One of the things I learned about dating is that in order to survive, you need to be able to smell the BS coming from a mile away otherwise assclowns a plenty will suck up your time, reduce your self-esteem, and end up making you believe that dating is for suckers. One of the classic BS lines is when a guy tells you by way of reassurance that he’s not seeing/dating/sleeping with anybody else.
Now this should be good news….or is it?
The only time when this is good news is when he really isn’t with someone else but he is actually in a bonafide committed relationship with you, or is making a concerted effort to date you and move things forward. If either of these things are absent, it is likely that you will take the information, swallow it whole, and live under the misguided assumption that if he’s not with anyone else, then he must be with you.
This is the trouble when we oversimplify things – we are so eager to hear something, anything positive, that it doesn’t occur to us to examine this piece of information further.
The reality is that these words don’t mean anything if you are already living in inaction with him. He is telling you this to pacify you, reassure you, shut you up, and most importantly get you off his back so that you don’t question his lack of input into the relationship.
“I’m here aren’t I?” [Yes but I actually don’t know when I’ll see you next]
“I’m with you aren’t I?” [Are you? It sure as hell doesn’t feel like it with these crumbs you’re throwing me…]
“I stayed over with you last night, didn’t I?” [Yes because I made you/because you had nothing better to do]
“Didn’t we spend last week together?” [Yes but I’d hardly seen you for the previous month!]
This all equates to him Buying Time. Say it with me – He’s Buying Time!
If you know that he’s not actually giving you the relationship that you want then these words don’t mean a thing! The fact that he’s saying this to you in the first place should get your spidey senses on high alert anyway!
What he is actually saying to you is that he’s not seeing anybody else, he is spending time with you, but that doesn’t actually mean that he’s committed to you. If you pushed the issue further and asked if this means that you’re in a committed relationship, he’d probably cack his pants or dodge the question…
When men say this they are playing to your ego and insecurity. They think that all we really want to know is that they’re not screwing someone else and that as long as we know this nugget of information, we’ll stay invested.
Don’t make the mistake of being literal or taking BS statements at face value. It’s not about turning interrogator or acting suspicious all the time (although some of us could benefit from this….) but it is about recognising when someone is telling you something that is in conflict with the reality of how you feel and the reality of what you know that you’re actually experiencing.
Ladies, we are too quick to let words pacify us or cloud our judgement. Be true to what you know and don’t act like you’re happier than you actually feel because after a while you’ll no longer be in tune with who you really are and what you feel and you’re likely to feel resentful.
It is very easy to take a basic BS statement like this and find yourself suckered into the emotional wasteland that is being involved with a Mr Unavailable. Don’t allow people to tell you that black is white and white is black. He may not be seeing anybody else, but is he actually with you?
Want to know more about emotionally unavailable men? My new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more.
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8 responses so far ↓
1 Karen // Mar 3, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I really love this blog. I am on day 12 of no contact with the EUM that I was with for 2 years. Reading these posts and comments daily gives me the strength to keep up with the no contact. This in particular was a favorite saying with my EUM. He made it clear he was not with any other women. I have to admit, it was one of the reasons that I stayed so long. I never worried about him cheating, it was one of the “positives” to the relationship. But the fact was, he wasn’t with me either. I saw him 2 or 3 times a month. At the most 4 times a month. He kept promising that someday he would have more time for me, but he never did. For a long time he texted, called or e mailed daily, but lately that had stopped doing that as much. I was getting so lonely. What is the point of having a significant other that doesn’t cheat if you are alone almost all of the time anyway? I realized that sooner or later I was going to be the one to cheat out of loneliness and that is not who I am, so I ended it.
2 cheekie // Mar 3, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Amen lady, amen!
My ex (of 5 yrs-duh for me) used to say this frequently.
“I’m with you aren’t I?”
pffft. Physically yes, emotionally and mentally? He wasn’t even with himself…let alone me!
Another good one.
Don’t ignore your spidey senses ladies, don’t freak out at him, but be sure to let him know.
And don’t let it build up, ask as soon as you feel that gut react. In the calmest, most confident way possible. Trust me, NML is so right about this one.
3 Brad K. // Mar 3, 2008 at 10:19 pm
The part that makes relationships work, I think, as opposed to recognizing when he is playing you for an easy date, is a combination of things. First, other than the relationship, is he truthful and honest, with no shadings or slyness or deceit toward anyone, friend, family, or other. If you can trust his word, then continued trusting is probably the right thing to do.
But.
“I am with you, aren’t I?” is not the same phrase as “You bring such joy to our home!” That is, he is defensive - you *already* know something is wrong. At this point your goals may not match (one of you might think the relationship is just casual) either from the start, or one of you has changed their goals. Or the relationship has gotten past the point that one or the other of you doesn’t know what to do next, or doesn’t care what comes next, or isn’t capable of proceeding (EUM or involved with someone else).
So I have to agree wholeheartedly. If you hear the words “But I am with you, aren’t I?” he is weaseling around. Even if his intent is to make up an argument, his approach sucks pond water. He thinks it is about sex, and he wants to reassure you he isn’t (regularly) having sexual intercourse with - one particular? any? - other female. The *first* problem is that for a relationship to exist, he should have been concerned to reassure you his affection, his trust, his respect, and his desire are all present, strong, and centered on you. Especially look for where his trust and respect show - these may be the important aspects. The *second* problem, of course, is the Bill Clinton definition of cheating - We Only Did it Once, It Wasn’t Intercourse, I Didn’t Love Her, etc. Weasel words that deny everything that fidelity, honesty, and respect bring to a relationship.
And, really, I would want to be dead certain sure that each of you agree that cheating includes any inappropriate touching, sexual contact, conversation, time spent alone with someone else, or anything else that feels intimate with someone else. If he is telling his problems to another woman he is cheating - that is time and intimacy he need to be sharing with you. Intercourse, oral sex and other shadings of sex be damned - that is cheating. And vice versa.
Karen, luck to you.
4 JohnofScribbleSheet // Mar 4, 2008 at 8:12 pm
A always, an interesting read.
5 virgo princess // Mar 5, 2008 at 2:24 am
Brad K. you’re killing me with the Dr. Phil talk; are you trying to trump NML; this is her blog; not yours!
Just kidding! (but not really)
6 lisaq // Mar 5, 2008 at 12:34 pm
wow! great post! this is definitely something to think about and, to be honest, something i hadn’t even considered which really is kind of stupid considering i’ve heard that crap about a bagillion times…
7 Elsie // Mar 7, 2008 at 8:07 am
Truer words were never spoken. It amazes me how these guys seem to pop off an assembly line preloaded with the same phrases:
“I’m with you, aren’t I?”
“You’re the only one I’m sleeping with.”
It’s 100% true, folks. These guys aren’t in a relationship with you, they’re waiting for someone they consider better to come along.
8 Tulipa // Mar 29, 2008 at 12:11 am
Wow can I see myself in this post, always hearing the phrase you will be the third to know if I have sex with someone else.. even though I have heard and remained quiet about him kissing an ex girlfriend the reason why because he told me quite clearly that I wasn’t his girlfriend … I haven’t let this relationship go yet but I’m getting close . I just read the question ‘ well what benefits are you getting out of the relationship ?’ and obviously its something otherwise like any other self respecting lady I would be gone leaving the man in no doubt of his emotional immaturity …
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