I regularly hear from people who are in the rather uncomfortable and ambiguous position of having an ex that they still love (or think they do), claim that they miss them and/or that they wish they could be together. However these ex’s are not leaving their current partner or are unprepared to address the concerns that lead to the demise of the relationship. In some instances, these ex’s are claiming to miss but are not making any moves or suggestions towards getting back together.
If you’re experiencing this, what is likely to result is you becoming very heavily invested in the idea that this person wants/misses you, it’s just that they have an obstacle beyond yours and their control that is preventing you from being together.
The reality is somewhat altogether different: The obstacle isn’t whatever excuse they’ve given. The obstacle is them.
Someone can miss you but not actually want to get back together. They may think you’re great, claim to be crazy about you, or miss the things that ensured they got their needs met, but they don’t miss you that much. They like their life and even if you don’t ‘get’ it or think it’s ‘wrong’, their situation ‘works’ for them.
Someone can miss you but have enough awareness about their own capabilities to know that nothing would actually change if you were to get back together.
Someone can miss you because they get to avoid dealing with someone or something much closer to home that requires their attention. Dodging being emotionally available and of course being uncommitted through their actions.
Someone can miss you but it may not be for the reasons that you think. It may be for an ego stroke, shag, shoulder to lean on, money or whatever floats their boat. The point is that there is a disparity between your idea of what they miss you for and what they actually miss you for.
People who say they miss you but don’t back up the sentiment with real action are talking hot air and being non-committal. In particular, if this is how they were in the relationship, this ‘I miss you’ BS is just an extension of the all talk and little and no action issue.
The mistake that we often make is assuming that they miss us or that they want to get back together because:
1) They’ve got in touch
2) They’re looking for a shag
3) They’re moaning about their ex
4) They’re looking for an ego stroke
5) They’re poking around in our business
6) They’re not wanting us to move on because they like having us as an option and backup plan
7) They’re asking dumb hypothetical questions about what we would do if they were able to be available (only to swiftly follow it up about how they can’t do anything at the moment but ‘might’ in the future)
Ultimately, what this headwrecking boils down to is this:
If someone misses you that much, they will handle their situation to enable them to be with you. Period. Anything else is talking doo doo.
Think about it logically: Let’s imagine you hear from someone over the course of a few months to a year or even more. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. We were so good together. They don’t get me like you do. I can’t talk to them like I do with you. If only I could be with you. Blah blah blah blah blah.
Here is the question: Why, if you miss me so much, are you ensuring that you stay in a position of missing me but never actually doing anything about it while you continue on with your merry little life or even your merry little relationship, while muggins here, yes that would be me, puts my life on hold on the possibility that you might actually do something about it one day?
If you are not in reality about who you were involved with and the reasons for the breakup and are still looking for validation such as wanting them to crawl back on their proverbial hands and knees and say how crazy they were to leave you to be with someone else or whatever it was, you will be receptive to your ex’s bleating.
What’s not being acknowledged here is that You.Broke.Up! You are a valuable individual entity – the least they can do is miss you but stop giving them the entitlement of enjoying so much access to you.
What’s all the more galling is the chief offenders of this type of behaviour are often involved with other people. It doesn’t matter what you think of that person – it’s disrespectful to a current relationship for your ex to creep around telling you they miss you.
For you, the eager beaver listener, keep your ego and your boundaries in check. It may feel like sweet retribution that they ‘appear’ to be coming back and that you seemingly have the upper hand, but you’re still losing.
You need more than an ego stroke and empty promises and they are moving on with their life while using you as an emotional airbag to cushion the transition and a very comfortable fallback position should things ever not work out.
Surely you are worth being more than someone’s emotional airbag and their backup plan?
Put a golden boundary in place: Never allow someone to hang around in your life claiming they miss you while disrespecting another relationship. It doesn’t matter what their reasoning is – what they’ll do to others, they’ll very comfortably do to you. Don’t bother taking the high road of ‘Well they were mine first’ because you open yourself up into petty reasoning. That and unless you fell out the sky into 2011 and they have no prior history before you, someone else could easily come along and have that same attitude.
The more you listen, the more you build sandcastles in the sky, is the greater the illusionary relationship that you end up creating. You end up being suspended in No Man’s Land and basically, you’re not moving on.
Do you know what’s so horrible about this situation? The more airtime you give it, when it all goes tits up and you finally accept that the relationship is over, you will often grieve the loss of the relationship far harder because now you have to factor in the the reality that you have put your life on hold since the breakup and prevented yourself from getting a life. Without them.
And, no matter how annoying and even manipulative your ex’s behaviour may be, if you put your life on hold and that includes in the physical day-to-day and the emotional, the buck flatly stops with you.
You have a responsibility to yourself to assess the risk and act in your best interests, even if the reality of something involves making uncomfortable decisions. Yes they should be aware that they’re playing around with your time, energy and emotions, but actually, you should be even more aware of it.
You have always had the option to pay attention, stack up the information, and opt out.
You might say ‘Oh well I was afraid if I didn’t give them attention that they might think I wasn’t interested/wouldn’t leave their partner’ – that’s not a basis for this. If them stepping up to the plate is dependent on you putting your life on hold and not acting with love, care, trust, and respect for yourself, this whole thing is doomed anyway. If they can only leave their partner if they have someone on ice, the relationship is also doomed.
When someone tells you they miss you whether they’re with someone or not and you’re edging into thinking about getting back together with them, slow your roll and say:
You know what? I miss you too but let’s not have this conversation unless you’re prepared to convert that sentiment into action and get back together.
Or the not so polite version: Come back when you’ve got your shit together/are not creeping around behind their back.
And make sure when you miss them, that you miss the reality of them, not the illusion of what you thought they were or what they could become with a bit of twisting, prodding, and projecting.
And asking why they tell you they miss you is like asking ‘How long is a piece of string?’ It’s because they can. We’re not all responsible with words and they don’t always know how to articulate their emotions and desires because many people, and that would include you, assume that feeling out of control and wanting to get back in control equals missing someone. It doesn’t. It means wanting to control things you can’t control.
But I feel the biggest reason is fear of finality which is for them, not having you as an option anymore and for you, not being an option anymore. But remember, don’t sell yourself short. People who genuinely want to be with you don’t resist being with you. They need to stop missing you and be with you, or…jog on.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
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p.s on looks …
i think that the best way to look good is when you are taking care of yourself emotionally, romantically and even financially … along with good nutrition, water and exercise. because like the story of dorian gray, ALL of how you live, shows up in your looks. we all age … that’s what humans do. so accept it but look your best at any age by being a responsible person who always does the next right thing.
Well, I did it. I broke NC and sucked it and saw. I was working on my marriage and family lecture and ran across the song “We Belong Together”. It was our song and I sent it to him. He immediately responded and we talked yesterday and today. Before he called, I read this and the “Suck it and See” articles 100 times (I have them memorized). Yesterday’s conversation was so true to form. I miss you, I miss you, I love you, we were so good together blah, blah. It did feel good to hear him relate story after story about how much he thinks of me, misses me, and loves me. I related my own miss you and love you too stories. Every time he said it, I thought, then do something about it. Today’s conversation was the “Suck and See” experience and I slowed my roll. I kept turning the I miss you stories back to then do something about it. I asked how things were with his wife and if he was working on his marriage. “Maybe, I don’t know what I’m doing, things have been crappy for so long, I’m not around much” were his responses. I struck a balance between the polite and not so polite. It is so absolutely true. If he wanted to be with me hiking, listening to reggae, and bbqing, he would. He got the message that those things are no longer an option with me as long as he is married. Jog on. I sensed he was angling for the fall-back option and wasn’t much interested in discussing his wife. I was more interested in discussing his wife and marriage rather than being the fall-back other woman. I was even able to suggest that these phone calls were inappropriate. I felt a little crummy though since I broke NC. (He had apparently called on what would have been our 3rd anniversary but it was late, I was alseep, missed the call, and didn’t notice since it came from an “unknown number”, not his cell.)
I feel so oddly better and can’t figure out why. After we hung up, I went to the store bought my favorite beer (Bodingtons) which became our favorite beer, turned on my reggae (which became ours too) for the first time since he left in December, and I’m sitting in my backyard enjoying the sunshine, again. I may even fire up the grill. What happened? It feels like the fog has lifted a little bit. He needs to stop missing me or jog on with his crummy marriage. I hope this feeling lasts!
Sucked it a Saw…I miss you, I miss you but I’m not going to do anything to be with you. That should be a song! Lively up yourself, you don’t need a drag is a song and a good one.
I’m not that woman, the other woman and back on the NC wagon. Thank you Natalie for these articles and all the wonderful folks who have posted.
I was actually *cough* slightly misty eyed by the end of your comment. I’m just so relieved you have seen the light. The next time you feel nostalgic or even tempted to reach out to him, remember what you’ve learned this weekend. (((hugs))) enjoy your beer and reggae. It’s yours.
Thank you Natalie. For the first time since he left in December, it feels like my house is my house again and my things are my things. This weekend was a near miss though. They are so good with the fall-back thing and he is persistent. Persisent with needing a shoulder to lean on, fun times, and a shag, that is. I cannot believe how great you are at this stuff. The intense pain, darkness, and despair of going back to being the other woman and all your articles and all the posts kept my hands steady on the wheel. Oh yeah, and actually being gently honest was helpful too. Apparently, MM’s don’t like to talk much about their wife and marriage with an ex-mistress! The pain of being without him is tremedous. The pain of being the other woman is unspeakable. Thank you for giving us a place to heal. I’ll remember how good he is at getting his needs met at the expense of me.
“The pain of being without him is tremedous. The pain of being the other woman is unspeakable.”
I remember locking myself away for months and months. This turned into years. Years of crying, years of longing. Locked in pain.
I had my moment with him again last year and I am so grateful for it. Realising he is stuck, empty. He’s is half the man I met years ago. Sadness and his seeking moments of pleasure from our walks on the beach holding my hand, talking about the pier like it was “our” place. That coastline, in his city, is where his memories are and it made me sad that he carries that around with him.
But he made a choice to live his life in that manner – and I’m glad to be away from all his drama.
The pain subsides, the good memories are exactly that – good, when they come and the tears dry up and you realise that yes, you can have that again – but for all the right reasons. *hugs*
Grace and Leigh, thank you. It didn’t dawn on me that I could be experiencing “peace of mind” because of the last two years living with his drama and my pain. It helps to have the words to describe the calmness and quietness. I think I realized yesterday while talking to him how stuck and empty he is. He did the “our” thing to and it made me cringe instead of tingle like it used to. There is no “our”. It was a bit scary though because with one slip, I could have gone back down the rabbit hole and he would have been more than happy to jump in with me. Yikes.
You are right. He’s made his choice to live like that and I’m already glad to be away from the drama and his complaining. Christ, can the guy complain.
I went for a hike today and it felt good to realize it has been my hiking trail all along like the others were saying. Every day gets a little better, like you say. I realized today that I can have a real relationship (at some point way down the road after I’ve gotten my act together) and there is hope, finally. There was no hope while involved with a MM.
Good luck to you both too, and thank you for the encouragement. It sounds as though you both have made it out of the rabbit hole…congratulations. Today is a GOOD day, finally, and I’m looking forward to tomorrow, finally!
runnergirl
yes, sometimes you do have to see. after i cut off the last guy, he came back. i let him in cos i was feeling nostalgic and hoped that he would behave better ( ha ha, the naivety!). he was, in fact, even worse. so the second time i cut him off without any warning in a fit of anger and since then i have had complete peace of mind. of course, i wont do it again. once is enough!
Yeah, this is spot on//Miss you, but…This is was a familiar pattern for me for a while..Until I’ve changed my number and it turned out he didn’t miss me that much after all,.. talking about “lazy communication” and all..Thing is: if the guy really loves you he would be with you and wouldn’t need to miss you… Thanks Natalie soo much, I promise I’ll keep up with BS Diet, loovee your blog, helps a lot-)
To all girls: Be Strong and if in dilemma , go on with BS Diet
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