I am not that woman who will sit on the sidelines and wait for you to figure out if you're going to leave her to be with me.

This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response, I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here:

1. Have your escape route planned. If you have any sense of self worth planned, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.

2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.

4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.

5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!

6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?

7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.

8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.

9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.

10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.

Recently added article – Breaking up and getting over married men

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
First Name * Email *

733 Responses to How To Cope With Being The Other Woman

  1. walg9e says:

    yeah, I understand where you are coming from. But I look at it like this, I don’t know how far this new guy is willing to go. He says he wants a relationship, and so do I. He came over and we did it. It was good. And I actually woke up thinking of him. We have a pretty good understanding of the sex issue. I don’t think he wants to hit it and forget it, but just in case he does, my feelings aren’t all invested in him right now anyway. But as soon as I quit thinking of him, I thought of my TM. I’m waiting for him to call me sometime today. I have his # again and I can’t erase it yet. I don’t know if I should tell him how I really feel(depressed, sick, needy, lonely, sad, etc,etc.). Or if I should tell him I’m doing better than I thought I would. I guess I’ll be honest. I’ve never lied to him about my feelings. We’ll just see what happens. In the meantime, I’m waiting for both men to call me.

  2. Voice Of Reason says:

    Walg9e,

    Do you think telling him how you feel will change his outlook on things? It doesn’t seem that way from your previous posts, I think it’s one of the worse things in the world to pour your heart out to someone, and have them not say it back. If you and your new guy want to work on a relationship, then why not go for it. Forget about Mr Unavailable, and see if you can get the life you deserve with your new guy.

    Take Care

  3. kristi says:

    Hello Ladies!

    Sorry I had to disappear. I had a family member stay with me for awhile and we were sharing a computer:). I’m trying to catch up with everyone and hoping to read through all the posts by tomorrow. Wow, some of your names are really depressing:), say it ain’t that bad:)!

    kristi

  4. Voice Of Reason says:

    Hi Kristi,

    Good to hear from you, hope life is treating you well??

    Take Care

  5. mary m says:

    hey everyone,
    i just wanted to give you an update and maybe i can give some of you hope because sometimes it can work out.

    he has been amazing. it has been a month since i decided to give him another chance and it has been so wonderful. at first i was constantly asking him questions and not trusting him, but now i am really starting to. he has told his whole family about me and how he feels about me and they have all excepted it. lucky for me none of them liked her anyway. i even went to lunch with his brother. everything has just been amazing.

    the divorce is already filed and moving along and i think the annulment will closely follow. he is letting her have pretty much whatever she wants. i just want it to be over with. anyway i can’t say that i know it will work out for us but i can honestly say that if it doesn’t it will have nothing to do with her. right now everything is perfect.

    i hope things work out for all of you. thank you for all of your support. it would have been so much harder without you.

    good luck :)

  6. Voice Of Reason says:

    Mary M,

    Thats so great, I’m really pleased for you. I know it took a lot to get there.

    Hope you have a great time together.

    Good Luck.

  7. Mary L says:

    Hi Voice,

    The thing that bothers me with my MM is that he says things to me like: I am quoting his exact words “If I did ever leave my wife I would take you with me.” and he talks about us renting a boat, going on picnics, taking me quadding because he has quads. We never did one of those things. There is a list of things he says to me which confuses me. That is not right to do to anyone. Thanks for listening

    Mary

  8. Voice Of Reason says:

    Hi Mary L,

    Good to hear from you too…….

    What can I say…….. he’s a jerk!!! Ok I know thats a sweeping statement considering I don’t even know him, but he’s so wrong for treating you this way. What he’s doing is very manipulative. As for his quote ‘If I did ever leave’ IF?? He shouldn’t be saying that kind of thing to you, it’s just cruel, it makes it seem like there’s a chance he will. I’ve never liked guys that promise things like you’ve mentioned when they clearly have no intention whatsoever to follow through.

    The man’s a coward. Sorry if that’s harsh, but he is. You deserve so much better.

    Take Care

  9. MMisMyBoss says:

    Hi Mary M,

    Just logged on because I was thinking about you and wondering what you are up to!

    Couldnt be happier for you. You are proof that things work out for the best sometimes. I wish you and he all the very best.

    THings still pretty bad with me but I dont want to get into it.

    Good luck Mary M. I hope he turns out to be everything that you hoped for.

    Keep us updated.

  10. waiting says:

    Mary M

    I am really really happy for you..every once in a while wishes and dreams do come true I guess :)

    As for my story (which is very similar to post nr 688) it’s turned even more disappointing.
    After the past weeks/months of him saying he’s really going to do something about his situation, their cat, which was like a child to them for the past 7 years, died some days ago. I know it almost sounds funny, but I’m not laughing at all….because of this event his wife really broke down and is miserable and sad, and he told me that he is feeling really sorry for her and can’t think of making any decisions for now. I had said in my first post that she is very carerr-minded and spends most of her time at work, so he wants time to see if she will go back to her old ways and then he will start feeling resentful of her again and make a move. I told him if you are being nice to each other again, she will definitely want more than ‘friendly’ support eventually and then what happens?? He said then he’ll have to bring up the subject of splitting up again, cos he can’t see himself going back to a ‘normal’ married life with her again.
    So, right now, I have backed off completely. It hasn’t been long, and only in the past 3 days have I decided to do this. He said he wants time and space to see the outcome of all this, and whilst it’s killing me inside to cut off all contact, I guess this is the only way that I can protect myself, although I feel so hopeless and helpless right now. And maybe, if the worst comes to worst, I’ll be prepared for a final break if that’s what’s meant to be…..

    Take care xx

  11. brand new other woman x says:

    thankyou laura well its been ended now i told him not to text or ring me and ive deleted all trace of his number and this weekend i blanked him at work! however this just makes him more keen and i told him that i’m chasing no-one and that from now on i am waiting to be swept off my feet by someone that really loves me and wants to be with me! this is all good at the moment but he is so hot and i do love him and if he gets me by myself i know i’m gonna give in to his cheeky charm and very sexy body god its so hard taking the moral highground i miss him its not good! ignorance is key tho if i ignore him for long enough hopefully one of us will forget about the other!
    waiting! do you think he’s buying time with the whole cat thing or that its a cover up for him wanting to be closer to his wife again or that is he genuinely feeling guilty? x

  12. Deb says:

    I need someone to talk to and lash out at. My guys is driving me crazy. I wrote once before on my situation. I was married for 17 years to my high school sweetheart. He was mean some times and well it came down to I just didnt feel the love anymore and was unsure if I should stay or go. I met a great man, (married) and we began seeing each other. Hubby found out, threw me out, took my children and threw all our possesions and belongings away, (even the kids pets). I moved from OH to NC ( to be with my parents). My MM stood by me this whole time, helping me cope, helping with things for the kids, meeting my kids. Just a great guy. I love him very much and in my 17 years of marriage, never felt such strong feelings.. now My MMs story,he lives in MD, hes been married for 20 years, 2 teenage boys (who by chance has found out about me) his wife is an alcoholic, frigid to him, and hasnt had any intimacy with him for at least the last 10 years, he wants out, but doesnt want to hurt his kids (if they know, then whats the problem). Last week my X called me just ripping me a new one and saying alot of hurtful nasty things so my MM had me come to MD to be with someone loving and to get spoiled a bit. It was a great time, but come Friday, he dumps me and drives away.. but now hes talking to me and trying to decided who he wants… See he has given her altimatums for months, stop drinking or i leave, work on intimacy or i leave, so any time she is nice to him, he thinks their marriage can work, or any time she says she will dry out , it lasts for a day and bamm shes drunk again.. 6 months of ultimatums and he cant leave.. But all he can say to me is, im the love of his life, no man would choose her over me, he thinks im special and wants a future with me, but just not right now. I have taken this at least once a month from him, leave me , come back to me, and i can only take so much

    Yesterday, i got the first good news of my future, i got a nursing job and a house on the same day. I get full custody of my children and child support from the X. I have all this good news and he has become such a downer, i cant be happy for myself..to hear my kids excitement felt so good, to sit there last nite and listen to him talk, about how he loves her and he loves me more, how he wants to help and give my kids all they need, its no longer a rollercoaster ride, its more like a tornado. And i have no one to really talk to about it. I swear between him and my X, they are plotting together to drive me insane

    I was afraid to even write here, i know this whole thing sounds crazy and its hard to believe. Sometimes i cant believe im even in this relationship, but when we are together, it is the happyiest i can be.. do I wait for him to make up his mind, to only hurt me more.

  13. robin says:

    Deb,
    You sounded REALLY happy just now talking about your new job, your house and your kids. That’s what’s important in the big picture. Not this MM who is playing with your feelings.

    I can’t imagine a man wanting to stay with an alcoholic under any circumstances if he has found the love of his life (you). Maybe if you cut off contact for awhile and enjoy rebuilding your life, who knows?

    Take care

  14. Voice Of Reason says:

    Deb,

    The problem with ultimatums is they only work if the person delivering them is prepared to stick by them, if he doesn’t then his wife knows he probably isn’t going anywhere too soon.

    Congratulations on all your good news, the job and everything sounds like a good stepping stone to get on with your life. I agree with Robin, maybe cuts the ties for at least a while and see what life has in store for you.

    Take Care

  15. waiting says:

    Hi brand new other woman…

    I do believe that he does want to get out, because if it hasn’t been working for the past 2-3 years it’s not going to work now either. This may be a setback, and I am willing to wait a while (I gave myself a personal cutoff but haven’t told him when that is). He knows I will NOT wait forever, and he sees how popular I am with other guys at work and other places (please don’t think I’m being big-headed, it’s just the truth!) But I do want to give this thing a reasonable chance and therefore am prepared to wait and see what happens over the next weeks. Meanwhile, I am really making an effort at living my life and enjoying it with friends and family and he knows that too…and time will tell as with everything else.

    Take care xx

  16. robin says:

    I was reading a book this weekend (fiction) but there was a MM having an affair in it and it had gone on for some time (over a year) and he suddenly wanted to break it off. The OW in the book said I don’t understand, you said you loved me. His response was that when he was with her he thought about his wife and children, and when he was with them, he thought about her. He could never fully invest in either situation.

    If any of you have not been on the sister site to this one called “How to break up with a married man”, there has been a few posts from an actual MM named Neruda. He basically has said the same things. He knew that he would miss the W if he went with the OW and if he stayed with the W, he would miss us.

    I think what we fail to see (blindly of course) is that these MM are initially attracted to us to fulfill a missing need in them. Whether it is physical or emotional, they find it in us. When that relationship starts to grow though, they are unprepared to deal with the decisions and ultimately just put it off. Either they want us to end it or maybe even subconsciously want their wives to find out. I don’t know. I actually had my exMM in the beginning say he wishes his W would just find someone else.

    In any event, once the affair has grown with feelings and complications, there is just no way it can continue without someone getting hurt. And guess who 98% of the time ends up getting hurt. You guessed it. US!

  17. Deb says:

    I have thought about giving up all contact, but I find it so hard, because I do love him so much and it does feel like a forever kind of love. I see him for a few days every 3 weeks, and each time I do, its like i fall in love with him even more. All i have to do is look in his eyes and I know he loves me. I know he needs me during this time of such doubt. He has no good friends to confide in, and i have also became his best friend as well as lover. So, Its hard to want to push his feelings away, or not be here for him if he does get down and need to talk. I would say he probably talks to her about 10-20 minutes a day.. while he calls me in the morning, at lunch, at the end of the work day and then talks to me online for about 2-3 hours a nite. I feel im all he has emotionally. I dont want to hurt him allthough he continues to hurt me. I feel like im starting to become numb to all of it.

    And YES, im very happy to be getting a life back with my children. They deserve so much that was taken from them by their father and me and the kids are gonna have fun with the new house and furnishing, decorating and buying pets for it.. my little one wants a parakeet, and a puppy, so that will be a thrill to take her out and look for those things.. I had to start over fresh, so without even a fork to my name, this is gonna be a huge adventure.. I would love for my MM to join us and experience some fresh looks on those kids faces..

    Ugg such a plot of feelings i have

  18. Deb says:

    I have thought many times of just leaving the relationship, but I cant. I love him greatly and deep down he needs me as well. He doesnt have many friends or family to confide in, i know he is hurting, and I have become his best freind as well as his lover. but even I can only take so much. If I give him an ultimatum, then he may just leave me, or I may change my mind and then we are back to square one. Hes boys are close to 16 and 18. Old enough to understand but at an age that it could damage the son/father relationship. I have told him many times to talk to them as adults and show them the respect they deserve, in the end (all the lies) will hurt them more. Its like i can talk, give advice , offer support to him, but he never takes it or makes excuses. When he asks “how do I leave her, or what do I do” I try to give advice as a friend, not a lover. I just dont think he trusts me enough to listen and maybe take some advice.

    Dont get me wrong, I love him alot and since day one, that first look, I knew it was forever love. Im just not sure how long I can hang on for.

    I do know that my first priority are my kids and with a good job and having to rebuild from scratch (we dont even have a fork to our names) it will be a fun adventure for the kids, to be able to help me go buy things, help me pick out our furniture and decorations, even have me talked into a puppy and a bird.. Since the whole divorce thing they have been living at their grandmothers house and in 5 weeks (when they are out of school) it becomes final and we are back together again. I know it will be fun and a very happy summer. So I do have that to look forward too.. but even then, i want my MM to be around and give that extra support and love that most women need.. I want that holding every nite, that bonding, but i only get it every 3 weeks as it is.. at some point i have started to get jelous of his home life, i had all he has till my hubby found out and he still has his whole life and family around him.. and sometimes when he talks of them, its like he is flaunting it in front of me.. then its the times he talks of what a great future he and I will have some day, kids of our own maybe.. a few minutes later, i cant leave her.. i think hes more confused than i am lol

    i wanna thank you guys for this site, the past few days has been a tornadoe for me and i can talk and talk , and someone understands me.. i may be the other woman, but i have tremendous feelings and hurt just like anyone else.. bless you guys

  19. Deb says:

    dam it i lost internet connection tried to post and now i have two post on here,, sorry guys

  20. laura says:

    Sorry i’ve not been on in a while but my computer was broke. I just really really need to vent. I’m sitting here like a fucking idiot waiting on my mm to come up and he has just text me telling me he’s going to be late so we should just leave it tonight. I’m so fucking angry. Who does he think he is. I’ve not seen or heard from him in three days and he pulls this stunt. I have seriously had enough of this shit. Usually when something like this happens, i’m on the phone to him or texting him but instead i’m doing this. That him just text me and i’m talking to you guys and ignoring him. So thank-you. He’s wanting to come up now but he can kiss my ass. I just feel like i’ve took as much as i can take. Why do they push to this? Do you’s think they do it to see how far they can push you? I’m sure they do. I need to stay strong. He can’t treat me this way. It’s up to me to change it. He has absolutely no regard for me, he thinks i’m just going to be here waiting for him whenevr he decides well i’m taking control now. I am no-ones doormat.
    Thank-you all for letting me vent and keeping me strong x

  21. Deb says:

    Im fairly new to this site, so its taken awhile to read all the posts and other topics out there, and I have to say, reading all this is starting to open my eyes.. I thought maybe just maybe my situation was different, but when it comes down to it, its not. I start to feel ashamed of my life style now (with a MM) and I begin to feel sorry for his wife. All I hear is, i stay for the kids, or i need to give her a chance, or I dont know how to leave her, or I will loose alot of financial security, and alot of all i want is you and I cant loose you.. but im getting so confused anymore and like most of the post I read,, i cry so much anymore.. im having such a hard time with all this. I love him very much and now we are at a point where he cant decide who he wants his future to be with. I have my X husband torturing me and now it feels like my MM is doing the same, testing the waters.

  22. Jennifer says:

    I just broke up with a mm that I have been seeing for 3 years this May. He is married with no kids we also work together which makes things harder. After probably the last year of feeling…jealous, untrusting, sad and worthless I finally broke it off for good. After reading this board I see a pattern:
    Most of us feel:
    1. not like ourselves
    2. alienate friends/family from our lives
    3. being to feel worthless and extremely lonely

    These men:
    1. normally want what they cant have meaning as soon as we say we are leaving they beg us to stay
    2. say there is some “reason” they can’t leave their wife…kids, money, dont want to hurt her feelings
    3. they promise us everything will be fine once they do leave their significant other.

    Well I for one finally had it, for all the times I spend alone, basically loosing all of my close friends, feel worthless, ugly, stupid, not good enough (like he is embarassed of me) loosing all my self confidence and pretty much feeling trapped because of the situation I was in, I truly felt like I should “wait it out” well I have been “waiting it out” for a long time now and if he really cared OR if I really cared about myself I should not be in this situation. I am NONE of those things I listed above but I have let someone allow me to feel that way. I do not blame him I blame myself for allowing him to have so much control over my feelings. It started out only being a sexual thing and turned into so much more but after 3 years I could no longer go on, the constant excuses and do I really believe once a man has their freedom they are going to want to be in another committed relationship PLEASEEEE…no matter what excuse he has come up with there is no reason for an affair PERIOD….so I suggest to anyone reading this if you feel any of these things just get away for a weekend…a week…anything and not talk to him, pretend like you are single and see how much better you feel, act it out first that always help you will say to yourself…oh my gosh WHAT have I been doing to myself, how can I let a man make me feel like that. Trust me it was not easy for me I have thrown phones against the way, cried BEGGED and pleaded felt like my life was over, I was to old to find love again (I am only 32)I have never been happier in my life that how I feel today.

  23. laura says:

    Thanx for that. It’s been four days since i last saw him. After last nights carry-on i haven’t answered any of his texts, i’ve not called him and i don’t intend to. He’s now stopped texting me, his logic is that if he leaves me long enough to “stew in my own juice” i will contact him. Well that ain’t going to happen i’ve took enough of his complete disregard for me. I’m so sick of his pathetic excuses. The guy doesn’t know where the truth begins and where the lies end. He lives in his own little world that everythings rosy in his garden so f everybody else. Well maybe his w is happy to put up with his unbelievably selfish behaviour but i won’t. He’s treating me like a complete idiot and this is the man thats supposed to love me more than he’s loved anyone. Yeah right pull the other one. The only thing he loves is the complete undivided love and attention he gets from me. Harsh but true. So thank-you jennifer, just when i started to feel a little sorry for him i read your post and i know i’ve made the right decision. I’m going to get the glad rags on and go on a night out with my friends and move on from this sad little man.
    Once again thank-you for letting me vent. Sorry i went on x

  24. Karina says:

    Laura, you made the right decision. Stay strong. It will get better with time. My life changed for the better the second I stopped seeing him. Yours will too. It is so much better without lies, secrets, acting like an international spy to guard this so called relationship. After 5 and half years of being with a MM and 3 years of being out of it, take my word for it, you will heal and you will be happier for it.

  25. walg9e says:

    Laura:
    You keep it up! You’ll be ok. Just keep ignoring him and he’ll try to come back on and on until he realizes that you are foreal and then he’ll give up or make the necessary changes to get you back.

    I’ve come to question whether or not my TM(taken man), is bisexual. It makes perfectly good sense. He won’t have sex with me, he is attracted, but won’t act, he really does care and love me, but he’s fuckin a man and that’s why he won’t fuck me! He has a man, but still is attracted to women, but won’t act physically because he really wants to be with men. That’s why his “woman” lets him explore his feelings for me. That’s why his “woman” understands his actions and doesn’t get upset. That’s why his “woman” doesn’t visit his house because his mom lives with him and she ain’t on that gay shit. That’s why he doesn’t get jealous when I tell him I’ve fucked someone,or that I like someone else, because he really doesn’t want to be with me, he just likes having me around to talk to. It makes perfectly good sense. What do ya’ll think?

  26. Voice Of Reason says:

    Laura,

    Well done for how good you’re doing, live life for yourself…. :-)

    Walg9e,

    I don’t get your situation at all, other than it sounds pretty destructive. to be f*cking others and telling him that you have to see if you can get a reaction just isn’t productive. I have no idea what his game is, but seems to me that you’ve been dragged in to a no win situation.

    If you wanna know what his persuasion is, why don’t you just ask?

    Take Care

  27. walg9e says:

    VOR,
    I have finally figured him out. He is a polyamorist. Have any of you ever heard of this? It’s when a person has many loves. They feel they shouldn’t be excluded to only love one person and that there are many facets to love. You love one person this way and another one this way. They would compare it to how a mother loves her two children two different ways, but that doesn’t mean that she loves them any less. She just loves them in different ways.

    I know understand everything, how she allows him to develop another meaningful relationship with another woman, and how he feels that just because he loves me doesn’t mean his love for his woman is any less. See in polyamory, the people involved know about eachother. The main couple communicate the boundaries before they explore other relationships. In their case, they have decided to remain monogamous with eachother meaning they aren’t to ingage in sex with another, but if they meet someone who is special to them and they want to get to know them and if they eventually become close to them, then that’s ok because should they begin to love that person, that is ok because that love doesn’t interfere with their love.

    It’s real crazy to understand. That’s why he doesn’t consider himself cheating because everyone involved knows about the other and no one objects to it. She probably wants him to share his love. That’s called compersion. It’s the complete opposite of jealousy. The other partner enjoys seeing their beloved share their love with others. Some even sexually.

    Now that I understand where he is coming from, I understand him even better. But that still doesn’t mean that I want to continue this relationship because I need for him to give me all of his love. He is limited in what he can give because of their agreement. The closer we get, the more the bond gets stronger, the more sexually attracted I become to him. When I am around him my skin feels like it’s on fire. I become overwhelmed with desire. And because at this moment in time, he can’t give himself to me, it’s a no win situation.

    That’s why he doesn’t get jealous when I tell him about other men because he wants me to enjoy myself and be happy. He sees nothing wrong with satisfying my desires as long as it makes me happy.

    I told him that I would be satisfied sharing him with her as long as he gave all of himself to me and the time he give me doesn’t interfere with her time and vice versa. Right now, I’ve never had a problem with him not being available because of her. He doesn’t tell me anything about her, and he never tells me when he’s seen her or planning on seeing her, so it’s like she doesn’t exist even though I know she does. As long as he continues this, I would be ok with it because it’s not like I’m wondering if he’s with her or whatever. He never seems to sleep over her house because their schedules are opposite. So if he came over after work, it wouldn’t interfere with her time because he wouldn’t have gone over there anyway. In the meantime, I would still be able to develop another relationship with another man if I meet someone else. I wouldn’t be exclusive to him. That would be my agreement.

    But I just wanted to tell you all about that and see what your thoughts are.

  28. laura says:

    Ok sixth day and i’m feeling a little low. This is nearly the longest i’ve gone without seeing him and it’s getting pretty hard. I’ve not heard from him which has surprised me. Usually by this time he’s declaring his undying love. Part of me is relieved he’s not doing that but the other part just makes me think he didn’t give a f*** about me. I was seeing him for a year and he doesn’t seem bothered. I’m stil adamant i’m not contacting him. It’s going to be hard but i’ve got my whole life in front of me. What has he got? an unhappy marriage, up to his neck in huge debts and a boss who hates him.
    It was his birthday the other day maybe him and his w rekindled or maybe he has someone-else in his sights whatever the reason for not contacting me is. He’s just a sad old man that really needs to get over hiself. He’ll never find anyone who loved and treated him like i did. His loss not mine.
    Sorry for going on but i feel better after that little rant. Thanks for listening. Take care

  29. Voice Of Reason says:

    Walg9e,

    After reading through your post a few times….I have to be honest and say it’s something I’ve never heard of, and yes it does seem a little crazy. On what you’ve said I’m assuming he won’t be getting married as the exclusion of all others part is gonna be a bit difficult to fulfil…. ;-)

    I’m not saying it is impossible to love more than one person at the same time etc etc, but I think it must be a very difficult to maintain the kind of lifestyle that he has. All I can say is I think his behaviour smacks of wanting to be the centre of several people’s lives. But that’s just the jaded old cynic in me

    At the end of the day all you are really describing is a couple that have an open relationship, and you’re part of it, whether it’s sexual or not. However on the flipside of that, I think this ‘share the love’ stuff is all pretty flaky.

    Please don’t think I’m being critical, cos I’m not, but I think of being the other woman as an arrangement and NOT a relationship as such. I think a lot of women in this situation make this basic mistake and to do so usually causes a lot of pain and unhappiness. They want their MM to be a boyfriend/partner, when it’s just not something they can do.

    Laura,

    You’re doing so well, seems like you’ve got the measure of him. Do your thing and enjoy life.

    Take Care

  30. walg9e says:

    Hey all,
    Well I’ve talked to my TM and although I was falling asleep on the phone, I did remember him comparing his feelings for me and his GF as being even like on a scale. He said it’s even and it’s not tipping in either direction right now. SO I now know that she doesn’t exactly have the upper hand right now. Then he told me that when I found my new SEX friend, that he thought we had found a balance to our situation. That my new friend would satisfy my sexual needs and that HE would satify my emotional needs. What the hell! I told him that it didn’t matter if I was having relations with someone else, as long as I continue to get close to him, my passion for him will also continue to grow. Then he asked how can we balance it out? I told him that I didn’t know because everyday I don’t talk to him, I hurt, and sooner or later he’ll say something to me that will make me think about the fact that he isn’t my man. And then I’ll have a breakdown for about two days. So where’s the balance? I hurt either way. But I must confess, the days I don’t talk to him doesn’t hurt as much as the breakdowns. So maybe we are doing the right thing by not talking everyday.

    Has anyone found a balance in their situations?

  31. Voice Of Reason says:

    Walg9e

    Well congratulations I think you’ve finally found the one ‘other woman’ situation that is totally unique….Why are you still in this???

    All joking aside, what the hell is this guy on??? Why does he have this need to differentiate between emotional and sexual need. I really can’t think of any of my guy friends, that would be ok with someone they are interested in sleeping with another guy, whilst being happy just to have an emotional connection. In fact I think most of them would laugh at the suggestion. Men are very sexual creatures.

    Also not sure how can you say the girlfriend doesn’t exactly have the upper hand….. she has him! She’s getting the intimacy you want. She IS his girlfriend and as you already know, he’s in no rush to change anything.

    In answer to your question, I have balance in my situation, but as it is so very different to yours, I’m not sure anything I say about mine will be of any use to you.

    Me and my guy speak, almost everyday, we meet up when time and work allows, we both travel quite a bit for business so that helps to be able to meet up in hotels etc. My MM will not share me with anyone, if I met anyone else he would walk. When we spend time together he accepts he is mine, but when he leaves thats it. It’s back to the real world, I never contact him at home. After all is said and done, his wife is a good person and I have no wish to invade in on her life. Thats his time and I respect that. He treats me well and we both know what the situation is, thats our balance.

    As I said it’s probably not much use to you.

    Take Care.

  32. walg9e says:

    VOR,
    How come your MM will walk if you have another man, while he is married? That is very selfish to say the least. He should be able to share you just as you share him. I know you are probably not interested in no one else, but you should at least be open to. And if he can’t deal with it, then oh well. I hope you aren’t preventing yourself from meeting a man you can have all to yourself. You fit the description of having compersion. You don’t get jealous of the wife? If not you definately fit compersion.

    In my case, you are very right. She does have the upper hand. And I have met another man who satifies my sexual desires. For at least right now. If you want to understand how he can be ok with me having sex with another man, please look up polyamory and compersion. That will explain everything.

    I’m doing fine now that my new friend explained that his phone had gotten damaged and he had to get another one and didn’t rememorize my #. That’s why he hadn’t called me. But now we are back in touch and I still want to call my TM, but it’s easier to not call when I have my new friend.

    I think that everyone who has a MM should also have another friend that helps the ease of not being able to be with your MM all the time. It helps the waiting game.

    Hope everyone is doing fine. Stay strong!

  33. [...] email, especially since I wrote a post ages ago about how to cope with being the other woman (also see the original), with many hoping their experience is the [...]

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!