Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
To recap from part two:
“when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting:
having to love
having to communicate
having to be emotionally available
having to care
having to empathise
having to recognise someone’s needs other than their own
having to be trusted
having to be relied upon
having to be respectful
having to recognise your boundaries
having to be committed
having to be expected or needed
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths
having to make an effort
and having to think.
This is not about you – if he is a Mr Unavailable or assclown, he doesn’t want to do these things with anyone and you could substitute a different woman, and you’d get same problems, different package.”
If you keep internalising his behaviour and making it about you, you can take each of these things and say “I’m not good enough to love, I’m not good enough to be communicated with, I’m not good enough for him to be emotionally available with and so on and so on…”
Whilst you enable assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s behaviour by dancing to their beat and accepting it, they are how they are in spite of you. They were this way before they met you, they are this way now, and they will be this way if you’re smart enough to make a run for it.
This is not about you.
Stop making it all about you because it was never about you in the first place. If you had been at the genuine focal point of his actions and thoughts, you can be damn sure you wouldn’t be at this juncture now.
Hard as this is for you to hear, you set yourself up for hurt, not because you took a chance on love and it bit you in the bum, but because if you are habitually engaging with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and you don’t recognise not only how inappropriate their behaviour is and steer clear of them, they will be catering to conscious and subconscious relationship patterns that you are following because they reverberate with your self-esteem, they are familiar, albeit uncomfortable, and they cater to negative beliefs that you hold about yourself, love, and relationships.
Remember that emotionally unavailable attracts emotionally unavailable. Commitment shy draws in commitment shy.
This is about the self-fulfilling prophecy of ‘inadvertently’ proving your unworthiness in the quest to validate yourself.
If you compare your version of taking a chance on love to betting on a horse, pursuing Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and expecting better results each time, is like betting on a three legged horse and wondering why it keeps rocking up last….
Read my post on relationship insanity and why we throw ourselves at bad relationships and wonder why we get hurt.
If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:
1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you. Good things don’t feel bad!
2) Opt out. Instead of it always being about assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s rejecting you, isn’t it about time you started ‘rejecting’ them?
3) Stop focusing on the illusion and get real. Pronto! Go back to the list at the start of this post which I took from part two and start asking yourself what you really want, because unless you are happy to do without the basics (which you have actually already attempted), this cannot work.
You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
4) Start determining your own worth. If you have to force someone to ‘attempt’ to recognise your value and they have already opted out, whilst it may take you some time to process things, and overcome the dent to your ego, it’s better to process his behaviour and draw the a conclusion that allows you to move on.
The fact that he doesn’t recognise your value and has chosen to opt out (many of them were never in in the first place) is an ENORMOUS RED FLAG.
You cannot validate yourself on this man. If he didn’t recognise your value when you were with him, he’s certainly not going to recognise it now, and even if he did, what do you think you will gain from this?
5) Whilst you are licking your wounds, obsessing, and potentially wallowing in your perceived rejection, he goes on his merry way and gets on with his life.
If you dwell on what you perceive as ‘rejection’, it indicates ‘obsessing’ which indicates that you are expending serious brainpower stalling from accepting that the relationship is over because you are too busy looking for reasons to blame yourself.
If you are serious about eventually being happy and finding and embracing love, you cannot do this if you don’t process the hurt, heal, and move on.
6) Take one day at a time. You want to fast-forward to no pain or rewind to the hazy glow of illusion. Break-ups hurt, but they hurt even more if you don’t keep it real and be patient with yourself.
7) Knock him off that perch you’ve built up. It’s one thing for him to have an inflated ego, it’s another for you to continuously inflate it by making him out to be something more than he is. Get real very quickly and you will able to see that many of the things you place stock in about Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns mean nothing because they don’t translate to someone who treats you decently.
Check out my posts on But we have so much in common and 10 reasons why women choose men and why they shouldn’t parts one and two.
Cut contact. Staying in touch is like saying ‘Please find 101 ways to reject me again and again whilst I blow smoke up your bum with an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, and possibly even a shag.
9) Write down the bad stuff. Carry it in your handbag, put individual incidences on post-it notes around the house, write them on your mirror in lipstick, create a screensaver, reminders in your phone or whatever, but writing down the bad stuff is a reminder of the real him which you can look at and say ‘Er…no. I’m rejecting his crap!’
10) Stop being so hard on yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces. You want to be treated decently, it starts at home. Stop rejecting yourself by engaging with these clowns and start treating yourself better.
If you’ve spent enough time around these men, you know the deal and you know how the dance plays out, and yet you dance the dance.
And this is a dance. As I explained to a reader the other day, the habitually emotionally unavailable man or assclown has danced this dance maaaannny times before. He may insert a few extra moves or take some out, but this dance is very familiar to him.
Your sense of ‘rejection’ can often be very much tied to the good times and feeling that you must have done something really awful to scare him away or that if only you had tried harder, been better, needed less, been accepting, turned a blind eye etc, he wouldn’t have ‘rejected’ you.
As I’ve said, for him, this is about rejecting what a relationship represents and these guys are about whims, short-term highs, ego strokes, getting things on their own terms, the chase, and now being needed, wanted, or expected from, more than they are prepared to give.
Healthy relationships with prospects require two parties with both of their feet in the relationship. It can’t be happy clappy amazing days every day – you need to be able to be able to ride the rough with the smooth. There needs to be trust, love, respect, and care, and you need to be able to be yourself.
Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.
They’re not ‘rejecting’ you; they’re rejecting having to behave like a half decent guy in a relationship that feels responsible to someone, has to be committed, and loves, trusts, cares, and respects. That’s not someone you want to be giving the time of day never mind any tears of rejection… They’ve also given you a reprieve and the sooner you realise that you are not alone, that many a woman has experienced this and that you will not change him, is the sooner you can get over him and start living your life.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Kind of found this site by accident when I was reading articles about men who suddenly disappear from your life. It’s been a great help but I am still struggling and each day is a chore for me to NOT send him an email.
I got involved with a EUM (which I really now believe that is what he is) almost 3 years ago. We met him and his wife through some friends. They were having marital problems and I was in a bad 21 year marriage ready to walk out. Long story short, we both ended up divorced. Not because we wanted to be together – just that our lives kind of collided at the same time.
Our relationship started off as best friends and let into Friends with Benefits although never consistent. We would go a week, sometimes 2 without seeing each other but pretty much each time we got together, we ended up in bed. Kind of like a bad roller-coaster ride. Then to make matters worse, one of the breaks where he didn’t call or come around, he had hooked up with a stripper who he got pregnant. Helped him through all that – pretty much his listening board while allowing him to pop in and out of my life.
The weekend we were together was the first weekend in June. Then the following week we had lunch and we to get together that night but he had “Baby Mama Drama” to deal with so had to cancel. That was our last phone conversation. So after 2 weeks I send him an email asking if he was alive and said that it was apparent he had other people occupying his life this time but that I was surprised he could just walk away from me without ever speaking to me again. He responded with a bunch of excuses, teenage son drinking too much and having alcohol poisoning, to the baby having thrush, you name it, his whole life is one big drama bowl. Anyway, so I write him back that we had always confided in each other and what has changed, etc. and that I was always just a phone call away. He never responded. Then, stupid me emails him a few weeks later just to say I was thinking about him and hope that life was treating him better. His response was that he was thinking about me too and said “Talk with you soon”. To date, no call, no email, nothing. Even when we didn’t see each other, he still sent me emails at work.
Still trying to figure out what happened for him to just pull away from me like that with no explanation. We considered ourselves best friends, lovers, you name it, we were always there for each other. However, with all the drama in his life, I shy’d away from calling him much and let him call me when he wanted to see me. Not sure if he felt like he was doing all the work, or if the drama in his life has just left him depressed (he suffers major depression).
The last time we spoke was on June 11th (the day he stood me up for Baby Mama drama). I have not made another attempt since the last email and didn’t even leave him a voice message for his birthday this past week. Trying hard to turn my hurt to anger but it’s really tough. I’m thinking I was looking at us as being more in a relationship than what he felt. And…no matter what I read or who I talk to, I know it’s a toxic rebound relationship and those never work out. Just want some answers and some type of closure and am really thinking about emailing him again but know I shouldn’t. I figure if he’s dealing with a lot (and I know he is including a bankruptcy), I should just stay away and let him come to me if and when he’s ready to talk???
When I read the list in part two “when a Mr Unavailable or assclown rejects ‘you’, it is actually more about rejecting: ‘ I was just sitting here saying ‘yes yes yes!’. but I still have some ‘yes buts…’
My EUM doesn’t quite fit the stereostype that most people discuss here. He had a long term relationship for 16 years, ended about a year ago. He is shy, has low self-esteem, and has not dated since his marriage break up. He is a workaholic, works 7 days a week, has not had a whole day off since we met 8 weeks ago. He has no time for hobbies, sports, anything really! His work/boss is incredibly demanding of his time, but he has also worked these long hours (90 a week usually) for so long he doesn’t know HOW to cut back. He has been flaky, often not calling when he says he will, cancelling last minute due to work pressures, and often not making much effort when he does seem to have some time. I was pretty miserable about the situation when HE called time on it, he says it is only the work situation, he thinks I am great, and the little time we have had together has been wonderful, but he needs to get work under control. We seemed to have an instant connection when we met, and I havent had that with anyone in 3 years or more. We also both want to move back home one day – currently living on the other side of the world. So it is very hard to just accept and walk away! We have had sporadic email contact the last week. But it is always me who sends the last one…I can never ignore an email…Am I deluded to think there might be a chance we could try again in future, if he sorts the work situation out? Or is he just not even man enough to say he doesn’t want to put the effort needed into a relationship? Would love some advice from anyone who has dated someone with similar characteristics!
Sweetpea76,
Let’s look at a couple of things.
Shy – that is fear. Low self esteem, insecure about social and interpersonal position.
Works long hours. On the one hand, doesn’t understand about living away from the job. On the other hand, doesn’t believe their work is adequate – that more is needed, or better is needed, to be good enough.
Abusive, manipulative, slave-driver boss. He chose to work for this company in this position. He could, if he believed he was being treated unfairly, find something else to do. Notice that few people flipping burgers really truly hate their job. The fact that he stays in his position is exactly the same reason as a battered wife is slow to leave – they think they deserve such treatment. Emotionally he is walking wounded; you called this weakness correctly.
But I am not sure you are allowing for what all this means – it means he is dysfunctional. He is hurting, emotionally he is incapable of rational and healthy action and interaction.
If you feel all Nurse Nightingale on him, beware that fixer uppers rarely stick around for more than bed games. He will be much more likely to resent you interfering in his life than to be grateful – and grateful is a really lousy way to start a relationship.
If he is working 90 hours a week, that leaves 11 hours a day for sleep, eating, laundry, bills, commuting – he may as well have entered a celibate monastery and taken vows, for all the interest he has in a relationship. He could not have more deliberately avoided the possibility of closeness than if he shared a bed with his parents.
If he ever (or wants to) gets his work under control, I would guess that he would look for more work. That is the life he knows. In any case, you *have* to assume that he will work his way into this kind of situation time after time after time. If want to be like the old trapper’s wives – have hubby under foot a couple of weeks every half year – that is said to be the best marriage. But that is not what we have come to expect of a relationship. And it certainly deprives children and spouses of the chance to be a family.
Overworking is a character flaw. Being a life-mate and co-parent is a life’s work, the craft or profession or job we undertake to support us and our loved ones cannot be permitted to interfere (too much!) with the important things.
@Brad-You just described my ex.He is shy and works a lot too.He is smart and can get a much better job where he gets paid more and doesnt have to work so hard but he sticks to it anyway.He works like 10 hours a day and his job is so phisicaly demanding that he just praticaly pass out in bed when he gets home.I talked with somebody that was doing the same kind of job as him and he said that isnt a job to do for long.That is something to work for a short while when you need money or until you get a better one but my ex is on that for 12 years or so.He had a lot of problems on his childhood with his dad working too much and never being around and not looking for contact with him after the divorce.His parents got divorced when he was starting to be a teen so he had to go trough those years(in my opinion the time that a boy most need a male figure) alone.I see he went trough a lot and I think maybe that is what made him a EUM.
“But I am not sure you are allowing for what all this means – it means he is dysfunctional. He is hurting, emotionally he is incapable of rational and healthy action and interaction.
If you feel all Nurse Nightingale on him, beware that fixer uppers rarely stick around for more than bed games. He will be much more likely to resent you interfering in his life than to be grateful – and grateful is a really lousy way to start a relationship.”
I can realy relate to that,I tried interfering on his life and he resented me.When I asked for more time together he would say that I didnt let him live his life.Anyway I think that you said on the first sentence is very important,he is incaple of healthy interaction so having a loving relationship with him is just impossible.Thanks to remind me of that.
Hi everyone. I just found this site, and I really need to get some things that are bothering me with my MM. I kinda fell into this with him. I have never before been with someone elses man and I feel so strange. I really do love this man, actually right down to his core. He has 2 kids and says that he is “in his current situation” because of them and that he cares about his W, but does not love her. Well, after being together and ofcourse wanting more…..I reach out and he assures me of his love for me, but boy is he real busy all the time now.
My emotions are upside down and inside out. My core is shaking. I don’t want to be without him, but I don’t want to be the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.
I have nobody to talk to and I need some advise. help!
@Moondancer,
I can relate to your situation, and feeling “upside down and inside out”. I ended a relationship with a MM almost 4 weeks ago, and it was so difficult to get to the decision to end it, but I knew I couldn’t go on like that – as you describe so well “the woman in the shade of the tree that noone can see.” When I was getting ready to break up, someone on this site asked me “what are you getting out of this?” and she suggested “less than nothing”, while he gets the stability of a marriage, plus an extra bed partner so he doesn’t get bored. It is a horrible place to be. I also had nobody to talk to as I was too ashamed to tell a soul about our affair.
What are you hoping to get out of the relationship with this MM? If it is a loving, committed relationship, you may be in for a big disappointment. Yes, it is hard to break up with them, but it is sooo worth it – you are worth it. Now that I have not had contact with my ex (except for a couple of work-related emails) for a few weeks, I am gaining more objectivity, and I’m questioning whether I really did love him. He was *always* really, really busy, too, and I got to feel like I was wayyy down his list of priorities. Your man says he cares for his wife, but doesn’t love her, but right now he is *choosing* to be with her, and not to make a break from her and be with you.
Best of luck with your decision, and you can always come to this site for support. The best way to get feedback is commenting on the most recent post, which is “compatibility and your type” part 3 right now.
Please please Please please Please
Consider re-writing this page in a way that applies to both male AND FEMALE Assclowns/Miss/Mrs,/Ms. Unavailable.
Everything you wrote about Him also applies to the HER that is my ex.
I am much happier now that I have lost her – saddened by what could have been her, but recognize that she doesn’t WANT to be better. Man am I happier now!!!
This should give you materials a whole new audience – Everyone who has ever been pinned under an abusive partner. Yes, i call this sort of behavior Emotional Abuse. it hurts, it’s wrong, let it be OVER!!!
lonewing,
I think most guys can apply the parts that fit to their own lives. The issue is that of all the sites for women and dating, as far as I know Baggage Reclaim is the only one that focuses on what women need to do to escape a cycle of similar, hurtful partners. There is possibly room for a forum about how a guy needs to change to be acceptable to a partner of good character and suitable interest to be a good mate-prospect.
But guys seem able to hang onto the juvenile date-at-any-cost mentality so much longer. And there is little social pressure to consider perpetual dating – the Playboy philosophy – a flawed life goal. There seems to be precious little audience to embrace changing their lives to make a better shared life.
In some sense we are given the same myth and fairy tale that the girls are – that there is someone special just for us. The implication that we don’t have to change, to adapt, to strive to be an honest and respectable person to enjoy life with an honest and responsible woman just doesn’t make the top 40 or sexy ads or hot movies.
Know what honor and respect and discipline are in your life, avoid those that are disrespectful of themselves and others, that are undisciplined, proud, dignified, or arrogant – or have invested much of their life into a sexy image or an ability to attract bed partners, and I think you have a fair chance at finding an appropriate partner for a good shared life. Oh, and set out, from the beginning, to find a qualified mate prospect; dating for fun and then hoping it turns into “real love” risks getting attached to someone inappropriate from the get-go.
NML’s ebook, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains some of the problem. You are correct, just switching gender labels does not work, because society looks differently at men slipping around than women straying. Realistically, cheating is cheating, and always a failure of character.
Hope you find understanding about how to rebuild your self esteem and setting boundaries, to avoid repeating a painful relationship with a new, unsuitable partner.
Brad K.´s last blog ..A theme song for the EUM cycle
this is my first time on this site & i have to say it’s slowly but surely helping. i was dumped by my EUM about three weeks ago & while it hasn’t been too easy, im coming around.
i knew our relationship was bad from the start but i saw it as better than being alone. he said i made him miserable & that he couldn’t give me what i needed. it hurts when someone tells you “i dont think i could ever love you” & i immediately wanted to blame myself & wonder what was wrong with me.
i kept thinking “well maybe if i didn’t nag him as much he’d come around” but it wasnt that. i was the best girlfriend i could be & maybe i wouldn’t have had to nag if he treated me right in the first place.
i just need to stop blaiming myself because i know the healing wont start until i do. this site has helped me realize that there is nothing i could have done for him to see me for what i am.
he had just gotten out of a five year relationship, has a resentful relationship w. his mother, hates his brother for possibly being a homosexual, & took care of his dying father at a young age. i now see that someone like that is no where close of giving me what i need or deserve. its just hard not to take it personally
@ raquel,
No, I don’t think there is anything you could have done to make him see you for what you are. In fact, I don’t think it would have mattered if he had.
I am sure you know about being alert for the lies guys tell, when they are trying to “get lucky”. But I am not sure you realize(d?) that there are some truths you dare not ignore. When a guy tells you that you make him unhappy or miserable, or that he doesn’t love you – these are true. Believe him – and run away. Especially EUMs won’t change, they cannot change, not for you nor for their own good, either.
You mentioned nagging. I don’t think nagging is an act of respect. Like lying, nothing good can come of it, and we don’t do it when we respect the other person. Additionally, acting with disrespect becomes a habit, and we find ourselves being less respectful of others, too. Without respect there is no basis, no foundation for a relationship.
You made one really powerful statement, “i was the best girlfriend I could be”. I don’t know if you ever tried to eat ice cream with a table knife. It can be done, it takes more time, and more ice cream melts before you finish. Getting a better table knife, one more elegant, or lighter, or prettier, won’t matter at all, if a spoon is what is needed.
This guy wasn’t able to take care of himself, emotionally, and is years away, at least, from being useful as a partner for anyone. He didn’t need a better girlfriend. He needs therapy, and he needs to understand his fears and he needs to discover what his own needs are. No girlfriend will be better for him.
For many reasons, I agree that it is better to share our lives with a good person. But I think we have to be used to interacting with good people before we get interested in one. I think a couple is a couple because they interact with their community as a unit – they live and work as a couple, and less as individuals. The community considers them to be partnered, not just two individuals. So one measure of a meaningful relationship might be – is he/she able and willing to join with me, to share community responsibilities? That takes honor, respect, discipline – character.
It is tough not to blame yourself when that dish of ice cream is mostly melted, and you are tipping the dish and dipping that table knife, and still not getting that ice cream finished. The only thing you can do is walk away, and next time be sure he has a full set of tableware.
Luck.
I broke up with my EUM a while back because he kept postponing making a commitment to me even though we had discussed it many times. His reason was of course timing and waiting for his family to start supporting our relationship even though he didn’t make any efforts to make this happen.
We tried being friends after the break-up, but it felt wrong to me and I couldn’t talk to him normally because I kept lashing out on him for making promises he didn’t keep. He always withdraws when I am angry but he said he understood my anger and that he wanted to keep me in his life as a friend. Still he never initiated contact and I started obsessing about why he said he wants me in his life and still doesn’t get in touch. Whenever I called him, he would be polite and say he will get in touch soon, but he never did.
Even though I broke up with him, I ended up feeling rejected because he still makes promises he doesn’t keep. I have told him that he should just admit that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, but he says that’s not true and it just infuriates me why he can’t be honest and upfront. Lately he’s stopped taking my calls as well. I know I have to move on and stop obsessing, but I really want him to get in touch with me so I can reject him back and ignore him the way he has been ignoring me.
what happens when you have had a baby to a guy like this and he rejects you is very abusive to you call you names even though you are none of the things he calls you im a pretty women and he knows it and now i using the no ontact rule with him him he has to make all contact though my mum in regards to his child calls me ugly and fat and worse how do you deal with this problem is it him who has low self-estrem and is trying to bring me down he has stopped calling me now its only been 2 weeks with no contact but cause we have a chilld do you think he will stay way
Debbie78,
Is this guy paying child support? Are you going to retain full custody of the child? After the legal details are worked out, you can communicate through e-mail and make a mutually-agreeable meeting place for him to see his child-w/o contact.
Yes, this man has some serious self-esteem issues-not good for your child to witness his treatment towards you. People that hurt others in this manner do so to make themselves feel better about them selves, they’re called losers!
I wish you all the best with this difficult situation.
“Most of these guys are unable to cope with anything beyond the initial high and they like chasing that feeling, unable to cope with the idea that relationships grow, prosper, and should build into something steady that will burn a lot brighter and stronger than any lusty beginning. They don’t want permanency and they don’t want to connect, and they don’t want the responsibility that comes with being in a genuine relationship.”
– so how should i feel if Mr unavailable has now told me that he IS ready to get close to someone, find a steady, have a real relationship BUT not with me, of course. How can I not feel rejected by that? I feel insulted, humiliated and rejected all at once. In other words, I’m miserable.
annied, if what he says is true, and he is ready to have a real relationship, but just not with you, then he would need to have the following quality – consideration for other people and their feelings. But in that case he would never be so inconsiderate as to say what he said to you. So in fact he has nothing to offer you or anyone else.
wow, thanks peace. i never looked at it that way. you are right. who says that to anyone? let alone someone he claims to “love”. i’m going to copy what you said and put it on my fridge. a lesson for me and my children. thanks again.
annied, peacefog is right, …his words show he has no clue how to be a mature and decent person. It is also possible he is making a point to hurt you, since you rejected him ( I assume) by not being willing to put up with his crappy behavior. Silly clown.
The AC I know definitely had the ” take it or leave it” component to his very difficult personality. When I finally realized that work and compromise was not truly on his radar, I made the choice it was time to ” leave it “, and that meant I was rejecting him. Maybe you did the same thing by putting up some boundaries. The AC then struck out at me by saying some really shocking and cruel things. He was trying to hurt me, since I said I could not accept him anymore, as he was. And that was rejection in my part.
But, I assumed I would get a mature response to my very calmly presented boundaries. Not so at all. After the shock of how cruel , simpleminded and so full of hate he could be, I came to see his angry words as just more AC BS, which he is full of, and knows it.
So, I stopped feeling bad for his rejection of me, and realized it has to be this way. For, you see, I am not willing to accept him as he is, unwilling to work to change and have a healthy relationship and that rejection had to hurt him. And since he is working hard to be OK with himself, coupled with the fact he is not too emotionally capable, the only thing he could do was get mad, like a mean little kid, and reject me back.
Bottom line for me, as NC goes on, is this….their rejection is not as devastating as we initially see it. It really might be more about them doing something to cover their skinny little AC buts. Heck, they may even ” love us’, as much as their skinny lil AC buts are capable of. It matters not, it is not mature and stable love.
For me NC, firm and unwavering, has been the only way to go. It’s a long haul out of the EUM world too, evidenced by the fact that whenever I come back here I realize I am still dealing with the fallout. But I would never trade anything for the progress that I made from developing firm boundaries.
Never feel that you don’t deserve good love. And do everything in your power to give good love to others. But when an AC comes your way, I now know you have to step aside and let him pass. Anything else makes me lose site of what I want..stable, confident and mature loving people.
i am in a seriously bad situation. i have been w/ a chronically unfaithful and abusive man for the past 4 years. i don’t think it was ever just he and i the whole time we were together. it was for me, though. i was loyal to the end. he has probably hit me 8 times since i’ve been w/ him. once, i lost consciousness. the first time was about a year in. i have read countless books on relationships and have read this wonderful website for about a year. i have also been in counseling for over a year. and still, i kept holding on. just recently, i was humiliated to find out he is STILL seeing the same woman he was seeing back in january. the one he swore he had stopped seeing. she texted me..mocking me..asking where my man was last night. normally i would of gotten real nasty w/ her but i just didn’t want to. i am so damn tired of feeling not good enough for him to stay faithful to. i’m worn out emotionally. it is HIM i was upset w/. not her. he is the one that has allowed her to remain in his life. and i’m just tired of it all. i just want to rise above it. i’m sick of fighting for a man that doesn’t give a sh*t about me. and i am FINALLY ready to end it. i just don’t want to do it anymore. but now, he’s saying he can’t move out b/c he can’t afford it and he wants to make it work. i can’t move on when he is still living w/ me and i’m scared of the potential violence if i ask him to leave. but i don’t want to lose the strength it has taken so long to build while he hangs around….chipping away at my decision to end things.
i also don’t want to throw him on the street when he has nowhere to immediately go. i do pay the majority of the bills though. he helps me @ times. i just need some advice on this situation. thanks.
This site has helped me out so much Thank you !!
I don’t have a habit of dating EUM’s, so I had no idea people could actually be like this! (Yes I am young and naive).
I went through two years having the feeling that something didn’t feel right but the guy was always hot and cold and I’ve never experienced this before so I was baffled to what the reason was. I thought it was me and I searched and searched the internet for answers, then I found this site.
I will spare you the whole long story, but he has told me he loved me, introduced me as his girlfriend and then two weeks ago says I am only his friend (thats when I cut him off). And then I found this site, and it was like a light bulb went off – “Oh – THAT’s what it is! It’s not me, it’s HIM!”. I am no longer attracted to him because I am turned off by his emotionally unavailability-ness.
I know I need to cut contact with this guy, and I admit I am having some trouble cutting him off (I don’t contact him – he calls me). Sometimes I answer sometimes I don’t.
So this is my problem now: I’m in the beginning stages of cutting contact. I work with this guy, so I see him at work. I’ve told myself to be nice and polite to him at work only and not answer his calls. So yesterday I was tired and a little hungover (I went to the bar the night before with my girl friends to try and take my mind off of him – it worked and I had a great time) then I had a huge fight with my sister in the morning, so I my guard was down a little bit and my true feelings came out when he approached me at work.
He came by my desk to talk and instead of being nice and polite I was a complete bitch. I know this is because I am so angry at him and hurt since (I also feel betrayed and embarrassed that I let it go on for so long) but I don’t want him to know how I feel because then he will think “I was right not to be with this girl” and he’ll know that I am angry at being rejected. I don’t want to give him that satisfaction.
This guy is very VERY smart, he’s a pro talker and everybody likes him. He is very dangerous because of this. He acts very nice to everyone but he is very calculating in what he does and he is an expert at reading and interacting with other people.
Later that day I saw him in the hall and he questioned my bitchy behavior. I was SO bothered that I let him get to me that I texted him last night to say sorry for being a bitch and that I was dealing with some family issues right now. I wanted to explain my behavior so he wouldn’t think it was because of him – which it is. I also wanted to say sorry so I would feel better about myself.
He called today after work, I hesitated to answer but I picked up because I did text him yesterday and thought I would look bad for not answering.
Well….I acted bitchy towards him again, I couldn’t help it! It was completely transparent that I am unhappy with him. He is an extremely confident guy and was talking about how he’s the best dresser at work and asked if I thought so (see how he sets me up!) I said no, this other guy was. Which I immediately regretted saying because it just goes to show that I am bitter about the end of our relationship and that I am not confident enough to move on and not let it bother me.
I am so pissed at myself for behaving like that around him. To make matter worse, he was really polite and happy on the phone, which makes me feel like an idiot.
I’m so nice to everyone but when he comes around I can’t help but feel angry, and it shows whether I like it or not. So now I am thinking that I have to answer when he calls me next so I can show him that I’m happy and confident. I really REALLY don’t want him to see how much it has affected me.
I’ve gone so far as to cancel my cell voicemail and turn off my house phone so he can’t reach me. If he asks me about it at work I will just say I got a new number.
Any advice? I want to answer his next call (one last time) just to show that I can be nice and friendly with him so he doesn’t see that he’s caused me so much pain.
I know you are probably going to say I should just cut my losses and be polite and nice at work and not answer his calls outside of work. I am worried about doing that because he might think I can’t talk to him because it hurts too much.
I know that sounds stupid, why should I care what he thinks? But it KILLS me that he knows I’m angry and upset and I’m letting it bother me. The reason it makes me so angry is because then he was right to not be with me and that I’m not a good person, when I know that’s not true. I hate that he thinks that I’m dwelling on it and its bothering me, when in reality I have good reasons to be angry at him.
I think you have to ask yourself, why do you care what this guy thinks about you? He’s treated you badly and you still continue to be nice to him? This site is about empowering ourselves and doing what is in our best interest, if you need to communicate, it should only be about work-related. Period!
By the way, someone that requires such reenforcement regarding their appearance is very insecure.
Brittany, it’s time to think about yourself and stop apologizing , remember how he treated you.
I think this is the most healing information I’ve ever read.. I go back to it repeatedly to remind myself.. I’ve passed on the website to others. You are heaven-sent.
My EUM didn’t pull a “disappearing” act or cheat on me or anything. But once I started hanging out at his house, he treated me like a roommate. He went his way and expected me to go mine. Except we did have dinner together, but even that was a joke. When I wanted “us time,” he acted like I was being “too needy” and needed to “get a life.” When I wanted to “talk about something” he would get angry. And, when I would say that I had seen no change in a previous issue we discussed, he accused me of “not letting go of something.” And when I told him that he had unresolved issues with the ex, he accused ME of needing the counseling.
having to communicate – he didn’t want to
having to be emotionally available – he didn’t want to
having to empathise – he didn’t want to
having to recognise someones needs other than their own – didn’t want to
having to be expected or needed – didn’t want to
having to deliver on the words that come out of their mouths – BOY THIS WAS A BIGGIE! He would say, “we should do X” and then never make it happen.
having to make an effort – NO EFFORT was made, even though he claimed he was making an effort. I guess the fact that he provided the house was, to him, an “effort.” He didn’t have a clue as to what “effort” was.
@ SIANNA,
There is wayyy too much drama going on here.. and physically abusive?? There should be major red flags going off!
How could you possibly open yourself up to counseling and/or self-help books when you are living with this monster who is beating you to a pulp physically and emotionally .
Get out FAST. Stop worrying about what will happen to him, or where he’ll go.
For your own sanity – you need to leave… get a good therapist and really open your heart to begin the process of healing… it sounds like it will take a while…
Much luck.
I agree with PUSHING THRU…. SIANNA you need to put his ass out… AND its not your responsibility to worry about whether he’ll have a place to go. Did it ever occur to you that he is only there as a convenience? You state that you are paying the majority of the bills.. WAKE UP!! He is only sticking around because you allow him to and the longer you allow him to the longer he will use you up physically; emotionally; until you have nothing left… And then he will be on to the next best thing…HIS NEXT VICTIM.. let him go…
My ex tried to use me up… the only difference is that we were not living together… WIse up and wake up ladies is all I can say..
I think I am the poster child for this blog. I can’t help but feel as though it IS about me, especially if after our 10 yr relationship, he leaves me for one of the “other” women and he and she are successful and he does give her what she “expects” and all those things that were supposedly being rejected by him when he was with me, all of the sudden have appeal because of her and his desire to make her happy. What was I doing wrong that he did not have that same desire or what is she doing right that he has that desire? I just can’t seem to get past this and in spite of the advice that my obsessing is hurting me and not allowing me to move on, i still cannot seem to do it. Honestly, the only thing i want right now is to stop hurting and crying everyday, I have no desire to find a “healthy” relationship, I don’t want any relationship and feel okay with being alone, but I just don’t want to continue to feel, I just don’t want to feel at all. I don’t “fear” perpetuating involving myself in a bad relationship at all as I don’t want a relationship to begin with.
In response to your comment I am not going to tell you to stop obsessing and think about yourself etc etc. That is true but this is clearly not the cliches you need right now. I think that you are right in not wanting another relationship straight away as this might lead to more hurt as you are clearly not recovered from heartache. I know how you are feeling, the obsession, the what ifs and the crying at home alone, trapped in the misery of rejection. However you, I and others like us cannot let these feelings swallow us whole as the only outcome down that route I’m afraid to say is a padded cell or suicide.
My advice is to take each day at a time. Set yourself little goals. Eg : Today I am going to go for a long walk/take some excercise (endorphines will be produced, guaranteed to make you feel a bit better!) Or why not have a long chat with a good friend, listen to some good music, achieve a goal at work, do something new such as a hobby. All these small things will evantually create one whole and you may realise you are in a better place. After heartache, paticularly after a nasty breakup with an EUM we will never be the same and cannot expect to be so. We can only piece ourselves together again withdrawing bits of our old selves before we met them and our experiences with the EUM which will make our new self. One that is stronger and wiser.
HRTBRKN
10 years is a long time to be in a relationship and he moves on to be with someone else. Its especially terrible if you weren’t married for 10 years but just in a relationship. I don’t think people stay in relationships for 10 years without getting married altough it really wouldn’t make it any better if you were married for 10 years and he left cause marriage doesn’t hold a relationship together. I think if he’s not the right person then he just isn’t. Sometimes we stay for years because we become accepting of what we are receiving when its never God’s best for us. My best friend just got out of an 8 year relationship with her beau. Had a baby by him this being his 3rd child because he was separated when they had met but not yet divorced. After he finally got that divorce she had high hopes that he was going to marry her. Not to mention he moved in with her; she helped him to be the man that he was.. and after he got on his feet and started and knew that her plans for marriage were becoming way more serious than he anticipated he BOUNCED!!! Just a run through.. He has three kids already prior to their getting married; he gets my best friend pregnant all before his divorce is even final.. A year or two later its now final…. by this time he has moved in with my best friend; she anticipates just because she has #1. Had his child #2. Moved him in to her new home(he’s gets all the freebies; perks that he wants) #3 She has helped him on his feet and the final RESULT….. DISASTER… They were together in a relationship for 8 years!!! He didn’t stay with his first wife. and 3 kids… so what would make him behave differently? (Everything until she started giving him serious ultimatums that she wanted marriage) He made a run for it… And can’t even pay child support the way he’s suppose to and that’s all that he owes her at this point.. He got a free ride; her perks; free rent; and all she got was a child out of it. A child that has a dead beat as a father.
JJ–
Your friend should change the last name of the kids to HER last name. He doesn’t deserve to have: 1. a decent woman give HER child HIS sorry-ass name; and 2. his genetic material propagated AND his last name, too–too much of a HUGE windfall for him then…not to mention now already!
Ain’t it nice to be a loser man? You can get ALL the perks PLUS your last name and genes being passed on…for FREE! AND you get to see a lot of women, too! Imagine what the winner guys get! Maybe a hotter babe. Maybe one with a degree or two, too, and some money from the folks. But then she ages, too; doesn’t she? As he gets to know her, her faults–even if minor–become known; don’t they? Then the mistress comes in. And, of course, it’s always the wife’s fault; right!
Yes, VERY nice to be a man these days. The women’s movement and birth control did a LOT for us; didn’t they! When kids aren’t born, they get the free sex! When they are, they get their last name and genes to go on! And women still do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.–PLUS bring in money these days!
And then women spend hours agonizing over idiots who looked good only at the beginning.
All’s I know is, birds of a feather flock together. AND I have been hanging with too too many EUMs in my life. People, when you do this, it takes a LOT of energy, strength, etc. to hang with NORMAL people. I don’t think that I have ever known, until now, recently, what normal people are.
And, with the way the world works these days, these types of people are multiplying like flies! (Or toxic vampire bats!)
I take that back it was actually his 4th child by the time he got my best friend pregnant and now she suspects that there is a fifth child by another female as well. I tell ya.. these men can have children all over the place and you think you may know but you have no IDEA!!
This site has been rewarding in so many ways but i still wonder that if i had not cheated in the first place that maybe things would’ve been different. The reason why i did was because he was in jail for eight months even before he went into jail he was constantly making promises to help pay for rent and bills which he never did. It was a constant struggle to just get him to do anything responsible. On that note, he was constantly in trouble with the law. He had also hit me in which the reason why he got put into jail was because of me but also because of him not being able to keep up with his probation. Two years later and now im facing bankruptcy we have finally cut our ties. I cut them because even though we were on and off he keeps throwing things back in my face about what I did. He keeps telling me that its my fault for the reason why he is talking to another woman right now. I HATE FACEBOOK JUST FOR THIS!! He believes that I was leading a double life towards the end of our relationship but in fact i wasn’t. He doesn’t want me to have guy friends yet I just looked on his and he is trying to get at this girl that even looks like me. Im wondering if he misses me im wondering is she giving him something that I didnt. Im wondering why i commited so much time into something that he never saw that he truly hurt me and thats the reasons why i did what i did. am i the one thats truly the reason for making this relationship not work? This hurts so much that i cant even think about dating another guy even looking at another guy without feeling that bitterness and rejection yet he is getting comment after comment from this girl who flaunts her body all over facebook. I feel so alone and i feel like ill never heal.
@ USED
Yea you are right on that. Free perks(free last name) cause really when we have babies by these ass clowns that is really all we are giving them. Thank God my ex ass clown didn’t drop one off in me! Like I keep saying; I am no longer on sale. I am worth way more than what I have been settling for. I am done with ass clowns; EUM’s and Narcissts men!! Done!!
Natalie as usual your posts are spot on! While I blog about how to de-code the games and NOT take it personal, your blog takes it a step further to really help us figure out what is happening internally that has allowed these relationships in the first place. I really applaud your insight and ability to do this without making women feel even worse, ie-you are co-dependant period and there is something wrong and defective in you, which further adds to the pain-and that I’ve seen all over the web.
I remember a girlfriend of mine in a horrible relationship who said “I know that this guy is a total loser, and went on to point out why (and she was right.) She went on to say “But he’s rejecting me! This loser is rejecting ME, so, what does that make ME?”
And I just shrugged and said to her, “Lucky.”
She’s not with him anymore!
Lisa´s last blog ..Inspired-
For a few moments, I could FEEL what it would be like to have the type of relationship with love, care, trust and respect because of this article and for the first time in a long time; it was like I got a glimpse of how a healthy relationship would feel like – something my ex-EUM could never give. And how I would look back at the ex-EUM and he would FINALLY pale in comparison. Wow! It looks like I reached a point where I am beginning to move on in my life!
Thank you, Natalie!!
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