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In the part one and part two of this five part series on compatibility, ‘type’, and ‘common’ interests, I have explained how these three things that our choices in men and relationships are based on are often at the heart of why our relationships are floundering. Many of you are pursuing a ’soulmate’ and chasing a ‘feeling’ rather than putting everything together and looking at the bigger picture of your relationship to see if the relationship is actually healthy and making YOU happy.
In this part, the focus is on compatibility, a word that I hear a lot from people who are struggling to find a mate or are involved in relationships that aren’t working.
According to Cambridge’s Advanced Learners Dictionary, the definition of compatibility is:
“able to exist, live together, or work successfully with something or something or someone else”
And this is where the concept of how ‘right’ someone is for us and our compatibility falls down completely when you consider our involvement with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns.
You are only able to ‘exist’ together if you play by their rules and dance to the beat of their terms.
Many women who have been involved with emotionally unavailable men and assclowns don’t know who they are anymore, what they want, what they need, what’s inappropriate, and even what ‘healthy’ looks like.
We’re too busy worrying about what men want, need, like, don’t like, and making them the centre of the universe, and whichever man is in the frame at the moment, we bend, yield, adapt, and make ourselves compatible with their behaviour.
We’re so busy trying to be compatible with the latest guy that it hasn’t occurred to us to ask whether he is compatible with us.
These relationships, dalliances, pursuits are not working. Many women are unhappy with the very choices that they claim are catering to their compatibility, type, and common interests.
Whilst the basis of the dysfunctional relationship between women and men who end up detracting from their self-esteem and catering to the negative beliefs about themselves, love, and relationships works for them, it’s not in a positive and successful way.
This ultimately goes back to asking yourself why you keep throwing yourself into oncoming traffic and wondering why you get run down? This is the relationship insanity of being involved with men that you’re really not that compatible with.
Part of the reason why we keep flogging a dead horse even when the relationship and him are showing very little signs of life is because it caters to these beliefs and in sticking with these men like glue, we don’t have to look too closely at ourselves and change our behaviour because we’re too busy obsessing about him, his problems, his everything.
The dysfunction works because the thought of changing and putting the focus on ourselves is incredibly uncomfortable and seemingly scary, and so we stay in the comfort zone of the familiarity of the uncomfortable relationships and behaviour from these men that we’re comfortable with and we call it ‘compatibility’.
But really, whilst it ‘works’ on some levels for you, in the overall grander scheme of things, i.e, the bigger picture, this doesn’t work for you because you know it’s screwed up so you end up lying down on the sacrificial alter trying to change the very man and the relationship that you claim is symbolic of your compatibility.
In fact, you often internalise the behaviour of these men and the struggle to get them to behave how you want or give you the relationship you profess to desire, and you blame yourself, obsess over him and the relationship, riddle yourself with self-doubt, and then try to change yourself in the hope that he will finally see how amazing you are and how your love is the best one for him, and accept you, validate you, and give you the relationship you want.
If you have to keep changing, throwing your boundaries out the window, and eroding at your self-esteem to be with the guy you claim to be sooooo compatible with, you really aren’t very compatible…especially when the onus of change seems to lie very squarely with you if you want to be with him.
Let me ask you all something, what has he done for you lately?
What is so wonderful about this man that you are compatible with the idea of being with someone who’s not actually compatibile with you, a toxic type, and may share some ‘interests’ but who is fighting being in a relationship with you and loving, respecting, trusting, and caring about you?
If you have been habitually involved with emotionally unavailable men and/or assclowns you are compatible with bullsh*t, illusions, and false promises.
You’re compatible with lies, inaction, the smoke and mirrors of words that carry very little weight, contradictory behaviour, ambiguity, denial, drama, frustration, pain, devastation, and placing yourself with men in relationships that offer the least likely possibility for yielding commitment and happiness.
These relationships don’t work for you. The behaviour of emotionally unavailable men and assclowns doesn’t work for you.
Compatibility isn’t about composing a list of things as if you’re filling out a profile on a dating site, ticking boxes. Look at the bigger picture – are you both together working together successfully on your relationship or has at least one of you got at least one foot out the proverbial door?
If you both share a love of music, art, travelling etc, that’s wonderful if aside from these things, he’s a man with values that are compatible with yours that result in you being able to share in a relationship where you both have both feet in, and there is the common ground of each other, and respect, love, care, and trust.
I know people who are really happy together who don’t share lots of the same interests, but they work. Successfully.
Working dysfunctionally and being unhappy to boot is not the same thing.
If you can’t communicate with your guy about the good, bad, the ugly and in between without thinking the relationship is going to go t*ts up because you haven’t said what he wants to hear, you really aren’t compatible.
If the only way that you can be with him is to throw away your boundaries and your values so that you can exist on his terms, you really aren’t compatible.
If being with this man means that you can’t love you and treat yourself with due care, love, trust, and respect, you are not compatible.
If you have to pretend that he’s more wonderful, interesting etc than he actually is, in fact, if you have to pretend full stop, you are not compatible.
If you want to be with him and he doesn’t want to be with you, or wants to be with you and other women too, you are not compatible.
If you’re the one doing a sales pitch on yourself constantly, trying to convince him that he should be with you, that your love/relationship is where he should be at, you are not compatible.
If you spend more time being miserable and trying to get him to be what you want rather than living and enjoying your life, you are not compatible.
If you have to sell yourself short so that his ego can get a good stroking, you are not compatible.
If your core values don’t stack up and you value different things, you are not compatible.
Compatibility is not about finding a perfect person that you’ve trumped up in your imagination or finding a mirror of yourself, or finding someone to fill a void within yourself.
Illusions yield relationships that are not rooted in reality.
Emotionally unavailable men and assclowns mirror the negative things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships – read my post on what our choice in men says about us.
Trying to build up our value by trying to find men to validate us and fill our voids is actually creating greater voids.
You know when you get those people that break up because one person wanted to lead the party life, travelling, having fun, and avoiding putting down roots, and the other wanted to put down some roots and build a life and have a family? Well those people invariably end up breaking up if they don’t find a common ground because they have different values and value different things.
Some people value their ‘freedom’, their security, their solodom, the lack of responsibility, and not dealing with their fears about commitment.
Some people are scared of solid ground, consistency, being expected, wanted, and needed from.
As women who want to be loved, we invariably value someone who doesn’t perceive being with us as shackles trapping them in the jail cell of a relationship!
We want to be ‘together’, cherished, have someone behave responsibly and not be afraid to be responsible for the impact of their actions on us or the relationship.
We do want commitment and when we deal with our own fears and issues, we will want someone who will put both of their feet in without being dragged their screaming and kicking.
As basics of a relationship, you need to be able to rely upon someone, expect, want, and need from without being punished by being called ‘needy’, ‘psycho’, or having them withdraw themselves so that they can manage down your expectations.
You need to be able to trust them.
You need to not be living in fear.
No matter how great the sexual attraction, how much money he has or doesn’t have, how good he is at his job, the fact that he likes reading, writing, is a poet, a musician, artist, good sense of humour, makes you laugh till your sides ache, big dick, medium dick, liked by his peers, got promoted recently, financially stable, ability to pull other women, how tall or short he is, whether he’s black or white, dresses well, absails, surfs, risk taker, likes gardening, climbs mountains, watches Columbo or whatever, what is the point in basing your compatibility on these things if you don’t get a committed relationship out of it.
If you have found yourself habitually involved with emotionally unavailable men and assclowns, you, so far, have been compatible with men that do not yield healthy relationships that leave you feeling good.
If you want to share the values of emotionally unavailable men and assclowns, then you’re compatible.
They value keeping themselves at a distance, living in lalaland believing they’re the best thing since sliced bread, getting an ego stroke, and any other fringe benefits that come in the package, as long as you don’t want, need, or expect too much from them or attempt to change the rules.
If you don’t want to share their values, trust me when I say that trying to turn a pigs ear into a silk purse by trying to get them to change and value you and your values is unlikely to yield you a return on your emotional investment, and may actually leave you emotionally bankrupt.
As always, take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Take care of yourself, learn to like, love, and value yourself by putting boundaries in place that reflect these things and teach people how to treat you and you will value different things because you’ll realise you feel a damn sight better.
As I said in part two, you’ve been chasing a feeling and focusing on how you’ve felt at those good times rather than looking at the bigger picture and ultimately, the incompatibility means that most of the time, you don’t feel that good at all.
It’s not an instant overnight thing. Many of us are impatient as if being compatible with assclowns and emotionally unavailable men is something that changes at the flick of a switch.
But it doesn’t actually take very long if you really do put them aside for some time, focus on you, build yourself back and focus on being compatible with yourself.
If you can’t like and love you, you will struggle to find love and be happy with it. You need to be able to exist with yourself and love yourself unconditionally so that no matter what happens, your sense of self stays intact, instead of you adapting and morphing to make yourself compatible with inappropriate men and situations.
Next up, I’ll be looking at type!
Your thoughts? Do you believe that what you think you’re compatible with will give you a happy relationship and a happy you? Is your perspective shifting about your Mr Unavailable or assclown?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Ha ha! Sucker punch the wind out of the dork? I’m dreaming about squeezing the breath out of the piece of sh*t with a telphone cord until his feet twitch, or a hypodermic needle (filled with some particularly painful concoction) to the heart while whispering, “Don’t worry sweetie, nobody will miss you.” Sorry – graphic imagination here. I would NEVER do this…STG…but I’m one pi$$ed of b*tch. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Ha ha. But thanks for sayin it’s normal.
And you’re right…it DID pass…or does. I feel better now.
@PlanetJane — I mailed him a letter & told him to “stop seeing the other person COMPLETELY if he still wants to be together!” – a nice, polite, gentle ultimatum;) I figured snail mail is nice..when I’m upset, i don’t talk or yell…I get cold and silent and don’t communicate. Nothing…he doesn’t text or email…he normally calls…he’s probably upset since i didn’t return his last 3 voicemails (prior to the letter). Oh well, no hard feelingzzzzzzz, i can be just as uncommunicative *evil grin*
Wow, 5 weeks is a long time!!! I would forget my ex’s name by then jk lol. You’re doing Grreeeaaaaattttttttttttttt!!!! Nah, you don’t miss all the BS, you miss the beginning when things were good, those blissful moments, those wonderful “feeling”..and it’s okay to miss those moments – that’s what makes it so freakin’ hard to let go!! Don’t deny it, enjoy it, butttttttttttttt acknowledge the NOW. That was then, this is NOW! He’s not worth it! NO ONE who treats you miserably is worth it! NO ONE!!! *Huggiezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*:)
@metsgirl
…wow, how incredible it is to go to a website and feel so much understanding and support. As I read down this list of posts tonight an overwhelming urge to be in the same room with everyone washed over me. Not to Man Bash, but to encourage and reaffirm for each other our God given value and worth. As I grow older I cherish the soul connections with my girlfriends more and more; I drink in their strength and breathe in their wisdom. Thanks metsgirl, and all of you, for sharing your journeys with me, offering courage and resolve in the area I need it the most and possess it the least. We are not alone
@flygirl,
I have imagined us all being in the same room, too!! For the positive reasons you mentioned. I sometimes have a picture in my mind of what everyone looks like, and it would be awesome to actually meet some of you. Altho I’m sure it would be strange – like seeing a movie after reading a book. Anyway, I agree with your appreciation of the support here flygirl, even though we meet in a “virtual room”, the strength and support feels real. Thanks for sharing your journey with us too
To Planet Jane:
I’m learning that the stage of rage is necessary because it reminds us that we don’t want to go back to where we came from! Even as many months as I’ve been getting past this relationship, I still have fleeting moments of rage where I remember how much I trusted in someone and gave so much of myself only to be lied to and shit on, but I just try to be more aware now. I have a smarter view when I meet men.
And to Flygirl, I look so normal that you’d pass me on the street and you would never remember you saw me. I’m not fat or skinny, I don’t dress flashy or dumpy. I don’t wear make-up, and I’m always clean. When I was a bit younger and in shape, people always mistakenly thought that I was some “famous” swimming olympic-type lady, but I’m older now and just tall and normal looking.
I’m hoping that someday some decent man can possibly appreciate that I don’t try to look like anything than who I am. Maybe there is a guy out there like that, too, hoping that there is a woman who can look past the outside and see how cool he is even when no one else seems to notice.
Until then, I’m just going to keep living and giving to the people around me the best I know how.
I appreciate reading and learning from everyone’s insight here on this site.
Sorry, now I just reread and realized I should have been responding to “meant to be happy” about physical appearance.
And, also, I love your new screen name.
@lisa
The way you described yourself could describe me. I do wear a bit of makeup to work, but otherwise everything else fits
I am tall too – almost 5 ft 9in. I do not put a lot of emphasis on appearance either, and wouldn’t want a man who expected me to look ‘perfect’ all the time – I do believe real beauty lies within. And thanks for the feedback on the name change – I was feeling somewhat negative about the name “notmeanttobe” so changed it to “Meant to be Happy” as a celebration of progress on this journey to a happier me. Here’s to happiness for all of us…
I woke up from a nap today with the insight that so many of us who have written here felt that the EUM was *the one* and lay there wondering how that could have happened, especially since not only have I never felt that way about someone before, but I also have never really known anyone quite so so cheap and stingy in any relationship I have ever had.
Anyone who has read my writing knows I am full of theories, here is mine on this * the one* business. The EUM specializes in vagueness, ambiguity and cowardice in handling emotion. This leaves it wide open for us to interpret how they really feel about the relationship, and we go on and make up the ideal scenario to fill in the gap that comes from the lack of substance. So, some of us, inexperienced with this sort of thing, because they really do not give much of anything useful of substance to go on, foolishly create *the one*, which of course, is a total fantasy. Turns out it takes a good bit of work to come out of the fantasy.
Relatedly, someone wrote something wise here a bit back ” If we can create a prince out of an AC what can we NOT do ? ” Funny and so true.. I now see that power, which really is some force to be reckoned with, and plan to use it to focus on reality and assessment in the future. If there is anything to be created with another person its a true evaluation of what healthy things are being given and received in any relationship.
Carry on, wiser women everywhere
)
@ butterfly – thanks I’m trying to see the world as my oyster, only thing is it is a whole new ball game now – I’m 30 and I feel like old and tired of men.
@ planet jane – my range is reoccuring, every three months or so I become so angry that I don’t sleep properly or eat properly for weeks -and then cry for days on end. I’m at the tail end of the lastest episode think I lost another 5 pounds, I wrote the AC a letter expressing to him the pain I still have to live with – no response! What a surprise – three days prior he told me how much he will always care about me – this only added to my rage
@cece well that will pass too, just go do stuff you like, buy yourself something you enjoy wearing etc. Leave him alone
Just leave him alone – mine “thought he would always love me” two weeks before he pulled exactly the same crap yet again. I know he’s sad now. I know he feels bad. It is irrelevant in terms of being about me because if it was about me he wouldn’t have done it in the first place: it’s all about him.
If you contact HIM and chase him even to tell him that he is hurting you then you are stroking his ego. Yep, weird as it seems, you are giving him attention and telling him that you are still into him.
Unlike you ladies I am not “average”, being that I am fat I am noticeable in this day and age. Even if I wasn’t fat, I’m noticable and memorable, apparently. I treasure what people say about me, that I am always cheerful (don’t feel it!), that I am warm and kind and that they feel safe with me because I am open. In my job that’s crucial …
Actually again @ cece – honey, join the gym. Make yourself go there. Use the sauna and steam rooms, the jacuzzi. Trust me, it will help, your body is experiencing “flight or fight” and working out really is very very therapeutic. Go for a walk on a nice day, with your ipod, and maybe read a book in a cafe or park where you are safe.
Wow! What a fabulous post about compatibility or lack thereof.
I’m feeling very strong at the moment about a man who did the bait and switch thing with me. He seemed interested in the conventional sense and then just wanted to be friends which I accepted. He is of a practical bent and has helped me with a number of things and I’ve done the same for him. The thing is he’s continued the flirty-flirty thing but if I’d responded he would probably go “I’m not that kind of friend”. So he’d get to have a bit of a flirt but could then do the touch me not thing if it suited him.
I’ve been playing it very cool with him but some more information has come to light that I think means he has a string of female ‘friends’ like this including an old friend (read ex) who is a massage therapist that he goes to once a week for a massage (a standing appointment). I think either one or both of them isn’t being honest about what they want because a massage is a very intimate thing to receive from just a friend. Hell I don’t massage any of my male friends who visit me.
Anyway last night I came home from a meeting with my daughter in tow and there he was waiting in my driveway waiting to return some of my stuff he had borrowed. I offered him a coffee and was cordial but cool. I was then regaled with his masseuse friend’s massage technique. Talk about the ultimate show-off. I said to him it sounded plain weird and kinky. So yeah, he came around for a stroke.
Now I’m just over this stuff and am going to let the friendship lapse as we don’t have regular contact and it’s usually only by text or email and I feel so strong because I’m not interested – not even as a friend -heck he can hump the neighbour’s dog until his tongue falls out for all I care.
During the conversation the talk turned to fixing stuff and he just had to do the “wanna screw?” joke. If my daughter had been at her Dad’s I’d have straddled him and said, “OK, cowboy – let’s do it – right here, right now,” looked him straight in the eye and then would have backed off saying “just kidding.” He probably would’ve freaked but it would be so funny, ’cause I could trip him up on the way out the door.
Got a date this weekend with a guy who is 29 (I’m 44) who is cool with my age – anyway it’s just a date, not marriage. You can’t imagine how much I’m looking forward to some hopefully pleasant male company even if things don’t move forward and I won’t be backwards in coming forwards in telling this guy about it if he contacts me – will give him something to think about.
All’s fair in love and war and sometimes a dose of medicine needs to administered to people like this – now if only I had a dominatrix outfit -but then he’d probably like it too much!
To Lisa and Planet Janet – sometimes it is lonely especially if you have a lot to offer but it’s better to have your own heart and soul intact rather than gamble them on useless tossers and let’s face we’ve all been there a lot.
PlanetJane and MorningCoffee thank you for your support
I think maybe Im not ready yet too after all I just started working on my self esteem,having boundaries and so on but I dont like the idea of being alone.All my life I had been involved with a guy being it a relationship or just daydreaming about a guy I was in love with (so still emotionaly invested and having a relationship with him on my head).Maybe that is why I got where Im now? Sometimes I think I should just forget about relationships for a while but for me that is so hard to do.
@aphrogirl – “The EUM specializes in vagueness, ambiguity and cowardice in handling emotion. This leaves it wide open for us to interpret how they really feel about the relationship, and we go on and make up the ideal scenario to fill in the gap that comes from the lack of substance.†– this is making a lot of sense to me. My ex would say vague things like “who knows what the future will bring†when we were discussing whether or not he would leave his wife. He rarely said he loved me, but had “strong feelings†that he couldn’t express, except physically. So I think I projected my own feelings onto him, and built him up into something he wasn’t, although I never really allowed myself to think he was “the one†– probably because he was already married and so not likely to ride off into the sunset with *me*. I like your theory though.
“Turns out it takes a good bit of work to come out of the fantasy.†– this is an understatement!
@Butterfly (and cece) – I agree with your advice to cece. Exercise is a great way to get rid of the effects of negative feelings on the body. Personally, I don’t have the discipline to go to a gym regularly, but I really enjoy dance classes as a way to work out, so really, whatever form of exercise floats your boat is great. I am *never* in a bad mood after dance class! And Butterfly, I know you said you have been good with going to the gym, and that you have lost some weight because *you* wanted to, not for any man, which is fantastic. I am not surprised your friends describe you as warm and kind and open, as that’s how you come across in your comments to others on here.
@Snook – “All’s fair in love and war and sometimes a dose of medicine needs to administered to people like this – now if only I had a dominatrix outfit -but then he’d probably like it too much!†– yes, I suspect my ex would like that, too! Or maybe something to tie *me* up with… (ewww)
@Planet Jane – I also feel that rage sometimes, and imagine ways in which I could let him know how angry I am about how he has treated me. But then, 10 minutes later, I feel like emailing him to ask him a question about a hobby that we’re both interested in. So I don’t know *what* stage of the grieving process I’m in!!! I’m a little confused
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