A common thread that runs through the issues that arise from being involved in poor relationships with men is the lack of boundaries and then enforcing them.
Women are incredibly accommodating of the male species – We’re suckers for sob stories, lame excuses, big d*cks, great sex, mediocre sex, some company, smoke and mirrors, seeing the wood instead of the trees, a phonecall/text message/email, and essentially, we are happy to adjust our yardsticks in the hope that they will ‘reward’ us with their love and a relationship.
Ladies, if you have no boundaries, it is like saying to a guy ‘Please, screw me over. Do what you like – I don’t care! I am desperate! I don’t care about myself! I need you more than I need my sanity or self-esteem!’
If you don’t have any boundaries, how do you know when something feels right?
If you don’t have any boundaries, how do you know when something feels wrong?
If you don’t have boundaries, at what point do you say ENOUGH?
If you don’t have boundaries, isn’t it like putting up a sign and saying ‘I’m open for business to the waifs and strays of the dating world’?
If you don’t have boundaries, how do you know when to step back and take action?
Oh that’s right…you don’t take action!
You have to have boundaries in any relationship that you have with another individual, whether that is friends, family, or lovers.
You don’t make this up as you go along – this is about knowing your value and knowing your values.
It’s about knowing what you are and aren’t prepared to accept and sticking to it. This means that when people cross your boundaries, it is a signal to you that something big is wrong and you need to process the information and take action.
Normally that something wrong is a Red Flag . Why do I say this?
You’re not supposed to accept the crossing of boundaries because when this occurs, it’s usually a sign that something is fatally wrong with the liason – this is a red flag. It’s red alert, pay attention, step back, abort mission.
Having boundaries means that trust your gut and your instincts and respect yourself. It means you make uncomfortable decisions even when your heart and/or libido may be telling you something different to your head because you know that irrespective of how you feel, this man has done something that is inappropriate and unacceptable.
Like it or not, many of you are going to have to get familiar with having limits – trust me, you’ll thank me when you’re happier, trusting yourself, trusting others, and not losing your mind!
The big problem though is that many women that I come across through this blog have zero or very little boundaries! Far too focused on trying to get a relationship that should have been killed off long ago, and petrified of losing, being alone, and someone else getting the chump, many women I come across would rather bet on potential and live in denial and fear than actually tell someone that the relationship can’t sail because they know it can’t work.
If you have no boundaries, one day, you do realise that everyone is taking advantage of you!
But…the likelihood is that if you have no boundaries, you think you’re a kind, generous, well meaning person that’s trying to be understanding, and that is repeatedly taken advantage of by men… and you blame them rather than look at what your part to play in things is.
But…a man can only step outside boundaries that he’s allowed to step outside of. So for instance, if one of your boundaries is that you don’t share men but when you find out he’s screwing someone else, you accept it and try to get him to be with you too, or replace her, you send a signal to him that irrespective of what is coming out of your mouth, you don’t respect yourself or your boundaries, and he can do what he likes.
This is no different to when a man treats you like sh*t but you’re still chasing him to come back and be with you – where are your boundaries? At what point is crap behaviour unacceptable?
You know those times when you feel afraid, agitated, nervous, and basically negative? Your boundaries are being crossed and these feel like a violation.
The critical mistake that women are making is actually knowing that they feel like sh*t and actually often knowing why, then bemoaning the fact that the person has acted in a certain way (crossed their boundaries), and then doing nothing.
It is time to ask yourself what your boundaries are and if you don’t have any, you’d better come up with some! Need a place to start – look at all your past relationships and what didn’t work (trust me – they didn’t work) and start defining what you are not prepared to put up with. Write it down and pin it up and acclimatise yourself to a new outlook of self respectability and higher self-esteem.
Steer clear of superficial stuff and establish some values because you know what? If you have no boundaries, you don’t believe you bring enough to the table to reject someone’s behaviour. Let your boundaries and awareness of red flags act as your guiding light to getting to know that you that gets involved in relationships and use them to build your confidence.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I liked what you had to say Arulesgirls2theend I too did not have the guts to just wipe him out..( I admire anyone who does and doesn’t look back) I am phasing him out and seeing that life goes on regardless.. It has been the only way I could do it because the truth is hard to swallow sometimes…
Arulesgirls, no, I am not with him anymore, I am talking past tense.
Yes, I agree, of course none of us is perfect, people will get “there” at their own pace as lon g as they get “there”..
Tulipa, no, you are not phasing him out, you are not moving on, you are watching his actions and act based on what he does or doesn’t do, plain and simple. Like I told you on a different post, you are fooling yourself.
will have a long think about what you said Astelle..
Annied,
Boundaries are a learned attribute, especially if you haven’t had any.
I know, I didn’t either until approximately 2 months ago, when I started counseling with what I now call my Life Coach.
When I was initially asked what my boundaries were, I could only come up with three and they weren’t relevant one iota as to what was acceptable or not acceptable in the get go, I didn’t know. Sad but true.
2 months later, I am finally getting it all by looking back into my personal past, by looking at all of my past relationships and what was the common theme between them, comparing them and seeing Red Flags now that I should have known years ago but only realize now.
I have written these down and they are starting to comprise my list of boundaries, what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior, what feels good and what doesn’t.
This is an ongoing process and I am still learning about myself, when to jump ship and not expend my energy on an assclown, EUM, narcissitic jerk, or any combination of these.
By setting boundaries (your Red Flags that don’t feel good from the get go) will interfere with your emotional attachment to someone before it’s too late and you’re hooked, in my opinion, I see that now.
Read NML’s book, read the post on “How to Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men” and “Recognizing Things About Yourself In the Men You Profess to Love”, then think about whether any of this strikes a cord with you.
This would be a good place to start….Gail
Here’s the piece that I think I am finally getting into my head from reading NML’s site, and viewing the posts.
When my relationship started with my EUM I did have boundaries, I confronted him on them and was strong. Or so I thought. That was in the beginning, but somewhere over time (2 yrs later) he just kept being the person he was, an EUM, and his behavior did not change. But I was the one who kept changing for him, and over time my self-esteem dwindled to almost nothing. I was an insecure, unhappy person, and I craved his attention but yet when I got his attn I would feel worse than I had before getting any of his attn.
So the point here, which is the substantial piece in all this is: Set your boundaries, let the other person know about them, call them out if needed and make them clear. Then by all means stick to them, enforce them within yourself, and if the person violates them again, take the appropriate steps to keep yourself safe. Don’t let these EUM’s continue to manipulate, intimidate, lie, make up excuses, etc. If you mean what you say (re: boundaries) then act upon it, because we all know actions speak louder than words. Don’t give them 20 chances to change, don’t accept crumbs, and don’t try to change the EUM.
I spent 2 yrs trying to be something my EUM wanted, but it didn’t change the relationship, or him. It changed me, it made me someone of whom I wasn’t too proud of, instead of holding my head high and feeling good about who I am. I looked down on myself and isolated myself from the real people who cared about me.
Thanks Gail … I’ve been posting here for a while now and when I do read I get it – I see it – I know this relationship is all wrong for me. Then I do what Betterwithouthim does … I go back to molding myself into what he wants me to be. I have done nothing but compromise, take crumbs and feel sad for over 2 years. He has not changed at all. He stands by what he originally said to me – that this will never be what I want.
aamof, just last week he was on the verge of ending it (again) He had nothing positive to say about us being together. He said we werent supposed to be together, it was wrong, it was unfair to me b/c he could never give me what I wanted from him – all I wanted was for him to love me back. He told me i deserved better … so when I said, well, if i deserve better, I guess this is over. then he comes back with – but I dont want to lose you – let’s calm down and I will think this over … so i waited. I did not sleep for a week
– and you know what? he never mentioned it again. just kept on like nothing had happened. Meanwhile, wht am I doing? Nothing. I’m still where I always was – nowhere. well, this weekend i think I put the final nail in the coffin. I had a complaint – and that usually leads to a break-up. I wont even get into what it was b/c it was trivial, but it was me “demanding” attention and he just cannot handle it. soo, now he’s not speaking to me. Our main form of communication was IMing thruout the day – he hasnt been back on since he signed off on me Friday.
My usual approach would be to ask him what was going on – then it gives him the opportunity to let me go. I dont want to do that this time. I want to be stronger than that. I’m not strong enough to end it myself, so I guess I’ll be quiet until he does it. I know I should not be upset or sad, or even suprised that this is over, but I am. I find it so hard to wrap my brain around a 40-something yo woman beating herself up over something that is obviously so wrong. How did I let myself get this low? Eh, sorry this got so long. I had to tell somebody and I know you all will understand and not judge me as being weak. Thanks for listening.
Oh geeeze you just described my relationship with my EUM. You will find the strength to end this when the pain is just too much to take anymore.
I got to the point where I could not bear to wait for one more unanswered text or one more phone call that comes on his terms, or one more email that does not come till he was ready to respond. I could not take the pain any more thats where I found my strength in not being able to handle any more stress and pain. Find it girlfriend! This guy is eating the best part of you up. I too am in my 40′s life is getting very short.
The pain is what keeps me in NC I could not bear to respond to a text only to not have it returned. I could not write an email only for him to treat me with NC. Now I have the upper hand for once I am in control and he will go to the grave without me in his life.
Annied,
I am sorry, I must of misunderstood your question at the end of your post…Gail
Hey Gail, no you gave me good advice. I am just still boundary-less, or at least that is how i feel right now. I want to be strong and draw the line like he has – I have done it before, but i eventually let him walk right through.
Annied- My heart is breaking for you, I wish you could see how much more you deserve for yourself, and in a relationship with someone who is available. I’ve been where you are at, but you have to start somewhere, get some strength and some courage and follow the NCR. You don’t need this EUM, he is using you – let him go – let him go!
Rachel, NC wasn’t hard for me end of 2007, I was not giving him a chance anymore to ignore me or respond when HE wanted or when HE needed something. I just went POOF…
Yes, you have the upper hand, stick with NC, you will be fine.
I used to think that when you love there shouldn’t be any boundaries but then again in the process I tend to loose myself and I felt like wasn’t the way I used to be that’s the sad part. I learned a lot from my own experience and still learning a lot with the people I’m currently dating. I’m just now not forgetting to set the boundaries.
I need advice today. If you saw my post above, I predicted that the EUM i’ve seen for over 2 years would dump me. He did, via email. I dont know if I am more sad or angry right now. What I want to know is – what now? I work with this assclown. Do I just go silent and leave him alone? Ignore him completely? Everyone knows in the office that we’ve been dating a long time. Part of me wants to crawl under a rock and die and part of me wants to beat the crap out of him. help.
Annied,
Honey, rise above this…. with grace and dignity. Be DONE with this ass. No scene, no confrontation, just look right through him if you have to look at him and never in the eye. Stand taller, tell your self that you have confidence to rise above. Know that you are done with this ass, don’t talk to anyone at work about it, be really really nice to everyone. Its all going to be ok take a deep breath and know that you deserve so much better than an idiot who would treat you so shabbily. The best revenge is living better, looking better, smiling more, and letting your inner beauty shine through which will be much easier without him dragging you down on an emotional roller coaster. Pull yourself together and be the queen. You are going to be ok.
One last piece of advice in my opinion would be to ,,, when asked by people at work who know you both what happened… woule be to kindly say we just decided to not see each other any more. If they press you for more details you can just say “It does not work for either of us anymore for a number of reasons” and that you could go on and on about that you would just like to not discuss it at this point. Then let him trash you if he wants but it will come back to haunt him, personally and professionally I promise you! People will respect you so much more for not trashing him even though he is trash. Keep a secret smile on your face as if this is the best thing that ever happened to you… because it probably is.
annied, breaking off with a coworker is always messy. You cannot explain to anyone about your anger and hurt – it will cost you in your work with others. You have to go silent on the topic of your past relationship.
With the bozo you need to be polite and “business professional” – and make yourself one *clear* boundary about no personal or intimate stuff at work. I would be willing to bet a donut that some colleague of friend of his will make a play for you – just in case he gets lucky and picks you up on the rebound. Over time the dust will settle, and if you are consistent, professional, polite, and discreet – it will mostly blow over.
And, in time, it may even get more comfortable.
Remember that “friends” and “competition” tend to trade places in the office. Don’t feel it is OK to tell anyone off. “That’s personal. Can we get back to the topic?” and “No” work well.
Thanks everyone for your feedback. Brad, I think I’m going to have to stick to “No”, like you said and act like Rachel said and look right through him. The pattern with this guy is to break up with me, let me stew and stay away for about a month and then come creeping back in with the friend card. I honestly believe that if I try professional and curteous, he is going to try to weasle in quicker.
I’m not talking smack about him at work. I’m just acting how I usually do (folks will notice without me saying a word) But with him … he could be a ghost for all I care. For my sanity, I feel like I have to pretend he doesnt exist.
I cant tell you how many, many times he’s ended it and I thought it was really over for him – only to have him come back and pretend that he didnt say things that killed me (like, really annie, i need to be looking for someone to marry). This time feels the most painful yet and I think it’s because I know it is really over … for me.
I never completely closed the door – always hoped that he would see value in me and come back. He did come back – but it was because he missed me and was lonely, NOT because he realized he wanted me for real. This time feels different. This time hurts more. I hope it’s because I am finally done, have closed the door and will move on without him in my life. You all are such a great help to me. Thank you.
Hi Annied,
I feel for you. What a nightmare to have to work with him every day. I was once involved with an ass at work as well infact he was my boss and I fell really hard for him. He ended up getting promoted to another department and started a relationship with another woman who was more his “equal” in the organization. I got to watch their entire relationship develop it was the most PAINFUL thing I have ever experienced. I ended up changing jobs to get away from the whole nightmare. He eventually married this woman now years later… but he still thows out bait to me probably once a month to see if I still think about him. What a DICK !