From The Other Woman to Happiness
April 3, 2007 by NML
If someone had suggested that I would ever be The Other Woman (TOW), I would have laughed them out of town and told them to F off, but somehow I found myself taking up the role with gusto for 18 months. It was without a doubt the most foolish, damaging thing that I have ever done to myself. I started out as an independent, single twenty-something who had broken up with her ex and was looking for no strings fun, and somehow shelved that to become a snivelling, insecure, emotional yo-yo that harped on with my stock phrase of “So when are you leaving her?”
Looking back, I realise how ridiculous a lot of my logic was about my ’situation’ (God I hate that word) but hindsight does give you 20:20 vision. I was the TOW to a guy who wasn’t even married! He had a girlfriend….who he’d only been together with for a few months….and she needed him…and bla, bla, bla. Despite starting out as fun, it was a matter of months before I had declared love and making him mine became my focus. It didn’t take long before I acknowledged that being a TOW meant being perpetually disappointed, increasingly frustrated, miserable and very much second best. These men are very good at making you feel like they are giving you the earth, when in fact they’re giving you a spade full of dried up soil. I got sucked into the declarations of love, the rationalising of his situation and the assumption that he clearly wasn’t happy and that I was giving him what he needed.
The reality is that a man doesn’t need to be unhappy with his relationship to cheat. If he is cheating inclined, he’ll cheat whether the going is good or bad. It’s not about her, it’s about him. They’re selfish, self-involved twats. He didn’t even see himself as a cheat and like many of these men, he could very comfortably have lived his double life for as long as I would let him.
Rationalising what was happening, ignoring how the situation made me feel and leading a double life took its toll on my health. He ruined countless social occasions with his jealousy and possessiveness because despite being spineless and lacking in enough balls to make a choice, he couldn’t cope with the idea of a man talking to me. Every guy was trying to get into my pants, according to him. We would spend time together but I was always wondering whether things were ever going to change, and the temporary of high of being with him would quickly be replaced with the anxiety that accompanies the role of TOW.
It would take an age to tell every single story of every disappointment, but the turning point came when I had a panic attack. He’d been whining about men being interested in me and pressurising me about our ‘situation’ and suddenly I couldn’t breathe and was sitting in a doorway in the middle of London trying to pull myself together. It was one of the most awful things to happen to me and his way to deal with it was to escort me to the tube, put me on it, and go home to his girlfriend as he was too afraid to make sure I got home in one piece…
It took 3 weeks to get feel my normal self again and several more before I finally managed to get through to him and dump him. It was agony but mostly because I’d become such an emotional wreck that I was battling with insecurities and doubts about what I had done. But beneath it all was a growing relief. Whilst I went out with more assclowns than I care to remember, I know that it a coincidence that I had bad taste in men, and that the heart of the problem was me. I had really unhealthy love habits and I very misguided notions about love which were able to take grip when combined with my low self-esteem.
It was so hard to let go of him but what kept me focused was putting myself first. He put himself first and then his girlfriend and if I couldn’t prioritise myself, who would? I started to take care of myself and found the self love that had been clearly lacking within myself. I spent more time on my own but also started to put my life back together. It became a relief not to have to wait for his calls, emails, texts and arrangements and I started to look back at the past more objectively and be truthful with myself about exactly how awful I had really felt. I hated the dishonesty. I hated the rollercoaster of the emotions and I hated how I felt about myself during that time when I was with him. I didn’t need to be questioning what was wrong with me or what was so great with her and I no longer needed or wanted his validation.
It was strange because once I started being more real with myself, I looked at him completely differently and saw him and his actions for what they were. The rose coloured glasses were removed and I realised that the more connected me had no interest in a man like him. He wasn’t some poor guy in an unfortunate situation – he was a spineless, manipulative excuse of a man that had rationalised what he was doing so that he got to think that he was the good guy. He felt no responsibility for anything and no matter what he said, he didn’t love me ENOUGH and never could. Love would have made him behave with honesty and integrity, not drag it out for 18 months whilst coasting in the comfort zone. His situation wasn’t different – he was exactly the same as any man that cheats and has a story to justify their behaviour. They ALL sing the same tune, just with different tones.
After ending it, I went on to be involved with a couple of Mr Unavailable’s (emotionally unavailable men) but instead of putting myself through the torture, I found that the steadily gathering self love meant that I wasn’t prepared to put up with their antics and I ditched them. I just wasn’t that desperate to be in a relationship or to be ‘loved’. I realised that I had very destructive love habits through being real with myself and I confronted them head on so that I could move forward.
My health improved, life was great and I had a good relationship with myself. I recognised where I’d been and I vowed to be true to myself and stay clear of assclowns. I became very good at spotting them and three days after ditching the last assclown and thinking that I was in the dating saddle for the long haul, I met my boyfriend. It was a totally different experience to any relationship I’d ever had and the beauty was that I was personally happy when I met him, which meant that I embraced the potential of what we had. I carry some battle scars from the past, but my self-awareness is so heightened now that rather than the insecure, misguided voices that I used to hear, I have a more positive voice telling me to get a grip. I’m having our first child next month (touch wood) and I can truly say that I have never been happier. Not just because I met him, but because I met myself beforehand.
Life doesn’t start when a guy comes blazing in on his white horse and whisks you away to happy ever after. Life, I’ve learnt, is what you make it, and it’s as good as you want it to be. When I knew what I wanted from my life, there was no room for a guy that was lacking the balls to even make the decision to be with me. Fact is, the woman has bigger balls than the cheating man, she just needs to learn how to use them to get wise and walk away!
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more
Also read How to Cope with Being The Other Woman and Breaking Up with and Getting Over a Married Man
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Thank you, helped a lot.
wow…what a read! thanks!!!
i cried when i read this. Thanks, I need to see the light too.
I’ve been through the same of what you’ve gone through and much more, with a married man. Your story helped me to make up my mind more that I’ve done the best for myself in letting go. Thanks.
I’ve just read your post and what a read it was! Right as we speak i’m ignoring all calls and texts from my mm. I’ve had enough now, sick of being last on his list of things to do (ha ha). I don’t feel great right now but reading your post has gave me a kick up the arse cos’ i was starting to weaken. Not anymore. So thank-you very much. Hope everything goes well with the birth x
Hi all,
If you’ve been posting on the how to cope with being the other woman page thats crashed, does everyone know about the discussion board thats now up and running thanks to NML
Take a look…..
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php
Hi Everyone
THANK YOU ,THANK YOU for this great article I just read it What a releif I was sitting in the park like an idiot trying to make sense of my behaviour ,my feeling towards this shity situation I have put myself in and how on earth I am going to get myself out of this shit hole I am in now I was ever so confused with the right,and the wrong why, and how …..I was so dessprate one hour ago could not figure out how on earth I could find anything to motivate me to get me going with my life as I am blessed with so many things which I am anable to appreciate it because of my depression as I have dumped my bloody MM 18 days ago at the begining I was doing well and strong but somehow I have sometime my heart ache and I want to pick up the phone to call but again I couldnt do it it means I will have to go back to square one (A KNIFE WITH 2 EDGES ) I was so so blinded by my unhappiness thinking what on earth is happining please god dont let me disspair like this .
I came home got on line and read this particular article which has put my thoughts and mind in order I couldn t put all this ideas in that order it was infront of me but they were not clear . This article managed to clarify my vision I AM GOING TO PRINT IT OUT AND SPREAD IT AROUND MY HOUSE TO KEEP READING IT TO REMIND MYSELF OF MY SELF WORTH AND VALUE .
WOW YOU WERE LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDERS BLESS YOUR HEART .
Hugs
Fortuna
YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN…. we use to beat ourselves up thinking that we aren’t worthy, because we fell victim to these parasites of men..I am so glad that women like you have the courage to tell your other sisters in heartache the WHY”S as to this happening. It isn’t because they are so dang charming, like you said, when you take the glasses off.. they are really are “assclowns”.. gee I so love that! They are pathetic because they can’t truly carry on a “real” relationship.. they have to suck the life out of us, and we foolishly let them. Yes our self esteem is in the toilet, and it is high time we stood up for ourselves. I am kicking myself because I wasted a precious year of my life waiting. Mine wasn’t married, he “assclowness” (ex wife) dumped him, but he couldn’t let go, so might as well have been married. But I too decided to reread and get a dose of the “ain’t gonna go there again’s”, because he has reared his head again with me.. I am fighting back, not returning any messages, and he can go lick his damn wounds somewhere else.
Again THANK YOU..I too, am printing and rereading.. misery loves company, and we are all “enlightened” by others.
Blessings
Elly
Hi Elly,
Glad you share my view it has been almost a month since I broke up with shit face MM BELEIVE me the more days passes by the stronger I get today I am so in control of my feelings I will not lie to you sometimes I look back and remember the good time but in my case the bad feelings the pain was over taking the bloody good time so I try the self help to boost my self esteem the more I use this method the stronger I get I am not going to take anymore shit from anybody I decided to be kind to myself first and again decided to be kinder to myself second and third so there . I would like to share this method with you and everyone I use selfhypnotherapy on me to chage the set up of my mind and I know I have managed to be stronger the reason I am saying that is I knew I was in the relationship with a wrong person but somehow I didnot haver the courage to end it I think of the issues I have in my personality I managed to sit back and look at my previous relationship and behaviour in my case I had a pattern I was falling into so that’s why I was attracting the wrong bloody TOM , DICK and HARRY and lately the MARRIED DICK so there I used to boost my self esteem programme first after ten days of using it daily I added the assertiveness programme plus the accept yourself programme I promise you it works magic for me it opened my eyes about me TODAY I feel so great I admit I melt when I hear the voice of MMbut again this voice reminds me of the bad time as well and I will NEVER go back to this dark place again I found my balance I do not want to loos it again IMMAGINE YOU ARE ON YOUR BIKE YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO LOOK BACK OTHERWISE YOU LOOSE YOUR BALANCE and this is the way I visulise this particular life experience I hope it has made me stronger by the day, what I know when I was in that shit I use to tell my sister, the day I am emmotionally free from that rollercoaster it means I have my freedom back beleive me this is how I felt then and I promissed myself to maintain my peace and not let any man take it from me after all I allowed him to do that.
I must admit it was not easy but somehow this site has helped me great deal when you know you are not alone and there is always people in the same situation as we are .
SO SISTERS IF I MANAGE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF AND TELL MM WHAT I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM LONG TIME AGO YOU CAN SO GO FOR IT GIRLS
BEST OF LUCK
FORTUNA
PS : If you want to know the hypnosite I got my programme from you could send me a private message as i am a member . I think it is not allowed to mention something like this on the site
Fortuna:
Can I ask what made you decide to finally break it off for good? Any certain action or something he did one day that just made you open your eyes and say “hey I don’t have to fucking put up with this anymore?!”
Great for you girl. I am so proud of you for being so strong and coming to this realization and being able to stay MM FREE! You are stronger that most of us at this time and I know should I ever decided to leave my MM, you will come in very handy to me
I am just curious. And also how did he treat you for the most part? Cause my MM is the best man I have ever been with, seriously, I have never been with a man who has treated me like a princess the way my MM does, or loved me the most passionate way he does, granted I get pissed and hurt atleast weekly, it is never something that he did directly. It is always stemming from him having to either pick up his child unexpectedly or his wife needs him home so that she can go out and needs a babysitter, but HE has never been mean or treated me badly. I am just wondering what happened between you and your MM to make you finally up and leave his ass.
Hi Fortuna,
WONDERFUL!!!!!!!! I am so proud of you. See how much you have to offer???? You have been worthy the entire time, you just got caught up in the fog for a bit, lol. From pain comes strength. We are always here, always hoping, and always ready to listen. The next available man who gets you, is going to see the gem that you are! Keep the faith!
(((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))
Chasing
i was an unwitting TOW. i didn’t know he was married until he broke down and told me. he said he was in an unhappy marriage and he didn’t know he’d fall as much as he did for me. he was supposed to contact me mid-june and now it’s mid-july with absolute silence from him. it’s over. at least, i think, it’s the safest and the sanest assumption to make.
i needed to read this (and the rest of the posts about being a TOW). i needed to read something to help me start healing. because i really did fall. there was so much emotional investment from me, and i was really seeing a future. but i guess, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
thanks for this.
Evie,
Hang in there girl, not sure from your post, WHY he was suppose to contact you after his confessional, BUT if it was that “I am going to make a decision” type things… well, sorry but you got your answer.
For some reason, men like this, just KNOW when they pick us to be the other woman, that we will allow it.. call it a second sense don’t know.. but something draws them to us likes moths to a flame… It is probably because we are charming, loving, and project that image, not to mention we have a kind heart that is desperate for love.
Rule # 1 for us is LEARN TO LOVE YOUR SELF MOOOOOORE!
It is hard, I struggle daily, but I am bound and determined to make myself healthy. My suggestion is to read two books by Steven Carter and Julia Sokal, “Men who can’t love” and “He’s scared, She’s scared”… I hope that you try to read these, they helped me realize that it wasnt ME that was the problem, I didn’t break him, and I can’t fix him……though there are lots of “tissues” (issues) that I do have, but I need to address them, not look for him to fix me.
please if you are like me and can’t afford a therapist, READ READ READ… knowledge is POWER and we need all the resources available to fight off these charming, egotistical, self centered, ASSCLOWNS!
Blessings to you my sister in heartache!.. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Remember, you are too blessed to be stressed, to annoited to be disappointed!
Hang in there
Elly
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