Well after about what feels like one hundred and fifty bleepin’ takes, I have finally uploaded my first video post. For some odd reason, You Tube seems have selected a frame that makes me look like I’m swearing…but anyway…
In my first video post, Jenny asks:
Does sexual preference or sexual activities between two people provide an indication of how Mr. unavailable cares for you or loves you? I dont wanna get into graphic or explicit details, but my Mr Unavailable likes to slap me, tie me, choke me…etc does that mean he does not see me as a person that he cares enough for or loves, to not wanna do that? If I were his girlfriend or wife, then he would never wanna do that to me right? And if I don’t mind him doing that to me, does it mean that i have some underlying issues i need to deal with? I kinda enjoy the pain a bit and i never stop him.
Check out the video for my reply…
I can’t emphasise enough, everything is contextual in relationships. It’s very easy to get trapped in the detail in the quest for answers, validation, and reasons to blame yourself and justify your continuing behaviour. Whilst the finer detail of being slapped, choked, and tied up is certainly important, the ‘relationship’ you get is indicative of how someone feels – actions always speak louder than words.
Booty calls are not relationships – they are casual sex arrangements and people don’t tend to make these with people who they have any great regard for. In fact, the less someone cares, the easier it is to have a booty call.
This situation highlights how someone can end up being used in a very extreme way and you really need to learn how to say no. In fact, you just need to stop responding when he gets in touch. Personally, I know that if someone I was in a booty call situation with started slapping, choking, and tying me up, I’d be seriously caught off guard and be very afraid. It’s best to only engage in these situations with someone who you trust and you should certainly only be engaging in this type of sexual activity if it’s what you actually want to do. Safety in casual sex situations is of paramount importance and all the more so if you’re going to allow someone to slap, tie, and choke you.
Booty calls should also only be the domain of two people who have the same thing on the agenda. If one party feels more, it’s no longer a booty call – it’s someone setting themselves up for a major fall and if you stay in spite of wanting more, unfortunately the buck will stop with you.
Don’t allow yourself to coast along into situations – be conscious and pay attention because only you are responsible for you.
When someone only wants you for sex and you want more than that, a huge imbalance is created. You’ll always be on the backfoot, they have far too much power, and you’ll feel used and worthless when someone treats you like an object that they can shag and treat with utter disregard.
You’re worth more than being treated like this – an object for him to rough up when the mood takes him.
This man is taking advantage of what he perceives to be her lack of self-respect which works out quite handily for his aggressive sex situation….
If you are involved with someone who you are not able to ask questions and get clarity about what the situation is or you feel afraid to say ‘NO’, whether that is because they have conveyed that ‘no’ will be met with conflict or because you are the type of person that has little or no boundaries and is afraid to say no, it means you are in a bad situation, not just because of them, but also because of yourself.
If what you want is to be loved and cared about, let this guy go and get his kicks with someone who is totally fine with this type of arrangement – this is not you. From the moment that you start wondering about feelings in a booty call situation, it’s a major sign to halt. Even if you didn’t know that what you were getting into was a booty call situation, if you’re looking for a relationship, getting too far down the road into a sexual situation and then asking questions about the ‘meaning’, is like closing the door after the horse has bolted.
The overall behaviour of Mr Unavailable shows how much he cares – it’s limited. If you imagine you’re getting crumbs, you’re now also getting crumbs with aggressive sex. Be very careful that you don’t end up with a depleted self-esteem and engaging in a pattern of being treated in this way.
Take the focus off this man and switch it back to you. Ask yourself why you have ended up in this situation and what you are feeling about yourself right now that you would feel OK with being treated like this. You don’t need to be ‘punished’ and don’t let this man convince you that you’re someone not worthy of love and care, because you are – you just need to start acting like it and getting it as a basic from any relationship that you’re involved in.
Your thoughts?
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Do more videos! You are so eloquent.
I find this interesting, because the more extreme AC’s in my life had a definite preference for ‘impersonal’ sex. The first few weeks/months were the kissy kissy romantic period, but thereafter was a shift to more ‘sexy’ sex. There was a clear preference for certain positions and styles which avoid true intimacy.
I don’t really like the full blown romantic stuff and prefer the slightly more ‘raw’ stuff, but I could see that all sex and no obvious love was not good for me either. A balance between the two sounds good to me.Only got this occasionally with the AC’s though, which of course kept me off balance.
By the time I’d realised that real love was out of the question with the AC, it was either mad sex, or nothing. I chose mad sex rather than nothing.
Not sure I’d do it again,mad sex is great but ultimately empty emotionally, and I now know that I want something more.
.-= sadthing´s last blog ..Reader Question: Do the sexual preferences & activities of Mr Unavailables indicate their feelings? =-.
Yay!!!! You’re on video! Love your books, your advice and all your wisdom. Thank you!!
Great Job on the video Nat!
Sex in the beginning of my relationship with my AC was full of passion, and a lot of pleasing on his part – slowly it was me doing all the work (blow jobs) or him getting off doggy style! I pretended that it was fine with me, since i liked it kinky and like “sadthing” says – raw.
But it left me feeling like a worthless loser, it continually became worse. My negative thinking had me believing it was because i smelt bad down there, not completely shaved the way he liked it, too much dirty talk to the point it was fake, or maybe not enough dirty talk… UGHhhh… horrible horrible HORRIBLE feeling 🙁
I obsessed about the shift in the dynamics of the sex…
but now realizing there’s a greater issue to focus on.
why dont we turn around to these guys with egos the size of the sun and say “Sorry, this is not really doing it for me, im kinda bored and not turned on at all”
Lets see how they like that?
That`s a very interesting question. My ex-EUM in his long hot phase when I was his “goddess” was very sweet, gentle and caring in bed and I was a bit shy as well.
But over the months I got more confident and as I started trusting him a lot, I was more adventurous with sex as well. We both like it that way. But then he started blowing cold. And the more he blew cold and was switching his phone off for weeks, the wilder and more aggressive sex he expected and I wasn`t fine with that as you can`t just turn up out of a blue and think you will get a really wild sex with someone you don`t even bother to see or talk to for weeks.
And yes, I did feel that the less respect and love he had for me, the more aggressive the sex was and the less he listened when I complaint. He actually seemed to get a kick from it when I didn`t like something or it was “too much”. I didn`t matter. If I tried acting dominantly in bed rather than being the submissive one, he got all scared and virtually “ran” away from the bed.
And he appeared to be such a nice, decent and “shy” guy that you would have never guessed that !
It’s true that KNOWING what is ok with you, your boundaries, is fantastic because a few times I have gotten into various situations in life, both romantic and otherwise, that …well, it seemed like it happened fast, whatever “it” was…and I didn’t know HOW i felt about something. This is when a boundary has been crossed or the line has been approached.
Sometimes we don’t always know what our boundaries are in every single situation life throws at us but that is the time to take a TIME OUT and figure it out, rather than just going along with it despite weird intuitive feelings that something is “off”
I’d have to say no it doesn’t indicate much of anything. Unless the acts are things you don’t want to do or feel badly doing and he knows that or you’ve not discussed it together yet he assumes he can be that agressive. Then it indicates he thinks you’re pretty worthless.
I had a similar experience only my ex was amazing and we meshed perfectly well together in that aspect (a big reason why it was hard to get over once he skipped out) and it never devolved or got weird (though I’ve also had that happen). Just based on the intimacy and passion, I would have definitely thought he had strong feelings for me or that we were on the same page. That sounds so stupid to me now. But I did factor that in during my “analyze his behaviour to every miniscule detail” sessions in my head. I always thought until then, that if you experienced the “big conneection” – not just a skilled guy but one who indicates he is feeling something very strong along with you, that there was no way he couldn’t really “care”.
He gave what he CARED to give – but the rest of the “relationship” was sorely lacking, let me tell you. I spent the vast majority of time trying to decipher if we indeed WERE in a relationship at all, and used the chemistry we had to add to the YES category. “YES we were because he does x, y, and z when we’re initmate. He wouldn’t do those things if he didn’t care.” I wouldn’t have had to think all that if I felt safe with him in the first place.
Natalie, nice to see you speak ! love your accent and distinguised , very self respectful way of speaking!
I figure, if it feels like a sex adventure – it is a sex adventure. Like a family vacation, at some point you gotta go home and back to work.
TO Jenny – if you feel respected and loved when not involved in sex, that is a good thing. If you accept the rough play to please him, though – there is a danger you aren’t taking care of yourself.
For those that react with excitement to slapping, hitting, and spanking, my own thought is that you are wiring your excitement to some dark regions in your past, and counseling might be a healthier way to defuse that, instead of making a dark time something your relationship depends upon.
I worry that the slapping and tying, though, are about feelings of domination (disrespect), or lack of emotional/anger control. And that isn’t good at all. Experimenting, playing, that is one thing. But after a few times there must be some dynamic there for it to keep going – sometimes it is something healthy, some times it is not.
I think most couples find the excitement of bonding to be a great libido driver. The initial euphoric sex builds bridges that hold a (healthy) couple together as the excitement of the new matures into a somewhat quieter acceptance and enjoyment of life and each other. A couple in a strong relationship should find themselves interested and invested in making sure their partner’s enjoyment grows. The excitement might wane, but the security and joy should grow in a healthy relationship.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..To Jamie, about divorce and child custody. =-.
I must admit when i was younger i was more so into the guy dominating me, it felt good to me
However when i intially started what i thought was a loving realstionship I found that i didnt need it anymore. I explored gentle touches, care, slow and loving movements and it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Also i found that because at that stage, i felt safe with him, i relaxed more and was able to feel more because i was relaxed. Sure we explored other areas as well, kinky stuff but it was both of us discussing it, laying ground rules and above all done with care.
So Brad, maybe your right in what you say because before i met my X i had done some councelling and dealt with some dad issues, he was very controlling and dominating. After that i found myself more attracted to loving and care not rough housing.
The thing is if you like it and you really dont have an issue with the rough stuff, then so be it. For me though, in the past i often felt abused and empty. Huge warning sign!
Myabe its also about trying to get some sort of emotion/connection from a guy who isnst giving that to you on a emotional level? because the other thing i noted was the happier i was, the more intimacy and connected or loved, the less crazy stuff was needed in the bedroom, unless we felt like it 🙂
Anyway just my thoughts…take care.
Wow. Brad K. said it all for me, as did NML of course. Unless Jenny is alright with not being “his girlfriend or wife” AND being hit during sex (which, in my honest opinion as a person and as a professional [social work/counseling/mental health/etc.], is physical abuse & degradation in this case), she ought to exit this situation YESTERDAY. “Enjoying” this situation with someone who says that you’re not “his girlfriend or wife” is telling of how Jenny (and others in situations like this) thinks/feels about herself. Professional help is suggested. Best wishes.
Hey guys,
Im pretty lucky in that respect my last realtionship had a very healthy sex life. Very caring and intimate, we also explored with things, including bondage but our number one priority was that we took care of each others feelings and discussed things. I never felt used or worthless with him but i have done in other realtionships, so i can definetly empathise. Just feels plain awful. And i think that is the big becnhcmark, if you feel abused, unhappy about yourself, empty or scared…………..get out, its a huge red flag.
Even though my x ran hot and cold and was inconsistant and emotionallly screwed up it never showed up in a physical way. The emotional stuff was torment enuff frankly ! He has also never tried the booty call since our break up but then again i didnt really give him an option, so who knows, maybe down the track he may of tried. He has certainly done and acted a lot of other ways i never woulkd have expected so a booty call probably wasnt far off 🙂
The point being there can only be a booty call if you give them that option, you take it away, they cant do it. Its up to you 🙂
And never ever do things in bed just so you can keep them, again its the boundary crossing, if he was to leave you because you would not perform a certain sexual act……then seeya mr shallow !
He wasnt in the realtionship in a real way anyway if thats the case !
NML nice seeing your face 🙂
Take care guys
Jenny,
Love-making and getting kinky are two very different things.
Getting kinky is fun, but usually men detach emotionally and they cannot go back to being loving, tender, thoughtful, etc., etc — after thinking in their heads that you are their favorite slut-bad girl – naughty bitch that’s getting what she desreves because you need it/want it, or whatever variation goes on in their heads to enable and excite the rough sex play.
Tie you up? Whatever. As long as you could get free if you really wanted to. The whole “oooh, I’m helpess and he’s in control” thing can be exciting if you can trust him completely not to abuse or humiliate or scare you.
But the slapping and choking ?
Jenny, this is twisted and this crosses a line that is dangerous.
It has nothing to do with love – and he may not be capable of a mutually loving, respectful relationship. He may think that equals boredom, and his version of passionate sex often involves causing a woman pain.
Abusive men or men with anger issues or men that really don’t like women may start that way in bed — and then act out like this OUT of bed as well, eventually. Just testing the waters to see what you will put up with, how direspectful or controlling he can get.
Thus guy has ISSUES. You may fit with him a bit because you like the pain so far and have never asked him to stop — but it’s clear it’s already hurting your heart, even if you are consenting to it hurting your body.
And that is what I’d work on, Jenny — because some part of you doesn’t feel loved by this guy, and accepting crumbs with rough sex is even making you feel worse about yourself and your values.
What are your healthy boundaries ? Where do you draw the line?
If he WAS your boyfriend, would it be okay for him to continue to slap and choke you, etc?
If he was your husband, would it be okay?
If he’s the father of your kids, would it be okay?
Sadists usually stay true to form. Now he might be in the closet (keep it a secret and lie/deceive/manipulate) and pick a wife that he wouldn’t do this too — but then I’d bet heavily that he was cheating on the side with someone he COULD abuse.
I think you want to see YOURSELF as a person who is worthwhile, valuable and lovable and deserves to be a girlfriend or wife. And staying with a Mr. Unavailable – no matter what he does in or out of bed — is just a way of putting off working on your own self-esteem, self-respect and self-confidence.
Love doesn’t choke the breath out of you. Love doesn’t leave handprints or bruises.
I used to think it didn’t matter. It does.
Maybe work with Nat (NML) and do some counseling and why the pain is okay with you.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..It Begs The Question =-.
Thanks Natalie, great advice given with grace and truth. Telling it like it needs to be said – no sugarcoating, but with love.
Love the video format.
Best wishes Jenny – there are so many resources you can use to move ahead! Take action today and choose life in abundance.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Step 4 Have a Clear Vision Then Take Action Daily =-.
During my relationship with Mr UA, our whole entire relationship ( I say that lightly ) revolved around sex. I felt really love starved that the only time I felt any loving affection was if I was doing something sexual with him.
Well here’s where it get tricky, things escalated out of control for us. The sexual bar kept rising – what can we do to top that… it was like our thing – but it wasn’t – it was the one place I had him in my arms, in a loving situation, that I could pretend it was love… Well sex does not equal love. He blew that out of the water for me everytime he wanted me to tell him a story about my past where someone else was doing me.. That usually does not come from a man that really does respect his partner…
It’s taking me a year to even think about taking my clothes off for a man – and the first man I dated – I ended up in the sack with on the first date. I am still working on being over it, but after being treated like A** for 4 yrs, it was almost like I thought it was expected or he may not like me.
Yuck I still want to be sick over it.
NML,
I love your accent! Do more videos, you’re so articulate.
Actually, I enjoy those physical “fun” things in bed, such as handcuffs, blind folding, etc. 🙂 However, the difference is I was the initiator and I was engaged to the guy. And it was never painful, it was all for fun. I was never chocked nor slapped, but to me, it was purely for fun and it wasn’t disrespectful, at least for me. At the end of the day, the respect, love and care was still there and it was a shared secret between the two of us. But for me to get to that point of comfort level, I have to have trust and care as part of the ingredient of the relationship. We didn’t start off our relationship that way.
Sherry
Natalie, I would love to sub your youtube channel– do consider making more videos. For many of your subscribers it was so nice to finally see you and your message takes on so much more power to hear you speak. Thank you for this!
NML,
Thank you so much for your video. It’s just as good as reading your posts, but with a twist…the information gets to us in a more visual/ auditory way, and it’s even more helpful.
I’m a woman who has suffered from many unavailable men, and used to see any form of sex as a loving connection. It took me years (and luck) to find the great man who I am married to now, and I look back and cringe at how disrespectful I was to my own body and feelings. Jenny, listen to NML, be honest with yourself about expectations and boundaries, and you’ll be on the right track. Be good to yourself. Peace.
Some VERY happy long term couples I know would tell you that their relationship thrives on one of them being very much in charge in the bedroom. Some like it both ways. The key is, this was part of what actively drew them together and it is a part of their dynamic, part of their LOVING, and something they talk about and actively seek together.
So it is not a question of “if he loved me he wouldn’t treat me like that” being so clear cut. The answers are elsewhere in the relationship or lack thereof. It is not always about someone having low self-esteem issues either – after all there are plenty of submissive MEN who are always looking for a woman to “abuse” them and quite often they have busy pressured and responsible lives: it’s letting go of control.
So, capsule review: as part of a good solid relationship where both are consenting (or one is being gently introduced to something and is happy with it, is respected when they say no to something and is being treated WELL long term not just at the start) then hurray, spice of life. However, if there’s other issues too, leg it.
NML you’re right, if someone is slaping, choking etc etc and its just a booty call then you really need to be careful. We women have to start to standup for ourselves and rely on oursevles that’s why its called intuition. That little voice in the back of our minds yelling at us really has our best interest at heart. We can ignore that voice all we want but its not going to go away, its there to protect us.
I used to be a Booty call, no more…thank you Natalie for post and video, you look great and sound great!!! Love it!
Hi Nat,
I have enjoyed and religiously read everyone of your enteries.
I am so into a EUM that I cant seem to get out of it.
Its been 19 months of torture for me emotionally. Waiting for the phone calls that maybe good or the ones that say “I dont know how to end this, so Im going to date and have sex with other people.” It makes my heart sick and my mind so screwed up. Im posting here, because this subject about sex is something that hit home for me. We have aggressive sex and sometimes loving. Or so I think. He always says its because I like it, when I says no I dont he just says “yes you do”. Yes we have done things not to far over the edge, but the way he acts almost as if I werent there or it could be anyone there is what makes me sick. At first I thought it was exciting to have a man so into sex and have the knowledge behind it or even the stamina. But now and for a long time have wondered where the respect is. I have been in the situation that I thought if were having sex then he must love me..even though he has told me on several occassions that “he is not in love with me, but loves and cares about me, but not how I deserve to be loved”. Red Flag. But all these months its been break up a few days and then back together, have a great time in and out of bed then I get the call…”I have to much anxiety to continue this I just want space and dont want to be in a relationship”. All the time mind you that he is calling me gf and then friend then gf again. I dont get it. I actually was able to do NC for 2 weeks. I had it rough at first, crying and feeling terrible and lonely. Then about day 8 I started feeling free and not nervous about who he might be seeing or screwing or if he was going to yell at me because I got water on his floor after taking a shower! It was freeing….then he called several times, on the the 4th time I answered. I told him that I wouldnt share him and that was it.
He said that he wasnt with anyone and if I wanted to go out on a date to dinner. I said yes and that started 2 weeks of a world wind of what I thought was romance. Well, its been about 3 weeks since then, he was calling everyday, long chats, get togethers, qickies and stayover wekens, and then yesterday I called him to tell him about my new job and he didnt answer his phone. He told me if he was out on a date he wouldnt answer, I was sick over it. He finally called later and said “he was just out but didnt want to talk to me”. It felt awful. He didnt go into his speach, but now its the next day and I havent heard from him again. Im tied up in knots because he has dinner and goes out every night like clockwork at 5 and its 8 and no call.
Why in Gods name can I not let go of this screwed up EUM!!! what is it in me that loves him so much and cant get him to love me? I do everything for him, Im always there when he wants me, I even by the guy small things to take care of him…like eye drops and handcreams. He has never bought me any thing. Oh a card that said he wished he could tell me he loved me on valentines day. Thats it!!
Help me please understand what is wrong with me?
His is 56 and Im 52. So were not kids. We are both youthful.
He gets jealous and tells me that men are undressing me and having their way with me or other stupid things like that. Why would he say that if he didnt love me?
He is very good looking at least to me so I feel jealous of him all the time, but never say it to him so that his ego isnt pumped up more.
Why isnt one woman enough for a nacassistic asshole?
His favorite line is “Iam an asshole so dont love me. I have no heart”
Help!
Im going under again….
Heart sick me
Hey,
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
He is telling you he is an asshole both verbally and with his actions.
He was an asshole before he met you and will be when you leave. Let someone else put up with it, take back control and leave him. Your unhappy anyway? Yes you will feel unhappy when going through the loss of him but at least that unhappiness will be for a reason and it will subside.
Be strong and take care.
Oh Gigi, you are with ‘my’ AC’s twin, even down to the ‘I have no heart’ bit.I’m 52 as well!
He is what he is, and he has told you this. The key phrase you use is ‘Why in Gods name can I not let go of this screwed up EUM!!! what is it in me that loves him so much and cant get him to love me? I do everything for him, Im always there when he wants me,’
You are channelling all your need for love into trying to win a battle that you are not going to win. To love him till he loves you back, to buy him things, to always be there when he wants you. My guess is that this is a re-run of an old battle somewhere in your past, it’s very common to do this in relationships, in my case it was the relationship with my EU father that I was trying to get a different ending to. I had to have years of therapy to work it all out, and am left with a residual addiction to the AC, I’ve detached emotionally from him as a person, but detaching from his body is more difficult AND means finally letting go of the hope that he’s going to turn out differently – he’s not. I reread an old journal from 7 years ago this week and he has not changed one jot in all this time. Not for me, not for my successor. They rarely change, at in their 50’s are even less likely to.
Are you getting any help with this? Some people manage to do this alone but I certainly couldn’t so I know how powerful it all feels.
.-= sadthing´s last blog ..Reader Question: Do the sexual preferences & activities of Mr Unavailables indicate their feelings? =-.
Gigi…my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there too at age 55. 18 months of hell as my ex cheated and left me for her. I cried, stomped my foot, begged, pleaded and continued to have sex with him when ever he came around and what did it get me 18 months of hell.
Yeah you’d think us who are a little bit older would of seen the light a long time ago and with age had a bit more of a handle on our feelings but it has nothing to do with age its a state of mind. I know women from there 20’s to older than me going through the same stuff.
The only thing I can tell you is NC. Its what saved my sanity. Its been 6 long hard painful months but its been well worth it. I found 2 saying somewhere, it might of been on this site that finally gave me the strength to let go and realize I am so much better than the treatment I was getting and helped me accept my responsibility for my unhappiness too.
1. The reality is tough, as you have discovered, it doesn’t matter how much you pretend and avoid the truth it doesn’t change the reality, it only prolongs the agony.
2. You placed all your needs, wants and expectations on him, effectively letting the sun rise and set on him. And when it was over, you felt like you had died with the relationship. Never give anyone that kind of power over you.
As we all know who read and post to this site its painful very painful to let go but there comes a time when you have to for your own sake. I like the thought that time heals but I’ve learned its not time its self its what you do with the time.
MaryC, Sadthing,Trinity,
Thank you all…it is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life is try to get on with my life. 2.5 years ago my husband that I thought was madly in love with me, and I with him, had a secret life with another woman and family! I didnt have a clue..he is a detective and would tell he was doing servallience on the weekends and evenings and I believed him. Until I came home one day and he was literally gone! my neighbor told me he packed his truck! that was after a morning of lovemaking and I loves you until we both went to work!!! I didnt know it was the last I love you I would hear. I havent seen him since (not even the kids) not until divorce court a month ago ( I couldnt let go then either) when I saw him, he wouldnt look at me or talk to me. I found out about the other family through a mutal acquantice!!!! how my heart was broken then. I was very physically and emotionally sick from him.
Then when everyone pushed me to date..it took a long while and I did. MY EUM was the second guy I met and dated, then cut anyone else out of the picture of dating. I just wanted him.
He was charming and right on it from the beginning..calling, excited to see me, and his energy was intoxicating, then after a week asked me to be exclusive with him. And then it was hot or cold depending on his mood or on again off again according to him. But I was and still am there for him all this time!
The thing is when we spend a lot of time together he calles me honey and gf, then a week goes by and the big withdrawl.” i have to be dating, I just feel I have to do that” then he calls me again. He actually did cheat on me 3 times, one recently with a woman that he had gone out with before me. He said he need closure for her…does he think Im stupid too? he said he wasnt dating her, but my gut feeling is she is a standby girl too.
Now im in the holding pattern for the weekend, will he call or wont he. Even though we speak everyday…he never makes a date with me, probably keeping his opions open. But it makes me feel like crap. I want to see him, because I miss him, then when I do see him its when will this end again. I wish that there was some kind of magic pill to take this pain of yearning for something more away. The thing is that even though he kills something more inside me everytime he pulls away, its never enough for me to just say no.
Im attractive and youthful for my age and I just feel like Im wasting my time on him, but no one I see is as attractive to me.
Now there must be something wrong with me. I really think that Im just no cut out for this dating thing. Even though I want a realationship and closeness, I feel that its just not out there for me. Maybe if I start acting like and ass someone will be there..but its not in my nature to be like that. Its true that the nice ones finish last. He tells me that Im too nice and to nieve, I tell him not to confuse niceness with weakness, because its a lot harder to be nice then a bitch, He says that good, because he doesnt do bitch! LOL but he is the biggest one I know. He has such anger and disconnect issues that I find it alarming to think this man is in a power postition and thens transferes it to me.
I have talked to someone on a professional level and they tell me to get out too. That he is just a little boy playing games an d not a man at all. Because a man would never take the chance of loosing someone and something good.
So here I am alone a this Friday evening, yearning for the call that may or may not come to tell me yet of one more peice of information of what I will be doing this weekend. Him or nothing. Its sad that I am at this age and still havent figured it out yet.
Does he actually get off on all of this? and how can he go out with someone or look for someone when Im still in the picture and not feel a moment of quilt?(he has denied dating yet)
How can he want to be with me one minute, and not want to be the next?
I think its my body that misses him the most….even though I have lied to him about having the big O with him (for months due to his behavior) because Im afraid that he wont want me again. I just need to move on, but I feel so helpless in letting go, even if its feeling sad its feeling something….
I know Im pathetic.
I once asked my friends when is enough enough…one said when the hurting hurts to much…she is soooo right…but if Im an endless pit of hurting when do you discover the bottom and look up and see the light?
just me GIGI
Hey,
Maybe instead of asking when will enuff be enuff?
Ask yourself if you are ready to be happy?
I’m not saying once you leave you will instantly be happy but it is a start to getting it. That 1st ending to your relationship is traumatic !!! What a cruel person and how utterly deceitful, I agree after hearing your story that councelling may help you. It’s helped me. You may be trying to even rewrite the ending to your initial relationship? NC really saved me, sure it’s hard but your doing it hard now anyway, right?
It almost sounds like you were not ready to date when u met this guy.
Take care, your not alone, millions of people men and women of all ages have gone through this.
Be kind to you.
Trinity is right, NC is the way to go and I do agree maybe a little to soon to date again. Yes professional help might be good too, have you thought about going back to talk to them? An unbias person can do wonders. Friends are good too but they tend to say what you want to hear because they care.
I once spent an entire weekend on this site reading everything that there was. It helped alot just knowing I wasn’t alone and others cared enough to write me support.
Be good to yourself, you deserve better and being alone isn’t as scary as it sounds.
This is a really eye-opening post – thank you for sharing.
Darlyn
relationship article
Am I the only one who doesn’t have a link to the video?
Oh wow. That is a great video.
I spent time as booty calls in my early 20s (and the odd time at a later date) and what you say is so true. If you have no boundaries, it keeps on happening… and yes, I wanted there to be more with some men. Which obviously never happened.
Really well put. Thank you.
Congrats on the video,Natalie! Lovely to hear you speak.To be honest I often wondered if your accent was Dublin or London [lol]. I’m hearing more London but it’s nice.
Yes,the whole issue of sex and booty calls is indeed sensitive for those of us who’ve been badly burned by EUMs.Like Trish above,I was once crazily in love with a guy who I only ever got to hold in my arms if there was sex.Everything was about sex with this guy.A simple kiss or hug would be seen as a precurser to sex.How sad and emotionally handicapped he was! And how sad I was at the time that I deluded myself into thinking that because the sex was so good,he must really love me deep down.I’ve come a long way since then but I have yet to experience a relationship which blends passionate sex with love and respect.Bravo to those that have found it!
Well, sex in my relationship is the main problem, but in a kind of opposite way.
My boyfriend of almost 5 years told me last week that he does not fancy me and that there is no chemistry between us and according to him this has been the case since day one (incidentally, the first night we spent together he couldn’t “get it up”) We do have sex, but although he “gets” off, it seems like he is not enjoying it and I definitely don’t, as he does nothing to try and please me, no foreplay, no kissing, no stroking, always from behind. In can’t help but feeling that this chemistry thing is nonsense and the only reason why we have such a bad time is that he cannot let go in sex, needs emotional distance. We on the other hand are emotionally very close, I am the first woman he has really opened up to and he feels loved and accepted by me. Physically speaking we are both very attractive people. He used to be a model when he was younger and I am a slender, gorgeous, leggy woman who gets plenty of attention from other men. I am also in touch with most of my ex boyfriends/lovers and all of them would have sex with me without a moment’s hesitation, so it can’t be that I am such a lousy lay and I definitely try hard to please him in bed ( i.e. don’t just lie there…) Also, he was the one who was doing all the pursuing in the beginning and since when do men pursue women they don’t find attractive?
He doesn’t want to split up with me because he appreciates me and values what he has in me, but this is putting a huge strain on our relationship because his lack of desire for me makes me feel ugly and unwanted and because I can feel that he is unhappy about it too because of course he wants to have a a great sex life, but somehow he is unable to have that with me precisely because he is attached to me and respects me.
And the thing is, I wouldn’t mind the occasional slightly rough/quick/wild sex but what I so difficult for me is that in all the time we have been together he has not once “made love” although he is extremely affectionate in other ways, holding me in his arms all night, holding my hand in public etc.
As you can imagine, this is putting a huge strain on our relationship, but I am not at the point yet where I want to give up, thinking there is hope. Am I just in denial???