Beth asks “I ended things in mid-November after two months of dating an emotionally unavailable man. He pursued me ardently throughout the whole time we were together, lavished me with romance, talked about marriage, kids, moving in together, and couldn’t peel himself off of me each time we met. He finally told me he was in love with me, and I told him I felt the same, so I decided to see if he wanted to get a little more serious.
He said he couldn’t possibly be in a relationship right now because “I would hurt him first”. I soon came to realise I had a commitment-phobe on my hands. He then told me he had been dumped by his fiance 10 months earlier, and had very little faith in relationships.
I cut off all contact several weeks after we broke up, but since then, he has emailed me repeatedly and gone against my wishes. I read the first few emails, and he goes on and on about how madly in love with me he is, etc., tries to get me to be “just friends” with him, says his life sucks without me and needs to have me in his life in any way he possibly can. He’s basically obsessing and refuses to let go.
I continue deleting his messages and have blocked his email. Do you have any other suggestions for me? I don’t understand much about commitment phobia, but I did a little reading and it seems like it’s a very serious fear–I know it’s not my problem, but it could help me move on if I understood more about the nature of this phobia and what I can expect from someone in this mindset (so I can arm myself!). I thought he would leave me alone, but obviously I was wrong so any insight is appreciated.”
The thing you need to understand here is the commitment-phobe doesn’t commit to anything - so none of his behaviour is unusual in that context because he doesn’t stake himself on an outcome either way. Instead, he flip flaps and messes with other people’s lives and emotions…like yours.
Until the moment that you commit to what they’ve been suggesting, they’re happy because in their mind they haven’t committed to anything at that point. But if you actually believe what they’re asking and commit to their suggestions, this is where the problem arises because when you do this, it suggests that you expect, need, or want something from them which sets off their panic button. Suddenly you start hearing ridiculous excuses that weren’t around when they were wooing you…
Don’t get me wrong – being dumped by his fiance and feeling a bit ambivalent about relationships for a while is understandable – However, the entire two months you were both together, he had been dumped by his fiance then too and he wasn’t so devastated or off relationships that he didn’t pursue you or blow smoke up your bum telling you feelings and intentions that he had no intentions of delivering on.
You’re trapped in a game that you will lose at if you engage. Yes his commitment is a very real fear but to be solely focused on that issue would miss the point and having you seeing the trees instead of the wood – Obviously I can’t say how long he has had commitment issues and whether they have specifically arisen out of his breakup but the core problem here, aside from his lack of commitment is that he is not over his previous relationship, he has excess emotional baggage, doesn’t have both feet in the relationship, and may even still be emotionally attached to his ex.
Fundamental foundations for a relationship to progress is that whilst we all have a little baggage (of the hand baggage variety), you don’t start relationships when you’re emotionally unavailable, unwilling to commit, clearly have issues with relationships, and may still be emotionally tied to your ex. A sign that you’re ready to be in a new relationship is when you’re not emotionally tied to your ex in either a romantic or negative way – you need to be over them, the relationship, and ready to move on.
To continue to engage with him would be like chucking your energy into the abyss. It would also be a sign if you try to fix, heal, and help him that you may have your own issues to deal with.
He’s not obsessed with you – he’s obsessed with the idea of not ‘losing’ again plus if anyone is going to do the rejecting here, it’s got to be him because his ego is too ‘fragile’ to accept that someone isn’t prepared to put up with his BS.
You let him back in your life on his terms and you’re essentially being demoted and he’s pulling a classic move where he blows hot, cries wolf, manages down your expectations and starts chasing you again to rebalance things, only this time you end up on lesser terms.
You can’t just slip slide from talking about marriage, kids, moving in together (maybe a little quick 2 months in although it is different strokes for different folks) to ‘let’s be friends’ territory – talk about a frickin’ anti climax!
A big sign of a man with poor intentions is one that talks big but proves to be all big talk and no action. Dodgy men do tend to be very quick out the gate to pursue and talk out their backsides and the OTTness is actually a red flag that no doubt gets proven when they pull the rug out for under your feet. Also these men don’t have any regard for anyone but themselves, so they disregard your wishes and make contact because their needs and desires always take precedence.
His problem existed before you, it exists now, and it is not your responsibility to solve his problems – it’s your responsibility to recognise the myriad of red flags here, enforce your boundaries and opt out, because you won’t be making a silk purse out of a pigs ear here…
You sound like you have good inner strength and the key here is to accept the truth of his actions, not of his words. The guy doesn’t know his arse from his elbow but like in a lot of these relationships, you don’t need him to explain anything now because you need to trust your instincts, process what he has done, and act upon it.
These men do run out of steam, especially when it becomes clear that 1) you have boundaries and 2) that to be involved with you they have to commit and that it can’t be on their terms. Where they don’t run out of steam is if you give any indication that you’re willing to let them marginalise you into a different position. Stick to your guns, don’t second guess yourself, and remind yourself that it’s better that you know now, and have the option to run.
Really, short of getting legal on him (which becomes necessary if it crosses into harassment), the key things here are to stick to no contact because that means you don’t engage, which means they run out of steam.
Your thoughts?
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Because we let them, and they don’t care. It’s not for us to wonder why they do it but to stay away from them. They are toxic!!!!
Yes you are making excuses for him: He only became addicted because his DR over prescribed: No he didnt have to take them, no-one forces you to use. All addicts swear they will change, alot of them know they are thinking outta whack with the rest of us. His behaviour is needy and very manipulative, in that he NEEDS you, to support him, make excuses to, because you are so understanding. Nothing wrong in seeing someones pain, or even understanding it, However, Get yourself onto an Narcotics Anon website, read about addiction they will even tell you, addicts must still be accountable for the treatment they dish out. NO EXCUSES, the more you give him, the more he will take, conciously or unconsciosly, it has to be tough love. Praying and not going to clubs is going through the motions of being clean, he’s not walking the walk, 12 steps all the way, there is no other way. Sorry Sorry Sorry, Im an addict I know please get going it doesnt matter if your dads his dads best friend, you are not accountable for this guy, look at his history, its waiting to be repeated this time your it!!! Him bleating on about Iknow this…I know that is manipulation, PROMISE, Ive done it!!! Go Go now honey. I know you love him, but whats there to love? he’s already hurt you. You’ll end up waiting for the next drama and OH joy theres gonna be plenty of them. Honey release him with love, and let him find his own way. xxxxxxx
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Gaynor,
You asked the question about why do these men profess love and feelings when they don’t need to and the man and woman can keep on having sex and dates without seriousness? I have wondered the same thing myself but the truth is; your inner core and messages that you have about yourself are subconsciously being communicated to this man; if we are emotionally unavailable that puts him into persuit mode on a subconscious level and he can’t help but feel drawn to an emotionally unavailable woman (doesn’t expect, need or want anything) … However, in my opinion the reason why we don’t demand any committment while we are having fun and sex with these men (dating casually) is because either A. we truly don’t want a committment, or B. Don’t think we deserve, or too scared to be honest in what we want because we think we will lose him. So, when woman hear from the man we are having fun with “I want to be with you, I love you, etc… etc… we buy into the B.S. that we truly wanted but were to scared to ask for, or demand while we are being intimate with this man… Then when we buy into the B.S. (because we essentially got into this relationship with low self-esteem, emotionally unavailablity = attracting like minded partner) The man gets thrown off his imbalance when we actually expect him to deliver on what he is telling us… because subconsciously when he is throwing out all the B.S. he knows that we don’t think we deserve what he is saying and that is why he is drawn to say it in the first place… it’s a dance of dysfunction and when you aren’t based on a solid foundation; nothing is going to match up on a healthy emotional level.
So why does he profess love; because he knows that you can’t offer it so he is drawn to the hot and cold aspect just as we are… when we are cold, he is hot, when we are hot, he is cold… it’s because two people aren’t ready or willing to be honest with themselves and eachother and attracted eachother because of that.
Gina,
Thanks for your response but I am still a bit confused.
There are a considerable amount of men that I have read about on the site that do not profess love to women and they are EUM’s. Why do the select few deem it necessary to to express their love for us, b/c as we know they can blow hot/cold w/o uttering these words?
This is in response to Gina–I didn’t feel low self-esteem, I just felt like I didn’t want to rush so I didn’t play the game with him in the beginning. I just stood back and let him lavish me, until I found out he wasn’t serious about anything he said or did a couple of months later and so I dumped him (that’s when he began to obsess over me/ cyber stalk).
I have one of those. It started out almost identically. I was 21 and he was 25 when we started dating. He was great at first; we discussed what we were looking for before we decided to get into a relationship and it lasted for about three months before he cut it off without warning. Two years later, we’ve dated a grand total of three times and he initiated both of them. I’ve tried to cut him off but he never seems to stay gone, but he can’t and won’t commit. He’d go to great lengths to get ahold of me though. It really bothered me until the last time we dated because I was honestly in love with the guy for quite a while. Unfortunately, love tends to blind us to certain things that may be rather important in deciding whether or not a relationship is worth having with someone. Turns out he’s an emotionally/mentally/verbally abusive jerk with violent tendencies. Sadly, many women tend to ignore the the latter until the former manifests itself.
I was naive… he was my first. Just a heads up: Don’t date a divorced guy unless they’ve been divorced for a very long time and you are 100% sure that they’re over the ex. Also, friends first is a good rule. We started out that way to an extent, but it didn’t stay that way for long. I met him through friends, but it turns out that the friends that introduced me to him and encouraged us to get together didn’t know him well at all, despite growing up around him. He basically used my social circle to get to me, and to this day he only associates with them if he wants to check up on me or reestablish contact.
Bottom line: Make sure you know who you’re dating. What you see initially may not be an accurate portrayal… they are trying to impress you.
I wish I’d known this ahead of time. It would have saved me alot of pain. That kind of experience can change you… and not necessarily in a good way.
Ever since I told this man I loved him he won’t talk to me. How embarrassing for me. I’m embarrassed because It took a lot for me to actually say it to him. whoops!
We conversed almost every day for a year via blogs or emails.
He responded to everything I said except I love you. Hmmm I guess he responded to that too…He ran! He even stopped blogging for a month. I think he really was just trying to promote his music now anyway. to whoever, maybe that was his game? Make women fall in love with him and then they’ll buy his cd? Oh well, I had to at least send him the 20 bucks for the Cd he gave me. Thanks a lot!
Now his new game is playing music for the ladies and dedicating the songs to them personally.
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