A common thread that runs through the issues that arise from being involved in poor relationships with men is the lack of boundaries and then enforcing them.
Women are incredibly accommodating of the male species – We’re suckers for sob stories, lame excuses, big d*cks, great sex, mediocre sex, some company, smoke and mirrors, seeing the wood instead of the trees, a phonecall/text message/email, and essentially, we are happy to adjust our yardsticks in the hope that they will ‘reward’ us with their love and a relationship.
Ladies, if you have no boundaries, it is like saying to a guy ‘Please, screw me over. Do what you like – I don’t care! I am desperate! I don’t care about myself! I need you more than I need my sanity or self-esteem!’
If you don’t have any boundaries, how do you know when something feels right?
If you don’t have any boundaries, how do you know when something feels wrong?
If you don’t have boundaries, at what point do you say ENOUGH?
If you don’t have boundaries, isn’t it like putting up a sign and saying ‘I’m open for business to the waifs and strays of the dating world’?
If you don’t have boundaries, how do you know when to step back and take action?
Oh that’s right…you don’t take action!
You have to have boundaries in any relationship that you have with another individual, whether that is friends, family, or lovers.
You don’t make this up as you go along – this is about knowing your value and knowing your values.
It’s about knowing what you are and aren’t prepared to accept and sticking to it. This means that when people cross your boundaries, it is a signal to you that something big is wrong and you need to process the information and take action.
Normally that something wrong is a Red Flag . Why do I say this?
You’re not supposed to accept the crossing of boundaries because when this occurs, it’s usually a sign that something is fatally wrong with the liason – this is a red flag. It’s red alert, pay attention, step back, abort mission.
Having boundaries means that trust your gut and your instincts and respect yourself. It means you make uncomfortable decisions even when your heart and/or libido may be telling you something different to your head because you know that irrespective of how you feel, this man has done something that is inappropriate and unacceptable.
Like it or not, many of you are going to have to get familiar with having limits – trust me, you’ll thank me when you’re happier, trusting yourself, trusting others, and not losing your mind!
The big problem though is that many women that I come across through this blog have zero or very little boundaries! Far too focused on trying to get a relationship that should have been killed off long ago, and petrified of losing, being alone, and someone else getting the chump, many women I come across would rather bet on potential and live in denial and fear than actually tell someone that the relationship can’t sail because they know it can’t work.
If you have no boundaries, one day, you do realise that everyone is taking advantage of you!
But…the likelihood is that if you have no boundaries, you think you’re a kind, generous, well meaning person that’s trying to be understanding, and that is repeatedly taken advantage of by men… and you blame them rather than look at what your part to play in things is.
But…a man can only step outside boundaries that he’s allowed to step outside of. So for instance, if one of your boundaries is that you don’t share men but when you find out he’s screwing someone else, you accept it and try to get him to be with you too, or replace her, you send a signal to him that irrespective of what is coming out of your mouth, you don’t respect yourself or your boundaries, and he can do what he likes.
This is no different to when a man treats you like sh*t but you’re still chasing him to come back and be with you – where are your boundaries? At what point is crap behaviour unacceptable?
You know those times when you feel afraid, agitated, nervous, and basically negative? Your boundaries are being crossed and these feel like a violation.
The critical mistake that women are making is actually knowing that they feel like sh*t and actually often knowing why, then bemoaning the fact that the person has acted in a certain way (crossed their boundaries), and then doing nothing.
It is time to ask yourself what your boundaries are and if you don’t have any, you’d better come up with some! Need a place to start – look at all your past relationships and what didn’t work (trust me – they didn’t work) and start defining what you are not prepared to put up with. Write it down and pin it up and acclimatise yourself to a new outlook of self respectability and higher self-esteem.
Steer clear of superficial stuff and establish some values because you know what? If you have no boundaries, you don’t believe you bring enough to the table to reject someone’s behaviour. Let your boundaries and awareness of red flags act as your guiding light to getting to know that you that gets involved in relationships and use them to build your confidence.