible with the ‘types’ that we pursue, we’ve adapted to suit in the hope that this one guy would finally accept us and validate us. There we are thinking we’re made because he makes us feel excited and he runs marathons, and he likes talking about politics, yet he’s resisting being with us.
Men who are genuinely interested in you and forging a relationship don’t burn up the bulk of their energy trying to resist you.
If he’s resisting you, it’s not because you have so much in common that it’s too hot for him to handle; it’s because whatever you do have in common, it’s not enough to keep him there.
It may appear that he’s playing hard to get but he may not be trying to be caught.
But there’s an even bigger, scarier thing about common interests:
What you think you both have in common, may not actually be the common interest between you both.
A lot of the whole compatibility, type, and common interests issue is ‘assumed’ and ‘projected.
We decide we have a lot in common with these guys and we overvalue it, but the fact that the relationship does not work out shows that they don’t value these commonalities. Often, many women discover that the common interests that they thought were so important to the relationship and made them so compatible with the guy in question, weren’t actually important to him.
Often these men value different things so your common ground that you think you both share is not actually his common ground, so you’re standing alone.
You’re also standing alone because in projecting your idea of him and what he could be, and your ideas about the commonalities you share, you neglect to examine the actual commonalities that you don’t share.
Yes, we’re back to illusions, stepping back into reality, and looking at the bigger picture and going beyond the ‘moments’ and the bits of him that you like.
You struggling with him to get him to be the man you want or to give you the relationship you want is about trying to get him on the same common ground as you which means you really can’t have that much in common.
He’s just not got that much in common with you, and even if he does, it’s not enough of what matters.
As I said on my post last year on common interests, it’s not up to you to decide what you both have in common because for a start, you shouldn’t have to force the issue and if what you had in common was good for the relationship, it wouldn’t be floundering.
What people who are in poor relationships have in common is fears, inaction, overvaluing the wrong things, undervaluing the important things, and beliefs about themselves, love, and relationships that impact negatively on our personal happiness and success in relationships.
You’d be amazed how when you address what’s been driving your relationship patterns and opt out of the misery and inaction, you discover that you don’t have very much in common any longer with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns.
I actually bumped into a reader a few days ago who had got in touch with me in her darkest moments with an assclown Mr Unavailable who she’d thought was her type, had tried to be compatible with, and thought they had a lot in common. Months later, she’s happy, has got back her figure after being skeletal, and dropped him and cut him out of her life. In hindsight she recognises that the man drove her mad and to despair and she had nothing in common at all with him. She’s moved on with someone else who is very different, who shares some interests, but more importantly treats her really well and has never given her reason to hate herself and her life.
At the end of the day, if loving a man means you can’t love you and you have to find ridiculous commonalities to give you a reason to stick around, it’s not worth it because you’ll lose yourself and most of us discover in time that we’re not compatible with pretending that this is as good as it gets. Oh we have a damn good go at trying but life rapidly becomes a tedious battle of pain, disillusionment, disappointment, and despair as we try to reconcile the illusion with the reality…and fail, not because we’re failures but because we spend too much time trying to put the proverbial square peg into a round hole.
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
{ 109 comments }
*applause* Beautiful. Just beautiful.
“….the slippery slope we go to when we sleep with a guy too soon or before we have really assimilated whether he is ideal relationship material and then we hang in there as a justification for sleeping with him in the first place.”
It hurts to read this paragraph because i can relate. But I absolutely love the last 2 paragraphs, it gives me hope that things in time will get better =)
“Men who are genuinely interested in you and forging a relationship don’t burn up the bulk of their energy trying to resist you.”
How I can relate to that.I always felt that my ex just wanted to run away from me all the time and I was there trying to make him stay.How tiring it is to keep doing that over and over again.Relationships for me was a huge amount of hard work and I felt I had praticaly to force people for the smallest things like just be there or reciprocate.I dont want to do that anymore,I just want it to just happens naturaly and without all huge amount of effort like I think relationships suposed to be.
NML, a tremendous finale to the series. Thanks for setting it out clearly and in no uncertain terms where we go wrong and where we can set the boundaries. Thank you for being a stand for great relationships in the world! x
There’s something interesting about the whole “compatibility” or “type” scenerio from the last 5 parts. One quote from above that bothers me is as follows….. “”She’s moved on with someone else who is very different, who shares some interests, but more importantly treats her really well and has never given her reason to hate herself and her life”"
It’s interesting because now I feel like the AC in reverse. I met a man that had my interest in the beginning but then he started texting all the time, wanting to call all the time, always concerned about something he may have said wrong…worried about how I feel, have I told my family about him, etc. In my quest for losing the AC, it appears I’ve become one….
I like him but he’s just so needy to me…I don’t feel any attraction (and trust me, I don’t expect rockets to explode or the 4th of July). I was attracted to him at first and had an open mind about getting close. I was upfront about not wanting a man that moves to quickly and I just wanted to spend time together….getting to know each other…slowly. But he was just so overly attentive and all too willing to morph into whatever I wanted. I have to say, I could really stand to get to know the real person but he’s become overly conscious of every move, word or action. Now I feel I can’t spend anymore time with him because he wants too much too soon and I’m suddenly feeling responsible for his happiness (or unhappiness).
Yikes ladies….what did I do wrong???? Is there something severly wrong with me? Isn’t this what I wanted from the AC??
I want an equal. Not someone who is puddy in my hands. I can’t seem to find an even balance to relationships now (unlike the woman mentioned in this article). I don’t mind losing the a**clown but I sure as hell don’t want to become one.
@metsgirl – “Yikes ladies….what did I do wrong???? Is there something severly wrong with me? Isn’t this what I wanted from the AC??”
Woah Hun, look how quickly you go to, “What did I do wrong?” And, “Is there something wrong with me?” This is just ONE guy. He’s a little too forward with you – maybe it’s your eum/ac radar going off – you know how they can be in the beginning. Or maybe he IS too needy for you. Either way, you know you’re not liking it. If you have to end it, be kind and tell him the truth…as you would like it told to you. And keep on keepin on…lookin for Mr. Right-For-You.
If you want to give it more time – maybe he’ll relax a little – let him know that too.
Luv.
@Metsgirl – no perhaps there is another way to look at this – he’s co-dependent. Do YOU want to come across that way? That’s what I took from what you said about him to … do I come across that way? I don’t think I do, I am also too uppity (read EUW probably). Hmmm.
Thank you NML, great post!
I know that I dont have any common interests with my EUM, he is more like lover (I know him for 1 year and a half) not like a boyfriend.
I met him last Saturday, we had our fun, and he wanted to stay longer, and strangely enough, I started to feel uncomfortable…I wanted him to go and and be alone…. He even asked me, if I want him to stay…I said: “Its up to you”…HE was shocked…I am so used to his strange behaviour, so when he acts normally, I am getting confused and uncomfortable…HE was explaining to me, why he cannot commit properly, as he does not trust women, his ex tried to kill him…I believe him somehow…I love him so much, but I dont have a future with him, and I have to accept that!!!
@metsgirl-there IS a balance in relationship, but it’s hard to achieve when your own equilibrium is so off. No one wants to be smothered…it’s suffocating and reveals the neediness on his part. Don’t we all just want to be in relationship with someone who’s strong and knows himself, but makes room in his heart for a cherished companion? I don’t think that’s asking too much…I see it in healthy relationships all the time. His neediness will suck the life out of you and leave you feeling, as you say, responsible for his happiness, which you are NOT. If we take time (as a gift to ourselves) to figure out who we are, what we want and where we’re going, we can recognize and choose our relationships from a position of strength, not weakness. At least you know this doesn’t work for you!! Trust your gut, Girl!!!!
“I want an equal. Not someone who is puddy in my hands. I can’t seem to find an even balance to relationships now (unlike the woman mentioned in this article). I don’t mind losing the a**clown but I sure as hell don’t want to become one.”
metgirl, you won’t be an AC just because you are not attracted to him, but you will be one if he is” getting serious” or is crazy about you, yadda yadda, at the same time you are certain you do not want to go furthur with him in a romantic relationship.
You will also be an AC if you decide this but chickenshittedly ( hey, just made that word up,
)) anyway if you are certain you do not want to continue and you neglect to be considerate of his feelings, and neglect to kindly share the important info that you are not interested. You would be an AC if you were going hot and cold on him, but you do not say you are doing that. How well you can explain you are not interested in continuing, and how kindly you do it, is one of the big differences between AC’s and Emo available people.
Frankly though, I hear nothing AC about what you are saying, just that you are having a dawning realization that the guy is not secure enough for your taste and maybe you don’t feel a strong enough connection to even work with him to talk about that with him. No problem, thats what dating is all about. But be clear about how you feel, be considerate of his feelings as you tell him and you will not be an AC. AC’s do not communicate well and are more than a bit feeble in their emotional capabilities.
“I met a man that had my interest in the beginning but then he started texting all the time, wanting to call all the time, always concerned about something he may have said wrong…worried about how I feel, have I told my family about him, etc. In my quest for losing the AC, it appears I’ve become one….
I like him but he’s just so needy to me…I don’t feel any attraction”
That is where I get confused.We always say the problem is the EUM not us but that just shows that if we meet somebody that has the same behaviour that we used to show to our EUM we wont be atracted.So isnt a litle about us too? Not that it is all our fault,I do agree the way the EUM treat us isnt aceptable at all.But my point is that I think that sometimes we do behave in a non atractive way too dont you think?
metsgirl- I read somewhere that women like us that are atracted to EUM have some behaviours(being a people pleaser,not showing who we realy are,being desesperate for a relationship) that emotionaly avaliable guys can detect and that turn them off,and that draws in the emotionaly unavaliable.So the fact that you arent interested in this guy just shows you ARENT EU in my opinion,cause if you were you would be overwhelmed by all his atention and wanting to morph in what you want .The fact you arent atracted to “unhealthy behaviours”(like the ones that guy is displaying) just shows that you are becaming healthy.
Thanks you guys…you really helped to put some things into perspective. I think I’m feeling a lot of guilt because family and friends seem to think I’m just not used to someone treating me nice and being attentive, etc (not their words verbatim but close). And I’m being told that he might appear clingy because he’s nervous.
Regardless, I feel like I can’t trust my own gut because others don’t seem to think his actions are a big deal and yet to me they are a big deal. That’s why when I read about the girl in this article, it seemed she transitioned quite nicely into a decent relationship. And here I am complaining about a nice man all because I’m just not feeling the “thing”…you know. It just made me wonder if I’m completely missing something here or maybe there’s something missing in me. I put so much clout on attraction with my exAC that I wonder if a good relationship is completely void of those strong feelings. I feel so lost and it makes no sense at all.
(“chickensh*ttedly” that’s pretty funny…i’ll have to remember that.) Thank you all for responding…I really needed to hear your cyber voices =) Big hugs!
I just wanted to TELL somebody. I can’t seem to talk about it with anyone IRL. They’re all either tired of it, think he’s an AC, or they know him. I miss my xeum/ac. I just do right now. It’s the last thing I’d want him to know – even though I want to tell him – I WISH I could be emotional with him. It’s probably not HIM I actually miss but my idea of him. But he’s been part of my life for two years – albeit a funky one. Ha ha. I wanted to be his girl. And I wanted to have his babies. But he didn’t want me. And he doesn’t miss me because he’s got someone else. I just feel so lonely right now. I guess it’s because I’ve been in relationships pretty solid for about 12 years. And this is the first time in a long time I’ve been alone. It’s just part of the grieving I guess. Maybe this is the grief/acceptance part. I guess I need to do it. But I’m sad. I’m so so sad.
Just needed to share/vent. Thank…somethin…for this site!
I love this post. It’s great!
“But really, even though you’ve had some times of feeling good, or even great, invariably, you more often than not, feel pretty awful and you spend your time trying to make yourself be compatible with someone else’s bullsh*t. This is in the hope that you’ll get that feeling, be validated, and get the relationship you want.” NML
I just ended a two and half year relationship with a Mr. Unavailable ass clown who (after I slept with him) made me feel terribly guilty about my professional, academic, athletic and social accomplishments. I did not have a problem with the the fact that he had not “acomplished” as much as I did, I had a problem with his attitude about my desire to succeed and his lack of desire to try new things, take advantage of opportunities and sit around complain about global conspiracy’s As a result, I felt as if I had to lower my standards to feel compatible with him and be sure he did not feel uncomfortable if I wanted to go to listen to classical music rather than classic rock, both which I enjoy greatly. I could not even mention Mozart in fear he would feel inadequate. I always participated in the activities he enjoyed. Where was his effort in understanding my passions?
Since the end of our relationship I have have been listening to all the classical music I want, & I have been going to museums to revisit my favorite paintings, sculptures installations and have discovered new ones!
Sitting here, listening to one of Bach’s String Quartet, I can’t believe I let my Mr. Unavailable ass clown influence me to hide away a part of me that makes me feel so alive. Never again. I can’t believe I neglected my passion just to get a few miserable crumbs from him, thinking it would make him feel better if I neglected my self from the things that made me happy. Amid the No Contact blues, when I get down and miss him or the urge to call him, i just play some of my favorite music and open a book about a favorite artist or painter. I remind myself, that my passions are valuable enough to share with a person who will not only appreciate them, but more importantly, allow me to enjoy them without feeling guilty or without feeling incompatible. All of this for a little validation? Not worth it!
“He’s just not got that much in common with you, and even if he does, it’s not enough of what matters.” NML
“You’re also standing alone because in projecting your idea of him and what he could be”
I think a lot needs to be said about projecting, too.
It’s so easy to assume (project) that because he does/is ___ then he must be ___.
He’s a musician, he must be sensitive
He likes to read, he must be intelligent.
He’s a teacher, he must be caring.
He rides a Harley, he must be a free spirit.
He says he’s religious, he must be a good person.
etc.
It’s funny that I thought the AC and I were so on the same page, sharing a hobby, sharing a creative passion, sharing a number of things. But scrape away the superficial and we’re polar opposites: I’m an open, loving person, he’s closed and admits to never loving anyone in his life.
@ Anusha “We always say the problem is the EUM not us”
No we don’t or rather the ones saying that WE are the problem are not heard, discounted or whatever – and that includes NML who says repeatedly that we have to change ourselves. I’m really happy for you Anusha seeing you taking this point on board cos I look back and see how often this fact was in my face forcefully and I didn’t see it (and still don’t at times).
@ TJ I like this! And my take (on the bits that make my light bulbs go) now read like this:
He’s a musician, he probably expects no strings sex and adoration from a harem and might well have addiction issues
He likes to read, he could be trying to impress me or just use books to hide behind when he wants leaving alone
He’s a teacher, he probably likes telling people what to do, likes adulation for his amazing mind and is impossibly stubborn and set in his ways
These are attributes I have exaggerated but they all apply to ME in some way or another not “him” (and I am not pinning “him” on any one of the people in my past).
Hugs to PJ … I am sad this morning too, because I realise that any contact with the ex but one is going to hurt and NC is impractical at the moment. The funny thing is I don’t miss them … either of them … I am just all out sad, and it is grief – the loss of 10 years of a life where I could have been anywhere and done anything instead of being there with someone who took away all my vitality (this guy even said once, as part of his devaluing “what happened to the girl who’d take on the world and win?” and my reply was “You did.” Shrugs).
I had a dream last night, in it was a huge deadly spider which would kill me and anyone close to me … the size of a cat it was and I knew I had to kill it first even though the idea made me want to cry. I got a broom and crushed it in it’s most vulnerable place and as I did it morphed into a cat (which I love) but in my dream I knew I had to keep on so I strangled a cat. I woke up feeling like something had broken inside me. It’s probably just part of the cycle because these men technically are both dead, the men I loved didn’t ever really exist.
This post is good but it’s the one without lightbulbs for me, where previously I was feeling confident. What the hell does that say about me?
I’ve not been to the gym for a week. I am going to go today.
Thanks NML for such a great post… since discovering this website recently it’s given me a lot of food for thought in relation to my relationship… I hate to admit it but this really resonated with me.
In the beginning I put his AC behaviour down to clinical depression, but after a while it became more and more clear that it wasn’t. Didn’t call when he said he would, in fact he hardly calls at all, seldom asks how I am and when I get upset at his behaviour he gets angry at me in return. Hardly pays attention to me anymore. I feel like I’m chasing him all the time and he’s just sticking around for convenience.
And it used to be so different… there was a time when he was crazy about me and it did show… he called, he said nice things, he paid attention.
I have a long history with this person… I had NC with him for a few years and then one day I just broke… and got myself into this mess.
Reading the posts here have given me alot of perspective… just hope that I can eventually find the strength to let it go once and for all… easy enough to read and say “this makes perfect sense” but when it comes to crunch time it’s still so difficult… sigh.
‘If you and your man do not share basic fundamentals that yield two people with both of their feet in the relationship that share the common interest of loving, caring about, respecting, and trusting one another, no matter how many ‘interests’ you claim to have in ‘common’, you don’t have things in common where it counts.’
Great post!!! I have copied this onto a post-it note so I read it many times a day. I know now I got caught up in ‘common interests’ and what things COULD be like – if the UEM ever stopped working insane hours and put some effort into the relationship…I had both feet in, he had his little toe…day 15 of NC and it is getting easier.
Thanks NML for yet another great post that has helped me see the light!
I have a question. Do you ladies find that your menstrual cycle makes things harder at times? I am now convinced, looking at the calendar, that this is a factor.
@ butterfly – no not at all.
@Butterfly — Yes! on the menstrual cycle. A few days before the monthly visit all the cravings intensify hugely — chocolate, pasta, assclowns …
I just wondered cos the last few days have been intense and … guess what … and it was the same last month … and it was the same when I broke NC and went back for more …
@PJ and Butterfly
Oh dear, we are all missing our exes today! Butterfly, you have quite a symbolic dream!!! I also dreamed about my ex last night, but in the dream, I saw he had written a Facebook status asking some person called “Marina” if she wanted a massage on the way to their “IQ tests” today. It’s a weird dream, as he’s no longer on my Facebook, but I woke up feeling sad about him, and concerned that he had found someone new to be his OW. I will have to remind myself that I am *not* compatible with someone who said he loves me but is also married and possibly seeking other relationships on the side!!!
@Butterfly. I have left a message for you under part 4 about this whole BDSM thing. Oh, and to answer your recent question, my answer is the same as Skyscraper’s. plus I get a little irritable!!
I think it’s a shame that replies to the last post are not still possible. Aega … my heart aches reading your story because I see in it my own past with my ex but one. I ran myself absolutely ragged for him, and threw away who I was in the process. I now can say it was co-dependent, inverted narcissism …
Reading your words about how you feel because of this guy you met who treated you badly is making me think about my ex again (oh god when will this end, even yesterday he wasn’t “mine” and it’s back full force) wondering if he is in pain, wanting to soothe it … well, it’s a one way street and …
It’s no good, I have to go back to work now. Time to get a grip even if my heart is weeping as much as I am trying not to because I do actually know better.
@Butterfly – I hate to admit it but yes my cycle seems to intensify everything. I notice I become much more weepy and it’s easier to feel sorry for myself
@Butterfly
Since we can’t leave comments on part 4 any more, could you just answer my last post to you from part 4 on here?
thanks
Meant xo
@PlanetJane – You may not see being sad as a good thing but I think it says a lot about where you are (emotionally). Think about it. It wouldn’t take much to just jump from person to person to try and quench that sadness but you’re not….you’re admitting and dealing with it. It takes a strong person to do that. Our need to have an AC validate our feelings is what helped to make us FBG in the first place. But you’re not doing that….instead you’re being human and admitting that you’re struggling to women that can identify. I think that says tremendous things about you.
I’m sorry your sad…stay strong and big Hugs to you!
@Meant yes I will when I am home from work
I have to say, work really helps me a lot, I have got to put my best face on and be shiny, cheery and positive. There is an awful lot to be said for “acting as if and it will become”, and already I am feeling better.
You’re absolutely right metsgirl I am indeed feeling sorry for myself and I am giving myself a nice big kick up the backside (I do this every month when I think “aha here we go again” and it makes me feel much better!!)
Yes Butterfly…(my) emotions definitely correlate with the monthly cycle! At mid-point, ovulation, I am strong, confident, nothing bothers me, I can shrug off any setback. About two weeks later, I’m a puddle
I’ve heard that acupuncture can help with this…and certain birth control pills, though myself, I’m reluctant to mess with chemistry.
Maybe we can look at it as a cleansing process though, however difficult – shedding the old, unnecessary blood…shedding the old hurts and built up feelings. It does feel good sometimes huh?
Thanks for the well wishes and hugs and luvs. I must say that what I what I felt last night was just very pure to me. At a very basic level, I wanted him – I cared for him – he didn’t want me – and I’m hurt. That’s pretty much it. And it did feel good to let it out. I’m hoping I can move on from hurting and obsessing over him soon…but we all know how that goes…or comes and goes actually
Hope everyone is doing well today!
@PlanetJane and Butterfly
Yesyesyes it makes a difference! For me the two days or so right before my cycle and the day after really warrant some kind of confinement from society… I have to make a conscious effort not to talk to anyone about anything that might make me remotely sad because I know that I will react completely out of proportion. Last month I actually shut the door to my office and professed being on conference calls for the whole day because I was so irritable and just directionlessly angry. I was afraid that the next poor chump that walked through that door would do so at the wrong moment and get the brunt of it all. I’m still “the new boss” and I don’t think that would go a long way to endear myselft to everyone…
I’m missing my bozo, too. (Brad, if you’re reading this, I have you to blame for the nickname because now I can’[t think of him any other way lol…) I am still a long way from accepting that something that felt so right is really over. I am not able yet to think of any of it without this gaping hole opening up inside. Work is a blessing because it sucks up all of my mental processes and gives me a break from hurting. I have got myself back into the routine of hitting the treadmill as soon as I get home because although your mind frees up, endorphins take really good care of you. But there are still the evenings and the weekends and hard as I’ve tried I can’t delete the emails or the pictures yet.
Butterfly, I don’t know that he treated me badly; the worst of all of this is that I can’t get angry because if it hadn’t been for me we never would have crossed over from the friendship into the affair. Anger helps because then pride kicks in and oftentimes stops you from doing stupid things. But I’m only angry at myself.
9 days of NC.
@ Butterfly – I am very new to the participating aspects of this forum but not to the website it self, so please forgive me if I am am not totally in tune with the protocol.
I have to agree, menstrual cycles have a huge impact on my relationships. I find patters of extra sensitivity, insecurity, and break-ups that lead to NC with my last Mr. Unavailable. Which leads me back to the topic of this post.
If I have fears in common with a man then they are going to boil into unhealthy and dangerous relationships. This usually leads to monthly fights a few days before my cycle. But if I had the good stuff in common, the stuff that really mattered, maybe it would not be an issue, or at least he and I would be able to discuss it, get though it and he and I would be able to be a real partners for each other and we would get through it without without a fight.
Not sure if I am being clear.
thanks,
Rose
As a bell, Rose. As a bell. Moreover, people I know in healthy relationships have guys who might not understand but have learned how to anticipate what is coming, dodge any thrown shoes and buy chocolate
Butterfly “I have a question. Do you ladies find that your menstrual cycle makes things harder at times? I am now convinced, looking at the calendar, that this is a factor.”
Actually, yes– this is biochemical. At the time of your cycle, endorphins, the “feel good” chemicals, are very low. There are positive ways to lift the endorphins, such as exercise, music/dance, massage, or anything fun and joyful… and also negative ways. Negative endorphin boosters include participating in drama, picking fights, over-eating sugary foods, reliving painful memories, any type of physical or emotional pain, etc. That’s why the AC/EUM may seem more appealing during that time of the month- emotional pain boosts endorphins. (This also explains why people feel “addicted” to the AC, They’re really addicted to the endorphin high that pain causes.)
If you realize it’s biochemical you can find other ways to feel better.
TJ I didn’t know this personally “Negative endorphin boosters include participating in drama, picking fights, over-eating sugary foods, reliving painful memories, any type of physical or emotional pain, etc. ”
BING!! Usually what I end up doing is throwing myself into work, which I enjoy a great deal (because you can’t be a misery in my line of work, you have to act in a positive way and that really helps). I hate how I get grumpy but never thought of it as an endorphin thing. Hmmmm …
It does explain the addiction, always thought it was brain chemistry based and it makes sense why going to the gym stops me feeling down even more than I understood it already. Thank you!
Hi girls,Im working on my healing and the first thing I need to do is get a healthier relationship with myself.I know NML talked about it a lot here but Im still figuring out how to do that.I think that means doing things like speak my mind,say no,let people know when Im bothered,dont say negative things to myself and so on right? I would like to hear other ways you might know of doing that.
OMG… I broke NC after 3 weeks…and i feel so, so awful. It turned into an argument as it always does…he called me a psycho. I feel like one, and yet I know he is the reason for my craziness in the 1st place.
Why, why, why did I break it….i have made huge steps backwards.
@ Lorra, Don’t feel bad. Read the following segment by NML posted under the title the “The no Contact Rule”
“The No Contact Rule exists to hasten the healing process. By dragging out the end of a relationship, it only delays you from happiness in the future. It is important to allow yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship but keep the no contact rule in place. It will be hard at first but the longer you go, the easier it gets. Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to start fresh. Remember, no contact means NO CONTACT. It’s the first and most important step to moving on. Now, go get started!”
“Remember, practice makes perfect. If you find that you slipped up on any of the above, don’t beat yourself up. It’s never too late to start fresh!”
It’s OK! Just start again!
Rose
I can relate about the menstrual cycle too. Its crazy but when i hit those days I am at my worst and I tend to miss my AC like never before. I just wonder if AC’s actually go through this at least A LITTLE?! Because they all seem to be made out of ICE or STONE. ugh!!!
I am work in progress still. I wish all of you better days ahead <3
@Rose, do you think having fears in common has to be a disaster? I think one of the reasons that I felt like I couldn’t stay in my marriage was that my husband really has no idea what it’s like to be afraid or insecure. When my fears surfaced, it was almost as though he “quarantined” me – literally packed my gym bag for me or stretch a new canvas for me so that I’d disappear into my studio for a day. Or two… We hardly ever fought. I grew up amidst so much screaming and ill will that I can’t stand for anyone to raise his or her voice. If I were feeling PMS’y and conflictive, I would just stay quiet rather than provoke an angry exchange.
@TJ – I have a question for you: since both dwelling on bad memories or physical activity release endorphins into your blood (so does any kind of repetitive movement, right?), why would a person tend toward one versus the other? I’m a die-hard runner. Definitely addicted, because neither weather nor minor injury deters me from heading up to the mountains. Why hasn’t it replaced that compulsion to go into the dark places within myself and relive painful things? I’ve read that runners are basically people with compulsive tendencies, who have chosen a healthier addiction than some of the others. So what gives?
I have other question.When my ex contacted me after the break up and before I go NC,he called me the same nickname he used to call me when we were together and did some sexual jokes(what I found pretty inaproprieted since we were broke up) and I didnt know how to act by then.How I could have handled it? I mean what I should have said or did to him for him to know that wasnt aceptable?
@ Anusha
They do this to see if you are still “available” for sex after the brake up with you. My AC did this by saying things like: “Can I come see you tonight”? but I could see a big smirk over the phone on his face.
As much as it hurt me I responded by declining the offer saying:” I don’t know if it’s a good idea to keep seeing each other” This happened right in the process of braking up. I guess they want to know how much they can get from you after a brake up. like friends with benefits kind of thing.
I was w/my assclown for nearly 2 years. He recalled meetin me 5 yrs ago at my class reunion (he was married at the time); I didnt remember him. I ran into him at an event I did at his workplace where he “laid on the charm.” We talked for awhile over the phone; he worked evenings so we talked via cell. I agreed to meet up with him for a drink. Shortly into the conversation; I asked if he was married – his reply, “its only on paper.” Nice, egh? I stated it was nice meeting him and left; crying the way home that I hadnt asked sooner over the phone. Anyway, a few months later he separated from the wife n kids; we started dating. The red flags were there; I chose not to acknowlege. After 2 months dating it was my birthday on Dec 31 and his was Jan 1; we had plans to go to a party at my sisters. He never showed, never called…bla blah blah. 3 days later his coworker phoned me that something was wrong he never missed work. She located him at a guys house drunk out of his mind. He and I met the next day for coffee and I told him after listening to a lame excuse that if it happened again to lose my number. The remainder of our relationship he was wonderful although closed. He bought me gifts, an engagement ring 6 mths into the relationship, attended church w/me,etc. Last October he took me to Hawaii and we were engaged (he was still married but had the divorce kept getting delayed). During this time he was laid off of his job twice. I encouraged him to go to Tampa FL (we are in OH). He went to FL alright last November. In March he landed a job & I was to move there over July 4th. Once he landed the job this assclown got cocky and started disappearing on weekends. The communication slowed and he didnt share any of his life w/me. He was ignoring me by not answering the phone or texts. He would apologize, give excuses. He was home Memorial weekend; I of course made him a welcome home sign, spoiled him, etc. We had a good time. The following 2 weekends he disappeared with only 5 minute calls here and there. I was back here in OH packing and crying; what was happening? After ignoring me a couple weekends other than playing text games (Im w/Chris & Tracy; oh, you dont know if they are guys or girls he would say); I decided I was through with this game; I couldnt take the abuse any longer. After ignoring me a few days he texted and said “I messed up.” That was it – no other explanation. I ignored him. I got a few calls in the middle of the nite that I ignored. I had a gut feeling & phoned his new job; he was FIRED. 3 jobs in one year! We fought for a few days back n forth, mainly he would “text”. I broke engagement off. I have been devastated since June. I had a great job offer in FL, my 13 yr old dog had died, and I feel so alone. My daughter is in college. He has moved on supposedly with a new girl. The stangest part is the 180 degree behavior. The few times I did talk he was at bars; in Ohio he barely drank around me or my family. I wonder if he is alcoholic n was hiding it…there’s just no closure. He had his ex wife harrass me a few times; saying he has hard time breaking up w/women, she’s sorry he has another girl, etc. Oh, we were going to get a place together and 1 day he sprang on me that he was moving near his job even though my offer was 1 1/2 hr away…he wasnt driving more than 1/2 hr to work (bet since he was fired KARMA may come around!). Anyway, I’ve tried NC but I slip every now and then. I say I want to know what happened but maybe I dont.
He also tried to “project” what he was doing back on me. I went out 2 times since last November without him; the first time when he ignored me when my car was broke down and was calling him as my cell was dying, and the other time I was w/my daughter. I also know he was in my voicemail and emails somehow. He also must have been going through my things when he stayed here cause he mentioned a few items that were in my closet. I had nothing to hide; I thought he was my life partner…my niece and 2 friends said he always thought he was sneaky and could lead a double life!
Teresa, that guy is one messed up AC. I hope you get the courage to just let it go and never look back. He needs some help.
And, if you keep going back, you’re just asking for more of the same.
I’m only speaking from experience. If he is that unreliable and he is making excuses and telling lies on a regular basis while living a different life while you’re not around, do you really want to find out what happened?
Honestly, I’m not trying to sound harsh…. I, too, had a guy jack me around for over 2 years, and at some point I finally said “enough” and walked away for good. I’m so much more relaxed now and not wasting my brain energy on trying to figure out someone who can’t be figured out. (took me awhile, so I know it might not happen right away for you, either), but are you happy with that kind of relationship? And if not, are you expecting that he will change?
I hope you find some peace about all this. This site has been wonderful for educating myself and learning how to decipher what I really want from a relationship and how to set the boundaries in place in order to not get caught up with a guy like this ever again.
Keep reading, and at some point, if you haven’t read about the No Contact rule, I’d encourage to read that booklet. It is really helpful.
@Anusha. Obviously I can’t say too much because I’m work in progress…but…one thing that really sticks out for me is how badly I’ve neglected my own needs. In fact, at one point I couldn’t even identify them. That was a habit that started in early childhood.
It was simple stuff, like setting appointments with a client and then being forced to stay over because they didn’t make it in on time…now I appreciate my own time and cordially invite them to reschedule. Or I would skip taking breaks at work and sometimes work through lunch because someone else was relying on me to complete a project…now I force myself to take a break regardless of the crunch because my mental health is too important to squander on a company that could easily replace me. You get the idea…
You have to take the adoration you extended to the AC and keep it for yourself. You have to make yourself the most important person and your needs have to be a priority. (Obviously don’t go to the extreme). There is always room for concession but never neglect. Big hugs!
@ Butterfly, yes the time of the month makes a difference to me..
I have found the last couple of days hard to motivate myself to do anything and have to really push myself to just accomplish the basics. I have been angry at myself because I am on the same merry go round that I did manage to get off for a while, so yes certain times of the month I just want to contact him and get some form of validation from him I guess. So far I have managed to sit on my hands and not contact him plus I suppose I am partly curious as to just how long it will be for him to fulfil his word to me…
@ Lorra please don’t feel too bad there are many many posts here where the no contact rule has been broken including myself and the best thing to do is to learn from it.. my contact gradually grew into no contact when I kept recalling how low he could make me feel.. I used to also write out conversations or texts I wanted to send and deep down I would always know what his lame ass reply would be so it helped me in not contacting him.. A long time ago I also had a EUM who would like to call me pyscho best thing is to tell yourself the truth that you are not pyscho and that the smartest thing you can do is stay far away from him.. you deserve better and are worth so much more than that .. good luck just hop back up on the horse…
@Butterfly,
“yes I will when I am home from work” – are you home from work yet?
I am dying to know what you meant by “I bet it gets complex the more you look” from my post about my ex hinting about BDSM in part 4. If you have changed your mind about the email address, I understand, but, can you expand a little on what you meant by this??? I have to see my ex through work in 5 days from now, and I would like to know what I may have been dealing with here, if you are still willing to fill me in.
@Aega – You said “I am still a long way from accepting that something that felt so right is really over.” I completely know what you are saying here! I broke up with my ex-MM almost 5 weeks ago, and sometimes I wonder how it felt so right when everything about the relationship is obviously wrong!!!
Butterfly, that’s why I would like to know the info about people who are into BDSM, so I can become better educated – you had mentioned some seriously messed up people in this culture!
@all my girls from Part 4…LOLOL! (well I didn’t know how else to put it. Y’all know who you are)
“But really, even though you’ve had some times of feeling good, or even great, invariably, you more often than not, feel pretty awful and you spend your time trying to make yourself be compatible with someone else’s bullsh*t.”
This is so ME!!! I was trying with everything I had to mold myself more closely to what would please him. Most of the time I would reason that I really enjoyed the things he introduced me to. I enjoyed spending time with him as often as I could, but it got more forced after the name calling…or, as Serena so truthfully called it…the abuse. Had I seen a therapist before, I would have never looked in his direction. I would have felt better about myself and recognized the “types” of women he was connected to online and thought…”WTF!?!” I didn’t do that until the first “break-up” a year ago. I however, did begin to look at my life and wonder what I was missing. I wasn’t missing his crap though. I just didn’t see the Mack truck heading my way with him in my life, manipulating me…I even read up on Mind Control, because I wondered if I had been “infected” by it. Many of the things I found on the checklist…I could tie into the sorts of things he did with me. Not sexual, but things that I suppose, made the quality of sex less important to me. LOL…there’s that laugh again. But I’m being totally serious.
I looked into things to please him, as I said before. Music he liked I checked out, political viewpoints he had…I tried to empathize with based on what I knew about his background…his love of old movies…his PTSD and how he used these movies to help deal with it…he never watches violent flicks. Heck, he even shared his vast library of books with me. I’m thinking now, of course, he had titles I’d love because he had to be ready for any woman in his lair at the time. I have forgotten what I was going to say!!! LOLOL
Ohhhh…well, the site that I signed up to learn his desires on and that he and his new girl are soliciting NSA women partners on….(she seems to be obsessed by her bra size! Talks of it constantly. LOL) Sorry, I’m being silly. Well…I won’t be going there to look and hurt myself any longer…I deleted the account, so I can’t see anything. He’s on it right now and I swear…I actually looked at it and said….Geez, this man needs help! They are there together and he’s putting in more hours at his age…more power to him if he doesn’t give out. I just don’t care any longer…until next time. I love him, but I must move on. He is keeping me from being who I am, who I was meant to be. There is more to a relationship than a bedroom trist and sexual connections. He was more interested in all the other things to enhance the sex he could offer. But the man I thought I was loving would have been enough. He’s worried about being a man…and doesn’t understand that it does not entail denegrading his woman. He didn’t trust me to love the jerk he was in spite of himself…and I don’t trust him because he can’t trust himself.
No it doesn’t make sense…but I kinda feel that this is a milestone for me…I no longer want to track his every statement there. It was only ripping the scars open over and over.
Okay…I’m done. Check me out and if I’m blowing smoke…just scream it at me. I may be missing something else to fix.
@Anusha
I need to say first that this is not advice on having a healthy relationship with yourself (I hope someone lets me know as soon as they see me get one lol…), but here’s something that works for me for those times when all the doom and gloom just pours into my mind. Ever had a really bad headache or muscle ache and it was hours before you could get some relief? When you do come by a couple of Advil and chug it down, it still takes time for it to work, right? But you know now your headache has an end in sight, you just have to get through the next 30 minutes or so – nothing you can do about this last stretch because the painkiller needs time to kick in. For me, that always meant that I could put reacting to my headache “on hold”. As in, there’s nothing I could do about the 30 minutes so I might as well concentrate on something else.
This works for me when something brings the hurt and the missing into focus again, be it a picture, a phone call you ignore, or just hormones. I know it will pass, because feelings do. I will eventually get distracted or fall asleep or get galvanized into doing the laundry or a run or whatever. So I tell myself that the hurt is here now and since there’s not a damn thing I can do about it I might as well just leave it be. No matter what, I know that 24 hours from now I’m just not going to feel this shitty anymore so why dwell on it. And somehow that takes some of the sting out. It’s like you watch your misery come in, have itself a seat and start staring at you, and you say to it, “OK…? And…?” Well, all it is going to do is just sit there. There is no “and”. Eventually it gets tired and goes away. Silly, I know, but it usually works for me.
Disclaimer: I don’t actually *talk* to my feelings, no need to start padding my apartment yet, and it is after 1 a.m. my time…
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